Posted tagged ‘New Jersey jokes’

Say cheese.

March 25, 2016

This year the Arizona Diamondbacks will debut a Cheeseburger Dog:. It’s a hot dog made of ground up grilled hamburgers mixed with cheese, green onions and chopped bacon, breaded, deep-fried and then served on a bun with more bacon and “secret sauce.” The sauce ingredients presumably include beta-blockers.

 

Stanford has hired UAB’s Jerod Haase as their new men’s basketball coach. The school did warn Haase that his players will have distractions now, like class?

In New Jersey, police said a couple having sex in an SUV were found dead this morning of carbon monoxide poisoning. Now that I suppose is the ultimate Darwin award – taking yourself out of the gene pool WHILE reproducing.

The National Enquirer is alleging that Ted Cruz had several extra-marital affairs. Shocking. There might be more than one woman who actually wanted to sleep with him?

 

Ted Cruz is claiming that the National Enquirer story about his alleged affairs is “complete and utter lies,” and “this garbage does not belong in politics.” Right, you should stick to lying about your opponents dropping out of the race.

On the brighter side for Ted Cruz maybe he can spin this Enquirer story as being the only candidate young enough running for President who people might believe still has sex?

 

As the ‪#‎CruzSexScandal‬ unfolds, waiting for ‪#‎Trump‬ to declare pridefully “I marry MY mistresses.”

Well, and who would believe the ‪#‎NationalEnquirer‬? ‪#‎CruzSexScandal‬ ‪#‎JohnEdwards‬

So let’s open up the pool. If it’s Trump or Cruz – list your prediction for the first big-name Republican to come out and say “F*ck it, I’m voting for Hillary and we’ll regroup for 2020 to make her a one-term President.”

Whatever the FBI discovers, time may be on Hillary Clinton’s side with this supposed email scandal. As it may not be long until most people won’t even remember what a Blackberry was.

 

Several thousand people have apparently signed a petition to allow the carrying of firearms in and around  Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena, which will host the 2016 Republican National Convention in July.

Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country?   As a Democrat I have no problem with their petition. #cullingtheherd

At SMU, a former sorority member has filed a lawsuit saying the Kappa Kappa Gamma’s required her and others to dance semi-naked in front of incoming freshman, and then had the “house mom” secretly record a tape the chapter then used for blackmail.
So, yes, not all the evils of the world can be put down to testosterone poisoning.

 

From Gary Bachman:  “The National Enquirer claims Ted Cruz had extramarital affairs with five women. ‘Amateur’ said Bill Clinton.”

 

Geography and other challenges.

November 23, 2015

Ben Carson now says of his comment that New Jersey Arabs were celebrating 9-11, that he “was thinking of the Middle East, not New Jersey.”
Well, yeah, anyone could make that mistake. ‪#‎notreadyforprimetime‬

New worldwide travel alert from the U.S State Dept. “U.S. citizens should exercise vigilance when in public places or using transportation. Be aware of immediate surroundings and avoid large crowds or crowed (sic) places.”
What about ravened places? ‪#‎Nevermore‬

To be fair, I suppose it does make sense to issue a warning when we know there are dangerous and crazy people seeking power in a country. So who will be the first to issue an alert for the U.S. based on the GOP debates?

The Nationals have caused a Twitter uproar by tweeting “Happy Birthday” to Jonathan Papelbon. Who right about now might be the only person in Washington, D.C. less popular than Congress.

LSU may fire Les Miles after three consecutive losses have the Tigers 7-3, even though it will mean a multi-million dollar boyout. (Miles currently makes $4.4 million a year.) But it’s okay, I am sure they can make up the money with cutbacks in academics. ‪#‎priorities‬

 

Maybe Trent Baalke and Jed York might be interested in hiring Les Miles as a future 49ers coach. After dealing with SEC alums Miles is used to dealing with unrealistic expectations, and after dealing with LSU players, he’s familiar with semi-pro talent.

Reportedly Robinson Cano wants to be traded because he is unhappy in Seattle after signing a $240 million contract in 2014, “I feel so sorry for him” said NOBODY.

A USF professor says that those odd FB requests from random people all over the world might be potential internet hackers or identity thieves. Bummer, there goes my chance to be invited to a Nigerian royal wedding.

Oops.American Airlines accidentally let a planeload of people arriving from Cancun exit JFK Airport without having their passports checked and going through customs. Providing again that sometimes terrorists are no match for good old-fashioned stupidity.

Washington DE Jason Hatcher thinks calls might be going against his team because of their “Redskins” nickname. Really? But, I can understand why Hatcher’s upset – had a few calls gone the other way Sunday Washington might have only lost by 2-3 touchdowns.

Now that the Packers solidly beat the Minnesota Vikings, maybe Green Bay fans will stop blaming Olivia Munn. Now they can just be mad at Aaron Rodgers for having all that talent, money AND an actress girlfriend.

 

Mike Tiroco after ‪#‎MNF‬ about the Patriots “that’s why they’re World Champions.” Uh, “World Champions”? Unlike the NBA, NHL and MLB, the NFL doesn’t even have a team in Canada.

In the lurch

October 26, 2015

Dirk Nowitzki went as Lurch for a Halloween Party last weekend. Not to be outdone, now Lurch is planning to go as Dirk Nowitzki.

lurch

The NFL today officially filed their appeal of Tom Brady’s successful appeal of his Deflategate suspension. If this keeps up the case should finally be adjudicated just in time for Brady’s first Old Timers’ game.

 –

Forget the SuperBowl‬. How much worse does it get for Ravens‬ before John Harbaugh‬ starts looking to try to compete with brother Jim in college bowls?

Dallas coach Jason Garrett said today that Greg Hardy needs to do better at “channeling” his emotions, but the the DE won’t be disciplined after his altercations with an assistant coach and teammates.
It’s all part of the Cowboys’ strict “12 strikes and you’re out” policy

An Indiana woman is recovering from being shot in the foot after she put her shotgun on the ground without the safety catch while hunting. Her dog stepped on the gun and it went off. The dog’s name is Trigger. Your move, Florida.

