Posted tagged ‘Royals jokes’

This could go on all day and night….

October 27, 2015

Thanks to ESPN’s insisting that the MLB season start on a Sunday night, and in 2015, April 5, the World Series just got started tonight. Finally.  Millions of Americans have been eagerly awaiting the November Classic.

The World Series was actually delayed tonight over Fox’s unexplained technical difficulties. Maybe even God has had enough of Joe Buck.

But really, Fox having broadcast outage at ‪the #‎WorldSeries‬?   Well, maybe if the network had actually practiced by regularly showing baseball this season?

During the postgame show Joe Buck talked about  ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game 2 “tomorrow in Kansas City.”  Uh, Joe, after 14 innings, more like tonight.

First time I’ve seen even a little bat flip on a sacrifice fly. ‪#‎Hosmer‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ ‪#‎Royals‬

But give Hosmer credit, that sacrifice fly must have felt really good after he picked a really bad time to channel Bill Buckner.

So do the ‪#‎Mets‬ have a special voodoo doll they bury near first base during the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬?

Harold Reynolds, doing his best to match Joe Buck on the stupid scale. “this is about as evenly matched a World Series as I’ve heard people talk about in years.” Uh, except for last year that came down to one-run in game 7?

The NY Daily News reported Tuesday night that Derek Jeter is engaged. Apparently the Yankees really really don’t like being out of the October spotlight.

When  ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game one started Bartolo Colon had barely started shaving.

An injured deer walked into a Rochester, NY, emergency room. Assume the staff fawned over him.

REI says it will close all stores on Black Friday and pay their employees to be outside that day. Hope not too many of those employees decide “outside’ means waiting outside other stores

Taco Bell has introduced new croissant breakfast tacos. Yet another consequence of states legalizing marijuana?

-The Texans have released QB Ryan Mallett after he was late for meetings Saturday and missed the team’s charter flight to Miami. I can hear the cries from Houston now “Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.!!!”

Oracle announced they will build a public charter “Design Tech” high school on its Redwood City, California campus. The idea presumably being to hire some of these kids before they do something silly like go to college.

Walgreen’s is acquiring Rite Aid. Another step on the path to one national drug store change and one airline.

Charles Koch is bemoaning a lack of substance and civility in the 2016 Presidential race “It’s mainly about personalities, and ‘your mother sucked rotten eggs.” Yeah, well, Dr. Frankenstein also ended up not being thrilled with his monster.

Donald Trump’s response to his drop in the polls. “I don’t get it.”   Hey, when he’s right, he’s right.

John Kasich talking about his GOP competition on the eve of the next debate. “I’ve about had it with these people. I want you to know I’m fed up. I’m sick and tired of listening to this nonsense and I’m going to have to call it like it is in this race.”
With all due respect, so until now he’s not been “calling it like it is” why?

Is it too soon to start a pool on the next arrest date for Greg Hardy? ‪#‎Cowboys‬ ‪#‎NFL‬

Alex Kaseberg, co-piloting me on the bus-to-hell tonight.  “After sustaining a serious 4th-of-July fireworks hand injury, Jason Pierre-Paul agreed to terms with New York Giants. Jason was so happy, he gave the Giants a high-three.”

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Jersey boy oh boy.

June 30, 2015

So what will Chris Christie’s campaign slogan be? Suggestion – “Put a real bully in the pulpit.”

Chris Christie has joined the 2016 Presidential race. Guess he figured the field needed a heavy hitter?

 

(Yes, Chris Christie fat jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel. If the fish were deep fried and covered with a cream sauce.)

Open note to both ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ & ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ – “That word does not mean what you think it means.” ‪#‎Bullypulpit‬  #princessbride

Donald Trump has now filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision after they dropped his pageants. So is that how the Donald plans to deal with all his opponents and our enemies aboard – sue them?

Some day the NBA is really going to miss Coach Popovich. But fortunately not yet. Pop on free agency, which started at 12:01am Wednesday.  “I’m not calling anyone at midnight, I’ll be in bed. And if that’s the difference in someone coming or not coming, then I don’t want them.”

BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse, trying to promote their new quinoa dishes, is offering a $10,000 gift card to the first person who can prove, with a birth certificate, that they have named their baby “Quinoa.” $10,000?! That would barely cover a year’s therapy.

