Posted tagged ‘Penn State jokes’

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Tone deaf and dumb.

January 3, 2013

Wow, just wow. Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he “did not want the case to interfere with the football season.” Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place.

 

 

The Dow rose 308 points today. I blame Obama.

 

Can only what imagine what she expects of parenthood: Kim Kardashian says about being pregnant “it’s not as easy as people think.” Really?! Isn’t there some nice staple gay couple that might want to adopt her baby?

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ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap?

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Just maybe those SEC supremacists might want to tone down their gloating about other conferences?

 

Wonder after the Gators’  Sugar Bowl performance if the Big East will now extend an invitation to Florida?

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Another Sugar Bowl thought  -once again we saw a team that isn’t benefiting by having Tim Tebow on the sidelines.

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On a positive note,

Thanks to Mark and Gary who pointed out that Stanford’s David Shaw was the first African-American coach to win a BCS bowl game.  Well, now we have two.  Congrats to Charlie Strong.

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You have to wonder about Americans’ cooking skills when a package of frozen plastic wrapped fish fillets starts with the directions “Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Remove all packaging…”

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Many are commenting on how Hugh Hefner, 86, apparently forgave his new bride Crystal Harris, 26, for leaving him at the altar in 2011. Although isn’t it just as likely that Hef didn’t remember?

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Seven coaches fired Monday. And wonder how many of the NFL teams who decided they needed a fresh start will go about it by recycling one of those fired coaches?

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A report out of DC indicates that John Boehner at one point during fiscal cliff negotiations told Harry Reid to “go f*ck himself.” Who knew Boehner has aspirations to be Vice President?

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Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

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Starbucks will start selling a reusable plastic cup for $1 that will provide a 10 cent discount on any coffee drink. Wonder how long it will take until that discount becomes a surcharge on anyone who doesn’t bring the cup?

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A paparazzo was struck and killed by a car after taking pictures of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari in Los Angeles. And the singer wasn’t even driving it. Darwin would be so proud.

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You’re the one that I wanted, maybe.. if I could remember.

December 5, 2012

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta have reunited for a Christmas album and are appearing together to talk about “Grease,” which was 34 years ago. Of course, now the song starts “I’ve got chills, aches, a little fever, and did i tell you about my arthritis….?

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

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Penn State is investigating their Chi Omega sorority after they posted an offensive Mexican party photo with members wearing fake mustaches and signs saying things like “Will mow lawn for weed and beer.” Tacky and insensitive for sure, but good to see the university acting fast when it’s something REALLY important

 

Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths.

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While on a hunting trip this year, apparently Robin Yount accidentally hit Cubs manager Dale Sveum with shrapnel from a pellet gun. Gosh, never knew Yount had ambitions to run for vice president.

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Apparently irony is not in this man’s dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama – “he thinks somebody made him King,” and doesn’t know ‘where he stands in the universe.”

 

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Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with Mark Sanchez. Frustrated New York fans wonder how long the Jets will be sticking with Rex Ryan

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Kristin Cavallari is now confessing that most of the arguments and relationship on her former reality show “The Hills” were fake. Wow, next thing we know someone will be questioning the integrity of professional wrestling.

 

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Texting is 20 years old. Hard to imagine. This means in 1992 for college students to set up a booty call, they actually had to call.

 

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The Pope now has a Twitter account. Amazing how the Catholic Church is willing to change and adapt in the 21st century when it comes to technology but not with little things like women priests, celibacy, birth control….

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Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card.. Wow. That’s enough for at least a dozen lattes.

 

 

Cal just hired Louisiana Tech’s Sonny Dykes as their new football coach. And of course I am sure the Stanford band will treat his his coming from Louisiana, and his name with the utmost respect and decorum next year at halftime..

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Horsing around.

August 8, 2012

Mitt and Ann Romney’s horse “Rafalca” did not even advance to the individual finals in dressage. Who’s more disappointed? The Romneys? Or the Democrats, who were hoping for a photo op on the medal stand.

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Any truth to the rumor that “Rafalca” is an African word for “tax write off?”

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Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information.

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Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid’s accusations about Mitt Romney’s taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama’s birth certificate?

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First it was the trustees, now a group of former Penn State players has announced they are planning to appeal the sanctions against the football team. There’s clearly something in the water in State College’s river of denial.

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This year for the first time the Nittany Lions will have names on the back of their football jerseys. Well, better than adding the Penn State name to the front.

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The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That’s okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers…. Oops, wait, never mind. Rat b*stards.

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Random Olympic thought. The “Fastest Man in the World” would still end up as lunch for a pack of cheetahs.

(Nice add from Peter Crapo,  “Only if he was running alone.”

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If the S.F. Giants’ Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him.

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Newt Gingrich will apparently not speak at the GOP convention.  Delegates are content with the decision.  Comedy writers,  on the other hand….

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On the other side of the aisle,  Bill Clinton is speaking for the Democrats.  And Newt said “I think that will be a terrific opportunity for those of us who served with President Clinton to point out that Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton,”  Uh, except Gingrich as Speaker tried to IMPEACH Bill Clinton.

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T.C. on Michael Phelps’ decision to leave swimming  “Michael Phelps says he’s has left the pool forever.  BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him?”

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In the  “Olympic event most likely to cause lasting international repercussions” pool, who had the US vs. Canada  in women’s soccer?

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High times at the Olympics:

August 7, 2012

Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.

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NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”

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Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?

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Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.

(as Alex Schubert commented  –  “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.)  –

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In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”

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Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?

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There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt.  But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but  does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?

(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)

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Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.