(so have to wonder, is Trigger’s middle name “happy?”)

Whole Foods has recalled chicken and pasta salad over possible listeria. Well, 99% of Americans are safe – they can’t afford to shop at Whole Foods.

New Jersey drivers apparently pay the highest tolls in the U.S., 20 cents out of every dollar collected. Mostly presumably to get out of New Jersey.

The WHO has said processed meats like bacon and sausages are grade 1 carcinogens, the same category as asbestos, alcohol, arsenic and tobacco.

Hmm, I see a new GOP way to fix social security’s money woes – have all Americans eat more hot dogs.

So much for all those who think Donald Trump has never faced real adversity – “It’s not been easy for me. I started off in Brooklyn, my father gave me a small loan of $1 million. ”

Mike Tyson is now saying that Trump “should be president of the United States.” Makes sense, the Donald can be the official candidate of those who’ve been hit on the head too many times.

Fox News’ Jeanine Pirro, slamming Hillary Clinton, “I watched as the hearing devolved from a search for the truth to theater, political theater.” Uh, doesn’t political theater describe the whole GOP Benghazi witch hunt in the first place?

Governor Greg Abbott wants to make “sanctuary cities” illegal in Texas. Can someone really make Abbott’s head explode and propose a Texas law that would require checking someone’s immigration status when they try to buy a gun?

T.C. on national tv switching away from the Saints game Sunday.  “Houston fans switched to another game too – golf”

from Marc Ragovin  “Too bad its not a Mets/Blue Jays World Series. I was really looking forward to Cespedes and Batista meeting at mid-field for the ceremonial bat flip.”

It’s not easy being green

July 3, 2015

Who knew, one of the few ways to get bipartisan agreement in this country is to suggest putting peas in guacamole? ‪#‎Justsayno‬

Scary news for New Jersey residents – at least 30 toxic Portuguese man o’ wars have washed ashore on a state beach. Scary news for the man-o-wars – ending up somewhere as toxic as New Jersey.”

So regarding this ex-CNN reporter who shot and killed an intruder when he and his ex-Headline News anchor wife were at a Motel 6 in Albuquerque. Motel 6?! Guess CNN doesn’t have much of a pension plan

 

Tim Duncan announced he is returning to the San Antonio Spurs for a 19th season. What, no drama, no television show, no leaked contract issues, no public hang-wringing….? Can see why the Spurs never capture media attention.

 

Got to feel sorry for England’s Laura Bassett, whose “own goal” put Japan into the women’s World Cup Finals. On the bright side, ABC’s “Wide World of Sports” is off the air, so Bassett won’t forever be the fact of “The agony of defeat.”

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports the Cardinals have fired their scouting director Chris Correa after he admitted to hacking into the Houston Astros’ database. Wonder how much of a “pension” he will get for falling on his sword and claiming no one else was involved.

Milwaukee bullpen catcher Marcus Hanel set a Citizens Bank Park record yesterday by eating 18 cheesesteaks over a 3-game period. The Red Sox hope no one shows this story to Pablo Sandoval.

 

David Sweat now insists from his hospital bed that he didn’t have sex with the female prison worker accused of helping him escape, and that it was her idea to kill her husband. Can they sell the movie rights to this to pay for the costs of Sweat’s future incarceration?

 

SFPD has been arresting people selling illegal fireworks in Chinatown. When they find the buyers, they cite them and confiscate the fireworks. Uh, really want to deal with the problem? Arrest the buyers too. The market is likely to dry up pretty fast if these morons figured they could end up in jail, even for a day, over their purchases.

(I’m against “nanny laws” in general, but in a drought year, fireworks could easily start a fire that ends up killing people.)

Right about now the happiest people in England have to be those who were ridiculed for arguing against the United Kingdom switching to the Euro.

Close to losing but no cigar?

May 9, 2015

The Washingon Wizards‬ won Saturday despite squandering a bigger lead today faster than Hillary Clinton in the 2008 Presidential Primaries. ‪#‎WizHawks‬

The VTA (Valley Transportation Authority) in Santa Clara County, Northern California, claims that they are having to spend $3 million extra on extra trains and buses for events at Levi’s Stadium, especially 49ers games, which have had huge lines going home.

Maybe one bright side of the upcoming season will be less crowding since a lot more SF fans will be probably leaving in the 3rd quarter.

 

 

The Alabama House passed the “Tim Tebow Act” this week, which allows home-schooled children to play sports at public schools.
“We are a group of citizens of the great state of Alabama lobbying for our state public education establishment to allow homeschooled students equal access to sports and extracurricular activities.”

Translation, religion/schmelgion, if it leads to potential championships and Heisman winners, we don’t even care if athletes are raised by Wiccans.

Yasiel Puig, due to come off the DL this week, has apparently reaggravated his hamstring injury. The Dodgers play the Giants starting May 19. Which could set up a quandry for SF fans. Who do we most boo?

As we await Roger Goodell’s decision on Tom Brady, anyone doubt if this had been say, the Raiders, there wouldn’t have been multiple suspensions by now?

Yahoo is suing an ex-employee for allegedly revealing company secrets last year to a writer for his book. This is really shocking. Yahoo has any worthwhile secrets?!

 

A spoof news site, Newslo, ran a story on that Baltimore mom who grabbed her son and pulled him out of the riots, title “Child Protective Services Launch Investigation on Baltimore Mom Who Hit Son,” with the fake quote “although her actions are somewhat understandable, we cannot allow a young man to suffer such violence and abuse, regardless of the cause.”

And some regular media picked the story up as true. The scary thing, these days it wouldn’t be that surprising if it WERE true.

San Francisco has banned chewing tobacco in sports venues starting Jan 1, 2016. John Shea in the SF Chronicle quotes one anonymous Giant as asking “But you can smoke weed?”

