Posted tagged ‘Huckabee jokes’

Artificial intelligence.

September 23, 2015

Martin Shkreli, who announced plans to raise the price of an AIDS drug from $13,50 to $750 a pill, is CEO of Turing Technologies.  Not sure how he named the company, but oddly enough, the “Turing test” is a test of a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligent behavior equivalent to, or indistinguishable from, that of a human.

Shkreli failed.

The CEO of Volkswagen has resigned. Guessing soon he’ll have the rare opportunity to be making license plates for his own cars.

A DC man has started a Change.org petition “Dear Pope Francis. Our Metro system is having some troubles. All of DC would be grateful if you could find the time to bless it during your upcoming stay. Maybe a Papal Blessing is just what it needs.”

Hmm, any chance he could also have the Pope bless Congress?

The Blue Jays won tonight to push their AL East lead over the Yankees to 3.5 game. So how long until some GOP candidate blames a potential Toronto win on Obama’s failure to maintain American supremacy?

Anne Hathaway says now that it was hard to be taken seriously as an actress after “The Princess Diaries.” Just thinking she’s not going to get too much sympathy from her co-star Julie Andrews.

Donald Trump says Fox News has been treating him “very unfairly”, and he’s done appearing on Fox News shows for the “foreseeable future.” Well, to be fair, the Donald is really a better fit for Comedy Central.

Mike Huckabee said today that President Obama is just “pretending to be a Christian. I’m thinking at this point that Huckabee is just pretending to be a plausible human being.

Now it’s ‪#‎Adrianza‬ who joins ‪#‎Belt‬ and ‪#‎Aoki‬ on the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ concussion list. Who expected ‪#‎Giants‬ to have more concussions than ‪#‎49ers‬?

Well, at this point if the ‪#‎SFGIants‬ ended up in the post season they probably couldn’t field a healthy 25 man roster.

The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Board of Supervisors is about to pass an ordinance that would make “strict enforcement of stop signs for cyclists the lowest priority for the SFPD”
And many cyclists in San Francisco are thinking “What stop signs?”

QB Colin Kaepernick, praising new SF coach Tomsula, says that this year is “a comfort zone for me. It’s a situation where I’m not being asked to do things outside of my character.”
Because Jim is a nice guy, or because the 49ers have designs on drafting high enough to get Jared Goff?

A terminal in Amsterdam’s Schiphol airport was evacuated over what turned out to be an iPhone in a gun shaped case. Not sure what the owner of the phone will be charged with, but assume included will be felony criminal stupidity.

R.I.P Yogi Berra. Nobody goes to heaven anymore, it’s too crowded.

Another sad thing for some about the death of ‪#‎YogiBerra‬. We can probably retire the phrase “Beloved ‪#‎Yankee‬.”

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When all else fails, RTDT – read the damn thing.

September 22, 2015

Mike Huckabee’s latest complaint – “there are people who vote and they have no idea what our Constitution says.”
With all due respect, Mr. Huckabee, there are people who run for office and they have no idea what our Constitution says.” ‪#‎nottheOnion‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Got to love it, ESPN figures the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ have 0.1% probability of making the post season this year. “So you are saying there’s a chance?”

The #NYJets are 2-0. If their hot start continues with Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB do they vote former Jet IK Enemkpali a playoff share? (for those who might have forgotten, or who didn’t care, Enemkpali, now with the Bills, is the guy who broke his then quarterback/ teammate, Geno Smith’s jaw with a punch.)
An Auburn football fan called into an Alabama sports talk show and said she won’t let her husband into the bedroom until the Tigers win.. Men whose wives and girlfriends root for the Philadelphia Eagles hope those women don’t see this.

The NY Post is reporting on a woman who not only fasts on Yom Kippur, she also makes her two dogs fast too. It works out fine, except that every year they need to buy another cat.

Some say Marco Rubio might benefit from Scott Walker’s exiting the 2016 Presidential race. Is that because for those paying only casual attention the two look sort of alike?

Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli, who said he was raising the price for AIDS drug Daraprim from $13.50 a pill to $750, now says public backlash will mean he will lower the price. What, to $749?

