Posted tagged ‘Weiner jokes’

Nobody’s perfect.

October 28, 2016

Jon Stewart, when he quit “The Daily Show” in 2015. “I’d covered an election four times, and it didn’t appear that there was going to be anything wildly different about this one.”

Another reason baseball is the BEST sport. In a 1-0 game you can’t just play keep-away & try to run out clock. #WorldSeries #Indians #Cubs

The World Series reminds us again that #As really are a farm system for the rest of MLB. #Crisp #Zobrist #Lester #Russell #Davis #Otero

While the SF Giants are not in the World Series, Giants fans had to like to hear ESPN’s play-by-play announcer Dan Shulman on Indians pitcher Tomlin “”he can handle bat though he’s no Bumgarner.”

The U.K. Telegraph finally posted an interview with Bob Dylan saying he “absolutely” wants to attend the Nobel Prize Ceremony “if it’s at all possible.”
Actually, Dylan probably gave the interview on the day he won the award, it’s just taken them this long to translate it.

A recent Chapman University poll showed that 32% of Americans are afraid of climate change, while 42% are afraid of clowns. #BeamMeUpScottieThereIsNoIntelligentLifeOnThisPlanet

In a debate with Tammy Duckworth, who is a Purple Heart winner from the Iraq War and double amputee, Sen. Mark Kirk made a jab at her mother’s being from Thailand. Among those who have criticized him, KellyAnne Conway. Thereby answering a question “How low do you have to go to be called out by the Trump campaign?”.

Today is #NationalChocolateDay. And women are going “Isn’t EVERY day ‘National Chocolate Day?'”

 

Pac 12 Commissioner Larry Scott, answering a reporter’s question about a TV contract that has Cal playing back-to-back weeknight games during a tough academic period. “That hasn’t been a parameter, academic schedules per se, so it hasn’t come up… Well of course not, the idea of big conference television contracts started with the SEC. #whatacademicschedules?

 

An American Airlines flight at O’Hare caught fire when a tire apparently blew on takeoff. Expect flight delays. And for United Airlines to immediately institute a tire maintenance fee.

“New” Clinton emails may be from #AnthonyWeiner. Will #FBI agents reading them get hardship pay for needing to take so many showers?

 

No doubt Hillary Clinton is furious over the alleged Anthony Weiner messages being used to reopen her FBI email investigation. On the other hand, she has to be very thankful sexting wasn’t an option during Bill’s time in the White House.

Rumor today that if Hillary Clinton wins she would like to name Biden as Secretary of State. Wonder if this means Joe, who would be 81,  wants to run for President in 2024?

 

From T.C.  “Tickets for this weekend’s games at Wrigley will average $5,000 ea. Of course, this includes Steve Bartman’s ticket. The Cubs gave him $10,000 to go watch the game at a bar in Miami.”

Still swinging

September 30, 2016

Open note to MLB commisioner Rob Manfred. Watch replays of Friday night’s SFGiants Dodgers game.  Then please never consider giving NL a DH. #pitchershwhorake

Also after tonight’s #SFGiants game & his body slam of a fan running on  the field, free agent #AngelPagan may be offered a contract by the #SF49ers

The brightest note for #Stanford fans tonight, at least tonight’s loss won’t go in the category of heartbreaker.

The CDC now says men who travel to Zika area should wait 6 months before unprotected sex. So much for those fun NBA road trips to Miami.

Richard Trentlage, 87, has passed away. He was known for writing the Oscar Meyer jingle, one of the most iconic of our time. So if he gets his wish, will Trentlage be reincarnated as an Oscar Meyer Weiner?

 

Former NBA commissioner David Stern says he has changed his mind and now wants expanded legal sports betting in the United States. Because that’s going to be the only way to get most Americans to care about the NBA regular season?

Anthony Bourdain, asked if he would dine with Trump, replied “Absolutely f—ing not,” and described the Donald as “loathsome.” And this is a man who has eaten bull testicles, seal eyes and hakari (dried fermented shark.),

·

If @realDonaldTrump were elected President that 3:00am phone call might be from his chief of staff telling him to get off Twitter.

But if  elected will Donald Trump’s first act as President to be to close down all U.S. newspapers?

Donald Trump and Twitter, the gift that keeps on giving: “Remember, don’t believe “sources said” by the VERY dishonest media. If they don’t name the sources, the sources don’t exist.”
Did “many people” tell Trump the sources didn’t exist?

 

Donald Trump, in a NY Times interview, said that infidelity was “never a problem” during his three marriages. Well, I guess it wasn’t a problem for him.

That moment when a thrice-married overweight man calls out his former beauty pageant winner for her sexual past & her size.

