Posted tagged ‘no-hitter jokes’

Hits and no hits

June 9, 2015

By the numbers.  Hits for  SF Giants pitcher  Chris Heston Tuesday night – 2.

Batters hit by Chris Heston – 3

Hits by the Mets against Chris Heston -0.

That’s some of the weirdest math you’ll see short of a politician claiming he or she can balance a budget.


The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ did at least do their very best to make Northern California sports fans forget about basketball for Tuesday night.

Nothing on game 3 yet, but the NBA admitted they missed some calls late in game 2 of the finals, three fouls by the Warriors and a travel by Lebron James. Shocking. The NBA still has a travelling rule?

Not sure who’s going to the bullpen or the minors if and when Peavy and or Cain come back this year for ‪#‎SFGiants‬. But Chris Heston just made a pretty good case for it not being him.


U.S airlines are thinking of reducing carry-on bag sizes from a maximum 22 inches by 14 inches by 9 inches, to 21.5 inches tall by 13.5 inches wide by 7.5 inches. Which should produce many millions in more revenue. If not from checked bag fees than from commission from luggage makers when Americans need to buy new bags.

One thought about this Texas pool party video. At this point, is there a police officer alive, and for that matter a partying teenager, who shouldn’t know by now that EVERYTHING is likely to be on SOMEONE’s camera phone video?

As of July 9, Carnival Cruise Lines will ban passengers from bringing any bottled drinks on ship. Carnival says the ban is to limit the smuggling of alcoholic beverages on board for “multiple issues.” As in the multiple times a day they want to sell you booze aboard ship.

Bob Baffert said of American Pharoah, the horse won’t race next year, but he can have sex with 200 mares in a short period of time….he’ll have a great life” Right, especially since unlike most top athletes, Pharoah won’t have to keep dealing with his baby mamas and child support.

A federal court has upheld new very restrictive Texas laws that will force half the state’s abortion clinics to close. Well, it’s a good thing that Texas has some of the most generous welfare laws in the country so all those women who can’t get abortions will be able to get financial help with their unplanned-for children….. Oops, never mind.

Franklin Graham, son of Billy, and head of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association wants his followers to boycott Wells Fargo over an ad with a gay couple in it, saying the bank is “promoting a Godless lifestyle. ” And “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. ” Uh, if we’re talking banks in general, what about that stuff on usury?

Mike Huckabee is still defending the Duggar family, saying that the “media has exploited them.” Uh, Governor, if it weren’t for the media, TLC, magazines etc, none of us would have heard of the family in the first place, and Josh might have spent some time in juvenile hall.


Finally, from Henry Schulman in the SF Chronicle, for those who don’t live in the SF Bay Area:  “Chris Heston threw the 110th and final pitch of the best game of his life, slammed his right hand into his glove, exhaled a huge puff of air and started to walk the wrong way.

No, Mr. Heston, when you throw a no-hitter, you do not step toward the dugout. You immediately face the plate to get your Buster Hug. That is well-established now on a team that has become synonymous with this difficult and revered baseball achievement.”

(and yes, Heston finally figured it out.)


Big Time Timmy Jim

June 25, 2014

This is Xena, the voodoo cat, during the 9th inning of Tim Lincecum’s  no-hitter today. #keepcalm #Wegotthis


Okay #Dodgers, so your ace threw a great game last week. But let’s see him throw a no-no and get on base 3 times with two hits in the same game. Your move, Kershaw. #SFGiants

The SF Giants are undefeated when Tim Lincecum throws a no-hitter.


It’s just one day, but earlier this year I’ heard a few people in the SF area say if the Giants only hadn’t made that ill-fated Carlos Beltran trade with the NY Mets they could have Zach Wheeler starting instead of Lincecum. Wheeler was knocked out after 2 innings today by the As with 6 earned runs….

Apparently only two pitchers in history have 2 Cy Youngs, 2 World Series titles and 2 no-hitters – #TimLincecum & #SandyKoufax @SFGiants

In the 7th inning of the no-hitter,  SF Giants announcer Mike Krukow said Tim Lincecum, who was laughing and joking with his teammates, was not observing “normal traditions.” Anyone else never expect to hear #Lincecum and “normal” in same sentence?

