Posted tagged ‘NBC jokes’

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Not even plausibly live?

August 9, 2016

Has @NBC figured out w/ women’s gymnastics only people who aren’t online enough to know results will be asleep by time show airs? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

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Wonder which will come first, the NBC tape-delayed coverage of women’s gymnastics, or the Chinese women gymnasts hitting puberty?

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Apparently there are signs at the Rio Oympics saying you cannot fish in the toilets. Organizers were worried about that possibility why? – Because it’s the cleanest water in town?

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Tim Tebow has apparently been training and now hopes to pursue a career in professional baseball.Tebow hasn’t played the sport since high school so it’s probably crazy to think he could get to a major league level at this point. Though maybe Tim has a chance to catch on with the Atlanta Braves.

 

#‎TimTebow‬ is now hoping to play pro baseball, although he hasn’t played since high school. Even God is thinking Tim doesn’t have a prayer.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ manager ‪#‎BruceBochy‬ was out of the hospital and back on the bench today. Unfortunately the Giants offense is back on life support.

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After 7 hits last night, the Giants’ ‪#‎BrandonCrawford‬ went 0-4 today, and struck out on his first at-bat on 3 pitches. Hope his bat didn’t have all the hits taken out of it ‪

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A man who was afraid his girlfriend would reunite with her ex called in a fake bomb threat last week before her flight to the Caribbean. He was released on bail, and apparently the couple is back together. These two just might be stupid enough to deserve each other.

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In Florida, two wild tortoises were found with their shells completely painted in bright colors, and the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission had to issue a warning “While to you it may seem harmless, painting the shells of turtles and tortoises can severely compromise their health….”
If only the tortoises were armed. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Martin Shkreli claims he has diagnosed Hillary Clinton with Parkinson’s Disease, Well, and millions of Americans have diagnosed Shkreli with antisocial personality disorder, or in the vernacular, being a sociopath.

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Forget ‪#‎ManyAreSaying‬. What Donald Trump really needs is to start using “Everybody’s talking”:
“Everybody’s talking at me
I don’t hear a word they’re saying
Only the echoes of my mind”

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Trump is dismissing a letter written by 50 GOP national security experts, who worked for presidents from Nixon to W. which said “None of us will vote for Donald Trump.:
The Donald said the letter was “politically motivated” and that the experts “deserve the blame for making the world such a dangerous place.” Wait a minute, I thought that was Hillary and Obama’s fault?

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Donald Trump at a rally today, “Hillary wants to abolish the 2nd amendment. ..If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks — although the 2nd Amendment people, maybe there is.”
If this guy were anything other than the Presidential nominee of a major political party the Secret Service would have made sure he was locked up a long time ago.

 

Possible @RealDonaldTrump is tired of this president thing; just trying to see how outrageous he can be before he is forced out of race?

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Okay, I am generally liberal and proud of it. But a Muslim flight attendant is suing ExpressJet, a commuter airline that works with United Airlines and others, saying they suspended her for refusing to serve alcohol. Uh, so what’s next, she will apply for a job in a bar and then sue them too?

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Blame it all on women in Rio.

August 6, 2016

‬ Statement from NBC’s Chief Marketing Officer John Miller last month about their tape delayed coverage “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the Games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey.”  #nottheOnion

 

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So NBC tape delays ‪#‎Olympics‬ because women don’t like sports & prefer reality TV. On behalf of all women fans to NBC – Bless your heart

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Maybe @NBC’s offensive comments about women and watching sports are just a blatant attempt to steal viewers from @FoxNews? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

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Loved watching ‪#‎Olympics‬ as a child in all kinds of time zones. Waiting to see a world record 4 hr later just doesn’t compare. @NBC sucks.

 

As much as I don’t look forward to Fox and ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ having ‪#‎SuperBowl2017‬ at least they won’t put it on tape delay because of women. @NBC

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Nigeria’s team almost late to ‪#‎Olympics2016‬ because of problem w/ charter flight. They made mistake of contracting with a Nigerian prince?

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An American won the first gold of the Summer Olympics, in the 10 meter air rifle. Well, and shouldn’t we be the best at shooting guns? We have the most of them.

