Posted tagged ‘Carly Fiorina jokes’

And then there were two.

May 3, 2016

Ted Cruz has announcing he is dropping out of the GOP race. Wow. ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ tanked that campaign even faster than she tanked ‪#‎HP‬


Maybe ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ did bring something to the ‪#‎TedCruz‬ campaign after all – lots of leftover staff layoff notices?


So who’d a thunk the ‪#‎GOP‬ Primary might be down to one candidate before the Democrats?

So wonder how much we Democrats can fundraise to convince ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ to volunteer for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬‘s campaign?

#‎Trump‬ called ‪#‎TedCruz‬ tonight “a great guy with one hellava future.” Doesn’t he mean a future in hell? ‪#‎Lucifer‬


Headline “Ted Cruz Suspends Campaign After Primary Loss in Indiana.” Wait, don’t suspensions generally follow enhanced performances?

Donald Trump is now close to clinching the GOP nomination, so talk may soon turn to his potential running mate. The Donald has mentioned picking a woman. Well, considering his popularity within the party and the voters apparent love for a reality TV star with no political experience, maybe Trump is considering a Kardashian?

Okay, who besides me regularly sees things that reportedly come out of ‪#‎Trump‬‘s mouth & has to double check that it’s not ‪#‎theOnion‬?

Regarding the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Eric Trump told news outlets that Obama’s jokes about his dad were “all in good fun,” but “we are going to be there next year.”
Hmm, so they’re going to accept Hillary’s invitation?

Earlier today,  Donald Trump, apparently not content with his lead over Cruz in the polls, is now onto the National Enquirer story about Cruz’s dad “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. That was reported, and nobody talks about it… What was he doing? What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death, before the shooting? It’s horrible”
And millions of Americans thought this race couldn’t get any crazier. ‪#‎weveonlyjustbegun‬


It was just announced that the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Neil Young, Roger Waters and the Who will all perform in a 3 day-concert festival in Indio, California this October.
Maybe with all these rock and roll deaths they figured they’d better get together before it’s too late? ‪#‎concertfortheages‬ ‪#‎concertfortheaged‬


This mega concert with the Stones, McCartney, Dylan, etc this October should be notable in many respects. For one thing, it may be the first festival to forego portapotties in favor of Depends.

You know Justin Verlander’s pitching has been going downhill when the CNN headline is “Model Kate Upton gets engaged.”

A record 16 ‪#‎TonyAwards‬ nominations for ‪#‎Hamilton‬?!. Gosh, hope this doesn’t make tickets too hard to get.


The SF Chronicle reports that Northern California’s Bitmicro Networks Inc. which manufactures flash storage systems, has agreed to pay about $161,268 in back wages to engineers from the Philippines. The company brought them here, housed them in a hotel, and illegally paid them about $2 an hour. Bitmicro claimed that the wage issue was an oversight.
Right, it was an oversight that someone didn’t do a better job of hiding the foreign workers’ pay rate.

The Second Circuit Court of Appeals has granted Tom Brady and the NFLPA a 14-day extension on Tuesday to file for a rehearing on “Deflategate.” Right, because this whole saga hasn’t gone on for nearly long enough.

The NBA’s last two-minute review admits five missed calls at end of last night’s Spurs-Thunder playoff game. Only five?



Fouls and other offensiveness.

May 2, 2016

If you had to say one good thing about NBA refs it’s that they make you appreciate MLB umpires.


Well this ought to do wonders for those who say ‪#‎NBA‬ games are fixed. ‪#‎offensivefoul‬ ‪#‎OKCvsSAS‬ ‪#‎Spurs‬

Not saying Ginoboli got hacked on that inbound at the end of the Oklahoma City -San Antonio game, but 7 of 10 NFL refs might have called a penalty.

In Cincinnati,  Johnny Cueto got a nice ovation from ‪#‎Reds‬ fans just by showing up. He didn’t have to thank them by pitching batting practice in the 3rd ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Although, while Cueto did give up six runs, he also got a couple RBI’s.   The #‎SFGiants‬ are leading baseball with pitchers with hits and RBI’s. 11 each. ‪#‎wedontneednostinkingDH‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

A marijuana dispensary is apparently interested in taking over the naming rights for the Denver Broncos’ Sports Authority stadium. Leaving aside the Mile High jokes, this could really be a great marketing partnership for Peyton Manning’s Papa John’s pizza.


Pablo Sandoval has had shoulder surgery and will miss the rest of the 2016 season. Maybe to improve the Panda’s chances in 2017 the Red Sox will request a two-handed sling that makes it impossible for him to hold a fork?

Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, The Who, Bob Dylan and Roger Waters all posted on social media with an apparent tease for a mega concert this October. Shocking! All those old farts know how to use social media?

Sports Authority is liquidating all its stores.  Sports Authority still had stores?

