Posted tagged ‘Halloween jokes’

Happy Day of the Dead.

November 1, 2016

Or as they call it in the U.S.  – “National half-price candy day.”

You think you have a hard week at work, imagine all the teachers who have to deal with kids crashing off a sugar high that started Monday night.


Election has really ruined #Halloween horror movies this year. No way to make fiction scarier than reality.

Interesting to see some people rooting against the Cleveland Indians because of their Chief Wahoo mascot. But many of those people have no problem with the Chicago Cubs despite their star closer being suspended 30 games for domestic violence. #Priorities


Tim Tebow, who is hitting 147 in the Arizona Fall League, apparently slightly injured his right knee trying to steal second base. Shocking many sports fans that he ever got to first base.


New England LB Jamie Collins will have his 4-year rookie contract expire at season’s end, and he was asking for big money. Today the Patriots traded Collins to the Browns. Talk about deflating.


Good news for #Bears fans, their team won on #MNF. Bad news for #Bears fans, now for a while they might be stuck with #JayCutler

In China, a 20-year-old man climbed into a giant panda enclosure to impress two women he was with. While the panda grabbed the guy, and head-butted him, the idiot escaped with only “his pants torn to shreds.” One of those moments you really wish pandas were carnivores.

A new poll found that while 46% of Americans view Hillary Clinton favorably and 47% unfavorably. those who prefer Fox News split 13% favorably, 84% unfavorably. In related news, the poll found that water is wet.

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said today “we don’t plan on making the Comey investigation the main centerpiece of our messaging.” Sounds like Conway pays about as much to what the Donald actually says as Mike Pence does.

John #Kasich says he wrote in #JohnMcCain‘s name on Presidential ballot. How long until #Trump announces plan to build a wall around Ohio?

And finally,  while we’re on the subject of emails, there’s this letter from Harry Reid to James Comey: “In my communication with you and other top officials in the national security community, it has become clear that you possess explosive information about close ties and coordination between Donald Trump, his top advisers, and the Russian government – a foreign interest openly hostile to the United States, which Trump praises at every opportunity.
‘The public has a right to know this information. I wrote to you months ago calling for this information to be released to the public. There is no danger to American interests from releasing it. ”

This all would be a lot more fun if it weren’t real.

In the lurch

October 26, 2015

Dirk Nowitzki went as Lurch for a Halloween Party last weekend. Not to be outdone, now Lurch is planning to go as Dirk Nowitzki.


The NFL today officially filed their appeal of Tom Brady’s successful appeal of his Deflategate suspension. If this keeps up the case should finally be adjudicated just in time for Brady’s first Old Timers’ game.


Forget the SuperBowl‬. How much worse does it get for Ravens‬ before John Harbaugh‬ starts looking to try to compete with brother Jim in college bowls?

Dallas coach Jason Garrett said today that Greg Hardy needs to do better at “channeling” his emotions, but the the DE won’t be disciplined after his altercations with an assistant coach and teammates.
It’s all part of the Cowboys’ strict “12 strikes and you’re out” policy

An Indiana woman is recovering from being shot in the foot after she put her shotgun on the ground without the safety catch while hunting. Her dog stepped on the gun and it went off. The dog’s name is Trigger. Your move, Florida.

(so have to wonder, is Trigger’s middle name “happy?”)

Whole Foods has recalled chicken and pasta salad over possible listeria. Well, 99% of Americans are safe – they can’t afford to shop at Whole Foods.

New Jersey drivers apparently pay the highest tolls in the U.S., 20 cents out of every dollar collected. Mostly presumably to get out of New Jersey.

The WHO has said processed meats like bacon and sausages are grade 1 carcinogens, the same category as asbestos, alcohol, arsenic and tobacco.

Hmm, I see a new GOP way to fix social security’s money woes – have all Americans eat more hot dogs.

So much for all those who think Donald Trump has never faced real adversity – “It’s not been easy for me. I started off in Brooklyn, my father gave me a small loan of $1 million. ”

Mike Tyson is now saying that Trump “should be president of the United States.” Makes sense, the Donald can be the official candidate of those who’ve been hit on the head too many times.

Fox News’ Jeanine Pirro, slamming Hillary Clinton, “I watched as the hearing devolved from a search for the truth to theater, political theater.” Uh, doesn’t political theater describe the whole GOP Benghazi witch hunt in the first place?

Governor Greg Abbott wants to make “sanctuary cities” illegal in Texas. Can someone really make Abbott’s head explode and propose a Texas law that would require checking someone’s immigration status when they try to buy a gun?

T.C. on national tv switching away from the Saints game Sunday.  “Houston fans switched to another game too – golf”

from Marc Ragovin  “Too bad its not a Mets/Blue Jays World Series. I was really looking forward to Cespedes and Batista meeting at mid-field for the ceremonial bat flip.”

Morning after of the nearly dead.

October 31, 2013

Scariest thing for many of us on Halloween. No more MLB baseball games this season. But only 104 days until pitchers and catchers report.

In Mexico, November 1 is known as “Day of the Dead.”    In the U.S., it’s “National Half-Price Candy Day.”

