Posted tagged ‘Brett Favre jokes’

Decisions, decisions.

August 4, 2014

The Green Bay Packers scheduled  an announcement Monday regarding Brett Favre and the Packers Hall of Fame. Although if they really wanted to honor Favre they will change their mind about the announcement and reschedule it later.

Yesterday at Penn Station, Amtrak accidentally sent over 200 passengers to the wrong platform and an Acela train headed for Washington without them. Even U.S. airlines were impressed.


Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in 2008 that Jack Nicklaus would hold off #TigerWoods for the lead with the most golf majors?

In Hewitt, Texas, a firearms instructor for the Police Department will miss at least two months of work after shooting himself in the hand. He was trying to teach family members how to clear the chamber of a jammed semi-automatic pistol. Raising the question, how do you stop a stupid good guy with a gun?

One of the anti-immigrant lines in the U.S. these days is about immigrants taking American jobs. Wonder why none of these folks has a problem with one of the only 100 positions in the U.S. Senate being taken in Texas by a man from Canada.


Arizona 1st baseman Paul Goldschmidt’s fractured left hand probably means he will miss the rest of the season. Except maybe for a couple Giants-Dbacks games. Even one-handed Goldschmidt probably can hit .500 against Tim Lincecum.

Random scary thought if you are an MLB team with World Series aspirations. Right now the #5 starter on the Detroit Tigers is Justin Verlander.


Opening night at Levi’s Stadium, an MLS game, featured traffic gridlock, technology problems, and not enough parking. A little scary for season ticket holders and potential ticket re-sellers. But potentially great news for the NFL network


Apparently Prince Charles is “furious” about a new book coming out by a former Buckingham Palace press officer that supposedly will expose marital secrets between him and Diana. Shocking. There are any secrets about that mess of a marriage left?


High times at the Olympics:

August 7, 2012

Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.

NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”

Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?

Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.

(as Alex Schubert commented  –  “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.)  –

In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”

Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?

There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt.  But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but  does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?

(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)

Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.

Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.

More trenchant than funny.  But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.

Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.

Bad seeds?

March 17, 2012

For the first time in NCAA history, three teams with seed numbers 13 or higher won their first round games. Does this mean that weaker teams are getting better? Or that the seeding committee is getting worse?

Although before experts from other fields, like politics, start really criticizing sports experts -how many political pundits had Rick Santorum in the GOP Final Four?

Thieves apparently stole a 500-lb beehive from a Houston restaurant. The owner said it contained as many as 5,000 bees he was raising for their honey. Wonder if police will go after the crooks with a sting operation?

So do those who had Missouri and Duke into the Final Four become honorary Irishmen for drinking on St. Patricks’ Day?

The Cincinnati Bearcats blew all of a 19 point lead against Texas, but came back to win their first round game and are still alive. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.

(added Alex Schubert, “At the beginning, Texas took more bad shots than Dick Cheney.”)

A reporter asked Sarah Palin if she saw the Norfolk State game. Her response, “Don’t try to fool me, I KNOW Norfolk is not a state.

Peyton Manning had said he hoped to make a decision by this Tuesday. It’s Friday…. “Atta boy.” said Brett Favre.

ESPN is reporting that Peyton Manning also worked out for San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh and took a physical for the team this week. Looks like Harbaugh is 1000 % behind Alex Smith.

Rick Santorum is really getting aggressive in his campaign. When he saw an ad for the hit show “The Book of Mormon” his alleged response was “See, another example of intellectual elitism, Mormons read books.”

300 people waited overnight in the rain in San Francisco for the newest iPad. And guess what gals, these guys are single.

Kansas State guard Angel Rodriguez, who is Puerto Rican, says he has accepted Southern Mississippi’s apology and moved on. (Some students chanted “get a green card” at him during the game.) Wonder how many other Southerners heard the remarks and said “Makes sense, those foreigners are at least polite.”

Dwight Howard, who made headlines earlier this year by asking for a trade, now says he also wants to stay next year with Orlando – ““I’m very loyal and I’ve always put loyalty above anything.” If this basketball stuff doesn’t work out Howard has a great future in politics.

There’s a report that Rush Limbaugh actually has a new sponsor interested in his show – the Westboro Baptist Church. Well, birdbrains of a feather…. (Actually, I shouldn’t make that joke, it’s insulting to birds.)

Mitt Romney says Rick Santorum’s plan is economic illiteracy. And Santorum responds “There you go promoting elite stuff like literacy again.”

Meghan McCain posed (with clothes on) and was interviewed for the April issue of Playboy. She calls herself “strictly ‘dickly'” and says, “I love sex.” Anyone else secretly hoping she connects with and starts influencing the Romney and/or Santorum kids?

A five letter word?

October 20, 2011

Tonight during game one of the World Series, an excited Tim McCarver responded to a seventh-inning strikeout by saying “STRIKE – It’s a five letter word.” And then he proceeded to spell it “S-T-R-I-K-E.”

If “strike” is a five letter word, by that standard so is “stupid.”