Ted Cruz on the campaign trail “we will not give into evil….” This is the man who put Carly Fiorina on his ticket?

Carly Fiorina felt off a stage at a Cruz rally today.  As opposed to Cruz’s campaign itself, which seems to have fallen off a cliff.

Really? Now, I know there is no love lost between ESPN and Curt Schilling, and Schilling was an idiot to keep posting incendiary stuff after his employers told him to stop. But now the network aired an “30 for 30” about the Red Sox miracle ALCS comeback in 2004 against the Yankees and cut out the “bloody sock” game.
What are we, folks, ten year old boys?

Turing Pharmaceuticals, Martin Shkreli’s former company, which raised the price of an AIDS drug 5,000% has been sued for breach of contract by the company that let it sell the drug in the first place.
Not sure which lawyers Turing might get for their defense – maybe some who find the Cruz campaign too warm and fuzzy?

Old Navy is now getting heat from internet trolls over an ad featuring an interracial family. Ok, now as misguided as these folks are who are against transgenders in bathrooms over the fear factor, who exactly do they expect an interracial family to hurt?

While we’re at it, assume none of these anti-interracial  family trolls are sports fans….particularly of the NBA – Tony Parker, Klay Thompson,  Blake Griffin…. for starters. And then there’s Derek Jeter.


Donald Trump is criticizing Hillary Clinton for her “off the reservation” comment, saying “If I made that statement about women, then there’d be front page headlines I think it’s a very nasty statement to men…”
I think even the pot and the kettle are both giggling.

Four Auburn sophomore football players were arrested on misdemeanor marijuana charges last weekend, three who were reserves, and one, Carlton Davis III, who was a freshman All-American. Coach Gus Malzahn said “we will handle the matter appropriately.
Translation, the three reserves might be suspended for Auburn’s opener against Clemson, and Davis III might be suspended for the Tigers’ second game against Arkansas State.

We Americans love underdogs. So we can happily congratulate ‪#‎Leicester‬ on a great Premier League championship. Without ever watching a soccer game.

The name of the game?

April 27, 2016

Okay, if you had someone who had never watched baseball before  last night’s SF Giants’ 1-0 win, a Johnny Cueto complete game gem. And then they watched today’s 13-9 game…. well, it would be very hard to explain to them that it’s the same sport.



#‎NBA‬ worried about ‪#‎AllStar‬ game in ‪#‎NorthCarolina‬, but no one figured they’d need to worry about 2nd or 3rd round playoff games ‪#‎Hornets‬

#‎Rockets‬ don’t just look like they don’t belong on floor with ‪#‎Warriors‬, Houston looks like they don’t belong on floor with ‪#‎Villanova‬.

Justin Bieber picked the Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA title. That might be the best news the Warriors, Thunder and Spurs have heard all week.

He stays, he goes, he stays, he goes…? Apparently 49ers GM Trent Baalke still won’t rule out trading Colin Kaepernick this week. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dudes, make up your minds.”

Emily Pitha, a fundraiser for John McCain’s Senate re-election campaign fundraiser, has been arrested in Arizona for a meth lab with LSD, cocaine, heroin, counterfeit cash and bomb-making materials. And who’d a thunk McCain would ever associate with a woman he hadn’t properly vetted.

Donald Trump  accuses Hillary of playing the “woman card.” Ted Cruz picks Carly Fiorina, thereby playing the “madwoman card.”

Dennis Hastert has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. Yep, the same former speaker who voted with the Moral Majority and co-sponsored a bill against online predators, saying “it sends a strong message to the most heinous of criminals who prey upon our children — you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”
I guess preying upon children at school doesn’t count?

Ted Cruz has apparently picked  Carly Fiorina as his running mate. The only person who could make Cruz look likeable by comparison?

So have to wonder, if Cruz wanted to add a woman to his proposed ticket, why not someone like Nikki Haley, who most people like and respect even if they don’t agree with her.
Hmm, of course maybe he did ask and Haley is smart enough to have said “NFW.”

Ted Cruz has picked Carly Fiorina for his running mate should he win the nomination. Hmm, wonder who Ben Stiller has picked for his speechwriter should he win an Oscar for Zoolander 2?

Ted Cruz last night, referencing Hoosiers “The amazing thing is that basketball ring here in Indiana, it’s the same height as it is in New York City and every other place in this country.”
Standby for Cruz’s next speech where he talks about getting into the boxing hoop with Donald Trump.

Dennis Hastert has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. Yep, the same former speaker who voted with the Moral Majority and co-sponsored a bill against online predators, saying “it sends a strong message to the most heinous of criminals who prey upon our children — you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”
I guess preying upon children at school doesn’t count?






January 3, 2016

Not saying the Hawkeyes defense really lost track of during the . But I hear they’ve put his picture on milk cartons.