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Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.

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More trenchant than funny.  But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.

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Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.

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Dark days:

July 23, 2012

The manager of a Colorado gun range turned the Aurora shooter down for membership because he seemed too weird and “creepy.”  Maybe someone should hire that guy for the next task force deciding how to authorize gun purchases.

 

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And as far as deadly weapons, some compare guns to cars.  And yes,  cars can kill people.  But to drive one in the U.S. you need an exam and a license.

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Trying to be fair, when pro-gun types imagine armed citizens at the Batman premiere in Aurora, they think ex-military or very highly trained civilians. Whereas those of us who don’t like guns think more like Plaxico Burress or George Zimmerman.

 

From Paul Seaburn:  Mitt Romney is leaving the U.S. this week to visit England, Israel, Poland and his money.

 

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The Oakland A’s 2012 payroll – $55 million. Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira’s 2012 salaries put together? Over $53 million. For New York Yankees fans this weekend, money not only couldn’t buy happiness, it couldn’t even buy a win.

 

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Just a bit unclear on the concept?  Former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz on the Penn State sanctions: “You’re talking about ruining the lives of people.”

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NCAA President Mark Emmert in announcing Penn State sanctions: “Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.” Wow. And he said it with a straight face.

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Another sad story. Sally Ride, 61, the first female astronaut, died today of pancreatic cancer. I had a “Major Matt Mason” astronaut action figure as a kid in the late 1960s….we couldn’t imagine you could have a female version.

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Ah perspective. With the vacated Penn State wins, now the winningest coach in D1 college football history is Bobby Bowden. Who has been often criticized over the years for running a program where bad things like illegally  free shoes were involved.

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From T.C.,    Will Pittsburgh join Chicago with the slogan “Da Bears?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scary thought: As different as the two candidates in the Presidential election are, and as much media coverage as there as been of both President Obama and Mitt Romney, our country’s future may lie in the hands of people who haven’t come close to making up their mind

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How many times can a man turn his head…?

July 22, 2012

Can we make  “Blowing in the Wind” the new Penn State fight song?

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The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said “I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university.” Uh, following upon a whole lot of SLIGHTLY more cowardly acts.

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Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno.    If/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa’s head buried in the sand?

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Reports are Penn State will not get the NCAA’s “death penalty.” Will they rename SMU “Chopped Liver” university?

(my friend Steve Moyer suggests  ” Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky.”)

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Yet another sadly ironic “Be careful what you wish for”: Batman director Nolan in EW worried about being lost amid the glut this summer – “I don’t want to be just another superhero movie.”

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And another serious thought:   Some pro-gun types are already saying that more people with guns inside the Aurora movie theater could have prevented many of the killings.   Uh,  while I hate guns,  I have gun owning friends, and believe responsible gun owners can defend themselves.  But in the dark, with a smoke bomb, and a lot of people in costume…. ?  In this case – more guns would equal a lot more dead.

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And okay, so the guy got the guns legally.  If we can’t change gun control laws can we at least change whatever laws allowed him to get 6,000 rounds of ammunition?   And/or maybe also figure out some way that when he buys the FOURTH gun within a few months that it doesn’t set off some alarms, somewhere?    (Heck,  Safeway can figure out if someone in your household used a promo coupon already in a week,  the airlines can figure out when you’re trying to get sign-up bonus miles under the same name with credit cards…shouldn’t be that hard.)

 

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What you’re most likely to hear in New York sports bars these days —  “Let’s go Yankees!”  and  “When does the NFL season start?”

Time to change the slogan to “Let’s Blow,  Mets?”

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Even Cubs fans are feeling sorry for Adam Scott.

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And the lighter side story of the day is a young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh,  PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears.  (It’s a light story because no one was harmed, including the bear.)
The possibilities are endless, but for starters:

Sears’ new slogan?  “The place to shop for the bear necessities?”

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Are the “Snakes on a plane” folks paying attention?  “Bears in a mall” should be equally appealing?

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“Bears in a mall” has particular comic possibilities… especially if one chomps on a Kardashian.

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More suggestions encouraged.

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Comings and goings,

July 18, 2012

Kris Humphries signed a two-year deal to stay with the Brooklyn Nets. Leave it to the Kardashians to make the NBA look like a bastion of committed relationships.

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Russell R. Wasendorf Sr. is being investigated for allegedly stealing more than $200 million from customer accounts at Iowa’s Peregrine Financial Group. Wasendorf blames the fraud on “mean spirited” regulators trying to put him out of business. And Bernie Madoff said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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The FDA has approved a new diet drug pill for the first time in over a decade. Wonder if the instructions include “Hold steadily and firmly between the lips?”

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Apparently the New York Knicks will let Jeremy Lin go. If Jeremy really loves Manhattan as much as he says, sounds like the real Lin-sanity might have been that offer sheet he signed with Houston.

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Now the rumor again is the Dwight Howard may be heading to the Los Angeles Lakers. This trade process has lasted longer than most NBA players’ college careers.

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So Jeremy’s signed with the Houston Rockets. In New York terms – “I’m mov-Lin out?

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Latest GOP anti-Obama ad is about ‘crony-capitalism’ alleging the President gave preferential treatment to companies run or invested in by donors. Uh, where was this outrage with say, Enron or Halliburton?

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But really?  Crony capitalism?”  Isn’t it supposed to be “crony socialism?”-

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Senator John McCain said Mitt Romney’s tax returns had nothing to do with his decision on choosing a running mate, saying he chose Sarah Palin because she was a “better candidate.” Guess he could be right.