Guess we all know Tim McCarver’s favorite Dylan song: “Love is just a three-letter word.”

Can’t imagine how baseball players get the reputation for being ignorant.

And in Redwood City, south of San Francisco, 49ers WR Michael Crabtree was pulled over for allegedly speeding 85 in a 65 zone. And he had problems with his registration and license not being valid in California. Yet Crabtree tweeted yesterday that he missed a flight because the officer was a Raiders fans and thus detained him for 30 minutes.

Can’t imagine how football players get the reputation for being self-centered as well as ignorant.

The first game of the World Series was played in damp weather in the low 40s with plenty of wind. Or as old-time SF Giants fans remembered- “Just like Summer at Candlestick.”

So the St. Louis Cardinals, maybe or maybe not aided by playing at home (despite their weaker record), have won game one. If the Yankees had been actually able to navigate the playoffs lately, no doubt folks in New York would have convinced Bud Selig to drop that “All Star win equals home field advantage” idea by now.

The Boston Red Sox are denying that their pitchers drank beer in the dugout. SF Giants fans are remembering all of Jonathan Sanchez’s “head-case” outings in 2011 and thinking, hmm, maybe he SHOULD have been drinking beer in the dugout.

The Raiders have now announced that Carson Palmer will start at QB Sunday. Of course, they are playing the Kansas City Chiefs. So maybe Oakland figures this is the football equivalent of a baseball AAA rehab assignment.

In the Scottish Highlands, British archaeologists have discovered the 1,000-year-old buried body of a Viking warrior. Wonder if they knew he was a Viking because he was wearing a Brett Favre jersey?

After not mentioning it in recent debates and appearances, Rick Perry now says he wants to get rid of the current U.S. tax structure and change to a flat tax. Guess he wants his tax plan to match his poll numbers.

President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla had a baby girl last night. The first child born to a French president in recent memory. (That we know of… and to his actual wife.)

Lindsay Lohan has been found in violation of her probation and was taken into custody. “I am shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

(added my friend Alex Kaseberg, Los Angeles Margarita Machines breathed a collective sigh of relief.)

Kelsey Grammer said his ex-wife Camille only married him because he was famous. Uh, duh, why else do youngish ex-Playboy models marry middle-aged frumpy looking men? Well, besides money.

Three LSU football starters were suspended for…. fake marijuana?!! This would have never happened at OSU or Miami. Their boosters pay enough for players to be able to afford the real thing.

Rumors abound that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are considering divorce, only about two months after their marriage. So it might be looking good for those who had “less than 100 days in the pool.”

Harbaugh bidding wars – “The Decision, The Sequel?”

January 7, 2011

Actually,however this turns out, the drama with Jim Harbaugh is considerably more interesting than “the Decision.”

But okay, here’s my solution for short-term gain for Stanford fans and potential long-term gain for San Francisco fans. Have Harbaugh ask for a deferral of the coaching job offer for one year. Then let Jed York coach his own team. Result – a great year for the Cardinal and a sure #1 pick for the 49ers in 2012 to choose Luck.

Meanwhile, this year, guess Andrew Luck decided another year of college WAS something that could be fina’ than to be in Carolina….-

 The Miami Dolphins, presumably impressed by Stanford’s Orange Bowl performance,  reportedly offered coach Jim Harbaugh $7 million a year. Unfortunately most teams in the AFC South aren’t quite as easy to beat as Virginia Tech. Teams in the NFC West, maybe.

 SF 49ers owner Jed York said he was going to do a “global” search for an experienced GM, and ended up almost immediately going down the hall for V.P. of Player Personnel Trent Baalke. But give the guy a break, he worked at least as hard on the search as O.J. did on his for the real killer.

Figure skater Johnny Weir has announced in his autobiography that he is gay. Not to dismiss his courageous decision, but wouldn’t it be bigger news if a male figure skater announced he WASN’T gay?

Dulles Airport was basically closed today for two hours while airport police investigated a suspicious package that turned out to be harmless. So where are all those high-tech X-Ray machines when they really need them?

Edgar Renteria has signed with the Cincinnati Reds. Based on their 2010 postseason performance it seems clear that Edgar decided he was just tired of all that World Series pressure.

Despite his previous opposition to DADT repeal, John McCain now says he will act “to make it work.” This could be a sign of his fundamental practicality, or that as a good military man he believes in following laws, even when he disagrees with them. Or that at his age, John just doesn’t remember voting against it.

After winning the World Junior Championships, The Russian junior players were booted off their flight home as it was deemed they were too intoxicated and were declared a safety threat.  In their defense, the players said they were in training to become pilots.

Augie comments about the story that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter may be engaged:   Surprised he’s not registered at Crate and Barrel.  Since most women would want to put him in one or the other.

The British Airport Authority has called in experts to help them avoid another disaster like they had last December, where at most 5 inches of snow shut down Heathrow for days. This in fact was the biggest mess caused by just a few inches since Brett Favre texted those pictures to Jenn Sterger.

