Posted tagged ‘hockey jokes’

Gold and goaled.

February 22, 2018

Kawhi Leonard may be out for year. Damn, as a liberal Spurs fan I miss days when that would be most depressing news of the week.

Although if Spurs end up 3rd seed in West without Kawhi, Popovich should be a unanimous coach of the year.

Don’t care who wins, shootouts are still a sucky way to determine a hockey gold medal.

But seriously, these women have worked for years to make it to Olympics.   For a gold medal they can’t let them play until someone scores a REAL goal in overtime?

Mikaela Shiffrin brought 35 pairs of skis to Olympics.  Ah, but how many pairs of shoes did she bring?

 

Billy Graham prayed with every President since Truman during their presidency. Except Donald Trump. Why I am not surprised?

That moment when the President of the United States needs a cue card to pretend to be human…

 

At least Marco Rubio did the CNN Town Hall without cue cards.

The kids are more than alright. The kids are damn impressive. #ParklandStudentsSpeak

So would Right-wing trolls please explain how they think high school kids aren’t old enough to advocate for gun control but they are old enough to buy AR-15s?

Florence Yared, 17 yr-old Parkland survivor to Congress “Soon we will be able to vote, and we will vote you out.” You go girl!

Trump today “If you had a teacher who was adept with firearms, they could end the attack very quickly.” Could those armed teachers start with the attack on the education budget?

So maybe we can take a lead from Betsy Devos and protect schools with trained grizzly bears? #Beararms

NRA’s Dana Loesch says you should be able to buy any gun you want “if you are not a danger to yourself or your community.” The Vegas shooter didn’t seem like a danger. Until he was….

Marco Rubio has 2 teenage & 2 pre-teen children. Yeah, I’m an optimist but it seems like maybe these kids got to him tonight. #StudentsStandUp

While Texas superintendent threatens to suspend students from class 3 days for protesting gun violence, kids in Parkland have missed 5+ days of class because their school is an active crime scene.

Donald Trump wants teachers to bravely take on shooters in schools….while he’s not even brave enough to take on media at press conferences

Crimes of opportunity, or lack thereof?

April 23, 2016

So if it’s a felony to use a bathroom that isn’t your birth gender’s then I and a lot of women who have gotten impatient at sporting events and restaurants etc.are multiple felons.

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ get big win, ‪#‎Duffy‬ gets 3 hits on his bobblehead night. Imagine what they could do with ‪#‎Skeeter‬ bobblehead night. ‪#‎duffcat35‬

duffcat2

 

Gregor #‎Blanco‬ in one game has become ‪#‎SFGiants‬ leader in triples. ‪#‎baseballisaweirdgame‬

#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬ ‪#‎wedontneednostinkinDH‬ Peavy joins the party tonight.  A friend pointed out that SF Giants pitchers have as many hits – nine – as Albert Pujols.

So as the NBA considers outlawing the “hack” strategy of intentionally fouling bad free-throw shooters, here’s another idea: Why doesn’t the league require anyone shooting under 50-60% percent from the line to start shooting free throws underhanded?

 

Apparently NHL postseason viewership is down nearly two-thirds across Canada since no Canadian teams are in the playoffs. And in the U.S. many sports fans are going “the NHL is having playoffs?

 

ESPN reported that after the University of Miami’s spring game last week, Hurricanes coach Mark Richt urged his players to help each other stay out of trouble and avoid negative headlines. Today the team suspended RB Mark Walton for a DUI arrest last night. Imagine what he might have done without the warning.

Marco Rubio now says he’s going to return to the “private sector,” and as to politics “we’ll see if God offers us another opportunity in the future.” And God is thinking “Uh, let’s see, I gave you looks, charm, endorsements and weak competition the first time.. what more do you want?”

Really? And we wonder why politics are so negative. The U.S. Labor Secretary apparently was one of the DOJ officials involved in mishandling a police shooting case after Katrina that led to the cops’ original conviction being overturned. Fair enough. But the Daily News headline “Hillary Clinton’s potential veep pick, U.S. Labor Secretary Thomas Perez, caught up in bungled case…. “‪#‎shehasntevenpickedanyoneyet‬

 

Leaving insulting no ethnic group unturned, Trump in a speech yesterday went after outsourcing and used a fake Indian accent in talking about credit card call centers. Some might wonder why he didn’t use the far more annoying airline call center, but of course Trump has never needed to call a commercial airline.

Hell freezes over alert: Charles Koch,today said Hillary Clinton might make a better president than the candidates in the Republican field. So is this Koch’s way of saying, “I’m rich, conservative but not bat-shit crazy?”

Regarding Curt Schilling’s mouthing off  Twitter and subsequent firing, from Marc Ragovin “Guess ESPN told him to put a bloody sock in it.”