Another commie-pinko media type for Hillary:
“But most Americans will soon make their choice. It will be either Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton – experienced, forward-looking, indomitably determined and eminently sane. Her election alone is what stands between the American nation and the reign of the most unstable, proudly uninformed, psychologically unfit president ever to enter the White House.”
Dorothy Rabinowitz, Wall Street Journal editorial board:

I miss Walter Cronkite. #Election2016

I’ve got another puzzle for you.

August 29, 2016

Bummer, Gene Wilder, 83,  has passed away. Although between him and Gilda Radnerthere should be some un-PC side-splitting shows in heaven coming up.

 

wonka

 

 

Hope it didn’t kill Wilder to face the possibility of an Oompa Loompa being elected president.

 

Interesting to hear commentators talk about how Colin Kaepernick’s protest might keep the suddenly desperate Dallas Cowboys from trading for him. Right, this is the same team that had no problem signing Greg Hardy. #priorities.

 

 

If #SF49ers want a less controversial backup QB than #ColinKaepernick, #MichaelVick is available. Or hey, so is #TimTebow.

Sigh. Wasn’t that long ago that SF Giants thought Barry Bonds’ recliner was the biggest problem team could have with one of their players sitting.

Absolutely respect #ColinKaepernick‘s views & desire to speak up. But think his execution has been as good his handling of #49ers offense.

Figure @realDonaldTrump will soon go after #ColinKaepernick soon. Less for #49ers QB’s protest than for fact he’s stealing Trump’s headlines

At the U.S. Open, tennis player CoCo Vandeweghe, who lost in 3 sets, refused to shake the official’s hand: “I’m frickin’ pissed. It sucks.”
Vandeweghe isn’t leaving the tournament yet: “I have doubles Doubles and mixed, that’s where I’m heading next.”
And after today I’m sure she’ll have no problems with officials going forward…..

 

#RickPerry is going to be on #DWTS?! Did someone warn him he will have to count steps?

Ohio State suspended highly-recruited WR Torrance Gibson for the season “due to a violation of the school’s student code of conduct.” Urban Meyer says “I disagree” and adds that it was not a football or athletic dept decision.
Guess it’s time to open the pool on when Gibson will apply to transfer to an SEC school.

#DenverBroncos just announced their opening day QB will be #TrevorSiemian. All together now – “Who?!!”
 –
Former Stanford student and convicted rapist Brock Turner will be released from prison Friday after 3 months. No word on where he will go.
Hmm, India might be a good fit, this from their tourism minister, while promoting a welcome kit to be handed out on arrival “There’s a card in there listing the do’s and don’ts. Basic things like, ‘Don’t go out at night alone.’ ‘Don’t wear skirts.'”

 

The Princeton Review named University of Wisconsin-Madison the #1 party school in the USA. Well, no doubt that calls for an all-campus party tonight.

Last Saturday night, the 911 system in Washington D.C. was down for two hours, when a contractor working on a water leak accidentally turned the master switch off. Proving again, sometimes terrorism is no match for good old fashioned stupidity.

#AnthonyWeiner and #HumaAbedin are separating. Five words: What took her so long?

Sure hope the people who have been attacking Hillary Clinton for not leaving Bill are nothing but supportive of Huma Abedin’s split from Anthony Weiner. #wecandream

Donald Trump this morning “Huma is making a very wise decision. I know Anthony Weiner well, and she will be far better off without him.”
But then added “Hillary Clinton was careless and negligent in allowing Weiner to have such close proximity to highly classified information. Who knows what he learned and who he told? It’s just another example of Hillary Clinton’s bad judgment. It is possible that our country and its security have been greatly compromised by this.”
So for those who wondered how long the Donald could stay on the high road, the answer, about 15 seconds.

 

So Donald Trump attacks Hillary Clinton over national security because of Huma Abedin & Anthony Weiner: Clearly a rant from a man who has no idea women can keep secrets from their husbands.

Rai$ing the bar?

September 10, 2013

SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”

 

Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?

The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.

49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?

As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.

Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?

 

 

Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..

Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?

Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?

Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.

Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.

Too much Weiner?

August 13, 2013

Anthony Weiner is complaining that the media is focusing too much on his sexting instead of the issues: “Substance doesn’t get covered in a campaign like this.” Except that substance WOULD have been covered if Anthony had kept himself covered.

Meanwhile, while Spitzer and Weiner create punchlines,   Newark mayor Cory Booker, has quietly won the Democratic Senate primary.   Who knew?   Something for New Yorkers to envy about New Jersey.

Liz Cheney, who is challenging Sen. Mike Enzi, in the Wyoming GOP primary, is calling on Enzi to “renounce” a deals that allows Congress to continue to subsidize their staffers’ health care premiums. Wonder why she isn’t calling on ex-Senators to give up their lavish pensions and healthcare benefits?