The USGS says the Dallas, TX area has has over 40 small earthquakes (magnitude 2.0 or higher) in 2015. How long until Ted Cruz blames this on Obama?

Jeb Bush at Liberty University blasted the Obama administration’s “use of coercive federal power” to limit religious freedom. I’d take him a lot more seriously if Jeb was also okay with defending religious freedom for non-Christians….

Congrats to Bryce Harper, who has hit 6 home runs in 3 days. Although this does bring up the question, why the heck is anyone throwing him strikes?

Paul Pierce wins a game at the buzzer that the Wizards had done their best to squander. Impressive. Given his age and skills Pierce is almost old enough to be offered a free agent contract by the Spurs.

A NJ woman has filed a $5 million class-action lawsuit against United Airlines, saying she was misled when she paid $7.99 for four hours for DirectTV-wifi service that only worked for 10 minutes. But the airline says the service only works over the continental U.S. and she was flying to Puerto Rico. Maybe the one she should be suing is her geography teacher.

Food for thought

April 20, 2015

Apparently in Kansas City some fans are complaining because the hot dogs on “$1 Hot Dog Night” were not exactly top quality. These are probably the same folks who complain about day-old sushi.

Kraft Foods says they are getting rid of artificial preservatives and synthetic colors in their “Original Macaroni and Cheese” starting in January 2016. Have to wonder, without the day-glo orange color, how many kids will stop eating the stuff?

Tim Tebow has formally signed a one-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Let’s hope Tim didn’t take that “City of Brotherly Love” nickname too seriously.

Pelicans coach Monty Williams said that the Warriors crowd noise during game one was “a little out of hand.” Did he think Golden State fans would hear this and be quieter tonight. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

The #1 NFL player as far as merchandise sales last year was Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Wonder how many fans bought stuff to pass on?

(My friend Arne says “there was a run on his jerseys…”)

 

Chris Christie is against legalized marijuana and says “we have an enormous addiction problem in this country.” So is the New Jersey Governor proposing the equivalent of lap-bands for pot smokers?

In Parma, Missouri, five out of a total of six cops resigned after the town elected a black woman mayor. So if Hillary gets elected will they turn in their citizenship?

Former N.J. Gov and CEO of bankrupt MF Global Jon Corzine is apparently considering starting his own hedge fund. Will the firm’s logo be a fox guarding a hen coop?

President Obama and his family took an unscheduled hike in Virginia’s Great Falls Park yesterday. Let’s see, no golf included, no Air Force One or helicopter needed…. maybe critics will go after him for bringing too much attention to the park and thus contributing to future overcrowding? ‪#‎cantwin‬

SF 49ers right guard Alex Boone apparently told HBO’s “Real Sports” about former coach Jim Harbaugh ” “This guy might be clinically insane.” Just wondering, what percentage of NFL coaches does Boone think aren’t?

A recent CNN-ORC shows no clear favorite for the Republican presidential nomination. Though since the primaries are about a year away have to wonder how many Americans could name the options. ‪#‎toomanyridersintheclowncar‬

 

The SF Chronicle reports that Cal wide receivers coach and recruiting coordinator Pierre Ingram was arrested last week during a prostitution sting for allegedly soliciting an officer. Yet another ill-advised and incomplete pass for the Bears?

 

 

Jon Stewart announced that his final episode of “The Daily Show” will be August 6. Wonder how many prospective Presidential candidates have now decided to announce they are running on August 7.

One direction?

February 18, 2015

GM Trent Baalke on Jim Harbaugh: “We’ve moved on…. I feel very good about the direction we’re headed and I’m sure he does as well.” Yeah, actually it wouldn’t surprise me if Harbaugh feels VERY good about the direction in which the 49ers are headed…..

So in Boston, they are offering free Red Sox tickets to residents who help shovel show away from fire hydrants. If New York gets another storm they are thinking of a different strategy, anyone who doesn’t help with the snow will get free Knicks tickets.

 

The beagle that won “Best in Show” at the Westminster Dog Show, and thus became “America’s Dog”, is actually Canadian. Another immigrant taking something away from Americans. I blame Obama.

A New Jersey high school teacher has been indicted by a grand jury for allegedly having for sex with 6 different students. 6 students?! So clearly we do have a serious problem in our schools with overcrowding.

Browns coach Mike Pettine just said of Johnny Manziel’s issues, that “we had the same information everyone else in the league had. It turns out to be a deeper-rooted thing than we thought.” Is Cleveland planning on changing their mascot to an ostrich?

Mississippi just passed the “Jesus Take the Wheel” act, which would exempt drivers of mid-sized church buses (up to 30 passengers) from having a commercial driver’s license. Well, this is one way to get more people praying on the road.

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Salomon for the THIRD time. And this is the type of marriage some conservatives are working so hard to defend?

United Airlines plans to slightly increase capacity this year. And apparently 50% of the growth will come from the installation of “slim line” seats on 450 planes. Will United be installing these additional seats on their aircraft with a shoehorn?

 

Some are criticizing Joe Biden for putting his hands on Ash Carter’s wife’s shoulders. And really, it wasn’t very Presidential of him. Clearly Joe should have also given her a neck massage.

 

In Orlando, a woman was arrested when she walked naked down a residential street and stopped traffic by masturbating in public. Some Americans responded to this story with shock, others with “that’s Florida,” and Bostonians with “You can walk outside without a coat on?”

Scott Walker says that criticizing him for dropping out of college during his senior year is “elitist.” I think I like Sarah Palin’s “higher calling” better.

Little Caesar’s is offering a new deep dish pizza which is not just topped with pepperoni and back, its crust is wrapped in bacon. Does it come with free sides of statins and beta-blockers?

 

From Marc Ragovin. “I would put more stock in A-Rod’s letter of apology to Yankees fans if he hadn’t written it in disappearing ink.

From T.C.  Handwriting experts have analyed A-Rod’s written apology and concluded that he writes like a girl and has a massive ego. So does this mean he had his ex-squeeze Madonna pen his apology for him?