The ice have it

June 2, 2015

The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa.   Scalpers should have a field day.  If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.

Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca.  But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning,  most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”

Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.

 

June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?

As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.

So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? ‪#‎Blatter‬

 

Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?

Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.

Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”

Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”

An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.

So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?

Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.

 

 

Something stronger.

October 8, 2014

Brian Wilson will apparently be exercising his player option so LA will have to pay him $9.5 million in 2015. SF Giants fans, in the spirit of camaraderie, are offering to give Dodger fans their best cocktail recipes.

Giants got 9 runs in 4 games. 1 home run. A lot of runs that weren’t even scored by hits. And they won the series 3 games to 1. ‪#‎SFchicksdigthesmallball‬

All of these experts predicting the ‪#‎ALCS‬ and ‪#‎NLCS‬ winners. Because they’ve done so well so far……‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Cardinals‬ ‪#‎Royals‬ ‪#‎Orioles

No baseball Tuesday night since the ‪#‎ALDS‬ and ‪#‎NLDS‬ series are all over. And no football as it’s Wednesday. So it was time for most Americans to start ignoring hockey.

For hockey fans, the San Jose Sharks did start defending their unofficial title of of being “The Best Regular Season Team in the NHL.”

Okay, it worked out if you are an ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan. But Matt Williams is being lambasted for putting rookie Aaron Barrett into the game late last night with veteran pitchers in the bullpen. But Bruce Bochy put September call-up Hunter Strickland into the game late too. And Strickland did get through an inning, albeit with a home run bomb to Bryce Harper. ‪#‎geniusifitworksidiocyifitdoesnt‬ ‪#‎NLDS‬

So what’s the difference between the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Los Angeles Dodgers? About 48 hours.

The FTC just announced that AT&T will pay $105 million in fines for placing unauthorized charges for third-party services on customers’ cell phone bills. So now wonder what surcharge the phone company will add to cover the fines

 

Roger Goodell, talking to owners and defending the NFL’s player conduct policy. “I believe the vast majority of our players are great people.” Right, because in the US we’ve never needed criminal laws because the vast majority of Americans are law-abiding people.

An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Midland, TX last night because a passenger was vomiting and there were Ebola fears. Despite the fact she had come from TURKEY, not Africa (She has already been released from the hospital). Here we go again…. Let’s hope no one gets the bright idea to put TSA in charge of taking temperatures and asking medical questions:

 

 

Open note to ANYONE who is anti-vaccine. Please just STFU about Ebola

The iStamp?

February 20, 2014

The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….

Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.

For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get  Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?

Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.

German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?

President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?

Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014

Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?

Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”

(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google  “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)

Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.

Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..

At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’

Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?

The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?

Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?

President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?

Putin on the not so Ritz

February 20, 2014

This just in from Sochi. President Putin has announced that all bomb-sniffing dogs for the remainder of the Olympics will be replaced by the Russian men’s hockey team.

But give Putin time.  Maybe he can blame this on Obama.

A West Virginia Pizza Hut has been shut by the authorities after a surveillance video showed a manager peeing into a sink. So presume at Domino’s and Papa John’s, they’ve just updated the rules in their employee manuals?

26% of Americans got this question wrong in a recent survey “Does the Earth go around the sun, or does the sun go around the Earth? Wonder how many of that 26% thought the whole question was silly, because of course they know the Earth goes around the moon.

In Chandler, police are deciding whether or not to charge a man who fatally shot an unarmed man during a fight that started with an argument at a Walmart service counter. The shooter is claiming self-defense. What, is Arizona jealous that Florida’s getting all the headlines?

A Seattle burglar who was still in the apartment when police showed up implied to police he had taken LSD but also told them he was Jack Bauer of “24.” Presume the cops’ first clue was when the thief said he had broken in between 900a and 1000a.

Washington TE Fred Davis today was suspended indefinitely for violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Apparently the substance was marijuana. Makes sense, no one watching the Redskins play last year would believe any of them used performance enhancing drugs.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino banned his players from tweeting, and would prefer they don’t use any other social media either “I’m trying to get our players to read more, pay attention to important things.” Of course if players are spending all their spare time with social media they won’t have time to have affairs with say, equipment manager’s wives….

Remember Bonnie Blair? Hey, whatever happened to speedskating anyway? Didn’t it used to be a Olympic Prime Time Sport? #sarcasm

The company behind #CandyCrush” has filed for an IPO. Will their opening price be known as “Level 1?:

The Los Angeles Lakers traded Steve Blake to the Golden State Warriors tonight. That’s perhaps less of a surprising story than the idea that Blake had to think “Thank God I’m going to a playoff team.”

Three one-thousandth of a second….

February 16, 2014

Very cute Carnival Cruise lines Olympic commercial featuring kids and a waterslide about the team that “just met yesterday.” Wonder how many people can read the small print “Unless you are a professional bobsledder only one person may go down the slide at a time.”

