Posted tagged ‘Lincecum jokes’

Will the last to leave the UK please turn out the lights?

June 23, 2016

History books teach us that Henry VIII united England with Ireland and Wales, and James I/VI united England with Scotland. And now they may well teach us David Cameron and his referendum was the one who dissolved the UK. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Brexit‬

 

Many Tory MP’s in Britain signed letter saying Cameron had “a duty to stay on” after ‪#‎Brexit‬. Right, like captain of Titanic after iceberg.

‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ has traveled to the UK at this time of ‪#‎Brexit‬ turmol, to visit…. his golf courses? ‪#‎priorities‬ ‪#‎clueless‬

 

Donald Trump & many of his supporters have been in favor of ‪#‎Brexit‬. As the UK economy already is taking a hit before daybreak, ‪#‎becarefulwhatyouwishfor‬

#‎DonaldTrump‬ due to arrive in ‪#‎Scotland‬ this am after ‪#‎Brexit‬. Too much to hope that he praises vote? (Scots voted strongly for ‪#‎Remain‬)

Gibraltar did  vote to stay in the EU. Shocking many Americans who didn’t realize they were part of Britain. ‪#‎Brexit‬.

 

San Diego came in 2nd (to Buffalo) in a list of the 40 most depressing cities for sports fans. Most San Diegans didn’t notice though, as they were outside on yet another 72 degree sunny day.

Posted last weekend that Tim Lincecum hadn’t shown he could pitch against major league hitters, but he did show he could pitch against the As. Well, let me revise that, Timmy showed could pitch against the As ONCE. ‪#‎secondtimenotthecharm‬

Kawhi Leonard is the latest NBA player to say he will not play in Rio in 2016. It’s tough to have a Dream Team when it’s looking like a Nightmare Olympics.

Carmelo Anthony has announced he WILL actually play for Team USA in the Olympics. Makes sense, even with the depleted roster, Carmelo still has a better chance of winning something than while he’s on the Knicks.

 

Elizabeth Warren showed up last night on the House floor with several boxes of Dunkin’ Donuts. A blatant but futile attempt to elicit ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ support from Chris Christie.

Many people were injured and the gunman shot dead by police in a theater attack in Germany today. No definite word on who the man was, if he were Muslim so conservatives can blame “radical Islam,” or neo-Nazi so they can blame mental illness.

Just to prove that the US doesn’t have a monopoly on a paranoid electorate, there was a hashtag ‪#‎usepens‬ trending in Britain Thursday. Because of “warnings” that pencil-written ballots may be erased as part of an government conspiracy to remain in the EU.

So Paul Ryan calls the Democratic sit-in over gun control a “publicity stunt” and “fundraising stunt.” As opposed to the over 60 times the GOP House has voted to repeal Obama…?.

Jerry Falwell, Jr, the president of Liberty University, posted a picture of himself and his wife with Donald Trump, in front of a framed Playboy magazine with Trump on the cover.
Falwell has angrily responded to critics saying it’s a “decades-old” cover. Next presume Jerry will be attacking the Clintons over Whitewater and Monica Lewinsky.

A friend whose dog just died  is trying to adopt a rescue dog and jumping through all kinds of hoops to prove she is worthy. Probably would be faster if she just bought a gun online and walked into the shelter with it demanding that they give her the dog. ‪#‎sarcasm‬ ‪#‎mostly‬

From Marc Ragovin, since Rory McIlroy is bailing on Rio over the Zika virus.  “I guess we can say that McIlroy is bugging out on the Olympics.”

The end i$ in $ight?

June 18, 2016

Ratings have been so high for ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ waiting for the first conspiracy theorist to suggest ‪#‎NBA‬ & officials will somehow try to get a game 8.

Some question as to whether or not Tim ‪#‎Lincecum‬ was ready to face major league hitting. Looks like he was at least ready to face the Oakland As.

Vin Scully last night, in talking about a player from Venezuela, said “socialism failing to work, as it always does.” To be fair, maybe Vin is upset about the Dodgers with MLB’s luxury tax and revenue sharing.

Major difference between the ‪#‎MEXvCHI‬ rout Saturday in Levi’s Stadium and most ‪#‎49ers‬ games?   Mexico fans filled the stadium and stayed longer.

And at 7-0 at least Chile scored a touchdown.

Among many ideas for redeveloping Penn Station in New York City,  is a proposed thrill ride that would charge $35 for a free fall experience.  Uh, okay, but for locals who really enjoy free-falling, aren’t they already satisfied with the Knicks?

