Posted tagged ‘American Pharoah jokes’

Hits and no hits

June 9, 2015

By the numbers.  Hits for  SF Giants pitcher  Chris Heston Tuesday night – 2.

Batters hit by Chris Heston – 3

Hits by the Mets against Chris Heston -0.

That’s some of the weirdest math you’ll see short of a politician claiming he or she can balance a budget.

 

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ did at least do their very best to make Northern California sports fans forget about basketball for Tuesday night.

Nothing on game 3 yet, but the NBA admitted they missed some calls late in game 2 of the finals, three fouls by the Warriors and a travel by Lebron James. Shocking. The NBA still has a travelling rule?

Not sure who’s going to the bullpen or the minors if and when Peavy and or Cain come back this year for ‪#‎SFGiants‬. But Chris Heston just made a pretty good case for it not being him.

 

U.S airlines are thinking of reducing carry-on bag sizes from a maximum 22 inches by 14 inches by 9 inches, to 21.5 inches tall by 13.5 inches wide by 7.5 inches. Which should produce many millions in more revenue. If not from checked bag fees than from commission from luggage makers when Americans need to buy new bags.

One thought about this Texas pool party video. At this point, is there a police officer alive, and for that matter a partying teenager, who shouldn’t know by now that EVERYTHING is likely to be on SOMEONE’s camera phone video?

As of July 9, Carnival Cruise Lines will ban passengers from bringing any bottled drinks on ship. Carnival says the ban is to limit the smuggling of alcoholic beverages on board for “multiple issues.” As in the multiple times a day they want to sell you booze aboard ship.

Bob Baffert said of American Pharoah, the horse won’t race next year, but he can have sex with 200 mares in a short period of time….he’ll have a great life” Right, especially since unlike most top athletes, Pharoah won’t have to keep dealing with his baby mamas and child support.

A federal court has upheld new very restrictive Texas laws that will force half the state’s abortion clinics to close. Well, it’s a good thing that Texas has some of the most generous welfare laws in the country so all those women who can’t get abortions will be able to get financial help with their unplanned-for children….. Oops, never mind.

Franklin Graham, son of Billy, and head of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association wants his followers to boycott Wells Fargo over an ad with a gay couple in it, saying the bank is “promoting a Godless lifestyle. ” And “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. ” Uh, if we’re talking banks in general, what about that stuff on usury?

Mike Huckabee is still defending the Duggar family, saying that the “media has exploited them.” Uh, Governor, if it weren’t for the media, TLC, magazines etc, none of us would have heard of the family in the first place, and Josh might have spent some time in juvenile hall.

 

Finally, from Henry Schulman in the SF Chronicle, for those who don’t live in the SF Bay Area:  “Chris Heston threw the 110th and final pitch of the best game of his life, slammed his right hand into his glove, exhaled a huge puff of air and started to walk the wrong way.

No, Mr. Heston, when you throw a no-hitter, you do not step toward the dugout. You immediately face the plate to get your Buster Hug. That is well-established now on a team that has become synonymous with this difficult and revered baseball achievement.”

(and yes, Heston finally figured it out.)

Thirty seven years…..

June 6, 2015

ticket

Not sure what’s harder to believe, 37 years since the last Triple Crown.  Or how old I’ll be if it’s 37 years until the next one.

Millions of course for this win for the owner, trainer and jockey. For American Pharoah… .all the mares he wants.  A lot of men are thinking, not a bad deal.

As if spelling in the US wasn’t bad enough, millions of children will grow up never learning how to spell Pharaoh. ‪#‎AmericanPharoah‬

Wonder how many superstitious horse owners will now deliberately try to misspell their horse’s names.

Two women who work as costumed characters in Times Square were arrested Thursday, after “Minnie Mouse” got into a brawl with “Hello Kitty.” And how many children in the area are headed for a lifetime of therapy?

Wow. A Fantasy Football Convention scheduled for Las Vegas was cancelled after the NFL objected, saying it violated the league’s rules about players being associated with gambling. There’s gambling around the NFL?? I’m shocked, shocked.

(Actually I’m more shocked the NFL could say this with a straight face.)

The Westboro Baptist Church picketed Beau Biden’s funeral. Can we just tell all ISIS sympathizers that the WBC likes to draw Mohammad too? ‪#‎bipartisanbustohell‬.

