Posted tagged ‘golf jokes’

Rough niht?

August 31, 2019


And this is the school so many rich people paid big bucks to bribe their children’s way into…?

Meanwhile, Northwestern played Stanford in the Nerd Bowl.  Wonder if officials were ever tempted to say it was 3rd and 3.14159.

If Oregon hadn’t choked away tonight’s matchup with Auburn, SEC would have lost five games in one day…. Just saying.

Baseball in 2019. Minnesota Twins hit six home runs in one game….and LOSE 10-7. If the ball were any more juiced it would be sponsored by Minute Maid.

Lebron James is trying to trademark “Taco Tuesday.”    Because he’s the only one who thought of it?  Other than almost every Mexican food chain and taqueria in the country?  WTF?

Many of us have different choices in next year’s election. Can we all agree that any fundraising email marked “urgent” triggers the “delete” button?

What customs officials originally thought was a “huge drugs bust” at Gatwick Airport in London turned out to be vegan cake mix.

Now, some vegan cakes are criminally bad…but yeah, this did seem like overkill.

The first person shot by today’s mass killer was a police officer during a attempted traffic stop. But tell me again how arming kindergarten teachers will keep our children safe?


Guess the optics weren’t good for Trump to spend weekend at Bedminster with Dorian approaching so he sneaked off to golf from Camp David.
Sunday morning will Donald have a moment of silence for Odessa victims on the first tee?

Trump had a meltdown today about “Disgusting and foul mouthed Omarosa.” So why doesn’t he fire the idiot who hired her?
Trump RTs a lot of stuff on Dorian, including a Red Cross tweet praising military spouses who volunteer. This at the same time he denies citizenship to military children born overseas AND deports military spouses. He has no shame. There is no bottom.

Missed calls?

July 18, 2016


MLB’s Joe Torre sent a memo to managers and GMs telling them to stop arguing balls and strikes “This highly inappropriate conduct is detrimental to the game and must stop immediately.”
Uh, Joe, what about the “highly inappropriate conduct” of so many missed calls?

Alphonse Taylor, Alabama’s starting right guard and a pre-season All-SEC pick was arrested for alleged DUI Sunday am. Well, no doubt Nick Saban will suspend him for at least a quarter of the season-opener, which is against…. USC.
Never mind, I am sure Saban will take care of matters internally.

Two Florida teens were playing “Pokemon Go” in a car outside a house at 130am when the homeowner, hearing a noise, fired several shots at them. The kids were uninjured but found several bullet holes in the car in the morning. So what’s next for players, Pokeguns? ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

So when Scotland leaves after Brexit will it no longer be the British Open? ‪#‎TheOpen‬

Although, seriously on a lighter note has there ever been a more riveting sports competition between two men over 40?  #Hoorayforoldfarts


More sad news this morning, this time out of ‪#‎BatonRouge‬ . Seriously this ‪#‎goodguywithagun‬ idea is not working in the US.

Trump today – “How many law enforcement and people have to die because of a lack of leadership in our country? We demand law and order.”
So if the Donald gets elected he’s just going to demand people stop shooting each other? If only there wasn’t that pesky 2nd amendment.

The president of the Cleveland Police Patrolmen’s Association wants Gov. Kasich to temporarily suspend “open carry” for the sake of security during the RNC convention.
So where is Trump’s reply telling the police how much safer they will be with all those “good guys with guns?”

Actor Antonio Sabàto Jr.will apparently now speak at the ‪#‎RNCConvention‬ for Trump. Even ‪#‎DWTS‬ is going, “who?”


So Mike Pence in a joint “60 Minutes” appearance with Donald Trump spent much of his time trying to explain the Donald’s positions in a more measured way. So will Pence be known as “The Trump Whisperer?”




