Posted tagged ‘Christie jokes’

Midsummer almost-classic?

July 12, 2016

Tonight was David Ortiz’s last All-Star game as Big Papi is retiring. The Red Sox slugger could become even more beloved if he takes Joe Buck with him.


NL loses ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ again, along with home field advantage for ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, after stranding 10. Clearly ‪#‎Madbum‬ should have pinch hit.

Just thinking ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ may be regretting how well he bonded with his ‪#‎KCRoyals‬ teammates last year. ‪#‎AllStarGame‬

Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez said  tonight he’d groove fastballs to David Ortiz in All-Star Game because “I want to see him hit a home run.”
Well, not like the game means anything… other than home field advantage in the World Series. ‪#‎SMH‬

Tim Duncan skipped his own retirement news conference today. But no doubt Kobe Bryant will soon call a press conference to discuss how it felt for him to play with Duncan.

So now the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. has had to ask PokemonGO players to stop playing the game – in their museum. Maybe some of these idiots should be playing it instead in traffic.


Another Tesla autopilot crash this weekend, this time nonfatal. The driver apparently reported that he did not have his hands on the wheel, and he did not hear warnings. But the car’s warnings are in English and he speaks Mandarin.
Beginning to think these cars should come with copies of the latest Darwin awards.

The Black Panther Party says they are going to protest at the GOP convention, and “if it is an open state to carry we will exercise our Second Amendment rights because there are other groups threatening to be there that are threatening to do harm to us.”
Can’t wait for the NRA’s defense of gun rights on this one.

#‎BernieSanders‬ today “I have come here today not to talk about the past…” Who wrote his speech, Mark McGwire?

A man identified only as “John Doe 150” said when he was 14 he told Joe Paterno about abuse by Jerry Sandusky and that the Penn State coach responded “‘I don’t want to hear about any of that kind of stuff, I have a football season to worry about?'”
Would be less awful if that hasn’t been the response of big-time college football and the NFL to most off-field issues..

Fox News has suspended Newt Gingrich’s contract. “Due to the intense media speculation about Gingrich’s potential selection as Donald Trump’s V.P candidate, we felt it best to half his contributor role on the network to avoid all conflicts of interest that may arise.”

But until now, Newt has been “fair and balanced?” ‪#‎SMH‬

In Florida a woman was taken to the hospital for evaluation after she drove into a house and told police she was praying with her eyes closed. This is not I think what Carrie Underwood meant with ‪#‎Jesustakethewheel‬.

#‎BernieSanders‬ didn’t exactly look thrilled to be on stage today with ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ Maybe he and ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ can form a support group.

Donald Trump, upset about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s negative comments about him, says she should leave the bench “as soon as possible.” Uh, if the Donald thinks Elizabeth Warren is aggravating wait until he starts really jousting with Notorious RBG. ‪#‎passthepopcorn‬



Donald Trump on RBG “I think it’s highly inappropriate that a United States Supreme Court judge gets involved in a political campaign, frankly.” Right, they should wait until after the vote and then determine the result.




During a memorial for the slain Dallas police offices, which was also attended by George W. and Laura Bush, President Obama stated at one point ‘We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a Glock than to get his hands on a computer.’

Obama was criticized by many conservative for being political. But none of them said he was wrong.

(maybe the President should have said, any teenager with a gun who wants a computer could easily steal one?)

Slip sliding away.

February 10, 2016


The SF Giants this year will unveil a statue of Gaylord Perry. It will be the first statue ever where any pigeons who try to land will end up sliding off.


Former 49ers WR Josh Morgan, currently a free agent, reportedly sustained “non-life threatening injuries” when he accidentally shot himself last month. He has been charged with misdemeanor reckless use of a firearm. Is Morgan trying to prove he still belongs in the NFL?

“I’m a pretty good winner. I’m a terrible loser. And I rub it in pretty good when I win. But as soon as I lose… I don’t know. It’s like I wish I had a punching bag nearby sometimes.”

More Cam Newton. Nope, Tom Brady on 60 minutes in 2005.