 

Three one thousandth of a second was the difference today in the 1500 meters men’s speed skating event. Men think “Wow!”  And women think, “I’ve known men who’ve lasted less than that.”

 

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, defending his decision to allow a debt-ceiling vote. “I believe I have to act in the best interest of the country.” And he said it with a straight face.

Sad news. John Henson, 48, who followed his late father into puppetry, has died of a heart attack. Jim Henson was only 53 when he died. Hope this doesn’t mean Muppets are hazardous to your health.

USA men’s hockey wins in a shoot out. USA Women’s curling elminated after they fall just short of an extra end. And millions of people are thinking “I have no idea what either of those sentences mean.”

Curling would be a lot more fun to watch if they could run the competition simultaneously on the ice with figure skating. #demolitionderby

Just thinking that “do you believe in miracles?” call wouldn’t have been the same with a shootout.

So it’s not the suits? What will the U.S. Speedskating team blame next?


Roger Goodell made $44.2 million last year. Could you imagine how much he would have made if he weren’t working as the head of a nonprofit?

 

The military says they now have a pizza for soldiers that can stay on the shelf for as long as three years and still remain edible. Did they just borrow the recipe from Domino’s?

A Northern California Radio Shack was robbed at gunpoint this week. Shocking! There’s anything at a Radio Shack crooks think is worth stealing?

So to sum up, a white guy in Florida opened fire on a SUV with four black teenagers inside because he felt “threatened” after an argument that he started by complaining about their music. (The teenagers were unarmed.) And a jury says he’s guilty of trying to murder the kids he missed, but not guilty of murdering the kid he actually shot?

George Zimmerman just told an interviewer: “I suffer from PTSD.” I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

 

A top South Korean speed skater decided to move and switch his allegiance to Russia in order to improve his medal changes in Sochi. Hmm. Think we can convince Justin Bieber that his best chance of another Grammy is to move back to Canada?

From Marc Ragovin. ” Actress Ellen Page has announced that she is gay. Well there goes her NFL career.”

(of course, for nervous men,  Page could be the perfect locker room reporter.)

 

Long live the Kings.

June 12, 2012

Long  suffering Los Angeles Kings fans have waited 45 years for a championship. “Wimps!” can be heard all the way from the North Side of Chicago.  (or for Canadian readers, from the shores of Lake Ontario.)

Curiously enough,  Toronto last won the Stanley Cup in 1967,  the year before the Kings joined the NHL.  So Maple Leafs fans can blame in all on the expansion to the West Coast.   And Cubs fans are going,  well that gets us off the hook from 1958 at least.

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Kings, winners of the Stanley Cup. In sympathy for the New Jersey Devils, they’re rioting in Vancouver.

The Kings won tonight because  they scored 3 goals during a five minute power play after a major penalty for boarding. “That’s awesome” said bandwagon Los Angeles fans. “But what’s a power play and what’s boarding?”

Now it’s time for the Oklahoma City Thunder to make sure that in 2012 year the hockey players are the last Kings with a ring.

Three people were hospitalized with “minor complaints” and a Los Angeles high school was evacuated after a teacher apparently mistook sulfuric acid for nitric acid in a chemistry experiment. “See?! More trouble from that liberal immoral ‘science’ stuff” – commented Rick Santorum.

Ah juries, An Atlanta police officer was having sex with another man and woman (not his wife) when he had a heart attack and died. According to WXIA-TV a jury has awarded the cop’s widow $3 million, saying his doctor should have warned him against strenuous activity…. (Not a joke.) –

One of those “not going to touch this” lines: Jersey Shore’s Snooki said today she likes the idea of breast feeding her baby but she doesn’t like the idea of pumping milk because “it’s kind of like you’re a cow….”

(said my friend  Jim McCain “udder nonsense.”)

Andriy Shevchenko, 35, led Ukraine to a 2-1 win over Sweden, and became the oldest player ever to score 2 goals in a game during the Euro Cup. Wonder if Andriy Sheychenko is Ukrainian for “Jamie Moyer?”

The defense in the Jerry Sandusky is planning to claim the former coach has “Histrionic Personality Disorder.” Guess that sounds better than saying he’s a sleazy douchebag.

The little girl is fine, but recently British Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife actually left their 8 year old daughter behind at a country pub near their home. (He thought she was with her mom, his wife thought the child was with her dad.) I blame Obama.

Police in Georgia are looking for the thief who stole about 400,000 toothpicks from a local factory. At this point the only thing they know about the suspect is that he/she almost certainly wasn’t English.

(Alex Kaseberg “That is one toothpick for every tooth in Georgia.”)

Oklahoma, More than O.K.

June 7, 2012

How young are the Oklahoma City Thunder? For example, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant, both 24, are basically the same age Mark Madsen was during his senior year playing basketball at Stanford.