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Delta Airlines still trying to explain the needles in their sandwiches. Ryan Air would have charged extra for the sewing kit.

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Needles on a plane? Or at least in your sandwiches. Moral of story, beware of airline snacks that promise sharp cheese.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “An artist made an amazing sand sculpture of Fenway Park–it included Bobby Valentine burying his head in it”

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Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner apparently is thinking of running for mayor of New York.  He allegedly already has donations, from the first SuperPAC founded and run by comedy writers.

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This week is SEC media days. Where at Arkansas they have to deal with the sudden departure of football coach Bobby Petrino following a midnight motorcycle crash with his mistress.   The Razorbacks motto this year? “At least we aren’t Penn State.”

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Well, we now know the 2012 Tour de France is really in full swing. A rider (Frank Schleck of Luxembourg) has failed a doping test.

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In-Decision.

July 16, 2012

The Dwight Howard potential trade mess drags on, and on…. At this point Howard might have a better reputation if he had just made a decision and announced it on an ESPN special.

 

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As #Retroactive retirement now becomes part of the controversy over when exactly Mitt Romney left Bain, some GOP leaders have to be thinking “Wait a minute, John McCain was supposed to be the candidate with the memory problem.”

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Actually is it too soon to nominate “retroactive retirement” as the phrase of the year?

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With all this discussion as to whether or not Penn State’s football program should at least temporarily receive the “Death Penalty,”  here’s a question – if it had been a school without the national reputation and bowl records, would this even be a debate?

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On the first pitch of Sundays SF Giants Houston Astros game,   Jordan Schafer tried to bunt to break up Cain’s perfect game.

(he bunted foul, and ended up making an out,  but Cain gave up a hit in the third.)

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A 3-year-old Indiana boy apparently accidentally shot and killed his father after finding the man’s loaded handgun. Stand by for the NRA’s announcement – “Guns don’t kill people, toddlers kill people.”

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Mitt Romney released a negative ad against President Obama accusing him of negativity. Standby for the next Obama ad accusing Romney of going negative in response to their criticism, and then the next negative Romney ad in response to that…. (Sometimes it’s nice not to live in a swing state.)

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Looks like Jeremy Lin is heading to Houston. Standby for “Y’aLL-insanity.”

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Jason Kidd arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a light pole last night. Over-under on the number of “driving the lane” jokes this week?

(From Marty Burtwell, “he had one too many triple-doubles.”)

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Rolling Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary last week. With perhaps a rousing chorus of “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want?”

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Actress Celeste Holm has passed away at the age of 95. This is shocking. Celeste Holm was still alive?

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Statue of limitations?

July 15, 2012

Penn State at this point says they will not take down the Joe Paterno statue.  Makes a certain amount of sense. The statue isn’t any guiltier than Joe-Pa was of doing nothing to stop Jerry Sandusky.

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So now Jeremy Lin, who Knicks coach Mike Woodsen said last week would be New York’s starting point guard, may end up in Houston. Or maybe the Knicks are just playing hard to get. Anyone else find all this drama more interesting than the NBA regular season?

 

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The SF Giants may not have bounties but they are breaking more opposing players than the New Orleans Saints.  (Saturday night,  the Houston Astros’ Jed Lowrie with an ankle strain.)

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Nice job for Tim Lincecum tonight (even if a freak play-wild pitch on a strikeout plus an error – allowed tying run to score from second cost him a win).   Who needs a Triple A “rehab” start when you can play the Houston Astros.

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Fed up with an unusually rainy several months, the London Times declared in a recent editorial: “Let us make our position crystal clear: We are against this weather.” Hey, if it works maybe we should try this in the US.

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The New York Yankees have the best record in baseball, and the most home runs. But they no doubt will grab a couple more stars at the trade deadline. The team stockpiles players like some women buy shoes.

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Mitt Romney is saying that Obama ads about his time at Bain “beneath the dignity of the president and his campaign.” Guess he thinks such ads should be left to “nonprofit” Super PACS?

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Penn State has announced plans to renovate their football locker room shower room after the Sandusky scandal. Dynamite would be a good start.

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Ah technology. If you waitlist an upgrade on United Airlines these days, and change the flight, the waitlist automatically stays in for the ORIGINAL flight. So you can be confirmed in first or business flight on a plane you are no longer taking. What could possibly go wrong….

(for starters, the computer can cancel your new flight and put you back on the flight you changed from, even if you paid the penalty to reissue the ticket….)

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Of mice and men who made mice look good….

July 13, 2012

Pretty scathing report out of Penn State. They didn’t even try to transfer Sandusky to a different parish.

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One of the more disgusting sidelights of this Penn State scandal: The university had no problem keeping Sandusky around and protecting Paterno etc.. But had the team had several seasons in a row without a bowl bid, PSU would have fired them all and changed the locks.

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A paraphrase of a great line in a novel – who is my first reader to get the reference? “You can go to the showers, Jerry. That was what evil was – – as easy at that! But afterwards you went on remembering…”

(Hint, only substituted words are “showers”, “Jerry”, and “evil”)

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All kidding aside the best single line to sum up the Penn State fiasco might be from an 18th century Irishman, Edmund Burke: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

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Apparently in the UK, women trying to make their own fake Christian Louboutins, have caused sales of glossy red paint to soar. (Yes, I am aware this post is Greek to most men. Figured I’d write one for my women friends who don’t like sports and have said they have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.)

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Politicians will be barred from speaking at this year’s commemoration ceremony on the anniversary of the 2001 terror attacks, according to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum. Wonder how many people will tune in to see if Rudy Guiliani explodes.