Daytona International Speedway will give a free U.S. flag to any fan wishing to trade in their Confederate flag this weekend. Who’d a thunk that NASCAR would end up being more sensitive to symbols than the NFL? ‪#‎Redskins

 

At current count “only” five Royals are slated to start the MLB All-Star game. But whatever happens, maybe these Presidential candidates desperate for votes in 2016 should consider hiring a consultant from Kansas City.

#‎SFGiants‬ have DFA’d ‪#‎CaseyMcGehee‬ for a second time in 2015. Do we call this a “Double Play DFA?”

QB Russell Wilson said in an interview “I’ll play hard for $25 million or for $1.5 million.” And Seahawks management is thinking “Are both of those offers?”

 

The Ku Klux Klan plans a July rally protest possibly removing the Confederate flag from South Carolina statehouse grounds. If they feel that strongly about the flag maybe the Klan should head overseas and try to raise it in an ISIS stronghold?

Open note to anyone asking for a political contribution. “Urgent” in the subject line is effectively a synonym for “Hit the delete button.” ‪#‎enoughalready‬

The University of Missouri at Kansas City paid Chelsea Clinton $65,000, to speak, because they couldn’t afford Hilary’s fee of $275,000. Hmm, if the school could have held out for a few years maybe they could have gotten Charlotte for less.

One escaped murderer is dead, the other in hospital and in custody. But the FBI is now apparently investigating a possible heroin ring in the New York prison where the two escaped from earlier this month. The surviving convict better stay alive at this point, they’ll need him as a consultant for the movie

A Louisiana man, unhappy with Walmart’s removing Confederate flags from their stores, went in with a picture of an ISIS flag, and had it put on a cake, then complained in a Youtube video that went viral. Walmart has apologized. “It’s unfortunate one customer thought to take advantage of an associate who did not know the flag and its meaning,”

And some people think it doesn’t matter if all Americans are educated.

 
From Marc Ragovin “Dwyane Wade has opted out of his contract with the Heat. “I think a lot of teams are going to show interest in him,” said 2009.”

Let him out.

June 8, 2015


Many of my friends and readers will be too young. But some of us will remember an old bad phone prank.

 

princealbert

 

With the votes counted as of today, seven Kansas City Royals on track to start this year’s All-Star Game. Guessing most Americans couldn’t NAME seven Kansas City Royals.

A semi-truck carrying 2,200 piglets tipped over on an Southern Ohio highway, and while no injuries were reported, local police and fire crews are trying to corral the baby pigs running around the county. And wonder how many people are trying to option thescreenplay? ‪#‎MFpigletsonMFhighway‬?

The New England Patriots have released LB Brandon Spikes today after his damaged and abandoned Mercedes was found about 3:30a Sunday morning in Foxborough. How long until driving your own car becomes as forbidden in the NFL as taking steroids?

A new study indicates that schizophrenia is more prevalent in people who grew up with cats at home, and some scientists think this could be explained by a parasite called “toxoplasma gondi” that can be found in cat litter boxes. Or it could be explained by being raised by crazy cat ladies.

At MetLife stadium, NJ State Police arrested a number of people and had to use tear gas after a riot broke out when they closed the gates early to a Summer Jam 2015 concert, keeping both un-ticketed and ticketed fans outside. It was a lot more action than the stadium normally sees with the Jets

All these GOP candidates juggling potential Presidential campaign announcement dates and trying to make sure they stand out and look good. it’s almost like a bunch of girls trying to pick that singular prom dress.

Wawrinka vs. Djokovic for the men’s French Open final was not exactly most fans’ dream. “You’re telling us,” said hundreds of copy editors.

Triple Crown winning jockey Victor Espinoza threw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium yesterday and got it all the way to the plate. If he were a lefty the Yanks might have signed him.

(my friend Bruce reminds me that that the Dodgers also need short relief.)

A parole board is recommending Oscar Pistorius be released from prison in August, 10 months after he started serving a 6 year term for killing his girlfriend. 10 months?! With parole boards like this who needs Los Angeles juries?