More “stuff’ you can’t make up. San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been banned from the local Hooters. They’ve posted a sign that the mayor “will not be served in this establishment” and “We believe women should be treated with respect.” Does this even need a punchline?

You can’t make this stuff up,  part 2.  In Ohio last weekend an instructor accidentally shot a student in class. It was a gun safety class. (It’s okay to laugh, the student will survive.)

Pundits are saying that a Hillary Clinton speech yesterday stokes speculation that she will run in 2016. With all due respect, any time Clinton leaves the house it stokes speculation she will run in 2016.

Ah, internet targeted advertising. Today I’m getting something from Priceline on Yahoo for the “Summer Bay Resort” in Florida. “Summer Bay Resort” was featured in a link I posted yesterday: It’s the Disney-area resort with a sinkhole.

Singapore Airlines says that due to retiring their Airbus 340’s, they will eliminate the “World’s Longest Flight,” a nonstop between Newark and Singapore, this fall. Although isn’t the real “World’s Longest Flight” any trip where children are screaming nonstop within hearing distance?

The Justice Department, that never met an airline merger it didn’t like, is now challenging the American-US Airways merger because it would “substantially lessen” competition. They cite National Airport, where the combined airline would control 69% of takeoff and landing slots, and 63% of nonstop routes. This sort of semi-monopoly happens all over the U.S. But guess when it hits airports Congress and other politicians need, it’s an issue.

Wesley Clark, 67, is divorcing his wife of 46 years for a 30 year old woman. So has Clark given up his Presidential aspirations? Or is he angling to be the running mate of Donald Trump?


So much for a life outside the public eye. Apparently Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been holding out because they have offered to put North on the cover of …. Vogue. But reports are editor Anna Wintour is “less than enthusiastic…” Can’t imagine why.

Possible reaction from SEC teams to the allegation that Johnny Manziel was paid for signing autographs?  “See, this comes from teaching players how to write.”

Checking your baggage?

July 29, 2013

A United Airlines worker at San Francisco Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing a couple’s luggage and returning some of the clothes inside to Nordstrom for cash. Wonder if United at least refunded the passengers’ baggage fees?

The Milwaukee Brewers are giving away about $3 million in food and drink vouchers to fans at the ballpark for the rest of the season, basically spending the money they would have paid Ryan Braun. Gosh, if/when A-Rod gets suspended the Yankees could afford to  turn their stadium into an all-inclusive resort

Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?” Can’t wait to see some in the GOP condemn this crazy liberal statement.

But gosh, what’s next.  If the Pope indicates he might be accepting of priests who are gays, how long until he comes up with something truly radical, like saying the same about women.  (Yeah, the day after hell freezes over.)

Must say since the SF Giants don’t appear likely to make the playoffs, it would be fun to see a Rays-Pirates World Series. Especially as it would probably make Fox executives heads’ explode.

#‎JasonGiambi‬, 42 years and 202 days old, goes yard to game in bottom of 9th to win it for the Indians. Do we call it a walker-off home run?

MLB says that David Ortiz will not be suspended for destroying two dugout phones with his bat last weekend in Baltimore. Maybe because even in the dugout no one uses land line phones now anyway?
Pete Rose says that a big part of A-Rod’s problem is that he “lacks self-confidence,” Rose said. I don’t know. Regarding PED’s Rodriguez seems to have had plenty of confidence in his ability to get away with it.

#‎AnthonyWeiner‬ is now in fourth place in the latest NY mayoral poll. Why? Because there is no fifth place.

President Obama, congratulating the SF Giants on their 2012 World Championship: “You guys are a second-half team. I expect you to be a second-half team this time around.” And wonder how many of the Giants responded “Back at ya, Mr. President.”

Many fans are waiting eagerly or anxiously for MLB’s decision on the Biogenesis players. Suspensions which will be less for PED’s than for being stupid enough to get caught.

A new University of California study found that dangerous staph infections can be spread at the gym. Leading to a whole new category of excuse “I’d love to go work out honey, but I’m concerned about my health.”

Another train crash in Europe. This time in Switzerland. Guessing that television stations are being VERY careful about reading the names of engineers.

 

Weiner, weiner, weiner…

July 25, 2013

If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?

Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race..  (Insert pull out joke here.)  But, hey,  he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-

 

Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.

Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees:  Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.

Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.

Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.

The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.

Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….

Bus to hell time:  You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?

More on the bus to hell from TC  “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”

What’s in a name?

July 24, 2013

British trivia for the day: Nice of Kate and William to name their son after his great-grandfather, George VI. Except that King George VI’s real name was Albert Frederick Arthur George. (Really.)

Stay classy Anthony Weiner, His explanation for the latest texts: “It was a terrible mistake that I unfortunately returned to during a rough time in our marriage.” So it’s his WIFE’s fault….

