Posted tagged ‘USC jokes’

Rough niht?

August 31, 2019

fiht

And this is the school so many rich people paid big bucks to bribe their children’s way into…?

Meanwhile, Northwestern played Stanford in the Nerd Bowl.  Wonder if officials were ever tempted to say it was 3rd and 3.14159.

If Oregon hadn’t choked away tonight’s matchup with Auburn, SEC would have lost five games in one day…. Just saying.

Baseball in 2019. Minnesota Twins hit six home runs in one game….and LOSE 10-7. If the ball were any more juiced it would be sponsored by Minute Maid.

Lebron James is trying to trademark “Taco Tuesday.”    Because he’s the only one who thought of it?  Other than almost every Mexican food chain and taqueria in the country?  WTF?

Many of us have different choices in next year’s election. Can we all agree that any fundraising email marked “urgent” triggers the “delete” button?

What customs officials originally thought was a “huge drugs bust” at Gatwick Airport in London turned out to be vegan cake mix.

Now, some vegan cakes are criminally bad…but yeah, this did seem like overkill.

The first person shot by today’s mass killer was a police officer during a attempted traffic stop. But tell me again how arming kindergarten teachers will keep our children safe?

 

Guess the optics weren’t good for Trump to spend weekend at Bedminster with Dorian approaching so he sneaked off to golf from Camp David.
Sunday morning will Donald have a moment of silence for Odessa victims on the first tee?

Trump had a meltdown today about “Disgusting and foul mouthed Omarosa.” So why doesn’t he fire the idiot who hired her?
Trump RTs a lot of stuff on Dorian, including a Red Cross tweet praising military spouses who volunteer. This at the same time he denies citizenship to military children born overseas AND deports military spouses. He has no shame. There is no bottom.

Good for you.

October 20, 2015

A new study indicates that instead of fighting cancer, antioxidants in food might actually help the cancer cells grow faster. So once again, maybe the rule is, eat what you want and wait for the studies to change in your favor.

So just wonder why ANYONE is pitching to Daniel Murphy about now? ‪#‎MetsvsCubs‬

Jim Webb will drop out of the Presidential race today. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t yet realize he was in it.

Meanwhile, over on the GOP side, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, Rick Santorum. Bobby Jindal and former Jim Gilmore (who?)- are all polling at zero. So considering the margin of error is about 3% they could all be in negative numbers.

Khloe Kardashian spoke out about Lamar Odom’s hospitalization today, saying the past week has been “incredibly difficult.” “I feel so sorry for her,” said nobody.

There are rumors that Pete Carroll may leave Seattle and become coach-gm for an NFL team moving to Los Angeles. So Pete misses coaching a Southern California professional team like USC?

Now Starbucks has a new “Beast Mode frappuccino,” in honor of Marshawn Lynch. So do you have have to order it without saying a word?

Yesterday a Liberal Prime Minister was elected in Canada. Today the Blue Jays lost 14-2. Waiting for Canadian Conservatives to take a page from their U.S. counterparts and blame Trudeau.

The French luxury brand Chanel has bought Napa’s St. Supery Estate Vineyards and Winery . The current owner, who started St. Supery in the late 80s, said Channel will “continue (his) vision.” That and slap a label with C’s on it and charge triple the the price.

Apparently Stanford tailback Christian McCaffrey is now in the Heisman Trophy conversation after gaining 369 all-purpose yards, tops in the FBS this season, against UCLA. If this keeps up McCaffrey may get a trip to New York to watch LSU’s Leonard Fournette accept the award.

While Oscar Munoz recovers from a heart attack, United Airlines, which has been trying to improve their image, has named Brett Hart, the airline’s executive V.P and general counsel, as acting CEO. Two of Hart’s responsibilities have been United’s “contact centers” and “food services.” Oh, well, he should be just wonderful then…..

Political consultant Mike Murphy, who leads a pro-Jeb Bush super PAC, dismissed Donald Trump by saying “I don’t think you can be a front-runner if you’re totally unelectable.” So is that what happened to Jeb?

About a week after RB Derrick Coleman was arrested for DUI, Seattle RB crashed his car today near the team facility. amidst allegations of drag-racing.The Seahawks may have blown the 2015 Super Bowl by going to the air, but these days doesn’t seem like they are that good on the ground either.

Paul Ryan says he would be willing to serve as Speaker of the House if Republicans will unite. And then presumably the GOP will change their symbol from an elephant to a flying pig?

Beside demanding unity, Paul Ryan wants to make sure that leading the House GOP will still allow him to spend time for his wife and three children: “I cannot and will not give up my family time.” And of course if Ryan becomes speaker one of his top priorities will be a Family Leave Act…. ‪#‎yeahright‬ ‪#‎familyvalueswhenitsmyfamily‬

Texas officials announced this week that they will end Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood clinics, using the excuse that there are allegations that the women’s health organization is profiting from the sale of “aborted baby parts.” Well, at least they will use all the saved money to increase funding for poor mothers and children. Oh, wait, never mind.

Just wonder how many GOP heads would explode in ‪#‎Texas‬ if pregnant women started bringing guns into hospitals and demanding abortions?

Hits by pitch?

October 12, 2015

Scoring 13 runs against the team that took out your starting shortstop really IS the best revenge.

Some of these MLB  Postseason‬ games are beginning to resemble those Little League games where teams all run out of pitching.

So since MLB would not hear his appeal today, Chase Utley could have played tonight. Which might have brought a whole new audience to NLDS game 3, including those who felt gypped on Mayweather-Pacquiao.

Ouch, a 6-2 lead with 2 innings to go in a series clinching game. The 2015 ‪#‎Astros‬ are getting sympathy messages from 2002 ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎ALDS‬

Donald Trump thinks Tuesday’s Democratic debate won’t be very well-rated because he isn’t in it, and “and people are gonna get bored and turn it off.”
Well, he is probably right. Because most Americans aren’t really ready to pay attention to the Presidential election. But we always love watching a good train wreck.

