Posted tagged ‘July 4th jokes’

Go forth…

July 4, 2015

Today is Nathan’s Hot Dog East Contest. Fitting, on the 4th of July we have the one event where America can still prove our absolute superiority. ‪#‎eating‬

But got to love the Fourth of July.  A holiday where Americans celebrate our Independence while buying things and shooting off fireworks from China.

 

George Takei has apologized for calling Clarence Thomas a “clown in blackface.” Is Takei apologizing for the “blackfare” reference, or for insulting clowns?

ESPN reported Friday morning that the NY Mets had scored 23 runs in the last 17 days. Maybe they’re taking support of the US Women’s World Cup team a little too literally?

 

(And then the Mets won Friday night, 2-1.   )

 

In  late August, the NY Mets will play the Boston Red Sox, in the “Something’s got to give” series.  As my friend Joseph passed on in a comment he read somewhere “The only thing the Red Sox pitching staff has retired this season is Pedro Martinez’s uniform number.”

Not a mirage, lots of Los Angeles fans actually still in the stands in the 9th inning of ‪#‎Dodgers‬ loss to ‪#‎Mets‬ Friday night.  Maybe they’ve actually decided they care more about the game than traffic…. Nah,  it was Fireworks Night.

The NBA free agent market is really heating up. All it needs to be a serious TV event might be some of these players starting to hand out roses to their suitors.

 

Whole Foods is apologizing after an investigation found incorrect weights and overcharging on many of their items – . “Straight up, we made some mistakes, we want to own that.” Of course what the chain probably considers their biggest mistake was getting caught?

 

At around 230a Friday morning, a man decided to ignore “No swimming – alligators ” signs at a Texas marina. A gator promptly dragged him under the water and killed him. ‪#‎Darwinwouldbesoproud‬ ‪#‎Ifonlyhewasarmed‬

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “Joe Maddon is being credited with sparking the Cubs’ recent sweep of the Mets by bringing a magician into the clubhouse prior to the series. Although with the Mets offense a mortician would have done just as well.”

Go fourth.

July 3, 2013

As we approach the 4th of July, do the British look upon the day much as a parent might look upon the day that a child leaves the nest. Painful, but in retrospect thank God they’re no longer our responsibility?

 

Douglas Engelbart, 88, who invented the computer mouse, has passed away. Funeral attendees will no doubt get an electronic invitation that they can click on for directions.

A new report says the U.S. State Department spent about $630,000 to get more followers on their Facebook pages? Really? All they needed were a few good cat pictures.

According to a story in the Washington Post Magazine, apparently now Ted Nugent is considering a White House bid. What’s his slogan? “For those who think Salin Palin isn’t batshit crazy enough?

As more and more information comes out about Aaron Hernandez, what’s more shocking… that the former Patriots’ tight end could be so evil, or that he could be so stupid?

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West apparently turned down a $3 million photo offer from a magazine for their baby. Translation, they’re holding out for $5 million.

Apparently an arrest warrant has been obtained for San Francisco 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks, alleging he hit teammate Lamar Divens with a beer bottle. So congrats to all who had July 3 in the latest NFL pool

(If not, no worries, a new pool starts today….)

Brad Stevens, 36, has been named the new Boston Celtic coach. Now Boston’s trading Kevin Garnett, 37, really makes sense. Since otherwise KG might have been telling Stevens to “respect his elders.”

For his recent performance Buster Posey was chosen the NL Player of the Week. For their recent performance the SF Giants were chosen the NL Team of the Weak.

 

Stupid joke running through my head all day. Why did people rise up against President Morsi? They think “He’gypped us.”

Hot dogs and pizza and pie, oh my

July 4, 2012

Chuck E. Cheese is planning to do a major revamp of their mascot into a hipper rodent rock star with an electric guitar. Maybe they’d be better off to spend the money revamping their pizza?

California congressman “Pete” Stark told reporters today he’s not likely to debate his opponent this fall because “we’d only get stupid questions like you’re asking.” Is Stark running for re-election, or aspiring to be Governor of New Jersey?

Suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton and his wife have filed for divorce. Wonder if she couldn’t face the idea of him around the house for a year.

 

Tuesday was the official weigh-in for New York’s annual July Fourth hot dog eating contest – one sport where Americans still can claim world domination.

The forecast in San Francisco for July 4 is for cool weather and fog that may unfortunately obscure fireworks. “Oh STFU” said residents of most of the midwest and east coast.

No one but Tony La Russa really knows if he left Cincinnati’s Johnny Cueto or Brandon Phillips because of a 2010 brawl between the Reds and the Cardinals. But remember this, La Russa is a man who intentionally walked Barry Bonds… in spring training.

Salon reports that a “source” says Justice John Roberts not only authored the majority opinion upholding Obamacare, but also much of the dissent. If true, who does Roberts think he is? Mitt Romney?

Mets general manager Sandy Alderson sent out this tweet today: “Wright vs. Sandoval: A city of 8 million was outvoted by a city of 800,000.” Brian Sabean probably should refrain from responding “It’s constitutional, bitches.

Just wondering New York Mets fans….where was the outrage in 2009 when David Wright was voted to the All-Star team, although Pablo Sandoval had much better numbers?

From Gary M.:  How successful was SF’s get out the vote campaign?   Sandoval also won Mexico’s Presidential election, yesterday.

Michele Bachmann was asked if she was being vetted by the Romney campaign as a running mate. Her response: “Whoever it is that he chooses to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moment’s notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House.” If true, she’s not being vetted.

Nine people were injured in New Hampshire Tuesday night, when a fireworks explosion inside a home set it ablaze. Do newspaper editors have this template ready every July 4 so they can just change the location and details on the injuries?

NY state rep, Marty Golden, 63. facing a great deal of criticism, cancelled his planned business etiquette event on “posture, deportment and the feminine presence.” where women would learn “sit, stand and walk like a model.” Even Chris Christie had to be thinking Golden is out of touch with women.

R.I.P. Andy Griffith. You know you might be getting old if you remember he had a show before “Matlock.”

Happy Fourth!

July 3, 2011

In 2011, Nathan’s will add a special “women-only” division for their annual hot dog eating contest. Maybe next year if they really want to get increased media attention they could add a “supermodel” category – the winner would be the first to finish a cocktail weiner.

July 4th was always George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He could always remember what day we celebrate it.

A young man from Serbia has won Wimbledon, a young man from Northern Ireland won the U.S. Open. U.S. sports fans have to be happy it’s almost July 4. As the hot-dog eating contest might be the only championship this summer where Americans dominate.

The Major League Baseball All-Star voting has been completed. And adding to American athletes’ lack of domination this summer, the number one vote-getter, Jose Batista, is a Dominican born player on a Canadian team.

Congratulations to Cain, Lincecum, Wilson and Vogelsong. Giants All-Stars are appropriate for the season. Great pitchers. No hitters.

In central New York, a man taking part in a motorcycle ride to protest helmet laws fell over the his handlebars, hit his head, and died.  While I feel sorry for his family, the guy might be the weekend’s first confirmed Darwin Award winner.

The rape case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn is falling apart, and now there apparently is support in France for the former IMF head to run for President as the Socialist candidate.  Polls show him with a significant amount of support.

So let’s see, the man is married, has a history of affairs and other “incidents,” with women, and admits to consensual oral sex with a maid.  “How do I get dual French citizenship?” asked Bill Clinton. 

Tacky time. The rumors about the Dominque Strauss-Kahn case are now that his accuser performed oral sex on the former IMR director, and then became upset when he wouldn’t pay her. If true, the moral of the story could be – “If you’re going to stiff the maid, don’t stiff the maid.”

Meanwhile, back in the U.S., four of Herman Cain’s staffers on his presidential campaign have quit. Most Americans have one of two responses to this news – 1 – “Wow, that doesn’t speak well for his chances. 2 – “Who is Herman Cain?”

Mitt Romney will spend the Independence Day holiday in New Hampshire.    In keeping with his political history and stances, wonder if he’ll give a “Back and Fourth of July” speech?