Posted tagged ‘Jay Leno jokes’

Wanna get away?

April 3, 2013

The Carnival Triumph, which was being repaired in Mobile, Ala after breaking down in February, has apparently broke loose Wednesday from its moorings. Maybe after all the coverage on CNN the ship just wanted to go away and hide.

Now that Mark Sanford is engaged to the woman he had an affair with, have to figure the chance of her letting him go hiking alone are about the same as Kobe Bryant’s wife suggesting he order room service.

Mark Sanford, who won the GOP primary for the House special election in South Carolina, has apologized to voters over his lies and affair. Wonder if he’s also issued an apology to Bill Clinton.

Dallas Mavericks’ owner Mark Cuban said that he’d draft Britney Griner and give her a chance to make the team. Hey, compared to most of the men in the NBA she’d whine less and pass more.

Not that any of my readers would have been upset, but two Florida DJs have been suspended after a number of listeners freaked out and called the Lee County water office because of an April Fool’s joke. Which was telling listeners that “dihydrogen monoxide” was coming out of their taps…..

Jay Leno has made it official, he is leaving the Tonight Show permanently. And somewhere Brett Favre is just giggling.

Okay, Dodgers and Giants fans, Clayton Kershaw and Madison Bumgarner have both had great starts, but when it comes to ESPN showing the pitcher of the week, guessing Yu’s on first.

Rutgers fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice after tapes of him being abusive to players in practice were aired on ESPN. Originally Rutgers’ AD had just suspended the coach, but changed their mind due to public outrage, that and Rice not getting the team into March Madness.

My friend Ed Murrell pointed out that the Houston Astros struck out 43 times in their three games with Texas. Maybe it’s part of a cost-saving plan to reduce the number of broken bats?

Nice home run from Panda Sandoval. But this is not going to do much for the SF Giants’ “tell Panda he HAS to diet now” plan.

Sometimes best contracts are the ones you don’t sign. Remember the controversy when #SF Giants chose not to lock up #Lincecum long term?

A new report alleges that Auburn’s football program paid money to stars to stay in school and bypass the NFL draft, and changed players’ grades to keep them eligible before the 2011 BCS championship game. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

Former Major League Baseball catcher Mike Piazza has announced he will be playing the role of a gangster in a production by the Miami City Ballet. Well, that ought to take care of the gay rumors.

After being turned down by Shaka Smart, Flip Saunders and Mick Cronin, Minnesota has hired Rick Pitino’s son Richard as their new men’s basketball coach. Can’t wait for the press conference where the Gophers announce how thrilled they were that their fourth choice accepted the job. –

Oscar Pistorius’s agent says Pistorius wants to train again, adding “it was clear and evident it’s going to take some time for him (to be ready to compete),” Van Zyl said. ”He’s trying to process this whole ordeal.” “I feel so sorry for him,” said absolutely no one.

From Jim Barach:   “The Associated Press has dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from their stylebook. The question is, when will they also eliminate other antiquated terms like “congressional ethics”?”


Late night thoughts…

April 13, 2010

Although Conan O’Brien was hoping to take his show to a major network, he ended up on TBS. What a comedown – that’s almost as bad as staying with NBC.

Jay Leno is having a field day with Tiger Woods, Jesse James and Tiki Barber. And of course, what makes them such great targets is that none of them had any loyalty to their partners. In related news, with the departure of Kevin Eubanks, the Tonight Show will apparently be replacing him with Max Weinberg.

Date Night” was number one at the box office. You know what that means.. on their own Date Nights, millions of women told their husbands there was no way they were going to “Clash of the Titans.”

This one’s a bit juvenile. New York Yankees reliever Chan Ho Park blamed his awful first appearance of the 2010 season on a bout of diarrhea. Soon to be served in the visitors clubhouse on many Yankees roadtrips? Three day old chili.

A Tea Party leader said on CNN today that his conservative movement intends to “clean house” and get the “RINO”s (Republicans In Name Only) out of the Republican party. Wonder how long before they posthumously purge “RINO” Abraham Lincoln?

What’s scarier, the new KFC “Death-wich” (aka the Double Down, the new bunless fried chicken sandwich? Or the fact that it has less calories than a Big Mac? Or for that matter, a venti White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks?

Hockey sidebar

Hockey fans in Calgary are finally getting to the point of seeing the silver lining of the Flames’ late season collapse that kept them out of the playoffs. At least the team won’t lose in the first round this year.

Some Calgary fans say the team’s late season play was the most amateur local performance they’d seen since the 1988 Olympics.

