Posted tagged ‘Clint Eastwood jokes’

How sweet it is?

February 7, 2014

One of the sweetest phrases in the English language today “Pitchers and catchers report.”

 

Rand Paul now says that any Democrat who has had a fundraiser with former President Clinton should return the $$ to protest his sexual behavior in the White House. While Paul is at it, why isn’t he demanding the resignation of say, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?

 

Clint Eastwood, 83, apparently saved the AT&T tournament director’s life last night in Pebble Beach by performing the Heimlich maneuver when the man was choking on a piece of cheese. So I guess to the question “Do you feel lucky, punk?” the answer was “Yes!”

From Bill Littlejohn:   “Clint Eastwood used the Heimlich maneuver to save the life of the choking Pebble Beach tournament director.Subsequently, they want Clint to stay close to tourney participant Peyton Manning”

 

Joe Biden on the Presidency “There’s no obvious reason for me why I think I should not run.” Uh, maybe that he wouldn’t win?

On the other hand, Joe Biden vs. Chris Christie in a debate?   A comedy writers dream.  And a guaranteed 3 second delay with the censors.

FSU coach Jimbo Fisher said QB Jameis Winston might play two more years in college, and Winston says he could be right. Of course, may depend on who has the #1 draft pick. #anyonebuttheraiders

 

So with the horror stories coming out of Sochi will “plausibly live” this year at the Olympics mean media people after several days with no working showers or drinking water?

Although back in the USA.  Have to love the written airline safety card in exit row seatbacks that says if you lack the ability to read the instructions you must identify yourself to a crew member to be reseated….

Knicks coach Mike Woodson “This year has been, for me, it’s been kind of a disaster from a coaching standpoint.” And fans are thinking, “What about from the standpoint of us poor fools who bought season tickets?”

 

So far the biggest mishap at the actual Sochi games has been an opening ceremony that was one ring short. “Tell us about it” said Broncos fans

 

Alex Rodriguez has dropped his lawsuit against MLB and will accept their ban. Maybe because even Perry Mason would have told A-Rod he had no chance.

Now the FAA is investigating Justin Bieber’s flight to the US over marijuana allegations. Maybe President Obama really should consider that deportation petition. Think of the U.S. taxpayer money it would save on law enforcement
 

Talk to me?

September 18, 2012

Friends of Amanda Bynes are reportedly worried about her, one told TMZ he saw her on several occasions having long conversations with inanimate objects. But maybe Amanda’s fine, she’s just auditioning for a part in the next Clint Eastwood movie?

The author of “50 Shades of Gray,” E.L. James, who has 15 and 17 year old boys, says the books are her “fantasies writ large.” And you think your mother was embarrassing when you were a teenager…

USC coach Lane Kiffin said that Matt Barkley made two “really poor decisions” in the Stanford game, but also that the offensive line “did have the most missed assignments we ever had anywhere we’ve been.” Way to have your team’s back, Lane.

President Obama will appear on the Kansas ballot after a state board ended its birth certificate probe. Not because of evidence, but because the “birther” dropped his suit, saying he had been threatened. Kind of makes you see why the state doesn’t teach evolution.

 

Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar apparently wore eye black during a game against the Red Sox with a gay slur spelled out on it. MLB is looking into the incident . If Escobar doesn’t get fined for the slur, he should be fined for being stupid enough to put it in writing.

Classes were evacuated at LSU due to a bomb threat. Fortunately, that didn’t affect any of the football players.

A librarian claims she lost 76 pounds in two years by only eating at Starbucks. Makes sense, how many calories could she afford?

Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine, regarding his “weakest roster in the history of baseball” comment, now says “that wasn’t meant to be a criticism of any players or anything in the organization.” I think I like “was pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

 

What is it about men from Massachusetts running campaigns for President (who aren’t named Kennedy)?  – Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser: “There are 47 % who will vote for the president no matter what, who are dependent on govt no matter what, that they are victims, who believe that govt. has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing….”

(way to go after that Florida senior vote.)

 

 

More about  comment on the 47% percent of Americans who pay no federal income tax – “I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”    Wonder how many in that category are rich folks with REALLY good accountants and offshore accounts?

 

 

 

End of the weak jokes.

September 1, 2012

So the GOP is done with their convention,  and next week it’s the Democrats’ turn.   Former President Bill Clinton is expected to play a large role this time around.  Rumor has it he’s already volunteered to help the Secret Service with their advance scouting.

 

 

Quote of the week?. “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts,” Some crazy Democrat? No, Karl Rove.