Potential good news for Stanford fans in 2016: Since McCaffery did so well in the Rose Bowl and he’s a good looking,  likeable kid, maybe the television gods, who rule college football, may decide to put the Cardinal on TV at reasonable times in hopes of good ratings.


It is actually trending on social media that folks are upset because the Stanford band made fun of Iowa with a simple halftime performance featuring a farmer and a corn field and a cow, which included saying that Iowans meet on “
Uh, has anyone who is upset actually seen or heard of the Stanford band before? ‪#‎prettymildbytheirstandards‬


#‎TCU‬ beat ‪#‎Qregon‬ after being down 31-0 at ‪#‎AlamoBowl‬?!    Wow. Looking back Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett had better odds against the Mexican army.

This is the last time ‪#‎Oregon‬ gets to dip into the celebratory brownies at halftime.


So let’s see, neither Iowa nor New Hampshire nor South Carolina has ‪#‎NFL‬ team. Does ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ root for ‪#‎Patriots‬ or ‪#‎Panthers‬?

Californians wonder if Fiorina got the idea to root for Iowa because she has fond memories of developing the concept of Demon Sheep there?

Note to ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬: If you are going to pander to get votes in GOP primary., pick a state whose team could actually win.

Just imagine how popular ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ will be at her next ‪#‎Stanford‬ reunion.

The ‪#‎TaxSlayerBowl‬? It’s enough to make you long for the innocent less commercial days of the ‪#‎PoulanWeedEaterBowl‬

So was the prize for winning the ‪#‎Motel6CactusBowl‬ not having to spend the night after the game in a ‪#‎Motel6‬?

So how long will it be until ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ start railing against the ‪#‎StanfordBand‬?

Yahoo Sports reports that Alabama, who beat Wisconsin in their season opener at AT&T, and then MSU in the Cotton Bowl, now has more wins (2) than the Cowboys do this season (1) in Dallas’s home stadium.‪#‎Dallasreallysucks‬

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch has hired a prominent Mexican lawyer, Fernando Benitez, to fight his dispensation, and says authorities are “‘unlawfully separating him from his dog.” And even ambulance-chasing lawyers in the U.S. are thinking “Benitez, have you no shame?”


On Saturday a group of armed self-described millitiamen took over a federal building in Oregon wildlife refuge after an anti-government rally. So much for that “well-regulated” part.

And if you haven’t heard anything on the story on the news… well, the men are white.  And none of them are Muslim.  #justsaying

Missing Jon already

August 7, 2015

Perhaps the highest tribute I can pay to Jon Stewart is that it is now hard to imagine the news without Jon Stewart.

We opine about who might be the next Jon Stewart. But before Jon Stewart we didn’t know there was that position to be filled.

Tuesday – SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke “Aldon’s like any young player, he’s growing up, he’s maturing. You see that with a lot of these guys…” Friday – Aldon Smith has been arrested for a third DUI in four years, along with alleged hit and run and vandalism. So how about those Raiders?

The SF 49ers have now released their All-Pro pash rusher Aldon Smith. Too soon to start a pool on what defensively-challenged team will decide this young man deserves a fifth or sixth chance?

The San Francisco 49ers have canceled plans to allow 20,000 fans to watch the team practice at Levi’s Stadium Sunday, due to poor turf conditions and thus the field not being ready. And 40 miles north, it might be the wind, or you might hear the ghost of Candlestick Park laughing.

The turf at Levi’s Stadium is looking like a serious long-term problem. Fortunately the 49ers seem certain to give the field a long break from usage in the playoff weeks leading up to the 2016 Super Bowl.

Vanderbilt University has pulled a tweet with the football slogan “We Don’t Need Your Permission.” And they’re supposed to be the smart ones in the SEC?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to name their new son “Easton.” I see a new marketing opportunity with Southwest Airlines. ‪#‎wannagetaway‬

So last night’s GOP debate was the most watched primary debate ever. Now it’s making sense; more people tuned in to see Trump than were probably watching his “Apprentice” TV shows.

Who won the first ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ debate? Answer seems pretty obvious – advertisers on FOX News. ‪#‎ratings‬

John Kasich said last night that while he believes in “traditional marriage” he accepts the Supreme Court decision, and actually recently went to the wedding of a gay friend. Is Kasich trying hard to prove he is too reasonable to get the GOP nomination?

For anyone who didn’t know Carly Fiorina before yesterday and was impressed by her debate performance, three words: Google “demon sheep”

#‎UniversityofMinnesota‬ AD resigned after being accused by co-workers of groping and sexting them. Cue “Golden Groper” jokes. ‪#‎goldengophers‬

A belated suggestion for Chris Christie when Rand Paul slammed him for giving Obama a “big hug.” So why didn’t  the NJ Governor turn around and answer “Senator, when the President of the United States shows up in your state after a major natural disaster, bringing money and the Federal government’s resources to help, the question should be, why DON’T you hug him or her. Because that is no time for partisan politics.”