 

George Alexander Louis. What, they couldn’t think of a third middle name? ‪#‎RoyalBabyNames‬

A thought on the recent Weiner and Geraldo debacle. Anyone else miss the good old days when drunk or stupid dialing just embarrassed you to one other person?

It could be worse, SF Giants fans. The team could have signed Albert Pujols to a $250 million contract.

A new study found that over 200,000 children were injured by falling television sets over the last 20 years. If only those children had been armed.

 

Newest bumper sticker in New York? “Honk if you’ve seen Anthony’s Weiner?” ‪#‎Anthonyweiner‬

New Southwest‬ cocktail in New York? Just one and you may land flat on your nose.

Carlos Danger, Anthony Weiner…. didn’t those two headline a Chippendales show a decade or so ago?

 

One thing no one is talking about with the Ryan Braun case: so much for the idea you can always tell a PED user because he will be incredibly large with a big head.

 

ESPN headline “Sources: A-Rod thinks Yankees against him.” Yo, A-Rod, it’s not just the Yankees.

 

Bud Selig says now that he is proud of Major League Baseball’s drug program. It’s amazing the man doesn’t have ruptured discs from all the patting he does of his own back.

How bad is it getting for Anthony Weiner. If this keeps up Oscar Mayer is going to sue him for product defamation.

In North Carolina, it will soon become legal to bring guns into bars, and to leave them in cars on college campuses. Well, that should at least cut down on college football players in the state being arrested.

Shirley, you can’t be serious.

July 23, 2013

For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)

Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.

Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? ‪#‎Seligfail‬

Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.

Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.

Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?

Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?

 

Two from my friend Marc Ragovin:  “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious:  Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.”   And   “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced.  Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum.  Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”

From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”

The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.

A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?

Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”

Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.

For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”

Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

Eggs-actly?

July 4, 2013

GE and Quirky have a new high tech “Egg Minder”, a tray with a Wi-Fi chip that connects it to the Internet, senses how many eggs are left in your refrigerator and sends that information to your smartphone. Or you could just check in the fridge before you go to the store.

Our younger generation is so used to technology. Have to wonder, when many saw the headline “Inventor of the mouse dies”, how many thought “I thought Walt Disney was already dead”

It was a Happy July 4th for SF Giants fans: who knew early on the team would not spoil the holiday with a frustrating loss.

(they were rained out.)

Anthony Weiner, campaigning at a mosque in New York, said “You know, I’m Jewish, married to a Muslim woman”, and lamented that other cities aren’t as tolerant as New York. For that matter, other women aren’t as tolerant as his wife.

Cher appeared tonight at the Macy’s Fourth of July Fireworks Spectacular. Makes sense, she’s as close as they could get to a performer who’s as old as our country.

 

It’s a tough job but Dwight Howard is making Lebron James’ “The Decision” almost look good by comparison.

Dame Helen Mirren, asked what advice she would give Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes: “I don’t know if you’re allowed to say this on television: Don’t be up your own bum.” Not quite sure what she means but I think I agree with her.

Just wondering, if you put the Declaration of Independence in a petition, and asked Americans to sign it today, how many would decline. Especially with all that “created equal” and other commie-pinko stuff.

From the Declaration of Independence talking about King George III “He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance.” Who needs a King now? We have Congress.

In New York, Joey Chestnut once again won the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest today in New York. On the Fourth of July, good to know that there remains one unquestioned bastion of American superiority.

Now this is a negative review – from the SF Chronicle’s Mick LaSalle on the Lone Ranger: “But put aside the notion that children shouldn’t see this film. No one should. ‘The Lone Ranger’ is a movie for the whole family … to avoid.” Reminds me of Dorothy Parker who once said of Katharine Hepburn onstage that she ran “the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

Tough and tougher.

July 3, 2013

Jamaican runner Novlene Williams-Mills. who won a bronze with her 400m relay in the 2012 Olympics, just revealed she been secretly diagnosed with breast cancer the month before and had a lumpectomy 3 days after the closing ceremony. Weaker sex my a**.

So Dennis Rodman thinks that after his visit to North Korea he should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. More like a candidate for the Piece Of Work Prize.

1. All countries spy. 2. Edward Snowden has made it clear he views it is his mission to expose spying and will use any means at his power to do so. 3. Snowden wants to live in a new country. 4. See #1. 5. Snowden is scr*wed.

Aaron Hernandez jerseys are now selling for hundreds of dollars on Ebay. To paraphase P.T. Barnum, guess no one also ever went broke underestimating the bad taste of the American public.

Regarding that New England Patriots offer to trade in Aaron Hernandez jerseys;  T.C. says “The kicker is that you get an Ochocinco one in return.”

New York City GOP mayoral candidate Joe Lhota just called on Anthony Weiner’s ex-girlfriends to dish dirt so that women “will come to the right conclusion after enough women come out and talk about what it was like to be with him and date him and things like that.” Uh, did Lhota forget that New Yorkers re-elected Giuliani, and voted overwhelming twice for Bill Clinton?