 

 

 

From my (Jewish) friend Alex Kaseberg,    “Jerry Seinfeld told ESPN radio he thought political correctness could destroy comedy. But what does that crazy Jew know?”

Royal inheritance?

May 4, 2015

Lots of discussion in England over who the new baby Princess looks like. Of course, it will be a long time before we find out the answer to a very important question – was she lucky enough to inherit Aunt Pippa’s bum?

Open educational note to any idiot who was thinking of making an anti-Mideast/Muslim comment about American Pharoah and his owner Ahmed Sayat. Sayat is Jewish. No joke. You’re welcome.

Apparently the Brewers’ Ron Roenicke has earned the dubious distinction of being the first MLB manager fired in 2015. On the first weekend in May. Even Cubs fans think that’s giving up a little early.

Several commentators place the SF 49ers as amongst the teams with the worst 2015 drafts. And if you listen hard, you can hear the giggles all the way from Ann Arbor.

(my friend Karen points out there was an earthquake in Michigan yesterday.  So maybe it was Harbaugh doing his happy dance?)

Tiger Woods has posted on his website that he and Lindsey Vonn “have mutually decided to stop dating.” Well, at least he didn’t call it a “conscious uncoupling.”

Listening to some experts say that breakup with Lindsey Vonn might help Tiger Woods focus on golf. Thinking Tiger did just fine when he was juggling a wife AND half a dozen waitresses.

Sure are a lot of people upset today over wasting their money on the “Fight of the Century.” Maybe they’ll all be named honorary SF 49ers Personal Seat License holders.

So now that the Mayweather-Pacquaio event is over, will fight fans just have to sign up with MLB to stream Kansas City Royals games?

So many celebrities in Vegas that they ran out of room to park private jets. Wonder how many of the same celebrities had used those same jets to go to events for Earth Day.

 

A U.K study that included over 2 million people found that those with the highest dementia risk in old age were those who were UNDERWEIGHT. Well, that is at least some comfort to those who worry about an increasing epidemic of dementia in the U.S.

Client reports a United nonstop from Washington-Dulles to SF today has a PLANNED fuel stop in Wichita. Pilot says it’s because the flight is full and they have to either stop for gas or bump 50 people. On a clear spring day. Right. Because flights in the U.S. these days are never full…. ‪#‎andairlneswonderwhywedonttrustthem‬

SF Giants opened up today’s game with back-to-back home runs. (Aoki and Panik) Last time they did that was 1964 – and the pitcher was Bob Gibson. Wonder how many Giants paid for that feat with knockdown pitches and/or balls in the ribs.

 

Who’d a thunk this a couple weeks ago? The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎RedSox‬ now have identical 12-13 records.

Not only going to miss watching the Spurs play for the rest of these playoffs year, going to miss Pop’s interviews: “People ask me about Tim [Duncan] and Manu [Ginobili] and myself for the last five years, what we’re going to do, It’s all psycho babble. I have no clue. We’ll probably come back. Paycheck is pretty good. You think I’m lying.” ‪#‎honesty‬

Class, nothing but class. (seriously)

October 30, 2014

After the SF Giants win, the folks at Kaufmann stadium turned the fountains to orange.   And hey, since the Giants are an even year team, happy to root for the KC Royals in 2015.

 

 

fountains

 

If poetry is “emotion recollected in tranquility,” then these World Series post game shows are indeed poetry. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Doesn’t it seem sometimes like Joe ‪#‎Panik‬ has always been at 2nd for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬? ‪#‎realbaseballplayer‬

But breathing plan for Game 7.   Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Ah screw it, so how long can you hold your breath anyway? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Game7‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

Chicks dig the small ball ‪#‎sfgiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

 

 

 

 

SF Giants have accomplished a double mission. First, winning the World Series. Second, giving all their fans a free cardiac stress test.

 

And yet, win or lose, Giamatti was right about baseball. Nonetheless, Go Giants.

“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ”

Joe Maddon is the new manager of the Chicago Cubs, reportedly for about a 5 year, $25 million contract. Which might work out to over $8 million a year. ‪#‎tradition‬ ‪#‎waituntilnextyear

Jeb Bush has hit the metaphorical campaign trail, assailing Obama for his Ebola response, saying it “fueled fears that may not be justified.”So what the President really should have done to calm Americans was start shutting down the media? Starting with FOX News.

