Posted tagged ‘gun jokes’

Midsummer almost-classic?

July 12, 2016

Tonight was David Ortiz’s last All-Star game as Big Papi is retiring. The Red Sox slugger could become even more beloved if he takes Joe Buck with him.

 

NL loses ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ again, along with home field advantage for ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, after stranding 10. Clearly ‪#‎Madbum‬ should have pinch hit.

Just thinking ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ may be regretting how well he bonded with his ‪#‎KCRoyals‬ teammates last year. ‪#‎AllStarGame‬

Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez said  tonight he’d groove fastballs to David Ortiz in All-Star Game because “I want to see him hit a home run.”
Well, not like the game means anything… other than home field advantage in the World Series. ‪#‎SMH‬

Tim Duncan skipped his own retirement news conference today. But no doubt Kobe Bryant will soon call a press conference to discuss how it felt for him to play with Duncan.

So now the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. has had to ask PokemonGO players to stop playing the game – in their museum. Maybe some of these idiots should be playing it instead in traffic.

 

Another Tesla autopilot crash this weekend, this time nonfatal. The driver apparently reported that he did not have his hands on the wheel, and he did not hear warnings. But the car’s warnings are in English and he speaks Mandarin.
Beginning to think these cars should come with copies of the latest Darwin awards.

The Black Panther Party says they are going to protest at the GOP convention, and “if it is an open state to carry we will exercise our Second Amendment rights because there are other groups threatening to be there that are threatening to do harm to us.”
Can’t wait for the NRA’s defense of gun rights on this one.

#‎BernieSanders‬ today “I have come here today not to talk about the past…” Who wrote his speech, Mark McGwire?

A man identified only as “John Doe 150” said when he was 14 he told Joe Paterno about abuse by Jerry Sandusky and that the Penn State coach responded “‘I don’t want to hear about any of that kind of stuff, I have a football season to worry about?'”
Would be less awful if that hasn’t been the response of big-time college football and the NFL to most off-field issues..

Fox News has suspended Newt Gingrich’s contract. “Due to the intense media speculation about Gingrich’s potential selection as Donald Trump’s V.P candidate, we felt it best to half his contributor role on the network to avoid all conflicts of interest that may arise.”

But until now, Newt has been “fair and balanced?” ‪#‎SMH‬

In Florida a woman was taken to the hospital for evaluation after she drove into a house and told police she was praying with her eyes closed. This is not I think what Carrie Underwood meant with ‪#‎Jesustakethewheel‬.

#‎BernieSanders‬ didn’t exactly look thrilled to be on stage today with ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ Maybe he and ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ can form a support group.

Donald Trump, upset about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s negative comments about him, says she should leave the bench “as soon as possible.” Uh, if the Donald thinks Elizabeth Warren is aggravating wait until he starts really jousting with Notorious RBG. ‪#‎passthepopcorn‬

 

 

Donald Trump on RBG “I think it’s highly inappropriate that a United States Supreme Court judge gets involved in a political campaign, frankly.” Right, they should wait until after the vote and then determine the result.

 

 

 

During a memorial for the slain Dallas police offices, which was also attended by George W. and Laura Bush, President Obama stated at one point ‘We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a Glock than to get his hands on a computer.’

Obama was criticized by many conservative for being political. But none of them said he was wrong.

(maybe the President should have said, any teenager with a gun who wants a computer could easily steal one?)

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For better, for worse, or for trade-in?

May 19, 2016

It’s a strange world when the U.S. Presidential candidate who has been married three times and had countless affairs is attacking the marriage of the one who has been with the same spouse for 41 years.

Evil thought for the night, when is someone going to ask Trump if he’s been faithful to Melania?

 

Two people are recovering in Augusta, Kansas, after a shooting during a high school graduation.  The “shooter” had his gun in his sock, it apparently went off accidentally when he was adjusting the weapon because it was uncomfortable. ‪#‎ifonlythestudentswerearmed‬

Just think, had their offers been accepted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ could have both ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ & ‪#‎ZackGreinke‬ on this year’s payroll.

After two complete games back to back for the SF Giants pitching staff, Jeff Samardzija goes 8 innings allowing only 1 earned run. Wimp.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ bullpen pitchers are a competitive group. So no doubt they are keeping focused – wonder who’s the current Angry Birds champion?