On the other hand, how old are the San Antonio Spurs?  Well, they won’t win the NBA championship, but at least the team’s playoff winnings should be supplemented by Medicare.

Jeb Bush said in an interview today that he probably should have run for president in 2012: “This was probably my time.,” Translation “These clowns in the primary made even my brother look smart by comparison.”

Some seem surprised that most of the Sandusky jurors have ties to Penn State. Uh, folks, the trial is in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, population 6,187, 12 miles from the PSU campus. Why else would you move there WITHOUT ties to Penn State?

 

Sports fans in Los Angeles may not normally pay much attention to hockey. But they are really getting into this idea of a Kings sweep to win the Stanley Cup. In fact, when asked on Wednesday,  many of them said they can’t wait for  the night’s kickoff.

Ya think Bill Clinton still misses the presidential limelight? At this point it would be a close call to measure him and Donald Trump for the larger ego.

June 6 was the 44th anniversary of the death of RFK after he was assassinated following the California primary. Had he lived, Kennedy would be 87 years old. Or as Larry King would say “Still a mere child.”

In the latest installment of the second Roger Clemens perjury trial, a expert paid by the defense testified that Clemens’ DNA found on a syringe needle could have been placed there intentionally. Here’s the real question at this point. Is there anyone left in America who really cares anymore? –

45 people were just indicted in Puerto Rico for drug smuggling. American Airlines employees were allegedly transporting and loaded suitcases filled with cocaine to the cargo area, and putting them on flights to Miami, Orlando and Newark. Hmm, was it a tip off that the luggage handlers were working really really fast?

Regarding Wisconsin: I am no fan of Scott Walker, but it still strikes me that recalls are a waste of money. You have buyer’s remorse, wait until the next election and think about your vote more carefully the next time.

Uh, congrats, but where’s the hair?

May 16, 2011

The happy graduate is Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Who was drafted out of USC in 2003, but hadn’t graduated. He went back last semester and completed his degree. In history.

(And yes, that’s not a typo.  History.  That means reading real books, with small print. and probably lots of them.  But what DID he do with the hair??  If he cut it for real, instead of putting it in some sort of bun, does that mean he’s sure there won’t be a season anytime soon?  Hair doesn’t grow back THAT fast….)

In the NHL playoffs, before you think all Canadian fans (as in fans of the Flames, Leafs, Canadiens etc) are rooting for the Canucks against the San Jose Sharks, consider this line from Bruce Arthur of the (Canada) National Post: The notion that all Canadian hockey fans should root for the last remaining member of the club, is like asking the relatives of gang members killed in a six-gang war to root for the last gang standing.”

Song lyric of the weekend after Oklahoma City won game seven in their playoff series against Memphis, and Tampa Bay won game one against Boston:

“The Thunder Rolls, and the Lightnin’ Strikes….

An American Airlines flight had to return to Phoenix today after reported light smoke in the cabin. Yeah, some of those pilots just can’t break the habit of having a cigarette when they drink.

Jorge Posada apologized to New York fans, a day after he quit on the team, and against the Red Sox no less.  (Posada withdrew from the lineup when he was slotted ninth in the batting order.)

No word on whether Yankee fans and his teammates will forgive the quitting.  But Posada WAS named an honorary Los Angeles Laker.

Murray Handwerker, son of Nathan, and the man who turned Nathan’s Famous hot dogs into a national name, died at the age of 89. Murray attributed his long life to never eating his own product.

Despite Mike Huckabee’s withdrawal, the GOP presidential race still will have at least seven dwarfs. And no doubt we can count on the future nominee being snow white.

Newt Gingrich says he should be judged by “what I can do for America now, rather than the past.” Which he doesn’t want to talk about. Then Newt introduced his campaign manager, Mark McGwire.

Gingrich also said that he isn’t going to be the GOP’s vice presidential candidate. Guess Newt figures he’s no Sarah Palin, as the only thing he quits halfway through are his marriages.

From Marc Ragovin:

Mike Huckabee said that his decison not to run for president was neither political nor financial, but rather spiritual.  As in he realized, he didn’t have a prayer of winning

It’s Tuesday morning….

May 10, 2011

And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, Osama bin Laden and the Lakers are still dead.

Meanwhile it looks like Phil Jackson has decided it’s time to quit.  About three quarters after his team did.

from Gary Morton.  “Another Lakers’ excuse  – Jason Kidd is genetically predisposed with a shooter’s touch. Also an excellent shooter, his younger brother, Billy The.”

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have separated. Wonder if Arnold decided that besides that foreign-birth issue, he hadn’t had enough wives to be a serious GOP candidate for President.

The moving van series:  Oklahoma City Thunder against the Memphis Grizzlies. Just think, had both teams not moved this would have been the I-5 border crossing series between the Seattle Super Sonics and the Vancouver Grizzlies.