The Lammily line of dolls now offers a ‘Period Party’ Accessory Pac,” which includes pads, underwear and a period calendar.. The idea is to help girls understand that menstruation is a normal part of of growing up.
Can only imagine what a similar line of dolls for boys might include.

The CEO of Japanese company Rakuten has changed his executive offsite retreat to climbing Mount Tanigawa every year, a Japanese mountain that has claimed over 800 lives since it was first explored in the 1930s, about 600 more than Everest.
Well, that’s one way to avoid soaring pension costs.

Carly Fiorina, facing many accusations of completely making up her worst allegations about the Planned Parenthood video, said she was told “that the tapes don’t exist, that the images aren’t real. Well yes, ladies and gentlemen, they are real and I will issue my charge again.”
You would think that someone who bases a large part of her campaign on the purported dishonesty of Hillary Clinton would consider doing the simple thing – and just release these “real” tapes.

Kim Davis says she is ready to return to jail over her beliefs. Forget jail, when is the next Rowan County election? So we can replace Davis with someone who actually wants to do her job. ‪#‎your15minutesareup‬

Liberal rant time. Some in the GOP are accusing those of us who don’t want the country run by biblical rules of being anti-religion. Nope, it’s actually quite simple: Doesn’t matter what religion you are, just don’t foist your beliefs on the entire country.

Sinister thoughts

September 21, 2015

In an Oklahoma school, a pre-K student was allegedly forced to write with his right hand and sent home with a note about the “evil” of being left-handed. Waiting for Mike Huckabee or someone to make this about Christianity and religious freedom.

Mike Huckabee and some other conservatives ARE upset that, among the 15,000 people Obama has invited to an event for Pope Francis, are a handful of LGBT Catholics and even pro-choice Catholics.

You know who isn’t upset about their inclusion? The Pope.

A tourist died and another broke his leg when they fell down a staircase taking selfies at the Taj Mahal. If Darwin were alive he might have to revise his book to add a whole chapter on selfie-sticks.

If we could just create a combination gun and selfie-stick, we could cull the herd a lot faster.

Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. So bad news, Wisconsin, for the next few years you’re stuck with him.

When the Seahawks beat the Packers in the 2015 NFC Championship, Russell WIlson credited God. And Aaron Rodgers said he didn’t think God “cares a whole lot about the outcome.” But after last night’s Packers win, Rodgers said ” I think God was a Packers fan tonight, so he was taking care of us.”
You never know.. Hey, maybe Jesus had money on Green Bay.

Scott Walker said Monday he was “called” to drop out of the race. And God said “Wasn’t me, I was watching the Packers-Seahawks.”

A Georgia peanut executive was sentenced to 28 years in prison today for knowingly shipping salmonella-tainted peanut butter, which resulted in hundreds of people getting sick, and at least nine deaths. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate just to sentence him to eating his own peanut butter.

SNL‬ has picked  Taran Killi‪am to play ‪Donald Trump. But who’s going to play that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head?

After a Vikings fan was beaten after the first game at Levi’s, two Santa Clara City Council members have suggested that the city ban alcohol from the stadium. And 49ers fans are screaming, “Ban booze? Did you see the team against the Steelers, how else are we going to get through the rest of the season?”

Both Ted Cruz AND Hillary Clinton rebuked Ben Carson’s comment on a Muslim president by invoking the Constitution

So Clinton and Cruz agree. Now which of them will be the first to have a campaign event with flying pigs?

And here, for Dr. Ben Carson, since civics was clearly not required for your medical school education. The U.S. Constitution, Article VI: “The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States.”

Bus to Hell time:  Monday, Sept 21 is World Alzheimer’s Day. Awful disease, but at least you can use the same greeting card every year.

The NFL keeps talking about wanting to reduce injuries. Here’s a simple way to cut them down drastically: Any player who receives a penalty for a play that injures another has to sit until that injured player returns. Up to and including missing the rest of the season.

Rainbow warriors

June 27, 2015

The SF Giants posted this temporary change in their logo today.  Clearly not aiming to have more games televised this season on Fox.