Bonds away

June 1, 2016

In an interview, Barry Bonds said “I’m to blame for the way I was [portrayed], because I was a dumbass. I was straight stupid, and I’ll be the first to admit it.”
Not sure what’s weirder. Hearing him apologize, or hearing Bonds’ referred to as “the Miami Marlins’ hitting coach?” ‪#‎SFGiants‬



In Switzerland, they just had the grand opening of a railway tunnel through the Alps dubbed “the longest tunnel in the world” at 35.5 miles. And down in Mexico they’re just giggling.

#‎StephCurry‬ let slip in a news conference that he uses Uber in the SF Bay Area. Wonder if they give him 3.0 pricing? ‪#‎Warriors‬



Is there a more annoying sound in sports than the tomahawk chop? ‪#‎Braves‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Stopthechop‬


Santiago ‪#‎Casilla‬ has now blown 4 of 16 saves. So he’s right about as often as an NBA referee? ‪#‎damningbyfaintphrase‬

‪#‎Casilla‬ lost composure & blew lead so fast tonight you’d wonder if underneath his ‪#‎SFGiants‬ jersey he was wearing a ‪#‎OKC‬ ‪#‎Thunder‬ t-shirt.



No,  I don’t play fantasy baseball. But saw this on, talking about closers in the NL West and their “status” (from a few days ago.)

: Stability Rating – Team Name  – Current Closer
Solid – Diamondbacks – Brad Ziegler

Solid Rockies – Jake McGee

Solid Dodgers – Kenley Jansen

Solid Padres –  Fernando Rodney

Questionable – Giants – Santiago Casilla

yeah, we know

Anyone else feeling like an old baseball fan in remembering when players didn’t have hamstrings?

Last night #‎JakePeavy‬ pitched 1 hit ball for 7 innings, singled and scored the go-ahead run for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to win on his 35th birthday. “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer young man” said Jamie Moyer.

First ‪#‎BernieSanders‬ got ‪#‎Hamilton‬ tickets. Then court side seats for ‪#‎OKCvsGSW‬ ‪#‎Game7‬. Guessing his own private plane can’t be far behind?


Former Baylor president Kenneth Starr, who so zealously prosecuted Bill Clinton, and who was reassigned as chancellor after the school’s sexual assault scandals, is now resigning that new post. Starr will, however, continue to teach in the law school.
What’s his first course this fall – “The law and people who think they are above it?”

A Seattle burlesque dancer returning home from a Boston performance was told by a JetBlue crew the shorts and thigh-highs she was wearing were “inappropriate.” She had to buy pajama pants to get on the plane.
This would not have happened on United. They’d have let her board and just charged other passengers an entertainment fee.

A USA Today article shows that Donald Trump “and his businesses have been involved in at least 3,500 legal actions in federal and state courts during the past 30 years. Ranging from skirmishes with casino patrons to million-dollar real estate suits to personal defamation lawsuits.”
Are we sure the Trump campaign didn’t leak the information in a shameless push to get more endorsements from lawyers?

The PGA Tour is moving their Cadillac World Golf Championship from the Trump Doral course to Mexico City. Trump’s gracious response “I hope they have kidnapping insurance.”
I am beginning to see the Donald’s plan to have Mexico pay for that wall…. in order to keep him out.


Hillary Clinton with Cory Booker in New Jersey: Hmm, could think of a lot worse tickets for November. ‪#‎GoStanford‬


Get in the game?

July 7, 2015

At the Minnesota Zoo, a grizzly bear threw a rock into a five-layer barrier hard enough to shatter the glass. Fortunately, there were no injuries. And the bear has been offered a tryout to pitch for the Red Sox.


Seahawks QB Russell Wilson says he and his singer girlfriend Ciara are following “Jesus’s playbook” and not having pre-martial sex. So even God is telling Wilson not to attempt a pass?



Coral Springs, Florida police say they have dropped an investigation into the NY Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paulafter, who badly injured his hands with illegal fireworks, because it was “outside their jurisdiction.”
Possible translation. “With all the crap going in this state, you think we have time to worry about some idiot who’s already punished himself more than our judicial system ever could?”


