Posted tagged ‘Fourth of July jokes’

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Eggs-actly?

July 4, 2013

GE and Quirky have a new high tech “Egg Minder”, a tray with a Wi-Fi chip that connects it to the Internet, senses how many eggs are left in your refrigerator and sends that information to your smartphone. Or you could just check in the fridge before you go to the store.

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Our younger generation is so used to technology. Have to wonder, when many saw the headline “Inventor of the mouse dies”, how many thought “I thought Walt Disney was already dead”

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It was a Happy July 4th for SF Giants fans: who knew early on the team would not spoil the holiday with a frustrating loss.

(they were rained out.)

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Anthony Weiner, campaigning at a mosque in New York, said “You know, I’m Jewish, married to a Muslim woman”, and lamented that other cities aren’t as tolerant as New York. For that matter, other women aren’t as tolerant as his wife.

Cher appeared tonight at the Macy’s Fourth of July Fireworks Spectacular. Makes sense, she’s as close as they could get to a performer who’s as old as our country.

 

It’s a tough job but Dwight Howard is making Lebron James’ “The Decision” almost look good by comparison.

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Dame Helen Mirren, asked what advice she would give Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes: “I don’t know if you’re allowed to say this on television: Don’t be up your own bum.” Not quite sure what she means but I think I agree with her.

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Just wondering, if you put the Declaration of Independence in a petition, and asked Americans to sign it today, how many would decline. Especially with all that “created equal” and other commie-pinko stuff.

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From the Declaration of Independence talking about King George III “He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance.” Who needs a King now? We have Congress.

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In New York, Joey Chestnut once again won the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest today in New York. On the Fourth of July, good to know that there remains one unquestioned bastion of American superiority.

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Now this is a negative review – from the SF Chronicle’s Mick LaSalle on the Lone Ranger: “But put aside the notion that children shouldn’t see this film. No one should. ‘The Lone Ranger’ is a movie for the whole family … to avoid.” Reminds me of Dorothy Parker who once said of Katharine Hepburn onstage that she ran “the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

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Hot dogs and pizza and pie, oh my

July 4, 2012

Chuck E. Cheese is planning to do a major revamp of their mascot into a hipper rodent rock star with an electric guitar. Maybe they’d be better off to spend the money revamping their pizza?

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California congressman “Pete” Stark told reporters today he’s not likely to debate his opponent this fall because “we’d only get stupid questions like you’re asking.” Is Stark running for re-election, or aspiring to be Governor of New Jersey?

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Suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton and his wife have filed for divorce. Wonder if she couldn’t face the idea of him around the house for a year.

 

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Tuesday was the official weigh-in for New York’s annual July Fourth hot dog eating contest – one sport where Americans still can claim world domination.

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The forecast in San Francisco for July 4 is for cool weather and fog that may unfortunately obscure fireworks. “Oh STFU” said residents of most of the midwest and east coast.

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No one but Tony La Russa really knows if he left Cincinnati’s Johnny Cueto or Brandon Phillips because of a 2010 brawl between the Reds and the Cardinals. But remember this, La Russa is a man who intentionally walked Barry Bonds… in spring training.

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Salon reports that a “source” says Justice John Roberts not only authored the majority opinion upholding Obamacare, but also much of the dissent. If true, who does Roberts think he is? Mitt Romney?

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Mets general manager Sandy Alderson sent out this tweet today: “Wright vs. Sandoval: A city of 8 million was outvoted by a city of 800,000.” Brian Sabean probably should refrain from responding “It’s constitutional, bitches.

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Just wondering New York Mets fans….where was the outrage in 2009 when David Wright was voted to the All-Star team, although Pablo Sandoval had much better numbers?

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From Gary M.:  How successful was SF’s get out the vote campaign?   Sandoval also won Mexico’s Presidential election, yesterday.

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Michele Bachmann was asked if she was being vetted by the Romney campaign as a running mate. Her response: “Whoever it is that he chooses to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moment’s notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House.” If true, she’s not being vetted.

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Nine people were injured in New Hampshire Tuesday night, when a fireworks explosion inside a home set it ablaze. Do newspaper editors have this template ready every July 4 so they can just change the location and details on the injuries?

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NY state rep, Marty Golden, 63. facing a great deal of criticism, cancelled his planned business etiquette event on “posture, deportment and the feminine presence.” where women would learn “sit, stand and walk like a model.” Even Chris Christie had to be thinking Golden is out of touch with women.

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R.I.P. Andy Griffith. You know you might be getting old if you remember he had a show before “Matlock.”

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Fireworks etc.

July 4, 2011

from my friend Joe Salvatore, picture from Chris Aarcon.

And some belated Fourth of July holiday thoughts:

While the USA is a long way from perfect it is still one of a minority of countries in the world where you can post jokes about any politician or political party and not get harrassed or arrested.

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Wonder how they view the Fourth of July in Great Britain these days? My guess, kind of like you might view the anniversary of your spouse leaving you, if you’ve seen they have really let themselves go.

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Mitt Romney is in New Hampshire for Independence day. In honor of the various positions he has held over recent years, I wonder if he’s titled his remarks a “Back and Fourth of July” speech.