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Mitt Romney hasn’t blamed President Obama yet for the U.S. Olympic team uniforms being made in China. Has he been too busy? Or does he remember that when he organized the 2002 games the uniforms were made by Roots? A company from Canada.

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Very un- PC department – but T.C., who dared me to post this, is Asian-Canadian:

The U.S Congress is fuming that the official US Olympic Uniforms were made in China.   Berets, blazers and pants could have been made by local textile industries who are struggling. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev said they should be put into a big pile and set on fire. No argument here – who wants to wear gear that says “United States of Amellica” and “Lalph Rauren”?

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Steven Tyler says he is leaving American Idol to go back to his music : “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band.” Uh, at this point more like banging the door open with his walker.

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Kobe Bryant says this year’s USA Olympic basketball team could’ve beaten the 1992 Dream Team. Really? I’m not sure this year’s team can even beat  Spain.

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A D.C. motorcycle officer who was a White House escort has been reassigned to desk duties after he made a “bad joke” about shooting Michelle Obama with a picture of a gun on his cellphone. The Secret Service says now it was not a real threat. Good thing. But sounds like the guy is too stupid to be on the streets anyway.

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Oklahoma, More than O.K.

June 7, 2012

How young are the Oklahoma City Thunder? For example, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant, both 24, are basically the same age Mark Madsen was during his senior year playing basketball at Stanford.

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On the other hand, how old are the San Antonio Spurs?  Well, they won’t win the NBA championship, but at least the team’s playoff winnings should be supplemented by Medicare.

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Jeb Bush said in an interview today that he probably should have run for president in 2012: “This was probably my time.,” Translation “These clowns in the primary made even my brother look smart by comparison.”

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Some seem surprised that most of the Sandusky jurors have ties to Penn State. Uh, folks, the trial is in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, population 6,187, 12 miles from the PSU campus. Why else would you move there WITHOUT ties to Penn State?

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Sports fans in Los Angeles may not normally pay much attention to hockey. But they are really getting into this idea of a Kings sweep to win the Stanley Cup. In fact, when asked on Wednesday,  many of them said they can’t wait for  the night’s kickoff.

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Ya think Bill Clinton still misses the presidential limelight? At this point it would be a close call to measure him and Donald Trump for the larger ego.

June 6 was the 44th anniversary of the death of RFK after he was assassinated following the California primary. Had he lived, Kennedy would be 87 years old. Or as Larry King would say “Still a mere child.”

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In the latest installment of the second Roger Clemens perjury trial, a expert paid by the defense testified that Clemens’ DNA found on a syringe needle could have been placed there intentionally. Here’s the real question at this point. Is there anyone left in America who really cares anymore? –

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45 people were just indicted in Puerto Rico for drug smuggling. American Airlines employees were allegedly transporting and loaded suitcases filled with cocaine to the cargo area, and putting them on flights to Miami, Orlando and Newark. Hmm, was it a tip off that the luggage handlers were working really really fast?

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Regarding Wisconsin: I am no fan of Scott Walker, but it still strikes me that recalls are a waste of money. You have buyer’s remorse, wait until the next election and think about your vote more carefully the next time.

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There’s no place like no home.

January 7, 2012

Much buzz about the fact the Tiger’s ex-wife Elin bought, then knocked down, a $12 million Florida mansion. Wonder if she got a discount on the demolition for helping out with her own golf clubs?

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Regarding that $12 million mansion Elin Nordegren bought and has had demolished, the 17,000 sq. ft. home had six bedrooms with a pool, a beach, and eight bathrooms. According to North Palm Beach town planners – Elin’s reason, it didn’t have enough space for her and her family.

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Thirty two college football bowl games down. 3 to go. Maybe time to remake that old Chicago song. “Does anybody really know what time it is. Does anybody really care?

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There are rumors that this may be Ryan Seacrest’s last year “American Idol” host..” As Seacrest’s expiring $15 million a year contract extension may be viewed as too much money. Would Ryan re-negotiate? We’ll find out, after the break.

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The Letterman’s Club, a Penn State alumni group, is upset that newly hired football head coach Bill O’Brien has is not a “Penn Stater” (i.e., someone with a history at the school.) Uh, at this point, isn’t that the best chance the university has to actually hire someone clean?

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The Sugar Bowl had a chance to take any at-large teams, and passed on Stanford. Not to mention top-ten ranked Kansas State and Arkansas. They wanted Michigan and Virginia Tech because their fans “travelled.” Total Sugar Bowl attendance, about 64,500. Total Fiesta Bowl attendance, about 69.500.

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La Redoute, a French clothing company, had an “oops” moment with a new ad on their website. It showed a photo of four children in beach clothes, but in the background off in the distance…a naked man. Guess that answers the question – “What is Jerry Sandusky doing now?”

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NBC’s entertainment chairman said the network had “a really bad fall.” What, as opposed to their really bad winter, spring and summer?

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A 17-year old from South Carolina babysitter has been arrested after giving a Xanax to 4-year old girl. Her excuse was she wanted to get the child to calm down and take a nap. Millions of Americans just hope the babysitters’s arrest doesn’t stand in the way of her pursuing a career as a flight attendant.

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A British survey found that women tell on average 474 lies a year – nine a week, about the kinds of food they eat and the amount they drink. You know what that means – the women lied to the survey takers too.

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Oregon’s LaMichael James is going to declare for the NFL draft. Undaunted, the Ducks will no doubt go down to juvenile hall to recruit another replacement.