The PGA said today that this year’s PGA Grand Slam tournament will be moved from Los Angeles’s Trump National Golf Club. Amazing. Who knew it was possible to be un-PC enough to upset an organization run primarily by and for rich white men?

Paula Deen is back in the headlines, this time for tweeting an four-year-old picture with her son Bobby in “brownface”, dressed up as Ricky Ricardo. Well, it’s not as if Deen has had any experience with social media before… ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬


Donovan McNabb, 38, was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI in 2 years. Sounds like the former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings’ QB is trying just a bit too hard to act like he still belongs in the NFL


From Marc Ragovin  “One of the Mets’ upcoming promotions is “Emoji Tee Shirt Night.”  With their offense I assume all the emojis will be frowny faces

Rant time. Okay, again, the random shooting of a young woman on a San Francisco pier was awful. No question. But one woman is killed by a disturbed man who should have been deported and the GOP calls for a massive overhaul of immigration procedures.

Whereas nine people are killed in church by a disturbed man who should never have had a firearm, and the GOP sees no need to revisit gun control laws….

A post with relish…

May 25, 2013

A woman known as the “hot-dog hooker” from Long Island, NY,  jailed for 7 days last year for selling sex out of her hot-dog truck, was busted again for prostitution yesterday. Maybe she should try a change of direction, like working on Anthony Weiner’s campaign.

Headline on the Mariners-Rangers Friday night game, (with a double-play called that wasn’t one) “Umpire regrets botched call.” Isn’t this getting to be baseball’s version of “Groundhog Day?”

Hail Mary time? Everett Golson, Notre Dame’s starting QB, a redshirt freshman in 2012, is suddenly no longer enrolled in the school. Reportedly for an “Office of Residence Life violation.” Over-under on how long it takes an SEC school to offer Golson a scholarship?

SF Giants win Saturday with an inside-the-park walk-off home run by Angel Pagan.   Aka now.  Angel Going-Going-Going-Going-Going- Still-Going-Gone.

Embattled #Toronto mayor #RobFord “I do not use crack cocaine, nor am I an addict of crack cocaine.” Uh, if A, no need to say B.

So just wondering, for strict creationists, if their kids manage to go to the American Museum of Natural History’s dinosaur and human evolution displays, do they feel the same way other parents do when their kids access internet porn?

Golfer Jeff Overton was DQ’ed from the Colonial Tournament for using a putting aid during a delay where officials told golfers they could practice chipping and putting. PGA rules make the balk rule seem simple by comparison.

Another day, another injury for the first place NY Yankees, with $95 million of their payroll on the DL. Now it’s Curtis Granderson who broke his left pinky. Bad news for Yankees haters, a few more injuries and they may end up winning it all.

Open note to SF Giants: A few more walk-off wins like today’s and there may have to be a warning sign at A T and T Park “Warning, this game may be hazardous to watch for those with heart conditions.”

“You’re born, you die. Everything in between is subject to interpretation.” Nora Ephron – “Lucky Guy.”

From Bill Littlejohn. “Tiger Woods has apparently hired a PR firm reshape Tiger Woods’ image: Who needs them when he has Sergio Garcia?”

Not enough millions to buy a clue?

May 21, 2013

Yikes, when asked if he would ask Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open. Sergio Garcia told a U.K paper:.”We’ll have him round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” It’s a tough job, but Garcia is doing his best to make Tiger look likeable by comparison.

Dwight Howard is now saying he was marginalized and underutilized by Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni. Even Sergio Garcia is saying “Dude, quit whining and play.”

Apple Computers is facing scrutiny for only paying 2% in tax on $74 billion in income routed through their Irish subsidiaries. CEO Tim Cook that Apple pays “all the taxes we owe, every single dollar,” and doesn’t “stash money on some Caribbean island.” Well, no one ever accused Ireland of being part of the Caribbean.

Britain’s first doctor of aviation medicine says that the brain’s performance is slightly impaired while traveling by plane. Because air pressure in the cabin is equivalent to being outside at 6000-8000 ft elevation. That explains why so many people now choose actually to buy airplane food?

