Posted tagged ‘Paul Ryan jokes’

Dreaming?

July 20, 2016

Right about now after the last week both the SF Giants and GOP have to be hoping to see Bobby come out of that shower.  #Dallas

#‎SFGiants‬ have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ feeling sorry for ‪#‎Dodgers‬ with ‪#‎Kershaw‬ potentially needing back surgery. Maybe they can ship ‪#‎Cain‬ to ‪#‎LA‬ as a replacement.

#‎SFGiants‬ have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.

The Big 12 is thinking of expanding in football, from 10 teams to 12. Arithmetic, what a concept.

 

Paul Ryan, at a meeting of the Texas GOP, talked about the football rivalries like A&M and Texas, “When one of the teams advances to a big bowl game or a national championship, don’t you root for the Aggies if you are a Longhorn?”
The speaker got booed. Good thing Ryan didn’t try that in the Florida delegation with the Gators and Seminoles. He might still be in intensive care.

 

Paul Ryan also talked about Ohio State and Michigan rooting for each other in bowl games because they were in the same conference. Does the man realize that Ohio is in an open-carry state?

 

Well, not sure what @realDonaldTrump might plagiarize on Thursday, but just guessing it won’t be Reagan’s “tear down that wall.” ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

Reports are that John ‪#‎Kasich‬ turned down an offer to be “most powerful VP in history.” So was @HillaryClinton reaching across the aisle?

So wait, if ‪#‎MeredithMcIver‬ wrote speech what about lie Melania told about writing it herself. ‪#‎IOYIYR‬ ‪#‎IOKIYT‬ (It’s OK if you’re Republican, or Trump.)

 

‪#‎MeredithMcIver‬ to take blame. Will Trump fire her? Not for plagiarizing but for saying for saying Melania always admired ‪#‎MichelleObama‬

Donald Trump “Good news is Melania’s speech got more publicity than any in the history of politics especially if you believe that all press is good press!”
So how is the Donald going to start his speech Thursday? “Four score and seven years ago, all we had to fear was fear itself, but I have a HUGE dream that it’s time for Americans to ask what they can do for their country….”

 

After watching ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ a lot of people are thinking by comparison that ‪#‎OscarsNotSoWhite‬

So, okay, I think I’ve got this straight: The GOP wants Loretta Lynch to be disqualified as U.S. Attorney General for prejudice after her meeting with Bill Clinton. But it’s okay for Chris Christie to have the role after saying Hillary should be locked up. ‪#‎SMH‬

 

N.H. GOP state rep and Trump advisor Al Baldasaro said Hillary Clinton “should be put in the firing line and shot for treason.” Uh, speaking of treason, doesn’t threatening a potential President fall into that category?

 

So @realDonaldTrump says ‪#‎TedCruz‬ didn’t “honor his pledge” And who should be more expert on not honoring pledges than man married 3 times.

Not that I quote Caitlyn Jenner almost ever, but on the bathroom issue, she noted that former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, former Mississippi Rep. Jon Hinson & former Florida state Rep. Bob Allen had all been arrested for “lewd behavior” in men’s restrooms,
“Maybe what we should do is ban Republican representatives at a state level from being in the men’s room.

A Florida girl not chosen to be a cheerleader has threatened to sue if she isn’t named to the high school team. ‪#‎ifonlyshewerearmed‬

 

Apparently many Twitter users were incensed that Megyn Kelly was wearing a spaghetti strap form-fitting top today to cover the RNC for Fox. Probably all Republicans. Democratic women would support Megyn’s right to dress as she pleases, and men would think the incident deserves a longer investigation.

How often does @HillaryClinton applaud ‪#‎TedCruz‬? ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

Did ‪#‎Trump‬ give ‪#‎TedCruz‬ an ‪#‎RNC‬ speaking slot because Cruz’s dad still might know some of those assassins? ‪#‎Fearfactor‬ ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

‎MikePence‬, “I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order.” Just like it says in the U.S. Constitution…. ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ ‪#‎WTF‬?