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Meanwhile,  North Korea is at the ‪#‎OlympicGames‬ And their official state newspaper is already reporting on the dozen medals they have won.

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A French gymnast broke his leg while competing in a vaulting event today. Gymnastics fans are thinking “how horrible.” Wonder how many non fans are thinking “Hmm, now that I might tune in to watch.”

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These ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ basketball games have all the drama of ‪#‎SEC‬ college football games – like this year’s Alabama vs Western Kentucky. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

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The story now is that the Team USA basketball players who ended up in a Rio brothel were there accidentally because they thought it was a spa. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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Going into today’s SF Giants vs. Washington Nationals game:  Matt Cain. 3-6, 5.53 ERA, Stephen Strasburg, 15-1, 2.63 ERA   #soyouaresayingtheresachance

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The Yankees have a press conference scheduled tomorrow, possibly about Alex Rodriguez, who will make $21 million this year, and is owed $21 million next year, whether or not he plays. To put that in perspective, the Astros payroll this year is $69 million.

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Brett Favre said tonight that his Hall of Fame induction speech was “harder than any third-and-15.” Maybe because Favre realizes that no HOFer has ever rescinded his retirement?

 

Marco Rubio said today that a pregnant woman infected with Zika virus, even if she thinks the child would be born with severe microcephaly, does not have the right to an abortion.
And of course the Florida senator also proposed that government should pay for lifetime care for such a child. Oh, wait, never mind.

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Donald Trump’s latest “Unstable Hillary Clinton, lacks the judgment, temperament and moral character to lead this country..She’s really pretty close to unhinged, and you’ve seen, you’ve seen it a couple times…she’s like an unbalanced person.”
Guess it’s not just Melania’s speechwriter who’s stealing phrases from Democrats.

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Approaching our last moment of zen?

February 10, 2015

Say it ain’t so, Jon. Jon Stewart announced today that he is stepping down as host of The Daily Show. Has he decided that yes, indeed, these days there really is no satire?

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And this after Stewart may have the best comment on this whole Brian Williams mess: “Finally, someone is being held to account for misleading America about the Iraq war.”

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NBC suspended Brian Williams for 6 months, saying his lies had “jeopardized” the network’s credibility. Wait, NBC had credibility?

 

On a brighter note for NBC,  the NBC Nightly News had its largest total viewership in four weeks.  Maybe other networks will start trying to dig up dirt on their own anchors?

 

Richie Incognito has agreed to a deal with the Buffalo Bills. Wait, I thought Rex Ryan said “we’re going to build a bully,” not sign one.

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ESPN reported that of Gregg Popovich’s 1,000 wins, 921 have been with Tim Duncan. To put that bromance in perspective, 921 is more wins than the Miami Heat have EVER in their history.  (805 as of today.)

 

As a result of a lawsuit filed against him by his daughter, a New Orleans judge ruled that Saints & Pelicans owner Tom Benson, 87, will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine mental competency. Now, clearly Benson is old. But if mental competency was required for an NFL or NBA owner, there would be a lot of vacant chairs at those owner’s meetings.

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Security researcher Mark Burnett this week posted a database containing 10 million usernames and passwords. So were at least 9 million of them 123456789?

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Alex Rodriguez, 39, reportedly told Barry Bonds “l want to take your (home run) record..” Not exactly sure he could get over 100 more home runs without a supplement made from flying pigs, but A-Rod might be one of the few active sluggers who could make Bonds look lovable by comparison.

 

Today in a meeting at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently apologized to the team for his PED suspension. So did he just read from a copy of the same apology speech he gave in 2009?  (“It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”)

 

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Marilyn Hartman, 63, was arrested repeatedly at SFO for trying to sneak onto planes, and at LAX after flying from San Jose without a ticket. Now she’s been arrested in Florida after flying ticket-free from Minneapolis to Jacksonville, where she checked in under another guest’s name. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about TSA, doesn’t it.

