Posted tagged ‘Conan O’Brien jokes’

Late night thoughts…

April 13, 2010

Although Conan O’Brien was hoping to take his show to a major network, he ended up on TBS. What a comedown – that’s almost as bad as staying with NBC.

Jay Leno is having a field day with Tiger Woods, Jesse James and Tiki Barber. And of course, what makes them such great targets is that none of them had any loyalty to their partners. In related news, with the departure of Kevin Eubanks, the Tonight Show will apparently be replacing him with Max Weinberg.

Date Night” was number one at the box office. You know what that means.. on their own Date Nights, millions of women told their husbands there was no way they were going to “Clash of the Titans.”

This one’s a bit juvenile. New York Yankees reliever Chan Ho Park blamed his awful first appearance of the 2010 season on a bout of diarrhea. Soon to be served in the visitors clubhouse on many Yankees roadtrips? Three day old chili.

A Tea Party leader said on CNN today that his conservative movement intends to “clean house” and get the “RINO”s (Republicans In Name Only) out of the Republican party. Wonder how long before they posthumously purge “RINO” Abraham Lincoln?

What’s scarier, the new KFC “Death-wich” (aka the Double Down, the new bunless fried chicken sandwich? Or the fact that it has less calories than a Big Mac? Or for that matter, a venti White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks?

Hockey sidebar

Hockey fans in Calgary are finally getting to the point of seeing the silver lining of the Flames’ late season collapse that kept them out of the playoffs. At least the team won’t lose in the first round this year.

Some Calgary fans say the team’s late season play was the most amateur local performance they’d seen since the 1988 Olympics.

And finally back to commie-pinko mode:

The Republican party is demanding that President Obama choose a “mainstream” nominee for the Supreme Court. What, like George W. Bush did with John Roberts and Samuel Alito?

Just when you thought….

January 24, 2010

That it might be a slow week for comedy now that the on-air Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien feud is at least temporarily over… Here comes the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have broken up.

Another Wikpedia mistake discovered. The current entry for the Nets starts out:

“The New Jersey Nets are a professional basketball team.”

Sources say the Raiders will retain coach Tom Cable. Translation – they couldn’t find anyone else crazy enough to take the job.

Meg Whitman is spending at least $39 million of her own money to run for Governor of California, NBC is spending about $45 million to get rid of Conan. ALMOST makes the San Francisco Giants’ paying Barry Zito $126 million for 7 years look reasonable.

For Conan O’Brien’s last Tonight show, he took the high road. The result was a program that was relatively subdued, but often both gracious and touching. Many viewers, however, were disappointed. Well, duh, do we watch the Indianapolis 500 to see the most skillful, controlled drivers, or do we guiltily look forward to the spectacular wrecks?

Parents in a Southern California school district wants to ban the Marriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary because a child noticed the word(s) “oral sex.”

So much for social studies students in that district ever doing projects on the impeachment of Bill Clinton and the Starr report.

And this one will be out of date one way or another in about 12 hours, but what the heck….

In tragedy, the heroes must fail in the end, and they must fail for a reason at least partly of their own doing – the fatal flaw – which usually involves hubris. Like deciding you can let a vanquished victim live to fight another day because you don’t care enough to finish him off. Translation, Shakespeare would be rooting for the Jets.


January 13, 2010

This just in: Conan O’Brien changed his Facebook status from “In a relationship with NBC” to “It’s complicated.”

Let’s see, Mark McGwire “comes clean” about steroids, but says he didn’t use them to help hit home runs and adds that Jose Canseco is lying about them injecting each other. Well, okay, admittedly Canseco is a scumbag, but if we are comparing records on the honesty scale.

Isn’t Mark McGwire now calling Jose Canseco a liar like John Edwards calling Tiger Woods a bad husband?

Matt Lauer asked Senator John McCain “if the vetting of Sarah Palin was so woefully inadequate that no one from the campaign traveled to Alaska to interview her husband or any of her political opponents? “I wouldn’t know,” McCain replied. Yes, and isn’t that the point exactly.

Former Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich said he was “blacker than Barack Obama.” Now, there is no chance Blago is blacker than Obama. But he is certifiably dumber than a post.

Another one bites the dust. At a time when no candidate has really caught fire, or come up with any really serious and practical new ideas, Tom Campbell is dropping out of the race to be the next Governor of California. This isn’t a gubernatorial race, it’s “last comic standing.”

Tom Campbell is dropping out of the Republican gubernatorial primary, leaving the contest to multi-millionaires Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, who have already spent almost $20 million between them. If Whitman and Poizner really want to help California, what about donating the rest of their campaign budget to the state, and flipping a coin to decide a winner?

Lane Kiffin has left the University of Tennessee after barely a year and will now coach at USC. It’s all about ambition – guess he wanted to be on probation at a higher-profile school.

In his short tenure at Tennessee, Kiffin was cited for several minor NCAA violations, three players were arrested, and the football program was accused of more serious recruiting violations involving scantily clad coeds. With that much mess in such a short time – if this USC gig doesn’t work out Kiffin could be offered a job in the programming department of NBC.

And today’s final word back at NBC, Conan O’Brien has rejected the network’s offer of a 1205a show. Well, the 10 pm slot is vacant….

A home run king took steroids? I’m shocked, shocked…

January 12, 2010

Breaking news: Mark McGwire admitted in a apologetic statement today that he had indeed used steroids. “I’m really shocked” said absolutely nobody.

Mark McGwire confessed to steroid use today, then immediately started qualifying his apology. Yo, Mark, you had us at “I’m Sorry.”

McGwire stated the steroid use was for injuries, but it did not help him hit home runs. I think I like “didnt inhale” better.

When will they ever learn? Seriously, had McGwire just made a simple apology and been done with it, he would have come out sounding a lot better. Even Governor Sanford was heard to comment, “Mark, less is more.”

Not saying that Conan O’Brien is bitter, but allegedly one of his shows later this week will be subtitled “Clinging to guns and religion.”

Simon Cowell has announced he will be leaving American Idol after this season. Apparently he wants to spend more time with his mirror.

Regarding the Conan-Leno drama, some think Conan should jump to Fox. But Fox just signed Sarah Palin. Who might be a good choice for a late night talk show herself. Half the audience would consider it news, and the other half would consider one of the funniest things on television.

If Conan decides to quit NBC and get out of the late night business altogether, he would receive an $80 million payout, but he’d have to give up on having a regular television audience to watch him tell jokes. So basically he’d be in the same position Leno is in now.

On “The Bachelor” tonight, a contestant named Rozlyn was sent home for having a physical relationship with a producer on the show. Let’s see, you’re living in a house where cameras are running nonstop, and you’re competing with 20 something other women to win a guy, and you think you are going to get away with a “secret affair” while this is going on? Not only is she off “Bachelor”, but Rozlyn has also just proved herself ineligible for “Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”