Posted tagged ‘New Orleans jokes’

On the rebound?

January 27, 2016

All 7 New England Patriots selected to the Pro Bowl will miss the game due to “injuries.” Right, they’re sick about losing to Peyton Manning and the Broncos.

Meanwhile, the Spurs did not appear TOO traumatized by their loss to the Warriors.  (San Antonio 130, Houston 99, and it wasn’t that close.)

Congrats to Gregg Popovich for being named the NBA Western Conference All-Star game coach. Just to show there are no hard feelings over Monday’s loss Pop has promised to make sure Steph Curry and Draymond Green both get to play at least 46 minutes.

Cam Newton: “I’m an African-American quarterback that may scare a lot of people because they haven’t seen nothing that they can compare me to.” Even Joe Namath is thinking, “Kid, just a LITTLE humility, please.”

A Twitter rumor has the New England Patriots talking to Stanford quarterback Kevin Hogan.  Say it ain’t so. Did Hogan tell them Stanford has an Honor Code that says no cheating?

 

Today is the ‪#‎ProBowl‬ draft?! And if you knew that and cared, you might REALLY have too much time on your hands.

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch has waived his fight against extradition and will be returning to Texas. Translation, Mexican detention centers probably aren’t the Four Seasons.

So when ‪#‎AbeVigoda‬ showed up at the pearly gates wonder if St. Peter originally waived him off with “Go home, you’re not fooling me.”

An American Airlines flight from London to Los Angeles had to turn around and return to Heathrow today due to some medical emergency involving passengers and crew. Let’s hope they didn’t have the fish.

 

Got to love New Orleans priorities. A major 6 alarm fire in an empty building near the French Quarter has thankfully so far not resulted in any injuries. And the local headline “Canal Street fire could affect Mardi Gras parade route

There’s a thing going around  Facebook, if you were kidnapped, what TV shows’ characters would you want to come rescue you? Forget all these cop shows – give me Downton Abbey: NOBODY messes with the Dowager Duchess and Lady Mary.

Donald Trump’s campaign manager – “What we know is Megyn Kelly is totally obsessed with Mr. Trump.” Uh, who is totally obsessed with who?

So no one can figure out how to stop Donald Trump. Here’s an idea. Tell him if he is elected President all major networks will jointly appoint Megyn Kelly as their White House Correspondent.

Ben Carson says about the election, “I see the threat being the fact that people sometimes are not well educated.”They don’t have a clue what you’re talking about, and yet these are people who vote.”
Right, and this is the same good doctor who says being gay is a choice and that the Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns.

 

U.S. public health officials are warning that we need to be prepared for the almost certain spread of the Zika virus. Waiting for anti-government types to demand that the feds do more to keep us safe.

 

 

Was at the bank today in Los Altos where the older woman in front of me apologized to the teller and stood back a bit from the counter, saying she had just come back from the Caribbean, had been bitten by some mosquitoes, and was afraid she might be contagious with the Zika virus. Sigh. Here we go again. ‪#‎nothingtofearbutfearitself‬ ‪#‎feariswinning‬

Midlife madness.

March 21, 2015

Biggest surprise for casual fans who usually only watch NBA finals but tune into ‪#‎Marchmadness‬: Many white men do play basketball.

Lots of empty seats at the UAB vs UCLA second round game in Louisville. Guess Iowa State and SMU fans tore up rather than sold their tickets

 

The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Giants, looking at a possible 2015 power drought, want to expand Barry Bonds’ presence with the team. Giants President Larry Baer “we’re trying to do something a little more than just coming down to spring training.” Hmm, like starting in left field?

Regarding this “party of stupid” thing, have to wonder what the Republicans think they are doing holding up the Loretta Lynch Attorney General nomination. Because until she is confirmed, that job belongs to that GOP “favorite” Eric Holder.

 

Okay, just guessing a tweet like this has never before been sent by an NFL player. From Baltimore Ravens OL John Urshel: “My paper, A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector…, has been published in the Journal of Computational Mathematics.”

And in the SEC they’re thinking, “Big deal, we’ve also had a player or two major in foreign languages.”

Say it ain’t so. So season six of Downton Abbey will be its last. On the brighter side, at least we don’t have to deal with the horror of watching Lady Mary go through menopause.

A man was shot at New Orleans Airport yesterday after attacking TSA workers. No word on his name but can’t be a member of last year’s Saints defense – they couldn’t hurt anyone..

Richard White, the 63 year old Louisiana taxi driver who was shot while assaulting TSA workers at New Orleans Airport, has died. He also apparently was carrying a bag filled with a half-dozen gas-filled Molotov cocktails and a barbecue lighter. Not sure White’s motive, but FOX News’s reaction will no doubt be to criticize Obama for not condemning “radical Islam.”

 

Gwyneth Paltrow, in an interview with CNN Money this week. “I’m incredibly close to the common woman…. in that I’m a woman, and a mother”. Anyone but me have this evil urge to watch “Sliding Doors” again and have her tragically caught in those closing doors?”

Steve Nash, 41, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

From T.C.  “The Canadian Diving Team finished with 5 medals this week at the FINA Diving World Series in Dubai. Montreal Canadiens’ PK Subban, who was fined for his 3rd diving infraction last week by the NHL, was not part of the team in Dubai.”

(For non-Canadians and/or non-hockey fans… substitute Blake Griffin for PK Subban)

When the lights go down, in the city….