The US Coast Guard caught a semi-submersible vessel and seized six tons of cocaine off the coast of Mexico. Although they admittedly lost two more tons of the coke while trying to tow the sub ashore. Sounds like it’s going to be a high tide.

Donald Trump’s campaign now says they believe Fox News is part of ‘an organized attack’ designed to stop his ‘movement.’ Oh, this awful GOP on GOP violence. (No, I can’t quite say that with a straight face. )

In Michigan.  State Rep. Todd Courser was allegedly having an affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat. Both are “family values” Republicans married to other people. So just your average political hypocrisy.

But now Mr .Courser is alleged to used taxpayer money to have come up with a fake email alleging he had sex with a male prostitute. The idea being to create a “complete smear campaign”, which could be debunked, and would then make the actual affair seem “mild by comparison.” ‪#‎youREALLYcannotmakethisstuffup‬

From my funny friend, Alex Kaseberg,   “A new poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.”

Family values?

May 5, 2015

A picture has gone viral of some idiot family -teenagers and dad -proudly posing in front of Tumalo Falls in Oregon, after they carved their initials into the railing. Where is a good mountain lion when you need one?

A Florida couple was convicted and could face up to 15 years in prison for “lewd and lascivious behavior” because they were having sex on a beach during the middle of the day in front of families including children. Thinking this being Florida they might do less time if they had just shot a witness. ‪#‎humpingtheirground‬

New Dallas DE Greg Hardy has already been suspended for 10 games over domestic violence. Now after a Carolina Panthers fan tweeted a picture of Kelvin Benjamin and new draft pick Devin Funchess, describing the new teammates as “The Twin Towers.” Hardy tweeted back “didn’t the twin towers get blown up lol.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Marilyn Hartman, California’s “serial stowaway”, now has been arrested twice at O’Hare for sneaking into a restricted area without a ticket. Wonder if TSA at least confiscated her bottled water?

Regarding this trendy new “‪#‎HowOldRobot‬ new app. Does it automatically add years to your age if you can’t figure out how do to the app?

The ‪#‎Cubs‬ said they will FINALLY open two bleacher sections next Monday. Meaning beer sales at ‪#‎WrigleyField‬ for 2015 are about to double.

Floyd Mayweather says he is willing to fight Manny Pacquiao again. The bigger question might be who is willing to pay to see it. ‪#‎foolmeonce‬


Sign of the apocalypse? Donald Trump actually said something I agree with.on Fox News. That the shootings at the “Draw Muhammad” contest were “disgusting,” But “she (Pam Geller) is taunting them… it’s risky for her. I don’t know – maybe she likes risk. But what the hell is she doing, and what is the purpose of it?’ ‘They can’t do something else? They have to be in the middle of Texas, doing something on Muhammad and insulting everybody?’

The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner has to be thrilled with last night’s performance. Not his no-hitter into the 7th, and 8 shutout innings despite 4 errors. But Madbum FINALLY broke his 0 for the season with his first hit! Now for that first home run. ‪#‎DHmyass‬

A Florida man was arrested after he tried to cash a check for $368 billion dollars.  Hmm, had he only tried to cash one for $368 million would he have gotten away with it?



Okay, who had as of May 5 that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬‘ leader in RBI’s and HR’s would be ‪#‎BrandonCrawford‬? Now all you liars put your hands down.

Carly Fiorina is now defending her record at HP, saying all her layoffs helped “transform a company from failing to succeeding.” Well, there might be some truth to that, but thinking the firing that most helped the company was her own.


Carson, Fiorina, Huckabee…. who’s next this week? Thinking the fire marshall is soon going to be placing limits on the number on stage for the first GOP Presidential Primary debate?

Oldies but goodies.

April 14, 2015

The San Antonio Spurs are playing so well down the stretch, the NBA may end up classifying Ensure as a PED.

Wow. Just wow. That mother who dangled her 2 year-old over a cheetah enclosure, and then accidentally dropped him has been placed on leave from her job. Which is, or rather was – assistant director of a Columbus, Ohio “Kindercare” childcare center. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎NottheOnion‬


Will someone please tell the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ that the sign on the ATT Park grass is not spelled Opening Weak. ‪#‎OpeningWeek‬


The #‎SFGiants‬ are scoring like folks at an ‪#‎AARP‬ convention with a Viagra shortage.

The Chicago Cubs are offering a new “Mac and Cheetos” hot dog For all those fans who have decided maybe it’s not worth living to wait until next year.

Considering all the injuries this year so far ‪#‎SFGiants‬ home opener could have been worse. ‪#‎Madbum‬ could have fallen off the horse.

Billy Joel, 65, and his 33 year old girlfriend are apparently expecting a baby daughter. Stand by for a change from “Uptown Girl” to “Up-all-night Girl.” “And when she wakes up And makes up her mind…..”