Gennifer Flowers is back, saying she has things in a safety deposit box to ensure her “safety, and that Bill’s infidelity “should come back up with the circumstances, with Hillary running. It should come back to the forefront again.”
Translation, someone might actually pay me money to talk again.

A day after USC ordered their coach to take a leave of absence,and AD Pat Haden says “it was very clear to me that he is not healthy,” the Trojans have fired Steve Sarkasian. That stampeding sound you hear is from a whole lot of rushing Los Angeles employment lawyers.

My friend Alex Kaseberg’s take on Sarkisian’s original leave of absence for “ an undisclosed condition.  ” I can disclose the condition: losing.”

In all seriousness, if USC had started 5-0 does anyone doubt that Sarkisian would not only still have a job, he’d be able to have a flask attached to his headset?

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent out a tweet today “congratulations to the @astros for advancing to the ALCS. Looking for an all-Texas ‪#‎ALCS‬. Looking at you @Rangers.” And somewhere W. and Rick Perry are thinking “And we’re supposed to be the stupid ones?”

An Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing today when a credit card reader on board caught fire. So how many snack boxes and drinks were they selling to get it that overheated?

Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer Minnesota will apparently not be charged for the shooting of Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe. Know Palmer paid $50,000 for the original hunting permit, wonder how much he paid for the verdict.

These days it’s harder to figure out what channel the playoff games are on than to explain the infield fly rule. ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬ ‪#‎ALDS‬ ‪#‎NLDS‬

Florida QB Will Grier has thrown for 10 TDs and 1,204 yards for the Gators. Today he was suspended for PED’s. Well, on the bright side, at least Grier may have proven he’s NFL ready.

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In San Antonio, Texas, a husband fatally shot his wife last weekend in their house. He claims he mistook her in the middle of the night for an intruder. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

Apparently Pepsi is launching a new cellphone. Presume the phone won’t lose power, it will just go flat?

Some Democrats are looking forward to the first debate because “Democrats will finally be in the headlines.” Right, just below the headline of whatever insane thing Trump or Carson or Fiorina says tomorrow.

South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier said he is retiring effectively immediately. Now before the season Spurrier said “We were 11-2 and ranked fourth in the country this time a year ago, and nobody said a damn word. Now a year later I’m suddenly too old..” Amazing how much a 2-4 start will make a man feel his age.

Slip, sliding away

October 11, 2015

Give Chase Utley‬ credit, during the middle of football season he got a whole lot of U.S. sports fans talking about baseball

Chase Utley suspended for two games. Might be safer than if Don Mattingly had dared to put him at Citifield in New York anyway 

How much more perfect could it be if the NLDS series hero turns out to be Wilmer Flores?

Not surprisingly, Mets fans tend to think Utley’s slide was dirty, Dodgers fans tend to think it was just good hard baseball.  So assume if Mets player injures Dodgers 2nd baseman Howie Kendrick with an Utley-like slide in game 3, LA will have no problem with it?

The ‪#‎Saints‬ may be interested in signing Chase Utley for defense. ‪#‎bettertackling‬

Houston ‪#‎Astros‬ were the lowest seeded team into the 2015 ‪#‎MLBPlayoffs‬. Lowest team in 2014? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

USC has apparently told coach Steve Sarkisian to take a leave of absence. Sort of like much of the Trojans football team has been doing all season?

Oregon’s football team has THREE losses? For some players it’s the first time they’ve had to count that high.

But okay, the Ducks might not even be the most disappointing football team in the Northwest  #SeattleSeahawks.

Apparently an increasing number of Canadians want to build a wall to keep Americans out. Maybe this is Trump’s grand plan. Not to win the presidency but to get the building contract.

Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill saying California schools will no longer be allowed to use “Redskins” as a mascot or team name. Professional teams aren’t mentioned, but, at least this won’t be an issue during the 2016 Super Bowl in Santa Clara.

A man was shot and seriously injured tonight in Arlington, TX, in a parking lot shared by the Rangers and Cowboys. A suspect is in custody with no further details. But just guessing he’s not one of those wacky Blue Jays fans.

Trump clearly is tired of Ben Carson getting all the headlines, saying today 200,000 Syrian migrants coming into the US “‘could make the Trojan horse look like peanuts if these people turned out to be a lot of ISIS”

President Obama said that John Boehner’s departure could worsen Congressional gridlock. You mean it’s possible to go slower than a dead stop?

Any given Saturday?

September 19, 2015

Stanford’s road to the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl might have hit a  speed bump tonight.

‪#‎Fearthetree‬ ‪#‎Nerdnation‬ ‪#‎GoStanford‬. “Saw this coming” said NOBODY. ‪#‎STANvsUSC‬

Headline you didn’t expect to see- “Ohio State holds off Northern Illinois, 20-13.” Sounds like the Buckeyes’ players took this game about as seriously as they take their classes.

Notre Dame won today but safety Drue Tranquill injured his right knee chest-bumping a teammate after breaking up a pass in the first half. So Touchdown Jesus may be backing the Fighting Irish, but Mean Bitch Karma still doesn’t like showboating.

Author Jackie Collins has passed away at 77. And millions of women are thinking, “How sad.” Millions of men are going “Who?”

Marshawn Lynch filmed an entire Pepsi ad without speaking. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him.

In New York City, authorities have closed a child-care center after staff members were accused of accidentally leaving a 2-year-old-boy at a playground. Apparently they just miscounted the children. Yeah, who really needs math anyway?

Donald Trump just released a policy paper saying he wants to end bans on certain gun types, and that he supports nationwide concealed carry permits. Fine. Can the Donald start by allowing concealed carry at all his campaign events?