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Mattel is coming out with Kardashian Barbie dolls. The dolls will apparently be very realistic copies of the sisters – albeit with less plastic.

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When the lights go down in the city.

December 20, 2011

The Monday Night Football game between the 49ers and Steelers was delayed tonight due to a blown transformer. Biggest power outage involving San Francisco sports since the Giants were batting.

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In fact, a second power outage of the night stopped the already delayed game for about 20 minutes at Candlestick. The only people smiling are those behind the efforts to move the team to a new stadium in Santa Clara.

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Said my friend Tammy Serna from the game – ” Now we know how Raider fans feel (blacked out).”

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Nice win for the 49ers tonight. But to be honest, Big Ben didn’t look to be in good enough shape even to score on a co-ed.

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All kinds of potential songs to set the video of the 49ers-Steelers game to -“Lights”, “Back in Black,” “You don’t see me….”

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They have smart guys at Stanford. Great answer from former Cardinal and current 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh when asked what it was like in the San Francisco locker room when the lights went out. “It was dark.”

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House Republicans are heading towards a pre-Christmas showdown about the payroll tax with President Obama. But in a chicken game about getting home for the holidays, Obama may well win — he doesn’t need to get a reservation on a commercial plane.

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A Marist poll of over 1,000 Americans found the most annoying word of 2011 is “Whatever.” Said most Americans under 30 – “Whatever.”
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The South Korea military is on full alert after the death of Kim John Il. Maybe, considering how well North Korea does everything else, they are a little worried about any potential funeral fireworks show.

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A Northern California man who has fathered 14 children as a free sperm donor has been told to cease and desist. The FDA has he could face a $100,000 fine or prison time because he’s giving away his sperm without the proper blood tests. Uh, someone better rein in this government agency before it decimates the NBA.

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Another example of why procrastination can be a good thing. Think of all those people who sent in their 2012 Death Lotto’s with Kim Jong Il high on the list.

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From Paul Seaburn: Somewhere in hell, Osama bin Laden looked up, saw Kim Jong Il arrive and said, “Are you my virgin?”

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Up in Canada, the Quebec government is upset because the Montreal Canadiens hired an interim coach who can’t speak French. Big deal, down in the U.S. we’ve elected a President who can’t speak English.

(and a Governor of California)

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A Marist poll of over 1,000 Americans found the most annoying word of 2011 is “Whatever.” Said most Americans under 30 – “Whatever.”

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Newt Gingrich’s stay at the top of the Republican polls may be over. I don’t agree with Michelle Bachmann on much, but her “flavor of the month” line about the GOP primary appears to be right on. (Except when someone is only the flavor of the week.)

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Surging in the polls, Jon Huntsman is up to TWO percent in the last CNN GOP primary poll. This puts him only seven percent behind “undecided.”

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Penn State Quarterback Matt McGloin is taking full responsibility for his locker room fight with Curtis Drake. Amazing. Someone at Penn State is taking responsibility for something?

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Meanwhile, as Jerry Sandusky keeps talking about “horsing around,” the equine community has filed a grievance -they want their word back.

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The Jets-Giants rivalry game is six days away, and Rex Ryan has already started on the “we’re better” talk. And if this matchup doesn’t decide anything presumably players from both teams can have a “Words With Friends” game during the Super Bowl.

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Kobe locked out?

December 18, 2011

In Vanessa Bryant’s statement that she and Kobe are divorcing, she asks for “privacy during this difficult time.” Not that I wish the woman any harm, but if she wanted privacy, she should have married someone other than Kobe Bryant.

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Wonder what happened between the Bryants? Did the lockout dent Kobe’s jewelry budget?

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There are rumors that the Lakers’ star’s infidelities just got to be too much. Who’d a thunk Kobe would get in trouble for too many passes.
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The Des Moines Register, a paper that endorsed John McCain in 2008, has given a reserved endorsement this year to Mitt Romney. The musical background to this endorsement, presumably, “Making the Best of a Bad Situation,” or “Love the One You’re With.”

(or as my friend Melodi says “Clowns on the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, “Stuck in the Middle with You!”)

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Mitt Romney said of Congress that “It’s hard to expect a bunch of kitty cats to all come together and march in lock step. The only way to herd cats is to have a leader.” Cats following ANY leader? Sounds like the man who drove on vacation with the family dog strapped to the roof of his car knows as much about felines as he does about canines.

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Newt Gingrich acknowledged in Iowa that his GOP rivals’ attacks have taken a toll on his campaign. Newt says he hasn’t heard vitriol like this since he divorced his last two wives.

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The Gildan New Mexico Bowl between Temple and Wyoming Saturday was the first of 35 bowls this year. If you watch all of them, heck, if you can NAME all of them, you might need a life”
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The Rose Bowl promotes itself as the “Grandaddy of all Bowls.” If true, does that make the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl and Advocare 100 Independence Bowl two of the “Weird Cousins of all Bowls?

Anyone know who won Saturday’s bowl games? Me neither.

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From T.C. One of these things is not like the other…..

The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, The Beef O’Brady Bowl, Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, Chick Fil-A Bowl, The Outback Bowl, Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, The Fight Hunger Bowl.

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Apparently the Playboy issue featuring Lindsay Lohan isn’t selling very well. Makes sense, most Americans, men included, think they’ve seen too much of Lindsay already.

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Some say it will be difficult to convict Penn State officials of anything, since perjury is so hard to prove. Well, if the government can spend millions to convict an athlete for misleading statements about how he played a game, they can sure get these b*stards.