The Thunder-Grizzlies game four went to triple overtime, making it a real exhibition of two teams playing with heart. Said the Lakers  ‘ What’s heart?”

At least the Canucks won their second round in the playoffs, so Vancouver fans can’t blame it on something in the water, eh.

Archarcharch, who fractured a bone in his leg in the Kentucky Derby, will retire to stud at the age of three.  Talk about a pension plan.

South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Which could mean someday that cellphone batteries could be charged simply by yelling at the phone. As if we don’t have enough people doing that in stores, restaurants and other public places already.

Tiger Woods has now been dropped to the eighth ranked golfer in the world, following Paul Casey. This came as a shock to all serious golf fans – Tiger is still in the top ten?  (My friend Steve Moyer queries – “Tiger still plays golf?”)

Can anyone imagine a U.S Airline doing this? Emirates Airlines issued this statement “In line with the recent decrease in fuel prices, Emirates has removed the fuel surcharge on all tickets. We promised our customers from the outset that we would eliminate the surcharge as soon as it was commercially viable, and this has now been done. We continue to closely monitor the situation.”

So after signing a book deal, and apparently having plastic surgery, Bristol Palin will now star in a new reality show when she and her son Trippi move in with fellow DWTS star Kyle Massey and his brother. Yes, just another chapter in Bristol’s ongoing campaign to show young women how pre-marital sex will ruin their lives.

Congratulations to all those who had “one week” in the pool. Some right-wing bloggers came out Monday with a story it if were up to the President, Osama Bin Laden would still be alive. Because Obama really didn’t authorize the raid on Bin Laden’s headquarters and that it was really a coup by Hillary Clinton, Robert Gates and Leon Panetta…..  Sigh.

Lots of strikes and you’re out.

April 27, 2011

 

Lindsay Lohan said on the Tonight Show that her latest arrest was “definitely a wake-up call.” Yeah, but how many calls does it take? Think Lindsay needs to stop hitting the snooze button.

The University of Florida dismissed senior star cornerback Janoris Jenkins from the team, less than a week after his arrest for marijuana possession. Jenkins had also been arrested and was on probation for being caught smoking pot in January, 2011 Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana affecting short term memory.

Regarding the NFL owners pleading that they are losing money but refusing to open their books. This is kind of like one party in a divorce case telling his or her soon-to-be-ex-spouse, “This is all I can afford to pay, why can’t you just trust me?”

At this point, NFL players may be allowed back to their team facilities, but they won’t be allowed to work out. “Why couldn’t this happen when I played?” asked JaMarcus Russell?

An Alaska Airlines flight was evacuated last Friday afternoon at John Wayne Airport in California after a “suspicious powder” was found in a lavatory. Which turned out to be toilet paper remnants.. Other airlines have announced they may try to limit such threats by charging for toilet paper.

William and Catherine (Kate) are trying to semi-economize on this Royal Wedding. But they did turn down an offer from Prince Charles for some of the leftover items from his wedding to Camilla. Apparently the newlyweds will stick with the traditional rice to be tossed after the ceremony, instead of using hay.

Watching replays of  Darren Ford’s miracle run around the bases for the Giants tonight.  (Went from first to third on an errant throw, ran home on an easy grounder when the infielder didn’t look him back carefully enough.) 

Maybe they should change his name to Darren Ferrari.

So when Darren Ford was called up from Fresno to the Giants and told to get to San Francisco as soon as possible, I assume he ran the whole way?

On a wet Monday in Pittsburgh, about 2600 fans showed up to see the Pirates beat the Nationals. Or as former Montreal Expos fans called it – “a really big crowd.”

Sacramento representatives have made their final pitch to convince the league relocation committee that the city really wants and can support an NBA team. And failing that, they’d like to keep the Kings.

Katie Couric is stepping down as the anchor for CBS News. Well, she lasted longer at the helm than Sarah Palin.

Stocks closed at their highest levels in nearly three years thanks to stronger corporate earnings and a lift in consumer confidence. So how come none of the GOP Presidential contenders have tried to blame this on President Obama?

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters today that “birther” claims are a distraction from more important issues: “Trump and the candidates can talk about it all they want, but my position is that the president was born in the United States.” Translation – “This topic is making us look like a party of fruitcakes.”

Big winds and other disasters.

April 23, 2011

The tornado that severely damaged St. Louis airport also forced the evacuation of Cardinal fans at Busch Stadium.  Apparently it was the fastest emptying of a baseball park since the last seventh inning stretch at Dodger Stadium.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban claims “something hit me in the face,” during Dallas’s game three loss to the Portland Trail Blazers at the Rose Garden. Is he sure it wasn’t just a face palm?

