Posted tagged ‘The Bachelor jokes’

And the winner is….

March 1, 2016

Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the ‪#‎oscarssowhite‬ boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.

 

One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?

Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”

 

A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.

 

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.

 

As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.

 

Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.

 

Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?

 

A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.

A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING.  ‪#‎notsosorry‬

Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.

After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. ‪#‎lawofunintendedconsequences‬

 

Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.

John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. ‪#‎howlowcanyougo‬?

 

 

 

From T.C.  in response to my comment about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”

Not watered down.

January 30, 2016

 

The situation in Flint has made some nervous about New Orleans’ drinking water because the city still has some lead pipes from the early 1900s still in use. Solution for locals? Beer, wine, and whiskey neat.

 

A Delta Air Lines flight from Los Angeles to Minneapolis had to make an unscheduled landing in Salt Lake City because two flight female flight attendants got into a on board fistfight over “work issues” No word on if the airline also charged passengers a “catfight” fee.

 

Wonder what the polls will say on Monday about ‪#‎Iowa‬. Wait, we’re going to have actual VOTES?!!  Or caucus votes at least.  What a concept.

Iowa caucuses and “The Bachelor” both will be on TV Monday night. Difference at this point is that “The Bachelor” has more plausible human beings.

 

Police were called over an “incident” potentially involving Johnny Manziel and his ex-girlfriend early Saturday morning.  So congrats to all those who had January 30 in the last pool.

In Benicia, California, an FBI badge, credentials and three handguns were stolen from a secured FBI vehicle parked overnight in a neighborhood, What could possibly go wrong?. ‪#‎goodguywithagunbecomesstupidguywithoutguns‬

 

 

 

“The Revenant” didn’t get Best Picture at the SAG awards. So those who enjoy watching a winner emerge from white-on-white violence will just have to wait until the Iowa caucuses.

Cliven Bundy says now that LaVoy Finicum was “assassinated” during the wildlife refuge occupation. “These men in local, state, and U.S. government feared the truths that LaVoy Finicum was standing for….”
Well, that ought to really help Cliven’s son Ammon’s chances for bail.

Donald Trump is referring repeatedly to Ted Cruz as an “anchor baby.” But is Trump himself a host for the foreign–born furry thing that lives on his head?

 

 

 

From T.C. “If you bet on this weekend’s Pro Bowl, you are a degenerate. If you bet on both the Pro Bowl and the NHL All Star game, you need counseling.”

Passing through

January 6, 2015

TMZ reports that Johnny Manziel flipped off hecklers at a Houston club this weekend, and they responded by throwing drinks at him. Then the Cleveland rookie QB presumably tried to throw a drink back… but it was intercepted.

Both the Buckeyes and Ducks are wearing new uniforms for the Championship game next Monday, thanks to Nike. The company is paying Oregon $600,000 in cash and $2.2 million equipment allowance this year. And they are giving Ohio State $1.5 million in cash and $2.5 million in equipment. But heaven forbid a booster buy one of the players dinner.

New Orleans LB linebacker Junior Galette has been arrested on a domestic violence charge. Few details yet, but expect Galette will plead not guilty. After all he’s a Saints defender, they don’t hit anybody.

A unnamed member of the Ferguson grand jury that didn’t indict police officer Darrell Wilson for shooting Michael Brown has filed a lawsuit to remove a lifetime gag order about the case. Translation, someone wants a book deal.

Olivia Newton-John and Grease co-star Didi Conn (Frenchie) reunited for a performance in Las Vegas this week. Only now they were both singing “You might be the One That I Want, if I could remember.”

 

Apparently after Kanye West and Paul McCartney collaborated on a single, some of West’s fans tweeted “Who is Paul McCartney?” Won’t be too many years before music fans will ask “Who is Kanye West?”

Former Giants’ pitcher Stu Miller has died at the age of 87. There will be no pallbearers at his funeral, instead, his casket will just be placed on a mound and blown into the grave.

People will be talking about that pass interference reversal for decades, especially if the Cowboys go further in the playoffs. But whether it was the right call or not, does anyone think there was a snowball’s chance in hell a flag would have been picked up if it were on a Lions defender during Dallas’s last drive?