USA Today Headline of “Lebron James’ seven best options for free agency.” They listed seven teams. The eighth and most option though “Keeping his mouth shut.”

Hillary Clinton now says she was “unartful” in talking about her family’s money. Now, I may well end up voting for Hillary, but “unartful” is a fancy way of saying “stupid.”

When a South Carolina couple missed their Carnival Cruise because they didn’t have proper ID, they rented a car and drove down the coast to get the IDs and catch the ship in Florida. En route they got into a fight and the husband is now being held on charges of attempted murder. Lots of cruisers have to be glad they didn’t get between this guy and the last shrimps on the buffet line.

Luis Suarez may be suspended by FIFA after yesterday’s “incident.” On a brighter note the Uruguay star might get an endorsement contract from New York for an ad campaign to “Take a Bite of the Big Apple.”


With Nigerians focused on their game against Argentina Wednesday morning, did that mean Americans are seeing a lot fewer opportunities this morning to get rich in their email in-boxes?


Love this report from a client traveling this morning on United. Flight attendant asks people in both exit rows if they are willing and able to help in an emergency. Guy in the first exit row points to his seatmates and says “Let me translate for them, they don’t speak English.”

The Supreme Court ruled today that police need a warrant to search the contents of a cell phone seized during an arrest. The ruling was unanimous. Unanimous? Did Sonia Sotomayor bring back some brownies to share from a trip to Colorado?


Hueytown. Alabama, hometown of the Heisman winner, has declared July 5, “Jameis Winston Day.” Presumably restaurants in town will be advertising “crab so cheap it’s almost free!”

In Mississippi, losing Tea Party candidate Chris McDaniel indicated he may sue over Democrats, many of them African-American, voting for Thad Cochran in the GOP primary. And presumably McDaniel wants to do something about those pesky 15th and 19th amendments while he is at it.

Georgia police now say they have evidence that a man who said he accidentally left his child to die in a hot car, did so deliberately. If so, and he is convicted of murder can someone accidentally leave him handcuffed in the back of a police car for a summer day?

California fined #wholefoods $800,000 for illegally overcharging customers. How could they tell?

(Jon N. “Where do they draw the line between legally overcharging and illegally overcharging?”)



John Boehner says he will sue President Obama over excessive use of executive orders. And says he has so far issued 168 of them. The horror. Compared I guess to that strict constitutionalist George W. Bush, who issued 291.

The worst of Timmy, the best of Timmy.

July 14, 2013


Just guessing that no one will question Buster Posey catching Tim Lincecum again?

The first San Diego batter of the night against Tim Lincecum  was a nine-pitch at bat before he finally grounded out.  And SF Giants announcers talked about a small strike zone.  Over-under had to be about a five inning start, at best?

If Ho Lee Fuk is not an Asiana Airlines pilot he might be a ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan watching Tim Lincecum pitch tonight.

George Zimmerman is a free man. And he’s single. Hey, Casey Anthony is available.

(So anyone want to hire Zimmerman as their neighborhood watch captain?)

For that matter, now that Zimmerman is free and can keep his gun, who volunteers to have him as a neighbor? (My guess, no one with teenage kids.)

“Fruitvale Station”, about the Oscar Grant Bart shooting, is already getting Oscar buzz.  So does this mean someday there might be a critically acclaimed movie about Trayvon Martin.

Dwight Howard says he’s looking forward to a “fresh start” in Houston. The guy is one more alienated team and fan base away from being the Manny Ramirez of basketball.

LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery during a bar fight this April. The deal that will keep him out of jail. Have to assume the team will add an additional punishment, like making him sit out the Kent State game.

23 injured in Saturday’s “Running of the Bulls.” Hey, think we can convince the Texas Legislature that this might be a fun sport for them to try in Austin?

Apparently smartphone thefts are one of the fasting growing crimes in this country. My solution: have a Blackberry. No one wants to steal the thing.

Star basketball guard, Marshall Henderson, now suspended from Old Miss, was on his , fourth college. And this suspension was the result of “multiple” failed drug tests. It’s all part of the NCAA’s “10 strikes and you’re out program.”