February 3, 2013

If San Francisco 49ers came back to win this Super Bowl would players have voted a game share to the Superdome electricians?

They may have lost in the end but San Francisco 49ers came close enough to taking the lead in the fourth quarter that  the Baltimore Ravens almost sent a coach to see if they could pull the plug on the Superdome lights again.

Meanwhile on Fox News wonder how long it took them to blame the power outage on Obama?

Super Bowl XLVII is over. The Super Bowl XLVIII pregame show starts tomorrow.

 

And across America how many dads are telling their daughters, “No, you are NOT dressing as Beyonce next Halloween”?

Jim Harbaugh’s oldest child is an assistant coach for the Baltimore Ravens. Thinking Jay is not in line this year for a warm fuzzy Valentine’s Day card from father to son..

The 49ers were called for an illegal formation on the first play of the Super Bowl. If anyone needed proof that you can over think sports…

Roger Goodell said this morning he would “absolutely” let his son play football. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

On “Face the Nation”, Goodell declined to confirm that there is a proven connection between the football and medical problems in retired players. Even Bud Selig is thinking “How deliberately oblivious can you be?”

Hearing about Wayne LaPierre getting attacked on Fox News for his extreme views on guns… It’s enough to make you wonder if there should be a mental health requirement to be an NRA executive.

 

John Harbaugh, taking a safety and running the clock down to 4 seconds at the end of the Super Bowl – basically telling his younger brother “Age and treachery can overcome youth and skill.”

 

At the end, all SF 49ers needed to win Super Bowl was the Stanford Band.

New Orleans City Council Pres. Stacy Head said tonight she hoped power outage wouldn’t hurt the city’s 2018 Super Bowl bid, adding she would rather sit through a temporary power outage than watch a 3 hour game in sub-freezing temperature. Your move, Chris Christie.

 

The logic that says you do or don’t make a call based on where you are in an NFL game makes the balk call in baseball look reasonable.

 

All this controversy over Chuck Hagel as potential Defense secretary. Well, suppose it’s what President Obama gets for nominating a Democrat with no military experience. Uh, wait… never mind.

End of the weak jokes.

September 1, 2012

So the GOP is done with their convention,  and next week it’s the Democrats’ turn.   Former President Bill Clinton is expected to play a large role this time around.  Rumor has it he’s already volunteered to help the Secret Service with their advance scouting.

 

 

Quote of the week?. “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts,” Some crazy Democrat? No, Karl Rove.

In Texas, Allen High School has just opened $60 million double-decked stadium that seats 18,000 and features a 38 ft HD video screen. Wonder if it’s part of the school’s grand plan to apply to join the SEC?

Meanwhile,  not saying that #21 Stanford looked underwhelming in beating San Jose State 20-17.  But the chair looked better against Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood was supposed to talk for five minutes.   He talked for 11.  Maybe the man Clint really should have been endorsing was Joe Biden.

 

The happiest sentence at BCS headquarters this week – “Boise State is 0-1.”

That “old retread” California Governor Jerry Brown, 74, said he ran 3 miles in 29 minutes this week. And challenged Chris Christie to a footrace. Now there’s a political contest I’d pay to see.

Michigan star RB Fitzgerald Toussaint, arrested for DUI in July with .12 BAL, has been suspended for just 1 game after pleading guilty to a lesser charge. The charge – “operating a vehicle while visually impaired.” “While visually impaired?” And we thought some steroid excuses were creative.

Mitt Romney was in Louisiana today, where the New Orleans levees so far have held. Wonder if someone  warned Mitt it might not be best time or place to rail against what Government has built.

Marco Rubio last night said that the GOP “chose more government instead of more freedom.” He apologized for the flub. But actually Rubio was being honest if you talk about marriage and women’s reproductive health….

 

From T.C.  On 84 year-old Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for the past 63 years,  signing up for 2013. “That said, the Dodgers have listed him as day-to-day.”

Despite just adding $262 million to their payroll, the Dodgers are 3-7 in their last ten games.  l Not sure who first said money can’t buy happiness.  But for right now Boston Red Sox and and SF Giants fans would beg to differ.

A relationship with sharks…

April 28, 2009

Now that their team couldn’t move forward out of the first round, hockey fans  might or might not think Woody Allen was anticipating San Jose’s playoff struggles  in 1977:

 

“A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

 

 

So what’s the difference between Sharks coach Todd McLellan and former Sharks coach  Ron Wilson?.    In the end,  about one round in the playoffs..

 

Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford was chosen as the first pick in the draft.  His mission, to turn the team around after eight of the worst years in history.  “Tell me about it” said President Obama.

 

 

On Monday night, the New Orleans Hornets lost by 58 points to the Denver Nuggets.  58 points!!?   Former President Bush called coach Byron Scott afterwards to tell him “Scottie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

 –

John Daly turned 43 today.  As much as many Americans and golfers would like to see their favorite “everyman” succeed, they can take solace in the fact that had he won as many tournaments as his potential indicated,  the PGA might have declared beer a performance enchancing drug.

So former Michigan quarterback Steven Threet will transfer to Arizona State,  After he transferred from Georgia Tech to Michigan.

Which makes him perhaps the heir-apparent to Jeff  Garcia?


President Obama, while he filled out an NCAA basketball bracket, chose not to enter an NFL fantasy draft contest.   And then there’s former President George W. Bush, who when asked about the draft, pleaded a prior engagement with the Texas National Air Guard.


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