Still sleepless after all these years.

February 16, 2015

SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.

 

Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.

 

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

 

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

 

It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.

#‎Bassomatic‬. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

Who knew ‪#‎MileyCyrus‬ could perform with all her clothes on? ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

 

Why oh why couldn’t ‪#‎SNL40‬ have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ tonight?

Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”

In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)

7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.

High holy day.

April 19, 2014

This year Easter falls on 4 20, the national pot holiday. So hide those chocolate bunnies.

If Sunday is all about resurrection maybe Christians should add a few prayers for the #SFGiants offense?

At some point it’s not the opposing pitcher shutting you down with great stuff: #SFGiants hitting becoming oxymoron.

In New Jersey, a woman is suing the Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate reading “8THEIST.” Where are the small government folks lining up to defend her right to free speech on this one?

Anyone who thinks baseball players aren’t tough, I give you the Reds’ Aroldis, cleared to throw BP exactly a month after he was hit in the face by one of his 100pm fastballs lined back at him in spring training.

The Philadelphia 76ers ended up 19-63, and but they hold two lottery picks. So their owner said yesterday “I think the season has been a huge success for us.” And for any team lucky enough to have the Sixers on the schedule.

 

A whole new phenomenon in baseball, the manager coming out to chat with the umpire, seeing the thumbs down from the bench coach who’s talking to the replay coach, and walking back to the dugout. So while waiting do they talk about restaurants?

The A’s Jed Lowrie angered the Houston Astros Friday night when he tried to bunt against the shift in the first inning with Oakland up 7-0. But hey, it’s the Astros. Is it unfair to bunt against them with any lead at all?

Both Alabama QB’s struggled in their Spring game. Meaning Nick Saban will be looking for more anti-offense college football rule changes in the name of “safety.”

Macy’s CEO just spoke out against raising the minimum wage. What, if the store has to pay more they’ll only be able to have “One Day Sales” every other day?

The Columbus Blue Jackets had their first playoff win ever Saturday night. And two questions from most Americans. 1. Columbus has a pro team? 2. What sport?

CNN headline on MH370, the search is at a “critical juncture.” Presumably because the searchers are running out of ideas, and CNN is running out of adjectives?

Fox News has fired an executive who used her company e-mail account for a charity drive for relatives of MH370’s passengers. Guess she should have known better. Had the woman simply used her business email to attack Obama she would have been fine.

Forever younger.

March 18, 2014

George Clooney apparently has taken his new girlfriend on a safari in Tanzania. So nice that he was able to find a tour company that offered jeeps with booster seats.

The New Jersey teenager who moved out of the house and sued her parents for support, then moved back home, today dropped the lawsuit completely. Assuming she finds someone to put up with her, ought to be lots of fun when this young woman plans her wedding.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have unveiled their latest concession item, a 18-inch corn dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapenos and bacon. In related news Chris Christie just asked his aides to schedule a speech for him in Phoenix.

For all those who have that “sure thing” feel about their brackets, remember when the only question about Tiger Woods passing Jack Nicklaus for wins in PGA majors was “when?”

 

One day of play-in games down. And Albany spared millions of Americans the trouble of figuring out “Where the heck is Mount St. Mary’s?”

President Obama has joined all of ESPN’s pundits in picking #4 seed Michigan State into the Final Four. So either the seeding committee or a whole lot of experts are going to look pretty stupid.

The Indianapolis Colts have announced that owner Jim Irsay has voluntarily checked into a “highly respected” rehab facility. Doesn’t “voluntarily” have an asterisk if you only do it when you get caught?

A lawsuit filed yesterday by four former college athletes accuses the NCAA and its five biggest conferences of being an “illegal cartel.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology. From cartels.

Four University of Georgia football players were arrested for allegedly depositing their stipend checks on smart-phone banking apps, and then  cashing the same checks at a store afterward. Let’s see, stipend checks WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM? #smartphonesstupidpeople

Maybe we should tell #Putin he can have #Crimea if he takes Florida too?

New Knicks President Phil Jackson said at his first new conference that he looks forward to delivering a winner to New York. Well that’s guaranteed. Won’t the Knicks in 2014-15 have home games against the Pacers, Heat and Thunder?

In Houston, a 27 year-old firefighter who had been partying on St Patrick’s Day tried to enter his neighbor’s house by mistake last night. The 64-year old woman, thinking he was an intruder, shot and killed him. If only the poor man had been armed.

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg  Now that Courtney Love has claimed she has found Malaysian flight 370, shouldn’t we put her to work finding Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and the Los Angeles Lakers’ offence?

If you’re reading this Sunday morning?

February 2, 2014

Aren’t you missing the Super Bowl pre-game show?

Although Saturday night in New York City, there are thousands of hotel rooms available for a reasonable price. Maybe the NFL is finding out you CAN lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

Can we just play the game, please? Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh said today he doesn’t believe claims that players smoked marijuana before the Super Bowl. Uh, and what’s he supposed to say, “Nah, we didn’t smoke, my guys prefer brownies.”?

It’s Groundhog Day! Where in Chicago if Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see his shadow Cubs fans know they have six more decades without a World Series.

Cal knocked off #1Arizona 60-58 tonight. Would the Golden Bears like to thank Stanford for wearing the Wildcats out Thursday?

Roger Goodell says he wants to increase the number of NFL teams that make the playoffs from 12 to 14. Because that would have lot$ of benefit$ for the league. Million$ of benefit$ no doubt.

A United Airlines flight from Dulles to Frankfurt had to land in Newark because of an unidentified odor. Are they sure the smell wasn’t New Jersey?

At a pre-Super Bowl NY Jets event, GM John Idzik and coach Rex Ryan said they support QB Geno Smith but also said they won’t tolerate behavior that embarrasses the franchise. Apparently the only acceptable way to embarrass the team is on the field.

There’s now a rumor that Mitt Romney may run for President again in 2016. If true not sure who’ll be happier? Hillary Clinton or comedy writers.

