Posted tagged ‘john kerry jokes’

Blind squirrel nut day.

April 10, 2014

I admit, I was wrong. Never thought any of the Kardashian clan would ever say anything intelligent. But I give you Kris Jenner, when asked about rumors that she would pose for Playboy – “Oh my god, no! I don’t think anyone wants to see me without any clothes on.”

 

The NY Post reports that Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t want to publicly split from Chris Martin, preferring that they stay in a “pretend marriage.” If true, who does she think she is? Tom Cruise?

 

The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick is reportedly being investigated for sexual assault in Miami. No charges have been filed at this point. But wouldn’t you think with all the money these guys make they’d be smart enough to stick with professional working girls?

 

 

SF 49ers hoping sexual assault charges will not be filed against Colin Kaepernick. Still, once again this illustrates the danger of having openly heterosexual men play football.

 

In a new interview, Jimmy Carter praised John Kerry but criticized President Obama and Hillary Clinton over their handling of Middle East peace negotiations. And over at FOX as they try to figure out how to say “Carter is right,” heads are no doubt exploding.

A new report indicates that the CIA used Red Hot Chili Peppers’ songs to torture terrorism suspects. Well, guess they couldn’t use “It’s a Small World,” because that would have been a violation of the Geneva convention.

NY Giants QB Eli Manning will have arthroscopic surgery on his left ankle today. But the team hopes he will be recovered and ready to throw interceptions in minicamp.

Paul Goldschmidt v. Tim Lincecum lifetime 7 HR, 17 RBI in 24 ABs. If he ever throws him a strike again test Timmy for marijuana #SFGiants .

 

Jay Leno might be thinking he got out of the Tonight Show just in time. #Colbert #Letterman

 

John Calipari has a new book coming out with reform suggestions for college basketball. Amongst other things he believes players should be paid a stipend between $3,000 to $5,000, get one free roundtrip flight home a year, and be able to accept loans up to $50,000 against future earnings. Because these days kids on his team are really struggling during those six months of college.

The lawyer for the young man accused of stabbing 20 people at a school near Pittsburgh says the kid’s family is “like the Brady Bunch.” Uh, yeah, except for that show a violent episode was Marcia’s broken nose.

 

NY Giants QB Eli Manning will have arthroscopic surgery on his left ankle today. But the team hopes he will be recovered and ready to throw interceptions in minicamp.

 

 

 

Mike Huckabee says he’s not “homophobic but” he’s “on the right side of the bible., and unless God rewrites it, edits it, sends it down with his signature on it, it’s not my book to change.” Okay, so Huckabee’s good with all that rape, slavery, torture, incest and infanticide stuff too?

 

Kathleen Sibelius is resigning as Secretary of HHS. Republicans cannot wait for Obama to appoint her replacement so they can explain why he or she is the wrong choice.

Old boys of summer.

February 26, 2013

Johnny Damon, 39, apparently would love a chance to play for the Yankees again in the wake of the injury to Curtis Granderson. To fit in with the rest of their team, New York, however, is presumably looking for someone with more experience.

Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.

Is “the Bachelor” contractually obligated to say “this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life” a certain number of times per show?

The Bachelor talks about falling in love with two women who he can both see becoming his wife. Wonder how many calls Sean will get from people offering to convert him to Mormonism.

Oops, John Kerry said today in a speech about the State Dept that they support democratic institutions in Kyrzakhstan…” Wonder who in the GOP will be the first to say “More party politics, what about Republican institutions in Kyrzakhstan?”

A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.

Manti Te’o’s 40-yd dash time today at the NFL combine was 4.82 seconds, 20th out of 26 linebackers. At this point, forget the imaginary girlfriend, Teo’s looking like an imaginary first-round pick.

The government of Iceland is planning to ban print and online pornography. Some citizens are upset – they’re called “men.”

Sorry, when a company has you on hold for over half an hour and they are telling you “your business is EXTREMELY important to us,” what they should be saying “your business is not nearly as important to us as keeping costs down by not hiring enough people to answer our phones.”

Rough month for the Vatican. Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien has resigned before the papal conclave, after 3 priests and a former priest alleged he tried to seduce them. Could be worse. At least the allegations involve adults.