Posted tagged ‘royal baby jokes’

The name game.

May 4, 2015

Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Are you taking note American celebrities? Really special babies don’t need “special” names.

Of course, bet there are more than a few people who think the new baby Princess was named after a North Carolina airport.

 

Darn good thing Chelsea Clinton had her baby before Kate. Wouldn’t matter if both moms had picked the names out at conception. Many would have said the choice would just have confirmed Hillary’s delusions of being royalty.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently wrote a clause into Jameis Winston’s rookie contract that prohibits him from playing professional baseball. Which means Jameis could still try out for the Phillies.

 

 

So an unnamed source told CBSSports.com that the NBA will probably effect a rule change that would “severely” punish teams for intentionally fouling – the “Hack a Shaq’ strategy.  Right.  Because why teach these prima donnas that they have to learn how to shoot a simple free throw? ‪#‎callingRickBarry‬

In a new book, Melissa Rivers said her mother Joan had 348 plastic surgeries. What, because 350 would have been excessive?

“Duck Commander Musical,” based on the Duck Dynasty family, which opened in Las Vegas April 8, will close May 17. Shocking. Did anyone think before it opened about the Venn diagram of overlapping circles between fans of musicals and the anti-homosexual Robertson family?

At least the only people who died were the wannabe terrorists, but regarding this Mohammed cartoon event in Texas. wonder what Pamela Geller would have thought about an event focused on crude cartoons of Jesus, or even say, Mapplethorpe’s crucifix in urine photo?

The Santa Clara D.A’s office says that an investigation into the SF 49ers’ Bruce Miller allegedly pushing his girlfriend from his car proved “inconclusive,” but they have charged him with vandalism for allegedly throwing “her phone into a wall.” So Miller still has his place on the “all-arrest” team.

(or maybe this is the equivalent of arresting Al Capone for tax evasion?)

Sorry,  if you’re not smart enough to register your own domain name, you’re not smart enough to run the country..   Carlyfiorina.org

From Alex Kaseberg for the TKO,  “Following his defeat of Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather is a perfect 48-0 in fights. 55-0 in fights if you count the seven domestic violence arrests.”

 

In the Texas House, Rep. Matt Schaefer put forward an amendment that would make it illegal to terminate a pregnancy after 20 weeks, even if a fetus “has a severe and irreversible abnormality.” Meaning even if it has died, a woman must carry the unborn body to term. And his rationale – suffering is “part of the human condition, since sin entered the world.”

Of course, to be fair, Schaefer himself is proof that humans can survive without a brain, or a heart.

 

 

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ may have had box scores before in games of 2-8-4. (2 runs, 8 hits, 4 errors.) But guessing this might have been the 1st they won.

Royal inheritance?

May 4, 2015

Lots of discussion in England over who the new baby Princess looks like. Of course, it will be a long time before we find out the answer to a very important question – was she lucky enough to inherit Aunt Pippa’s bum?

Open educational note to any idiot who was thinking of making an anti-Mideast/Muslim comment about American Pharoah and his owner Ahmed Sayat. Sayat is Jewish. No joke. You’re welcome.

Apparently the Brewers’ Ron Roenicke has earned the dubious distinction of being the first MLB manager fired in 2015. On the first weekend in May. Even Cubs fans think that’s giving up a little early.

Several commentators place the SF 49ers as amongst the teams with the worst 2015 drafts. And if you listen hard, you can hear the giggles all the way from Ann Arbor.

(my friend Karen points out there was an earthquake in Michigan yesterday.  So maybe it was Harbaugh doing his happy dance?)

Tiger Woods has posted on his website that he and Lindsey Vonn “have mutually decided to stop dating.” Well, at least he didn’t call it a “conscious uncoupling.”

Listening to some experts say that breakup with Lindsey Vonn might help Tiger Woods focus on golf. Thinking Tiger did just fine when he was juggling a wife AND half a dozen waitresses.