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Ethan Czahor, founder of “Hipster.com“, and the new chief technology officer for Jeb Bush’s PAC,  “resigned” tonight, after removing “inappropriate” tweets from his personal account.
Those tweets, dating from 2009-10, included a number of racist and homophobic jokes, along with others that referred to women as sluts. But maybe the real recent Bush let him go?   That Czahor, who is YOUNG enough to know better, didn’t know enough not to post this sort of stuff in the first place.

And for that matter, doesn’t Jeb have anyone on his staff who knows how to use Google on potential new hires?”

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Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who calls herself the Senate’s first female “combat veteran”, is defending herself after it’s been pointed out she was a National Guard Company commander for 13 months. But her unit was never attacked nor in a firefight. Well cut her some slack, maybe Ernst’s real dream job isn’t in Washington, but in network news.

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Who’s not looking at you, kid?

February 12, 2014

More on the showering with a gay teammate issue. What is it about some straight men that makes them think all gay men would find them attractive? I suppose the same thing that makes some men think all women find them attractive.

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New Orleans Saints LB Jonathan Vilma, who originally made what seemed like homophobic comments about showering with a gay teammate, now has given a long convoluted apology. Translation – someone probably got a call from pro-gay rights QB – and team captain – Drew Brees.

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Shirley Temple has passed away. And millions of younger Americans wonder why her parents named her after a drink.

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So at least for now we lose the only real live drama of NBC’s primetime Olympics show – Just how much weirder looking could poor Bob Costas get with his pink eye infection? Costa sat out at least Tuesday’s coverage.

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NBC every night what they perceive to be the best for last with their primetime 8-11pm Olympic coverage. Which means that folks in the generation least likely to have seen the results online have probably been in bed for hours.

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Tuesday silver lining?   Americans can stop pretending to care about halfpipe.

A “historic ice storm” is supposed to hit Atlanta and potentially leave many without power for days. So where are all those fire and brimstone types who like to blame natural disasters on God’s wrath when those disasters happen to Red states?

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Hundreds of flights are being cancelled this week in Charlotte, Dallas and Atlanta due to the latest storm. Looks like if the NFL decides to avoid cold weather cities for future Super Bowls they’re going to have to expand the blacklist.

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If NBC broadcast the Super Bowl guess we would have seen brief tape-delayed highlights of the game between 8p-11p, sandwiched between commercials and human interest stories about Peyton Manning and Richard Sherman?

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Mark Adams, IOC spokesman, regarding complaints about the halfpipe, which some athletes called “sand and mush.” “There is no problem at all with the halfpipe itself, it is just that these are dynamic living fields of play.” “Dynamic living fields of play?” And officials at Candlestick Park are going “Why didn’t we think of that?”

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Well, at least some in the GOP are consistent. Florida Governor Rick Scott, asked directly if he supported an increase in the minimum wage. “If the President really cared about people making minimum wage he’d repeal Obamacare.”

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An explosion at a Pakistan porn movie theater killed 11 and injured 30. No word on how many of the men hospitalized will survive their wives finding out where they were.

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28 Republicans joined with Democrats in the House to pass a clean debt-limit bill today. I blame Obama.

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Georgia Governor Nathan Deal suggests that if power goes out throughout the state, residents should “read a book.” And Georgians under 25 responded “What’s a book?

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Closing this blog on a sad note.  Just heard of the passing of Keith Hillyard suddenly of a heart attack on January 21.  I never met Keith, he was a retired DJ in New Mexico, but he liked my jokes and read my blog regularly. . And a few times a year he’d add a comment, often something funny.

On January 20, he sent me the following.  “With teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl, apparently they’re resurrecting the “Weed Eater” Bowl.”

Keith was only 63, and apparently a serious Denver Broncos fan.  At  least he lived before having to watch this year’s game..

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Inopportune moments,

September 12, 2012

You can’t make this stuff up: ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox all aired moments of silence at 8:48 a.m. today. NBC? They had Kardashian mom Kris Jennner talking about her breast implants.

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GoDaddy says yesterday’s major outage “was not a ‘hack”, but rather a “series of internal network events that corrupted router data tables.”   Well, that ought to make users feel confident.

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Quote found by my friend  David Lombardi from USC running back Silas Redd:   “You have to have a little bit of a sense of urgency going into the conference, this is where you make your money.”

Well, at least he’s honest.

