Posted tagged ‘DH jokes’

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Benched?

June 2, 2016

Lebron James called the 2014 San Antonio Spurs the best team he’d ever faced. After NBA Finals game 1, where Cleveland was beaten by the Golden State bench, looking like the Cavs couldn’t even come close to beating the 2016 Spurs.

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Some of these officiating delays in the ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ make you long for the quick decisions of ‪#‎MLB‬ instant replay. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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In the Barry Bonds days, no one wanted to leave their seat at home or in front of the TV when he was due up to bat. Not that he’s THAT good, but it’s beginning to feel the same way when you know Madison Bumgarner will have an AB. ‪#‎anythingcanhappen‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

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SFGiants have a message for all ‪#‎DH‬ fans who say no one wants to watch a pitcher hit. ‪#‎STFU‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoReallyRake‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬

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Starbucks is teaming up with Anheuser-Busch for a bottled version of their “Teavana” tea. The product, however, won’t have any actual beer in it. Just like Bud Light.

 

A Crimson Tide coach, Bo Davis, resigned this spring over illegal contact with a recruit. But Nick Saban has been complaining about the Wolverines’ satellite camps. Jim Harbaugh’s Twitter response “‘Amazing’ to me – Alabama broke NCAA rules & now their HC is lecturing us on the possibility of rules being broken at camps. Truly ‘amazing.’
How much do we want to see Michigan-Alabama in college football now? ‪#‎whatsyourdeal‬

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Jeffery Simmons, the 12th ranked DE recruit in the US, was arrested and charged with assault and disturbing the peace this March. A video showed him hitting a woman several times. Mississippi State said Simmons will be given a one-game suspension and allowed to play football, but with “conditions attached.”
The number one condition being that he play well on the field?

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Sad. Prince apparently died of a opiod overdose. So Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t have surgery, but they can drug themselves to death?

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Bernard Marcus, the founder of Home Depot, has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Presumably because he hopes Trump will need to shop at Home Depot to built that wall.

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Taylor Swift’s boyfriend of 15 month, Calvin Harris, apparently just broke up with HER. Well, at least the song should be different this time.
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The graduate student who fatally shot a UCLA professor had accused the professor of stealing his work. So yeah, what we need in a high-stress college environment is for all students and professors to be armed. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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Paul Ryan said he’ll vote for Donald Trump in November. Did they legalize marijuana in Wisconsin and not tell us?

 

The AP reports that after Texas Gov. Greg Abbott dropped a state probe into Trump University, the Donald gave Abbott a $35,000 donation to his campaign. Five words: “Damn, I miss Molly Ivins.”

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We don’t need no stinking bats

January 21, 2016

Increasingly looking like the designated hitter will be a done deal in the 2017 season in the NL. Well, there’s talk of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ renegotiating Bumgarner’s contract – wonder if besides a nice raise ‪#‎Madbum‬ will insist that HE can DH?

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So one of the reason MLB may be moving to a universal DH is the threat of injury to their star pitchers who don’t handle a bat well. Well, if that’s the rationale, why not add DRs – designated runners for stars who don’t move that well? ‪#‎wherewillitend‬? ‪#‎notrealbaseball‬

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Increasingly difficult for a comedy writer today to ‪#‎Trump‬ reality. Satire is ‪#‎Palin‬ by comparison.

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Former UConn and Portland Trail Blazers basketball player Cliff Robinson is opening a recreational marijuana dispensary in Oregon, saying there’s a “mis-perception that athletes and cannabis are incompatible.” Okay, “illegal”? Maybe. “Incompatible? – Not to anyone who’s been paying attention.’

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Herman Cain says he gets callers all the time who say “I am black, I’m female and I’m going from Democrat to Trump.” If true, maybe someone needs to send Cain a link to an Urban Dictionary – the page referring to “catfish.”

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Louisana consistently ranks as the state with the worst health in the nation. Now with new Governor John Bel Edwards accepting the ACA, the state health dept expects almost 450,000 patients to be added to Medicaid, including 300,000 previously uninsured. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

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In New Jersey, the assembly passed a bill last June with almost unanimous bipartisan support to prevent anyone convicted of gang activity, making terror threats or carjacking from buying or owning a gun in the state. This week, Chris Christie vetoed it.
And the formerly pro-gun control Governor expects us to believe he can stand up to our enemies? He can’t even stand up to the NRA.

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The Oscars boycott list grows, now Will Smith says he will not attend and Mark Ruffalo is thinking about it. If this keeps up they might actually get the show finished this year in under four hours.

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Wow. Bizjournals.com reports this from United Airlines’ Vice Chairman Jim Compton “We’ve come to recognize that completion factor — getting people from point A to B — is the most important metric.”
What was their first clue?

 

Eric Garcetti, L.A.’s mayor, said in talking about the Rams, that he would love to see the Chargers stay in San Diego, and the Raiders stay in Oakland. Translation, either Garcetti cares more about traffic than football, or he just might have ambitions for statewide office.

 

 

TSA said they found 2,653 guns last year at US airports, up 20% over last year, and more than 82% were loaded. Scary. What might be scarier is the possible number they didn’t find.

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When men were men, and women were men too?

April 27, 2015

Max Scherzer, who injured his thumb batting, says the NL should add the DH as “no one wants to see pitchers bat.'” And that “NFW” in a loud southern drawl you hear comes from Madison Bumgarner. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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If Bruce Jenner feels he has “always been a woman”, is this a small twisted revenge on all those East German Olympic women’s medal winners?

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Here we go again. In Napa, a 29-year-old high school girl’s soccer coach was arrested after a 16-year-old girl reported he propositioned her and sexted her a picture of his genitals. Leaving aside the illegality and wrongness of this, when will men learn – no one wants to see pictures of your junk.

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The Boston Celtics shuffled their lineup for Game 4 today against the Cleveland Cavaliers. Guess this is the NBA version of re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

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A British man will marry his 92-year-old fiancee on his 103th birthday June 13. Well this is one way to probably avoid the 7-year-itch.

 

Corinthian Colleges said it will end operations and shut down their campuses, affecting more than 16,000 U.S. students. And of course the SEC schools who never got a chance to schedule them in football.

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Sen. Ted Cruz said yesterday that “there is no room for Christians in today’s Democratic Party.” I think this is one appropriate time for the phrase “Jesus wept.”

 

“Why there is no satire” headline of the day- “George W. Bush Bashes Obama on Middle East.

 

After letting the Ottawa Senators climb back from 3-0 to 3-2, the Montreal Canadiens closed out their series by winning today’s game 2-0 behind Carey Price’s 43 saves. So the Canadiens may not be this year’s Stanley Cup champions, but at least they’re not this year’s San Jose Sharks.

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Giants and Rockies rained out in Denver.  Well, at least this was one game Casey McGehee knew he wouldn’t hit into a double play.

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Although as much as I might rag on McGehee,  he has the same number of home runs  (1) and until today, the same slugging percentage of the man he replaced, Pablo Sandoval.

 

 

And all aboard the bus to hell driven tonight by T.C

“Billy Joel, age 65, and his pregnant girlfriend who is 34 were harassed in a New York restaurant. People were calling him a pervert and dirty old man. He said it totally ruined their 22nd anniversary.”

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