Posted tagged ‘Leno jokes’

Rain, rain, don’t go away

February 6, 2014

California has been in the middle of one of the worst drought in history.   A SF Bay Area artist is claiming he made it finally rain here by putting acupuncture needles in the ground. What BS. My friend knows she made it rain by washing her car.

All kinds of online headlines and on air talk in the SF Bay Area about how the first real rain storm of the year is snarling the morning commute. And in the rest of the country they’re thinking “Oh STFU!”

Jay Leno bid farewell to the Tonight Show, saying it was “the greatest 22 years of my life.” “Not so fast”, think both Brett Favre and NBC executives who will be looking at Jimmy Fallon’s ratings.

The Pittsburgh Steelers’ Ryan Clark says that while he doesn’t smoke marijuana, many NFL players do. “A lot of it is stress relief. A lot of it is pain and medication. Guys feel like, ‘If I can do this, it keeps me away from maybe Vicodin….” So wonder how long until Roger Goodell responds… by fining Clark?

There have been a number of pedestrians struck by cars in San Francisco recently. Today a woman was taken to hospital luckily with only “non-life-threatening injuries” after a taxi hit her. And police said witnesses reported that the woman was jaywalking and looking at something in her hand at the time. Gosh, I wonder what that “something in her hand” could have been?”

Subway is removing “Azodiacarbonamide” from its breads, after a food blogger pointed out the chemical is commonly used to increase elasticity in things like yoga mats. Wonder what chemical Subway is replacing it with?

So when these Sochi games are over will Motel 6 start a new advertising campaign touting their plush rooms?

NBC has a Winter Olympics FB page which says “Share if you’re ready.” Guess the page won’t be shared by the city of Sochi.

So if the water in Sochi is brown and the snow is man-made, should all the Alpine competitors get typhoid shots before they head downhill? Just asking.

From T.C.  ” The NHL will be shut down for three weeks while the Winter Olympics are on. ‘The what?’, said millions of Americans?

G.I. Joe just turned 50. His joints still move but now inside Joe’s box is a free package of Celebrex.

In Virginia, it’s still a misdemeanor for “any unmarried person to voluntarily have sexual intercourse with any other person.” And a bill to repeal the statute just died in committee. Guess this explains why so many politicians live in D.C. proper or in Maryland.

A friend asked “If Romney is not running for office, and since he currently has no public position, why is he all over the airwaves?” I’m thinking, well he can put together a sentence better than Sarah Palin. #smallmercies

Why the South is different. “Garnet and Gold” spring intra-squad football games at Florida State routinely fill the stadium. And last week, the team had a ceremony to celebrate their national championship. Over 30,000 fans showed up.

And outside Doak Stadium,  at the sod cemetery, (no joke, where sod is brought back and buried from road wins), FSU held a  memorial service with three small pieces  of sod from the wins against Florida, against Duke in the ACC title game and the BCS championship game.  Each piece was in a small casket, on display with flowers that represented the team colors of the opponents that Florida State defeated

The latest to “fear the beard” – NBC censors.

November 5, 2010

 “The Machine” joined Brian Wilson on the Thursday’s ” The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”  Even Conan said, “Okay, now that’s twisted.”

Apparently there was talk of censoring “the Machine,”  until the powers-that-be realized no one was really watching the Tonight Show any more anyway.

Good thing Wilson chose baseball over football. Tonight’s appearance would have guaranteed a fine from the No Fun League.

(assuming anyone reading this is familar with “the Machine.”  For his origins, google “Brian Wilson” and “Chris Rose” interview.  Maybe without children under 10 looking over your shoulder.)

They’re still cleaning up from the parade and celebration in S.F.  But says T.C.  – “At least the field at A T and T Park isn’t frozen over, like it would be at Wrigley if the Cubs ever won.”

Actually, my friend Alex Kaseberg had a great joke on the same topic:

“Isn’t the San Francisco Giant’s AT&T Park beautiful? I’d say it is as beautiful as Chicago’s Wrigley Field in late October, but nobody has ever seen Wrigley Field in late October.”

Longtime New York Mets clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels has been suspended due to allegations of illegal gambling.   So far, however, the allegations,  are only for betting on horse racing and football, not baseball.  Makes sense, who in their right mind would bet on the Mets?

Considering how many Americans seem to think the new Congress will just waive a magic wand and fix everything, it’s surprising more of them didn’t vote for someone who had at least dabbled in witchcraft.

