Posted tagged ‘Sharks jokes’

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In this corner

June 9, 2016

Justin Bieber apparently lost when he got in a fistfight with another fan after game 3 of the NBA Finals. On the brighter side, he reportedly put up a better fight than the Warriors.

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When you’re down 3 to 1 in ‪#‎StanleyCupFinals‬ isn’t calling it a “must win game” redundant? ‪#‎Sharks‬

 

The way the ‪#‎SJSharks‬ play on the road vs. at home might they request the ‪#‎NHL‬ to play ‪#‎StanleyCup‬ game six in Pittsburgh?

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Mac Williamson hit his first home run for the SF Giants last night. Reports were he traded a signed ball and bat for the ball. Wonder if the signed items had Posey and Bumgarner’s names on them?

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My friend Darren forwards the information that the SF 49ers are favored in ZERO of their 2016 season games..  And somewhere in Ann Arbor you can hear the giggling

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Colin Kaerpernick says that while he and his “team” were looking at “different opportunities”, now “I’m a 49er and excited to work with Chip and his coaching staff. ” Translation, not as if anyone else really wanted me anyway.

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According to Philadelphia Magazine, 46% of voters said that the Phillie Phanatic would make a more qualified President than Donald Trump. Well, and on top of that, who doesn’t love the Phanatic?

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Apparently after NBA Finals game 2, assistant coach Phil Handy went off on the Cavs with a tirade about their performance and questioned the team’s toughness. Maybe Cleveland hired the wrong coach.

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#‎DraymondGreen‬ did have best line from game 3: “They came out like their season was on the line, & we came out like it was peaches & cream.”

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Headline in Cleveland today? “All you don’t need is Love? ‪#‎Cavs‬ ‪#‎KevinLove‬ ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

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Apparently three women are trying to raise $30 million for a super PAC titled “Women Vote Trump” So is this to support the Donald or to provide those women with mental health support?

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‪#‎PresidentObama‬ is endorsing ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ today. Wonder if he told her in a 3 a.m. phone call?

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But really, in 2007 what was less likely, that Obama would be elected, or that he would end up endorsing Hillary?

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#‎HillaryClinton‬ says ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ should delete his ‪#‎Twitter‬ account. Why? His tweets have to be one of the best things for her campaign.

 

Elizabeth Warren tonight “Donald Trump is a loud, nasty, thin-skinned fraud who has never risked anything for anyone and serves nobody but himself.” You know, Senator Warren could be really impressive if she would just stop sugarcoating things.

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Icing, in June?

May 25, 2016

Open note to SF Bay Area fans unused to this sort of thing — the ‪#‎StanleyCup‬ is not something you wear for protection from ‪#‎DraymondGreen

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So who’d a thunk that at this point the ‪#‎SJSharks‬ would be looking better in the playoffs than the ‪#‎GoldenState‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬? ‪

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Watching Steph Curry this year in the playoffs reminds me now a bit of Chris Paul last year. Curry had that super-human effort his first game back, especially in overtime against the Blazers when he was supposed to be on a minutes count. Paul, who was also hurt, had a super-human effort to knock the Spurs out. But then he wasn’t the same afterwards.. Wonder if both games took it out of them long term.

 

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Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon apparently won over some Nationals hecklers who were taunting him about having two families, by joking that he actually has three. Well, or at least we THOUGHT he was joking.

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Major power outage  Wednesday in downtown ‪#‎Seattle‬. Normally this only happens to opposing teams’ hitters  who come into town to face the ‪#‎Mariners‬.

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Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker says on election day that he will vote, but “I just don’t plan to vote for president.”
Once again, such a profile in courage from one of these clowns who wants voters to elect him to make tough choices.

 

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Apparently after leaving office President Obama and his family are renting a $6.4 million dollar house in a nice DC neighborhood. Good thing they didn’t decide on relocating in San Francisco, for that price they’d have gotten about a two-bedroom apartment.

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Bills GM Doug Whaley said today he “used a poor choice of words” when he said yesterday that football was a game humans were not designed to play.
“Poor choice” indeed. He violated the #1 rule of NFL ownership: “Thou shalt not be honest.”

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Frontier Airlines removed a woman from one of their planes in Denver before takeoff when she threw a tantrum and then stripped naked. This would not have happened on United. They would have charged the other passengers an entertainment fee.

 

Texas, Alabama, Wisconsin, West Virginia, Tennessee, Maine, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Utah and Georgia are suing the Obama administration over their new transgender school directive. So good to know those states have no more serious problems to spend their tax dollars on….

 

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In South Carolina, Gov. Nikki Haley signed a bill into law on that makes abortions illegal after 20 weeks unless the mother’s life is in jeopardy. Just guessing, if you’re a wealthy woman in the state needing an abortion, won’t be hard to afford a doctor to say that your life is in jeopardy.

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TC reminds us “The NFL Pro Bowl will be moving to Orlando from Honolulu this year. Wallet Disney World, get ready for a true Mickey Mouse operation to compete for your Florida tourist dollars.”

 

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Tanked?

April 19, 2016

San Jose Sharks seem bent on proving there is such a thing as home ice disadvantage.

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Meanwhile the Warriors faced the Rockets without Steph Curry.  With a few more starters out it actually might have been a tight game.