A man was arrested today for allegedly throwing coffee at Westboro Baptist Church members who were picketing Beau Biden’s funeral. What!? Wasn’t the coffee hot enough?

Apparently there was a rule in Louisville started in the late 18th century for town meetings – all business must be concluded before drinking could begin. Hmm, might be a good rule to apply to the U.S. Congress.

The Duggars are now blaming the “media frenzy” as being “a thousand times worse” than their brother Josh’s abuse. Now, I feel sorry for the girls, and have no doubt this isn’t any fun for them now at all….but isn’t their family’s whole livelihood dependent on the media in the first place? ‪#‎LivebytheRealityShowDiebytheRealityShow‬

A Delta Air Lines flight from Green Bay to Minneapolis made an emergency landing back in Green Bay after an engine was damaged by an apparent bird strike during takeoff. Delta says there were no injuries. The bird would disagree.

Oh brother.

May 17, 2015

As Jeb Bush fumbles his way around the Iraq question, have to wonder if Jimmy Carter is quietly thinking “And they said MY brother was an embarrassing liability.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin apparently scored 8 goals while playing in an exhibition hockey game with former NHL players. Not to be outdone, Kim Jong Un reported scoring 16 goals in a game after using an anti-aircraft gun on the goalie.

#‎FAOSchwarz‬‘s flagship store in New York is closing. For many of us, especially ‪#‎TomHanks‬ fans, that’s a ‪#‎Big‬ loss.

American Pharoah has a misspelled name. These days does that make him truly America’s horse?

Walt Disney World is opening an Indiana Jones Themed bar and restaurant. Not sure all the entrees, but will one of them have to be snake?

It’s May 17. Which means we are only a month and two days away from a potential game 7 in the NBA finals No joke. ‪#‎andtheysaythebaseballseasonistoolong

 

Happiest people besides Houston Rockets fans after the Los Angeles Clippers’ collapse in game six? Advertisers for the fourth quarter of game seven. Regardless of the score, NO ONE is going to turn the game off early.

When asked if their hockey team could win the Stanley Cup most New Yorkers answer “Yes.” Most Floridians answer “We have a hockey team?”

Full credit to whoever was in charge of music at Great American Ballpark last night. While the smokestack burned they played “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”

 

Meanwhile , so all that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ were missing to turn into an offensive juggernaut was for someone to set a fire in the outfield?

-A US raid has killed a major ISIS commander. Finally something the GOP won’t blame on Obama.


Elizabeth Warren at the Anaheim Convention Center with one of the best summation of the 2016 GOP Presidential candidates:  Some of them took too many rides on the tea cups across the street.

Anti-vaccine protestors outside the California Democratic convention have a number of signs. Including one that says the Republicans are against mandatory childhood vaccinations. And a number of Democratic candidates are thinking “Can we borrow that sign?”

The Clintons have apparently made $30 million in the last 16 months. “Slackers,” sniffed Mitt Romney.

Some Republicans are blasting Bill and Hillary Clinton for making $30 million mostly off speeches. At least they think Chelsea will make her money the American way – by inheriting it.

 

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  ” At a Connecticut golf course, a man in one group ahead brandished a gun on a second group behind who complained that they were moving too slow and demanded to play through. This gives new meaning to ‘approach shot’.”

(wonder if he was on vacation from Florida)

 

Royal inheritance?

May 4, 2015

Lots of discussion in England over who the new baby Princess looks like. Of course, it will be a long time before we find out the answer to a very important question – was she lucky enough to inherit Aunt Pippa’s bum?

Open educational note to any idiot who was thinking of making an anti-Mideast/Muslim comment about American Pharoah and his owner Ahmed Sayat. Sayat is Jewish. No joke. You’re welcome.

Apparently the Brewers’ Ron Roenicke has earned the dubious distinction of being the first MLB manager fired in 2015. On the first weekend in May. Even Cubs fans think that’s giving up a little early.

Several commentators place the SF 49ers as amongst the teams with the worst 2015 drafts. And if you listen hard, you can hear the giggles all the way from Ann Arbor.

(my friend Karen points out there was an earthquake in Michigan yesterday.  So maybe it was Harbaugh doing his happy dance?)