The director of a groundbreaking UC San Diego brain bank is looking for donors who will supply interesting life histories, and then their brains after death. The director, Dr. Jacobo Annese, says he would love to have Trump’s brain some day. Makes sense, maybe he can figure out why the Donald appears to have stopped using it.

Lindsay Lohan received a 120 day jail sentence for a probation violation over her alleged necklace theft. In an interview this week, Lohan said she was eager to put her court cases behind her and once again be known as an actress. Actually Lindsay’s hardest role might simply be acting like a grown-up.

The Dodgers beat the Cubs 12 to 2 today, for their third straight win since Major League Baseball seized control of the team. Fans in New York are thinking of petitioning Bud Selig to take control of the Mets.

Saturday night will be game four of the San Jose-Los Angeles NHL first round playoff series.  Now, the two teams together scored seven goals in the second period of game three, five goals in the second period of game four.

Not to say the Sharks and Kings goalies were napping, but they were starting to look like air traffic controllers.

John McCain, while visiting Libya, told reporters there is  a “significant degree of stalemate,” and more NATO assets are needed. Hmm, wonder if that means McCain will next be calling for NATO to help out with the U.S. Congress.

My comedy writer friend Neil Berliner bemoans the fact that more people can name the “Three Stooges” than the GOP presidential candidates. But to be fair, there are a lot more than three stooges running for President.

BYU basketball star Brandon Davies apparently plans to return and play this seaso for the university, despite being dismissed for an honor code violation. (Premarital sex with his girlfriend.) So how does he get his honor back? By marrying the young woman?

If Davies does marry his girlfriend, will it be a three-point-shotgun wedding?

4 / 20

April 20, 2011

Today is 4/20 which has become a semi official holiday for people to celebrate and consume marijuana. Of course, to do it properly, the holiday should be forgotten and then celebrated at least 24 hours after the fact.

Meanwhile, on Tuesday night, the Dodgers bullpen gave up EIGHT runs in the top of the ninth inning against the Braves, turning a close 2-1 game into a rout. But thanks to the Kings blowing a four goal lead against the Sharks, the Dodgers weren’t even the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles of the evening.

Oakland shut out the Boston Red Sox 5-0 tonight, despite committing their major league leading 19th error of the season. Should we start referring to them as the Oakland “E”s?

The NFL released their 2011 schedule. Considering how far apart the two sides seem in terms of a settlement, isn’t this about as realistic as the New York Mets offering a plan that would guarantee the ability of fans to purchase playoff tickets?

Bob Knight has apologized to the University of Kentucky and coach John Calipari, after claiming that several of the Wildcats’ players did not attend spring semester classes last year.

What Bob’s apology said was shouldn’t have made it (his slam against one-and-dones)  personal to Kentucky.”  What Knight no doubt thought was he shouldn’t have qualified the statement with “spring semester.”

Today GOP House members issued a contract to pay former Solicitor General Paul Clement $575 an hour, with a $500,000 cap, to defend the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act. I’m waiting for the Tea Party outrage.

Donald Trump says the ‘last person’ Obama wants to run against is Donald Trump. Well, and yes, since President Obama would be limited to two terms I think he would LOVE the last person he runs against to be Trump.

The unemployment rate fell in two-thirds of the nation’s states last month, as again private employers added more than 200,000 jobs. Many Republicans were dismayed, however, because the more new jobs, the less chance that Obama loses his.

Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s soon-to-be ex-wife, has won her latest custody battle with Sheen. Mueller herself allegedly bought crack cocaine from a street corner drug dealer last week. Open question to conservative “family values” types – can a loving gay couple possibly be a worse choice for parenting than these two clowns?

Blackhawks not down

June 10, 2010

Okay for one day hockey gets top billing…

The Stanley Cup championship finally wrapped up Wednesday night. But for hockey fans going through withdrawal, it’s less than three months from the opening of the 2010-11 preseason.

Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks, winners of the Stanley Cup. To all those who don’t follow hockey, the term “Original Six,” does not refer to their number of fans.


The last time the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup was 49 years ago, and in fact they had the record for the longest drought. Said a Toronto Maple Leafs spokesman “We’ll be able to top that.”

Apparently after an NCAA investigation, USC’s football team will not only lose scholarships, but also be punished by the NCAA by being banned from bowl games for the next two years. Which will at least give their players more time not to go to class.


Some schools would worry that with bowl probation, a number of their stars might jump to the NFL early. Not at USC. Most players don’t want to take the pay cut.

Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was considered a Heisman candidate. But he was suspended for the 2010 season for his involvement in a campus burglary. And today the team dismissed him permanently after Masoli was cited for marijuana possession and driving infractions. Even JaMarcus Russell says “What an idiot.”


The 2010 MLB draft is complete. So congratulations to the players selected. And good luck to all these young men as they work their way through the minors, where someday if they work hard and succeed, they can hope someday to sign free-agent contracts with the Yankees.