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The San Francisco Giants played a mid-afternoon game on July 4,  rather than an evening game which could have been followed by fireworks. The way the team’s hitting with runners on base has been going the Giants figured the fireworks would just get close to a big explosion and then fizzle out.

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If any visitor to the U.S. was watching television and didn’t know the history of July 4, he or she might think we have thought we were celebrating our independence from old mattresses with new ones half off.

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Joey Chestnut won Nathan’s 4th of July hot dog eating contest again. And at fast food restaurants across America shouts of “USA, USA” rang out.

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Joe Biden is now on Twitter. This news shocked Americans on both ends of the political spectrum. Biden is capable of getting any thought down to 140 characters?

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The latest euphemism for 2011, courtesy of John McCain, who says we’re not going to raise any Americans’ taxes, but there were certain “revenue raisers” we could work on….

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From Gary Morton, about several of Herman Cain’s campaign managers quitting.  “Should we call it the ‘Cain Mutiny.’?”

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Happy Fourth!

July 3, 2011

In 2011, Nathan’s will add a special “women-only” division for their annual hot dog eating contest. Maybe next year if they really want to get increased media attention they could add a “supermodel” category – the winner would be the first to finish a cocktail weiner.

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July 4th was always George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He could always remember what day we celebrate it.

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A young man from Serbia has won Wimbledon, a young man from Northern Ireland won the U.S. Open. U.S. sports fans have to be happy it’s almost July 4. As the hot-dog eating contest might be the only championship this summer where Americans dominate.

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The Major League Baseball All-Star voting has been completed. And adding to American athletes’ lack of domination this summer, the number one vote-getter, Jose Batista, is a Dominican born player on a Canadian team.

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Congratulations to Cain, Lincecum, Wilson and Vogelsong. Giants All-Stars are appropriate for the season. Great pitchers. No hitters.

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In central New York, a man taking part in a motorcycle ride to protest helmet laws fell over the his handlebars, hit his head, and died.  While I feel sorry for his family, the guy might be the weekend’s first confirmed Darwin Award winner.

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The rape case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn is falling apart, and now there apparently is support in France for the former IMF head to run for President as the Socialist candidate.  Polls show him with a significant amount of support.

So let’s see, the man is married, has a history of affairs and other “incidents,” with women, and admits to consensual oral sex with a maid.  “How do I get dual French citizenship?” asked Bill Clinton. 

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Tacky time. The rumors about the Dominque Strauss-Kahn case are now that his accuser performed oral sex on the former IMR director, and then became upset when he wouldn’t pay her. If true, the moral of the story could be – “If you’re going to stiff the maid, don’t stiff the maid.”

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Meanwhile, back in the U.S., four of Herman Cain’s staffers on his presidential campaign have quit. Most Americans have one of two responses to this news – 1 – “Wow, that doesn’t speak well for his chances. 2 – “Who is Herman Cain?”

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Mitt Romney will spend the Independence Day holiday in New Hampshire.    In keeping with his political history and stances, wonder if he’ll give a “Back and Fourth of July” speech?

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Happy Fifth of July

July 4, 2010

The Fourth of July is former President George W. Bush’s favorite holiday because it’s always celebrated on the same day every year. Wait a minute, this year the actual holiday is on the 5th? Darn, this is so confusing…

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Although while it may seem odd for Americans to celebrate the Fourth on the Fifth, it’s certainly been a tradition for Americans to celebrate the Fourth with a Fifth.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman is getting annoyed at being referred to as “Queen Meg,” which she says is insulting and sexist. Besides, she prefers “Czar.”

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What do the Giants’ Aaron Rowand (hitting .240) and Kobe Bryant’s wife’s ring have in common? Both represent mega-million dollar mistakes.

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Well, the U.S. may be out of the World Cup, but at least we have defended our supremacy in our true national sport – competitive eating.

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But hey, not only did Joey Chestnut win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, but a professional rival and former winner, Takeru Koboyashi, got himself arrested, partly due to a contract dispute,. Controversy and arrests, now we’re beginning to look like a major league sport.
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Since Sunday was July 4, it was time for writers to opine again that the Star Spangled Banner shouldn’t be our national anthem since the lyrics, “bombs bursting in air” etc, come from a British poem set to an old drinking song. Actually, aren’t fireworks and drinking two of our favorite national pastimes?

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The Boston Red Sox will be placing starter Clay Buckholz on the disabled list, making him the ninth player on their current major league roster currently on the DL. Yet, surprisingly, the Sox have been gaining ground on the Yankees. Who knows, if Boston ends up with All-Stars Jon Lester or David Ortiz on the DL they could win this thing.
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Just a thought, how come unattended bags can so easily cause bomb scares. Which result in all kinds of airline attention and police action, but it never seems to happen to lost bags that endlessly circle baggage claim, or sit unclaimed, for hours. Especially yours.

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The Cincinnati Reds hit seven home runs against the Chicago Cubs Sunday in one game. To put that in perspective, the SF Giants hit nine home in the last nine days.

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What’s wrong with the All Star Game, especially now that the winner determines home field advantage in the World Series? Well, here’s just one of a thousand answers.

Yadier Molina of the St. Louis Cardinals was voted by the fans to be the NL starting catcher, despite hitting .229. To put that in perspective, the offensively challenged San Francisco Giants dumped his brother in a trade to the Rangers, and he was hitting about 20 points higher.

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