A 91-year-old Florida man, Max Horton, was arrested for allegedly shooting at his neighbors’ landscapers because they got lawn clippings on his caregivers car. In 2013, he was accused of threatening Florida Hospital staffers, telling them he had a gun in his car and they’d be sorry if he went to get it. And this time police said, while being taken to jail, Horton also allegedly threatened to get “payback” on his neighbors.
Thinking this is not what our forefathers meant by a well-regulated militia

Guess Sarah Palin couldn’t let her daughter have all the headlines, so she too is ranting over Ahmed Mohamed, saying the boy is an “obstinate-answering student” (say what?) , and that his device “obviously could be seen by conscientious teachers as a dangerous wired-up bomb-looking contraption.” Adding “Right, if that’s a clock, I’m the Queen of England.”
So in addition to everything else Sarah has delusions of royalty?

Trump says “I am not morally obligated” to correct a man who claimed Obama was a Muslim. Uh, Trump was correct after the first 11 letters.

A shocking upset in the rugby World Cup, as Japan upset South Africa. Shocking the Japanese especially. “We have a rugby team?

A new iiPhone app will tell users how much time they have wasted playing games and checking social media. So will the app also have the ability to check how much time you waste checking it?

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My friend Owen Byrd shares this tweet from @JaymayAllDay – ‪#‎wishIhadsaidthis‬ : “If Carly Fiorina really wants to destroy Planned Parenthood, she should become its CEO.”

Blowing in the wind.

August 26, 2015

Seriously, it is getting REALLY old in this country when the response is “Did you hear about the mass shooting? And the response is “Which one?”

Can we make a deal here with some of the Presidential candidates? We will considering tweaking the 14th Amendment if they will consider tweaking the 2nd.

The man who shot and killed a Virginia news crew on air has died of his self-inflicted gunshot injuries. Once again, why can’t these a**holes who plan a murder-suicide reverse the order?

#‎JoshDuggar‬ has announced he has checked into rehab. So congrats to all those who had August 26 in the pool.

Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” is now celebrating its 40th anniversary. So now they’re riding “through the mansions of glory in suicide machines” with their left blinker on.

The musical “Rent:” will return to New York City this fall for it’s 20th anniversary. Not sure of ticket prices but still might be the only Rent most young people in NY can now afford.

The Steelers have signed Michael Vick as a backup QB to Ben Rothlisberger. Wow. Dog killing and alleged rape. Where’s a good NFL bounty program when you really need one?

#‎USC‬ coach ‪#‎SteveSarkisian‬ has banned parents from practice. What, is he afraid they will make him wash his mouth out with soap?

President Obama will be in New Orleans tomorrow, near the anniversary of Katrina. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal – “I understand that your emphasis in New Orleans will – rightly – be an economic development, the temptation to stray into climate change politics should be resisted.”

Right, because no one in the city cares about weather.

Junior Gallette, released by the New Orleans Saints after two alleged domestic violence incidents, and signed by Washington, has apparently torn his Achilles tendon. Sometimes Roger Goodell has nothing on that mean bitch, karma.

Some stories almost don’t need a punchline. The NYPD is looking for officers to volunteer for their “newly formed Times Square unit,” in large part because of the increasing numbers of topless women there. Chief James O’Neil – “Times Square is an important piece of real estate in New York City. We have to pay attention to what goes on there.”

Hope the number of volunteers didn’t crash the NYPD server.

When ball hit straight in air up falls between home & pitcher’s mound for 2B hit time for ‪#‎MLB‬ to introduce a “team error” ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬

Meanwhile, SF Giants have starting shortstop (Crawford), second baseman (Panik)) both centerfielder (Pagan-Blanco) and right fielder(Pence) injured. The Chicago Cubs have been batting their pitcher 8th. With Madison Bumgarner pitching tomorrow have to figure he should bat at least 5th.

So Wednesday in Santa Clara SF 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks was charged with misdemeanor sexual battery at the same time Ray McDonald was indicted for rape. Since 2012, the Niners now have had 7 players with a NFL-high total of 12 arrests. Well, at least they lead the league in something.

The horror.

August 26, 2015

Now Fox News chair & CEO Roger Ailes is blasting Trump for his “surprise and unprovoked attack on Megyn Kelly.”

Oh, this awful Republican on Republican violence..

Donald Trump is attacking Megyn Kelly AGAIN on Twitter, saying she is “really off her game” after her vacation, and he liked “The Kelly File much better without @megynkelly. Perhaps she could take another eleven day unscheduled vacation! ”

Are we sure the Donald hasn’t confused Kelly with one of his ex-wives?

Benches cleared tonight in New York when the Astros’ Carlos Gomez told the Yankees’ dugout to”shut up,” Not sure how Houston might do in the post season, but Gomez might be on his way to becoming most Americans’ favorite player.

Sad to say but with all the expensive contracts the Dodgers picked up at the trade deadline the Giants’ would have probably been better off if they had somehow worked out a deal with LA for Matt Cain.

Detroit Lions’ safety, Glover Quin, when asked about the Packers’ Jordy Nelson’s season-ending injury, included in his answer “God had meant for Jordy to be hurt.”

And somewhere God is thinking “How ridiculous. As if I care about football until after the World Series.”

USC coach Steve Sarkasian said he had mixed alcohol and medications before his profane rant at last week’s “Salute to Troy.”

Sarkisian said he didn’t have a drinking problem but that through AD Pat Haden and “through the university, I’m going to find that out. I’m going to go to treatment. I’m going to deal with it.” Translation, it was go into treatment or be fired.

So ESPN’s Curt Schilling is apologizing today for a tweet he sent out this morning (and then deleted) with a meme that compared Muslims to Nazis.
Only person at the network who has to be happy about this is Cris Carter.

Meanwhile, here’s a thought on how to reduce injuries at MLB parks: If you want to pay more attention to your phone or your friends than the game, don’t buy seats near the field.

So I think I’ve got the GOP talking points straight: The more than doubling of the stock market since President Obama took office is something that had nothing to do with him, but the recent drops are all his fault….

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley and Kansas Governor Sam Brownback wrote a letter to the Obama administration threatening to sue if detainees from Guantanamo Bay, are brought to military installations in their states.