Iggy Pop, 66, says he has quit stage-diving in his shows. Was this after a number of shows where he dived and couldn’t get up?

Jennifer Aniston: “I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry, “The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system.” Even most first-world people are thinking “REALLY-First-World Problems”

An Ohio day-care operator was arrested and charged with putting Benadryl and Melatonin in kids’ pancakes to get them to sleep. “How awful” said many Americans. “How much did she use?” asked many tired parents.

So after Rick Perry gets his special legislative session to vote on his abortion bill, will the Texas governor’s next move be to ask his state to declare they are not subject to the 19th amendment?

There are rumors that Texas Governor Rick Perry might announce another run for President of the United States. Millions of Americans are very excited about this possibility. They’re called “Democrats.”

The GOP strategy if Hillary Clinton runs for President is reportedly to try to paint her as “old news.” Well, that really ought to boost Jeb Bush.

Watching Yasiel Puig makes me think maybe a good second half strategy for SF Giants might be to troll waters outside Cuba with a black and orange boat and sign saying saying “Baseball players welcome here.”

Entitled much? A TripAdvisor review of a 3-star NY hotel booked ON PRICELINE rants how even though she advised a 7a arrival the hotel did not have her room ready at 9a for early check-in.  (And only had it ready an hour before the promised 3pm check-in time.)   Plus they wouldn’t give her Hilton Honours points with the discounted price.  And she got a small, dark room. Hello? ‎#Yougetwhatyoupayfor

A post with relish…

May 25, 2013

A woman known as the “hot-dog hooker” from Long Island, NY,  jailed for 7 days last year for selling sex out of her hot-dog truck, was busted again for prostitution yesterday. Maybe she should try a change of direction, like working on Anthony Weiner’s campaign.

Headline on the Mariners-Rangers Friday night game, (with a double-play called that wasn’t one) “Umpire regrets botched call.” Isn’t this getting to be baseball’s version of “Groundhog Day?”

Hail Mary time? Everett Golson, Notre Dame’s starting QB, a redshirt freshman in 2012, is suddenly no longer enrolled in the school. Reportedly for an “Office of Residence Life violation.” Over-under on how long it takes an SEC school to offer Golson a scholarship?

SF Giants win Saturday with an inside-the-park walk-off home run by Angel Pagan.   Aka now.  Angel Going-Going-Going-Going-Going- Still-Going-Gone.

Embattled #Toronto mayor #RobFord “I do not use crack cocaine, nor am I an addict of crack cocaine.” Uh, if A, no need to say B.

So just wondering, for strict creationists, if their kids manage to go to the American Museum of Natural History’s dinosaur and human evolution displays, do they feel the same way other parents do when their kids access internet porn?

Golfer Jeff Overton was DQ’ed from the Colonial Tournament for using a putting aid during a delay where officials told golfers they could practice chipping and putting. PGA rules make the balk rule seem simple by comparison.

Another day, another injury for the first place NY Yankees, with $95 million of their payroll on the DL. Now it’s Curtis Granderson who broke his left pinky. Bad news for Yankees haters, a few more injuries and they may end up winning it all.

Open note to SF Giants: A few more walk-off wins like today’s and there may have to be a warning sign at A T and T Park “Warning, this game may be hazardous to watch for those with heart conditions.”

“You’re born, you die. Everything in between is subject to interpretation.” Nora Ephron – “Lucky Guy.”

From Bill Littlejohn. “Tiger Woods has apparently hired a PR firm reshape Tiger Woods’ image: Who needs them when he has Sergio Garcia?”

Time to investigate?

May 23, 2013

Uh oh. Underage drinking.  Time for a congressional investigation.

prom

As my friend Bob Thompson says,  “polyester is the most egregious violation.  The investigation should be immediate.”

Justin Bieber is apparently making guests at his parties sign a contract promising not to post pictures of it on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Shocking.  Bieber has friends?

The Boy Scouts of America have apparently voted to allow openly gay boys to be accepted as Scouts. For a lot of conservative parents, this is likely to be a controversial decision. For their sons, it’s more likely to be “whatever.”

So jurors couldn’t decide on the penalty phase of Jodi Arias’s trial. Hey, doesn’t Jerry Sandusky need a cellmate?

Apparently marijuana users are more likely to be slim. And a new study indicates that pot smokers appear to have better carbohydrate metabolism than nonusers.” Either that or Doritos is an unsung diet food.

Cleveland kidnapping hero Charles Ramsey will get free burgers for life thanks to two local restaurants. Free burgers for life? Look for a post baseball career in volunteer law enforcement for Pablo Sandoval.