MLB has approved a new padded cap designed to protect pitchers from line drives, but the story is that players won’t wear them because the caps don’t look cool, and give the impression they’d be pitching scared. Thinking actually it would be a bigger sign of courage to send the message to kids “I don’t care how I look, I care about protecting my brain.”

Bill Maher “Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” Waiting for the first Duck Dynasty fan to stand up and defend Maher’s right to free speech.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been getting some of its highest ratings ever now that Leno is leaving. Which might be giving NBC executives some second thoughts about turning the show over to Jimmy Fallon. Because before this Leno was only….#1 in the late night rankings? Oops, never mind.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford was just ticketed for jaywalking and public drunkenness in Vancouver. And reportedly told police officers he’d thought they were ‘cooler’ on the West Coast. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that most Americans couldn’t name a single Canadian politician…..

It’s only weird if it doesn’t work. The Wizards beat the Thunder 96-81 tonight, snapping Oklahoma’s 10 game win streak. John Wall scored 15 of his 17 points in the 2nd half, and said “I didn’t like how I played on the road trip in my white shoes, so I tried the red ones They didn’t work in the first half, so I got rid of them and went back to my old white ones, and they kind of helped me out. I’m kind of superstitious.”

The American Psychatric Association has now officially recognized “Caffeine Use Disorder.” A new study says for “some it produces negative effects, physical dependence, and can be difficult to give up, which are signs of problematic use.” What was their first clue?

What’$ in a name?

January 28, 2014

A New Jersey couple is auctioning off the rights to name their baby girl, with bids starting at $20,000. Wonder how much of the proceeds they are setting aside for future therapy.

Southwest Airlines announced today they will start flying to Aruba, the Bahamas and Jamaica. Hope they have comprehensive pilot training first… from the air those Caribbean islands all kind of look alike.

 

 

Five pro-marijuana billboards are supposed to be set up around Met Life Stadium for the Super Bowl. And if serious pot-heads are in charge, at least four of the billboards should be up by February 3.

 

 

You can’t make this “stuff” up. One thing missing at Met Life Stadium this Super Bowl, will be the Met Life blimp. Because the weather will be too cold and dangerous for it to fly…..

Ticket prices to the Super Bowl on sites like Stubhub are apparently falling rapidly this week. Let’s see. A chance to stand in long security lines to sit outside in the cold and possible snow for 4-5 hours, for a view that won’t be as good as on a big-screen TV at home. This after you’ve figured out New Jersey Transit or the bus system because there are no parking passes and taxis aren’t allowed within a mile of the stadium…. Can’t imagine why.

Stephen Glass, who was fired from the New Republic in the 90s for fabricating parts of almost every article he wrote, went to law school and passed the bar. After New York turned him down he came West, where he has been trying to “demonstrate the moral character required to practice law in California.” Today the State Supreme Court turned him down. Some cynics would say he has demonstrated EXACTLY the moral character of many lawyers in California….

(Wonder how many job offers Glass has gotten from the banking industry. Or Wall Street?)

Just for the fun of it can some member of the “lame-stream” media ask Sarah Palin what she thinks of the Arizona Republican Party censuring John McCain for being too liberal?

Meanwhile in Virginia,  former GOP senator John Warner has endorsed Dem. Mark Warner for a second term in the U.S. Senate. So how long will it take the Arizona Republican party to censure him too?

Sochi mayor Anatoly Pakhomov on gay people – “It’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city.” Is he angling for a guest spot on Duck Dynasty?

GOP Rep. Trey Radel of Florida, who pleaded guilty to cocaine possession in November, will resign from Congress today. The most disappointed people? Democrats who were lining up to run against him.

Seemed like the players were a bit more into the Pro Bowl this year. But want to get them to be REALLY competitive? Losing team players have to keep wearing those uniforms at least through next year’s pre-season games.

Guess I’m an old fogie now because I remember when people used to debate Grammy acts based on what they actually sounded like, instead of what they wore and how outrageous their visuals were….

Royal Caribbean is cancelling a cruise over hundreds getting the norovirus. But maybe they have it all wrong. Maybe the line should market the ship as “The only cruise where you’re guaranteed to actually LOSE weight.”

 

In the German town of Rasdorf, a farm shed caught fire and exploded, reportedly due to methane gas from 90 flatulent cows. The cows all survived, although one was treated for burns. Maybe it was a bad idea to give old lady Leary that lantern.

 

 

Vive la France?

January 15, 2014

French President Francois Hollande, facing allegations that he is cheating on his longterm partner, acknowledged “ordeals” in his personal life, and said he would “clarify who the first lady is before he takes a presidential trip to the United States on Feb. 11.” And Bill Clinton is thinking “You could do that?”

Jacqueline Bisset: “I can’t remember what I said” in her Golden Globes speech. “I am shocked”, said nobody who watched the speech

More from Florida. A court recently ruled that colleges and universities had to allow student to keep guns in their cars on campus, now the gun rights group that won that case is trying to force the University of Florida to allow firearms in dorm rooms and student apartments. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

The man who allegedly fatally shot another movie-goer over texting is a retired and well-regarded Tampa police officer with a 20 year career who has led gun safety classes. So how do you stop a “good guy with a gun?”

Stay classy Texas, where conservative blogger Bill Whittle at a Ted Cruz rally joked (well, MAYBE he was joking), about opening fire on cars with California license plates… and getting a medal for it. The entire little vignette is at the bottom of this post.

Chris Christie during his State of the State Address “Mistakes were clearly made.” And no doubt what he thinks is the #1 mistake – putting anything in writing in an email.

Wonder how bad #Bridgegate has to get before Snooki says she’s embarrassed to be from New Jersey?

The LA County Sheriff’s Department searched Justin Bieber’s mansion after a complaint that eggs were thrown at a neighbor’s home. They apparently found drugs including cocaine and arrested one of Bieber’s guest. We knew Bieber wanted to be an star as an adult. But looks like the star he wants to be is Lindsay Lohan.