Then they no doubt lambasted the President for not making good on his promise to close Guantanamo down.

Donald Trump says he is “never eating Oreos again” after the company announced it’s moving a factory to Mexico.

Hands up for all those who think Trump has ever eaten an Oreo in his adult life.

School daze

August 24, 2015

Apparently a number of incoming Duke freshman refused to read the graphic novel “Fun Home” which was part of their summer reading list, saying the sexuality conflicted with their Christian beliefs.

And I’m sure all of those young men and women will be home studying this fall rather than attending fraternity parties.

The Sigma Nu fraternity at Old Dominion has been suspended after posting banners on their house during Freshman orientation.  “ROwdy anD Fun, hope your baby girl is ready for a good time.”   “Freshman daughter drop off”  and “Go ahead and drop Mom off too.’    Are they being suspended for being offensive, or for being stupid enough to put up the banners, in a social media age, before parents had even left?

(My friend Dean Harpster comments –  “In this day and age, I think we should just be thankful they spelled everything right.”)

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USC has apparently just banned alcohol from their football locker room. Wait?! USC HAD alcohol in their locker room?! Your move, SEC.

A number of USC players are reportedly unconcerned about not having booze in the locker room any more. As they think the Trojans always played better on grass.

Australian former rugby star Jarryd Hayne looks likely to make the SF 49ers roster after an impressive pre-season game tonight. How long until Donald Trump complains about yet another immigrant taking a job from Americans

The Green Bay Packers announced that Jordy Nelson’s knee injury on Sunday will be season-ending. So who says NFL pre-season games are meaningless?

Consumer Reports says that tests show conventional ground beef is twice as likely as “sustainably sourced ground beef” to contain antibiotic-resistant bacteria. Well, Taco Bell patrons are safe. ‪#‎noactualbeef‬

So some Republicans are both mocking Obama for wasting fuel by flying 14,000 miles on a climate change tour and still saying there is no climate change problem. ‪#‎pickaside‬

North Korea and South Korea have reacted an agreement to de-escalate tensions and North Korea says it “regrets” that South Korean soldiers were injured by landmines. Can we blame Obama? Or Dennis Rodman?

The NFL and ESPN have condemned comments that just came to light from analyst Cris Carter to players at the 2014 NFL Rookie Symposium – saying to have a “fall guy in your crew” in case you get into trouble.
Because Carter was wrong, or because he should have said it to more players?.

American runner Emily Huddle was about to win the Bronze medal at the 10,000 metre race World Championship in Beijing, when she started celebrating one step too soon and was passed by a teammate. On the brighter side, Huddle probably got a consolation phone call from Leon Lett.

FSU’s Dalvin Cook, was found not guilty on a misdemeanor battery charge for allegedly punching a woman in the face outside a Tallahassee bar this June. Last October the Seminoles’ star freshman RB was charged with criminal mischief after a BB gun incident, and in November was cited by Animal Services after chaining three puppies together by the neck.

Cook remains suspended but after the acquittal coach Jimbo Fisher will no doubt try to teach the young man a lesson by reinstating him only after the first quarter against Texas State.

Fight the bleep on?

August 23, 2015

Apparently at Saturday night’s “Salute to Troy” event for USC alums and donors, football coach Steve Sarkisian was drunk, and used “inappropriate” language, including dropping the F-bomb saying of other Pac-12 teams – “they all suck.”

Sarkisan has apologized, but presume he’s also been offered honorary membership in most of USC’s frats.

From the apology  “Pat Haden  (USC athletic director)  talked to me after the event about my actions and I assured him this will not happen again.”   Probably more like Haden saying  “this WILL not happen again.”

The latest high-profile Ashley Madison client to be outed is Jeff Ashton, the Florida state attorney who prosecuted Carey Anthony. Ashton claims he was just “curious” and never went through with an affair. His biography mentions three children, a wife, and “four adult children from previous marriages. (plural.)

So this is the kind of traditional marriage some are trying so hard to protect?

While relief pitchers are sometimes referred to as “firemen,” the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ relievers are making a strong push to be collectively known as “arsonists.”

In Ohio a new bill would ban abortions done because pre-natal tests show Down syndrome. And of course the bill would provide life time healthcare benefits to babies born with Down syndrome… Oops. Never mind. ‪#‎notthatprolife‬

The Atlanta Braves are leaving Turner Field in 2017. Braves fans are hoping they leave the current team behind too.

Amazing how the New England Patriots never had a problem with Roger Goodell’s discipline before this year. I’m sure it’s just coincidence.

Sure looked like Terrell Suggs was trying to re-injure Sam Bradford’s knee last night. So the Ravens LB already seems to be in mid-season form. ‪#‎dirty‬

The National Zoo says Chinese panda Mei Xiang has had twins. How long until Donald Trump refers to them as “anchor cubs?”

Donald Trump, a little light on specifics on how he’s going to manage to deport millions of immigrants. “It’s called management.”
Sure, because if there’s one thing that unites working people in this country it’s such a strong respect for “management.” ‪#‎SMH‬

Carly Fiorina, on Meet the Press “The only people who ask me about Donald Trump are the media. I think the media’s kind of obsessed with Donald Trump honestly, and I think Donald Trump is using the media.”

With all due respect, is anybody but the media asking Fiorina anything?

Shirtless men and women marched in Manhattan Sunday in the “GoTopless Pride Parade” to protest potential regulations against tip-seeking women in Times Square. Clearly they feel they should have more than the right to bare arms.

By the numbers.

September 13, 2014

Virginia Tech, who upset Ohio State last week, today lost to Eastern Carolina. Just thinking if you are a Big Ten fan, might be safe to make vacation plans during the BCS playoffs.

In tonight’s UCLA-Texas football game, UCLA won the coin toss, and elected to defer. But then Texas chose to kick off. So the Bruins got the ball to start BOTH halves. Texas edukation at its finest.

To be fair, maybe the Longhorns wanted to receive in the third half?