Early Halloween?

April 12, 2016

 

Of course it’s only April, but the two Orange & Black teams in ‪#‎MLB‬ are a combined 14-2. ‪#‎Orioles‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

#‎BusterPosey‬ might be googling ‪#‎WallyPipp‬ on his phone about now. ‪#‎TrevorBrown‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

#‎BruceBochy‬ said before Monday’s  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Rockies‬ game he’d like ‪#‎TrevorBrown‬ to hit a home run in all of his starts. So is  ‪#‎Brown‬ taking him seriously?

#‎Dodgers‬ payroll over $253,000,000. Now ‪#‎MagicJohnson‬ was 1 of greatest ever ‪#‎NBA‬ players. But did anyone tell him ‪#‎MLB‬ teams need something called a bullpen?

Tickets to Kobe Bryant’s last game are going for at least $800. But really, if you just wanted to see Bryant play a meaningless game, for that price you could have probably bought tickets to the Lakers whole home season.

Headline: “Lindsay Lohan is engaged. ” And most Americans no doubt are thinking “in what?”

Popular porn site xHamster announced yesterday that when anyone with a North Carolina IP address visits the site, they will be asked if they support the new anti-LGBT law. If they say “yes,” they will be blocked. Now that’s REALLY hitting below the belt.

 –
John Kasich again last night in an interview said there is “zero” chance he would serve as v.p. “I would be the worst vice president the country ever saw. I’m not a vice president, I’m a president.”
Somewhere Dick Cheney is going “And your point is?”

Paul Ryan, “Let me be clear: I do not want, nor will I accept the nomination for our party.”
Didn’t he say the same thing about becoming Speaker?

The NFL has denied Josh Gordon’s petition for reinstatement. Of course, it doesn’t help when you petition AND fail a drug test in the same month.
.-

Music producer and reality tv star, David Gest, 62, known best to Americans as Liza Minnelli’s ex-husband, was found dead at a London hotel today. He had been preparing to tour with a new show “David Gest Is Not Dead But Alive With Soul.” Guess maybe it wasn’t the best choice of title. ‪#‎bustohell‬

 

 

Donald Trump is upset about the possibility about losing the GOP nomination despite having the most delegates. “The system, folks, is rigged. It’s a rigged, disgusting, dirty system.”
Now Trump doesn’t really have a problem with a rigged system, he’s just used to being the one doing the rigging.

 

And btw, who says the Spurs are boring?    Though just guessing none of them will get a call anytime soon from #DWTS.   https://twitter.com/spurs/status/719925467042582528/photo/1

 

Good for you.

October 20, 2015

A new study indicates that instead of fighting cancer, antioxidants in food might actually help the cancer cells grow faster. So once again, maybe the rule is, eat what you want and wait for the studies to change in your favor.

So just wonder why ANYONE is pitching to Daniel Murphy about now? ‪#‎MetsvsCubs‬

Jim Webb will drop out of the Presidential race today. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t yet realize he was in it.

Meanwhile, over on the GOP side, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, Rick Santorum. Bobby Jindal and former Jim Gilmore (who?)- are all polling at zero. So considering the margin of error is about 3% they could all be in negative numbers.

Khloe Kardashian spoke out about Lamar Odom’s hospitalization today, saying the past week has been “incredibly difficult.” “I feel so sorry for her,” said nobody.

There are rumors that Pete Carroll may leave Seattle and become coach-gm for an NFL team moving to Los Angeles. So Pete misses coaching a Southern California professional team like USC?

Now Starbucks has a new “Beast Mode frappuccino,” in honor of Marshawn Lynch. So do you have have to order it without saying a word?

Yesterday a Liberal Prime Minister was elected in Canada. Today the Blue Jays lost 14-2. Waiting for Canadian Conservatives to take a page from their U.S. counterparts and blame Trudeau.