Some educators in Atlanta are going to prison over illegally inflating test scores for students from struggling schools.  Idiots. If only they had just done it for athletes….

Bus to hell time. Can they transfer Lawrence Phillips to the same prison as Jerry Sandusky?

Carly Fiorina said in an interview on “Morning Joe” that Hillary Clinton, while an “inspiration to women”, doesn’t have a record of “accomplishments.” I guess Carly figures she knows accomplishment. How many women have gotten their companies to pay them $20 million to leave?


The top Republican and Democrat on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee said they have reached a bipartisan agreement on legislation that would allow Congress to review a final nuclear deal with Iran. What? Must be a joke. This sounds too rational


The San Antonio Express-News reports that Joan Cheever, a chef who has been feeding the city’s homeless for the past decade, was cited last night by police with a $2,000 ticket for serving food without a permit. She plans to argue in court that under the 1999 Texas Religious Freedom Restoration Act, she has a right to serve food to the homeless because she considers it a free exercise of her religion.

Okay, where are the defenders of Indiana and Religious Freedom on this one??!!

If President Obama wants to do something with that “sponsor of terrorism” label he took off Cuba a lot of women would have no problem if he put it on Saudi Arabia.


Jeremy Lin on the Lakers “I do think we’re headed in the right direction.” Well, if the goal is a lottery pick, yes indeed


The makers of “Kind” bars have been warned by the FDA because “the products do not meet the requirements” to say the bars are a “good source of fiber” with “low sodium” and “no trans fat.” Well, as if anyone expected to find wood chips in “cottage” cheese.

Here we go again. John Boehner today said Obama should re-engage U.S. combat troops in Iraq to fight ISIS. Is the Speaker volunteering to go over and lead them?

Hint to drivers: When a sign under a stop sign says “Cross traffic does not stop” it refers to the street your street is crossing.  All cars. Not a comment on cross i.e. angry drivers     ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬   #nearmiss #didnthavetimetobeawitnesss


From Marc Ragovin:   “Upon kicking off his presidential run, Marco Rubio said “Yesterday is over, and we are never going back.” He then unveiled a five minute commercial featuring him and a superimposed Ronald Reagan.”

Room for one more?

March 29, 2015

Carly Fiorina said today there’s a ‘higher than 90 percent’ chance she’ll run for the GOP presidential nomination. And why not? Why should there be a “no girls allowed” sign on the clown car?




Carly Fiorina attacked Hillary Clinton Sunday saying that Clinton “doesn’t know what leadership means,” and that her “character is flawed.” And who better to opine on those two subjects than a woman whose leadership and character prompted HP’s board to pay her $20 million just to go away.

Indiana Governor Pence said it was “not a mistake” to sign the “religious freedom” law. Have to think some other governors agree with him – particularly those who compete with Indiana for convention business.

Passengers had to be rescued after the Coney Island Cyclone got stuck on its first ride of the year. And many New Yorkers are thinking that this spring rather than riding actual roller coasters they’ll just stick to watching the Mets

Apparently some people are taking selfies in front of the New York East Village building that blew up last week, resulting in 25 injuries and probably two deaths. Which is shocking on two levels, perhaps less that folks are that insensitive, but more that they are stupid enough to post them publicly.

Not only is there no Cinderella this year, Mike Krzyzewski, Tom Izzo, John Calipari and Bo Ryan probably can recite the answers, and the questions, from Final Four reporters by heart.

These days Duke too has embraced the “one and done” philosophy. Which for many basketball fans just means they can now just hate individual Blue Devils for a shorter time.

British Airways says some of their frequent-flyer accounts have been hacked. and some Executive Club members may not be able to use their miles until the airline resolves the issue. And perhaps until British Airways and others figure out how to add a “mileage security” fee.

Alabama coach Nick Saban last year signed Jonathan Taylor, a 6’4″, 335 pound defensive lineman, who was dismissed from Georgia’s football team after an arrest for felony domestic violence. Saban said at the time “he was the kind of guy that deserved a second chance.” Now Taylor has been arrested again for domestic violence. I guess “the kind of guy that deserved a second chance” translates to “he’s a 6’4″ 335 lb defensive lineman.”

One week until MLB opening night in Chicago. Where the temperature today was a high of 46 degrees and the low tonight is projected at 37. Heck, if baseball wanted it to be that cold for the first game maybe they could have asked the demolition crews at Candlestick Park to hold off a little longer.

Why does ‪#‎religiousfreedom‬ so often mean “freedom for everyone to follow MY religion?

Batmen? In San Francisco?

September 17, 2010

Do not adjust your sets. Yes, that Giants 10 – Dodgers 2 score tonight didn’t mean the broadcasters accidentally put a “0” after SF’s “1” in the line score.

The Giants actually scored more runs tonight that they scored in the last five games. And yes, earlier Thursday before the game, I wrote this and posted it on Facebook.