Sure are a lot of people upset today over wasting their money on the “Fight of the Century.” Maybe they’ll all be named honorary SF 49ers Personal Seat License holders.

So now that the Mayweather-Pacquaio event is over, will fight fans just have to sign up with MLB to stream Kansas City Royals games?

So many celebrities in Vegas that they ran out of room to park private jets. Wonder how many of the same celebrities had used those same jets to go to events for Earth Day.

 

A U.K study that included over 2 million people found that those with the highest dementia risk in old age were those who were UNDERWEIGHT. Well, that is at least some comfort to those who worry about an increasing epidemic of dementia in the U.S.

Client reports a United nonstop from Washington-Dulles to SF today has a PLANNED fuel stop in Wichita. Pilot says it’s because the flight is full and they have to either stop for gas or bump 50 people. On a clear spring day. Right. Because flights in the U.S. these days are never full…. ‪#‎andairlneswonderwhywedonttrustthem‬

SF Giants opened up today’s game with back-to-back home runs. (Aoki and Panik) Last time they did that was 1964 – and the pitcher was Bob Gibson. Wonder how many Giants paid for that feat with knockdown pitches and/or balls in the ribs.

 

Who’d a thunk this a couple weeks ago? The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎RedSox‬ now have identical 12-13 records.

Not only going to miss watching the Spurs play for the rest of these playoffs year, going to miss Pop’s interviews: “People ask me about Tim [Duncan] and Manu [Ginobili] and myself for the last five years, what we’re going to do, It’s all psycho babble. I have no clue. We’ll probably come back. Paycheck is pretty good. You think I’m lying.” ‪#‎honesty‬

Bo knows better?

August 13, 2013

The latest Obama “scandal” is the idea that the President chartered a fancy plane to bring Bo to Martha’s Vineyard. Apparently Bo did travel on the MV-22 Osprey, but it also carried White House staff, media, and the Secret Service. Of course if Romney had been elected the dog would have flown on the roof where he belonged.

Joe Biden is giving hints of a possible run for the Presidency in 2016? So what will his real contribution be to the race? Making Hillary look young?

The Texas State Board of Education is trying to get “intelligent design” into biology textbooks. Interesting thing…most of the folks arguing “intelligent design” are their own best arguments against it.

So maybe catcher A.J. Pierzynski’s ejection in the 6th inning was the reason Yu Darvish lost his perfect game in the 8th. Maybe not. But that’s okay. Because the real reason fans come to games is to see world-class umpiring from guys like home-plate umpire Ron Kulpa.

Want tickets to the Univ. of Florida vs. Georgia game this year in Jacksonville? A few are available, all you need is a contribution to the Florida Gator Boosters. The amounts needed? For 6 tickets, $14,500, for 2, $8,300. Hard to imagine how some of these players get that idea that the point of playing college football is money.

Apparently the first pictures of little Prince George after his brief appearance on the hospital steps are likely to be family photos sent out on Twitter by William and Kate. And somewhere the Kardashians are thinking ‘What, no multi-million $ contract?””

Personally I don’t get the handbag thing, (wouldn’t pay $380, let alone $38K), but the Swiss saleswoman is now trying to attack Oprah’s credibility by saying “I simply told her that it was like the one I held in my hand, only much more expensive, and that I could show her similar bags.” Maybe she should quit while she’s behind.

Mike Trout said anyone caught using PEDs should be banned from baseball for life. Which means either that he’s not using, or he doesn’t think he’ll get caught.

Allegedly Johnny Manziel signed autographs and memorabilia for dealers at at least two previously unreported off-season sessions. At this point wonder if Manziel will be signing autographs this fall as a quarterback for the Canadian Football League.

From T.C.  PGA Champion Jason Dufner’s final round scorecard will be sent to The World Golf Hall of Fame, but not until Johnny Manziel co-signs it.

A California man on a hunting trip was shot and killed in Marin County last weekend while riding in a car with other hunters. The Sheriff’s department is indicating a gun accidentally “went off.” Gosh, if only he had been armed.