Michele Bachmann has been appointed to serve on the House Intelligence Committee. What’s next, Sarah Palin on the board of PETA?

Not that Brett Favre doesn’t appear to be a grade-A scumbag where women are concerned. But I do have one question for Jenn Sterger. If he was being THAT offensive, why didn’t you just call the phone company and have them block calls from his number?               


Regarding those Southwest commercials attacking other airlines for their change fees:, I agree that it’s nice that the airline doesn’t charge change fees per se. But what they don’t mention, if you are on a discount ticket and want to standby on an earlier flight, you have to pay the difference between your fare and the full fare, even if the earlier flight has empty seats.

Orange you glad….?

January 4, 2011

If you bet Stanford in the Orange Bowl.  Fuzzy picture of trophy ceremony below.

Virginia Tech fans generally left after the third quarter. Guess they no longer had a dog in the fight.

The score was 13-12 at halftime.   I want a copy of whatever speech Harbaugh gave Stanford at halftime.

Maroon and orange? Did Virginia Tech forgot to show up for college color picking day and end up with the leftovers?

An anonymous friend asks – “what is a Hokie?”  It might be the card you use to open the door of the motel room you rent by the hour?

After the game, QB Andrew Luck and coach Jim Harbaugh lobbed Oranges at the other players during the trophy presentation.  Good thing Stanford wasn’t in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl or the Hyundai Sun Bowl. headline:  Lakers have issues to address. With all due respect, that’s been true for a while. But now they have issues to address on the court.

Inspired by a  joke from Patrick Wyatt:

The difference between the Big Ten and cornflakes? Cornflakes don’t fall apart as soon as they get in a bowl.

If Harbaugh wants the NFL then he should try the 49ers job. If he wants to stay in college, what’s the point of moving? He’s proven he can recruit a top 10 class where he is. And besides, at Stanford when they give the concussion test – “How many fingers am I holding up?” – the response isn’t “Ah, coach, I’m not great at math.”

Two massage therapists are now also claiming they were harrassed by Brett Favre.  Will it never end?  Let’s hope neither of them refers to him as a “crazed sex poodle.”

Are we thawed out for some football…?

December 28, 2010

Apparently Brett Favre will not play Tuesday night unless he passes a concussion test. Such a test would require Favre demonstrating he is thinking clearly and rationally. Shame for Vikings fans they didn’t adminster one at the beginning of the season.

Many if not most NBA fans haven’t gotten over “The Decision.”  Now following the uproar over his latest remarks about having few NBA teams, Lebron James stated today that he really isn’t in favor of contraction. 

You know, “The King’s Speech” is a great movie about a speech therapist named Lionel Logue who helped King George VI avoid embarrassing himself everytime he opened his mouth.  Wonder if Lionel has any descendants in Miami…..?

But really, James is an incredible talent.  Except lately he seems to get in more trouble opening his mouth than anyone not named Monica Lewinsky.


The Miami Heat-Los Angeles Lakers game on Christmas drew the NBA’s highest holiday television rating since 2004. But Lebron James and his friends actually had an even more stunning accomplishment for the day – turning most of America into temporary Lakers’ fans.

Julian Assange has apparently signed a contract to write his autobiography. But how can the publisher possibly believe anyone will actually buy a copy of a book that a month ahead of time should be completely leaked to the internet?

The Florida Gators surprised their fans by announcing that they will be without four starters against Penn State in the Outback Bowl. The real surprise, the players involved are all injured, none were arrested or suspended.

With the snowfall back east, both the Giants and Jets were stranded in the midwest, and temporarily unable to fly home. Based on their team’s performance against the Packers, however, Giants fans are okay with them staying there for a while. (Like maybe until the Spring thaw.)

The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

My comedy writer  friend Jerry Perisho wonders about Hefner’s latest engagement and if he asked his fiancee’s father. I wonder if Hugh asked her grandfather?

Sarah Palin is now saying that her created word “refudiate,” was simply the result of hitting the wrong key instead of the P while she was tweeting. Uh, okay, but if so wouldn’t the word have read “reoudiate”, or “reludiate?  (Take a look at a QWERTY keyboard if this makes no sense.)

Streaks and geeks.

December 14, 2010

After this weekend, Minneapolis crews are working frantically to see how long it will take to repair their aging structure and have it NFL ready as soon as possible. And besides Brett Favre, they are hoping to fix the Metrodome too.

So the Big 10 starting in 2011 will have 12 teams , and the Big 12 starting in 2012 will have 10 teams.  Here’s a radical idea. Swap numbers.

Instead, the Big Ten, which will now have twelve members, is dividing them into two football divisions: Leaders and Legends. What, they thought the players would find “North-South” or “East-West” too complicated?

Leaders and Legends?  Well it’s hard to figure out who is in which category.  Except for the high-priced consultants who came up with this idea.   For them I think the term is “Losers.”

But really, don’t those categories sound like a “Comic-con” seminar, or as my friend Tim Church says, a video game?   And then they added this baby blue logo. Just in case the whole package wasn’t dorky enough.