 
My friend Trevor commented, “Odd, Lions usually have no problem with the Zebras…”
 

Detroit Lions coach Jim Caldwell said the pass interference penalty that was taken away was “hard to swallow.” Agree with him, but also hard to swallow when you choke with a 4th and 1 AND a 10 yard punt.

Chris Christie was shown celebrating yesterday in Jerry Jones’ box. But he missed on a high five with Jones. Either that or the Dallas Cowboys’ owner was just trying to stay out of the way of a offensive lineman sized hit.

Oil has fallen below $50 a barrel. So no doubt the airlines will be lowering fuel surcharges that in some cases are more than the cost of the fare itself. At the same time they start putting pigs on board every flight.

 

Got to give ‪#‎TheBachelor‬ credit. One episode is enough to make many people question why they ever wanted to defend heterosexual marriage.

Jeb Bush said yesterday that gay marriage should be “a state decision.” Right, like driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants, abortion and legalized marijuana

 

Two police officers were shot tonight in the Bronx. But fortunately reports are neither sustained life-threatening injuries. Also fortunately, reports are neither of the suspects is black.

What’s in a name?

October 28, 2014

American Airlines cancelled a Los Angeles to London flight Sunday and passengers were kept onboard for hours when someone on board picked up a wi-fi hot sport named “Al-Quida Free Terror Nettwork.” Police said today that “no crime was committed.” Shouldn’t someone be charged with felony stupidity?

 

 

So as we approach game six of the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, it makes so much sense that home field advantage was decided by a midsummer exhibition game where the only Royals and Giants involved were Salvador Perez and Hunter Pence, with one AB each, and Greg Holland who pitched one inning.

Oops, country singer Aaron Lewis, who as Deadspin noted criticized Christina Aguilera’s version of the Star Spangled Banner (“I don’t understand how people that sing the national anthem can be so f— self-obsessed that they would try to change that f— song.”), forgot the words last night at A T& T Park, singing the second line as “What so proudly we hailed were so gallantly streaming.”

And apologies to my Dodgers fan friends for this. But it was too funny to resist.

mound

“Bachelor” Juan Pablo and his girlfriend Nikki have broken up. “I’m shocked,” said none of the three people who cared.

 

A recent CNN poll found that 53% disapprove of President Obama’s performance. Which puts him well ahead of Congress, which has an 85% disapproval rating.

Some think Chris Christie’s tough guy style might be just what America needs against the Russians etc. But as of today it’s Nurse 1, Governor 0.

The Crimson Tide Foundation, Alabama boosters, paid off Nick Saban’s $3.1 million home last year and are paying property taxes each year. Of course if the NONPROFIT foundation bought dinner for some players the kids would be suspended.

 

University of Florida coach Will Muschamp complained today. “Well, you’ve got to get home and explain to your 9-year-old why they’re chanting to fire your dad.” So guess Muschamp’s 9-year-old doesn’t watch the games?

 

 

NY Jets GM John Idzik said in rambling press conference he is not concerned about his job security. That’s it. Forget the team’s record, that statement alone says that Idzik is too dumb to be GM.

Meanwhile, add Colt McCoy to a long list of QBs who appear to be better than Geno Smith.

 

 

 

#‎Cowboys‬ release ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ and promptly lose to ‪#‎Washington‬? Maybe God isn’t that upset with gays in the locker room? ‪#‎Rainbowkarma‬

 

Who says ‪#‎Dodgers‬ & ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans can’t get along?. I think we all were thrilled tonight to see the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ lose.

 

So if we’re quarantining threats to the public, when can we start quarantining firearms owners who haven’t taken classes in gun safety?

 

 

So you think your parents messed you up. An unidentified person posted an Instagram photo this weekend of a small child wearing a Ray Rice costume and dragging a doll. The caption “Greatest costume ever.” The picture has been taken down.

Not so dearly departed.

January 18, 2014

The Minneapolis Metrodome was deflated for the last time today, as a precursor to being demolished next week. “I’m really going to miss that place,” said absolutely nobody.

