Posted tagged ‘hockey jokes’

After the mini-miracle on ice…

February 23, 2010

Canadians are still reeling from their hockey loss. And many vow their country will get revenge by someday soon by beating us at America’s real national sport. Just as soon as they can first crown a Canadian champion in hot dog eating.


Isnt beating Canada in hockey like beating a team from Los Angeles in plastic surgery?


Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir won Canada’s first ice dancing gold medal Monday night. Canadians are thrilled, but wonder…can either of them play goalie?


After the USA win over Canada, many Americans now refer to themselves as hockey fans. When then asked who they are rooting for to win the Stanley Cup, the number one response. – what’s the Stanley Cup?


Olympic gold medal figure skater Evan Lysacek has now stated publicly he is dating a fellow Olympic gold medalist — gymnast Nastia Liukin. This is really surprising. A male figure skater is dating a woman?


Okay, okay, so the U.S. beat Canada 5-3 in ice hockey. But while Canadians may be upset about this for a while, in a week Americans will forget about it and go back to focusing on games they really care about, like Farmville

After some serious efforts by her fans, including a Facebook group, Betty White may now actually host Saturday Night Live. But she IS old. How old? Betty remembers when SNL was actually funny


On Monday night in prime time ABC featured “the Bachelor,” NBC featured Olympic ice dancing, and Fox featured Jack Bauer torturing terrorists by showing them “the Bachelor” and ice dancing.


Commie pinko time.

Dick Cheney is resting comfortably after his “umpeenth” heart medical issue. When he is released from the hospital, however, the former Vice President has a great opportunity to advance the Republican cause of keeping government out of health care reform.

As an educated man he should be able to resign his government health insurance and prove at this point he can find a better plan on the open market.

A false prophet

June 9, 2009

So Jon Voight is calling Obama a false prophet.  Hey Jon, “24” ended last month.  Next up, Kiefer Sutherland calling for an overall of the FBI.

 

A court threw out a lawsuit by a San Diego woman alleging fraud because she just found out Cap’n Crunch Crunchberries weren’t a real fruit. She had previously sued after she discovered there was no real fruit in Froot Loops. Think she would have had a better chance if she sued on the premise that eating too much sugared cereal rots your brain.

 

Congrats to Stanford closer Drew Storen, chosen as the number 10 pick in the MLB draft by the Washington Nationals. Even though these days being a closer for the Nationals is kind of like being a wedding planner for Trekkies.

Manny Ramirez  said he isn’t going to talk about what led to his suspension because “it’s in the past.”  Yeah, that line worked so well for Mark McGwire.

And in the  You-can’t-make-this-stuff-up department,  Ramirez added that he didn’t want “to be a distraction for this team.”

The Major League Baseball draft continues Wednesday and Thursday.  MLB’s draft never receives as much attention as the NBA and NFL draft, partly because it goes on forever, and for the most part it features players most Americans have never heard of… Sort of like the Stanley Cup playoffs.

A relationship with sharks…

April 28, 2009

Now that their team couldn’t move forward out of the first round, hockey fans  might or might not think Woody Allen was anticipating San Jose’s playoff struggles  in 1977:

 

“A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

 

 

So what’s the difference between Sharks coach Todd McLellan and former Sharks coach  Ron Wilson?.    In the end,  about one round in the playoffs..

 

Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford was chosen as the first pick in the draft.  His mission, to turn the team around after eight of the worst years in history.  “Tell me about it” said President Obama.

 

 

On Monday night, the New Orleans Hornets lost by 58 points to the Denver Nuggets.  58 points!!?   Former President Bush called coach Byron Scott afterwards to tell him “Scottie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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John Daly turned 43 today.  As much as many Americans and golfers would like to see their favorite “everyman” succeed, they can take solace in the fact that had he won as many tournaments as his potential indicated,  the PGA might have declared beer a performance enchancing drug.

So former Michigan quarterback Steven Threet will transfer to Arizona State,  After he transferred from Georgia Tech to Michigan.

Which makes him perhaps the heir-apparent to Jeff  Garcia?


President Obama, while he filled out an NCAA basketball bracket, chose not to enter an NFL fantasy draft contest.   And then there’s former President George W. Bush, who when asked about the draft, pleaded a prior engagement with the Texas National Air Guard.