Although as the Thunder faced the depleted Mavericks, once again OKC reminded NBA fans, seldom has a team done so little with so much.

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‪#‎SFGiants‬ had ‪#‎KevinHogan‬ throw out the first pitch on ‪#‎Stanford‬ night. They clearly should have signed him for the bullpen.

 

 

3 thoughts after ‪#‎SFGiants‬ loss tonight: 1. Casilla may be done as a closer. 2. Heston should not be a reliever. 3. Where is Timmy?

 

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Alas Hunter Strickland tonight reminded ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans why he is the closer of the “future.” ‪#‎didntthinkIwouldmissRomo‬

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Meanwhile, the Arizona ‪#‎Diamondbacks‬ road uniforms remind many of us of that day we put a black shirt or jeans in the wash on hot with our whites.

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A diagnosis on Pablo Sandoval’s injury has apparently been delayed by swelling in his shoulder. Thinking actually the Panda’s shoulder has not been where the problem swelling has occurred.

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‪#‎Ethiopians‬ won both the men’s & women’s ‪#‎BostonMarathon‬ today. Now ‪#‎Kenyans‬ know how we ‪#‎Americans‬ usually feel.

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Ebay actually pulled an auction for a Ziplock bag of AIR from inside Staples Center for Kobe Bryant’s last game. The bidding had reached over $15,000. Not sure what the bigger ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ is, the bidder, or Ebay in giving up those 10% seller fees.

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Ted Cruz apparently reiterated his position last week that he wants to return America back to the gold standard. So it’s not just women he wants to return to the 19th century.

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Michigan Governor Rick Snyder says he will drink water from Flint for “at least a month” to show support for the city, and to show that the water is safe to use with a filter. Your move, mean bitch Karma.

 

Just thinking, if other GOP candidates want to show solidarity on the subject of excessive government regulation, maybe they could call Mich. Gov. Rick Snyder and ask him to ship them some of that Flint drinking water. ‪#‎isitsafe‬?

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A video has gone viral of a woman in Toronto who scaled the fence to a tiger enclosure in order to retrieve her hat. She and the hat escaped unharmed. Another Darwin ‪#‎misseditbythatmuch‬

 

20 inches of rain or more and massive flooding in Houston. Awful, but now waiting for some of these politicians who want to secede from the U.S. to ask for federal disaster relief.

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On the subject of state’s rights etc, just found this quote from “West Wing” President Jed Bartlet. And what a shame he isn’t running in 2016:
“You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That’s a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year – from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. I’m supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?

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Higher math?

March 14, 2015

In India, a bride left her husband to be at the altar after testing him on his math skills. She asked “How much is 15 plus six?” He answered, 17. Just guessing that’s not going to be part of Bristol Palin’s wedding ceremony.

 

 

Since their performances in Chicago on July 4 weekend sold out so quickly, the surviving members of the Grateful Dead are reportedly thinking about adding shows at Levi’s Stadium or AT&T Park. Now, I know a lot of Deadheads are in the SF Bay Area. But really, for real authenticity, shouldn’t the band now consider a show in Colorado?

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Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for over a week. Yesterday Swiss paper Bilk reported that the Russian leader, 62, was in Switzerland with his rumored girlfriend, Alina Kabayeva, 31, a former gold-medal gymnast, for the birth of their daughter. Hmm. wonder if Putin will return saying he was hiking the Alpine trail.

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RIP Al Rosen, 91.. Seems sadly fitting that he and Candlestick Park would not outlive each other. ‪#‎Yougottalikethiskids‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Who says geeks have no sense of humor? MIT issued its admissions decisions Saturday night at 9:26pm ‪#‎PiDay‬

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Amazing some of the “stupid-is-a-virtue” types in this country weren’t screaming about “Happy Pi Day” being elitist. But to be fair, they probably thought it only refers to dessert.

 

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Groupon is selling tickets to see Chicago and Earth, Wind & Fire this July. Is this a good idea now? The bands’ targeted demographic may not be able to remember anything they book that far ahead.

 

The Toronto Raptors just ended a 16-game losing streak tonight against the Miami Heat. And the Philadelphia 76ers sniffed “amateurs!”

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The San Jose Sharks may not make the playoffs, but they’re making headlines. On Thursday, GM Doug Wilson told a group of season holders that the team took the captain’s “C” from Joe Thornton because the pressure and stress were getting to him. And on Friday, Thornton told the Mercury News, Doug “just needs to stop lying, shut his mouth.” Who do the Sharks think they are? The 49ers?

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Jeb Bush refused to say whether he would have signed the letter the 47 Senators wrote to Iran, saying they did it out of “frustration” and “that I do think that we need to get back to a bipartisan consensus on foreign policy.” Translation, I want to be President and I don’t want the Democrats doing the same thing to me.

 

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As Americans prepare for selection Sunday, perhaps a way we could get people to focus on their vote for 2016 is to start a Presidential Bracket. 64 picks, presumably with Bush and Clinton as one seeds, maybe Walker and Warren next. Plenty of trendy picks like Christie, Paul, etc. And enough potential Cinderellas to fill out the rest. (Not like say, Harvard, has any more chance than some political unknowns.)