 

Meanwhile, Candlestick Park awaits its own demolition, probably later this year. But if they really want to give the place a fitting sendoff, perhaps the NHL might schedule there the Summer version of the Winter Classic?

Houston’s mayor Annise Parker, has wedded her longtime partner, Kathy Hubbard, in California. Texas law still prohibits gay marriage. But it’s okay to shoot each other.

Some talk that the French are becoming less tolerant because there is a fair bit of controversy over President Hollande’s relationship issues. My sense, not exactly…. but the French understand that their leaders are supposed to have affairs, not leave the First Lady over them….

 

 

“The Bachelor”, Juan Pablo Galavais, is apologizing for saying he didn’t like the idea of a gay or bisexual Bachelor because it would set a “bad example for children to watch” and that homosexuals are “pervert(ed).” He attributed the comments to a English as a 2nd language issue. But Juan Pablo was half-right, the Bachelor is a bad example for children to watch.

 

New Vanderbilt coach Derek Mason says he wants the Commodores to someday play for the Southeastern Conference championship. Making me think that he left Stanford with a prescription for medical marijuana.

 

For the first time in 28 years the Jamaican bobsled team has qualified for the Winter Olympics. Standby for fun, and for sled driver Winston Watt, 46, screaming “You punks get off my run.”

Geno Smith was involved in a dispute with a Virgin America flight attendant, allegedly over cellphones, and kicked off the plane. So much for all those who said the New York Jets wouldn’t be relevant in the postseason.

(My friend Jon N says “Looks like Geno’s got to focus on his ground game.”)

 

CNN reported that 66 out of more than 2,500 passengers on a four day Royal Caribbean Cruise to the Bahamas and Key West became sick with gastrointestinal issues- vomiting and diarrhea. Norovirus is suspected. But okay, 66 out of 2,500? Have to wonder how many of those folks have symptoms due to oversampling of the local beverages

After the rose colored glasses?

March 12, 2013

Confused here, so when the Bachelor finally makes his choice do they send up a plume of rose-colored smoke?

So the Vatican wants the Church to be more relevant in a modern age. Maybe they could increase interest in this whole Papal selection process by publishing brackets? (And warning those brackets are not for betting purposes.)

Yesterday on “Meet the Press,” Jeb Bush referred to political reporters as “crack addict” or “heroin addicts.” Well, this ought to get media relations for his probable 2016 run off to a good start.

Jeb Bush, when asked about the effect his family history might have on a run for the Presidency, replied “I don’t think there’s any Bush baggage at all.” And Sarah Palin commented “And they call ME stupid?!”

A 25-year-old Seattle high school softball coach has resigned after he was caught allegedly sending female students out to get photographs and phone numbers of “cute girls” for him. Well, on the bright side, at least he wasn’t sleeping with his players.

Not a boxing fan, but kudos to former UFC light heavyweight champion Rashad Evans: “I am a heterosexual guy in a tough macho sport, which is exactly the reason I feel a duty to say I support gay marriage and gay rights. What people overlook is that is isn’t a sex issue, its a love issue. There’s no justifiable reason for trying to get in the way of two people who love each other.”

A bipartisan group of eight Senators has apparently come to an agreement on a path to legal status for illegal immigrants Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of eight members of the House is close to agreeing that the sun sets in the west.

The Yankees are so desperate for temporary help due to all their injuries that they’ve reportedly talked to retired players Derrek Lee and Scott Rolen, and they’re even interested in Chipper Jones. “Hey, I’m available” chimed in Brett Favre.

Some are comparing Mayor Bloomberg to a Nanny. But really, is that the best analogy? Remember Mary Poppins and her “spoonful of sugar?”

A judge just tossed out New York City’s large sugary soda ban, a day before it was to take effect. Here we go through the appeals process … your tax dollars at work.

Wonder if the court’s decision on the large sugary soda ban will last through Opening Day. Does alas wreck the excuse of  “Really, honey, I didn’t want all those beers, but they were the only large cold drinks I could get.”