 

#‎ChelseaClinton‬ has announced the birth of a baby boy, ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬‘s 2nd grandchild. Waiting for the ‪#‎GOP‬ rebuttal.

 

Billionaire Charles Koch has not endorsed in the presidential race, but last month he contributed $3 million to “Freedom Partners” a super PAC supporting GOP senators. Maybe the PAC should rename itself honestly – “Republicans Surviving Hillary Because We Won’t Survive Trump.

A frustrated Donald Trump “It would be helpful if the Republicans could help us a little bit.” The GOP to Trump “Back at ya.”

The Trump campaign sent out an email “Right now we’re facing an emergency goal of $100,000 to help get our ads on the air. We need your contribution by 11:59 P.M. Tonight.”
Finally, Trump is acting like a real candidate.

Sarah Palin posted a rant today on Facebook starting out “President Obama is a Special Kind of Stupid.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

#‎MSN‬ poll: 74% in US think ‪#‎Game7‬ will be close. (34% ‪#‎Cavs‬, 40% ‪#‎Warriors‬.) Shocking, 74% think any 2016 ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ game will be close?

Time to man up?

June 26, 2014

Really? Ann Coulter, says “any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.” And that “I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” First, Ann should STFU. Second, few Americans are likely to be watching past the next round anyway.

 

 

Another thought on Ann Coulter’s comment that “No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” Thinking that not having children just makes Ann bitter about never having the chance to become a great-grandfather.

Phrase we never thought we’d hear in the USA. “Don’t ask me a work question, I’m watching the #WorldCup.” #USAvGER

Question asked around the US today? “So how do you win the World Cup by losing a game? “. “Oh, you mean there’s more…?”

In later World Cup games Thursday, Belgium beat Korea 1-0 and Algeria tied Russia 1-1. And across the USA one response “There were later games?”

Luis Suarez has been banned four months for biting. Although his actions did change the conventional wisdom that most Americans couldn’t name a single player in the World Cup

Ghana has kicked two players off their World Cup team after a training “altercation.” And apparently they had to bring $3 million in cash to Brazil yesterday after players threatened to mutiny over not being paid enough. Who says “futebol” is nothing like American football?

Tiger Woods shot a 74 on his first day back in a tournament. At ESPN they are wishing there were only some way to give the other golfers red cards.

 

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will apparently reunite briefly on screen in the upcoming movie “Ithaca.” Of course, this time they will both be “Sleepless in Seattle” from getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

Howard Baker, 88, has died. He was Reagan’s chief of staff, a presidential candidate himself, and a moderate GOP Senate Majority Leader. Yes, Virginia, there was a time you could be known as a “moderate Senate Majority Leader”

If anyone has been  watching the #SFGiants lately and  heard Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter against the Padres, their first question must have been “Did he win?

 

LGBT night at A T and T  and not a single same sex couple shown on “Kiss Cam.”. That’s as weak as #SFGiants hitting tonight.

According to the CDC, women are considered “heavy drinkers” if they have eight or more drinks a week, men are “heavy drinkers” if they have 15 or more. Great, one more stressor to drive us to drink.

 –

UK based Titan says they have sold at least one Titan “Zeus”, a $1.6 million, 370 inch TV. And somewhere some guy’s neighbor is plotting how he can find one bigger.

Open note to all drivers: When you are the 2nd, 3rd and 4th cars through the intersection after the light in the other direction turns green, it is just possible you ran a light that was a bit past yellow.

 

From Bill Littlejohn :   “Robert Morris University-Illinois has become the first school to consider video games as a sport.   CalTech could be next, but has concerns over attracting too many ‘one-and-dones'”

The worst of Timmy, the best of Timmy.

July 14, 2013

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Just guessing that no one will question Buster Posey catching Tim Lincecum again?

The first San Diego batter of the night against Tim Lincecum  was a nine-pitch at bat before he finally grounded out.  And SF Giants announcers talked about a small strike zone.  Over-under had to be about a five inning start, at best?

If Ho Lee Fuk is not an Asiana Airlines pilot he might be a ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan watching Tim Lincecum pitch tonight.

George Zimmerman is a free man. And he’s single. Hey, Casey Anthony is available.

(So anyone want to hire Zimmerman as their neighborhood watch captain?)

For that matter, now that Zimmerman is free and can keep his gun, who volunteers to have him as a neighbor? (My guess, no one with teenage kids.)

“Fruitvale Station”, about the Oscar Grant Bart shooting, is already getting Oscar buzz.  So does this mean someday there might be a critically acclaimed movie about Trayvon Martin.