Just to put things in perspective, BC, with a 37 to 31 win tonight over USC, was inside the Trojan 35 yard line 7 times. 2 times LESS than Stanford last week.

Unlike Stanford, Boston College decided not to use the 30 yard line to go into their prevent offense.

Although today, Army was shut out by ‪#‎Stanford‬ 35 to 0.   Clearly this is Commander in Chief Obama’s fault.

More “stuff” you cannot make up. Newt Gingrich has now signed the “Family Leader” group’s “Marriage Vow,” which includes a “pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” So Newt will not cheat on Calista, the third wife he cheated with when he was married to his second wife, with whom he cheated with on this first wife….

 

Dan Snyder said of Roger Goodell- “We are fortunate to have him as our Commissioner. The entire Washington Redskins organization strongly endorses his efforts…” Well, yeah, no sh*t. With Goodell lately, the Redskins name drama has been knocked completely off the front page.

 

 

Some statements don’t even need a punchline: This advice to Ray Rice “To Ray, or anybody else… It’s all about how you control yourself.” From Chris Brown.

Taylor Swift is now saying “I didn’t really love any of my exes’ So how long until she turns that sentiment into a song?

New MLB slogan: When we suspend players, it’s because they only illegally hit baseballs.

 

So police were called to that brawl involving the Palins, and the family was asked to leave. No arrests have been made but the investigation is ongoing as apparently it was a “verbal and physical altercation” Guess it’s not just the President Sarah means when she says “Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.”

 

 

 

The average space between airline seats in 1990 was about 34-36 inches, now it’s more like 30-32. Well, it’s a good thing that Americans are getting smaller too…. Oops, never mind.

 

Police detained a man on a Southwest plane in Seattle because on 9/11 other passengers noticed he was using names for his wi-fi hot spot like “Southwest – Bomb on Board.” and “The Bomb is on this Seat.” Then something about the flight attendant being hot. No word on charges, but figure they should include felony stupidity.

Are you ready for some football? (And baseball.)

September 6, 2014

Oops. ESPN headline   “Runs could be scarce when David Price and the Tigers host Madison Bumgarner and the Giants this afternoon.”  (Not only did the Giants win 5-4, it was 4 to 2 after the first.)

 

 

Nice win for #SFGiants vs Detroit. But Miguel Cabrera against Romo? You could probably have gotten better odds that Miggy WOULDN’T have hit a home run. #sfgiants #hangingslider.

 

Beginning to think the 2014 SF Giants strategy is to save all their hits for the first and last two months of the season?

 

Too much bad stuff for one post after Stanford USC game today. But for starters. 6 Red Zone chances for the Cardinal, 10 points. And two PUNTS for Stanford from USC 32 and 29 year line. Closer than the Trojans were when they kicked their 53 yard game-winning FG. #choke

 

Well at least that #stanford fumble saved fans the agony of watching Williamson miss another field goal. #uscvsstan

Though to be honest, happiest people watching USC vs. Stanford game had to be #Oregon fans. Both teams looked bad.

And USC athletic director Pat Haden actually left his spot in the press box  and came down to the field to argue with referees during the Stanford game.  Wonder if Haden gets equally involved if some professor is about to flunk his players?

San Jose State made $1.5 million to travel to Auburn to play the Tigers, , where they were 31 point underdogs. So was one of the oddmakers in Vegas a Spartans alum?

 

Kei Nishikori upset Novak Djokovic. A match that fans of underdogs and Scrabble players must have loved. #usopen.

 

 

Karma’s a mean b*tch. Or maybe just likes blue. Before the Virginia Tech game,  Urban Meyer made ESPN announcers who visited the Buckeyes’ practice change their blue shirts to red and white OSU shirts. Since blue is Michigan’s color…..  (For non-college football fans, Virginia Tech upset Ohio State, in Columbus.)

In general, the Big Ten is looking like an oxymoron.

 

Scotland is set to vote September 18 on breaking away from the United Kingdom. And a new Sunday Times poll shows independence winning 51% to 49%.    If this secession happens can the US suggest it to Texas?

 

 

Watching #Oregon football highlights. Still can’t pick out where they keep the generator to plug in those uniforms.

Cutting truth?

August 29, 2014

Joan Rivers is in a medically induced coma following cardiac arrest and at this point doctors aren’t sure if she will recover. If she doesn’t survive, however, at least they won’t need any additional embalming fluid.

 

5 cuts to go and Michael Sam is still on the #Rams roster. Of course, this would have been easier for Sam if he were drafted by a team with more arrests and suspensions.

Hillary Clinton seems to be trying to distance herself from President Obama. Today she was saying “Don’t wear stupid suits.”

 

With her first child due this fall, Chelsea Clinton has quit her reporter job. Many Americans are shocked. Chelsea Clinton had a reporter job?

USC coach Steve Sarkisian indefinitely suspended Josh Shaw for lying, but today when asked if the star CB could be reinstated responded “”Potentially, sure. Potentially, sure.” As in potentially for the Sept 6. Stanford game?

 

The Indianapolis $tar reports that Colt$ owner Jim Ir$ay has reached a plea deal with his DUI and felony drug po$$e$$ion case. Now let’$ $ee what kind of deal Ir$ay can work out with NFL commi$$ioner Roger Goodell.

The latest GOP attack in Louisiana is that Senator Mary Landrieu is apparently registered to vote at the New Orleans house where her parents live. Guess she have registered her address as a hotel like President George H.W. Bush, or a vacation home like Dick Cheney?

Temple 37, Vanderbilt 7 last night? Vandy is actually part of the SEC. And looking like part of a plan where teams won’t have to go out of conference to schedule cupcakes.

The NFL said they will not fine Ndamukong Suh for roughing Jacksonville QB Chad Henne last Friday. Guess they figure they’ll pull in enough money from Suh during the regular season.

Tony Stewart will race again this weekend, and says that the “tragedy” of hitting Kevin Ward Jr. will “affect my life forever.” Well, it certainly affected Ward’s.

