Posted tagged ‘Tim McCarver jokes’

It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.

Dispirit of St. Louis

October 28, 2013
Cardinals lost 3-1 to the Red Sox.  Rams had a  sure comeback fall short at the 2 yard line. Tonight’s headline “Dispirit of St. Louis.”

Nah, there’s no bias on Fox World Series coverage. Joe Buck – “The National League has won the last three World Series, including these Cardinals in 2011.” Would it kill him to mention the other teams, or rather, team?

Tim McCarver and Joe Buck were so convinced the Red Sox shouldn’t have been holding Wong on last night, we’re lucky they didn’t miss the end of the game altogether with another in-dugout interview or something.

How boring. The only big mistakes in tonight’s #WorldSeries game were hanging curveballs.

 

Why is ANYONE still pitching to #DavidOrtiz in this World Series? #insanity

A 31-year-old Texas man survived being struck by lighting twice last weekend. First when he was standing under a tree, then when he dropped to his knees and was struck again. The man says he believes God kept him alive, and he will start going to church more. Uh, maybe during storms he should start standing under trees less.

Rick Santorum said of Ted Cruz’s efforts that resulted in a government shutdown “In the end, he did more harm” to the GOP than good. Well, Santorum ought to know, since in 2006 his 18% loss was one of the largest defeats by a Republican senator trying to be re-elected in U.S. history.

Ryanair has released their annual calendar featuring scantily-clad flight attendants, which is a fundraiser for cancer research. Could be worse. The discount carrier could demand passengers either wear minimal clothes or pay a fee to cut down on weight in the cabin.

From my funny friend Howard Fox  “The other day in Washington, a boy’s dog was blamed for starting an apartment fire. Unfortunately for the boy, his homework survived.”

Miley Cyrus was quoted in Cosmopolitan as saying “I feel like I’m kind of an underdog in a cool way. Like, society wants to shut me down.” “Shut her down?” More like “Just make her go away.”

Not sure if Stanford football is as good as their ranking, but they and other Pac 12 teams rank higher in the BCS than the Coaches’ and AP polls. Makes sense. the computers don’t go to bed before the second half of all these West Coast night games.

 

A federal judge ruled that Texas’s new abortion restrictions are unconstitutional. Which means probably that some in the GOP will try to start blocking more judicial appointments over Obamacare or Benghazi.

Marco Rubio now favors a House piecemeal approach over the comprehensive immigration reform passed by the Senate earlier this year. Not that unusual, except that the Senate bill…. was one that Rubio largely authored.

BYU, over 98% Mormon, has already accepted a bid to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl in San Francisco. Unhappiest people about this invitation? San Francisco bar owners.

The Carolina Panthers’ Mike Mitchell, who got his 5th fine of the year last week, $7,875 for taunting, claims the NFL and Roger Goodell are targeting him. Well if they weren’t before, they probably are now.

 

World SEEEriEEs?

October 28, 2011

Did I include enough Es?

Many old-time baseball fans are looking back nostalgically to the days when pitching dominated in the World Series. Like last year.


Early in the game the only bright spot for Tony LaRussa was knowing that his bullpen phone worked.


from T.C.”Wow, that was one of the best WS games ever. Tops Kirk Gibson and Buckner. Too bad the StL bullpen had to wait for the results to be phoned in.”

It really was an amazing World Series game Thursday night, and just imagine how epic it would have been if Jon Miller was still the ESPN radio announcer….. (Dan Shulman wasn’t bad, but still….)

After both listening to game six in the car, and watching it on television later, I have to hand it to Tim McCarver. He is doing as much as anyone in the game to promote the tradition of baseball on the radio.

Texas Governor Rick Perry plans to skip future GOP debates. Guess he’s applying the time honored principle: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

October 29 is National Cat Day. Responded most cats “Isn’t EVERY day National Cat Day? Now, before I go back to sleep, where is my dinner?”

The former president of Facebook, Sean Parker, apparently Tweeted to complain about being a billionaire: “I have a whole new set of problems to deal with now: security, extortion attempts, kidnapping threats, death threats, etc. Life better b4?” Can’t imagine how the super rich get the reputation for being out-of-touch.

Carson Palmer, when asked about bringing Terrell Owens to Oakland, responded “T.O. and I had a great working relationship…. The problem is that for him to get here there’s not anybody that we could let go,” Well, this was a more diplomatic response than “NFW!!! Are you nuts?”

During a mock debate last week in Philadelphia, the British claimed that the Declaration of Independence was totally illegitimate and illegal. But they added, “it’s all right chaps, we don’t want you back anyway.”