Two SF Giants, Lopez and Span, will be serving as baristas for an hour at two Peet’s coffee locations in San Francisco on June 7. Of course, this being the high-tech community no doubt some customers will only wonder “how fast can they serve coffee?

When the Braves fired manager Fredi Gonzalez, he found out about it mid-road trip, via an email saying he had a flight back to Atlanta the next day. Sounds like the team handled the firing about as well as they’ve handled everything else this season.

A new poll found that 90% of Native Americans aren’t offended by the Washington Redskins’ nickname. 90% of Washingtonians, however, are offended by the team’s sh*tty play.

‪#‎MorleySafer‬ 84, has died. Sad. He only lasted about 60 minutes after retirement.

 

Donald Trump will use lawyer A.B. Culvahouse Jr to vet his V.P. picks, the same lawyer who vetted options for John McCain in 2008. And that worked out so well….

Donald Trump, quick to condemn the Egypt Air crash as another terrorist attack. Seems likely. But “airplane departed from Paris. When will we get tough, smart and vigilant?”
So now Trump is going to tell these other countries he insults how to run their security?

A lawsuit claims that Facebook illegally scans private messages for marketing purposes. And this is news how? ‪#‎therearenoprivatemessages‬

The Oklahoma legislature has passed that would make performing an abortion, except to save the life of the mother, a felony.
Well, at least the way the Thunder played last night doesn’t look like sports fans will have to worry much longer about spending money in the state this spring.

Well, it’s good to see Marco Rubio back working hard in the Senate. The Florida Legislature wants a new statue, replacing one of a Confederate Army general, at the U.S. Capitol building. And Rubio tweeted out ““Here’s suggestion for ‪#‎Florida‬ which looking 4 help replacing state statue in U.S. Capitol.” With a picture of Tim Tebow. ‪#‎priorities‬

From T.C.  “Texas second baseman Rougned Odor was handed an eight game suspension for his part in the brawl vs the Blue Jays. This will give him enough time to sign an endorsement contract with Hawaiian Punch.

Not to be outdone, look for Jose Baustista to sign a contract with Odor Eaters.”

Shoot out at the OK preschool?

March 10, 2016

The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.

 

 

Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.

In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”

Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? ‪#‎boring‬

A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”

(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)

A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down.  While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.

Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.

Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.

In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.

 

The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.

OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.

 

 

Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. ‪#‎lookingbetterbycomparison‬

Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?

 –

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?

Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.

Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?

 

Is this year’s ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?

Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?

Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”

As a final change today  from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, ‪#‎canweborrowhim‬?

Spurred on?

February 19, 2016

#‎Spurs‬ 119 ‪#‎Lakers‬ 113. Kobe Bryant 25 points, Tim Duncan double-double. Another great battle for the aged.

And here I thought the ‪#‎Spurs‬ looked rusty after the All Star Break. ‪#‎Warriors‬

The Texas Rangers will host an event this weekend where fans who hit a home run at the ballpark can win season tickets. The Atlanta Braves reportedly will have a scout at the event to offer the winning fan a contract.

Former ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬ and ‪#‎SFGiants‬ infielder ‪#‎JuanUribe‬ has signed with the ‪#‎Indians‬. Guess he got tired of all that playoff pressure.

Jonathan Papelbon has publicly apologized for choking Bryce Harper. Since Dusty Baker is the new Nationals manager, have to wonder if starting the season in long relief was a possible alternative.

Serious post for a change – R.I.P. former SF Giants player and manger Jim Davenport, 82, and former Oakland A’s infielder Tony Phillips, 56. 82 is sad, 56 is way way way too young.

Okay, a well-publicized story about a Detroit woman giving birth to her 14th child from 14 different fathers turns out to be fake. We should have known better, she wasn’t also the first woman to play in the NFL.

Harper Lee has passed away at the age of 89. Hope it wasn’t all those reviews of “Go Set a Watchman” that killed her.

Because of a flight delay, Chinese airline Hainan put two women, who didn’t know each other, up in a hotel near the airport. They ended up with an “erotic” room with whips, chains etc. Men are reading this and thinking “Just another way in which U.S. airlines lag foreign carriers.”