A bipartisan Senate panel approved an immigration reform bill, but Democrats had to scrap a provision including LGBT couples. WTF? Aren’t LGBT couples most likely to be two-income couples who don’t burden our social services with children?

From ESPN – “Detroit Lions expected to start new bowl in 2014.” What? So they can guarantee a win by playing in it?


The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, meaning they can pick that highly touted future superstar….what’s his name….uh, never mind.


The PGA annouced that using a long putter while holding it against your body while putting will be banned effective Jan. 1, 2016. The belly putters will still be allowed — provided they are not “anchored.” Great, one more potential violation for eagle-eyed couch potatoes to call to report..

Charlotte’s NBA team will take back the “Hornets” nickname from “Bobcats,” which was named for original owner Bob Johnson. Current owner Michael Jordan chose not to name the team after himself. Makes sense, the way the team has been playing no way MJ wants his name on such a mess.

Can’t wait to see what she says about the Oklahoma City tornado: Sarah Palin this weekend posted “Global warming my gluteus maximus,” because it was snowing in Alaska in May.



A man who committed suicide in Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral today reportedly did it as a protest against France’s legalization of gay marriage. Well, that’s one less person who can vote to overturn the law.

Anthony Weiner is officially running for mayor of New York. Not sure of all his platform, though no doubt it includes full employment for comedy writers.


New York #Rangers appear ready to follow  Knicks to summer vacation. Bummer for the #Mets, more spotlight on them.

As suggested by PBen.  Oklahoma Senator Coburn is on record now saying that any tornado relief funds for OKLA must be matched with cuts elsewhere. How much money could we save by cutting Oklahoma down to one senator?

Old Smokey?

March 13, 2013

Just wondering, how many of the 115 Cardinals theoretically choosing an infallible Pope couldn’t even choose law-abiding priests.


At the Vatican, the Cardinals have been locked up until they decide on a Pope. Couldn’t we try something like this with Congress and the sequester?

T.C.  says ” The Cardinals gathered at The Vatican have yet to elect the new Pope. Neither have the Saints, Rams or Falcons. However, the Jets are pushing to get Tebow elected, as they know it wouldn’t cost them a draft pick.”

New York Mets utility player Jordany Valdespin took a 94-mph Justin Verlander pitch right to his, ahem, groin area yesterday. He wasn’t wearing a cup. Wonder if it’s still a Darwin award if the person survives but may not be able to reproduce.

A California assemblyman has proposed a statewide bill banning smoking in apartments, condos and other.multi-unit residences. This could result in some bi-partisan revolt – if the bill goes beyond tobacco.

A  golfer is glad to be alive after he was rescued when a sinkhole opened up beneath him Friday on a Illinois golf course. Does this make him golf’s first lucky one-in-hole?

(Chris E. says, “Please tell me someone was yelling ‘Get in the hole.'””)

Does Paul Ryan not get the concept that if America had wanted his b.s. budget, we would have voted for him and Mitt?

Is Baden-Powell spinning somewhere? The Boy Scouts have resisted allowing openly gay members because of tradition. And now they have (seriously) approved a video game merit badge. .

Somewhere George W. Bush is giggling. Paul Ryan today on his budget: “This to us is something that we’re not going to give up on, because we’re not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people.”

Yikes, the conservative Koch brothers may be interested in purchasing the L.A. Times. If true, this could mean something in Los Angeles San Franciscans hate more than the Dodgers.

The NCAA has announced their new college football championship tournament will not have a sponsor. Translation, no one’s yet offered enough money.

A serious thought,  if being serious about “the Bachelor” isn’t a contradiction in terms:  If you’re going to tell a girl goodbye when she thinks you’re going to propose….don’t start with a nice romantic speech.  KISS.   Keep it short, stupid.

Peter Banks, the original guitarist for “Yes” died last week at the age of 65. By “Who” and “Rolling Stones” standards, a mere child.