Then simply say the brackets could not be used for real betting purposes and let the fun begin.

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And the winner should have been….

February 22, 2015

Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.

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As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?

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Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

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Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.

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On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.

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Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.

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American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels.   So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?

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Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?

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Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.

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A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?

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Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. ‪#‎doublingdownonstupid‬

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Oh brother.

May 1, 2014

George W. Bush said today he hopes his brother Jeb runs for President in 2016. Maybe W. misses those little White House boxes of M & Ms?

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George W. Bush, in the interview where he says he hopes his brother runs, said “Hey Jeb, if you need some advice, give me a call.” And Hillary Clinton is thinking “Why stop at a call, you brothers should campaign together…”

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All this talk about Jeb Bush being handicapped for a possible Presidential run by his name. If Jeb’s last name was Smith he’d probably be another no-name former Southern GOP governor.

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#Sharks went from looking unstoppable to dead in the water so quickly, have to wonder if Richard Dreyfuss was somehow involved. #SJSharks

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At least the San Jose Sharks are guaranteed not to disappoint their fans this May.

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Both gasoline prices and the stock market are at 2014 highs. And the GOP is trying to convince voters President Obama has everything to do with the former, and nothing to do with the latter.

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Another reason the San Antonio Spurs just don’t fit the NBA mold. Tony Parker, 31, barely made last night’s game because of the birth of his FIRST child.

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The Lakers are apparently interested in hiring John Calipari. But not sure Calipari is interested in coaching prima donnas he can’t get rid of after a year.

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After his second crack cocaine video, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford now says he will take a leave of absence to enter rehab. This should make his approval rating go up another 5-10 points.

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Aaron Hernandez has now been indicted in an alleged February assault and an alleged November threat at his jail. I know Hernandez is talented, but at this point he’s risking being kicked off the “All-Thug” NFL team.

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The head of the Los Angeles NAACP resigned over their planned lifetime achievement award to Donald Sterling. Have to wonder, who else was on that list for the award?

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An Alabama store reportedly  was selling $17.00 a pound king crab legs labeled “Jameis Winston King Crab Legs.” Of course, Cam Newton would never have been involved in such a shoplifting incident while at Auburn. Someone would have given the seafood to his father.

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Guessing SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy doesn’t cook much. Matt Cain missed a start when he cut himself making a sandwich. And Bochy said yesterday that Cain is “making us all sandwiches right now. With a real real dull butter knife.” As most women know, dull knives can be the likeliest to cut you as they stick and slip…..

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Edward Snowden expects to have his asylum renewed in Russia. But his attorney says he “misses America and would like to be able to come home. We just don’t see that happening in the near future.” Uh, not “coming home” is not the problem. Snowden not wanting to face charges when he comes home IS the problem.

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Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

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V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

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What we have here are dead sharks….

May 25, 2011

 

Sharks fans may be disappointed but if the Canucks win the Championship at least the Cup will go home to a country where most citizens know icing isn’t just something you put on a cake.

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Can a stanchion get an assist on a game winning goal?

(For anyone who didn’t see the game, the puck bounced off a stanchion, one of the posts between the glass that protects fans from pucks flying out of play, and everyone, including players, thought it was out of play. Except for Bieska of the Canucks, who saw the puck and shot it into the San Jose net.)

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And what invisible hand guided that puck on its way to ending up in the net?  Are we sure Steve Bartman wasn’t somehow involved?

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Tiger Woods’ world golf ranking has fallen from #1 to #12. Although, in a weirdly symbiotic way, his ranking once again matches the number of women most Americans think he is probably sleeping with.

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If there’s a season this year, the NFL is planning to punish teams next season if their players commit multiple flagrant hits that result in fines. The punishment could either be financial or to strip clubs of draft choices. Well, that latter shouldn’t stop the Raiders – they don’t do anything with their draft picks anyway.

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New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon said the team could lose $70 million this season. $70 million? Wow, that’s almost as much as the Yankees pay for a utility infielder.

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So the Big 12 conference, despite being down to 10 teams, will keep its name. Meanwhile, the Big 10, which has had 11 teams, will also keep its name when Nebraska joins this fall. Meanwhile the Atlantic 10 has 14 teams. And we wonder why college football players are bad at math

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Apparently the U.S. Justice Department is ready to go ahead with criminal charges to be filed against former U.S. Senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards, for alleged violations of campaign finance laws arising from the cover-up of his affair with his baby mama Rielle Hunter.

And once again, Democrats across America are realizing that there might be a silver lining in the Kerry-Edwards ticket not winning in 2004.

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President Obama’s code name with Scotland Yard for his U.K. visit is apparently
“Chalaque.” It’s a Punjab word that the Daily Mail paper says means “someone too clever for his own good,” or someone “cheeky, crafty and cunning.” Scotland Yard denies the term is perjorative, and said they planned on using it for the previous president, but no one could say it about W with a straight face.

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Meanwhile, in California, depending on where he got the money to pay HIS baby mama, Arnold Schwarzenegger is either watching with some sympathy, or the sense of “Oh Sh*t.”

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Toyota is starting a private social network for its car owners – calling it “Toyota Friend.” So does that mean instead of sending recall notices, they’ll just change your status to “It’s complicated?”