 

 

rainbow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think some of these GOP Presidential candidates might be thinking carefully about going off on the Supreme Court today. They never know when they might need ‪#‎SCOTUS‬ to deliver them an election.

Scott Walker is upset about today’s Supreme Court gay marriage decision, lambasting “five unelected judges.” Right, it’s “five unelected judges,” when he doesn’t like the decision, and “defenders of our freedom” for things like Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.

 

Mike Huckabee “The Supreme Court can no more repeal the laws of nature and nature’s God on marriage than it can the law of gravity.” – Wait a minute, Huckabee believes in gravity?

 

So trying to think how this gay marriage decision really can hurt any heterosexual couples. Well, except for those procrastinators who were interested in planning last minute summer weddings at popular venues. ‪#‎competition‬

The latest public figure comment on the Confederate flag “I think it’s offensive to an entire race. It does nothing for anybody to be there flying, so I don’t see any reason. It belongs in the history books and that’s about it.”- Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Forget governors and senators, now we’re talking a man Southerners really respect.

Anheuser-Busch lost a class-action lawsuit over Beck’s beer, and will have to pay customers up to $50 each. The company allegedly tricked customers into paying more for an actual import beer, because the Beck’s label says “originated in Bremen, Germany,” and only in the small print does it say brewed in the US.

Wonder how much Anheuser-Busch will have to pay when some one sues them for selling Bud Light as actual beer.

Donald Trump will finally report for jury duty in August, after being fined for ignoring five summonses in nine years. Only the little people serve on juries?

A a news conference, Philadelphia Phillies’ manager, Ryne Sandberg announced he is resigning and leaving the team. And Phillies’ season ticket holders are thinking “you can do that?”

 

From T.C.  Ballot stuffing has resulted in 8 Kansas City starters voted onto the AL All Star team. As the winner of the event gets World Series home games advantage, wouldn’t it be wiser for KC fans to vote in the entire Phillies team instead?

 

Scott Walker on Wednesday signed two bills, one eliminating a 48 hour waiting period for buying a gun, allowing off-duty or retired police officers to carry concealed weapons at public schools.

Alas, while Google now allows you “un-send” an email sent in anger, they haven’t figured out how to “un-fire” a bullet.

And guess Walker never heard, for one example, of the retired officer in Florida who shot and killed a man for texting in the theater?

The ice have it

June 2, 2015

The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa.   Scalpers should have a field day.  If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.

Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca.  But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning,  most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”

Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.

 

June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?

As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.

So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? ‪#‎Blatter‬

 

Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?

Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.

Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”

Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”

An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.

So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?

Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.

 

 

Denial is now a river in New England?

January 23, 2015

Bill Belichick. “I have no explanation for what happened… I was shocked to learn of the footballs on Monday.” I presume the Patriots coach was also shocked to hear that there is gambling in Casablanca?

 

 

More from Belichick’s press conference. “Tom’s personal preferences on his footballs are something that he can talk about in much better detail and information than I could possibly provide,” Someone want to pass this quote on to Giselle?

 

 

Tom Brady – – “I wouldn’t do anything to break the rules.” Giselle – “My husband cannot f–king throw the ball and deflate it at the same time.”

 

 

So much denial out of New England. Hmm. Overheard last weekend in the Patriots’ locker room by coaches and players holding footballs “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome air?”

First a missing elevator video, now a micro-manager of a coach who didn’t realize his team was cheating, again. Just wondering, since when did Roger Goodell decide that ignorance is only no excuse in New Orleans.

So can we make sure all the Pro Bowl footballs are deflated? Since it’s an exhibition game, it would be fun to see Luck and Brees combine to throw for  20-30 touchdowns.

 

Meanwhile, back in the NFC, the NFL has fined Marshawn Lynch $20,000 for the grabbing his crotch after scoring a TD in the Seahawks win over Green Bay. And then presumably the league will fine the Seattle RB another $50,000 for refusing to comment on the incident.

Starbucks reported a 16% jump in quarterly profit today. Makes sense, interest rates are still low enough that consumers can get inexpensive loans to buy their coffee.

How much more does this Disneyland measles outbreak have to spread before people start clamoring for President Obama to figure out a way to prevent the disease?