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Reds manager Dusty Baker said he is concerned about Aroldis Chapman’s recent drop in velocity, down to an average of 94.4 MPH on Monday. Upon hearing this Jamie Moyer and Barry Zito  just sobbed.

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According to SI.com men’s basketball co-captains Kyle Casey and Brandyn Curry were both implicated in the recent Harvard cheating scandal. Wow, first the NCAA tournament, now cheating? Guess the Crimson program has really hit the big time.

(and in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” category – thanks to Rich for telling me this –  the class where  Casey, Curry and over 120 other students were caught cheating?  “Introduction to Congress.”)

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What East Coast bias?   ESPN.com has a headline talking about the Giants’ chances in the playoffs. Oops, it’s the NY Giants. After week ONE. Never mind.

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Yikes. After swearing off Twitter in May, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has tweeted “I am. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.” Over-under on how long before he tweets something he has to apologize for?

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Americans were all thinking positive thoughts about New York on the anniversary of September 11. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in a Yankees loss.

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The shocking dilemma of the year in Washington, D.C. Do sports fans on a budget put deposits down for post season tickets on the Nationals or the Orioles?

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Maybe SF Giants should let Madison Bumgarner skip a start and rest his arm. In the meantime he can bat third.

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Roger Clemens said he only wants to pitch for the Astros in 2012 if he can pitch against a “contender.” So he can “knock them right out of the playoffs” And Barry Bonds is thinking – “And they thought I had a big head?”

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Flame out

August 12, 2012

The Olympic flame has been extinguished in London.  Just about in time for many Americans to have  gotten through their first week of  Tevo’ed tape-delayed NBC coverage.

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What a country. The Olympics closing ceremony was tonight in London, Mitt Romney spent his first weekend touring with his running mate Paul Ryan, an earthquake in Iran killed hundreds… and the most popular story on CNN.com? Jennifer Aniston is engaged.

Mitt Romney is already trying to distance himself from some of Paul Ryan’s proposals and statements. Which is going to be rough, Mitt is already working hard enough to distance himself from some of his own proposals and statements.

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Since NBC has decided the best “prime time” is between 1130p and midnight, maybe they could move their fall coverage of Notre Dame football until then?

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The man formerly known as Ochocinco, Chad Johnson, was arrested for domestic violence after an alleged argument with his wife when she found the receipt for a box of condoms. Shocking! An NFL player uses condoms?

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If Paul Ryan really believes the way to fix Medicare is turning it into a program where seniors receive payments to buy their own health insurance, why doesn’t he advocate trying out his fix on a small, reasonably educated test group – like say, Congress?

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You cannot make this stuff up. Romney aide Beth Myers, who ran the V.P. search, now is talking about the closely-guarded process. Since April, the campaign was compiling research documents on each potential candidate, including “several years” of tax returns.

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Okay, here we go…. Lesson one on Paul Ryan, the man who wants to privatize Medicare and Social Security. He was only 16 when his dad died, but Ryan was able to pay for college at Miami of Ohio, using Social Security survivors’ benefits

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Can anyone imagine what Jamaica sprinters would be like without the country’s number one non-performance enhancing drug?

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And as the Olympics ended, didn’t watching Team USA in men’s basketball make you feel all warm and fuzzy and patriotic? Yeah, me neither.

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So Obama’s mandate that employers offer birth control is “immoral”, and Catholic bishops said earlier this year that Ryan’s budget “fails to meet moral criteria.” This election may pose the toughest decision in memory for the church hierarchy, well not involving priests.

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“Honey Badger” Tryann Mathieu is weighing options of FCS teams (where he can play after being kicked out of LSU.) Apparently Mathieu ruled out Southern because he wants to leave Baton Rouge. Makes sense, the cops all know him now.

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Tale of the tape

August 9, 2012

Yet another tape-delayed night at the Olympics about to begin. But with all the online and other spoilers there’s more drama in watching eliminations in American Idol and DWTS.

 

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A thought about beach volleyball. Bikinis in London seem as incongruous as ads for dentists.

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Much discussion lately about if the Founding Fathers ever imagined what would happen with the 2nd Amendment. On lighter note pretty darn sure the ancient Greeks never imagined Olympic beach volleyball.