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President Obama and Michelle met Prince William and Kate Middleton today in London, and will spend the night in the same suite that the Duke and Duchess used on their wedding night. Presumably this seemed a better accommodation option than Camilla’s old stable.

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The longest two minutes in sports?

May 23, 2011

For San Jose Sharks fans it was during the second period against the Canucks Sunday.

(For non-hockey fans, the Vancouver Canucks scored three goals in about 1 minute and 55 seconds enroute to a 5-3 win. And yes, that’s rare.)

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Sharks goalie Antti Niemi only had 14 shots on goal, and let 5 of them in.  Maybe the Sharks should have just played the game with an empty net and been on a nonstop power play.

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Meanwhile, over in the NBA… The only people outside South Florida who are rooting for the Heat these days might be in the Bronx. Because if the Heat win they may at least temporarily take the title from the Yankees of the “most hated team in America.”

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The reengineered 3D version of “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel “On Stranger Tides” took in a record $256.3 million internationally at the box office this weekend. So much for those who say the U.S. only IMPORTS silly action figures.

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Alex Tagliani became the first Canadian to win the pole at the Indianapolis 500. Stand by next Sunday for “Gentlemen, start your engines, eh?”

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And okay, did more people have Butler and VCU in the NCAA men’s basketball final four than the team with the best current record in major league baseball?    As of today that would be  the Cleveland Indians – 29 and 15.

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Meanwhile, the first place San Francisco Giants are doing it with smoke, mirrors, and usually REALLY good pitching.   Even after Sunday’s 5-4 win in extra innings, the team has scored fewer runs  – 160 – than any team in the National League.  (Really, you could look it up.)

Only the Seattle Mariners (159) and Minnesota Twins (147)  have scored fewer runs in all of baseball.  And the Twins are coming to SF for interleague play.  Which could mean the first baseball series decided by penalty kicks.

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Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis says crime will increase if the NFL doesn’t play games this year, because “There’s nothing else to do.” Is he talking about for the fans or the players?”

(and of course it has to be Ray Lewis saying this, as my friend Alex Kaseberg put it “Ray has already crossed ‘stab a guy to death’ off his bucket list”)

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Question of the week from another friend,  Jerry Perisho  “If the US Postal Service cycling team took performance enhancing drugs, why don’t we give it to postal carriers?

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Shark attack – or attacked?

May 12, 2011

Not saying the San Jose Sharks may be on the verge of an epic collapse, going to a game seven against the Red Wings after leading 3 games to 0. But there has been talk of renaming HP Pavilion, aka “the Shark Tank,” to “The Friendly Confines.”

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In game seven the Sharks will try something different than games four through six:  trying not to skate with their hands wrapped around their own necks.

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Meanwhile in the NBA playoffs, the Miami Heat finished off the Boston Celtics.  Which for much of America meant the “team you now love to heat” beating a “team you’ve disliked for years.”

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Or political version of the above joke – the Heat-Celtics series had as much appeal for many Americans as say, a Trump-Gingrich debate would have for Democrats.  An interesting spectacle to be sure, but hard to really care about the winner.

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And in Oklahoma City, the Thunder took a  3-2 lead on the Memphis Grizzlies.  Fans in Oklahoma are starting to get into this hockey stuff.  Some of them have now even figured out the difference between a goal and a field goal.

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Whitney Houston, now in rehab, was apparently banned from Prince concerts after she repeatedly showed up and appeared to be ‘intoxicated.’ Whitney, did, however, receive an invitation from Charlie Sheen to become one of his goddesses.

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Sarah Ferguson told Oprah it was “difficult” to be snubbed and not to be invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Especially since she had already made a deal to sell some wedding family pictures.

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Donald Trump in a Rolling Stone interview said he washes his hair with “Head and Shoulders” shampoo. Interesting, I never knew “Head and Shoulders” was appropriate for washing small animals.

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Former Carolina Panthers tackle Brenston Buckner has a suggestion for Brett Favre – to mentor rookie quarterback Cam Newton before the season (theoretically) opens in September. Only one problem, it would probably take Favre at least until November to decide when and where he and Cam should meet.

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The San Francisco Giants have won five games in a row, but four by only one run. Good thing this isn’t volleyball or tennis.

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Apparently Osama bin Laden’s relatives are not convinced and want proof he is dead. The statement was released on behalf of the family by Omar aka “The Donald” bin Laden.

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A USA Today story says that aviation experts have no explanation for the recent ‘outbreak of insanity’ with unruly passengers on board planes. Uh, have any of these experts been crammed in the back of coach on a full plane with no food and screaming babies lately? Enough to drive even some previously sane people crazy.

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Bud Selig, on top of things as usual: He appointed former Padres president Dick Freeman to assist new Dodgers trustee Tom Schieffer. Then MLB rescinded the appointment hours later. Apparently Freeman advised Frank McCourt’s ex-wife Jamie last year, during her divorce proceedings against Dodgers owner Frank McCourt.

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A Hasidic newspaper is being justifiably criticized for photoshopping a War Room photo. So it appeared as if Hillary Clinton didn’t exist. Just like President Bill Clinton acted whenever he met a new woman.

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Gary Morton’s comment about Tiger Woods’ fall from the top rankings – “I thought Tiger retired to stud at 34.”