Apparently the U.S. no-fly list may have resulted in security problems and boarding delays for many Canadian children who have similar names to those on the list, even on flights within Canada. So assume their response is ‪#‎BlameAmerica‬

The University of Texas has announced that they will soon allow students to carry handguns on campus. Well, since most students are under 21, fortunately there’s no chance any of them will be able to drink while they carry. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

 

 

Robert Jeffress, pastor of the First Baptist Dallas church, says of Pope Francis’s comments about Christians not building walls: “The pope needs to ask for Donald Trump’s forgiveness for sing such an outlandish thing,” Once again, this is putting a whole new meaning on ‪#‎Jesuswept‬

#‎youcantmakethisstuffup‬ Donald Trump has tweeted out a call for a boycott of Apple until the company agrees to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s phone. He sent the tweet on his iPhone.

 

More of this “stuff” you can’t make up. Marco Rubio now says on “day one” of his presidency, he will stop protecting “Dreamers,” (undocumented immigrants who came to the U.S as children) from deportation. Great way to pay it forward for someone who was himself an anchor baby.

Sen. Ted Cruz, with the latest rationale for not holding Senate hearings for whoever Obama nominates to the Supreme Court. “I think that hearing would end up very politicized. And I don’t think it would be fair to the nominee.”
George Orwell would be SO proud.

Saw this trending on FB: “Jaimie Alexander and Peter Facinelli: Couple Ends Their Engagement, Representatives Say.” Anyone but me going “Who?”

Stalled.

August 27, 2015

A new study found that Washington, D.C. has the worst traffic in the entire U.S. Wonder if that counts the gridlock inside the Capitol building?

Facebook on Monday had one billion users in a single day. Wow. That’s means at least 500 million cat pictures.

In Texas, the Health and Human Services Commission announced they are going ahead with $100 million in cuts to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Three words: Pro-life my ass.

More on the Texas upcoming $100 million cut to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Do they figure at least these kids will grow up in into adults with the right to be armed?

In the Little League World Series, California scored 3 runs in the top of the 1st, Texas had a grand slam in the bottom of the inning. And every current and former Little League parent just sighs, nods, and thinks “out of pitching.” ‪#‎thosewerethedays‬

So I think I’ve figured it out; the way for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to beat the ‪#‎ChicagoCubs‬ was to put half their team on the disabled list.

Okay, how adorable is SF Giants rookie Kelby Tomlinson? The kid looks like he could play a teenage Clark Kent. Got his 1st MLB home run and it was a grand slam: “It was pretty crazy. Everybody got up and started clapping for me. I’d never experienced anything like that. It’s pretty special.”

Madison Bumgarner, 6 innings, 1 ER, 12Ks. Oh yeah, and one infield hit. Guess which he’s going to want to talk about? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

United Airlines sent out an email to its Mileage Plus members. 50,000 bonus miles when you purchase or lease a new Mercedes S-class sedan. Uh, thinking if you can afford a Mercedes, you can probably afford not to care about frequent flier miles.

Steelers WR Martavis Bryant has been suspended 4 games by the NFL for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. And Pittsburgh fans are thinking “Well, at least he didn’t rape anyone or kill any dogs.

Going back to August 14, the Cincinnati Reds have won exactly ONE game, and that an August 24 make-up game from a rain out against Detroit. 1-12. If they’re going to give up on the season maybe they should offer ticket holders their money back?

From Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying the Phillies are bad, but when they took the field in the top of the first the other day, Manager Pete Mackanin immediately called for a challenge.”

An appeal hearing for Marshawn Lynch over his $75,000 fine for not talking to the media in 2014 has apparently been canceled, What, did Lynch figure out the hearing would actually require talking?

Two women on a JetBlue flight from Jamaica to JFK were arrested after they got into a brawl upon landing involving a razor and pepper spray. So these gals got both a razor and pepper spray on the plane. But I’ll bet security confiscated plenty of bottled water.

Family and other values.

January 10, 2015

In an upcoming book, apparently Mike Huckabee rips Jay Z and Beyonce. When asked about the comments, Jay Z and Beyonce presumably responded “Who’s Mike Huckabee?”