And back in California:

Voters in Santa Clara, a town about 50 miles south of San Francisco, approved a new stadium plan that could allow the 49ers to move there. SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, once a gubernatorial candidate, now the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor, said that the team was “turning their backs on San Francisco.” And he added, “Hey, that’s MY job.”

So it’s day one of the general election, and already Carly Fiorina was caught when she didn’t realize the mike was on, making a catty comment about Barbara Boxer’s hair being “so yesterday.” Yo, Carly, if good hair was a qualification for public office, we’d have elected President John Edwards.

(And since one catty comment deserves another, it’s a really good thing on several levels that Carly isn’t running against Dianne Feinstein.)


Meg Whitman wants us to believe she would be a responsible spender in Sacramento? Included in the $100 million or so she spent to win the primary were radio ads she purchased touting her conservative credentials on San Francisco’s KFOG.

(for anyone not familar with KFOG, suffice it to say that most of the stations listeners probably think Jerry Brown is too conservative. Although they do like the fact that he once dated Linda Ronstadt.)


Odd side note to the gubernatorial primary – Meg Whitman spent $80 per vote in the election, and at her victory party in Unversal City, it was a cash bar.

Foreign affairs

May 13, 2010

Apparently in an upcoming book, France’s first lady Carla Bruni claims her sex life has suffered because her husband, President Nicolas Sarkozy, is too busy with his job to attend to her needs. In related news, Bill Clinton has offered to accompany Hillary on her next diplomatic mission to Paris.


While I like President Obama, in some ways I miss the simple days of Bill Clinton’s presidency. The economy was great, the U.S. wasn’t at war, and the most devastating spill in the country was on a blue dress.

After four playoff games againsts the Montreal Canadiens, the Pittsburgh Penguins looked like Stanley Cup Champions. After seven games they looked like the San Jose Sharks.


Following the lead of Arizona, the state of Pennsylvania has declared war on immigrants. Specifically those from Canada

This was the worst Penguin performance since Carla’s husband was run over by that Zamboni. (This joke will make sense to old “Cheers” fans only.)

A Texas high school may have to forfeit their entire season, and a 22-year-old man is in jail, after he posed as a 16-year-old to play basketball. How do teachers tell if a kid might be older than he looks? One thought – if after having sex he drives himself home.

Arizona’s governor has signed a bill prohibiting classes to be taught that are designed for any particular group. Which means members of U of A’s and ASU’s football teams will have to scramble to find a substitute for “underwater basketweaving.”


So Lawrence Taylor’s current defense against rape charges with a 16 year old girl is that he simply “pleasured himself” while she was in the room. And Taylor’s wife then added that she knew her husband’s tastes regarding appearance and “activities”, and the teen “had nothing to offer him.”

Even Mark Sanford is going “TMI.”


How bad is BP looking in this oil spill? Some children of oil company executives are now lying at school and saying their fathers are lawyers.

Taking back the country…

April 1, 2010

Listening to all these white, mostly male Tea Partiers talking about cutting all government programs and “Taking back our country.” And I have to think, take it back where…. to the 1700s?

Meg Whitman is fond of saying California is broken. And her way to fix it is to a elect a successful personable Republican with new ideas but without real political experience. Uh, been there, done that.


Republicans are all making a big issue out of the idea that there is too much government intervention in our lives, and that the government ought to leave Americans alone to make their own decisions. Which means of course they will be supporting the ballot initiative in California to legalize marijuana….. Oops, never mind.

One of Tiger Woods’ fellow tour members, Fred Couples is going to practice with him before the Masters. This is one of those headlines, however, that will read better than it will sound on the radio – ‘Tiger plays a round with Couples.”


Watched some GOP pundits and elected officials say through clenched teeth that they approved of the President’s new offshore oil drilling plan. Can’t tell if Obama makes Republicans angrier when he does something “liberal and out of touch” or when he actually agrees with them.

Good news for Toronto Maple Leafs fans. The team will unveil new, better looking jerseys next year. Bad news. The Jerseys will have the same old Leafs in them.


The Toronto Maple Leafs were officially eliminated from the playoffs. In related news, Ricky Martin is still gay.

World records beyond the Olympics…

March 6, 2010

Snuggies were placed on every seat in Cleveland’s arena before the Pistons-Cavaliers game, and fans were asked to put them on. Guinness World Records then certified it as the largest number of people wearing fleece blankets at once. The true uncertified record, however, probably still stands – any Giants-Dodgers night game at Candlestick Park.


On the other hand:

March marks the beginning of spring break season for many college students, Which basically means going to drink for a week someplace with warm winter weather. Like Vancouver.


Apparently more than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great have been discovered. The coins were found in the pockets of several pairs of jeans donated to Goodwill by Brett Favre.