Brett Favre’s string of 297 straight starts ended today. His continuous passing streak, however, ended when Deanna heard about those texts to Jenn Sterger.

Current Yankees theme song. “Can’t buy me love, can’t buy me Lee either.”

Cliff Lee to the Phillies? So much for all those who said it couldn’t get any worse than this year for Mets fans.

Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Hamels, Blanton…. Sorry Phillies, but that starting five might almost be as good as Cain, Lincecum, Bumgarner, Sanchez, and either “fill-in-the-blank” or Zito.

Amazing photos of that deflated Metrodome roof going around. It’s absolutely the most ridiculous image ever to come out of Minneapolis, at least since Deanna Favre took Brett’s camera phone away.

 More about Sal Alosi, the NY Jets coach who tripped the Dolphins runner from the sidelines. He may receive a fine and/or suspension from the league. But if he can do the same with Michael Vick or Ben Roethlisberger, PETA or NOW will send him a nice bonus.

The international pole dancing championships are this week in Japan.  The sport is growing and becoming more mainstream, although fans say they were too late to make a serious bid to be included in the 2012 London Olympics.

Although rumor has it the mostly male IOC is looking through their records to see if there is precedent for an exemption.

If pole-dancing ever makes it to the Olympics, we will definitely see a first for the games…. men asking their wives, so when do the gymnastic competitions start?

Decisions, decisions.

October 30, 2010

Minnesota coach Brad Childress said he will not decide until Sunday who will be the Vikings starting quarterback. Which means millions of sports fans around the world can now enjoy the delightful idea of Brett Favre thinking “Ah come on, can’t you just make up your mind?”

It’s only a few days until the election. Christine O’Donnell, however, is not planning to campaign on October 31. Since it’s a religious holiday.

Houston Texans owner Bob McNair had the team’s locker room searched to make sure no players were using banned PEDs. (performance enhancing drugs.) 

Well, at least we know Rangers owner Nolan Ryan won’t be needing to do that for any members of his bullpen.

In fact,  Nolan Ryan will throw out the first pitch for game 3 of the World Series in Texas. And then Rangers coach Ron Washington has asked him to go immediately to the bullpen to be ready to warm up.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig denied any disappointment with the Giants-Rangers World Series matchup, despite early low ratings.  He added “I know FOX was happy and we were happy.” Right, and the performance-enhancing drug era in baseball is over.

So let’s see, the favorites to play in the World Series were New York and Philadelphia, two major East Coast media markets.   With A-Rod, Derek Jeter, Ryan Howard, and Roy Halladay.

And the end result was two teams with few players casual fans outside of SF and Texas recognize,  except maybe “the pitcher kid with the hippie hair,” and Josh Hamilton.

So sure, FOX was thrilled.  That’s about as likely as after the Series the network’s doing a show on the “major first term accomplishments of Barack Obama.”

A t-shirt in Texas takes aim at Aubrey Huff’s “rally thong” by proclaiming “In Texas, only the players’ wifes wear thongs.”  Well, considering the way the Rangers hit in games one and two, maybe they should consider a “Victoria’s Secret” run.

There’s no love lost between Sarah Palin and Senator Lisa Murkowski. Said Palin, who said it was “shameful” for Murkowski to run as a write-in candidate. “Let’s call her the candidate for the entitlement party.” Guess Sarah is particularly upset since she’s the chair of that entitlement party.

In only a few days Americans will finally get a break from political commercials. This break should last until the 2012 commercials start, which should be at least at least a few weeks.

Roger Goddell said the NFL is seriously considering expanding to Europe.  In San Francisco fans are suggesting, why don’t they just keep the 49ers there for a few years?

“Money can’t buy me love?”

October 19, 2010

The new Yankees theme song? One thing for sure, Monday night, it couldn’t buy them runs.

Cliff Lee has now beaten the New York Yankees three times in a row in the post season, twice last year with the Phillies and tonight with the Rangers. But the Yankees, unfazed as always, have a plan – sign Lee to a mega multi-year free agent contract for 2011.

(And if they don’t, can I bet on whatever team Lee is on August 1 making it at least to their league championship series?)

Many New York viewers tonight were asking themselves one question – “When did the Mets bullpen put on pinstripes?”

In Monday’s ALCS game, a six run ninth for the Rangers turned a close 2-0 game into an 8-0 blowout. And with the third out the uninitiated just heard a textbook definition of a Bronx cheer.

Just wondering, if the Blue Jays ever make it back to the playoffs, will we have to go through the now ubiquitous seventh-inning version of “God Bless America?”

On the other hand, there were rumors of Yankees fans throwing up in the ninth inning Monday night.

And you think your life is rough: “To move to a whole new state is not fun — trying to figure out your family situation, figure out where you’ll be living, figuring out new routes to your work. That’s not fun.” So says a USA Today article quoting Lebron James.

Attention parents of a certain age.  A serious new opportunity to embarrass your children is on the horizon – October 26, “Glee” does “Rocky Horror Picture Show.”  (Props of course, like toast, rice, newspaper, toilet paper etc, are optional.)