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Defending Olympic gold-medal champion race walker Alex Schwazer was kicked out of the London Games for blood doping. Cheating race-walkers? What’s next? Quick, someone set up testing for the Professional Bowlers tour.

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At a press conference after being expelled from the Olympics for blood doping, racewalker Alex Schwazer cried and said he was actually happy he’d been caught, saying he wasn’t “made to deceive people”, and “couldn’t take it anymore.” Hmm, what Alex’s next move, running for office?

 

Randy Travis was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. Officials said he was “naked, combative,” and threatened police officers. “Drunk, naked, nasty and busted…” Well, Travis is in a lot of trouble, but he’s got some great starter lyrics for his next song.

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Bobby Valentine just said he thinks his Red Sox are a playoff team. And Josh Beckett is thinking, “Hey bro, how much of my beer are have you been drinking?”

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On the pre-game show for their nationally-televised game of the week, ESPN seriously dissed most of the SF Giants lineup. Can they do this every night, please?

(for anyone who didn’t see, Giants 15-Cardinals 0)

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Personally I don’t care if Ann Romney has a whole stable of purebreds.  But can only imagine if instead of Ann, it was Malia Obama who had a expensive horse and was entering dressage competitions.

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So the GOP is running a misleading ad saying Obama will let welfare recipients get away without working, when the administration has just implemented a strict waiver program that gives states more flexibility with the rules for things like job training. The waiver originally was pushed by Republicans, including,  surprise, Mitt Romney.

(So besides the debates with Obama, this fall will we get to see Mitt Romney debate himself?)

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High times at the Olympics:

August 7, 2012

Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.

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NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”

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Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?

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Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.

(as Alex Schubert commented  –  “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.)  –

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In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”

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Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?

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There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt.  But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but  does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?

(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)

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Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.

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Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.

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More trenchant than funny.  But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.

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Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.

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Tale of the tape delayed.

August 5, 2012

Just back from a couple weeks in Europe.  Which means trading watching live Olympics in languages I don’t understand where they show the winners, to “cut and paste” late night USA highlights. Remind me to do this again in four years.

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Michael Phelps says he’s not going near the water again. Does that include water pipes?

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New Texas GOP Senate nominee Ted Cruz, said of his desire to cut the deficit, that he’d “be happy to compromise and work with anybody, Republicans, Democrats, libertarians, I’ll work with Martians.” Actually, given the polarization in D.C. these days, Martians might be his best bet.

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Lindsey Graham just called Harry Reid a liar for saying he had heard Romney had not paid taxes for 10 years. The same Lindsey Graham who after Osama was killed said, ” Why doesn’t Obama just clear the matter up? I know bin Laden is dead, but the best way to protect our decisions overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world.”

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President Obama’s 51st birthday was yesterday. Assume Donald Trump sent him a card saying “Prove it.

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The Chicago Cubs, who were swept this weekend by the Los Angeles Dodgers, blew multiple leads in losing today,  giving up runs in four of the last five innings. Are the Cubs trying to be the official baseball team of Olympic badminton?

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The Paterno family is demanding an appeal of the NCAA Penn State sanctions. Okay, maybe this isn’t a “quit while you’re ahead” situation, but maybe it’s “keep your mouths shut and quit reminding people” for a while? But then denial may also be a river in State College.

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Clint Eastwood has endorsed Mitt Romney. So where are Karl Rove and all the outraged Republicans who criticized Clint and accused him of being “bought” back in February for that Super Bowl “Halftime in America” ad.

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Which takes less time – the Men’s 100 meter dash, or the coverage NBC devotes to sports where the USA doesn’t do well?

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This is TCU’s first year in the Big 12. And Sunday coach Gary Patterson announced that starting QB Casey Pachall won’t face team discipline after admitting to police in February he had used marijuana and also failed a drug test. Looks like the Horned Frogs will fit in just fine in a major conference.

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Since WNBA and early Women’s March Madness blowout games get extremely low ratings, why does NBC think out of all the Olympics that what we most wanted to see Sunday morning was Team USA beating up on the Chinese?