The illegal forward pass that ended the Saints’ season Saturday was apparently a “designed play that went awry.” Sounds like the whole Cowboys season.

The Chicago Cubs say that some of the reaction to their new mascot was “despicable.” Many Cubs fans think that adjective should be reserved for the team’s play on the field.

The owners of the Empire State Building are suing a photographer for $1.1 million because he took pictures of a topless model on the observation deck. I don’t know…. Guessing random photo shoots of topless models might increase visitor counts.

Bud Selig, who says he is retiring, again, at the end of 2014, says he wants to spend his last year as commissioner on a Mariano Rivera-type tour of all 30 major-league baseball stadiums. Except presume when Bud is in house the parks will ban fruit and plastic bottle sales?

#‎PabloSandoval‬ has lost 42 pounds. That’s half a ‪#‎TimLincecum‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Houston Texans owner Bob McNair has been raving about South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney, a potential #1 NFL draft pick. Well, it might be a good fit, the Texans have a rebuilding program, a new head coach, and a state speed limit that tops out at 85 mph.

The Texas “joke”   “I’ve said this several times in Texas before and I’ve said it to Mr. Cruz as a representative of the Texas government, I’ve said it to Gov. (Rick) Perry directly, and now I’m going to say it to you as individual Texas citizens. You will see a lot of cars coming west heading east on Interstate 10, and they’re going to have California license plates on them. Now, if you see these cars pull into rest areas or hotels or restaurants, that’s fine; wave goodbye, make sure they go out on the Louisiana end. But if you see them pull off into residential areas, you need to open fire on these vehicles immediately. Immediately. Not with 9mm or AR rounds; you need to put mortars on those things, you cannot take any chances. What’s the worst that could happen to you? I mean, honestly, this is Texas, right? You’ll stand in front of a Texas judge, (and) he’ll say, ‘Did you shoot up that car full of Californians?’ You’ll say yes, he’ll say why. You’ll say, ‘Well, your honor, they needed killing.’ And he’ll say, ‘We’ll strike a medal in your honor,’ and off you go.

Two wrongs make a ?????

January 11, 2014

So because some baseball writers think some players made a mockery of the game, they made a mockery of the HOF voting? #growthef*ckup

So will #ChrisChristie‘s 2016 Presidential Campaign song be “Troubled Bridge Over Water?”

Some in the GOP are having a hard time knowing how to deal with this Chris Christie bridge scandal. Sure, it looks bad, but it’s not like the New Jersey Governor did something really awful, like appearing again in public with President Obama.

Indianapolis punter Pat McAfee says the Colts justifiably fined him for his locker room tweet that inadvertently showed Andrew Luck nearly naked. McAfee has apologized repeatedly and says that Luck has been great about it. Makes sense. Andrew is a cool guy, and in any case, his butt looks less embarrassing than his beard.

What’s scarier? That Target now says their data breach may have affected 110 million customers, instead of the original 40 million? Or the other stores with data breaches we don’t know about yet?

The NFL now says New Orleans CB Keenan Lewis violated “concussion protocol” by returning to the Saints sideline, although he did not go back on the field after his concussion in last weekend’s game. No fine imposed. Although no doubt had Lewis put an unauthorized hat on to stay warm it would have been $50k.

Most amazing thing about “Bridgegate” Now when most people think of the most embarrassing story to come out of New Jersey, it won’t even include Snooki.

Sarah Palin says her new show, Amazing America, on the Sportsman Channel, won’t be political, although she says she IS interested in promoting freedom of speech and gun owners’ rights. So I guess Sarah’s definition of non-political is talking about anything she believes in.

Alabama has appointed Lane Kiffin their offensive coordinator. Good news. For the rest of the SEC.

Be careful what you wish for. No doubt some people in New Jersey were thinking just last week that they were hoping that media would quit focusing on their state only for potential Super Bowl weather problems.

French President Francois Hollande, who is not married but has a long-time partner, is threatening legal action over a Closer magazine story saying he is having an affair. Wouldn’t it be a bigger story if a French President DIDN’T have a mistress?

The Unholy Trinity at CVS: Christmas clearance candy next to Valentine’s Day candy. And yes you got it, some actual Easter candy.

To close a bridge or not to close a bridge.

January 9, 2014

Silver lining for those who Chris Christie threw under the bus this morning? Have heard the Governor has also arranged for that bus to be stopped in traffic.

Wonder how long it will take others in GOP to turn on Christie over #Bridgegate. Expect to hear Mitt Romney express sympathy for all those families caught on the #GWB with their dogs on the roof.

Okay, if Governor Chris Christie’s office closed a bridge over a meaningless endorsement from a small town N.J. mayor, got to wonder, what don’t we know about that they did to people who REALLY p*ssed them off?

Okay, over-under on how long it will take someone to offer fired Chris Christie aide Bridget Kelly real money for a tell-all book?

Chris Christie defenders say the NJ Governor is telling the truth and who has time to micro-manage a bunch of potentially over-zealous staffers when you are running a state. Of course the same folks would say of Obama that he was either lying or painfully isolated and/or disconnected from his job.

Chris Christie in his press conference today “I am who I am, but I am not a bully.” Might have been better to say, “Actually, I CAN be a bully and anyone who doesn’t think we need a bully sometimes in Washington hasn’t been paying attention.”

Legalized marijuana is apparently so popular in Colorado that stores can’t keep it in stock. Who says there’s no demand for “Made-in-America” products?

This New Jersey “bridgegate” would never happen in California. Not saying Gov. Jerry Brown couldn’t be vindictive. But if he did something to cause traffic problems in say, Los Angeles, who would notice? #247gridlock

There’s always room for bipartisan humor on the bus to hell.  Passed along by my friend Laura  –  “Best comment on the Christie bridge scandal: “Well he certainly wouldn’t be the first politician in that part of the country in a scandal involving a bridge and a dead woman.”