The local media are full of stories today about the 49ers having San Francisco Bay Area bragging rights after beating the Oakland Raiders on Sunday. Isn’t that like bragging about being the winner of a spelling bee between George W. Bush and Dan Quayle?

An actual serious comment for a change:  Regarding all the increasingly violent collisions and resulting injuries in the NFL, one commentator said yesterday he didn’t know how to stop it,  because the 15 yard penalties aren’t working. Here’s a suggestion: if you put someone on the disabled list with an illegal hit, you get suspended until he gets back. Period.

Jackass 3D” was the big winner at the box office last weekend. As opposed to “Jackass 2D”, which was Brett Favre’s texting pictures of his  junk.

Apparently Brett Favre may lose some endorsements over his potential “sexting” scandal. On the brighter side, he could pick some up for junk food.  (And yes, I know, probably In and Out burger.)

The Vatican’s official newspaper has declared Homer Simpson is Catholic. Well, I guess as a father he’s less embarrassing than many of their priests.-

As we approach game three of the NLCS,  TC reminds Giants fans it was a successful trip to Philadelphia.  “No one got puked on, and no one got tased.”

Giants baseball – okay, what’s BEYOND torture?

October 12, 2010

In the NLCS, fans may be about to find out.  (This is of course supposed to be fun. )

SF’s  hitting hero, if you can have a hitting hero in a series where you score 11 runs, and win 3 of 4 games, is Cody Ross. Who hit a critical home run and an RBI single.

Ross was actually picked up in August, , not because the Giants wanted his bat, but simply to keep the San Diego Padres from getting him off waivers.

Proving something that women sports fans may understand more than men. .. sometimes spite is its own reward.

And only for fans of Marathon Man will this make sense – “Giants baseball, is it safe? 

On a brighter note, the Giants may soon become the official team of the American Dental Association.

For Giants fans, it was a thrilling NLDS, for Braves fans… let’s just say the town hasn’t seen such a weak defense since a guy named Sherman showed up….

Note to Atlanta fans, if you can’t fill your own stadium when the Braves are facing a playoff elimination game, and when your Hall of Fame manager might be managing his last game, you don’t deserve to see your team go on to the NCLS. (and yes, there were several thousand empty seats, by official count about 6,000, but maybe more.)

But with Cox retiring, in a perfect world, can he take the Tomahawk Chop with him?

Anyone looking for a team to root for, or rather root against, during the playoffs?  Here’s some numbers.  The payroll numbers for three of the teams left in the postseason- the SF Giants, the Texas Rangers and the Tampa Bay Rays, TOGETHER are barely over the the $206,000,000 million plus paid out by the NY Yankees.

2010 Numbers for the teams that are left, for what it’s worth:

New York Yankees:  $206 million

Philadelphia Phillies: $142 million

SF Giants: $97 million

Tampa Bay Rays: $71 million

Texas Rangers: $55 million.

Meanwhile,  the Boston Red Sox $162 million, and the Chicago Cubs, $146 million.  Thereby assuring that the $150 million Meg Whitman is spending for her run to be California governor just might not be the biggest waste of money this year.

From Gary Morton:  Disappointed that the Atlanta paper didn’t lead with a “Conrad delivers Braves to the heart of darkness” type of headline.  (Yes, okay, this may not make sense to non-English majors.)

Google is testing a driverless car. But will it be able to text, feed you, and do your makeup?

Brett Favre reportedly apologized to his Vikings teammates for the sexting allegations against him. Favre said he didn’t want to be a “distraction” to the team, at least until the offseason when he goes through the whole retirement decision again.

But speaking of potentially insanely stupid texts.  Jed York, owner of the 0-5 San Francisco 49ers, texted to ESPN “We’re going to win the division.” With all due respect, he’s going to need to do more than “dabble” in witchcraft to make that happen.

Orange Friday.

October 9, 2010

SF Giants were let down by their bullpen and defense Friday night.  Said Cubs fans -“What’s a bullpen and defense?”

The Giants were on a real roll early in the season on “Orange Fridays.” But they’ve now lost 3 of the last 4 games.  Personally, I liked it better when the only real Friday torture was watching Pablo Sandoval in that orange jersey.  Shades of the Great Pumpkin.

Meanwhile, baseball fans around the country are still buzzing about Tim Lincecum’s 14 strikeout performance on Thursday.  He mowed down Altantans faster than any guy not named Sherman.

A recent AP poll shows that white Americans without a four-year college degree prefer Republicans 58 to 36 percent. “That’s a great start,” said Sarah Palin, “but with a better message we could probably get over half of those voters.”

The NFL is now apparently investigating reports that Brett Favre allegedly sexted a former sideline reporter while he was with the Jets. Really? How could anyone believe that story? If Favre were thinking of sexting a woman, how could he decide on which one?

Brett Favre has been accused of emailing pictures of his “junk” to a young female reporter while he was with New York. But most Jets fans feel confident the only “junk” Favre was sending out were his passes on the field.