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All these world records in swimming… Wow.    Of course, after Ryan Lochte’s comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible.

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So regarding this “kiss-in” at Chick-Fil-A between same sex couples, including a lot of lesbians.  Wonder how many conservative men showed up  just “to keep an eye on what these ungodly people are doing.”

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Spoiled?

August 1, 2012

NBC has apologized for spoiling swimmer Missy Franklin’s gold medal race with an ad DURING their coverage for the Today show featuring her win. Ah, how about forget the apology, start showing things live?

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But really, at this point with Twitter, Facebook and the rest of the internet, what is NBC thinking?  At this point the results in Olympic events  are less of a surprise to savvy television viewers than who gets the final rose on the Bachelor.
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Of course to be fair, by the middle of August, all these folks who are upset about various Olympic related issues will have moved on to more relevant sporting results.  Sort of like Cubs fans.
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Eight women badmnton players from China, South Korea and Indonesia were kicked out of the Olympics for alleged match throwing. (Trying to lose early matches, for easier matches later.) And who says women are not as competitive as men?
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A United Airlines 737 from Dallas-Fort Worth to Denver ended up with a hole in its nose after apparently striking a large bird. ABC News said no injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
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Don’t get me wrong, Michael Phelps is amazing. But best Olympian ever? It kind of helps to pick a sport where you can enter a whole lot of events …
(comment encouraged on this one… and how about Steve Redgrave, for example?)
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The sanctions are so strong against Penn State that two top players have transfered to USC and LSU. Good to see the NCAA’s actions are benefiting such admirably clean programs….
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In England, they are celebrating the Queen’s granddaughter winning a silver medal. And some in the U.S. are saying, “wait a minute, I didn’t even know Elton John had grandchildren.”
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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says the former Penn State assistant coach is “distraught” over the NCAA  penalties issued to his former team.  “What a shame” said absolutely no one.
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Women baseball fans have a little extra fun in the MLB trade deadline  – for a week or so some  players on losing teams find out that men too can be regarded basically as  pieces of meat.

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Late night thoughts…

April 13, 2010

Although Conan O’Brien was hoping to take his show to a major network, he ended up on TBS. What a comedown – that’s almost as bad as staying with NBC.

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Jay Leno is having a field day with Tiger Woods, Jesse James and Tiki Barber. And of course, what makes them such great targets is that none of them had any loyalty to their partners. In related news, with the departure of Kevin Eubanks, the Tonight Show will apparently be replacing him with Max Weinberg.

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Date Night” was number one at the box office. You know what that means.. on their own Date Nights, millions of women told their husbands there was no way they were going to “Clash of the Titans.”

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This one’s a bit juvenile. New York Yankees reliever Chan Ho Park blamed his awful first appearance of the 2010 season on a bout of diarrhea. Soon to be served in the visitors clubhouse on many Yankees roadtrips? Three day old chili.

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A Tea Party leader said on CNN today that his conservative movement intends to “clean house” and get the “RINO”s (Republicans In Name Only) out of the Republican party. Wonder how long before they posthumously purge “RINO” Abraham Lincoln?

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What’s scarier, the new KFC “Death-wich” (aka the Double Down, the new bunless fried chicken sandwich? Or the fact that it has less calories than a Big Mac? Or for that matter, a venti White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks?

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Hockey sidebar

Hockey fans in Calgary are finally getting to the point of seeing the silver lining of the Flames’ late season collapse that kept them out of the playoffs. At least the team won’t lose in the first round this year.

Some Calgary fans say the team’s late season play was the most amateur local performance they’d seen since the 1988 Olympics.

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And finally back to commie-pinko mode:

The Republican party is demanding that President Obama choose a “mainstream” nominee for the Supreme Court. What, like George W. Bush did with John Roberts and Samuel Alito?

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It’s 130a – time for a tape-delayed post…?

February 25, 2010

Well, one positive thing from this Olympics.

Vancouver stands to get a lot of future tourist business as a warm weather winter destination.

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The USA hockey team is one win away from playing for a gold medal, and NBC insists on showing the games broken up in pieces, on about a three hour tape delay. (A longer delay on the west coast.) Hey, because nothing populizes a sport that has a hard time attracting attention in the U.S. like showing it hours after most people already know the results.