House GOP leaders pulled a very restrictive anti-abortion bill from the floor after reports that several women Republican congressmen were going to vote against it. Presumably their next step, looking into what it would take to repeal the 19th amendment.

Mike Huckabee, talking about how states could resist a Supreme Court decision upholding gay marriage: “Do we really surrender the entire American system of government to five people, unelected, appointed for life, with no consequences for the decisions they make? The founders never intended for there to be such incredible, almost unlimited power, put in the hands of so few people.”

Uh, wonder what President Al Gore thinks of this statement?

 

 

As negative as this ‪#‎DeflateGate‬ coverage is ‪#‎RichardSherman‬ still probably stewing over fact that he’s out of the headlines. ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

 

 

From Marc Ragovin. “I hear the Patriots’ Super Bowl fight song is gonna be “Under Pressure.”

Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah, 91, has died. The scary thing…. he’s supposed to have made the country more modern and reasonable. ‪#‎howcouldyoutell‬

A 50-year-old Irish grandmother received no jail time when she pleaded guilty to possession of a small amount of cocaine at a Cork bingo hall. Apparently police first became suspicious when they heard her yelling “BINGO” from the next county.

 

Email ad today for the Westminster Kennel show “See your favorite dogs for this February only $30.” Of course New York bargain hunters can wait six weeks and get cheap seats for the Mets.

The danger zone?

January 13, 2015

In D.C. one woman has died, two are in critical condition, and 81 others were injured when smoke filled a DC Metro station. And apparently this was caused by an electrical fault. Who needs terrorists when we have an aging and underfunded infrastructure?

 

 

Well, now that the Oregon-Ohio State game is over, we don’t have to see ESPN’s silly countdown clock to the National Championship.  ESPN’s countdown clock to the Super Bowl no doubt starts tomorrow.

When asked if he would ever consider moving to the NFL, Urban Meyer said, “Not right now. I’ve got a commitment to Ohio State.” Translation, ‘no ones offered me enough money, and none of my players here have yet been arrested for a felony.”

Caradle Jones, the third-string QB who led OSU to the National Championship, when asked about leaving early for the NFL – “In my personal opinion, I’m not ready for that level yet.” Well, maybe, but Jones might be at least ready for the level of the Jets.

Apparently Urban Meyer promised his team if they won the national championship he’d get a tattoo. And unlike his players, the OSU coach won’t get in trouble if he doesn’t pay for it.

Stay classy, Texas congressman Randy Weber tweeted, “Even Adolph Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.) Obama couldn’t do it for right reasons.” Just guessing Rep. Weber, who crusades against gay marriage and immigration, “our traditional family values are under attack,” isn’t even likely to pick up a copy of Charlie Hebdo.

 

Mike Huckabee criticizes the Obamas in an interview with PEOPLE magazine because they “on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful,” but they let their daughters listen to Beyonce. Yep, clearly a major lapse in parental judgment, and the President and First Lady might even let the girls read stuff like PEOPLE magazine.

 

 

Jason Garrett signed a new five year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. The deal was based on Garrett’s loyalty, success on the field, and ability to tolerate Jerry Jones.

Dianne Feinstein says the Justice Dept erred in recommending charges against General Petraeus over him giving his mistress access to some classified government documents. “It’s done, it’s over. He’s retired. He’s lost his job. How much does government want.” Besides, Petraeus probably didn’t leak as much as any two-bit college hacker can find in a day.

Rep. Randy Weber has apologized for his recent tweet, saying it “It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler.” Considering the way that the Texas GOP demonizes Obama was Weber apologizing to the President or to Hitler?

 

 

Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach County because he says the airport is deliberately routing flights over his mansion – and causing “excessive, unreasonable, unwarranted and uninvited noise. The alleged motivation? Revenge for Trump’s blocking the airport expansion in the 1990s.

Well, if they weren’t doing it on purpose before, no doubt the airport director appreciates the idea.

United Airlines has warned 2,000 workers that they may outsource gate agents and baggage handlers at 28 non-hub airports.. So you think their customer service is bad now? Cheer up, it may get worse.