All the talk about Halloween being such an unhealthy holiday because of kids going out to get and eat bags full of candy.  So what’s the most popular pre-Trick-or-treating meal in the U.S?’    Pizza

Google says they are “outraged” by alleged NSA snooping. They say if anyone is snooping on their customers it should be Google themselves.

Some people say we have children as an excuse to buy toys at Christmas/Hanukkah. Looking at pictures today I’d say there’s an equally good chance some people have children just to come up with adorable Halloween costumes.

Hallmark has changed an “ugly sweater” Christmas ornament they were selling from saying “Don we now our gay apparel,” to “Don we now our fun apparel.” Reportedly due to consumer backlash. But was it homophobic backlash, or backlash from gays who said they would never be caught dead in an ugly sweater?


Dell Computers is admitting that some of its new laptops smell like a cat litter box. Are they sure it’s the machine and not the latest version of Windows.

An NFL game ended Thursday night in overtime on a safety? That’s almost as unbelievable as a baseball game ending on an obstruction call.

Kim Kardashian told Jay Leno her selfie in a skimpy swimsuit was her “big, like, middle finger to the world.” I thought the Kardashians themselves were a big middle finger to the world.,

So the new FAA regulations say passengers will be able to use their cellphones on planes with the doors closed, but not for phone calls nor text or email. And of course all passengers will obey that directive….

A number of media outlets are trying to make something out of the fact that Pamela Anderson cut her long blonde hair into a pixie cut. Perhaps they are oblivious to the fact that most men don’t pay attention to Pamela for her hair….?

Now there’s medical marijuana for pets. So what’s the next product, cat and dog food flavored like Doritos?

From T.C.  “Last night, the Red Sox won the World Series at home in Boston for the first time since 1918 vs the Cubs. Baseball fans were shocked, the Cubs were in a World Series?”


From Bill Littlejohn   “O.J. Simpson can still vote in Florida while thousands of others can’t—-they’re hoping that some day he can find 2000’s ‘real voters'”

It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.


October 31, 2012

And it’s only the first game of the season, but looks like the Washington Wizards are doing their annual act of dressing up like an NBA team.

All that money, all those stars, and the Lakers looked pretty flat.on opening night. Well, at least it takes the Los Angeles spotlight off the Dodgers.

Just MAYBE these seasons combined with postseason games are getting too long? If the SF Giants hadn’t swept the Detroit Tigers the World Series would be overlapping the NBA openers.

Meanwhile on Halloween, Mitt Romney is trying to decide whether to go as a Liberal, a Conservative or a Moderate. In other words,  just another day.

In Alaska this past weekend, Levi Johnston married his second baby mama, Sunny Oglesby. So where’s Sarah Palin congratulating the father of her grandson on his belated family values?


As the power stays off in much of the East Coast, wonder how many younger people are wishing if only there was a material you could use to make something to read or do puzzles on,  and that didn’t have to be charged or plugged into the wall.

As the East Coast tries to recover from Sandy, your tax dollars at work out west: Nayda Suleman has checked into a Southern California Rehab clinic for 28 days to deal with a Xanax addiction….

Well, at least he’s consistent. W’s FEMA director Michael Brown on Monday said President Obama acted too quickly in mobilizing relief for Sandy: “It’s premature [when] the brunt of the storm won’t happen until later this afternoon.”

So wonder how long after the election it will take Donald Trump to file bankruptcy and ask for federal relief from Obama for his Atlantic City and New York properties?

The NCAA says they have passed tougher sanctions to crack down harder on rule-breakers. Great, even more punishment for schools and athletes who get left behind when the cheaters go to another school or the NFL.

George Lucas has agreed to sell Lucasfilm to Disney for $4.05 billion. Insert “dark side” joke here:




From T.C. “What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner?  Felix landed on his feet.”





Really? Some have been criticizing President Obama because the speed of his investigation into Benghazi hasn’t been as swift as his response to Hurricane Sandy. Uh, maybe because there is a difference between a rush to judgment and a rush to put people’s lives back together?

Scary thoughts….

October 31, 2009

One truly scary thought. How many women on Halloween think they look good in outfits where their heels are higher than their skirts are long…..

A fashion police corollary. Another way to decide about skirt length. The length in inches should probably be a bigger number than your dress size.

The only NFL blackout this week will be the Detroit Lions vs. the St. Louis Rams, two teams with a win between them. Even if the game would have sold out the league might have decided it was too scary for children.

Joe Lieberman this week continued his quest to be the most hated member of the Democratic caucus in the Senate. First saying he might filibuster against the healthcare bill, then saying he may campaign for some Republican candidates. Many Democrats are hoping his next bipartisan act is a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

Sarah Palin is feuding publicly with the father of her grandson, Joe Lieberman seems to be trying to alienate every liberal and moderate in the country, and John Edwards is continually redefining the term sleazebag. Maybe we aren’t giving President Obama enough credit for picking a VP candidate who’s only as embarassing as Joe Biden.

Apparently Dick Cheney has said he doesn’t remember who leaked Valerie Plames name back in 2004. Of course, judging by his recent comments, he doesnt remember who got us into Afghanistan and Iraq either.