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Question of the day. Did any of the people in charge of NBC’s Olympic scheduling work for FEMA?

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Figure skating is the worst of the tape delayed events on the West Coast, with the top performers often not being shown until after midnight. So, gentlemen, many of you who work in offices with a number of women now get a sense of how they feel about your productivity during March Madness.

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Dutch speedskater Sven Kramer was disqualified and lost the gold medal Tuesday when his coach sent him the wrong way on a changeover during the 10,000 meter finals. It was the most disastrous Lane change since the University of Tennessee hired Kiffin as their football coach.

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Israel says they have developed planes that can fly without pilots. “Been there, done that”, responded Northwest Airlines.

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Despite allegations of domestic violence and a physical fight with an assistant coach, Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable will not be punished by the NFL. Guess the league figured coaching for Al Davis was punishment enough.

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Most optimistic sign for the San Francisco Giants in Spring Training so far? The Dodgers are now the team with the tempermental left fielder….

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And an “inside baseball” San Francisco joke.

SF Mayor Gavin Newsom had to testify in a criminal trial on Tuesday, and described what he did for a living as “I primarily am responsible for the day-to-day management of city affairs.” What happened to that part about “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

(for anyone who has no idea what that joke means, Newsom spent a lot of last year running for governor, no he’s thinking of running for lieutenant governor, and oh yeah, there were a few little unannounced vacations. “Responsible” is not the first word many San Franciscans would use about their mayor.)

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The Nets, Wizards, and other jokes…

January 29, 2010

The Washington Wizards say they want to move forward after the suspensions of Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. Hello, the team is 14-30. Forward’s about the only direction they can go.

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Any further backwards and they’d be the Washington Generals.

(note, if that last joke was to archaic, the Generals are the perennial rivals to the Harlem Globetrotters.)

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The Nets, 4-40 (no, that’s not a misprint), now take on the Washington Wizards, 14-30, on Friday night. “May the best team win” somehow doesn’t seem like an appropriate comment.

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Even for hardcore Republicans, Barack Obama’s State of the Union did not contain the most unbelievable moment on television Wednesday night; that would have been when they switched to Sportcenter and saw that the New Jersey Nets actually won.

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For serious fans of professional NBA basketball, watching the Nets-Wizards game has to be as appealing as it would be for conservatives to watch a Nancy Pelosi-Hillary Clinton debate…

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John Mayer now says he has masturbated his way out of problems. Yeah, except for “No officer, I wasn’t texting/drinking/using a cellphone while I was driving, I was…oh never mind…give me the ticket…”

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So when is Apple going to start giving out free pink cases for the iPad so you can carry it discreetly in your purse or briefcase?

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NBC is ending the Jay Leno show a few days earlier than planned before the Winter Olympics. Apparently they want to fill the slot with programming that will get higher ratings – like NHL hockey.

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The media is reporting that Tiger Woods is in a sex rehab camp. A camp? Do they go around chanting “Two, four, six, eight, we don’t need to fornicate?

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And from Bill Littlejohn: Reportedly Elin Woods was a guest of the Favres in the past week.No wonder she can’t make up her mind whether to leave Tiger or not”

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Massachusetts and beyond…

January 20, 2010

Michael Dukakis, John Kerry, Martha Coakley…. Who knew Massachusetts was an old Indian word for “crappy Democratic candidates?”

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Some thought Coakley seemed complacent and arrogant. Apparently she might even be a closet supporter of Bill Belichick.

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True story, a client asked in our California office today about getting a passport for her child to go to Hawaii. The scariest thought, people like this can actually vote.

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Breaking news. Although Benji Molina was sure he had better offers, the veteran catchers ended up returning to the SF Giants for 2010 on a one-year contract at a reduced salary. Apparently those offers didn’t turn out to be as good as he thought. And one reputedly included some duties at 10pm on NBC.

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The San Francisco Giants are offering Lincecum $8 million a year in arbitration. The two-time Cy Young winner is asking for $13 million. San Francisco, however, can point out that perhaps it’s not the first time Tim is a little high.