The French luxury brand Chanel has bought Napa’s St. Supery Estate Vineyards and Winery . The current owner, who started St. Supery in the late 80s, said Channel will “continue (his) vision.” That and slap a label with C’s on it and charge triple the the price.

Apparently Stanford tailback Christian McCaffrey is now in the Heisman Trophy conversation after gaining 369 all-purpose yards, tops in the FBS this season, against UCLA. If this keeps up McCaffrey may get a trip to New York to watch LSU’s Leonard Fournette accept the award.

While Oscar Munoz recovers from a heart attack, United Airlines, which has been trying to improve their image, has named Brett Hart, the airline’s executive V.P and general counsel, as acting CEO. Two of Hart’s responsibilities have been United’s “contact centers” and “food services.” Oh, well, he should be just wonderful then…..

Political consultant Mike Murphy, who leads a pro-Jeb Bush super PAC, dismissed Donald Trump by saying “I don’t think you can be a front-runner if you’re totally unelectable.” So is that what happened to Jeb?

About a week after RB Derrick Coleman was arrested for DUI, Seattle RB crashed his car today near the team facility. amidst allegations of drag-racing.The Seahawks may have blown the 2015 Super Bowl by going to the air, but these days doesn’t seem like they are that good on the ground either.

Paul Ryan says he would be willing to serve as Speaker of the House if Republicans will unite. And then presumably the GOP will change their symbol from an elephant to a flying pig?

Beside demanding unity, Paul Ryan wants to make sure that leading the House GOP will still allow him to spend time for his wife and three children: “I cannot and will not give up my family time.” And of course if Ryan becomes speaker one of his top priorities will be a Family Leave Act…. ‪#‎yeahright‬ ‪#‎familyvalueswhenitsmyfamily‬

Texas officials announced this week that they will end Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood clinics, using the excuse that there are allegations that the women’s health organization is profiting from the sale of “aborted baby parts.” Well, at least they will use all the saved money to increase funding for poor mothers and children. Oh, wait, never mind.

Just wonder how many GOP heads would explode in ‪#‎Texas‬ if pregnant women started bringing guns into hospitals and demanding abortions?

Old Smokey?

March 13, 2013

Just wondering, how many of the 115 Cardinals theoretically choosing an infallible Pope couldn’t even choose law-abiding priests.

 

At the Vatican, the Cardinals have been locked up until they decide on a Pope. Couldn’t we try something like this with Congress and the sequester?

T.C.  says ” The Cardinals gathered at The Vatican have yet to elect the new Pope. Neither have the Saints, Rams or Falcons. However, the Jets are pushing to get Tebow elected, as they know it wouldn’t cost them a draft pick.”

New York Mets utility player Jordany Valdespin took a 94-mph Justin Verlander pitch right to his, ahem, groin area yesterday. He wasn’t wearing a cup. Wonder if it’s still a Darwin award if the person survives but may not be able to reproduce.

A California assemblyman has proposed a statewide bill banning smoking in apartments, condos and other.multi-unit residences. This could result in some bi-partisan revolt – if the bill goes beyond tobacco.

A  golfer is glad to be alive after he was rescued when a sinkhole opened up beneath him Friday on a Illinois golf course. Does this make him golf’s first lucky one-in-hole?

(Chris E. says, “Please tell me someone was yelling ‘Get in the hole.'””)

Does Paul Ryan not get the concept that if America had wanted his b.s. budget, we would have voted for him and Mitt?

Is Baden-Powell spinning somewhere? The Boy Scouts have resisted allowing openly gay members because of tradition. And now they have (seriously) approved a video game merit badge. .

Somewhere George W. Bush is giggling. Paul Ryan today on his budget: “This to us is something that we’re not going to give up on, because we’re not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people.”