(Augie wonders, “was Cheney in the car?”)

An SF Giants fan apologized to Adam Jones, saying he did not intend a racial insult, but was so frustrated with the Giants’ play against the Orioles that he just grabbed a banana off a catering cart at AT&T Park and threw it toward the field. The way the SF bullpen looked in that 10-2 loss, suppose it’s lucky that the fan didn’t pick up and throw the whole cart.

Much ado about nothing?

July 28, 2013

Now that the royal baby is born, thousands of British reporters no longer have a good reason to stand around and watch nothing happen. Perhaps they can talk their editors into sending them over to Washington D.C.  to watch Congress.

The satiric U.K. magazine, “Private Eye,”  dealt with all the frenzy last week with a simple headline “Woman has baby.”

 

Saturday the Oakland A’s had “Turn Back the Clock Day”, and honored their 1969 team’s jerseys. The SF Giants apparently also decided to turn back the clock, and honored their 1985 team’s 100 loss season.

(And for any Dodgers’ fans reading this blog.  Or readers who have Dodger fan friends,  please adjust punchline to 1992.    When Los Angeles lost 99 games….

#‎SFGiants‬ fans are lamenting what looks like lost year. Same pain but on a SLIGHTLY smaller scale than ‪#‎Cubs‬ fans and their lost century.

A Hawaii man is suing Delta for allegedly making him crawl down the aisle of its planes and across the tarmac to reach his wheelchair on a 2012 trip, because a flight attendant told him “they couldn’t get him off the plane” otherwise. Just guessing if he had stayed in his seat they’d have figured out a way.

 

As Yankees GM Brian Cashman says that A-Rod should “Go ahead and file a grievance” with the union if he thinks the Yankees are preventing him from playing, manager Joe Girardi says that he doesn’t expect Rodriguez to be a distraction when he does return to the team. Translation, Girardi doesn’t think A-Rod WILL be back with the Yankees.

No new revelations about Anthony Weiner today.   Of course it IS the weekend.

The West beat the East 102 to 98 in today’s WNBA All-Star game. And if you bet on the game you don’t have to ask – you DO have a gambling problem.

 

Ryan Braun becomes the first of what might be many PED suspensions this week, and there are seven shutouts in MLB Saturday, including four 1-0 games. Am sure it’s only coincidence.

Shirley, you can’t be serious.

July 23, 2013

For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)

Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.

Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? ‪#‎Seligfail‬

Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.

Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.

Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?

Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?

 

Two from my friend Marc Ragovin:  “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious:  Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.”   And   “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced.  Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum.  Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”

From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”

The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.

A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?

Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”

Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.

For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”

Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

Good Prince What’s His Name….

July 22, 2013

Congrats to Kate and William.   The heir down, the spare to go.

The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.

From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’s.hospital: “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”

More from the great Simon  “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”

And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.

Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.

Another nice thing about the ‪#‎royalbaby‬. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.

From Gary Bachman:  “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”

How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?

February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?

So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”

What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?

65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football.  (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four  game suspension.)

On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.

Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.

Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.

(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)

Games people pay to play.

July 20, 2013

The NY Post is reporting that some Manhattan parents are hiring $400-an-hour recreation “experts” to organize play dates for their children, since top private kindergartens watch how kids interact as part of the admissions process. Well, what’s $400 an hour when you’re saving for a lifetime of therapy.

 

There are reports that RGIII has been sexting a waitress, even on his wedding day. Who does the Redskins QB think he is? Tiger Woods?

A little bizarre baseball trivia: Tim Lincecum’s no-hitter against the San Diego Padres – 148 pitches. Six SF Giants pitchers combining on a shutout against the Arizona D’backs Friday night – 123 pitches.

New York Mets lose 13 to 8 after falling behind 11 to 0 to Phillies. Guess they didn’t want Citi Field fans to get too used to seeing All-Stars.