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Conan O’Brien is reportedly close to an agreement with NBC that would allow him to keep the rights to his creations like “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog”, in exchange for a promise not to disparage the network. With all due respect, how can any comic make NBC look worse than they do themselves?

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Back to politics…have to wonder, with all the Democrats in Massachusetts, how did they come up with a candidate as weak as Martha Coakley? Do the state party leaders moonlight in the programming department of NBC?

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If the Republicans now plan to stall health care reform, however, Barack Obama does have a plan to end the filibuster. He’s going to show it every night on NBC at 10pm.

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A good week for idiots.

January 14, 2010

Pat Robertson has said that the horrific earthquake in Port au Prince is somehow the result of past misdeeds of the Haitian people. Which leads to a question – what misdeeds did the American people do in the past that we ended up with Pat Robertson?

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Goose Goosage said that PED users should not be allowed in the Baseball Hall of Fame, because it’s all about “integrity.” Right, players like Ty Cobb and Gaylord Perry.

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At least Gaylord Perry isn’t making a speech about integrity.

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-warning, bad pun alert –
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Tennessee Volunteers fans are furious at their now former football coach Lane Kiffin, who bolted for USC after only a year. Some are hoping the university can prove he violated his contract, which means he could be charged with an “illegal Lane change.”

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A joke from the very funny Jim Barach, with a followup effort of my own.

NBC says it will lose money broadcasting the Winter Olympics. But the network feels at home with winter sports, because they are proving that nobody is faster at going downhill.

Of course, they can always tape delay coverage and put it in the 10p slot.

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Tennessee Titans’ running back Chris Johnson won the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. As opposed to the Oakland Raiders JaMarcus Russell, whose play was ranked the NFL’s Most Offensive.

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Sephora is advertising free samples of Kim Kardashian’s “Eau de Toilette.” Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to call it “Eau de Toilet?”

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Alexandre Burrows of the Vancouver Canucks claimed that referee Stephane Auger called penalties on him as payback for being “shown up” in a previous game. The NHL investigated and found the accusations to be unfounded. But Burrows did get a call from Al Davis asking if he’d considered a post-hockey job in the Raiders organization.

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

January 13, 2010

This just in: Conan O’Brien changed his Facebook status from “In a relationship with NBC” to “It’s complicated.”

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Let’s see, Mark McGwire “comes clean” about steroids, but says he didn’t use them to help hit home runs and adds that Jose Canseco is lying about them injecting each other. Well, okay, admittedly Canseco is a scumbag, but if we are comparing records on the honesty scale.

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Isn’t Mark McGwire now calling Jose Canseco a liar like John Edwards calling Tiger Woods a bad husband?

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Matt Lauer asked Senator John McCain “if the vetting of Sarah Palin was so woefully inadequate that no one from the campaign traveled to Alaska to interview her husband or any of her political opponents? “I wouldn’t know,” McCain replied. Yes, and isn’t that the point exactly.

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Former Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich said he was “blacker than Barack Obama.” Now, there is no chance Blago is blacker than Obama. But he is certifiably dumber than a post.

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Another one bites the dust. At a time when no candidate has really caught fire, or come up with any really serious and practical new ideas, Tom Campbell is dropping out of the race to be the next Governor of California. This isn’t a gubernatorial race, it’s “last comic standing.”

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Tom Campbell is dropping out of the Republican gubernatorial primary, leaving the contest to multi-millionaires Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, who have already spent almost $20 million between them. If Whitman and Poizner really want to help California, what about donating the rest of their campaign budget to the state, and flipping a coin to decide a winner?

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Lane Kiffin has left the University of Tennessee after barely a year and will now coach at USC. It’s all about ambition – guess he wanted to be on probation at a higher-profile school.

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In his short tenure at Tennessee, Kiffin was cited for several minor NCAA violations, three players were arrested, and the football program was accused of more serious recruiting violations involving scantily clad coeds. With that much mess in such a short time – if this USC gig doesn’t work out Kiffin could be offered a job in the programming department of NBC.

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And today’s final word back at NBC, Conan O’Brien has rejected the network’s offer of a 1205a show. Well, the 10 pm slot is vacant….

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