New York Mayor Bloomberg said the people who will be helped by the city’s soda restrictions will be poor people who “don’t have the ability to take care of themselves as well” as the wealthy. Can’t wait to see the next time Bloomberg meets up with Chris Christie.

Donald Trump said today he’ll cover the costs to keep White House tours open for rest of the year. Makes sense, presume the Donald would want a sponsorship banner or sign: it’s the only way he’ll get his name on a door in the White House.

How the other half travels: The Four Seasons in Hong Kong has a Club Level package for three night that covers garment pressing – with the note “up to six garments per day.”

Old boys of summer.

February 26, 2013

Johnny Damon, 39, apparently would love a chance to play for the Yankees again in the wake of the injury to Curtis Granderson. To fit in with the rest of their team, New York, however, is presumably looking for someone with more experience.

Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.

Is “the Bachelor” contractually obligated to say “this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life” a certain number of times per show?

The Bachelor talks about falling in love with two women who he can both see becoming his wife. Wonder how many calls Sean will get from people offering to convert him to Mormonism.

Oops, John Kerry said today in a speech about the State Dept that they support democratic institutions in Kyrzakhstan…” Wonder who in the GOP will be the first to say “More party politics, what about Republican institutions in Kyrzakhstan?”

A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.

Manti Te’o’s 40-yd dash time today at the NFL combine was 4.82 seconds, 20th out of 26 linebackers. At this point, forget the imaginary girlfriend, Teo’s looking like an imaginary first-round pick.

The government of Iceland is planning to ban print and online pornography. Some citizens are upset – they’re called “men.”

Sorry, when a company has you on hold for over half an hour and they are telling you “your business is EXTREMELY important to us,” what they should be saying “your business is not nearly as important to us as keeping costs down by not hiring enough people to answer our phones.”

Rough month for the Vatican. Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien has resigned before the papal conclave, after 3 priests and a former priest alleged he tried to seduce them. Could be worse. At least the allegations involve adults.

Soy what?

January 28, 2013

Okay, you read some crazy things Super Bowl week. But nothing will probably top this opening paragraph: ” Former SF 49ers and Oakland Raiders offensive tackle Kwame Harris will appear in San Mateo County Superior Court today on charges he assaulted his former boyfriend at a Menlo Park restaurant during an argument over soy sauce and underwear.

In San Francisco the most common reaction has to be “He’s gay? Who cares?” But really, fighting over soy sauce? Now truffle oil or balsamic vinegar, maybe….”

The best thing about being only a week away from the Super Bowl… It means we’re only about two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting.

Miss Alabama, Katherine Webb, has now been chosen by “Inside Edition” to cover the Super Bowl. Wonder how many other beauty queens are sending their pictures to Brent Musberger.

Not typos. The Stanford women beat Cal in rugby 38-0 last weekend, then the Stanford men went out and lost to Cal 176-0. Uh, maybe the men and women should have switched opponents to make the matches more competitive.

Boston’s Rajon Rondo will miss the rest of the season with an torn ACL. Which means the Celtics may well meet the Lakers in the playoffs again, on a nice couch somewhere.

New Jets GM John Idzik said today “I feel comfortable with Mark (Sanchez) being a Jet.” Great, so does the rest of the AFC East.

The Miami Heat visited the White House today. Wonder if Lebron asked also for a visit to the Capitol. Congress might be the only group that makes James’ decision making look good.

How to explain the appeal of “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” to otherwise sane people? When you spend a couple of hours watching these idiots your nearest and dearest look a lot better by comparison.

Okay, is there some rule that says on every one of these Bachelor seasons some contestant has to freak out with some variation of “you’re with these other girls and it hurts?” Waiting for a Bachelor to respond “You’ve seen the show, what the bleep did you expect?”

Conservative multimillionaire Foster Friess spent heavily to back Rick Santorum’s 2012 presidential campaign. and says he will do it again in 2016. And they say Democrats waste money.

It’s just been reported that SF 49ers QB Alex Smith will ask for his release. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

In response to complaints from the Center for Science in the Public Interest, Taco Bell pulled ads for their taco 12-pack, which said that bringing a vegetable tray is “like punting on 4th and 1, It’s a cop-out and secretly, people kind of hate you for it.”