 

Ah the laws of unintended conseqences. The Satanic Temple just announced that based on the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision, their believers should be exempt from any state’s informed consent laws that require women considering abortions to read pro-life material.

From Bill Littlejohn.  ” This year, Jacksonville Jaguars  season ticket holders get a half-price  concealed weapon permit deal.  I think we can all hope they don’t offer that deal to Raider fans.”

Parent trap.

August 27, 2014

In July,  a South Carolina working  mother of a 9 year old girl was arrested for letting her daughter go to the park alone, with a cellphone, during daylight hours.   The mom was booked for “unlawful conduct towards a child. ” Anyone but me having a problem with the fact that she was charged with a crime, but we have no rules for parents who figure it’s okay to let their daughter of the same age learn to shoot an submachine gun?

 

The story of the 9 year old girl who lost control of an Uzi and fatally shot her instructor at a shooting range outside Las Vegas has gone national. Millions of Americans are appalled. But wonder how many are thinking well, they should have started her with guns younger…

 

A new survey of NFL players found that 75% said they agree with President Obama’s statement that he does not think marijuana is more dangerous than alcohol. And presumably the other 25% responded “Dude, what was that question again?”

 

 

Hurricane Cristobal and Tropical Storm Marie are creating huge waves and high surf on both coasts. Is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under for Darwin Awards?

 

Josh Shaw admitted today that he made up the story about spraining his ankles while rescuing his nephew from drowning. USC suspended him indefinitely – translation “at least the first half of the Fresno State game.” And wonder how long it will take Shaw to attempt to use the story for credit in a Creative Writing course?

Rumors are flying that USC CB Josh Shaw actually broke his ankles in an altercation with his girlfriend, but his attorney insists “There is absolutely NO domestic violence.” And why should we doubt anything Shaw says?

Mark your calendars. September 6, USC plays Stanford, in Palo Alto. Forget the game. The half time show should be memorable. Wonder how many members of the band will show up on crutches.

Parents are suing a Texas day care for allegedly duct taping their fidgety toddlers to nap mats. Millions of Americans read this story and are appalled. But wonder how many others are thinking “could that be arranged with airline seats?”

Police near Houston are looking for a man who abandoned a cellphone with a selfie on it at a 4-acre marijuana farm they recently raided.   Doesn’t do much to dispel that marijuana and short term memory issue….

Apparently there’s a glitch in Madden 15 that makes players fly around the field like they have stepped on a land mine or something. Let’s hope this isn’t a trial balloon for the NFL trying to increase viewship numbers.

 

ESPN now regrets’ the SportsCenter report Michael Sam that focused on shower habits. More like they regret finding out that most Americans are considerably more mature on the subject than the network is….

 

The NFL upheld Josh Gordon’s year-long suspension for using marijuana and violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. So the message is clear to young men, if you get stressed, put down the joint and take it out on your girlfriend.

A man has lost his $34,000 suit against British Airways after he and his partner were flown to Grenada in the Caribbean instead of Granada in Spain. He claims he asked the airline for the correct city and didn’t notice the mistake until he was on the connecting flight from London. Uh, and he didn’t notice the flight time as several hours from England to what he thought would be Spain? #cantfixstupid

 

 

We don’t need another (fake) hero?

August 27, 2014

Theories abound as to how exactly #USC star Josh Shaw broke his ankles. One thing for sure, since the Trojans play in Palo Alto Sept 6, the Stanford band is working overtime.

Great story about USC star CB Josh Shaw injuring his ankles by leaping from balcony to save his 7-year-old nephew from drowning. Except now have heard a rumor that it was just that, a story. Only good thing if this disappointing rumor is true – I don’t have to make an exception and root for a Trojan player.

Another thought about this unraveling “hero” story involving USC star Josh Shaw. Leaving aside the moral issues, how does any young man in this plugged-in 24/7 era think that you can lie about ANYTHING when you’re in the public eye and get away with it? And some wonder where athletes get their #dumbjock reputations.

My son says #Traveler is no longer the biggest #Trojanhorse at #USC. #JoshShaw


The tortured turf saga at the SF 49ers new Levi’s Stadium continues, as the grass has had to be ripped out and replaced again. Who designed this field, the Marquis de Sod?

Got to love Rams DE #ChrisLong, tweeting in response to ridiculous ESPN #MichaelSam shower story. “Dear ESPN, Everyone but you is over it.”


The Chicago Cubs are going to call up Cuban outfielder Jorge Soler. Which will be one step closer to Soler’s dream of playing for a major league team.


In Arizona, a nine-year old girl accidentally shot and killed the instructor who was teaching her how to use an Uzi. I’m guessing the girl didn’t get a passing grade. #ifonlyhehadbeenarmed.

NFL Nation Confidential asked over 100 players “The only way I’d play for (team name) is if they doubled my salary. The Raiders “won” with 23% followed by the Bills at 19%. Of course that might be because many players forgot there was a team in Buffalo.


Apparently some are screaming sexism for an Emmy awards bit when Sofia Vergara stood on a rotating pedestal doing nothing but looking sexy during a speech from the chair of the Television Academy. Really?! But okay, it would be fair next year to use the pedestal for George Clooney.


This story over passengers being kicked off a plane for a fight over a device to keep a seat from reclining is going viral. United meanwhile is no doubt figuring out how to optimize revenue from the situation in future – perhaps they’ll have passengers bid to see how much it’s worth to recline a seat, and how much to keep the seat in front of you upright?


So Warren Buffett is involved in this potential Burger King – Tim Horton inversion deal. Since Buffett also advocates for higher taxes and closing loopholes once this deal gets done will he call for changing the tax rules afterwards?

Excuses, excuses…

June 9, 2014

Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll just told the L.A. Times he wouldn’t have left USC in 2010 if he knew the NCAA was going to sanction the Trojans. I think I liked “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

There is now a drive to legalize marijuana in…. Jamaica?!! Does this even need a punchline?