Jerry Brown has now apologized for an overheard conversation in which one of his aides called Meg Whitman a “whore.” Now, he has another apology request, from the sex workers union, who don’t want their members compared to politicians.

Glen Coffee, who quit the SF 49ers because he felt “God wanted him to stop playing football,” was arrested in Florida for possession of a concealed firearm. Looks like Coffee got confused – even in Florida the 10 Commandments don’t include the right to bear arms.

Or maybe God just didn’t want to see another headline starting “NFL player arrested…”

John Kerry said today that John Edwards’ situation with his mistress and baby was a “tragedy.” No, Edwards’ situation is a nasty cocktail of stupidity, arrogance and testosterone. The tragedy would have been if the story broke when he was Vice President.

From Marc Ragovin : “I knew the Minnesota Twins were originally a Washington team, I just didn’t realize it was the Generals.

Commitment and maturity.

August 22, 2010

Brett Favre apparently stressed his “commitment” to the Vikings in a team meeting. Commitment? Right. Can you imagine Favre at his wedding? “Do you take this woman…” “Uh, I think I …I’d really like to…. can I get back to you on that?”

Vin Scully just announced he will return to the Dodgers for his 62th season in 2011. Let’s hope Brett Favre doesn’t find out about this.

62 seasons? Scully just missed Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.

‎”Eat, Pray, Love,” has now taken in $47 million in two weeks in the U.S. Which must mean at least a few dozen men have now seen the movie.


How warm has it been in much of the U.S.? Given a choice between mowing the lawn and going with their wives to see “Eat, Pray, Love” it looks like some men have actually decided to go to the movie.

In an open letter to Cincinnati fans, Terrell Owens says he has matured. This might be true . On the other hand, wine in a box matures too, but that still doesn’t mean you want to touch the stuff.

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said Sunday that he won’t rule out returning to politics. If he can find someone offering an office at a fair price.

Only half of all Republicans and self-identified conservatives favor extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, a new public opinion poll shows.

In related news, 50 percent of Republicans and self-identified conservatives consider themselves wealthy.

from t.c.

Tom Hanks to Lou Pinella – “Crying?, crying?… there’s no crying in baseball!!!!” Oh yes there is, say season’s ticket holders of the Pirates, Cubs, Mets, Royals, Mariners and Orioles

Many Americans say it’s not that they’re anti-Muslim, but a Islamic Center near Ground Zero seems inappropriate near American sacred ground. Well, Turkish Muslims seem to be coping with the McDonalds’ restaurant near the Blue Mosque.

A not so keen grasp of the obvious?

August 20, 2010

Researchers have found that the disease that killed Lou Gehrig may not have been “Lou Gehrig’s Disease.” Responded former President George W. Bush – “See, I KNEW it was a hard question.”

My son, Carey Schwartz, heard this line on this morning’s ESPN Sportscenter “by the way, all 3 of Jason Heyward’s walk-off hits this season have come at home.”


Roger Clemens was indicted today on perjury charges for lying to Congress. When will they ever learn? You just cannot get away with lying on Capitol Hill – unless you’ve gotten there by being elected.

Clemens’ lawyer has said that the fact that his client voluntarily testified before Congress without being subpoenaed is proof that he is innocent. Not necessarily, it could also be proof that Roger is stupid.

One thing for sure, it doesn’t look like Roger is any “Rocket” scientist.

The SF Giants’ Aaron Rowand, batting .246, got a very warm reception when he finally played in the third game of the series against the Phillies in Philadelphia. Partly because Philadelphia fans remember him fondly, but probably even more because the Phillies weren’t stupid enough to pay $12 million a year to keep him.

Open note to these players like Adrian Peterson or Albert Haynesworth who seem to have trouble with their teams regarding showing up or being in shape for training camp: There’s a simple solution – just say you might be retiring, then show up when you please and get nothing but gratitude.

An American Airlines flight from San Francisco to JFK was delayed by a “verbal threat.” Either that or it was all a misunderstanding. The bomb on board the caller may have been referring to was the in-flight movie “The Last Airbender.”

Bedbugs have now apparently bitten people in two New York City movie theaters. And all over the city men are telling their significant others “Honey, you know I’d love to see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with you, but I just don’t want you to be hurt”

Besides disorderly conduct and creating a nuisance, apparently prosecutors are going to charge Jersey Shore’s star “Snooki” with being “criminally annoying.” If they can get a conviction on that last one, think we can indict Brett Favre and Lebron James next?

President Obama really missed his chance with this whole religion thing. A simple statement would have been “Of course I’ve been praying to God regularly for years. I’m a Bears fan. Remember Rex Grossman?”

Marc Ragovin, on the fact that Prosecutors were only 1 for 24 in their chargers against Rod Blagojevich. That’s about as good as Mets hitters with men in scoring position.


August 4, 2010

Airlines are already starting to gather “Secure Flight” data, and as of November 1, you won’t be able to get on a plane without divulging your date of birth, full legal name, and gender. I see a lawsuit coming in San F-Francisco. The gender box only has two choices.