The story is out that Johnny Manziel showed up either really drunk or hungover at a team meeting and Cleveland covered it up by saying their QB had a concussion. Looking like the Browns aren’t just in need of football coaching, they need an Al-Anon meeting. ‪#‎enablers‬

The California Coastal Commission is trying to require that the Mavericks surfing competition invite women. The question, can they find qualified women with a death wish?

Burger King is going to start selling hot dogs later this month. For all those who thought their menu was just too healthy.

The CDC has just confirmed a link between the Zika virus and microcephaly in Brazilian babies who died. Which could be bad news for tropical vacation destinations. Though maybe it won’t deter Republicans who don’t believe in science anyway.

Apparently Amazon wrote a zombie apocalypse clause into its open-source software terms of service. Did someone there presage Trump’s New Hampshire victory?

#‎ChrisChristie‬ is heading home. And many in New Jersey are thinking “Isn’t there any way we can close a bridge into the state or something?

Meanwhile the other GOP candidates in the race, except Marco Rubio, are thinking “Isn’t there a way they can get Christie into one last debate?”

And this weekend temperatures in NJ are expected to fall to near zero. Maybe Christie shouldn’t have said “Hell will freeze over before I quit this campaign.”

#‎CarlyFiorina‬ has officially dropped out of the Presidential race. So is she officially now her own last HP layoff?

Ben Carson says he will not drop out of the GOP Presidential primary race. Apparently he doesn’t want to disappoint both his supporters.

All day long, Facebook  has been giving me this message “Add your phone number to help secure your account and more.” Yeah, it’s that “and more” I’m worried about. ‪#‎nothanks‬



Kansas senator Roy Blunt got three student deferments during the Vietnam war. Which is fine, except he’s been saying he got lucky with a number “in the low 300s, and was never called.” His staff said that “poor memories” may have contributed to the “confusion.”
Where’s the outrage from other Senate hawks? Oh, I forgot, IOKIYR


Some are calling already for an NTSB investigation into why Royal Caribbean sailed their “Anthem of the Seas” into a massive storm. Guessing most travelers are happy about the idea – or at least they will be until their cruise line cancels THEIR future trip based on possible weather.

Wonder if the Anthem of the Seas captain will claim someone pushed him into the storm?

After the NY Daily News cover showed Donald Trump as a clown and called his supporters “Brain dead zombies,” the Donald today called them a “totally failing paper” that is “going to be closing soon, I’m pretty sure.,” and attacked the Daily News on Twitter. Well, if nothing else, this controversy should sell a LOT of papers.



Not taken for granite.

February 9, 2016

New Hampshire results are in. So now be know even more about what voters in small white states think.

But first some non-primary jokes:


Quicken Loans Super Bowl ad had the idea that people could get a mortgage on their phones, and asked: “If it could be that easy, wouldn’t more people buy homes?” Guessing they won’t run the ad in theaters before “The Big Short?”

If we needed any more proof that Jim Harbaugh is turning Michigan back into a powerhouse, the SEC has asked the NCAA to stop the Wolverines practicing in Florida over Spring Break, saying Harbaugh is taking his players “free time away.” Right, because the SEC is SO concerned about student-athletes’ well being….

Meteorologists are now saying Royal Caribbean should not have sailed their Anthem of the Seas ship into hurricane force winds as the storm was “well-forecast.” So guessing ambulance-chasing lawyers and class-action lawsuits in three, two, one…..

Disney’s “Frozen” is coming to Broadway in 2018. And so millions more American parents of daughters who weren’t old enough for the 2013 movie will discover the soundtrack and start wishing they really could “Let it Go.”

Rick Snyder was asked to speak before Congress on the Flint water crisis and declined, saying he has a budget meeting. Imagine how the GOP would react if Jennifer Granholm was still Governor of Michigan and declined such an invitation. Of course, if Granholm was still Governor we probably wouldn’t have the Flint water crisis.

At a Trump rally, the Donald repeated a woman’s insult about Ted Cruz “She said he’s a pussy.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from cats.


Chris Christie didn’t do that well in New Hampshire. But thinking all GOP candidates not named Rubio owe him a thank-you gift. Maybe bridge mix?