“Former SF Giant Kevin Mitchell has been charged with assault for punching a man during an argument at a Southern California golf course. Shame it wasn’t one of the 2010 Giants who got into that altercation, most of them would have just swung and missed”

Maybe I should insult the Giants hitting more often.

For anyone who wonders how to pronounce my name, it’s the same as Aubrey Huff. (Wonder if I can claim him as a distant relative?) Go Giants!

Meanwhile, across the Bay, Oakland didn’t sell out their Sunday home opener against the St. Louis Rams so it will be blacked out in the Bay Area. Which means we will find out the answer to a variation on an old question. “If the Raiders fall in a stadium and nobody sees them, do they still suck?”

A joint joke with Marc Ragovin – Regarding all those crimes in New York committed by people wearing Yankees caps: Of course this doesn’t count the crooks guilty of serious grand larceny, who work in the Yankees ticket department.

Meg Whitman announced today that she has now given a total of $119 million to her election campaign. Whitman also said she would announce her position on Prop 23 (which would repeal climate change legislation) “in the next 10 days.”

Since Meg’s been running for over a year, you’d think by now she might have used some of that money to figure out which side she was on?

And Carly Fiorina said in response to allegations that HP used bribes in Russia to increase market share when she was CEO, that “HP was a company with 156,000 people,” she said. ‘”No single person can know everything that goes on.”

Uh, anyone want to tell Carly that she is running for a position where she will represent over 36 million people?

According to Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina’s campaigns, Nancy Reagan, 89, has endorsed both of them. Guess the former first lady has decided she really wants to support young women getting into politics.

From Jim Barach, maybe more true than funny: The new “Sky Rider” seat will be unveiled soon which will allow airlines to put even more passengers on each plane. The seats will have only 23 inches of legroom.

The seats are designed in line with the needs of anorexic dwarfs who love to travel.

(Stay tuned, how long until a “premium” seat fee becomes a “actual seat” fee.

Not exactly the “HP way to go!”

August 7, 2010

Carly Fiorina, the fired former CEO of HP, is now running for Senate in California because she wants to be the Republican version of Barbara Boxer. Does the latest news out of HP mean that Mark Hurd wants to be the Republican version of John Edwards.?

GOProud, which claims to be the “only national organization supporting gay conservatives, has announced their first annual party “Homocon.” And the event will be headlined by…. Ann Coulter?! Considering all the anti-gay statements Coulter has made, the party will likely be as well attended as a Lebron James pep rally in Cleveland.

Apparently Mark Hurd, the now former CEO of HP, was “caught” and forced to resign because he falsified expense reports to pay off a female contractor with whom he allegedly had a relationship. Excuse me, the guy made over $24 million in 2009 – he couldn’t have used cash?

Tacky time. I’ll say one thing for Carly Fiorina, when she screwed HP employees, she kept her clothes on.

Speaking of tacky,

Famous White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi complained that being interviewed on “The View” was “horrific” and that they wanted to torture her. Not true. The only people “The View” tortures are their viewers.

USC cornerback T.J. Bryant had to have surgery on his left cheekbone Thursday after an altercation during a drill with a teammate. Guess maybe he should have chosen to play for the Fighting Irish.

The University of West Virginia football program is being investigated for “major violations,” many of which occurred under former coach Rich Rodriguez before he jumped to the University of Michigan. (where he is also now under investigation.)

Isn’t this like being responsible for your ex-wife’s debts? With the only silver lining being that she is dragging her new boyfriend into bankruptcy too.

The gift that keeps on giving…. While the San Francisco Giants are leading the NL wild card and are only a game out of first place in the NL West, it doesn’t mean it’s a painless season.

Like reading about the Minnesota Twins’ new ace, Francisco Liriano, who until he got roughed up tonight had been 4-0 since the All-Star break, with a 0.63 ERA while holding hitters to a .168 average.

Why does this hurt? For Giants fans who have repressed the memory, Liriano was a throw-in in the Joe Nathan deal, the one that brought the Giants A.J. Pierzynski.

From Alex Kaseberg: Newspaper circulations are at an all-time low. To show how low newspaper circulation is, in London they are eating fish and chips off of an Apple lap top.

And on an actual serious note – congratulations to former Stanford closer Drew Storen, who got his first major league save tonight. Against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Not a bad way to stay popular in the San Francisco area! .

And the hype goes on…

July 8, 2010

Spain-Germany. 90 minutes with one goal scored. And millions of Americans who complained that wasn’t enough action to justify watching the match will nonetheless turn into tomorrow’s 60 minute Lebron decision show.

Lebron James denies that all of the hype about his free-agency choice is all about his ego and need for attention. In fact, after his 60 minute show which airs today on ESPN, he plans to do a followup show explaining how he came to the decision.