After being stopped twice for going over MPH, Yasiel Puig says he has now hired a cousin to drive him around. Which is good news. As long as the cousin isn’t the one who taught Puig how to drive in the first place.

LeBron James says he has been mentoring Johnny Manziel for months. Maybe it’s been working – at least when Johnny Football chose to leave Texas A & M he didn’t schedule an ESPN special to announce his decision.

The Washington Nationals Adam LaRoche posted a picture of himself with a dead mountain lion around his shoulders that he had just shot. Guessing this man is pretty sure he never wants another free agent offer from San Francisco.

From Marc Ragovin ” ome politicians have called Dennis Rodman’s embrace of North Korean dictator Kim Jung-on to be treasonous.  Hmmm.  Looks like The Worm has turned.”

Scarlett Johansson on “The Daily Show” talking about her role in “Her” (where she plays a Siri-like phone voice a man falls in love with) said: “There’s a lot of advantages to not having a body, actually.” And millions of women hearing her say that are just thinking “Oh, STFU!'”

Am tired of all the baseball writers who have turned HOF voting into a morality play. But if it’s REALLY about steroids, how do you justify a vote for Tom Glavine, who was the NL player union rep. during much of the steroid era, and fought hard against PED testing. –

Tough baseball question of the night, and answering publicly is optional. Imagine it was up to you. Your team could win a World Series, but it would require that you picked up a player using a new, illegal but undetectable, PED. He would carry the team all season and become the Series MVP. Do you say yes, or take the high road and turn the player down.

Bridgegate to the 21st century?

January 9, 2014

Now that it appears lanes on the George Washington Bridge were closed out of spite for the Fort Lee,mayor not endorsing Chris Christie, the Governor has responded that he was “outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only was I misled by a member of my staff, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge.” Sounds like Christie is already at Presidential level buck-passing.

What’s more amazing about “Bridgegate”   – that N.J. Governor’s Chris Christie’s office was petty enough to cause a traffic jam over a meaningless endorsement? 

Or that they were stupid enough to joke about it in traceable emails.

Fort Lee, NJ, Mayor Sokolich on “Bridgegate”: “How low can you go … congratulations, you’ve just made New Jersey the brunt of every political joke for the next 25 years.” On a brighter note for Chris Christie’s office, they just received a “Thank you” bouquet from Florida.

Maddux, Glavine, Thomas. And baseball writers kick the cream and the clear down the road.

Actually, if the criteria is being absolutely above suspicion as far as steroids – and the Big Hurt did play during that “era”, the only sure modern HOF players should be Tim Wakefield and Jamie Moyer.

Dennis Rodman has apologized for remarks he made in North Korea about captured American missionary Kenneth Bae, saying he was drunk.  So who knew, what Rodman might really want is someday to run for mayor of Toronto.

Roger Goodell says the NFL is open to expanding the playoffs from 12 to 14, possibly as early as 2015. Will be interesting then to see how the Dallas Cowboys will manage to finish 15th.

A new CNN study found that many male college athletes in basketball and football only read at an elementary school level. Which might be embarrassing for these young men if they could read the article.

The Port of Galveston is now charging cruise passengers duty on cigarettes and alcohol purchased during their cruises. It being Texas, no doubt guns can be imported for free.

Macy’s has announced they lay off 2,500 workers. So can we expect a “One Day Layoff Sale”?

(My friend Pamela suggests “Pink Slip Day.)

In Utah, a 58 year old woman, due to give birth next month, is serving as a gestational surrogate for her daughter and son-in-law, since her daughter had not been able to sustain a pregnancy. Good for them, but all these folks who talk about “God’s will” and having children…. in this case, “God’s will” was miscarriages. Modern science is the reason this woman is giving birth to her own grandchild.

Droning on…

June 5, 2013

Domino’s is testing a drone, dubbed the DomiCopter, that could someday deliver two large pizzas within a four mile radius in 10 minutes. Considering the fat and calories in an average large Domino’s pizza, this drone is likely to kill a lot more Americans than those used by the Defense Department.

The GOP is mad at Chris Christie for calling a special election in October and not appointing a Republican senator through 2014. Democrats are mad at the N.J. Governor for not having the election three weeks later when he himself is running for re-election. Thinking if you can annoy both parties you must be doing something right.
Chris Christie has called a special election for October 16 to replace N.J. Senator  Frank Lauterberg. Smart decision. Avoids the political trap of choosing someone to serve 18 months, and at least Mets, Phillies and probably Yankees fans won’t be distracted by playoff games.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is finally final. So where are all the defenders of traditional marriage for procreation and child raising on this one?

Am I happy reading about the tax money spent on expensive IRS conferences, no? But a little amusing to hear the outrage from Congress when they also support allowing tax deductions for “business expenses” like Michelin-starred meals, five-star hotels and Super Bowl tickets…

Adrian Peterson says now that he would be okay with a openly gay teammate. But that “simple things, as far as showers and things like that, you know, of course, anyone would be uncomfortable.” Once again, proof that women are tougher than men.

 

Wednesday’s Blue Jays Giants game is a 100mph pitchers’ duel. Dickey and Zito combined might throw 100mph.

Well, we knew Yasiel Puig could hit AAA pitching. Now let’s see what happens when the Dodgers take on someone other than the Padres.
Meanwhile from Bill Littlejohn:   “A skunk made an appearance in the stands at Dodger Stadium last night.Scouting reports said that he’s a pretty good spray hitter”

(insert Pepe Le Puig joke here.)
“Really?” department: The Pres. of the Coalition for Life of Iowa, a witness at the IRS hearings said her group was provisionally granted 501(c)(3) nonprofit status on the condition that its officers sign a promise that they would not protest nor organize protests or pickets of Planned Parenthood. “That’s not what we’re even about. When we go to Planned Parenthood, we’re there to pray. Granted some of our members do bring signs….”
After a few statements he made at a dinner in December became public, Ohio State president Gordon Gee announced his retirement today. Gee had simply joked about “those damn Catholics” at Notre Dame and mocked SEC academics. Kind of makes you wonder what else he said that might be on someone’s video.
After #GameofThornes #RedWedding presumably there will be less bitching from #DowntonAbbey fans that the show is too cruel to its characters.
From Paul Seaburn   “Former Miss America Erika Harold announced she’ll run for Congress in Illinois in 2014 as a Republican. Her platform is expected to be shoes.”