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Penn State Police have reported they were called to investigate a locker room fight between quarterback Matt McGloin and receiver Curtis Drake. Shocking! Penn State Police know where the locker room is?

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Stumbling towards the weekend.

December 10, 2011

Penn State’s “Office of Licensing Programs” issued a letter to vendors saying effective immediately “Penn State will no longer approve any designs featuring Mr. Paterno’s name, likeness, and/or image.” Shame when the abuse allegations first came to light that the university wasn’t so quick to sever all ties to Jerry Sandusky.

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Rick Perry’s latest math gem – referring to the “eight unelected and frankly unaccountable judges” on the Supreme Court. Well, to be fair, nine is a much bigger number than three.

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Perry also referred to Supreme Court justice Sonya Sotomayor as “Montemayor.” Who knew, in a few short years another Texas governor would make George W. look articulate.

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A lot of controversy now over whether Browns QB Colt McCoy should have been allowed back in the game after a helmet on helmet hit from the Steelers James Harrison. Some say now that McCoy wasn’t coherent. But that never stopped Terry Bradshaw.

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Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, in criticizing the proposed Chris Paul to the Lakers trade said “When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?”

Actually, Gilbert was wrong. 16 NBA teams make the playoffs every year. We should only consider changing the name of 14 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals.

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UCLA forward Reeves Nelson has now been dismissed from the team. This for bad behavior during his second suspension from the team this year. (And missing a team flight to Maui.) So Nelson’s punishment? Not playing for a team that is second from last in the Pac-12, and hanging out playing pickup games until the NBA draft. Rough.

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Men’s Health magazine declared the “Hottest Woman of all Time” to be…. Jennifer Aniston. Okay, now maybe as a straight woman I’m not a good judge, but most of my male friends didn’t even think Jennifer Aniston was the hottest woman on “Friends.”

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In threatening to cancel his debate, Donald Trump said he was particularly upset with Michele Bachmann for dropping out, because she’d come to see him four times and he had helped promote her as a candidate. Said the Donald, it’s actually called “loyalty.” Interesting choice of words from a man who’s been married 3 times.

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Jon Stewart said “Thank you, Jesus” when he heard about Donald Trump moderating a debate. Now Trump may cancel the debate because only Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are participating. Guess Jesus figured we needed to be satisfied with Tim Tebow.

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A woman was arrested in a Tulsa Walmart, allegedly for trying to mix meth using chemicals she found in the store. Was she busted for doing something illegal, or for potentially undercutting Walmart’s meth prices?

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Ohio State still awaits word on possible football sanctions for “failure to monitor” their program. But OSU did get a NCAA special waiver to let incoming coach 2012 Urban Meyer begin recruiting. (Otherwise he would put them over the limit of allowed coaches.) This gives the Buckeyes a nice head start over teams with coaches in bowl games. Can’t imagine how the NCAA gets the image of favoring big conferences.

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So maybe we should talk about NBA players wearing helmets? Golden State Warriors guard Charlie Bell was jailed for several hours yesterday when he showed up for a court hearing legally drunk. The hearing was for his DUI case. (Really. You cannot make this “stuff” up.)

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Kim Kardashian’s had a special “limited edition” (only 1000 bottles produced) LOVE perfume created for her wedding. Now the fragrance is part of a holiday gift set at Macy’s. Guess the “limited” part was as real as the marriage.

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Occupy Wall Street members in New York staged a protest that shut down production of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” Wonder how long it will take for the show to write an episode about it.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tom Cruise wants to make a sequel to ‘Top Gun’ 25-years later; in this one Cruise shakes his fist at the bogeys and yells; “Slow down, punks, this is a neighborhood.”

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Follow up thoughts.

Does Cruise scream “I feel the need, for a pee?

or “You punks get off my tarmac?”

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In the Pen, State

December 1, 2011

Joe Amendola, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer now says he might have to talk to his client at some point about pleading guilty to charges of child sex abuse.

Not that things weren’t bad enough before, but when your lawyer who married his 16 year old CLIENT after he got her pregnant (true, you can google it) thinks you’re too guilty to defend, well it’s probably over.

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So what did coaches like Joe Paterno and Joe Boeheim really say during those recruiting trips? – “Yeah we’ll carefully look after your sons, but you’d better guard their little brothers on visiting weekends.”

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The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports that interim coach Tom Bradley will be in charge of the Penn State football team through this year’s bowl game. Translation, as if we could find someone else to step into the middle of this mess.

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LSU coach Les Miles stands to make over $6 million this year with bonuses, further assuring the coach will stay in Baton Rouge instead of considering an pro job. Plus there’s the major advantage in getting new players in the SEC as opposed to the NFL. Juvenile records can be expunged.

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Anyone missing the NBA regular season at this point? Me neither.

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Kris Humphries now wants his marriage to Kim Kasdashian annulled, saying that it was a “fraud.” Making him perhaps the last person in America who paid attention to the marriage to figure that out.

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A Utah hunter is recovering after being shot in the buttocks when his dog stepped on a shotgun that he had laid across the bow of his boat. Guess that’s what he gets for having named the pooch “Cheney.”

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Herman Cain told Fox News he is indeed “reassessing” his campaign saying the accusations are ” constantly weighing on me and my family, especially my family, because it continues to stir in the news.” You think he might have thought his actions may have weighed on his family…?
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Meanwhile, Cain today told his supporters to “stay informed because … stupid people are running America.” Not necessarily disagreeing with him, but some even stupider people WANT to be running America.

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For Herman Cain, maybe it’s not taxes but attractive women he should have approached with the plan “Nein, nein, nein.”