Yikes, the conservative Koch brothers may be interested in purchasing the L.A. Times. If true, this could mean something in Los Angeles San Franciscans hate more than the Dodgers.

The NCAA has announced their new college football championship tournament will not have a sponsor. Translation, no one’s yet offered enough money.

A serious thought,  if being serious about “the Bachelor” isn’t a contradiction in terms:  If you’re going to tell a girl goodbye when she thinks you’re going to propose….don’t start with a nice romantic speech.  KISS.   Keep it short, stupid.

Peter Banks, the original guitarist for “Yes” died last week at the age of 65. By “Who” and “Rolling Stones” standards, a mere child.

Marathon man.

September 5, 2012

The Orioles are tied for first place with in ESPN’s words “the fading Yankees.” “Fading Yankees?” In a time of political discord could we come up with two words that get more bipartisan support?

This just in  – Bud Selig announces  plans to expand playoffs further this year. How far?   Just enough so that the Yankees are in the post-season.   (Even Bud has given up on the Red Sox.)

 

President Obama said he and the First Lady didn’t go out “schmoozing” much in the evening because they wanted to be home with their daughters. Although in a second term, BOTH girls hit the teenage years – Barack and Michelle may be out every night.

 

Toughest job of the week at the Democratic convention – Joe Biden, trying to edit his speech down under Paul Ryan’s 2 hour 50 minute marathon time.

 

Michelle Obama  painted a great portrait of Barack as a husband and father tonight, as Ann Romney did with Mitt. But really, most Americans would take Darth Vader if he could fix the economy and healthcare.

 

Paul Ryan now says he did not suggest President Obama was responsible for the GM plant closing before he took office. In Ryan’s defense, it’s easy to get tired and confused when you’re doing that Olympic marathon training.

 

Amazed the GOP last week didn’t try to recast Neil Armstrong’s first words stepping out of the Lunar Module on the moon as “I built this.”

 

 

Hank Williams Jr, declared again at a concert that “We’ve got a Muslim president.” Adding that Obama “hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!” Sigh. Proving again that people can change their religion, but being an a**hole is forever.

(Just wondering, what would Fox News do if some liberal gal singer accused Romney of being anti-Christian and said “we hate him?)

This season USC opened at #1 in college football polls. A ranking that lasted one week until Alabama crushed Michigan. SEC fans are leaning back and thinking “Well, glad that little affirmation action  charade is over.”-

 

“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu, dismissed from the football team has nonetheless enrolled for classes at LSU this fall. Les Miles refuses to speculate on Matieu’s return to the field. I mean, this is all pretty shocking… a once and potentially future LSU football player going to classes?

Love this Washington Post comment passed on by a friend from “Wheat Farmer.” : “Paul Ryan ran a sub 3 hour marathon?? He must be Kenyan. Check his birth certificate.”

Regarding the Nationals’ decision to shut down Stephen Strasburg because they are looking to the future and what’s one year? Right, like when the Cubs lost the 1910 World Series, and their fans thought, well, heck, we won in 1908, we’ll be back….

Apparently many people have been retweeting the news today of Bob Denver’s death. Wonder how long it will take them to add that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

The Blame Game.

August 19, 2012

Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.

Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.

IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.

Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.

A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark,  after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.

From Marc Ragovin:   Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages.  Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.

The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)

Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?

 

A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”

18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.

Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out,  radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”

ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings.  Especially with the all important younger male demographic.

Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions.  Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.

Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.

Flame out

August 12, 2012

The Olympic flame has been extinguished in London.  Just about in time for many Americans to have  gotten through their first week of  Tevo’ed tape-delayed NBC coverage.

What a country. The Olympics closing ceremony was tonight in London, Mitt Romney spent his first weekend touring with his running mate Paul Ryan, an earthquake in Iran killed hundreds… and the most popular story on CNN.com? Jennifer Aniston is engaged.