The funny thing, Americans are paying more attention to all this free agent hype than they do to the NBA regular season. And to be fair, as far as next year’s playoffs, all this free agent hype might be more relevant than the regular season.

from reader T.C. in Canada – If LeBron wants to play on a half decent team that never loses, he’ll sign with the Globetrotters.

Although for all those who think that America must lead the world in caring about meaningless celebrity hype…. I give you the three most viewed stories today from England’s “Guardian” newspaper. Numbers one and two, the two World Cup semifinals. Story number three – Lindsay Lohan going to jail.

(and George Michael, who crashed his car again, has to be thinking, what am I, chopped liver?)

Meanwhile, on the other side of the NBA tracks. Ekpe Udoh, the Golden State Warriors’ No. 1 draft pick, is already going to miss the NBA Summer League after injuring his wrist in practice. Well, on the bright side, Warriors fans don’t have to hold their breath anymore wondering what was going to go wrong THIS time.

So far, the Bulls have signed Carlos Boozer, the Thunder have re-signed Kevin Durant, and the Heat have signed Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. Meanwhile the Clippers have signed a new hot-dog vendor.

So Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal just signed a bill that allows people to bring guns into church. Well, one phrase that may not be heard anymore in the state – “If this sermon goes on much longer, just shoot me.”

So Meg Whitman is now running ads in Spanish saying she is opposed to Prop 187 and the new Arizona immigration law. I’m confused. Is she running against Jerry Brown, or the candidate she was in the Republican primary?

Joe Biden is coming to California to fundraise for Barbara Boxer. And over at Carly Fiorina’s headquarters, staffers are working overtime to make sure they keep their candidate away from a microphone when she sees HIS hair.

New math?

June 12, 2010

The Big 10 has 12 teams. The Big 12 has 10. And for now the Pac 10 has 11. And we wonder why college athletes have trouble with math?

Colorado to the Pac 10, Nebraska to the Big 10. For starters. And the NCAA is sanctioning USC because their student-athletes somehow got the idea that college football is about money.

Reader Gary Morton sent in this great idea, though he doesn’t know who wrote it, ” the NCAA should ban USC’s band from playing ‘Conquest’ all 4 years they’re on probation. (“Conquest”, for the unitiated is the USC fight song…)

Saturday is the World Cup match between England and the U.S. A match eagerly awaited by the British for months, and for American sports fans, since, well, “Baseball’s not on until mid-afternoon, Tiger’s not playing golf, and the Lakers-Celtics are Sunday night. So what’s on?”

California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina now says about her famous “So yesterday” comment about Barbara Boxer that SHE personally wasn’t dissing her opponent’s hair, but was just “quoting a friend.” Hey Carly, if you’re going to be catty, woman up about it.

And speaking of catty, what would I give to know what Carly thinks about Meg Whitman’s hairstyle?

At least we won’t have to worry about a hair debate in the gubernatorial race. Jerry Brown won’t notice that Meg Whitman’s style hasn’t changed since he was governor and she was in high school. Ands she won’t diss his hair because he doesn’t have any.

The 16 year old girl trying to sail around the world solo has apparently been located and is safe after a distress call was triggered by 20 hours of complete silence. And parents of teenagers around the world are thinking “How could they tell anything was wrong? 20 hours of complete silence sounds normal to us.

Meanwhile U.S. ratings for the last game of the Stanley Cup finals between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Philadelphia Flyers were the highest since 1974. Or 1974 Americans watched the game. Or both.

Mike Huckabee, a once and probably future Republican presidential candidate, took on fellow Republican and Indiana governor saying we should call a “truce” on social issues. Huckabee stated that the “issues of life and traditional marriage,” are not “bargaining chips nor are they political issues;” they are the “the basic premises of our civilization.”

If “traditional marriage” is a basic premise of civilization, then it might be time to put Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign, and yes, John Edwards, on the terrorist watch list.

Blackhawks not down

June 10, 2010

Okay for one day hockey gets top billing…

The Stanley Cup championship finally wrapped up Wednesday night. But for hockey fans going through withdrawal, it’s less than three months from the opening of the 2010-11 preseason.

Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks, winners of the Stanley Cup. To all those who don’t follow hockey, the term “Original Six,” does not refer to their number of fans.

The last time the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup was 49 years ago, and in fact they had the record for the longest drought. Said a Toronto Maple Leafs spokesman “We’ll be able to top that.”

Apparently after an NCAA investigation, USC’s football team will not only lose scholarships, but also be punished by the NCAA by being banned from bowl games for the next two years. Which will at least give their players more time not to go to class.

Some schools would worry that with bowl probation, a number of their stars might jump to the NFL early. Not at USC. Most players don’t want to take the pay cut.

Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was considered a Heisman candidate. But he was suspended for the 2010 season for his involvement in a campus burglary. And today the team dismissed him permanently after Masoli was cited for marijuana possession and driving infractions. Even JaMarcus Russell says “What an idiot.”