So what’s a lower number today? The number of Americans who still care about the team’s gold medal hockey loss. Or the number of Canadians who still miss the Expos during spring training.


Sarah Palin has complained about Levi Johnson’s “quest for attention, fame and fortune'” and says that the media is exploiting her children. This while she is travelling the U.S, appearing regularly on television, and pitching her own reality show. Palin may be able to see Russia from her house but she sure can’t see herself in the mirror.


Karl Rove says in a new book that Dick Cheney was at first uncomfortable with the idea of being George W. Bush’s running mate. But then Cheney realized, he’d always wanted to be president.


Rove also denied in his book that Bush “lied us into war?” That, Karl said, was MY idea.

From Bill Littlejohn:

Senator Jim Bunning, a baseball Hall of Famer, gave a reporter the middle finger this week: “No, it wasn’t being asked again about his decision to block a bill that would extend unemployment benefits. It was being asked again about the 1964 Phillies collapse.’’ .


Thousands of California students protested cuts in the public university system Thursday in a “Day of Action.” Not to be confused with business as usual in Sacramento, which was a “Day of Inaction.”

Closing ceremonies…..and of course, the gold medal game..

March 1, 2010

But Olympic junkies on the west coast are in luck, NBC’s taped delayed coverage should go on until at least Tuesday.

It actually kind of feels right that the gold medal goes to a country where the average man or woman on the street can actually name at least one hockey player.


Americans watching the gold medal hockey game were both confused and disappointed by the overtime period. Where was the coin toss? And where was the little guy who comes in to win the game by kicking the puck into the net?

So the US came close. But did anyone, especially in San Jose, really expect any team coached by Ron Wilson to win it all?


Tickets for the USA-Canada hockey game were going for $4000.00 a ticket and up with scalpers. Wonder how many were being bought by new fans from the US who wondered when they will ever get another chance to see a game between two teams with so much top professional talent in North America.


Ron Turner, who was just hired this month as an assistant coach by Jim Harbaugh, resigned today to take a similar position with the Indianapolis Colts. Who does Turner think he is – Lane Kiffin?

Manny Ramirez actually told a reporter at Dodgers’ spring training – “”I’m an employee here, I just do what they want me to.” I think I like his story about the fertility drug better.

Regarding those new “Cant Trust Steve” ads that Meg Whitman is running against her opponent Steve Poizner: Anyone else think they would be appropriate to get her elected as senior class president?


And in closing.

For all those Winter Olympics fans who will be glad to see the last of Vancouver and go back to having the games in an actual COLD city – I give you today’s weather in Sochi, Russia. High 56, Low 47.

(Sochi is a resort town on the Black Sea. According to the Los Angeles Times. “The average February temperature is 43 degrees. Winter temperatures rarely fall below freezing. It has a moderate tropic climate and rarely sees snow.)

Maybe they should put these games somewhere that actually gets cold. Like San Francisco in July.

It’s 130a – time for a tape-delayed post…?

February 25, 2010

Well, one positive thing from this Olympics.

Vancouver stands to get a lot of future tourist business as a warm weather winter destination.


The USA hockey team is one win away from playing for a gold medal, and NBC insists on showing the games broken up in pieces, on about a three hour tape delay. (A longer delay on the west coast.) Hey, because nothing populizes a sport that has a hard time attracting attention in the U.S. like showing it hours after most people already know the results.



Question of the day. Did any of the people in charge of NBC’s Olympic scheduling work for FEMA?


Figure skating is the worst of the tape delayed events on the West Coast, with the top performers often not being shown until after midnight. So, gentlemen, many of you who work in offices with a number of women now get a sense of how they feel about your productivity during March Madness.


Dutch speedskater Sven Kramer was disqualified and lost the gold medal Tuesday when his coach sent him the wrong way on a changeover during the 10,000 meter finals. It was the most disastrous Lane change since the University of Tennessee hired Kiffin as their football coach.


Israel says they have developed planes that can fly without pilots. “Been there, done that”, responded Northwest Airlines.


Despite allegations of domestic violence and a physical fight with an assistant coach, Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable will not be punished by the NFL. Guess the league figured coaching for Al Davis was punishment enough.


Most optimistic sign for the San Francisco Giants in Spring Training so far? The Dodgers are now the team with the tempermental left fielder….


And an “inside baseball” San Francisco joke.

SF Mayor Gavin Newsom had to testify in a criminal trial on Tuesday, and described what he did for a living as “I primarily am responsible for the day-to-day management of city affairs.” What happened to that part about “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

(for anyone who has no idea what that joke means, Newsom spent a lot of last year running for governor, no he’s thinking of running for lieutenant governor, and oh yeah, there were a few little unannounced vacations. “Responsible” is not the first word many San Franciscans would use about their mayor.)