For the last three elections, especially in Congress, many Americans have voted for “change.” Translation “make MY life better.” Wonder how long it takes them to discover that this latest group of electeds won’t instantly make that happen. Stand by for another vote for change in 2012.

After Tuesday’s elections, President Obama offered the Republicans a post-election olive branch. John Boehner offered one back, tipped with curare.

Bristol Palin apparently was too busy to vote in this election. Does this mean that when she’s done with all these reality shows Sarah’s daughter plans to run for Governor of California?

Actually, Sarah Palin didn’t take the news too badly.  Of course the bar has been lowered a bit when Bristol says “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.”

George W. Bush will apparently appear on “Oprah” to promote his memoirs. The former President has now joined an exclusive club – those who have written a book before they read one.

One definite bit of good news about SF Mayor Gavin Newsom’s election as Lieutenant Governor. No one will be able to accuse him this time of focusing on a campaign for his NEXT elected office and neglecting his duties. (The California Lieutenant Governor doesn’t really have any.)

The NCAA has dropped one of the serious charges against Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez, and only added one year of probations to the team’s self-imposed punishment. Apparently looking at the Wolverines’ record lately, the NCAA couldn’t see that the school had gained any advantage from the infractions.

Conan, Conan, where are thou, Conan?

April 14, 2010

So Conan O’Brien says he is moving to TBS, either after spurning Fox or being spurned by Fox. And his bandleader Max Weinberg, who was rumored to be going back to the “Tonight Show,” was apparently spurned by Jay Leno. Who says there’s no good drama on TBS?

In homage to the late, great Carnac:

Answer:

Bengay.

Question:

The public relations problem the Pittsburgh Steelers would actually now prefer they had with their quarterback.

Ben Roethlisberger has lost his first endorsement over the sexual abuse allegations; he was dropped by a Pittsburgh company that makes beef jerky. I don’t know, guilty or not, when you now think of “jerky”, you sure think of Ben Roethlisberger.

A Texas man has been arrested and charged with child endangerment for allegedly leaving his 3 year old and 9 month old children locked in the car while he visited a strip club. Wonder if he told his wife he was taking them to a Republican fundraiser?


Example number 347 of why Tiger will never win the hypothetical PGA tour’s “Most beloved” award.

After his surprisingly good -11 performance at the Masters, anyone hear Tiger Woods say “Well, I did my best, but you know, congratulations to Phil. He was just better this weekend. And he deserved to win.”? Yeah, me neither.


Not to say kids these days have no sense of history. But the Apollo 13 astronauts gathered for a reunion this weekend, and the most common reaction from the younger generation – “Wow, they’ve aged a lot since they made that movie.”

Just when you thought….

January 24, 2010

That it might be a slow week for comedy now that the on-air Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien feud is at least temporarily over… Here comes the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have broken up.

Another Wikpedia mistake discovered. The current entry for the Nets starts out:

“The New Jersey Nets are a professional basketball team.”

Sources say the Raiders will retain coach Tom Cable. Translation – they couldn’t find anyone else crazy enough to take the job.


Meg Whitman is spending at least $39 million of her own money to run for Governor of California, NBC is spending about $45 million to get rid of Conan. ALMOST makes the San Francisco Giants’ paying Barry Zito $126 million for 7 years look reasonable.


For Conan O’Brien’s last Tonight show, he took the high road. The result was a program that was relatively subdued, but often both gracious and touching. Many viewers, however, were disappointed. Well, duh, do we watch the Indianapolis 500 to see the most skillful, controlled drivers, or do we guiltily look forward to the spectacular wrecks?


Parents in a Southern California school district wants to ban the Marriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary because a child noticed the word(s) “oral sex.”

So much for social studies students in that district ever doing projects on the impeachment of Bill Clinton and the Starr report.


And this one will be out of date one way or another in about 12 hours, but what the heck….

In tragedy, the heroes must fail in the end, and they must fail for a reason at least partly of their own doing – the fatal flaw – which usually involves hubris. Like deciding you can let a vanquished victim live to fight another day because you don’t care enough to finish him off. Translation, Shakespeare would be rooting for the Jets.

A good week for idiots.

January 14, 2010

Pat Robertson has said that the horrific earthquake in Port au Prince is somehow the result of past misdeeds of the Haitian people. Which leads to a question – what misdeeds did the American people do in the past that we ended up with Pat Robertson?


Goose Goosage said that PED users should not be allowed in the Baseball Hall of Fame, because it’s all about “integrity.” Right, players like Ty Cobb and Gaylord Perry.


