Posted tagged ‘IRS jokes’

Wrong numbers?

March 25, 2015

New Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval told USA that he changed his cell number and doesn’t talk to old SF Giants teammates. He also added “If I had signed (with SF), I knew I would be under a (weight) regimen for five years, and I’m not going to be happy someplace where I’m under that kind of regimen, where I can’t be myself.”

Well at least Sandoval chose a new team with kind, gentle and understanding fans/media…. Hint to the Panda ‪#‎lessismore‬

And you thought the worst export from Canada was Justin Bieber. ‪#‎TedCruzCampaignSlogans‬

Now, most people agree tax law is too complicated. But along with everything else, Ted Cruz has joined Dr. Ben Carson in saying he will abolish the IRS. Sure, let’s put all Americans on the honor system. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Stanford men’s basketball team beats Vanderbilt and is heading to New York’s Madison Square Garden for the NIT final four. And hey, had they gotten to the NCAA tournament they’d either be done now or heading to maybe Cleveland, or Syracuse. With a Final Four in Indianapolis Hey, maybe these Stanford kids really ARE smart.

How many careers would benefit from a five-second delay on speech like they have on “live” TV? Mike Bocchino, a Connecticut state rep, criticizing a proposed “yes means yes” sexual assault bill – “At the end of the day, there are no witnesses — at least if there are, it’s a really great party.”. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

University of Michigan center, Jack Miller, 21, is retiring from football due to concussion fears – “I know it’s pretty unorthodox for a 21-year-old to see past his own nose This game requires such a passion to excel, and my flame is burned out.” And a number of other college players are thinking “Dude, what’s ‘unorthodox?'”

When these companies put you on hold for 30 plus minutes and say periodically “Thank you for your time and patience” I am reminded of that little vulture statue they used to sell in gift shops “Patience my a**, I’m going to kill something.”

A United Airlines employee was arrested and charged with stealing over $500 from a passenger’s wallet at a TSA checkpoint at Newark. United is appalled. If anyone is ripping off a passenger, it should be the airline themselves.

United flights from SF to Dallas, $226 roundtrip. Adding aisle seats towards the front of the plane and one checked bag in each direction, $146 additional. We don’t need Ryan Air in the US, the legacy airlines are already there.

New Orleans coach Sean Payton said there is “not one iota” of truth to rumors that the Saints are thinking of trading Drew Brees. Translation, they may be rebuilding, but they still want to sell tickets next year.

The NFL has decided that the controversial formation that the New England Patriots used to score a TD against the Ravens in the AFC championship will be illegal next year. No worries, Belichick and company expect to have a whole new stable of ways not to be caught cheating next season.

 

 

Thunder 91, Spurs 130?! So does Oklahoma City call that “elder abuse”, or rather “abuse by elders?”

Another of those rare serious thoughts.  “Turns out the reportedly suicidal man who allegedly shot and killed a San Jose, California, police officer last night, did fatally shoot himself later in the evening. Once again, such a damn shame that anyone bent on murder-suicide can’t take care of the latter first.”

Time to investigate?

May 23, 2013

Uh oh. Underage drinking.  Time for a congressional investigation.

prom

As my friend Bob Thompson says,  “polyester is the most egregious violation.  The investigation should be immediate.”

Justin Bieber is apparently making guests at his parties sign a contract promising not to post pictures of it on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Shocking.  Bieber has friends?

The Boy Scouts of America have apparently voted to allow openly gay boys to be accepted as Scouts. For a lot of conservative parents, this is likely to be a controversial decision. For their sons, it’s more likely to be “whatever.”

So jurors couldn’t decide on the penalty phase of Jodi Arias’s trial. Hey, doesn’t Jerry Sandusky need a cellmate?

Apparently marijuana users are more likely to be slim. And a new study indicates that pot smokers appear to have better carbohydrate metabolism than nonusers.” Either that or Doritos is an unsung diet food.

Cleveland kidnapping hero Charles Ramsey will get free burgers for life thanks to two local restaurants. Free burgers for life? Look for a post baseball career in volunteer law enforcement for Pablo Sandoval.

Great, we’re now arguing over whether Democrats or Republicans are responsible for George W. Bush’s appointment of Douglas Shulman, IRS commissioner during the targeting of Tea Party groups. How about spending some of this energy on fixing the corporate tax code?

Anthony Weiner is now officially running for Mayor of New York. Not sure this is what most Americans mean when they say they want politicians who practice full disclosure.

My friend Jeff Klein has an interesting way to waste time – all the phrases that don’t really have meaning anymore – “Roll down the window”, “Dial a phone,””Record of the Year….” Figure my readers can come up with dozens.

#ChuckNorris just wrote of Tim #Tebow “He reminds me of myself.” And some would say, and about as likely to be a real #NFL quarterback.

At Fleetwood Mac concerts this days there are two advantages to the cheap seats. 1. You can’t see the wrinkles. 2. The rising cloud is free treatment for glaucoma etc.