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Barry Zito is apparently getting married. Well, for a change, and for his sake, let’s hope this one actually turns out to be a successful long-term contract.

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Apparently Tampa QB Josh Freeman had a minor accident and injury at a shooting range earlier this season. Freeman has thrown 16 interceptions this year; sounds like he’s as accurate with a gun as he is with a football.

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Cain touched this?

November 30, 2011

Herman Cain said he didn’t have a affair, but he simply helped a friend financially. Instead of a “Sugar Daddy” does that make him a “Sugar Cain?”

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Who says there’s no American ingenuity anymore? San Francisco supervisors voted to ban free toys in children’s meal. And McDonald’s is complying, by charging 10 cents for a Happy Meal toy. (All proceeds going to build a SF Ronald McDonald house for sick children.)

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Rick Perry warned that if elected he will deal with uncooperative federal workers by reassigning them “to some really God-awful place.” Well, at least Perry didn’t say he’d go postal on them.

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Wouldn’t it be fun if one of Herman Cain’s girlfriends was named “Nina-Nina-Nina?”

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Herman Cain apparently told his staff Tuesday he is “reassessing” the viability of his campaign after Ginger White’s allegations of their 13 year affair. “Say it ain’t so” cried the nation’s comedy writers.

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Maybe Newt Gingrich is smarter than we thought. Get all the affairs (that we know off) out of the way years before running for office. Americans have short memories and they love repented sinners.

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Rick Perry spoke to a group of New Hampshire college students and told them he’d “appreciate their vote if they were turning 21 by Nov. 12.” (The election is Nov 6, 2012.) Good thing Perry forgot the third thing he was going to tell them.

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Ann Coulter was bleeped out on MSNBC this morning when she appeared to call John McCain (R-Ariz) a “douche bag.” Was she bleeped for the language, or because MSNBC thinks either Gingrich, Cain or Romney is the real “douche bag?”

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American Airlines declared bankruptcy this morning. Wonder how long it will take them to turn that into a ticket surcharge.

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Hardest speechwriting job amongst those writing for GOP primary candidates -writing for Mitt Romney. He/she doesn’t just need to contradict the words of other candidates, but also to contradict the words of the old Romney.

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The Chicago Cubs are apparently in the running for Albert Pujols. Guess new GM Theo Epstein figures now that Pujols has a ring, he might want to spend more time with his family and have Octobers off.

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Dr. Conrad Murray got a four year jail sentence today. Wonder how many days or weeks that is in Lindsay Lohan sentence years.

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Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell fired the team’s defensive coordinator and announced a QB change, saying “We feel this is the most effective and realistic way to move forward and win games this season.” Yes, that’s “games” Plural. If this coaching gig doesn’t work out Caldwell has a great future in stand-up comedy.

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One of many questions about the various college football scandals, from Syracuse and Penn State to the more mundane ones about money. How do these smart coaches always claim their focus is all on their “kids,” but at the same time claim they have zero idea of anything bad that might be going on?

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Actually are coaches at major universities becoming the better paid equivalent of political wives? “Of course I had no reason to suspect him….”

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Choices, foolish and otherwise:

November 29, 2011

Bus to hell thought of the day: The least popular Christmas gift this year? Penn State children’s pajamas.

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Football coach Rick Neuheisel, who was fired from the University of Washington for betting on March Madness, has been fired now from UCLA for incompetence. Neuheisel is really bummed, he had Dec 4 in the pool.

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Meanwhile, so if coaching Florida was too stressful for Urban Meyer, how is Ohio State going to be better? Did the Columbus police promise not to arrest his players?

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The NBA has apparently decided to start the season on Christmas Day. Many sports fans were hoping for another holiday start date – like Easter.

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Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice.

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A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not “be questioned about his or her private sexual life.” Right, it’s just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage.

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We’ll see how these latest Cain allegations play out. But anyone but me think a sexual allegation might actually HELP Mitt Romney? Of course, most people have a hard time believing Mittens has even had sex with his own wife.

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So the BCS championship game is likely to be LSU-Alabama. SEC schools, who will share in a huge payment, should be happy. Television advertisers, who just hope fans outside the South watch the whole game, are just praying that someone can Occupy the End Zone.

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The National Weather Service issued a fog advisory in the San Francisco Bay area Monday morning. Meaning conditions will be dangerous on many roads and bridges. The fog was so low and dense many drivers had a hard time seeing clearly to text.

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The woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers at Walmart now says it was “self-defense.” Wonder if the judge in the case will consider dropping the charges in exchange for the defendant accompanying him or her on a Christmas Eve shopping trip?

(added my friend Steven Harmon, “well, unlike the UC Davis police, she WAS being hemmed in by a large and unruly crowd.”

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Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback apologized and said his staff overreacted to an 18 year old girl tweeting her friends that he “sucked.” Hard to believe Brownback is a father of five, he should know most teenagers think ALL adults suck.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner — “Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair, saying actually “It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days.”

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Another one doesn’t bite the dust.

November 20, 2011

But numbers #2 and #4, and #5 and #7 sure did.

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Lee Corso’s “F*** it” comment today on College Game Day is going viral. In Corso’s defense he says was just previewing what BCS executives are saying to each other tonight looking at what’s left of their top 10.

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In Eugene, Oregon still had BCS title hopes alive until the last second, with a chance to tie USC and put the game into overtime, but their field goal attempt sailed wide left. Who do the Ducks think they are, Florida State?

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Ugly win in ugly weather for Stanford over Cal. But Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Oregon and Clemson would trade places with the Cardinal tonight.