Great, we’re now arguing over whether Democrats or Republicans are responsible for George W. Bush’s appointment of Douglas Shulman, IRS commissioner during the targeting of Tea Party groups. How about spending some of this energy on fixing the corporate tax code?

Anthony Weiner is now officially running for Mayor of New York. Not sure this is what most Americans mean when they say they want politicians who practice full disclosure.

My friend Jeff Klein has an interesting way to waste time – all the phrases that don’t really have meaning anymore – “Roll down the window”, “Dial a phone,””Record of the Year….” Figure my readers can come up with dozens.

#ChuckNorris just wrote of Tim #Tebow “He reminds me of myself.” And some would say, and about as likely to be a real #NFL quarterback.

At Fleetwood Mac concerts this days there are two advantages to the cheap seats. 1. You can’t see the wrinkles. 2. The rising cloud is free treatment for glaucoma etc.

Jesse James apparently severed his pinky finger in a shop accident. Ex-wife Sandra Bullock and several other ex’s might no doubt be forgiven for wishing he had severed something else.

The Houston Astros fired a stadium vendor after a fan filmed him putting a tray of snow cones onto a bathroom floor while he used the facilities. Yikes. And here Astros fans thought the most stomach churning thing this year at Minute Maid Park would be the team’s play on the field.

Aaron Rodgers wants the Green Bay Packers to retire Brett Favre’s #4. It’s either a nice gesture of sportsmanship, or Rodgers wants to make it even harder for Favre to try to come back and take his job.

A complete airline computer meltdown – Shirley you can’t be serious?

June 18, 2011

As United Airlines customers found out Friday night – they were serious.  The airline lost all its computers for six hours. Planes couldn’t take off, passengers couldn’t check in, and apparently many passengers on planes couldn’t get off.

Or as JetBlue says “Winter business as usual.”

At one point,  all United flights that had not taken off were grounded indefinitely. Changing the airline’s slogan from ‘It’s time to fly” to “Does anybody really know what time it is?”

Stay tune Monday for a new “computer maintenance ticket” fee?.

Bad timing award?   United Airlines’ computers are slowly coming back online after a six hour complete outage. This in the same week that the FAA authorized American Airlines to replace their pilot flight manuals with iPads.

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Bristol Palin’s tell-all memoir will be published next week, following the two books written by her mother. Wonder if she will continue Sarah’s theme of complaining that the media just won’t give them any privacy?

Bristol, for what it’s worth, refers to the the father of her son as a  “gnat.”   So much for last year’s quote  “I believe that wherever possible, if the parents can cooperate and co-parent in a positive way, the child will benefit…. putting aside the past is in Tripp’s best interest.”

New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan is leading the fight against gay marriage in New York. While the Archbishop is entitled to his beliefs, wonder he wasn’t nearly so fervent in fighting to defrock pedophile priests?

Apparently AARP may be willing to negotiate on raising the retirement age for social security. We will know this is for sure if and when they introduce their new AARP spokesman – Brett Favre.

So in the aftermath of the Anthony Weiner debacle, will young couples start changing their wedding vows to say “and forsaking all others, keep thee and thy naughty tweets only unto her?”

Tiger-less U.S. Open update  – (What, there’s a golf tournament this weekend?)   What’s more bizarre? That 22 year old Rory McIlroy shot a U.S. Open record 11 under par for the first two rounds? Or that he did it while double-bogeying the 18th hole Friday?

The NCAA has announced their schedule of 35 bowl games for 2011-12, with ZERO games on January 1. Because it is a Sunday and thus games would conflict on television with NFL games if they settle the lockout. Can’t imagine how these college athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.

Frank and Jamie McCourt have agreed to a divorce settlement that MAY allow Frank to keep control of the Dodgers. Dodgers fans are considering a petition to urge Jamie to keep fighting.

A survey found that Facebook users were 43 percent more likely than other Internet users to say that “most people can be trusted.” That number would have been a lot higher except for all those women who got messages from Anthony Weiner.

 

Back to back

June 17, 2011

Not titles,  but posts.    Apologies since apparently my attempts to hit the “publish” button last night were as successful as the Canucks’ efforts to put a puck in the goal.

But there’s a silver lining after last night’s Canucks Stanley Cup loss and the subsequent riots: Al-Qaeda probably will not be attacking Vancouver any time soon – the terrorists have decided “Those people are scary.”

 

After an opening round 65 on Thursday, Rory McIlroy, 22 is leading the U.S. Open. How young is McIlroy? Why, he can’t even remember a time when famous golfers had to call their mistresses on payphones.

 

So much for Anthony Weiner’s grand ambitions – He probably expected that he would some day walk into a room to “Hail to the Chief.” Instead it’s more likely to be “Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word.”

Now that Weiner has resigned, we have to wonder how many Congressmen have as yet undiscovered potentially embarassing pictures and texts out there. This is known in military parlance as “unexploded ordnance.”