Last Golfer Standing?

June 21, 2010

At Pebble Beach, Northern Ireland’s Graeme McDowell was first, France’s Gregory Havret was second, and South Africa’s Ernie Els was first. Who’d a thunk that this week Americans might have had a better week at the World Cup than our own U.S. Open?

If they make a documentary about this year’s U.S. Open, will it be titled “Last Golfer Standing?”

Golf may not be the world’s most exciting spectator sport. But it has some good points. And maybe this week one stands out. Two words – “NO VUVUZELAS.”

The Florida Marlins and Tampa Rays complained mightily after a free mini-vuvuzela giveaway in Miami meant that players from both teams and umpires had to wear earplugs, and they still couldn’t have conversations on the field and in the dugout. But Marlins management apparently hadn’t anticipated any problems.

Even BP executives said, how could you not see that coming?

A question for Texas congressman, Joe Barton, who apologized to BP. Would he have made the same apology if say, the disaster had been an out-of-control major fire started at a solar energy plant?

Poor Dustin Johnson, the Saturday leader, shot 11 over par in the final round of the U.S. Open. That’s the worst performance by a professional athlete on Sunday in recent memory. Well, not involving JaMarcus Russell

So football has a computer-generated yellow line on television for years, so viewers can see where a team needs to go to get a first down. How hard would it be for golf to put a yellow ring around the cup, so viewers can actually see where a player is aiming?

You figure Kobe Bryant had to be rooting for Tiger Woods, especially after Tiger shot a 66 to move into contention. Because then at least Kobe wouldn’t be a slam dunk for the award for the biggest jerk to win a championship this week.

Actually, maybe we should feel sorry for Tiger. What if sex for him really was a performance enhancing drug?

After striker Nicolas Anelka’s was expelled from the team and sent home for a tantrum, the rest of the French team refused to practice Sunday. Wonder why his teammates were so upset, they are likely to be following him back to France very shortly

Well, as long as the NBA playoffs go, at least we have reason to think they won’t extend any longer into June in future. Because then they would conflict with the busiest day of the year for NBA players – Father’s Day.

Well, it’s not on the level of BP’s public relations disasters, but…. British Airway’s “UNITE” cabin crew has staged a series of strikes this year that have caused travel nightmares for thousands. During the most recent strike, however, union leader Tony Woodley took his own vacation with his wife to Cyprus. He flew EasyJet..

Tiger in the tank.

August 17, 2009

Headline after Y.E. Yang’s appearance out of nowhere to win the PGA.

“Hidden dragon. Ouching Tiger.”

Or another potential tackier headline, after Yang won the tournament largely because he put most of his first shorts straight down the fairway;

“Who says Asians can’t drive?”

The cheerful Yang became a fan favorite despite his very limited English skills. He did not get a congratulatory call from President Obama. But he did get one from former president George W. Bush.

So Michael Phelps has now been arrested at for a DUI, been implicated in smoking marijuana, and has been cited for driving without a license. At this point fish are starting to refer to odd behavior as being a “Phelps out of water.”

GM has announced plans to sell a new $4000 car. Don’t they already have that? It’s a $10,000 car one hour after you drive it off the lot.

Kiss is releasing their first album in more than 11 years. Exclusively at WalMart. With original band members Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons. Former members Ace Frehley and Peter Criss are not involved, although they are still alive. Which is a good thing, as otherwise they would be turning over in their graves.

So after Bill Clinton’s rescue effort in North Korea, former President George W. Bush is looking for a rescue situation of his own. President Obama racked his brain – what diplomatic situation calls for a cheerful, friendly person who is also generally rambling and inarticulate? So any day now W. will be reporting for duty to sit between Randy and Simon on American Idol.

from the very funny Jim Barach:

Bob Dylan was stopped by police in Long Branch, New Jersey and asked for ID. Apparently they wanted to know why a 68 year old Jewish man in New Jersey hasn’t moved to Florida yet?