In Texas, Allen High School has just opened $60 million double-decked stadium that seats 18,000 and features a 38 ft HD video screen. Wonder if it’s part of the school’s grand plan to apply to join the SEC?

Meanwhile,  not saying that #21 Stanford looked underwhelming in beating San Jose State 20-17.  But the chair looked better against Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood was supposed to talk for five minutes.   He talked for 11.  Maybe the man Clint really should have been endorsing was Joe Biden.

 

The happiest sentence at BCS headquarters this week – “Boise State is 0-1.”

That “old retread” California Governor Jerry Brown, 74, said he ran 3 miles in 29 minutes this week. And challenged Chris Christie to a footrace. Now there’s a political contest I’d pay to see.

Michigan star RB Fitzgerald Toussaint, arrested for DUI in July with .12 BAL, has been suspended for just 1 game after pleading guilty to a lesser charge. The charge – “operating a vehicle while visually impaired.” “While visually impaired?” And we thought some steroid excuses were creative.

Mitt Romney was in Louisiana today, where the New Orleans levees so far have held. Wonder if someone  warned Mitt it might not be best time or place to rail against what Government has built.

Marco Rubio last night said that the GOP “chose more government instead of more freedom.” He apologized for the flub. But actually Rubio was being honest if you talk about marriage and women’s reproductive health….

 

From T.C.  On 84 year-old Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for the past 63 years,  signing up for 2013. “That said, the Dodgers have listed him as day-to-day.”

Despite just adding $262 million to their payroll, the Dodgers are 3-7 in their last ten games.  l Not sure who first said money can’t buy happiness.  But for right now Boston Red Sox and and SF Giants fans would beg to differ.

Knicks are Roll-Lin

February 9, 2012

Sign held by an Asian man at Verizon Center where the Jeremy Lin led Knicks beat the Washington Wizards – “Who says we can’t drive?”

Unclear on the concept: Jeremy Lin’s former Palo Alto High coach Peter Diepenbrock “In the last 24 hours, I’ve taken calls from more than 12 different sportswriters in New York alone, I didn’t even know New York had that many sportswriters.” Uh, coach, New York has expotentially more sportswriters than 12 just covering the Yankees.

Madonna is going to be performing at HP Pavilion, aka the “Shark Tank.” Unlike the San Jose Sharks, however, Madonna has actually made it to a championship game.

Mitt Romney said today he’s going to be more aggressive in campaigning against Rick Santorum. Translation, “those Super PACS that I know absolutely nothing about and don’t communicate with are going to get a lot more nasty.”

Enlightened male award of the day to Brandon Jacobs of the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants, for his comments about Giselle Bundchen. “She just needs to continue to be cute and shut up.” As if men listen to anything super models say anyway.

(Update, tonight Jacobs apologized for his words. Which means he probably heard from a higher authority -his wife.)

Okay, now that Super Bowl betting is over, who’d have wagered that there would be a political controversy over a Clint Eastwood ad? And that Clint would be accused of trying to support a Democratic president?

But really, Clint Eastwood makes an ad that can be seen as pro-Obama? Right. Next you’ll be telling me that Bill O’Reilly is supporting Ellen Degeneres.

Actually if Eastwood gets mad enough at all these Republican attacks, maybe he WILL make an ad supporting Obama.

The Minnesota Twins are auctioning off a baseball signed before a game last July by Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. No guesses as to the estimated price but expect buyer’s remorse 72 days later.

Sean Hannity said that if President Obama had his way, Bin Laden would still be alive. and he thinks “that can be proved as well on tape.” Assume that tape is in the same place as Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate?

Apparently there are plans afoot to televise Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’s divorce proceedings. Well, those proceedings could last longer than the marriage.

Alan Silverleib of CNN wrote a post titled “Conservatives still resist Romney.” Which basically says they doubt his authenticity. As a moderate liberal, can I add “‘Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country?”

Memphis has announced they will become the newest Big East member. Well, they are east of new members San Diego State, Boise State, Houston and SMU. (Although the city IS west of, for example, Chicago.)

U Conn’s mens basketball, facing sanctions for poor academic performance, is suggesting that the Huskies reduce the # of games they play next year if the NCAA will waive their punishment of being banned from 2013’s March Madness tournament. Can’t imagine how the school gets the reputation of thinking the rules don’t apply to them.

With Proposition 8 being at least temporarily overturned in California, one argument that comes up during the gay marriage debate is that legalizing it will lead to people marrying their pets. Which isn’t going to happen. On the other hand, doesn’t mean that some pets aren’t better in relationships than some humans.