Right,  because one reason people look forward all year to the Super Bowl is for an afternoon of healthy eating.

From Jim Barach – “Rabbits are causing problems at Denver International Airport by chewing on the wires of cars in the parking lots. Airport officials say those rabbits shouldn’t even be there. They belong at O’Hare.”

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Scumbags, scumbags, we got scumbags.

March 22, 2011

 When Good Morning America co-anchor Robin Roberts kept asking Chris Brown about his guilty plea for assaulting girlfriend Rihanna, Brown smashed a window and stormed out of the studio. Yeah, that ought to convince America he’s learned to keep his temper under control.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell was quoted as saying “We have not had any discussions or consideration of replacement players.”  Or at least none in a room that wasn’t swept clean of potential bugs or other electronic recording devices first.

So if the league does offer jobs to players who aren’t really NFL material, does that mean Carolina Panthers players will be eligible.

The Bachelor, Brad Womack, was not taken to a hospital as first reported. It turns out he actually called 911 from an Austin park when he found a stranger in need of medical attention. This, however, did not prevent Brad from talking to the 911 operator for an hour about his feelings.

The defense Barry Bonds is using in this trial is that he realizes now he used steroids, but really believed his trainer’s telling him that he was taking flaxseed oil and arthritis cream. Hey, this defense would work if he were a college athlete in the SEC.

The latest Fox News controversy has to do with an admitted “error” by the network in their story about the Libyan government using Western journalists as human shields.  With all the “Faux” news stories they’ve had lately, it’s a wonder Fox hasn’t found someone to manufacture a fake Kenyan birth certificate.

Lawrence Taylor was sentenced to six years probation and forced to register as a sex offender for his “encounter” with an underage prostitute who said she was 19.  But the girl, speaking through Gloria Allred, now says Taylor should have known she was underage and should go to jail.

LT seems like a scumbag, and he’s being punished for it, but Gloria Allred gives women lawyers a bad name. 

(The only woman’ whose best interests she really has at heart is Gloria Allred.)

Dennis Kucinich now says that President Obama’s taking part in the European coalition’s attack against Qaddafi was an “impeachable offense.”   How’d we all like to be flies on the wall at Sarah Palin’s “war room” while they figure out a response to THAT statement?

And now Rand Paul may be jumping into the 2012 Presidential race.  Paul, Kucunich, Bachman, Palin…. For political junkies of a certain age, or those who just like political history, Pat Paulson is retrospectively looking more and more like a legitimate candidate.

Back to reality…

March 2, 2010

As many Americans on the west coast in particularly made it into work Monday after their regularly schedule time, and told their bosses… “I’m not late, I’m just tape delayed.”


The gold medal hockey game between the U.S. and Canada was the most watched television event in Canada ever. In the U.S. it was the most watched television event, of the week, until the final episode tonight of this season’s “The Bachelor.”


Monday night, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show at 1135p. Of course, most west coast viewers thought it was just the 10pm Jay Leno show being tape delayed.


Apparently Simon Cowell of American Idol is in love and getting married. Really? I wonder what state has passed a law allowing a man to marry himself?


A significant percentage of Americans now get their news from Facebook. Which might explain why a lot of them think that Obama has a farm with several lost lambs at the White House and that Dick Cheney is a master at Mafia Wars.


The Vancouver Health Department says they gave out over 100,000 condoms during the games. Which is a good thing from a health standpoint. On another level, weren’t these athletes exactly the sort of people the world WANTS to meet and reproduce?

Former President Bill Clinton apparently called Tiger Woods recently to pledge his support. Including an offer, if Woods was feeling tempted, to be the caretaker of his rolodex.


A recent physicial showed that Barack Obama is in excellent shape, except for slightly high cholesterol, and his inability to completely give up cigarettes. On the other hand, countless Americans are relieved at the concept of a President who is doing nothing more with tobacco products except smoking them.

Darwin award nominee of the Month – (yes, this is tacky.)

Authorities believe a Washington man was killed, after he escaped injury in a single-car accident, by urinating on power lines the accident had downed. Talk about dying to take a leak.