For my non-English friends, in Britain a cellphone is known as a “Mobile.” So this means the past month will go down in history across the pond as the “Weinermobile” scandal.

Once Anthony Wener resigns, as a private citizen he can sext and send pictures to anyone he wants without media attention. Of course, as a private citizen, he will find a lot few women interested in answering his tweets.

A particularly offensive campaign ad in Southern California shows Congressional candidate Janice Hahn as a stripper hanging out with gangsters. The ad has received bipartisan condemnation, although Hahn herself has reputedly now received some texts from Anthony Weiner.

An editorial in the Manchester Union-Leader, which sponsored the first GOP debate, has gone after Mitt Romney for acting “high-falutin” and “haughty.” Responded Romney, if they’re going to criticize me, the correct word is “supercilious.”

 

The Texas Rangers accused the New York Yankees of stealing signs. The Yankees responded they don’t steal anything. They buy the signs fair and square.  (Or as my friend Karen says “they fell off a truck, I know a guy.”

Former NY Giants wide receiver David Tyree said gay marriage is the first step towards “anarchy,” partly because two men or two women together cannot raise a child. So if he feels that way, why have we heard nothing from Tyree about other players like Ray Lewis, Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry, who all have more than a half dozen kids by various women.

And finally, here’s the question of the day. Father’s Day is Sunday. How many cards will Arnold Schwarenegger get?

Honeymoon phase:

June 14, 2011

Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?

Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….

The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.

Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.

Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.

Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.

Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?

President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends.  Wow.  Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.

And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”

President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.

Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.

Rehab express:

June 12, 2011

After his confession Monday, Anthony Weiner announced Saturday that he has requested a leave of absence from Congress while he enters rehab at an undisclosed location. So congratulations to all those who had “five days” in the pool.

And what make Weiner decide to enter rehab?  Repairing his image, redemption, or the chance to meet and tweet Lindsay Lohan?

What a guy. Anthony Weiner now says that he did have online contact with a 17-year-old girl but said the communications were “neither explicit nor indecent.” Right, it was just the communications with the other dozen women that were both explicit and indecent.

Harold Camping, the radio preacher who predicted the end of the world last month, has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke at his Northern California home Thursday night. Apparently he is in stable condition but cannot speak. Guess even God gets to the point sometimes of saying “STFU.”

Reporters are pouring through tens of thousands of recently released Sarah Palin emails. Wonder how many of the fundraising ones begin “Dear friend, I am writing to you about an urgent matter of a confidential nature….”

Former Trojans and current Seahawk coach Pete Carroll  said that USC’s losing their 2004 was “unfortunate.” Although he added, the “most unfortunate thing … kids that were in junior high at the time, or in grade school, are paying the price for it.” Although Carroll didn’t suggest that NCAA actually punish the guilty – by say, levying serious fines on the coaches….

Many viewers thought that “The Bachelorette’s” William’s jokes about insecure Ashley were the most ill-conceived and embarrassing standup routine of the year. But Tracy Morgan just took care of that.

Most asked question these days in Washington, D.C., to iPhone customer service. “Uh, so is there a way to recall and delete texts and pictures?”

Marc Ragovin’s take on my joke about British royalty:

Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, just turned 90, making him the second-longest serving consort of a monarch in history, right behind Stedman Graham.

Titanic?

June 11, 2011

Most of Newt Gringrich’s campaign staff resigned yesterday. One of those rare instances of the crew leaving a sinking rat.

The winner of a charity auction to have lunch with Warren Buffett, who spent over $2.6 million on his bid, will get several hours of investment advice from Buffett. Starting with  – “Don’t spend $2.6 million to have lunch with anyone.”

A Miami tv station caught Dwyane Wade and Lebron James making fun of Dirk Nowitzki’s sinus infection before game 5. After practice, the two smirked and pretended to cough and wheeze, “Whoa, did y’all hear me cough? I think I’m sick,” Wade said before turning toward James and chuckling. It’s that kind of classy behavior that has made the Heat so beloved across America.

Congratulations to Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, on his 90th birthday. Philip is now the longest serving consort of a monarch in British history. Outlasting all of Henry VIII’s wives combined.

The Mavericks and Heat don’t play game six until Sunday at 9p eastern, so even with practices the players should have been able to kick back and relax  on Friday and Saturday nights. For Lebron, it should be just like an average fourth quarter.

San Francisco Giants are in first place, and won tonight 3-2, despite an almost comical lack of offense. They may not repeat as World Series Champions, but the Giants have an almost certain lock on being named the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.

The New York Yankees’ star relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain has undergone Tommy John surgery and will be out of the season. For many teams, this would be devastating. For the Yankees, it’s kind of like a really rich woman breaking a Manolo Blanhik shoe heel. Sad, but it’s time for some expensive shopping.