 

 

Dear gawd. Darren Carrington, one of Oregon’s top wide receivers, has been suspended for the national championship because he allegedly failed a drug test. The week before the game. I’m sorry, Carrington didn’t fail a drug test, he passed a stupidity test.

Apparently someone tried to shoplift at a Versace store in Los Angeles, when Jonathan Martin was nearby. The man was “larger than the security guard” but the 49ers’ OT punched him “five to eight times” until he went down. Nice change to see an NFL player make police blotter news for a good reason.

The Wall Street Journal reported that Mitt Romney told a meeting of donors today that he is considering running for the White House again in 2016. So congrats to all those who had Jan 9 in the pool.

A couple was arrested earlier this week for having sex on top of a used-car at a dealership. The car involved was a 2004 Kia Sedona. Just guessing that’s not what Kia had in mind with their slogan “The Power to Surprise.” (And you guessed it, Florida.) ‪#‎stayclassy‬

You can’t make this “stuff” up. Dartmouth has apparently suspended most of 64 students they had charged with cheating. In an ethics class.

Although to be completely accurate, it was a sports ethics class.  So maybe the students WERE demonstrating sports ethics.

Apparently during Bill Cosby’s first show back in Canada a woman got up and he asked where she was going. When she said for a drink, his response was “you have to be careful about drinking around me.” ‪#‎hejustdoesntgetit‬

 

Three people were shot and critically wounded at a suburban Kansas City gun shop. If only the employees had been armed?

With everything going on in France, the number #1 story trending on Facebook Friday am was the Bachelorette breakup. ‪#‎GodblessAmerica‬ ‪#‎priorities‬

The NY Times reports that the Justice Dept is recommending felony charges be filed against former CIA Director David Petraeus for disclosure of classified information to Paula Broadwell, his former mistress and biographer. Well, loose lips may not sink ships, but they sure can sink careers.

 

Drew Brees has been named to the 2015 Pro Bowl. Should be fun for the New Orleans star, getting to throw without any defenders in his face. Sort of like the experience opposing QBs have had all year against the Saints.

From T.C.  “How cold will it be this weekend in Green Bay? It’s so cold that Jerry Jones and Chris Christie will be hugging each other to keep warm right from the National Anthem.

Well, it wasn’t on the warning label….

February 27, 2013

A woman was only slightly injured in Florida after she tried to preheat an oven where her friend had stored a magazine from his Glock. And when the heated magazine exploded. Forget background checks for gun owners, maybe we need to start with IQ tests.

A thought about former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, who just died at the age of 96, was a conservative evangelical Christian. But he supported condoms and sex education in schools to help stop the spread of AIDS. These days some in the GOP would have called for his recall.

Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is in trouble for sending a letter to the Santa Monica and L.A. City Attorneys claiming he is working with the prosecutor to “fix” Lindsay. “Fix Lindsay Lohan?” It would be easier to turn this into a bipartisan session of Congress.

N.J. Gov. Chris Christie today became the eighth GOP Governor who, while decrying Obamacare, decided he would accept the portion that expands Medicaid to more low-income adults in his state. So should we start a pool on who will be ninth?  (Or as my friend Linda asks, “who will be last?”)

Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia says he’s not worried about the apparent 10-15 extra pounds Mike Trout packed on in the offseason. The young man after all is still only about half a Panda.

Miss Delaware Teen USA, who just turned 18, has given up her crown after she was reportedly seen in a sex video. On the brighter side, the precocious young woman could be named an honorary Kardashian.

The California Legislative Women’s Caucus  formally complained Wednesday to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences that Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar hosting “struck a new low in its treatment of women.”    Uh oh, has anyone warned these folks about that “50 Shades” moving coming out?

(And I realize not all my women friends will agree with me here, but come on, Seth MacFarlane, what did they EXPECT?  Especially if any one’s seen “Family Guy.”  Maybe he should have also done a reprise of the SNL skit “D*ck in a box.”)

Another Oscar thought from Alex Kaseberg:  ” The Oscar show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before it was over.”

From my funny friend Jim Barach,  (this one’s for my son, Carey Schwartz.) :   “Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey.”