Posted tagged ‘Enquirer jokes’

And then there were two.

May 3, 2016

Ted Cruz has announcing he is dropping out of the GOP race. Wow. ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ tanked that campaign even faster than she tanked ‪#‎HP‬

 

Maybe ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ did bring something to the ‪#‎TedCruz‬ campaign after all – lots of leftover staff layoff notices?

 

So who’d a thunk the ‪#‎GOP‬ Primary might be down to one candidate before the Democrats?

So wonder how much we Democrats can fundraise to convince ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ to volunteer for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬‘s campaign?

#‎Trump‬ called ‪#‎TedCruz‬ tonight “a great guy with one hellava future.” Doesn’t he mean a future in hell? ‪#‎Lucifer‬

 

Headline “Ted Cruz Suspends Campaign After Primary Loss in Indiana.” Wait, don’t suspensions generally follow enhanced performances?

Donald Trump is now close to clinching the GOP nomination, so talk may soon turn to his potential running mate. The Donald has mentioned picking a woman. Well, considering his popularity within the party and the voters apparent love for a reality TV star with no political experience, maybe Trump is considering a Kardashian?

Okay, who besides me regularly sees things that reportedly come out of ‪#‎Trump‬‘s mouth & has to double check that it’s not ‪#‎theOnion‬?

Regarding the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Eric Trump told news outlets that Obama’s jokes about his dad were “all in good fun,” but “we are going to be there next year.”
Hmm, so they’re going to accept Hillary’s invitation?

Earlier today,  Donald Trump, apparently not content with his lead over Cruz in the polls, is now onto the National Enquirer story about Cruz’s dad “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. That was reported, and nobody talks about it… What was he doing? What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death, before the shooting? It’s horrible”
And millions of Americans thought this race couldn’t get any crazier. ‪#‎weveonlyjustbegun‬

 

It was just announced that the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Neil Young, Roger Waters and the Who will all perform in a 3 day-concert festival in Indio, California this October.
Maybe with all these rock and roll deaths they figured they’d better get together before it’s too late? ‪#‎concertfortheages‬ ‪#‎concertfortheaged‬

 

This mega concert with the Stones, McCartney, Dylan, etc this October should be notable in many respects. For one thing, it may be the first festival to forego portapotties in favor of Depends.

You know Justin Verlander’s pitching has been going downhill when the CNN headline is “Model Kate Upton gets engaged.”

A record 16 ‪#‎TonyAwards‬ nominations for ‪#‎Hamilton‬?!. Gosh, hope this doesn’t make tickets too hard to get.

 

The SF Chronicle reports that Northern California’s Bitmicro Networks Inc. which manufactures flash storage systems, has agreed to pay about $161,268 in back wages to engineers from the Philippines. The company brought them here, housed them in a hotel, and illegally paid them about $2 an hour. Bitmicro claimed that the wage issue was an oversight.
Right, it was an oversight that someone didn’t do a better job of hiding the foreign workers’ pay rate.

The Second Circuit Court of Appeals has granted Tom Brady and the NFLPA a 14-day extension on Tuesday to file for a rehearing on “Deflategate.” Right, because this whole saga hasn’t gone on for nearly long enough.

The NBA’s last two-minute review admits five missed calls at end of last night’s Spurs-Thunder playoff game. Only five?

 

Say cheese.

March 25, 2016

This year the Arizona Diamondbacks will debut a Cheeseburger Dog:. It’s a hot dog made of ground up grilled hamburgers mixed with cheese, green onions and chopped bacon, breaded, deep-fried and then served on a bun with more bacon and “secret sauce.” The sauce ingredients presumably include beta-blockers.

 

Stanford has hired UAB’s Jerod Haase as their new men’s basketball coach. The school did warn Haase that his players will have distractions now, like class?

In New Jersey, police said a couple having sex in an SUV were found dead this morning of carbon monoxide poisoning. Now that I suppose is the ultimate Darwin award – taking yourself out of the gene pool WHILE reproducing.

The National Enquirer is alleging that Ted Cruz had several extra-marital affairs. Shocking. There might be more than one woman who actually wanted to sleep with him?

 

Ted Cruz is claiming that the National Enquirer story about his alleged affairs is “complete and utter lies,” and “this garbage does not belong in politics.” Right, you should stick to lying about your opponents dropping out of the race.

On the brighter side for Ted Cruz maybe he can spin this Enquirer story as being the only candidate young enough running for President who people might believe still has sex?

 

As the ‪#‎CruzSexScandal‬ unfolds, waiting for ‪#‎Trump‬ to declare pridefully “I marry MY mistresses.”

Well, and who would believe the ‪#‎NationalEnquirer‬? ‪#‎CruzSexScandal‬ ‪#‎JohnEdwards‬

So let’s open up the pool. If it’s Trump or Cruz – list your prediction for the first big-name Republican to come out and say “F*ck it, I’m voting for Hillary and we’ll regroup for 2020 to make her a one-term President.”

Whatever the FBI discovers, time may be on Hillary Clinton’s side with this supposed email scandal. As it may not be long until most people won’t even remember what a Blackberry was.

 

Several thousand people have apparently signed a petition to allow the carrying of firearms in and around  Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena, which will host the 2016 Republican National Convention in July.

Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country?   As a Democrat I have no problem with their petition. #cullingtheherd

At SMU, a former sorority member has filed a lawsuit saying the Kappa Kappa Gamma’s required her and others to dance semi-naked in front of incoming freshman, and then had the “house mom” secretly record a tape the chapter then used for blackmail.
So, yes, not all the evils of the world can be put down to testosterone poisoning.

 

From Gary Bachman:  “The National Enquirer claims Ted Cruz had extramarital affairs with five women. ‘Amateur’ said Bill Clinton.”