While our country will never agree on the trial verdict, can we at least stop this characterization of Trayvon Martin as a thug because he used marijuana? My alma mater, Lake Brantley High School, is about 15 miles from Sanford, Florida. When I went there in the late 70s it was 99% white. And we had an outdoor smoking section. (really). It was a school joke, walk by the section, get high on the fumes. And they weren’t nicotine fumes….

One group that is being very quiet about Trayvon Martin &  George Zimmerman – the NRA. Maybe they don’t want to start seeing quite ALL Americans armed?

And putting this in perspective from Marc Ragovin:    “The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America.  Except in Chicago.  Well played, Steve Bartman.”

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.vB7Q9cly.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

Andrew Bynum, now a member of the Cavaliers, says that Cleveland is “definitely a playoff team.” Well, not sure about that. But the Cavs would probably be at least an NCAA tournament six seed.

Not exactly.  Anthony Hopkins speaking to Jay Leno last night “Only America could produce ‘American Idol.'”

Some wondered if after Texas passed very restrictive laws tightening clinic restrictions and banning abortion after 20 weeks, that the backlash from women might make them reconsider. They’re reconsidering all right. Now a legislator has introduced a bill banning abortion after SIX weeks.

Matt Garza apparently has been told he’ll be traded, though he doesn’t want to leave the Cubs, as he believes the team is headed in the right direction. “I don’t think we are far away from winning.” Sounds like Garza is getting out of Wrigley just in time, he’s becoming delusional.

Dear Gawd, now the U.K. Telegraph has a cover story on “10 ways to bring on the Royal Baby.” Actually there’s one way with a 100% success rate: Wait.

So, conspiracy theorists of the world, where is the speculation that Kim Kardarshian is waiting to show pictures of North West until the day the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth?

Oh not quite baby.

July 17, 2013

One reason that so many people are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the royal baby? How often do we get a real celebrity baby born in wedlock?

So little offense in Tuesday night’s All-Star game you had to wonder if all the batters knew they might be asked to provide a urine sample after the game?

Governor Rick Perry, in an Illinois radio ad trying to lure business to his state – “The escape route leads straight to Texas.” Uh, aren’t they talking about a fence for that?

Matt Harvey said in a Men’s Journal article that he hopes to have the kind of love life Derek Jeter has had, not just the beautiful women, but the privacy. Apparently Harvey, 24, hasn’t thought about Jeter being lucky enough to be in HIS 20s before everyone from age 7 to 70 had their own camera phone.

Gay marriages will now be legal in England, Queen Elizabeth II gave her royal assent to a bill passed in Parliament. Of course, watching her own four children couldn’t have given the Queen any sense that “traditional” marriage needed to be defended….

An interesting sidelight to the legalization of gay marriage in Britain…. it was Prime Minister David Cameron, a leader of the Conservatives, who first proposed the legislation.

 

San Francisco now has its own Applebee’s on Fisherman’s Wharf. For all those locals and tourists who haven’t known where to get a good pomegranate martini made with Sprite. (No joke, was in an Applebee’s in Kansas, only place open late, and had to have them hold the Sprite.)

Asiana Airlines is dropping plans to sue KTVU, the TV station that mistakenly read the four fake pilot names on air. Presumably at least in part because the airline realized such a suit would lead to about four million fake lawyer name jokes.

 

Despite the most recent controversy swirling around him after his early departure from the Manning QB camp, Johnny Manziel says “I’m still going to live my life to the fullest.” Is it too soon to start a pool on his next possible arrest date?

 

Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel said he ended up leaving the Manning QB camp simply because he missed a meeting when he overslept. Yo, Johnny, they’re called alarm clocks. (And there’s an app for that.)

Meanwhile in San Francisco, LB NaVorro Bowman is talking about the “huge mistake” by QB Colin Kaepernick – being seen wearing a Miami Dolphins hat. Is it just me, or should “huge mistake” be reserved for situations where the police are involved. Or maybe butt fumbles.

If Russia gives Snowden asylum South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham is now suggesting the U.S. consider a boycott the 2014 winter Olympics in Sochi. Yeah, that 1980 boycott turned out so well with Afghanistan….