At least Gaylord Perry isn’t making a speech about integrity.

-warning, bad pun alert –

Tennessee Volunteers fans are furious at their now former football coach Lane Kiffin, who bolted for USC after only a year. Some are hoping the university can prove he violated his contract, which means he could be charged with an “illegal Lane change.”


A joke from the very funny Jim Barach, with a followup effort of my own.

NBC says it will lose money broadcasting the Winter Olympics. But the network feels at home with winter sports, because they are proving that nobody is faster at going downhill.

Of course, they can always tape delay coverage and put it in the 10p slot.

Tennessee Titans’ running back Chris Johnson won the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. As opposed to the Oakland Raiders JaMarcus Russell, whose play was ranked the NFL’s Most Offensive.


Sephora is advertising free samples of Kim Kardashian’s “Eau de Toilette.” Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to call it “Eau de Toilet?”


Alexandre Burrows of the Vancouver Canucks claimed that referee Stephane Auger called penalties on him as payback for being “shown up” in a previous game. The NHL investigated and found the accusations to be unfounded. But Burrows did get a call from Al Davis asking if he’d considered a post-hockey job in the Raiders organization.

A home run king took steroids? I’m shocked, shocked…

January 12, 2010

Breaking news: Mark McGwire admitted in a apologetic statement today that he had indeed used steroids. “I’m really shocked” said absolutely nobody.

Mark McGwire confessed to steroid use today, then immediately started qualifying his apology. Yo, Mark, you had us at “I’m Sorry.”


McGwire stated the steroid use was for injuries, but it did not help him hit home runs. I think I like “didnt inhale” better.


When will they ever learn? Seriously, had McGwire just made a simple apology and been done with it, he would have come out sounding a lot better. Even Governor Sanford was heard to comment, “Mark, less is more.”


Not saying that Conan O’Brien is bitter, but allegedly one of his shows later this week will be subtitled “Clinging to guns and religion.”


Simon Cowell has announced he will be leaving American Idol after this season. Apparently he wants to spend more time with his mirror.


Regarding the Conan-Leno drama, some think Conan should jump to Fox. But Fox just signed Sarah Palin. Who might be a good choice for a late night talk show herself. Half the audience would consider it news, and the other half would consider one of the funniest things on television.


If Conan decides to quit NBC and get out of the late night business altogether, he would receive an $80 million payout, but he’d have to give up on having a regular television audience to watch him tell jokes. So basically he’d be in the same position Leno is in now.


On “The Bachelor” tonight, a contestant named Rozlyn was sent home for having a physical relationship with a producer on the show. Let’s see, you’re living in a house where cameras are running nonstop, and you’re competing with 20 something other women to win a guy, and you think you are going to get away with a “secret affair” while this is going on? Not only is she off “Bachelor”, but Rozlyn has also just proved herself ineligible for “Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”

Military intelligence and other oxymorons

December 22, 2009

Since the troops are stretched so thin, a new order from the general in charge of northern Iraq makes getting pregnant or impregnating a fellow soldier an offense punishable by court-martial. Wouldn’t it be simpler to just ban heterosexuals from the military?


Three USC players were declared academically ineligible for the Emerald Bowl. Isn’t being declared academically ineligible at USC like being a woman and getting turned down for sex by Tiger Woods?



Snow postponed and nearly NFL games in Philadelphia and Baltimore on Sunday. Unfortunately for Redskins fans their Monday night game went on as scheduled.


NFL players are being encouraged to donate their brains to science. Washington fans are also encouraging Redskins owner Dan Synder to donate his brain as well. Since it hasn’t been used in years.


So the AP male athlete of the year is… NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson? I guess 800 horsepower of machinery isn’t considered performance enhancing?


A new Department of Transportation rule will limit the time airlines can keep passengers stranded onboard on the tarmac to three hours. Unless Joe Lieberman is on board, in which case the delay shall simply be referred to as a “filibuster.”


Congrats to country music star Carrie Underwood, who is now engaged to Mike Fisher, who plays hockey for the NHL Ottawa Senators. Her fans are asking “What’s hockey?” His fans are asking “What’s country music?”

Adam Lambert appeared on Jay Leno’s show Monday night. I guess they figured if he kissed a boy NBC wanted him to do it somewhere where no one would notice.


The New York Yankees luxury tax this year, over $25 million. The Florida Marlines payroll, $35 million. What more do you need to know about baseball?