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Moving on.

May 11, 2011

 Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinch may lose his seat due to redistricting. And he says he may move to another state and run for Congress there. Why limit himself to other states? In fact, Dennis may be a better fit for Congress on another planet.

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The San Jose Sharks, formerly up 3-0, are now going to game 7 against the  Red Wings. And in Detroit they’re playing “Don’t stop believing.” In Northern California, San Franciscans are saying “Hey, we patented that ‘torture’ line.”

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The Sharks still have home ice for Thursday, but they are on the verge of being only the seventh NHL team ever to lose a playoff series when up 3-0. What are they trying to do, knock the Lakers off the front page?

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Lufthansa is flying their new Airbus 380 from Frankfurt to San Francisco.  The double decker plane holds 526 people.  But your chances of being next to the one hysterically crying baby on board are still better than you think.

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Chad Ochocinco is now going to try professional bull riding. Well, if there’s anyone who knows bull, it’s Ochocinco.

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Good news for Washington Wizards fans – the team is changing to a classic looking red white and blue new uniform. Bad news for Wizards fans – the new uniforms will have the same old players in them.

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The Lakers’ Andrew Bynum apologized for his flagrant foul on Mavericks’ guard J.J. Barea Sunday, saying “it looks bad” and it doesn’t “represent me.” Bynum also added “This doesn’t represent my upbringing.”

Translation, somebody got a call from his mother.

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Amazing NBA basketball these past few days. On Monday, the Celtics and the Heat played overtime plus four quarters, the Thunder and Grizzlies played three overtime plus four quarters, and on Sunday, the Lakers  played about one quarter.

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “May is National Zombie Awareness Month, and the Lakers certainly did their part on Sunday.”

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So now the Lakers are looking for a new coach. Have they considered Arnold Schwarzengger? He may have a lot of time on his hands now, and besides, he has experience as a Kindergarten Cop.

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Regarding the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split: Surprised he didn’t announce it on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

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What’s behind the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzengger split? Apparently Maria agreed to “for better or worse,” but she drew the line at a potential remake of “Jingle All the Way.”

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Rush Limbaugh is now calling torture “enhanced interrogation.” Of course, many Americans would call torture “being stuck in a car where the only radio station that works features Rush Limbaugh.”

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In the latest poll of Republicans, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are at the top of the GOP race with 19% and 18% respectively. Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are next at 13% and 12%, followed by Donald Trump and Ron Paul at 8%, Michele Bachmann at 7%, and Tim Pawlenty at 5%. Unfortunately for most thinking Republicans “None of these clowns” wasn’t an option.

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Lindsay Lohan may plead “no contest” to stealing that necklace. But even though she was on probation at the time, the actress is likely to serve no more than two weeks, which could simply be home confinement. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ special celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really, really warning you” policy.

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Bristol Palin admits she had facial surgery and says that she “yes, it improved the way I look,” but insists it was “corrective,” and not cosmetic plastic surgery. Because she wouldn’t just do plastic surgery.  Right.  Like some rich girls used to need “deviated septum” nose surgery.

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Weddings and beyond….

April 23, 2011

Open note to single men claiming they can’t meet any women: try placing a Craigslist ad looking for a date to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Melania Trump, Donald’s third wife, is a former model and current jewelry designer. She was coy when a reporter asked what she would wear “if she were to attend an inauguration in 2013.” Of course, considering the Donald’s marriage history, it’s not a slam dunk Melania will be anywhere near him in 2013.

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After going 15-22 in three seasons with the Wolverines, former coach Rich Rodriguez told CBSSports.com that he thinks leaving West Virginia for Ann Arbor may have been a mistake. “May have been?” That sound you hear is a collective snicker from several million Michigan fans.

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A D.C. friend responded to me about a question regarding the NHL Washington Capitals -“I’m a casual fan, I root for them but I don’t watch them.” Think that describes a lot of people wearing teal in Northern California.

Despite the San Jose Sharks’ success to this point, tonight they learned why spotting your opponent a three-four goal head start is not universally accepted as a good strategy.

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A reporter interviewing LeBron James referred to Cleveland as “your city.” James’ response. “It wasn’t my city. It wasn’t my team either, I was just a player.” Wonder how many of the few remaining unburnt Lebron jerseys in Cleveland survived that comment.

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The New York City Board of Elections says Donald Trump hasn’t voted in any primary elections since 1989. Responded Trump “Only the little people vote in primary elections.”

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And anyone who doesn’t like sacrilegious attempts at  jokes stop reading now:

Happy Easter. When we all celebrate Jesus rising from the dead with a basket of chocolate eggs he distributed to all the good little boys and girls….right?

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And remember this, love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

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Cam, we hardly knew ye.

January 14, 2011

Or at least beyond what the NCAA considered reasonable doubt.

Auburn quarterback and Heisman winner Cam Newton declared for the NFL draft.  Just in time for the NCAA to complete their investigation and say he WOULD have been suspended for the 2011 season.

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Newton was asked, if like Andrew Luck, he has plans some day to complete his degree. His response “What’s a degree?”

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One good fit for Cam Newton might be playing for Pete Carroll in Seattle.  After all, after all Carroll’s years at USC, who else has more experience in dealing with semi-pro players?.