Jesse James apparently severed his pinky finger in a shop accident. Ex-wife Sandra Bullock and several other ex’s might no doubt be forgiven for wishing he had severed something else.

The Houston Astros fired a stadium vendor after a fan filmed him putting a tray of snow cones onto a bathroom floor while he used the facilities. Yikes. And here Astros fans thought the most stomach churning thing this year at Minute Maid Park would be the team’s play on the field.

Aaron Rodgers wants the Green Bay Packers to retire Brett Favre’s #4. It’s either a nice gesture of sportsmanship, or Rodgers wants to make it even harder for Favre to try to come back and take his job.

Flori-duh, again.

May 15, 2013

At a Florida Starbucks, a woman accidentally shot her friend in the leg when she dropped her purse and a .25-caliber handgun inside discharged. She told police she put the gun in her purse when her father gave it to her last year and had forgotten about it. Wow, and I thought I had too much junk in the bottom of MY purse.

Open question to those in the GOP wanting to make sure the IRS never again targets political groups asking for tax-exempt status – so assume you are okay with all the potential 501 (c) (4) groups that are forming even now who just happen to support the same policies as, say, Hillary Clinton?

OJ Simpson wants a new trial for stealing personal memorabilia he said dealers had stolen from him. Simpson admitted yelling at the dealers when he took the stuff, saying “I wanted them to feel my pain.” Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman’s families have SO much sympathy for him….

All these writers talking about why the U.S. shouldn’t intercede in Syria. Thinking it can be boiled down into three words – “Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam.”

Don’t get me wrong, what the IRS did was wrong. But if you WERE going to investigate potentially fraudulent tax-exempt applications, suppose it’s not a crazy idea to start with organizations whose announced mission is to be against taxes.

Rough day for Seattle basketball fans – NBA owners voted today that the Kings should stay in Sacramento. Which means the only thing that Seattle folks had to smile about was the Memphis Grizzlies upset series win over the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Leave politics aside. Who else would tune in to watch Darrell Issa and Eric Holder compete in Celebrity Boxing?

Just how embarrassing was this two day visit to Toronto for the SF Giants? They may have had to leave town wearing Maple Leafs jerseys.

Somehow I missed the news report where the #SFGiants had their gloves confiscated on arrival by Canadian customs?

Orb drew the rail.:  And after Saturday, depending on who wins the Preakness, millions of Americans may pretend they understand that sentence.

From Jim Barach: “Donald Trump will have to testify at a civil trial in Chicago over one of his condos. The worst part is when he takes the witness stand and swears in with “I swear to tell the truth…so help me Me.”

Carlos Zambrano has signed a contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Wonder if it’s to pitch or replace the Phillie Fanatic?

Green Bay Packers Pres.& CEO Mark Murphy said that the Packers hope to have Brett Favre “back involved in the organization soon” and to retire his jersey. And Favre is thinking, why retire it when I can still play?

92 people were caught in an Orlando prostitution sting, including one man who ended up soliciting an undercover cop on his honeymoon. Talk about bringing your bride to Fantasyland….

Ouch, eh?

May 13, 2013

Even Cubs’ fans are sending sympathy notes.

The Toronto Maple Leafs had a 4-1 lead in the third period (out of three for non-hockey fans.)  And a two goal lead with 82 seconds to play.  And they lost in overtime.

The Leafs absolutely put on a clinic – on how it is possible to play hockey with two hands wrapped tightly around your own neck.

choke

So the Justice Department appears to have been spying on the AP – a major player in the “lame-stream media.” Somewhere, Sarah Palin’s head is about to explode.

From my friend Neil Berliner:   Sarah Palin: “The Justice Department should leave the AP alone. Especially my favorite AP; “Angry Birds.”

Kim Kardashian says she has become “more of a recluse” during her pregnancy because she is preparing to protect the privacy of her baby. And no doubt she will call a press conference every week to reiterate that fact.

Justin Blackmon, arrested for aggravated DUI in 2012, and now suspended for four games for violating NFL’s substance-abuse policy, says he doesn’t have an alcohol or substance-abuse problem. He just has a “problem making a decision.” And Lindsay Lohan chimed in “What he said.”

The first hearings on the IRS’s alleged targeting of Tea Party groups start Friday. So how do we get Congress to move this fast on say, little things like a budget and sequestration?

Due to a makeup game,  fans who turned on the television Monday morning could see the  Yankees playing baseball.    This only usually happened when ESPN schedules a Sunday night game against the Red Sox.

NY Giants co-owner Steve Tisch now says that Tim Tebow “going from the Broncos to the Jets was not in anybody’s best interest” Oh, I don’t know, the deal pretty much guaranteed that however much the Giants might have disappointed in 2013, they wouldn’t be the biggest media/comedy target in New York.

Now that’s fast action. Marco Rubio has just demanded that the IRS commissioner resign. Which Douglas H. Shulman, a Bush appointee, has done. Last year. The post has been vacant since November, 2012

Minnesota just legalized the rights of gays to marry. Wait a minute… I thought Marcus Bachmann was already married. Oh, they mean to EACH OTHER. Never mind.