Kim Kardashian herself is now admitting that there is a lot of stress in her new marriage, especially living with her sister and filming “Kourtney and Kim take New York.” She told “People” that “It’s not ideal because you’re newlyweds and you want privacy.” Uh, honey, if you want privacy here’s a clue, don’t turn your wedding (along with the rest of your life) into a media circus.


The Dow soared over 300 points Thursday. Out of habit, several of the GOP candidates blamed it on President Obama.


Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from last year. You know what that means? Gas prices are going up.

There are rumors that C.C. Sabathia might sign with the Red Sox. Makes sense, with C.C’s size those dugout beers won’t even make a blip on his blood alcohol level.

A new Time magazine poll shows Hillary Clinton easily beating the major GOP candidates if she somehow could run for President in 2012. Good news for Clinton’s reputation, but with all due respect “None of the above” could handily beat the current GOP field now too.

A five letter word?

October 20, 2011

Tonight during game one of the World Series, an excited Tim McCarver responded to a seventh-inning strikeout by saying “STRIKE – It’s a five letter word.” And then he proceeded to spell it “S-T-R-I-K-E.”

If “strike” is a five letter word, by that standard so is “stupid.”


Guess we all know Tim McCarver’s favorite Dylan song: “Love is just a three-letter word.”

Can’t imagine how baseball players get the reputation for being ignorant.

And in Redwood City, south of San Francisco, 49ers WR Michael Crabtree was pulled over for allegedly speeding 85 in a 65 zone. And he had problems with his registration and license not being valid in California. Yet Crabtree tweeted yesterday that he missed a flight because the officer was a Raiders fans and thus detained him for 30 minutes.

Can’t imagine how football players get the reputation for being self-centered as well as ignorant.

The first game of the World Series was played in damp weather in the low 40s with plenty of wind. Or as old-time SF Giants fans remembered- “Just like Summer at Candlestick.”

So the St. Louis Cardinals, maybe or maybe not aided by playing at home (despite their weaker record), have won game one. If the Yankees had been actually able to navigate the playoffs lately, no doubt folks in New York would have convinced Bud Selig to drop that “All Star win equals home field advantage” idea by now.

The Boston Red Sox are denying that their pitchers drank beer in the dugout. SF Giants fans are remembering all of Jonathan Sanchez’s “head-case” outings in 2011 and thinking, hmm, maybe he SHOULD have been drinking beer in the dugout.

The Raiders have now announced that Carson Palmer will start at QB Sunday. Of course, they are playing the Kansas City Chiefs. So maybe Oakland figures this is the football equivalent of a baseball AAA rehab assignment.

In the Scottish Highlands, British archaeologists have discovered the 1,000-year-old buried body of a Viking warrior. Wonder if they knew he was a Viking because he was wearing a Brett Favre jersey?


After not mentioning it in recent debates and appearances, Rick Perry now says he wants to get rid of the current U.S. tax structure and change to a flat tax. Guess he wants his tax plan to match his poll numbers.

President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla had a baby girl last night. The first child born to a French president in recent memory. (That we know of… and to his actual wife.)

Lindsay Lohan has been found in violation of her probation and was taken into custody. “I am shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

(added my friend Alex Kaseberg, Los Angeles Margarita Machines breathed a collective sigh of relief.)

Kelsey Grammer said his ex-wife Camille only married him because he was famous. Uh, duh, why else do youngish ex-Playboy models marry middle-aged frumpy looking men? Well, besides money.

Three LSU football starters were suspended for…. fake marijuana?!! This would have never happened at OSU or Miami. Their boosters pay enough for players to be able to afford the real thing.

Rumors abound that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are considering divorce, only about two months after their marriage. So it might be looking good for those who had “less than 100 days in the pool.”

R.I.P Steve Jobs.

October 6, 2011

Or should we say R.iPeace.

But hey, give the man credit. Steve Jobs is already accomplishing things in the afterlife. He just knocked Sarah Palin’s “I’m not running for President” announcement off the front page.


Probably too soon for jokes about iHeadstones or iCoffin jokes. But not that much too soon. (Two of my anonymous friends have already suggested something containing either would have a crappy camera.)


Wonder which will come first, Jobs’ memorial service, or the first “tell-all” book.”

Meanwhile, back to Palin jokes: Sarah announced that she will not run for president in 2012, and said the decision was “prayerfully considered.” Wonder if that means God responded to her prayer with “Are you out of your bleeping mind?”

Fox regular lead baseball analyst Tim McCarver will have a “minor heart-related procedure” this week and be replaced in the booth by Terry Francona. Baseball television viewers the world over wish McCarver the best, but think he should take plenty of time off to recover, say until at least 2014.