California Chrome owner Steve Coburn’s rant after the #BelmontStakes may have cost him and the colt some endorsement. But maybe they’re still in line for a deal with California wine.

Don’t get me wrong, Steve Coburn was a poor sport yesterday. But as the NY Times points out, the last NINE Belmont winners have skipped the Preakness. ‪#‎TripleCrown‬

(T.C wonders,  “So if Maria Sharapova wins the French Open and doesn’t have to play against the Williams sisters or Li Na; she’s a coward, right? ”

 

It’s approaching mid-June, and as most experts predicted, the Los Angeles Dodgers and NY Yankees have very similar records. (Okay, so maybe they didn’t predict those records would be basically .500.)

Even FIFA is impressed with the flopping levels in the #NBAFinals.

So next year, how many #NBA teams will choose their home games against the #Heat to give free fans to fans and turn off the a/c?

On a sweltering day in Paris, Rafael Nadal won his 9th French Open. Imagine what he could do if Roland Garros had air conditioning.

A Northern California high school basketball player is in jail on suspicion of using stolen credit cards to pay $13,000 to rent a McLaren car and $27,000 to rent a vacation home. Guess he wasn’t good enough to get those perks playing college basketball?

Former “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” contestant Emily Maynard, who was engaged twice on the show, has just gotten married. And she told People magazine in an “exclusive”. “For so long I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about that TV stuff The grace that my faith has given me to wipe that all away and not find worth in that and find it through God.” Guess “magazine stuff” is different from “TV stuff.”

 

Two police officers in Las Vegas, plus another bystander, were shot and killed today, And then the suspects killed themselves. Once again, wishing these folks with murder-suicide plans could take take care of the second part first.

Do wish Fox News and the GOP would grieve as much for all those lives that have been lost in the Iraq war, as they do for those four Americans lost in in Benghazi and however many soldiers were lost looking for Bowe Bergdahl.

 

 

The Pretenders?

October 7, 2013

USC announced that imposters pretending to be from the University contacted both Jack Del Rio and Tony Dungy about their vacant coaching position. There’s a certain symmetry, for years, Lane Kiffin was pretending to be a big time coach.

Beginning to think God is really really tired of that tomahawk chop

Philadelphia and Dallas are tied for the NFC East lead, with 2-3 records. It’s early days yet, but to make the NFL playoffs, shouldn’t your team be good enough at least to be bowl eligible.

In an interview with New York Magazine, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia talked the “coarsening” of society, due to “the constant use of the F-word — including, you know, ladies using it.” Of course, many of the “ladies” using the F-word have been using it in response to some of Scalia’s statements.

Eli Manning today in a radio appearance “I don’t think I’m playing lousy.” Fair enough. “Lousy” would be an improvement.

Flori-duh moment of the day. Freshman GOP Rep. Tom Yoho, on if the U.S. fails to raise the debt limit. “I think, personally, it would bring stability to the world markets.” (Before he ran for Congress, his first elected office, Yoho was a large-animal veterinarian….)

This just in: PETA is protesting the Tampa Bay win as being cruel to actual Rays. #stingraypoolwalkoff

The Denver Broncos are a NFL record 28-point favorite over the Jacksonville Jaguars this week. Have to wonder if the spread would be less if the Broncos were playing the FSU Seminoles.

QB Matt Flynn was cut today by Oakland. He’s made $14.51 million in the last two years from the Raiders and Seahawks, and started exactly one game. With that kind of performance to pay ratio what’s Flynn’s next move – a run for Congress?

The Redskins return from their bye week next Sunday. Disappointing all fans who thought they were one of the few good things to be shutdown in Washington.

Oops. In Los Angeles, the school district spent $1 billion to give 650,000 plus students iPads. Only problem, the high school kids cracked the security settings so they could play games and post on social media during class. On the brighter side, American ingenuity is alive and well.

As the shutdown continues, it’s interesting that the party that has made such an issue of the sanctity of voting and the need to tighten requirements to avoid voter fraud, is also the party that sees no need to take an actual vote…

Ah technology, United Airlines sent a  message about booking a hotel on United.com for a new reservation to Los Angeles. For a same-day roundtrip. Makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their autopilot.

.

Shutting it down

September 30, 2013

Shouldn’t Congress have learned from the Nationals and Strasburg? Shutdowns just don’t do Washington any good in the long run. #shutdown

Maybe to fix the situation, we should put the Redskins’ defense in charge. They can’t shut down anyone.

Who says there’s no bipartisan spirit in D.C. ?    Why tonight I hear that President Barack Obama offered to send Walter White over to the House to bring the GOP some Stevia for their Tea Party.

You have to love how #Congress says they themselves are “essential government employees” with a straight face. #shutdown

Things are heating up a bit in D.C.   One Congressman referring to GOP members who want to shut down the government:   “Lemmings with suicide vests. They have to be more than just a lemming. Because jumping to your death is not enough.” Oh, and this commie-pinko rep? . Devin Nunes, a Republican from California.

Last night on AMC, millions of Americans tuned in for the dramatic final of “Breaking Bad.”  Now, with the government shutdown, we can all turn to C-Span, and watch “Lawmaking Bad.”

The Chicago #Cubs have fired manager Dale Sveum. No word on a replacement yet. But no job comes with lower expectations.

Former star RB Earl Campbell has joined those calling for the firing of Texas football coach Mack Brown. Well, Lane Kiffin is available….

Asked about benching Geno Smith, NY Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, “It’s not a thought at this point right now.” Mainly because he can’t think of an alternative.

So what time is the SF Giants game tonight?   Sigh.   A. Bartlett Giamatti was right. “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart….”

In the face of a world-wide boycott, Guido Barilla, CEO of Barilla pasta, is backtracking on his anti-gay remarks of last week and is trying to apologize. Always fun to see “family values” take a back seat to profit values.

USC athletic director Pat Haden says he will keep the search for a new football coach private. Makes sense. Most candidates probably don’t want their current teams to know they are crazy enough to consider the Trojan mess.