The 2010 MLB draft is complete. So congratulations to the players selected. And good luck to all these young men as they work their way through the minors, where someday if they work hard and succeed, they can hope someday to sign free-agent contracts with the Yankees.

And back in California:

Voters in Santa Clara, a town about 50 miles south of San Francisco, approved a new stadium plan that could allow the 49ers to move there. SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, once a gubernatorial candidate, now the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor, said that the team was “turning their backs on San Francisco.” And he added, “Hey, that’s MY job.”

So it’s day one of the general election, and already Carly Fiorina was caught when she didn’t realize the mike was on, making a catty comment about Barbara Boxer’s hair being “so yesterday.” Yo, Carly, if good hair was a qualification for public office, we’d have elected President John Edwards.

(And since one catty comment deserves another, it’s a really good thing on several levels that Carly isn’t running against Dianne Feinstein.)

Meg Whitman wants us to believe she would be a responsible spender in Sacramento? Included in the $100 million or so she spent to win the primary were radio ads she purchased touting her conservative credentials on San Francisco’s KFOG.

(for anyone not familar with KFOG, suffice it to say that most of the stations listeners probably think Jerry Brown is too conservative. Although they do like the fact that he once dated Linda Ronstadt.)

Odd side note to the gubernatorial primary – Meg Whitman spent $80 per vote in the election, and at her victory party in Unversal City, it was a cash bar.

More weaving in and out of a Lane…

January 15, 2010

So while Lane Kiffin’s dad, Monte, is much respected around the NFL, Lane himself has had a series of short term jobs with results that have been mediocre at best. Yet he keeps finding new high profile positions. This is scary, could it be a long range plan to have Kiffin end up as U.S. President?

Since he bolted for USC after one scandal-plagued, expensive, mediocre year, Tennessee fans and students are referring to Lane Kiffin as a “whore.” Not true, whores generally provide value for money.

UCLA offensive coordinator Norm Chow has said he is happy with the Bruins and will not join Lane Kiffin’s staff at USC. Translation, he might as well wait a year until the top Trojan job becomes available when Kiffin leaves to go somewhere else.

Kiffin himself said of his leaving Tennessee to take the job with USC – “I really believe this is the only place I would have left to go.” If he keeps up with the results he has had in the last three jobs, there may not be ANY place he has left to go.

Ben Burnett suggests that with his record, the logical place for Kiffin to end up is…Oakland, in a few years Al Davis will have forgotten who he is anyway.

Gilbert Arenas has been charged with a felony for carrying an unlicensed gun. Prosecutors decided on this charge because there is no law for felony stupidity.

The New York Mets are reportedly angry at Carlos Beltran for having knee surgery this week without getting a second opinion from their team doctors. The Mets wanted Beltran to consider waiting until the season was over, as in September.

Carly Fiorina called Barbara Boxer a “failed senator.” Well, if anyone knows about failure it’s the woman who was fired both from Hewlett Packard AND John McCain’s presidential campaign.

commie pinko time.

Open question to all Republicans who want Harry Reid to resign over his comments on Obama’s skin color and dialect – Who’s going to be the first to decry Rush Limbaugh’s comments that President Obama will use the crisis in Haiti to “boost his credibility with the black community?”

Baseball…beyond the World Series.

November 6, 2009

With the Yankees winning in six games, the World Series was finally completed November 5. The good news for Cubs’ fans. It’s less time to wait until “next year.”

Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was apparently caught smoking marijuana. This is the most shocking news since Adam Lambert announced he was gay.

Does the arrest make Lincecum the acknowledged master of the high strike?

Joe Giraldi wore number 27 as Yankees manager because he made it a goal to win the team’s 27th championship. This doesn’t always work out so easily. But it explains why Leo Durocher managing the Cubs always wore number 2.

Yankees fans will tell you that the team won not because of money, but because of good management, team chemistry, hard work….. Yes, and the 65 year old men sitting in the box seats with 25 year old women will tell you the gals are with them because of their sparkling personalities.

The Yankees’ victory parade will be November 13. Moving Bud Selig just a little closer to his goal of combining it with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

They expect record crowds to line the streets, mostly because most New Yorkers no longer have jobs to go to as an alternative.

At least the parade will be free, which means it will also be the first chance most New Yorkers will have this year to see the team in person.

Sometimes no punchline will do a story justice. The following is an AP story reported at link included to show I am not making it up.

An Ohio man dressed as a Breathalyzer test for Halloween found himself blowing into one after police stopped him for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said they stopped 20-year-old James P. Miller on Halloween night and found beer in his front seat and in the trunk.

Police said Miller blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test. He was cited on charges including operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage possession of alcohol, having an open container and a fake ID, and a one-way street violation.

As she kicked off her Senate campaign, Carly Fiorina criticized Washington by saying ‘What is it they are doing with all our money?” Funny, that’s the same thing shareholders said when she was in charge of HP.