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Football coach Les Miles has agreed to a seven year contract at LSU. This way he might see some of his current freshmen actually graduate.

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The San Jose Sharks have  now lost six games in a row.   Who do they think they are?  The Maple Leafs?

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Stand by for Waffle Night at the Shark Tank.  Or maybe since this is the food-obsessed Bay Area, Crepes.

(Note to non-hockey fans, disgruntled Leafs fans, if that isn’t redundant,  started throwing waffles on the ice to express their displeasure with the team, although Toronto is actually winning lately.)

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Ted Williams, the formerly homeless man with the amazing voice, is headed to rehab. Well, we knew he wanted to get into acting. Maybe he wants to work with Lindsay Lohan.

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New Cardinal head football coach David Shaw, 38, says he wants to be a “lifer” at Stanford. Don’t laugh, he’s starting out in the job two years younger than Joe Paterno was when he took over at Penn State.

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Cunard’s ships the Queen Mary, Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth all sailed together in New York harbor Thursday and were honored with a fireworks display.   It was the most gala event involving three British queens since Queen Elizabeth and the Queen Mother attended an Elton John concert.

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Condoleezza Rice apparently once told the NY Times that football “is a kind of national pastime that brings people together across social lines, across racial lines.” She’s right, if you asked people in D.C. who they’d most like to see run out of town, at the top of most people’s lists – rich, poor, black, white – would be Redskins owner Dan Snyder.

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Augie commented on a joke about the BWI Ravens that maybe they should be the IAD Redskins.  Though I think most D.C. fans would call them the DOA Redskins.

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Lost without Lost?

May 24, 2010

Count me as one of the few Americans who has never watched LOST. (Or maybe I did – watched game four when the Sharks got swept out of the NHL playoffs.)

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Rough day for the San Jose Sharks, losing 3-2 after having a 2-0 lead and being eliminated from the playoffs. On the brighter side, they scored more today than the Giants have all weekend. (True, one run in three games against the As)

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And realistically, down 3-0 and playing on their opponents home ice? Lets just say the Sharks probably had less of a chance for a happy ending than Jack Bauer on tonight’s final episode of 24.

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NBA Update – Rumors of an early Suns-set have been greatly exaggerated.

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Actually, the Suns may be the last, best, educated team in the league. Steve Nash, graduate of the University of Santa Clara (good small private school near San Jose,), Grant Hill, graduate of Duke, Channing Frye, graduate of Arizona, Robin Lopez, two years at Stanford, Jason Richardson, two years at Michigan State. (And yeah, Amar’e Stoudemire, the one straight-from-high-school guy on the team.)

But how long until the real “college veterans” on most NBA teams are one-and-dones?

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Regarding those newly revised textbooks in Texas: Anyone seriously think the revisionists are done weeding out the historical figures they don’t like? What’s next – a search for LBJ’s’ birth certificate?

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Drew Storen, less than a year removed from pitching for Stanford, got not only his first major league win this week, but a hit in his first at bat. Damn shame he didnt get drafted by the Giants. He could bat cleanup.

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At this point the Giants lineup is so punchless, management is thinking of trying to bring in a temporary professional soccer tenant. So at least the home fans could see some scoring.

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The Wall Street Journal ran a survey saying that the five pitchers in major league baseball who have lost the most velocity on their fastball (still less than two miles an hour), have seen their ERA go up more than 2 runs a game.

Right, tell that to Tim Wakefield, who just threw 8 shutout innings against the Phillies, while being clocked in the mid 60s.

The 43 year old Wakefield may hold several unusual distinctions by the time he finally retires. Not least of which might be being the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

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Dorothy Kamenshek has died at the age of 84. She was a star in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, and helped inspire the Geena Davis character in the movie “A League of Their Own.” Dorothy was an amazing player; rumor has it she once even got a hit off Jamie Moyer.

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Sarah Palin accused Rachel Maddow of being “prejudiced” when she interviewed Rand Paul. Okay, here’s an idea – why doesn’t Palin herself interview Paul? I think viewers from across the political spectrum would tune in to watch that!

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How the mighty are falling.

May 19, 2010

Quarterback Daunte Culpepper is on the verge of going from the NFL’s Detroit Lions to the UFL’s Sacramento Mountain Lions. Well, after spending last season in Detroit, it’s not that big of a step down.

My friend Kevin Terpsta says, probably correctly, he’ll be playing for the best team in Northern California.

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In the NHL, well it took until mid-May, but the San Jose Sharks are now in playoff form.

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Freddie Sanchez, who has spent more time on the disabled list than he has played since he got traded to the San Francisco Giants, wants a little more time before being activated to the major league roster. Guess Freddie wants to be sure he is absolutely ready to be injured in 2010.

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CBS is cancelling their long-running police show “Cold Case.” Which means the only remaining “Cold Case” left on television will be when “Meet the Press” features Hillary Clinton.

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The Golden State Warriors, slotted to pick fourth, fell to sixth in the NBA draft. Not that it matters considering the team’s past luck with their picks. Normally most Northern Californians who can remember such awful luck in the draft spent time in Canada.

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The University of California – Berkeley – is now starting up a Quidditch team. Quidditch? These days most Northern Californians are having a hard enough time pretending they understand hockey.