St. Louis has scored 18 runs against Philadephia pitching in just four games. Yes, the Phillies are a strong team. But before the national media tries, again, to anoint their pitching staff as the best in baseball, remember SF Giants’ pitchers would call 18 runs a bad week.

Michael Vick says the Philadelphia Eagles will no longer use the name “Dream Team.” “Nightmare” is more like it.

My friend Jerry Perisho points out: “There was a squirrel at the Cards-Phillies game. And, it wasn’t Bud Selig.”

(My only squibble with that joke, it’s insulting to squirrels.)

The WAC commissioner apologized for an “excessive delay” when replay officials took 22 minutes to review a play in last weekend’s Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game. 22 minutes for a decision on one play?! Who was in the replay booth? Brett Favre.

St. Louis has scored 18 runs against Philadelphia pitching in just four games. Yes, the Phillies are a strong team. But before the national media tries, again, to anoint their pitching staff as the best in baseball, remember SF Giants’ pitchers would call 18 runs a bad week.

Stanford’s Andrew Luck now apparently has security guards when he is going to and from games, in part to protect him from countless professional autograph hunters. Fortunately Luck is still able to attend classes on his own, probably because these pros haven’t considered the idea of a Heisman candidate QB actually GOING to class.

A high school kicker from Carson, NV hit a 64 yard field goal last weekend. He’s been offered several college scholarships and a tryout with the Philadelphia Eagles.

Quote in response to those who are denigrating Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign against child obesity “I think it’s a really good goal to encourage kids to eat better. I’ve struggled with my weight for 30 years, and it’s a struggle. And if a kid can avoid that in his or her adult years, more power to them, and I think the first lady’s speaking out well.” The speaker? Chris Christie.

Televised torture…

October 16, 2010

 Fox baseball analyst Tim McCarver came out against instant replay, saying it “will kill the pace of the game.” You know what already kills the pace of the game? Listening to Tim McCarver.

(Actually McCarver doing color for the NLCS  will do his part to help the Giants live up to their “Giants baseball torture” billing. At least the torture part.   And then between innings we get political commercials. Shouldn’t this be reported as a violation of the Geneva convention?)

My friend Alex Kaseberg has a Tim McCarver imitation:  “What some people forget is that a baseball is round. And the bat is round. So you gotta hit a round thing with another round thing. That’s hard.”

But announcing aside, baseball’s all about the day-to-day grind, 162 games in 6 months, no real breaks. So part of the drama is the war of attrition and which players can fight through exhaustion and nagging injuries. Then then we get to the post season…. with no games for DAYS. Thank you FOX and Bud Selig.’

‎So in game one of the ALCS, 5-0 Texas lead going to the 7th, turns into a 6-5 Yankees win. How many other Giants fans were having painful flashbacks to World Series game six?

While there were many pitching goats out of the bullpen for the Rangers, the biggest horns may belong to Darren Oliver, 40, who came in with a 5-2 lead, and walked the only two batters he faced.

That’s what can happen when you bring in an inexperienced young guy in the playoffs, said Jamie Moyer.

Another sign it’s just too long between games in the playoffs….. Heard today on the radio, “The Giants will have a good chance in the NLCS if they can outscore the Phillies…”

Apparently Paramount is working on a sequel to Top Gun. Wonder if it will open up with “Maverick” and “Charlie” meeting up again while cruising gay bars….?

In a new video, Justin Bieber apparently criticizes Tom Brady’s hair in a new video. Isn’t that like Sarah Palin criticizing Christine O’Donnell’s knowledge of current events?

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin was in Northern California, and during a speech in San Jose she accused Democrats of being like “permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and talked about them using “pixie dust.”

Hmm, sounds like someone might have had a pre-speech meeting with “California Republicans in Favor of Proposition 19.”..

The University of Georgia has a new mascot,  UGA VIII,  a 13 month old English bulldog, who will make his first appearance at the school’s homecoming game against Vanderbilt.  According to the school’s athletic director ” As our mascot he represents everything we want our student-athletes and fans to be … proud, loyal, tenacious and relentless.

The jury’s out as to whether UGA VIII  aka Big Bad Bruce)  will help the school turn around what has been a difficult year for the football team.  But at least he can probably get through the year without being arrested.

 Years ago, after a rough 49ers loss,  San Francisco mayor Willie Brown called quarterback Elvis Grbac an “embarrassment to humankind.” Hmm. Maybe nobody had better ask Willie what he thinks of Alex Smith.

Sports headline:  Favre questionable for Vikings.    Well, his behavior for sure.   And here the pundits were worried about Randy Moss being a distraction.