John Kasich tonight said “the light overcame the darkness of negative campaigning.” Translation, “if I start really gaining traction I’ll have my Super PAC do the negative campaigning for me.”


John Kasich said of his campaign moving on from New Hampshire to South Carolina from “We’re going to be changing some snowshoes for some flip-flops and we’re going to go from fried clams to jambalaya.”
Jeez, Governor, it’s jambalaya is Louisiana, in South Carolina it’s “perloo.” Get your pandering straight.



Chris Christie said he’s going to “take a deep breath” and go home. Apparently he’s out of money. But the thought of the Governor quitting and going back to his state might bring a flood of donations. From New Jerseyans.

So if today marks the end of the campaign, suppose it’s somehow apt that the happened on

Last Democrat to win ‪#‎NewHampshire‬ primary and the Presidency in the same year? ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬


A subdued Marco Rubio “We did not do well on Saturday and so listen to this: That will never happen again.” Does that mean Rubio is dropping out of future debates?

Donald Trump’s son Eric says that waterboarding is “quite frankly is no different than what happens on college campuses and frat houses every day.”
So just how many of the GOP candidates were frat boys anyway?

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s whine that the Super Bowl halftime show should have “wholesome” entertainment “You’re right…The fans deserve wholesome entertainment: Like watching 300-pound men give each other concussions while a crowd cheers like extras in the movie Gladiator. So what is wrong with Beyoncé, everyone? Were you not entertained?”
Three word hashtag ‪#‎YouGoGirl‬

We don’t need no stinking bats

January 21, 2016

Increasingly looking like the designated hitter will be a done deal in the 2017 season in the NL. Well, there’s talk of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ renegotiating Bumgarner’s contract – wonder if besides a nice raise ‪#‎Madbum‬ will insist that HE can DH?

So one of the reason MLB may be moving to a universal DH is the threat of injury to their star pitchers who don’t handle a bat well. Well, if that’s the rationale, why not add DRs – designated runners for stars who don’t move that well? ‪#‎wherewillitend‬? ‪#‎notrealbaseball‬

Increasingly difficult for a comedy writer today to ‪#‎Trump‬ reality. Satire is ‪#‎Palin‬ by comparison.

Former UConn and Portland Trail Blazers basketball player Cliff Robinson is opening a recreational marijuana dispensary in Oregon, saying there’s a “mis-perception that athletes and cannabis are incompatible.” Okay, “illegal”? Maybe. “Incompatible? – Not to anyone who’s been paying attention.’

Herman Cain says he gets callers all the time who say “I am black, I’m female and I’m going from Democrat to Trump.” If true, maybe someone needs to send Cain a link to an Urban Dictionary – the page referring to “catfish.”

Louisana consistently ranks as the state with the worst health in the nation. Now with new Governor John Bel Edwards accepting the ACA, the state health dept expects almost 450,000 patients to be added to Medicaid, including 300,000 previously uninsured. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

In New Jersey, the assembly passed a bill last June with almost unanimous bipartisan support to prevent anyone convicted of gang activity, making terror threats or carjacking from buying or owning a gun in the state. This week, Chris Christie vetoed it.
And the formerly pro-gun control Governor expects us to believe he can stand up to our enemies? He can’t even stand up to the NRA.

The Oscars boycott list grows, now Will Smith says he will not attend and Mark Ruffalo is thinking about it. If this keeps up they might actually get the show finished this year in under four hours.

Wow. reports this from United Airlines’ Vice Chairman Jim Compton “We’ve come to recognize that completion factor — getting people from point A to B — is the most important metric.”
What was their first clue?


Eric Garcetti, L.A.’s mayor, said in talking about the Rams, that he would love to see the Chargers stay in San Diego, and the Raiders stay in Oakland. Translation, either Garcetti cares more about traffic than football, or he just might have ambitions for statewide office.



TSA said they found 2,653 guns last year at US airports, up 20% over last year, and more than 82% were loaded. Scary. What might be scarier is the possible number they didn’t find.

Jersey boy oh boy.

June 30, 2015

So what will Chris Christie’s campaign slogan be? Suggestion – “Put a real bully in the pulpit.”