Congressman (for now) Weiner wrote a handwritten note to his neighbors: “Please forgive the inconvenience of all the press outside. I am sorry for all I have done that has now impacted you. Hopefully it will soon pass. Anthony” If he’d only done handwritten notes in the first place, there might not be all those press outside.

Hillary Clinton is still trying to retire her 2008 presidential campaign debt. So she is raffling off the chance for supporters to have a date for a day in New York with Bill. Responded Anthony Weiner “Hey, I’d have done it for nothing.”

And here’s some fun for anyone reading this and bored on the weekend  – What historical event do we want an interviewer to ask Sarah Palin about next?

Biting the dust.

June 10, 2011

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and many senior staff for his presidential campaign have resigned. Said Rick Tyler, the former press spokesman “The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win.” Namely, as they probably realized, a different candidate.

Miami fans who celebrated upon hearing that Lebron was “taking his talents to South Beach,” may not have thought of one thing. That James might leave his talents in Florida when travelling to road games in the playoffs.

The U.S. State Department denied rumors that Hillary Clinton has been approached about taking over as head of the World Bank.

Well, if she did, at least the maids would be safe.

Terrelle Pryor says he is not interested in the Canadian Football League, and is definitely focused on the NFL supplemental draft. Makes sense, with an average CFL salary of under $100,000, Pryor would be taking a paycut from OSU.

Cam Newton and the rest Auburn’s national champion football team got their White House visit and photo op with the President yesterday. When the NCAA takes away the Tigers’ title in a few years, will they delete the pictures?

Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt arrested for a second time in New Jersey, just a day after appearing in court for an April arrest on traffic charges. Guess Ray Lewis was right about that increase in crime if the NFL lockout didn’t get settled.

How offensively challenged have the World Champion San Francisco Giants been lately?  Mario Mendova, were he still active,  could bat cleanup.

An aide says that while it is too early to tell, Gabrielle Giffords may not be able to return to Congress because she still struggles to find words and put together sentences. Congress? Sounds she’s already recovered enough to run for President.

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin has said that she hopes to meet with Margaret Thatcher when she stops in London on the way to a conference in India this summer. This response from a Thatcher friend was quoted in the U.K. Guardian “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.’

And yes,  we’re not done with Weiner jokes.  (Nor will be ever be, if he doesn’t shut up…)

Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his “situation.” No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was “Dude, come on. At least a dress can be drycleaned.”

Augie says, has there ever been a Brat worst than Weiner?

Speaking of unfortunate names, there has been no scandal about him, but a candidate for leader of the Labour Party in Britain is Ed Balls.

No shortage of losers.

June 9, 2011

How bad are the Mets on-field and financial woes? To increase attendance and revenue simultaneously, rumor has it the team is considering offering free beer. But then charging $20 for pay toilets.

It’s really hard to win the airline division of the “stupidest public relations mistake of the year.” But Delta is, in charging returning servicemen from Afghanistan $2800 for extra bags, is clearly now the frontrunner.

What happened to Vancouver in the last two games of the Stanley Cup playoffs? Eight goals in game three, four goals so far in game four. Roberto Luongo’s goal tending has had more holes than Anthony Weiner’s stories.

But really, could Anthony Weiner have made his choices any worse lately?    Other than proclaiming his innocence last week in a one-hour ESPN special?

It turns out even if he doesn’t resign, Anthony Weiner’s congressional district may be eliminated in next year’s redistricting. Could be the most appropriate Weiner cut since Lorena Bobbitt.

Now it turns out that Anthony Weiner’s wife is pregnant. If it’s a girl will they name her Minnie Cocktail Weiner?

CNN is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s colleagues are telling him he should resign “to preserve his own dignity.” To mix metaphors, I believe this might be a case of locking the barn door after the weiner is out.

The NFL is apparently making contingency plans for an eight game season. Which means the Detroit Lions 2011 slogan might be “Nasty, brutal and short.”

So the latest on embattled and now former OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor is that he will play a year in the UFL. Wait until Pryor discovers they won’t be lining up to pay big bucks for him to sign memorabilia for the Las Vegas Locomotives or Florida Tuskers.

Ann Coulter was a guest on “the View” today. Guess it’s part of the show’s new policy to try to include more male guests.

Lady Gaga’s latest record “Born This Way” will now be available in Lebanon, despite earlier rumors that the album had been banned for being offensive to Christianity. Apparently the Lebanese government decided that Lady Gaga was offensive to most organized religions equally.

Presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty says the government shouldn’t have any organizations or services that overlap with the private sector.

And yes, this is the same Pawlenty who pushed hard for using almost $400 million in public funds, (sales tax) to fund the construction of Target Field, the new Minnesota Twins stadium.  Ah, priorities.