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Meanwhile, Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named to the NCAA’s Academic All American first team. The response from most of the SEC “Academic? Is that like part of the Academy Awards or something?”

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Meanwhile Penn State beat Ohio State. Sad to think that a month ago this would have made fans of clean football programs happy.

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Old Navy goofed up earlier this year with “Lets go” football shirts (no hyphen). Now Victoria’s Secret came out with a “Hail to the Victors” shirt. Except that the shirt is green, and says “Go Spartans”…. (Don’t know if they’re more offended in Ann Arbor or Lansing.)

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If President Obama wants a big jump in his approval ratings maybe he should consider an executive order making the BCS unconstitutional. (The SEC is all red states anyway.)

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Meanwhile, happy belated birthday (Saturday) to V.P. Joe Biden. Hard to believe it was just a few short years ago that he was considered to be the politician most likely to embarrass himself by opening his mouth.

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Joe Paterno’s son Jay said Friday that while his world has turned “upside down” in the past two weeks, “We’ve got to make sure we keep focus on the victims of this whole tragedy.”

Uh, isn’t Jerry Sandusky saying there are no victims?

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Jon Huntsman appeared on SNL Saturday night, and was funny, self-deprecating, and articulate. On a night with Kermit the Frog and some Muppets on the show, Hunstman showed again why this Republican primary is calling for a rousing chorus of “One of these things is not like the other.”

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Newt Gingrich has apparently received millions from companies he has “advised” in Washington since leaving Congress. Well, since as a man with three wives Gingrich is defending traditional marriage, why can’t he also run as an insider who wants to reform Washington?

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Mitt Romney said this weekend – “I’m not looking for the next step in my political career. I don’t have a political career.” Paraphrased, “I’m blaming everything I supposedly said and did in Massachusetts on my evil twin.”

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It’s shaping up to be a great Sunday for football fans in Indianapolis – the Colts have a bye week.

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Finally tonight’s “bus to hell” comment courtesy of T.C. “NCAA announces plans for the 1st annual Churchill Downs Horseplayers Bowl: Penn St vs Syracuse.”

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Lack of control?

November 19, 2011

The NCAA says today they are now investigating Penn State’s “exercise of institutional control over its intercollegiate athletics programs.” “What took you so long” said former officials from FEMA.

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Urban Meyer left his head coaching job at Florida after the 2009 season due to “health concerns.” Now he is rumored to be the next head coach at Ohio State. Maybe he’s recovered, or maybe he’s decided that after the Penn State scandal, tattoo and compensation scandals are potentially a lot less stressful than they used to be.
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Major League Baseball apparently has a labor agreement in place that will last until 2016. No strikes this time, not even the threat of a strike. Maybe this is one of the reasons MLB is losing ground to other professional sports – not enough drama.

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Another day, another massive lettuce recall, this time California’s Ready Pac Foods. Maybe pizza actually is one of the healthier vegetables.

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Okay, so Tim Tebow’s won a few games. But he has completely ruined Broncos GM (and Stanford grad) John Elway’s “SuckforLuck” strategy.

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The Columbia band, previously banned from the field for making fun of their football team’s 0-9 record, has been reinstated for Saturday’s season finale. In a statement the band said “We look forward to honoring the senior class — both on the football team and in the band — and cheering the Columbia Lions on to victory.” (Privately band members added, “Well, two out of three ain’t bad.”)

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Jon Stewart last night talked about the ever-changing GOP frontrunners and called Newt Gingrich is the “latest ‘zombie’ candidate who doesn’t know he’s already dead.” Stewart’s already received an angry demand for an apology – from the zombie union.

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Have to figure both Stanford and Cal football coaches will tell their players to think about Okla State – Iowa State game tomorrow.

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Congrats to the Iowa State Cyclones. Watching the post-game celebration, I think the entire population of Ames, Iowa was on the field.

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Now there is only one top-level undefeated college football team (LSU, apologies to the University of Houston), and a slew of one-loss teams. Gosh, if only there were some way to have a post-season that might determine a real champion.

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McDonald’s cut off their relationship with their previous egg supplier over claims of animal cruelty. McRib fans don’t have to worry, as there is no evidence the sandwich contains any sort of meat.

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Regarding the new movies “Breaking Dawn” and “The Descendants,” what’s more unbelievable? That a woman would marry a vampire? Or that a woman would cheat on George Clooney?

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Open note to all those people who seem to think Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore because he was younger than she was…. That doesn’t exactly explain Donald Trump, Newt Gringrich, JFK…

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A potential Christmas stocking stuffer this year is the bendable Sarah Palin action figure. Of course, for those last-minute types, the not yet released Mitt Romney figure will be able to bend into a lot more positions.

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Herman Cain is now suggesting the Taliban is part of the new Libyan government. Forget 9-9-9, his new campaign slogan should be “better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than speak out and remove all doubt.”

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Missouri football coach Gary Pinkel pleaded guilty to drunken driving today, two hours after he was formally charged. The assistant prosecutor said he wanted to “get the case resolved and accept responsibility for his actions”, which was “definitely unusual.” No kidding, accountability in college football? What a concept.

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Bush to hell section. (And okay, anyone who found my blog looking for Penn State jokes already bought their ticket):

So it won’t be “Boyz II Men” playing at any Penn State bowl game.

Here are some songs we won’t hear at halftime of any Nittany Lions bowl game:

Oops I did it again.

Get closer,

Close to you

Where the Boys are.

Touch me in the morning.

(And of course with these bus to hell moments, more suggestions encouraged.)

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