Dwight Howard says he’s looking forward to a “fresh start” in Houston. The guy is one more alienated team and fan base away from being the Manny Ramirez of basketball.

LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery during a bar fight this April. The deal that will keep him out of jail. Have to assume the team will add an additional punishment, like making him sit out the Kent State game.

23 injured in Saturday’s “Running of the Bulls.” Hey, think we can convince the Texas Legislature that this might be a fun sport for them to try in Austin?

Apparently smartphone thefts are one of the fasting growing crimes in this country. My solution: have a Blackberry. No one wants to steal the thing.

Star basketball guard, Marshall Henderson, now suspended from Old Miss, was on his , fourth college. And this suspension was the result of “multiple” failed drug tests. It’s all part of the NCAA’s “10 strikes and you’re out program.”

Another #1 bites the dust….

October 17, 2010

Ohio State lasted all of one week at number one before they were knocked off 31-18 by the Wisconsin Badgers.

 

Texas 7, New York 2.  Texas’s bullpen held on. But as the game headed to the eighth, Rangers fans had to be united in one thought…. any chance Nolan Ryan might be available??

Friday night, however, with a 5-0 lead over the Yankees in game one of the ALCS, Texas fans were hoping for a historic evening . As it turned out, historic, yes, kind of like the Alamo.

According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, a league official is expected to meet with Brett Favre this week. The league is apparently taking seriously the  allegations that Favre  sent “sext”messages to a reporter when he was with the Jets.

The details will be worked out once the league and Brett can work out a mutually agreeable time between his regular nap and the “Early Bird special.”

Okay,even if Tim Lincecum never wins another post-season game (unlikely), he might win the award for best respond to playoff heckling.  After receiving a game’s worth of wolf-whistles and cat-calls for his long hair, Lincecum’ s response was “I must have a really nice butt.”

The San Jose Sharks, despite an early 2-0 lead, lost their home opener to the Atlanta Thrashers 4-2. On a brighter note, fans know that despite it being October, the Sharks are already in playoff form.

The FDA has approved Botox to treat headaches. Including perhaps the headaches caused by not being able to move your face?
Actually, upon further reflection, Botox for headaches,huh?  How many men will be asking Santa for a combination gift of Botox and Viagra this Christmas?
From TC:: “Incredible,” exclaimed the first guy out of the Chilean mine. “Why?” asked a reporter, “because you have finally been rescued?” No, the miner replied, “That the Maple Leafs are undefeated and in first place!” .
(for all non-hockey fans, yes, the Leafs are 4-0, and to put this in U.S. sports perspective for “Leafs” substitute Detroit Lions.  Except that the Lions are not in first place.)
New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees and his wife apparently have decided to name their new baby boy  something that starts with “B”,  and Brees has asked fans to help by making suggestions  that are “unusual.”
No word on the winning name, but it’s a pretty sure bet what the kid will someday be calling his dad for coming up with the idea:  Bozo.

High strikes and misdemeanors.

November 20, 2009

Tim Lincecum won his second straight Cy Young award today. The person most unhappy about this? (No, not runner-up Chris Carpenter.) Michael Phelps. He’s now worried the IOC may classify marijuana as a performance enchancing drug.

Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young award Thursday morning, and Ricky Williams scores three touchdowns Thursday night for Miami. It might have been the best day for stoners since they invented Doritos.


Although Lincecum only had 15 wins this year, voters apparently felt his statistics outweighed the results. Besides, he had two significant handicaps playing for San Francisco. First, the Giants’ anemic offense didn’t score him many runs. Second, he didn’t have the benefit of pitching against his own team.


(Actually, how bad was the Giants’ offense last year? They would have had to taken iron to be considered anemic.)

Vikings coach Brad Childress has been offered a contract extension through 2013. Which means he will only have to put up with Brett Favre retiring and unretiring another 2-3 times.

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Senator Robert C Byrd, 92, is now the longest serving member of Congress ever, having first been sworn in on January 3, 1953. He has cast more than 18,000 votes. And at this point, he remembers at least a dozen of them.

Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin was to rate President Obama’s performance on a scale of 1 to 10. And George W. Bush said, “1 to 10? Palin is right about the sexism, they always ask her the hard questions.”


Former Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been saying that some of the criticism of Obama have been “unfair and even shameful.” (He was referring to things like GOP criticism of the President visiting Dover to pay respect to the coffins of returning soldiers, and the White House Halloween party for local children.) Huckabee added that while he is a conservative, he feels that “knee-jerk” criticism is counter-productive and prevents civil debate.

How weird is it that amongst leading Republicans, the creationist turns out to be one of those who seems most highly evolved?