Better late than never?   

June 3, 2013

So we have long learned that most NBA teams don’t show up for what they perceive as meaningless regular season games. Did the Miami Heat put the first six games of the Eastern Conference Finals in that category?

 

The Los Angeles Angels just got swept by the Houston Astros. Even Dodgers fans are sympathetic.

More than 110 MLB players were granted exemptions to use Adderall in 2012. Out of 750. Percentage of U.S. children estimated to have ADHD? Between 3 and 7% Just sayin’

Someone posted a picture of a so-far-unnamed Taco Bell employee licking a stack of taco shells. Going to be interesting to see what he fills in under that “why did you leave your last job.” section of his next employment application.

Quote from tonight’s “Bachelorette” about her group date: “I’ve never (before) had to juggle 14 men in my entire life.” Guess this makes her the temporary female equivalent of an NBA player.


 

Chris Christie has a tough choice in appointing a Senator to replace Frank Lauterberg, who passed away today. If Christie chooses Cory Booker, he helps a potential future rival, if he chooses a Republican he alienates his mostly Democratic state. The ideal choice, a popular New Jersey resident who won’t run in 2014…. Hey, Snooki is available.

Another thought about that New Jersey seat. Who can #ChrisChristie pick for New Jersey Senate with bipartisan support? What about #BruceSpringsteen? #TheBossforSenate

Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins said today in an interview that he doesn’t want to coach anywhere else. “I believe in Memphis. I love Memphis. I don’t have any intention of going anywhere.” Translation, no one’s offered me enough money to change my mind yet.

Jason #Kidd is retiring from the #NBA. Guess he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren.

I don’t watch “Game of Thrones,” but I do know that it’s based on a 13 year old book. Judging by the outrage I’m reading about tonight’s episode I’m guessing maybe folks were shocked by the movie ending of “The Great Gatsby” too?

Okay, this is sick, but inspired by my friends Chris Eisenberg and Andrew Robinson’s posts, how many parents who remember when their children were young would have loved to see a “Red Wedding” episode on “Barney?”

Dunkin’ Donuts is adding a doughnut breakfast sandwich with fried eggs and bacon to their national menu this Friday. Maybe it’s all part of a “Keep Social Security Solvent” plan. The more Americans eat the sandwich, the less of them will live long enough to collect Social Security.

Newest game played at #Zynga?

“Words on Resumes With Friends”?

No one has come forward to claim the $590 million Powerball prize won two weeks ago in Florida. Which means someone could be still trying to get their future life organized, or maybe the winner is a senior who already forgot that he or she played.

Republican congresswoman Marsha Blackburn says that women don’t want guaranteed equal pay laws. “They want to be able to have the power and the control and the ability to make those decisions for themselves.” Uh, right, what about when the decision is “take it or leave it?”



Class, nothing but class.

May 6, 2013

Chris Christie squished a spider in front of a group of 4th graders, saying “That’s one of the fun parts of being governor. Any bugs on your desk, you’re allowed to kill them and not get in trouble.” Except that the NJ Gov. is taking heat from PETA about it. Wonder how much bipartisan support Christie would get for squishing someone from PETA?

Class, nothing but class. Reality TV star (if that’s not an oxymoron) Farrah Abraham tweeted that she was “not watching” her”Backdoor Teen Mom” sex tape. Wonder how long it will take before Abraham’s now three-year old daughter sees it….

Lead Pastor David Loveless has resigned from the 4,000 member Discovery Church in Orlando, after admitting he had an affair. The Orlando Sentinel says he is the third pastor of a major area church to resign because of extra-marital sex in the last six months. Your move, Arizona.

(And as my friend Todd Harris adds, “Let me guess, they all think same sex marriage threatens the institution.”)

Pfizer will start selling #Viagra online. So where’s the GOP conservative outrage over unmarried men possibly getting the little blue pills?  (And minor girls getting them for their older “friends”?)

NRA V.P. Wayne LaPierre just said “How many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?” And how many Bostonians who just had the misfortune to have been photographed carrying backpacks would have been shot?

Fired Brooklyn Nets P.J. Carlesimo says it would have taken the team winning a championship to keep his job. “Get in line” responded every fired Cubs manager over the last century..

You cannot make this “stuff” up: The Air Force’s chief sexual assault prevention officer was arrested over the weekend in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman.

A-Rod started his rehabilitation stint and says he hopes to be back in pinstripes after the All-Star break. And Yankees fans are thinking, “No worries, take all the years you need.”

Celeste Grieg, who said in March that rapes rarely result in pregnancy, because the woman’s “body is traumatized”, was ousted, 84 to 78, as the leader of the Californian Republican Assembly. Not sure if this is a good sign that even a very conservative group has some limits, or a bad sign that 78 of them still support her.

Helen Mirren, playing Elizabeth II in “The Audience” in London, left the theater in her Queen costume and makeup during intermission to yell at a group of street drummers. The troup was playing so loudly it was distracting theater goers inside.

Maybe we can get Dame Helen to come over and try this Queen act on theater cellphone users?

Singer Lauryn Hill was sentenced today to 3 months in prison and 3 more months in home confinement for failing to pay taxes. Not that she’s getting off so easy for the second half of her sentence, Hill will be confined at home in New Jersey.

DE Armonty Bryant, arrested last October for selling $20 worth of marijuana to an undercover officer. thanked the Cleveland Browns for drafting him last week and said he would not let them down. Last night Bryant was arrested for DUI. Maybe that vow should have been a little more specific.