Lady Gaga says that she thinks having sex saps creativity. Well, that certainly would explain all those incredibly intricate and imaginative new video games.

(It also explains some of the amazing things at Comic-Con.)

Morrie R. Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles snack, has died at the age of 90. In his honor, all the pallbearers will dye their fingers orange.

Rough night for ESPN. Brett Favre retired again, A-Rod is still stuck on 599, and Lebron James wrote an open letter of thanks to fans in Akron but not Cleveland. The network had so much to cover they barely had time to read the scores.

Brett Favre will apparently announce later today that he is retiring again. Yeah, well and Larry King has said “forsaking all others” a few times too.

Brad Childress is dismissing reports of Brett Favre’s latest retirement, saying he has to hear it “from the horse’s mouth.” Considering all the time sports fans and reporters have spent waiting around on Favre, I’m not sure the mouth is the first part of the horse they associate with him.

Super Bowl-winning quarterback Kurt Warner will apparently be the next former athlete to compete on “Dancing with the Stars. As opposed to Brett Favre who may appear on a show with Lebron James, titled “Dancing with the Decision.”

Okay, the betting question of the night. Which will last longer? Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety? Or Brett Favre’s retirement?

Lebron James took out a full page ad thanking the fans in Akron for their support over the years, but he doesn’t mention Cleveland at all. Another proud graduate of the BP School of Public Relations

In China they are developing a huge catamaran inspired bus that can drive OVER cars. As opposed to San Francisco where Muni drivers just try to drive through them.

Meg Whitman is likely to spend $150 million of her own money to run for Governor in California. And she may still lose. If this politics thing doesn’t work out she has at least proved herself uniquely qualified to take over the New York Mets.

Thoughts between Tiger updates…

April 9, 2010

Tiger Woods is surrounded by 90 bodyguards at the Masters to assure that no member of the public can get close to him. Hmm, if he had done this a few years ago, maybe he wouldn’t be in the mess he’s in now.

A new study says that drinking too much soda may cause sexual problems for men. Sounds like instead of Gatorade, in the long run things for Tiger might have gone better with Coke.

Congratulations to Brett Favre, who is now a grandfather. Favre made the announcement and said he was very happy, but for some reason his daughter didn’t want his help in deciding what to name the baby.

Jon Gosselin is now saying his children are being neglected, and so is suing his ex-wife Kate for custody of their children. Apparently he thinks that his nannies are better than her nannies.

Former Redskins star quarterback Joe Theismann was interviewed on NFL Radio and said of Jamarcus Russell. “He’s inaccurate and he’s too big. And he doesn’t thrown the ball well.” Stay tuned tomorrow when Theismann tells us that Brett Favre is a little indecisive.

Butler rewarded their young coach Brad Stevens with a 12 year contract for leading the Bulldogs to the NCAA championship game. 12 years?!!! Wow. By the time his contract is up Stevens might be old enough to shave.

Whatever you think about Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, she routinely wins re-election in San Francisco with 80 percent of the vote. But two Republicans are running against her this year, and may raise over $1 million, largely based on contributions from outside of California. And the GOPs says Democrats waste money?

Sarah Palin is now saying “I support Michael Steele. I am glad he is the leader of the party, administratively,” Translation, with him running the GOP you don’t hear so much any more about that $50,000 I spent on clothes.

Umpire Joe West has complained publicly about the Red Sox and Yankees’ slow play during their opening series, when all the games went almost four hours. On the other hand, considering the ticket prices at Fenway, maybe the teams felt like they were just trying to reduce the entertainment cost per minute.

Apparently the iPad has problems connecting to wi-fi. Not to worry, Apple will no doubt have a new version to make these and other issues obsolete in six months.

Sarah, we hardly knew ye…. Those were the good old days.

March 5, 2010

Sarah Palin is apparently shopping a proposal around for her own reality television show. This might mark the first time that “Sarah Palin” and “reality” have ever been used in the same sentence.

The reality show is being pitched as a series of one hour episodes. Which will all abruptly end after 38 minutes.

Barry Zito hit Prince Fielder today to retaliate for last season’s theatrical home run celebration. The Brewers’ first baseman, however, didn’t charge the mound. Probably because it was Zito’s fastball, and until the umpire told him to take a base, Fielder hadn’t even noticed he’d been hit.

Brett Favre appeared on the Tonight Show and told Leno he was noncommtal about next year. Funny, that was NBC’s exact stance in long-term negotiations with Jay.

So Brett Favre told Jay he was undecided about returning next season. Stay tuned tomorrow when the Tonight Show features Adam Lambert telling Leno he is still gay.

Baylor’s Brittney Griner, who is 6’7″ and can dunk, was ejected from a game and suspended for angrily punching an opponent in the nose. She’s been projected as both an WNBA superstar and a model. Well, I don’t know if she’ll be another Candace Parker, but unfortunately she’s looking like another Naomi Campbell.