USC Coach Pete Carroll will use his team’s bye week to do some recruiting. While there may be a few twins and multiple players from the same schools on his lists, it’s a pretty safe bet no one will ask him anywhere if he’s going to “go for two.”

The South African sports ministry has stated that gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya will remain sealed and private. Yeah, that worked out so well with steroid testing in baseball.

Cincinnati quarterback Zach Collaros was caught trying to enter a bar with a fake ID before he turned 21 this year. He was sentenced to a first offender program, but has apparently been AWOL .

The judge warned Collaros that he will be jailed if he doesn’t start the program soon, and added “It’s not like blowing off a math class.” Said several SEC quarterbacks “What’s a math class?”

Headline? Giants avoid high anxiety with Lincecum.

November 7, 2009

Good news for San Francisco fans. Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum will apparently not be disciplined by Major League Baseball for his marijuana arrest.

He pled guilty to possession of drug paraphenalia, without admitted he actually used the pipe. Which actually makes sense, possession not proving use. The SF Giants lineup in 2009 all were given a full supply of bats.

And as to those who say he was driving impaired… Let’s see, he was doing 74 in a 60mph zone. If he were really stoned, he would have been driving 15 mph. With one hand in a bag of Doritos.


One thing you won’t probably hear in from Lincecum in an interview in future – “Put that in your pipe and smoke it.”


Presumably Lincecum will be a little more careful or at least discreet in future. Wonder if his mound music will be “Last Dance with Mary Jane.”


Today Manny Ramirez chose not to become a free agent and exercised his $20 million option with the Dodgers for 2010. As if that’s a surprise. Even the Yankees said “No thanks, we won’t waste the money.”


Paying Manny Ramirez $20 millions after a year where he missed 50 games with a drug suspension, and performed mediocrely during the rest of the season and the postseason…. That’s got to be the most irritating money Dodgers owner Frank McCourt will pay ever out…well, until his divorce settlement.


Republicans are criticizing President Obama’s decision not to attend the commemoration of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall in Germany. And Newt Gingrich went so far as to say, “Some consider it an outrage, I consider it a tragedy.”

As opposed to the outrage and tragedy Gringrich would have said it was to jet off to Europe for a ceremony while the healthcare debate rages on and unemployment topped 10 percent.


President Obama talked about his daughter Melia in a recent speech on education, and cited one of her test scores of 73. And George W. Bush called his father and said “When you were president why didn’t you ever brag about me like that?”

A South Korean woman finally passed the written exam for a driver’s license on her 950th time. And millions of people around the world had the same reaction, “please don’t let her move to my street.”


This last almost completely written by Marc Ragovin. Completely tacky. Wish I had first thought of the concept.

This World Series celebration did nothing to tone down A-Rod’s ego -now he really thinks of himself as a American hero. Especially since like Captain Sully, he finished the day in the Hudson.

Baseball…beyond the World Series.

November 6, 2009

With the Yankees winning in six games, the World Series was finally completed November 5. The good news for Cubs’ fans. It’s less time to wait until “next year.”

Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was apparently caught smoking marijuana. This is the most shocking news since Adam Lambert announced he was gay.


Does the arrest make Lincecum the acknowledged master of the high strike?


Joe Giraldi wore number 27 as Yankees manager because he made it a goal to win the team’s 27th championship. This doesn’t always work out so easily. But it explains why Leo Durocher managing the Cubs always wore number 2.


Yankees fans will tell you that the team won not because of money, but because of good management, team chemistry, hard work….. Yes, and the 65 year old men sitting in the box seats with 25 year old women will tell you the gals are with them because of their sparkling personalities.


The Yankees’ victory parade will be November 13. Moving Bud Selig just a little closer to his goal of combining it with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.


They expect record crowds to line the streets, mostly because most New Yorkers no longer have jobs to go to as an alternative.


At least the parade will be free, which means it will also be the first chance most New Yorkers will have this year to see the team in person.


Sometimes no punchline will do a story justice. The following is an AP story reported at sfgate.com link included to show I am not making it up.

An Ohio man dressed as a Breathalyzer test for Halloween found himself blowing into one after police stopped him for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said they stopped 20-year-old James P. Miller on Halloween night and found beer in his front seat and in the trunk.

Police said Miller blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test. He was cited on charges including operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage possession of alcohol, having an open container and a fake ID, and a one-way street violation.


As she kicked off her Senate campaign, Carly Fiorina criticized Washington by saying ‘What is it they are doing with all our money?” Funny, that’s the same thing shareholders said when she was in charge of HP.