Mitt Romney is already trying to distance himself from some of Paul Ryan’s proposals and statements. Which is going to be rough, Mitt is already working hard enough to distance himself from some of his own proposals and statements.

Since NBC has decided the best “prime time” is between 1130p and midnight, maybe they could move their fall coverage of Notre Dame football until then?

The man formerly known as Ochocinco, Chad Johnson, was arrested for domestic violence after an alleged argument with his wife when she found the receipt for a box of condoms. Shocking! An NFL player uses condoms?

If Paul Ryan really believes the way to fix Medicare is turning it into a program where seniors receive payments to buy their own health insurance, why doesn’t he advocate trying out his fix on a small, reasonably educated test group – like say, Congress?

You cannot make this stuff up. Romney aide Beth Myers, who ran the V.P. search, now is talking about the closely-guarded process. Since April, the campaign was compiling research documents on each potential candidate, including “several years” of tax returns.

Okay, here we go…. Lesson one on Paul Ryan, the man who wants to privatize Medicare and Social Security. He was only 16 when his dad died, but Ryan was able to pay for college at Miami of Ohio, using Social Security survivors’ benefits

Can anyone imagine what Jamaica sprinters would be like without the country’s number one non-performance enhancing drug?

And as the Olympics ended, didn’t watching Team USA in men’s basketball make you feel all warm and fuzzy and patriotic? Yeah, me neither.

So Obama’s mandate that employers offer birth control is “immoral”, and Catholic bishops said earlier this year that Ryan’s budget “fails to meet moral criteria.” This election may pose the toughest decision in memory for the church hierarchy, well not involving priests.

“Honey Badger” Tryann Mathieu is weighing options of FCS teams (where he can play after being kicked out of LSU.) Apparently Mathieu ruled out Southern because he wants to leave Baton Rouge. Makes sense, the cops all know him now.

Cue the creepy music..

August 11, 2012

Well,  I heard they were doing a remake of the Munsters.

 

This post written at 300a Eastern time on Saturday.  But hey, at  this point Romney’s choosing Paul Ryan as a running mate Saturday will be as much of a surprise as NBC’s tape-delayed Olympic coverage.

 

 

 

 

 

So SF Giants come back from 5-2 road trip to get shut out.  The first five by a pitcher with an ERA over 6? Uh, I know United Airlines  breaks guitars, do they also break bats?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Foxnews.com headline: “Sudden gasoline price spikes have experts scrambling for explanation.” I guess California is so blue that the network no longer covers the state, even refinery fires?

 

 

Fareed Zakaria has been suspended by both Time Magazine and CNN for allegedly plagiarizing a New Yorker column by Jill Lepore on gun control. Presumably not just for the copying, but for being stupid enough to think no one still reads the New Yorker.

The top commander at Lackland Air Force Base was relieved of his duties over a sex scandal where allegedly “dozens” of female recruits were sexually assaulted or harassed by their male instructors. Proving once again the dangers of allowing heterosexuals in the military.

Hope all of the people enjoying watching the U.S. women pile up the medals in London also support Title IX.

Anyone else who used to watch Jackie Gleason reruns think that synchronized swimming is basically the June Taylor dancers going to Sea World?

Man U had a disappointing debut today on the New York Stock Exchange. Of course, part of that problem might be that a lot of Americans are thinking “Whats Man U?

 

LSU’s star DB Tryann Mathieu was kicked off the team for an unspecified athletic department violation. Sounds like when it came to the rules, that Honey Badger should have cared.

Good one from my friend Jim Barach. “UCLA football coach Jim Mora was bragging about his school, saying there are no murders within a block of the campus. O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood house was 2 1/2 blocks from UCLA.

 

Question of the afternoon, which school will “Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu transfer to for “academic reasons?

Due to NCAA investigations of allegations that he had a falsified high school transcript, Auburn freshman RB Jovon Robinson is being held out of practice. Robinson hopes to return this year in time to play and become academically ineligible for 2013.