Tiger Woods has posted on his website that he and Lindsey Vonn “have mutually decided to stop dating.” Well, at least he didn’t call it a “conscious uncoupling.”

Listening to some experts say that breakup with Lindsey Vonn might help Tiger Woods focus on golf. Thinking Tiger did just fine when he was juggling a wife AND half a dozen waitresses.

Sure are a lot of people upset today over wasting their money on the “Fight of the Century.” Maybe they’ll all be named honorary SF 49ers Personal Seat License holders.

So now that the Mayweather-Pacquaio event is over, will fight fans just have to sign up with MLB to stream Kansas City Royals games?

So many celebrities in Vegas that they ran out of room to park private jets. Wonder how many of the same celebrities had used those same jets to go to events for Earth Day.

 

A U.K study that included over 2 million people found that those with the highest dementia risk in old age were those who were UNDERWEIGHT. Well, that is at least some comfort to those who worry about an increasing epidemic of dementia in the U.S.

Client reports a United nonstop from Washington-Dulles to SF today has a PLANNED fuel stop in Wichita. Pilot says it’s because the flight is full and they have to either stop for gas or bump 50 people. On a clear spring day. Right. Because flights in the U.S. these days are never full…. ‪#‎andairlneswonderwhywedonttrustthem‬

SF Giants opened up today’s game with back-to-back home runs. (Aoki and Panik) Last time they did that was 1964 – and the pitcher was Bob Gibson. Wonder how many Giants paid for that feat with knockdown pitches and/or balls in the ribs.

 

Who’d a thunk this a couple weeks ago? The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎RedSox‬ now have identical 12-13 records.

Not only going to miss watching the Spurs play for the rest of these playoffs year, going to miss Pop’s interviews: “People ask me about Tim [Duncan] and Manu [Ginobili] and myself for the last five years, what we’re going to do, It’s all psycho babble. I have no clue. We’ll probably come back. Paycheck is pretty good. You think I’m lying.” ‪#‎honesty‬

Fight night.

May 3, 2015

Regarding this ‪#‎MayPac‬ fight on Pay-Per-View. I’m trying to figure out how much someone would have had to have paid me to view it. ‪#‎notaboxingfan‬

 

So what comes next? Mayweather’s next fight or his next domestic violence arrest? ‪#‎MayPac‬

But hey, for anyone who really is a fight fan…. wouldn’t it have been cheaper to sign up to stream Kansas City Royals games?

Now, if anyone wants to see a real fight, the Yankees have decided Alex Rodriguez’s 660th home run is not a “marketable milestone.”  So they don’t have to pay him a $6 million bonus.  Which A-Rod plans to challenge.

(On top of the animosity involved, how often do Americans get to see a fight where they hope both sides lose?)

 

Congrats to American Pharoah for winning the best two minute event in sports. As opposed to say, Big Papi’s batter’s box ritual.

 

American Pharoah could really win the hearts of the country – What’s more American these days than misspelling?  “Pharaoh” is the correct spelling.  But the name sent in and selected as the winner of a naming contest, and the owner didn’t notice.  Until after American Pharoah was registered….

 

Although to be honest, have to wonder how many Americans even know what a Pharaoh is.

 

Maybe next year the Zayat Stable should name a horse “Autocorrect.”

A baby three hours after going to the hospital and a girl at that. Is Kate efficient or what? ‪#‎improvingthegenepool‬ ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

Kate leaves the hospital 10 hours after giving birth. And no doubt some U.S. conservatives would say, yes, another poor mother who suffers because the Government is in charge of healthcare. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

 

 

So the ‪#‎NYJets‬ have yet another quarterback. Forget bobbleheads, will the one of the team’s giveaways be a toy clown car?

And we wonder why former football players have health problems. From a Colts website story on Stanford’s Henry Anderson. “He’s a good pass rusher, and if he adds some weight (he’s 6-6, 295 pounds) he could develop the power that could make him a force up front “. Adds some weight….? Sigh

 

 

Rick Santorum on Bruce Jenner. “If he says he’s a woman, he’s a woman.” It’s a start. now, would Santorum let Ms. Jenner use a bathroom with his wife?

Two police dogs in Medford, are expected to be out of work because while they are great at sniffing out marijuana. pot will become legal in Oregon July 1. But maybe savvy buyers can contract them on a part time basis for quality control?