Chris Christie has joined the 2016 Presidential race. Guess he figured the field needed a heavy hitter?


(Yes, Chris Christie fat jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel. If the fish were deep fried and covered with a cream sauce.)

Open note to both ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ & ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ – “That word does not mean what you think it means.” ‪#‎Bullypulpit‬  #princessbride

Donald Trump has now filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision after they dropped his pageants. So is that how the Donald plans to deal with all his opponents and our enemies aboard – sue them?

Some day the NBA is really going to miss Coach Popovich. But fortunately not yet. Pop on free agency, which started at 12:01am Wednesday.  “I’m not calling anyone at midnight, I’ll be in bed. And if that’s the difference in someone coming or not coming, then I don’t want them.”

BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse, trying to promote their new quinoa dishes, is offering a $10,000 gift card to the first person who can prove, with a birth certificate, that they have named their baby “Quinoa.” $10,000?! That would barely cover a year’s therapy.

Daytona International Speedway will give a free U.S. flag to any fan wishing to trade in their Confederate flag this weekend. Who’d a thunk that NASCAR would end up being more sensitive to symbols than the NFL? ‪#‎Redskins


At current count “only” five Royals are slated to start the MLB All-Star game. But whatever happens, maybe these Presidential candidates desperate for votes in 2016 should consider hiring a consultant from Kansas City.

#‎SFGiants‬ have DFA’d ‪#‎CaseyMcGehee‬ for a second time in 2015. Do we call this a “Double Play DFA?”

QB Russell Wilson said in an interview “I’ll play hard for $25 million or for $1.5 million.” And Seahawks management is thinking “Are both of those offers?”


The Ku Klux Klan plans a July rally protest possibly removing the Confederate flag from South Carolina statehouse grounds. If they feel that strongly about the flag maybe the Klan should head overseas and try to raise it in an ISIS stronghold?

Open note to anyone asking for a political contribution. “Urgent” in the subject line is effectively a synonym for “Hit the delete button.” ‪#‎enoughalready‬

The University of Missouri at Kansas City paid Chelsea Clinton $65,000, to speak, because they couldn’t afford Hilary’s fee of $275,000. Hmm, if the school could have held out for a few years maybe they could have gotten Charlotte for less.

One escaped murderer is dead, the other in hospital and in custody. But the FBI is now apparently investigating a possible heroin ring in the New York prison where the two escaped from earlier this month. The surviving convict better stay alive at this point, they’ll need him as a consultant for the movie

A Louisiana man, unhappy with Walmart’s removing Confederate flags from their stores, went in with a picture of an ISIS flag, and had it put on a cake, then complained in a Youtube video that went viral. Walmart has apologized. “It’s unfortunate one customer thought to take advantage of an associate who did not know the flag and its meaning,”

And some people think it doesn’t matter if all Americans are educated.

From Marc Ragovin “Dwyane Wade has opted out of his contract with the Heat. “I think a lot of teams are going to show interest in him,” said 2009.”

TLC Family Values

May 22, 2015

TLC has apparently cancelled “19 Kids and Counting.”


And from the Duggar family, this direct quote from Josh’s statement. “I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

HIS life? But hey, the girls he molested, they would grow up fine with enforced future purity and “side hugs” ‪#‎sickpuppy‬


Waiting for the first owners of a small business to say it goes against their religious values to bake a cake for a Duggar family wedding. #duggars


Bus to hell moment.  Wonder if the “19 kids” in the title referred to Josh’s tally.


Some times the best quotes come from the oddest places. This is from Mama June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, whose family TLC show was canceled last fall after reports that she was dating a convicted child molester. “”I read that the Duggar family said this happening with their son brought them closer to God and each other. So they’re saying it’s ok to have family touch time? Hell no.”


Seahawks’ DE Michael Bennett says that playing for coach Pete Carroll “is like playing for Willy Wonka.” Well, except for at the end of the movie, Willy Wonka handed off the factory.

Michael Sam has signed with the CFL Alouettes and says he wants to bring a Grey Cup to Montreal. Give Sam credit, at least he knows what the Grey Cup is.