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The latest Robin Hood movie is having a disappointing run at the box office. But really, how new things can you add to the legend of the man who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor? Rumor has it in this version his detractors claim he was really born in Kenya.

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You REALLY cannot make this stuff up department: Indiana Congressman Mark Souder resigned after admitting he had sex with a part-time female staffer. Apparently, besides their affair, the woman had worked with Souder to produce an abstinence video.

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Republican party leaders were dismayed to hear of Souder’s transgressions, on the other hand they were intensely relieved that it was a FEMALE staffer.

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Wonder if Souder found the staffer on Rentgirl.com

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On the other side of the aisle, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, a former Marine Corps Reservists, now claims it was just a matter of misplaced words when he said he served in Vietnam he didn’t really mean he was “in” Vietnam. He claimed he just mean that he served his country.

Surprised he didnt say “It depends on what the definition of “in” is.

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Blumenthal did apparently work on some “Toys for Tots” drives. And to be fair, it was probably easy for him to confuse a few of those years with the Cabbage Patch Kids craze with actual hand-to-hand combat.

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So Blumenthal said he served during Vietnam but he didnt mean he was in Vietnam. But words matter, there’s just a little bit of difference between Tiger Woods’ being served by a waitress, and being in a waitress.

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And yeah, these scandals aren’t as serious as terrorism (and they sure provide better comic material.) But how long until some candidate who actually honors his/her marriage vows says they will help make Washington a “No Open Fly” zone?

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Unlifting clouds..

April 20, 2010

By the way, to any readers who have noticed, I usually try to post on a daily basis. Must not have hit “publish” last night, so this will be two posts back-to-back. Put it down to volcanic ash.

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Actually, this Icelandic volcano with the unpronounceable name may end up responsible for more travel disruptions and delays than anything else in air travel history. In fact, some are already nicknaming it the “JetBlue” volcano.

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Apparently George Washington has racked up over a $300,000 fine for some books he borrowed from a New York library in 1789 and has never returned. Well, as far as Presidential misbehavior, that’s one crime that will never be laid at the feet of George W. Bush.

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A day later, the Sharks’ own goal looks, if anything, worse. Of course, if San Jose comes back and wins, it will be largely forgotten. If they lose, well, even Bill Buckner says “At least I didn’t hit a home run against my own team.”

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Speaking of the Red Sox, die-hard fans who remember more of the suffering years than the two World Series wins, the only silver lining to the team’s horrible start? At least they may not have to worry about a late-season collapse.

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An AP-CNBC poll reported showed that most Americans don’t support the legalization of marijuana. Well, maybe not exactly. Only 33 percent said they were in favor of it. But of the rest of them some significant number apparently replied “Dude, I don’t know, what was the question again?”

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The International Cannabis and Hemp Expo, in Daly City just south of San Francisco, was the 1st U.S. trade show in the U.S. to allow on-site pot smoking.. The Expo was able to offer temporary medicinal marijuana permits and had over 15,000 attendees. Nearby stores say they hope within a few days to be able to restock a normal supply of Doritos.

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Bad timing award – to Greek air traffic controllers who wanted to call attention to their battle with the government over proposed cutback, and planned a strike for April 22 and 23. They hoped to shut down the Greek airports and cause major travel disruptions.

Like at this point anyone will notice…

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The Toronto Blue Jays beat the Kansas City Royals Monday night before the smallest crowd in Blue Jays’ history. How bad was it, at some points confused fans started chanting “Go Expos.”

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Volcanoes, Sharks, and other disasters.

April 20, 2010

Note to all San Jose Sharks fans. When you yell and scream for your team to score a goal, it’s important to be specific!!

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The San Jose Sharks have now scored three dramatic game-winning goals in the first three games against the Colorado Avalanche. Unfortunately, two of them were past their own goalie.

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The NFL draft starts this Thursday. But to maximum television revenue, rounds two and three won’t take place until Friday, and rounds four through seven will be delayed until Saturday. And they say major league baseball games take too long.

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Anthony McCoy, a potential second or third round draft pick out of USC, was academically ineligible to play for the Trojans in this year’s Emerald Bowl. Now he just tested positive for marijuana.

Now the question who will get to him first in the draft, the Oakland Raiders or the New York Jets?

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Regardng that volcano and the cancelled flights – wonder if they’re talking at Carnival Cruise Lines about rebranding their ships as the “Fun way across the Atlantic?”

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So apparently loans from a lot of big foreign banks like Citi and Deutsche Banke were partly to blame for Iceland’s financial collapse in 2008. If so, this volcano could be considered some serious karmic revenge.

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Thought for day. Even the worst airline across the Atlantic beats NO airlines across the Atlantic.

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Back in the U.S, five major domestic airlines agreed not to charge for carry-ons. No word on if the agreement – A- is valid beyond the end of April, 2010, or B – doesn’t preclude “carry-ons” soon being classified as “nothing bigger than a breadbasket.

And why, when I hear that promise not to charge, am I reminded of the scene in “Airplane” where the deranged air traffic controller temporarily pulls the plug on the airline runway lights, then puts it back in and laughs “just kidding.”

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Sharks attacked?