The latest ethics violation charged to embattled New York Governor is that he illegally accepted free tickets to the first game of last year’s World Series. Well, at least that’s one thing that isn’t likely to happen anytime soon to a Governor of Illinois.

So Democratic New York Governor David Paterson is embroiled in several scandals and Congressman Charles Rangel is facing ethics investigations. Meanwhile, out in California, one of the state’s most anti-gay rights conservative senators – Republican Roy Ashburn of Bakersfield, was picked up for a DUI in Sacramento. With a male companion after leaving a gay nightclub.

It’s a shame that the one true nonpartisan part of U.S. politics seems to be stupidity.

No deadline.

January 27, 2010

Minnesota coach Brad Childress said he would “not impose a deadline” on Brett Favre to make a decision about next season. Instead he will focus on his more realistic offseason project – cat herding.

According to a Halifax newspaper, a Canadian couple are such Toronto hockey fanatics that they will wear Maple Leafs jerseys when they get married Jan. 30. Apparently they wanted to wait until the Leafs were formally eliminated from the playoffs.

Greg Oden is the latest NBA player facing embarrassment after nude pictures he took for a girlfriend surfaced on the internet. On the other hand, at least the Trailblazers have to be happy that the answer to the question definitely wasn’t that it was a gun in his pocket.

No word on the rumor that Greg Oden and Gilbert Arenas will be teaming up to star in a movie sequel of “Naked Gun.”

A scientist speaking at London’s Royal Society says that while we have been looking for extraterrestials, alien life may already be here on earth. If true, my money’s on Keith Richards.

After the world champion Lakers visited the White House Monday, Kobe Bryant returned for a private meeting with Barack Obama Tuesday. Apparently the President wanted to talk to someone who knows how it feels to never pass anything.

The countdown begins…

January 26, 2010

So the League Championship games are over and the interminable hype begins. Two whole weeks for the Super Bowl, and about thirty-two weeks until Brett Favre decides whether or not he will play next season.

After the Saints 31-28 win, there’s been more complaining about the NFL’s overtime rule. And it’s true, Brett Favre didn’t even get a chance in overtime to throw another interception.

Headline from Seattle Times: “Brett Favre’s Future a Big Question Mark in Minnesota.”

In related news, it rains sometimes in Seattle.

The NFL conference championship games last weekend drew the highest television viewership since 1982. Partly this was because the Jets-Colts and Saints-Vikings were compelling matchups. Partly it’s because many Americans now couldn’t afford to do anything else.

Washington guard Javaris Crittenton pled guilty to a misdemeanor gun charge stemming from his dispute with teammate Gilbert Arenas., and was put on probation. The Wizards may not make the playoffs, but they’re definitely in the running for best shooting team of the year.

Apparently Tom Brady won’t need surgery on his finger, so he won’t miss any of next year recovering. Which is mostly good news, on the other hand, if he missed much of the 2010 season he could win another “Comeback Player of the Year” award.

Much media hype about “Avatar” having now passed 1997’s “Titanic” in gross box box office receipts. Not that the movie hasn’t rung up impressive sales. But the average movie ticket price in 1997? About $4.59.

(source- Wikipedia.)

Commie pinko alert:

Apparently CBS is planning to air an anti-abortion commercial during the Super Bowl featuring Tim Tebow and his mother. If Tebow really wanted to be “pro-life” maybe he should have considered doing a commercial telling all his fellow athletes to pay their child support?

Beginnings and endings.

January 6, 2010

Mike Shanahan appears to be ready to accept the job as coach of the Washington Redskins. For non-sports fans, this is essentially the equivalent of signing on to be the fifth trophy wife of a billionaire. The odds favor the contract being dissolved, but you can profit nicely on the pre-nup.

The Big Unit, Randy Johnson, retired tonight after 22 seasons. He received a number of phone calls, texts and emails from fellow athletes, including one from Brett Favre. Which simply said “The first time is the hardest.”

Game time temperature was 48 degrees in Miami for the Orange Bowl. But the Iowa Hawkeyes prevailed, despite the blazing heat. (Note to non-midwesterns, game time temp in Iowa City, minus 1 degrees, wind chill to -12.)

USC penalized their basketball program themselves after an internal investigation into recruiting violations regarding O.J. Mayo. In related news, the investigation into payments made to former Trojan Reggie Bush continues, and the NCAA hopes to wrap it up before Bush retires from the NFL.

The FAA suspended all flights in and out of Bakersfield airport Tuesday after “hazardous material” was found in luggage there. Americans were shocked. Bakersfield has an airport?

(note, the hazardous substance turned out to be honey. seriously. the weight loss fanatics are taking over…)

San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary said in a post-season news conference that his team is “just a few players away.” Unfortunately, those players are Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Ronnie Lott.

In the category of “wish I’d written this,” from Jerry Perisho:

South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford’s memoir about dealing with her husband’s affair will be released in February, rather than May as originally planned.… Mark Sanford’s Argentine mistress said, “A typical Sanford, always finishing early.”