The San Francisco 49ers and San Diego Chargers first preseason game Sept 3 at Levi’s Stadium is now on Goldstar for half-price. But many fans may want to wait to see how much the teams will offer to pay them to show up.

Chris Christie now says the media owes him an apology over Bridgegate. Or what, he’ll close New Jersey Transit so they can’t get to work?

Disney World is trying to crack down on people who use selfie-sticks on rides at their theme parks. Ah, for a machine that could just randomly grab sticks while rides are in operation and throw them and their users off…


Kyrie Irving was out for Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals with left knee tendinitis. Sounds like we are getting ever closer to an NBA version of that baseball cartoon, with LeBron James channeling Bugs Bunny and playing all the positions.

LA GM Mitch Kupchak says the 2015-16 season will be Bryant’s last with the Lakers “He has indicated to me that this is it.” Kobe has one year and $25 million left on his contract. So is Bryant retiring? Or just not happy with the idea of actually being paid in future for what he is now worth.

From Marc Ragovin;  “Pete Townshend turned 70 the other day. So now instead of singing “Who Are Your?” it’s “Who Am I?”

Beep, beep.

April 25, 2015

Police finally trapped a coyote they had been chasing in lower-Manhattan this morning. Wonder if they lured him with an ACME sign.

So many of the headlines on Bruce Jenner and his “I Am a Woman” comment reference him as a “reality TV star.” I guess those of us who think “Wheaties” and “Gold medal” are really old….

So for fans of watching heads explode, can we ask all the GOP Presidential candidates what they think of Bruce Jenner coming out as a a Republican?

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, talking about the “coarseness:” of society, for example, “the constant use of the “F-word” – including, you know, ladies using it… If you portray it a lot, the society’s going to become that way. It’s very sad,”

Of course, Scalia probably isn’t considering how many women who use the “F-word” are using it in response to his decisions.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says the league will have “full-throated conversations” about eliminating “Hack-A-Shaq’ strategy, saying it’s “not great entertainment for our fans.” Well, heck, if that was the criteria this year the NBA might have eliminated the 76ers and the Knicks.

If Adam Silver really wants to get rid of the “Hack-A-Shaq” strategy, why doesn’t he propose locking some of these clowns in a gym with a lot of basketballs until they can learn to shoot at least 50% of their free throws?


The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are apparently paying Josh Hamilton $75 million to go away. And you thought maybe your boss didn’t like YOU?


The New York Times has reported that Russian hackers had access to President Obama’s emails after infiltrating the White House and the State Department’s unclassified computer systems last year. So does this make Hillary Clinton look like a genius?

Mary Pat Christie, wife of the New Jersey governor, has quit her $475,000-a-year job on Wall Street, fueling speculation that Chris will announce soon that he is running for President. In the meantime, will the family join the Cruz’s on Obamacare?

The ‪#‎Astros‬ are not off to a good start in their annual chase for ‪#‎MLB‬‘s number one draft pick.

Headlines now about the Google executive killed on Everest with the Nepal earthquake. Alas perhaps again illustrating the quote, especially with the U.S. media, “One death is a tragedy, one million is a statistic.”

Apparently in China, a small turnout at a funeral indicates the deceased was not well-liked and can disgrace a family. So some familes are hiring strippers to perform at the services. Wonder how many men are reading this and thinking “hmm, time to rewrite my last wishes.”


Or as my friend Elizabeth says ” “Wonder how many more men plan to attend funerals? “Hey honey, I’d love to help around the house, but I have another funeral to attend.”

Six players from Kansas City Royals and Chicago White Sox were suspended for their role in a serious brawl last week. On the brighter side, they’ve all been offered post-season tryouts with the Chiefs and Bears.


There are plenty of reasons to criticize and disagree with Hlllary Clinton. But regarding her “evolution” on gay marriage, is she any different than many people? Ten years ago a Wash. Post/ABC poll found 39 percent of Americans supported same-sex marriage with 58 percent opposed. The same poll last week found 61 percent in favor, 35 percent opposed. ‪#‎thetimestheyareachangin‬