And finally back to commie-pinko mode:

The Republican party is demanding that President Obama choose a “mainstream” nominee for the Supreme Court. What, like George W. Bush did with John Roberts and Samuel Alito?

Back to reality…

March 2, 2010

As many Americans on the west coast in particularly made it into work Monday after their regularly schedule time, and told their bosses… “I’m not late, I’m just tape delayed.”

The gold medal hockey game between the U.S. and Canada was the most watched television event in Canada ever. In the U.S. it was the most watched television event, of the week, until the final episode tonight of this season’s “The Bachelor.”

Monday night, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show at 1135p. Of course, most west coast viewers thought it was just the 10pm Jay Leno show being tape delayed.

Apparently Simon Cowell of American Idol is in love and getting married. Really? I wonder what state has passed a law allowing a man to marry himself?

A significant percentage of Americans now get their news from Facebook. Which might explain why a lot of them think that Obama has a farm with several lost lambs at the White House and that Dick Cheney is a master at Mafia Wars.

The Vancouver Health Department says they gave out over 100,000 condoms during the games. Which is a good thing from a health standpoint. On another level, weren’t these athletes exactly the sort of people the world WANTS to meet and reproduce?

Former President Bill Clinton apparently called Tiger Woods recently to pledge his support. Including an offer, if Woods was feeling tempted, to be the caretaker of his rolodex.

A recent physicial showed that Barack Obama is in excellent shape, except for slightly high cholesterol, and his inability to completely give up cigarettes. On the other hand, countless Americans are relieved at the concept of a President who is doing nothing more with tobacco products except smoking them.

Darwin award nominee of the Month – (yes, this is tacky.)

Authorities believe a Washington man was killed, after he escaped injury in a single-car accident, by urinating on power lines the accident had downed. Talk about dying to take a leak.

God’s will?

January 11, 2010

According to former McCain aide Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin believed she was chosen as the vice-presidential candidate because it was “God’s plan.” If so, this is compelling evidence that God is a Democrat.

In the midst of an NCAA investigation into major violations with the Trojan football program, Pete Carroll has resigned from USC. Which probably means that he has signed on as coach as the Seahawks. Either way he probably wasn’t going to end up with a bowl eligible team.

NBC has announced that they will cancel “The Jay Leno Show” at 1000p. They intend to move it to a half hour program at 1135p. Actually the network announced this decision last week on Leno’s show, but nobody saw it.

Hard-core Brett Favre fans watching the Packers-Cardinals game will say that the ageless quarterback would never have made that game-ending fumble. Of course not, he would have thrown a game ending interception.

The first NFL Wild-Card game on Sunday started at 1000a Pacific Time. This meant a lot of fans on the West Coast ended up just sleeping through the first quarter of the Baltimore-New England game. Guess what? The Patriots did too.

According to the University of Texas trainer, apparently Colt McCoy wanted to return to the BCS championship game but the injury had prevented him from “throwing with with the strength or accuracy he needed.”

This would, however, not have disqualified him from playing quarterback for the Raiders.

For all those looking ahead to next week’s NFL playoffs (and yes, it’s true, there are no bowl games this week, finally), the Arizona Cardinals, after their 51-45 win against the Packers, will take their high-powered offense and somewhat-challenged defense on the road to New Orleans. And the Saints follow a pretty similar model. This could be the first NFL game ever with a triple digit over-under.

(note to casual or non betting fans- the over-under is a bet where you bet on how many TOTAL points will be scored by both teams a game.)

On the Leno mess. In all seriousness. As someone who grew up looking forward to those times when I could stay up and watch the Tonight Show, mostly Fridays and school breaks, it seemed pretty obvious even then that it was the kind of show you watched before going to bed. I remember Carson talking in an interview about all the men who would come up to him and, thinking they were original, say, “Hey, Johnny, my wife undresses in front of you every night.”

And even when I watched the show, I didn’t always make it to the end. Nonetheless, it was a great way to end the day. Which leads to the problem. NBC claims the ratings for “the Jay Leno Show” weren’t bad, but the networks complained it was a terrible lead in to the news. In the words of Homer Simpson “D’oh”

Anyone who wanted a late night post news show was going to watch Conan or Letterman, because that’s the kind of show they wanted at that time. My guess is that a lot of people who watched Jay turned the set off afterwards and went to bed, and got whatever news they needed online or early am. It just doesn’t feel right to watch a relaxing and sometimes cheesy variety/talk show, and then turn on the local “Fire, weather and murder” show, aka the news.

Not that the Leno show ever really felt like it had quite jelled, but I think almost any similar show with any host would be a failure at that hour, especially in terms of being a news lead-in. IMHO.