April 15, 2010

Th San Jose Sharks opened yet another playoff series with a loss. And while it’s too late to change names now, maybe it might have been useful to remember, as impressive as their namesake was most of the way through Jaws, the shark killers did win in the end.

New San Jose Sharks playoff slogan for their fans? “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

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In the meantime for fans looking for better news in the San Francisco area, the Giants’ magic number is 151.

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Scary thought for the day – Tiger Woods is only 34 years old. What will he do for a midlife crisis?

KFC’s new “Double Down” sandwich features two fried chicken patties instead of bread. They aren’t a bun, they’re death panels.

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KFC actually has a “healthier” version of the “Double Down” sandwich, with the bacon, cheese and “Colonel’s sauce” sandwiched between two pieces of grilled chicken. With all due respect, maybe people looking for a bacon, cheese and sauce sandwich aren’t going to be listing “healthy” as a top priority?

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The first braille porn book is out. Playboy has had a braille edition for years, but it has included only the written part. If the braille porn book sells and starts a trend, blind Playboy readers too can join in the great American male chorus: “But I only get it for the articles.”

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Elizabeth Taylor denies she is getting married for the ninth time. Note, it’s not necessarily that she’s denying getting married. It’s just that, like John McCain with his houses, she doesn’t remember how many marriages she has had.
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This next joke may not make sense to anyone under 40…but what the heck.

Today, April 15th, would have been the late Elizabeth Montgomery’s 76th birthday, who is best known for playing Samantha on the long-running television comedy “Bewitched.” At this point, Elizabeth would have been old enough that even she wouldn’t remember the difference between Dick Sargent and Dick York.

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April 15 also would have been Leonardo Da Vinci’s 557th birthday. And curiously enough the anniversary of his first appearance on the Larry King show.

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Sarah Palin has apparently made $12 million since leaving office as governor of Alaska. So when she asks ‘How’s that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?”, her own answer has to be “pretty darn well.”

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Swine flu, the Sharks, and other disasters..

April 30, 2009

Okay, this is a really really bad pun alert. But lets get it out of the way first.

While many Americans are cancelling their trips because of flu worries, knitting club has decided to go ahead with their plans to attend a knitting convention.  Their reason, they decided to put purls before swine.

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In affirming the FCC’s right to fine broadcasters who use the F-word on the airline,  Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia in his opinion referred to the “foul-mouthed glitterari from Hollywood.”

As opposed to the foul-mouthed glittering former Vice President?  (Who in 2004 famously told Senator Patrick Leahy to  “f**k himself.”)

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President Obama was asked if we should close our borders with Mexico.

Like we could do that?

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Nostalgia is a relative thing.  These days, it’s about thinking of those trips to Mexico where you most worried about getting Montezuma’s revenge.

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After yet another early round playoff ouster, should the San Jose Sharks change their name to the San Jose Oysters?    Because they can be great, but never in a month without an “R” in it.

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“April is the cruelest month.”  Who knew T.S. Eliot was a Sharks fan?”

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The state of Texas has suspended high school sports, including baseball and softball,  through  May 11.    Which most Texans think is unfortunate but not a disaster, as it would be if the swine flu hit during football season.

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If you think you had a bad day at work, imagine what it’s like working in the Mexican Tourism Office.

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Taylor Hicks, the season five winner on American Idol, appeared on the show tonight and delivered a, well,  decent performance.  He told the remaining contestants,  the secrets were song selection,  bringing your  “A” game,  and being lucky enough to have been a contestant on season five.

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Yovani Gallardo of the Milwaukee Brewers not only pitched a shutout against the Pittsburgh Pirate, he hit the game-winning solo home run.

Maybe the San Francisco Giants could figure out a way for this guy – he could bat cleanup.

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Another joke that may only make sense to grouchy San Francisco Giants fans.   What can you say about Fred Lewis in left field?  Only that he makes fans think wistfully about the last few years of the defensive talents of Barry Bonds.

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A relationship with sharks…

April 28, 2009

Now that their team couldn’t move forward out of the first round, hockey fans  might or might not think Woody Allen was anticipating San Jose’s playoff struggles  in 1977:

 

“A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

 

 

So what’s the difference between Sharks coach Todd McLellan and former Sharks coach  Ron Wilson?.    In the end,  about one round in the playoffs..

 

Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford was chosen as the first pick in the draft.  His mission, to turn the team around after eight of the worst years in history.  “Tell me about it” said President Obama.

 

 

On Monday night, the New Orleans Hornets lost by 58 points to the Denver Nuggets.  58 points!!?   Former President Bush called coach Byron Scott afterwards to tell him “Scottie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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John Daly turned 43 today.  As much as many Americans and golfers would like to see their favorite “everyman” succeed, they can take solace in the fact that had he won as many tournaments as his potential indicated,  the PGA might have declared beer a performance enchancing drug.

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So former Michigan quarterback Steven Threet will transfer to Arizona State,  After he transferred from Georgia Tech to Michigan.

Which makes him perhaps the heir-apparent to Jeff  Garcia?

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President Obama, while he filled out an NCAA basketball bracket, chose not to enter an NFL fantasy draft contest.   And then there’s former President George W. Bush, who when asked about the draft, pleaded a prior engagement with the Texas National Air Guard.

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