This just in. NY Giants Antrel Rolle safety says “I believe we can go 12-0 from this point on. People can look at me like I’m crazy….” Forget crazy, isn’t Rolle worried about prompting the NFL to test him for drugs

 

Okay, it’s early days. But would a Saints-Broncos game be the classiest QB Super Bowl match-up in history?

Lane, if only we barely knew ye…?

September 29, 2013

First Anthony Weiner, now Lane Kiffin. These are challenging times for comedy writers……

USC announced early this morning that Kiffin had been “relieved of his duties.”  Of course, the school could have just said they made a “Lane change.”

So wonder who’ll have a job again in football first? #LaneKiffin or #TimTebow?

Much speculation on a replacement for Lane Kiffin at USC. It’s early days, but have to figure Chip Kelly might already be getting a bit nostalgic for the Pac 12….

So who’s going to do the retrospective of the Kiffin years at USC? The Stanford Band has already volunteered for the task.

Lane Kiffin was to college coaching what Tim Tebow is to pro quarterbacking. Well, without the charm, humility, and the miraculous ability to win a game now and then.

 

Pat Haden in July 2013: “I anticipate the media will ask me if our football coach is on the hot seat this year “Here is my answer and will be my answer whenever I’m asked: He is not. I’m behind Lane Kiffin 100 percent. I have great confidence in him. He’s a very hard-working, detail-oriented coach. He’s a dynamic playcaller, in my estimation, and he’s an exceptional recruiter. He knows USC and he knows what it takes to be successful here.”

One bench of three seats on a crowded light rail train labeled “reserved for senior citizens and persons with disabilities.”. Three 20 something young women run and grab the seats. All blondes. No comment.

Mitt Romney says now that a main reason he lost last November is that the Hispanic community didn’t understand his immigration stance well enough. Or maybe they understood it too well.

Former Cleveland Browns QB Bernie Kosar was arrested for alleged DUI in Cleveland. Was Kosar trying to prove he still belongs on an active NFL roster.

 

WTF is going on Pittsburgh? The #Pirates are still alive and the #Steelers are dead.

Heard on the SF Giants radio broadcast – “a bases loaded grand slam.”. Well, it’s been a long season for everyone.

72, 71, 84. MPH for Barry Zito’s pitches in a swinging strikeout of Kotsay for Zito’s last time on mound in SF Giants uniform. #rallyzito.

Could have been worse. A fun way to end the season with a walkoff win for #SFGiants. #Firsttotiedforthird

So if the Rangers or Rays somehow win the World Series, there will be how many champagne celebrations? One when they got into the wild card playoff, one if they win the wild card playoff, one for the ALDS, one for the ALCS, and one for the World Series. “You’ve just won the World Series, what are you going to do?” “I’m going to rehab.”

If a government shutdown means furloughing all non-essential employees, what possible excuse can there be for not furloughing Congress?

Dallas 2-2, Philadelphia and Washington, 1-3, and NY 0-4. Is it too soon to rename the division the “NFC Least?”

No laughing matter?

September 11, 2013

As we remember September 11, some think it’s inappropriate to joke on such a solemn anniversary. But I think if we can’t laugh, the terrorists win.

My friend Keith Ogden, who I agree with on politics about 10% of the time, made a comment that reminded me of one of the greatest things about this country: As much as you may not like how the USA is run, or who is running it, or who wants to run it, you can joke about things all you want, and you don’t get arrested or worse.

 

McDonald’s has a new “Blitz Box” meal, which contains 2 Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets and two medium fries. They market it for “two or more.” Well, for many Americans that’s plausible deniability anyway.

Forbes.com reports that tickets for the Alabama-Texas A&M game are going for an average of $763 online. Wonder how many of those ticket buyers will spend much of the game criticizing Johnny Manziel for making money from autographs

 

What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Disney is re-releasing “The Little Mermaid” on September 13. And encouraging kids to be “part of her world” by bringing their iPads etc. to interact with their “Disney Second Screen Live” app….during the movie.

 

Some sports reporters are starting not to use the “Redskins” nickname and will simply say “Washington football team.” Fortunately, if week 1 was any indication, there will be no need for this awkward phrasing to continue into the postseason.

USC coach Lane Kiffin said there was no team meeting after the Trojans’ embarrassing loss to WSU. But WR Marqise Lee confirmed it was a players-only meeting. “Kiffin don’t know,.. Kiffin don’t know nothing about it.” Sounds like Lane knows as much about his team as he does about coaching football.

 

Some cheerleaders at a Texas public high school who want to display bible verses on banners at football games, have hired a lawyer to fight what a local politician called an effort at “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas.” Uh, really? Don’t think most liberals are that worried about banners in football, we’re a little more concerned about imposing things like science in textbooks.

Tweet from Colts owner Jim Irsay on protecting Andrew Luck: “we gotta protect #12 better..and that includes more than just OL…it’s backs,TE’s,coaches on blitz pick ups..I DEMAND better” Right, because last week they just weren’t trying.

 

 

Following the defeats of Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, comes the news that Mark Sanchez may be out for the year. “Oh, the horror”, said NY comedy writers…

 

Ndamukong Suh is appealing his $100,000 fine as excessive. Guess he figures it’s too big a chunk of his annual fine fund?

 

Bobby Valentine, talking on the radio today, said his Mets team was “tired” and “wasted” after 9/11, because they had been going to the funerals and firehouse. And stated “”Let it be said that during the time from 9/11 to 9/21, the Yankees were [AWOL], You couldn’t find a Yankee on the streets of New York City. You couldn’t find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7. Many of them didn’t live here, and so it wasn’t their fault….” Wow, it’s sensitivity and judgment like that that is the reason Valentine is employed in a major league clubhouse today….not.

The Royal not always known as Prince?

September 8, 2013

Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.

A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.

Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison

 

115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s  almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.

Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.

Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”

From T.C.   “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”

Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”

With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted  NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.

Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….

Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.

NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.