Harold Reynolds last night during the World Series telecast called Bud Selig “the greatest (MLB) commissioner of all time.” Hard to imagine but someone did it. Proved they could be worse about baseball than Joe Buck,

.-

Not alas, the Onion. In Arizona, the Senate Judiciary Committee endorsed a bill that would allow employers to ask employees for proof that they are seeking contraceptives for purposes other than sex. (like acne, or hormone issues) and deny them coverage if they don’t comply. Where’s the bill to ban coverage for Viagra?

 

Jerry Jones on whether Tony Romo will play next week. “This is a function of pain tolerance. And Cowboys fans during the Romo years are rolling their eyes and thinking “we know all about pain tolerance.”

 

Poor Julius Randle. The Lakers rookie, who broke his leg in the season opener, will probably be out for the year. On a brighter note, next year Randle has a good chance of playing with a #1 draft pick.

Bill Littlejohn, on Florida football coach Will Muschamp saying he’s adopting a bunker mentality: “Which one, Archie or Edith?”

Down to the wire

October 28, 2014

This just in.   ESPN experts predict winner of Wednesday’s SF Giants  KC Royals game will win the World Series.

SF Giants game 7 strategy?  Wear out KC Royals bats in game 6?

 

So ESPN wanted Derek Jeter to matter in the postseason. And who knows, the SF Giants, baseball’s most consistent unkillable cockroaches, may well win tomorrow. But home field advantage for this World Series was probably decided by Wainwright deciding to groove that farewell All-Star pitch….

Only fun San Francisco fans are having tonight with ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ so far is thinking how dismal the ratings must be for ‪#‎FOX‬ at this point in Game 6. .‪#‎SFGiants‬

Saddest story of this MLB postseason is of course Oscar Tavares. But his death apparently inspired two friends, Juan Perez and Yordano Ventura, to have the games of their lives. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

Bus to hell time. TMZ is reporting that Jose Canseco blew his middle finger off his right hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas. Well, not like he used it for fielding or anything.

Taking time out from the World Series, send good wishes to Gordie Howe. Mr. Hockey, who at 86 is apparently recovering from a “serious stroke.” He was a dominant player in his sport longer than almost anyone. Yes, including Derek Jeter.-

First NCAA playoff rankings out. 3 ‪#‎SEC‬ teams out of 4. Shocking to many. They expected 4 #SEC teams. ‪#‎Collegefootballplayoff‬

If NY & NJ really want to beat ‪#‎Ebola‬, forget quarantine. Have folks returning from Africa join  the #‎NYJets‬. None of them can catch anything.

Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a croissant-donut. But the chain maintains it is NOT a “Cronut.” Why? Because their lawyers said so.

Sarah Palin “Those haters out there, they don’t understand that it invigorates me…. the more they’re pouring on the more I’m going to bug the crap out of them by being out there with a voice, with the message, hopefully running for office in the future, too.”  Palin “haters” and comedy writers alike heard the last part and are thinking, “Promise?”

At a Southern Baptist conference titled “The Gospel, Homosexuality and the Future of Marriage,” some speakers talked about being the voice of a moral minority because gay marriage is a “rejection of God’s law.” Wonder why some of these folks don’t also have conferences against heterosexual adultery and divorce?

 

The ‪#‎NBA‬ season started Tuesday night. The Philadelphia ‪#‎76ers‬ will be eliminated from playoff contention tomorrow.

Michael Jordan, majority owner of the Charlotte Hornets, says he is “dreaming” of a seventh NBA ring. Yep, “dreaming” is absolutely the correct word.

 

Dwight Howard said today “I didn’t leave L.A. because I was afraid of Kobe Bryant.” More like Dwight was afraid of not making the playoffs.

 

 

Meanwhile, Lakers rookie Julius Randle, the team’s #1 pick, broke his right tibia during an opening night loss. Meaning alas Randle will likely be as helpful to this year’s team as Steve Nash.

RG III might be ready to go back in as Washington’s quarterback for their next game as the team has a bye week coming up. And fans are now thinking, take a little more time to heal your ankle. A year or two to be safe.

Dolly Parton, on her support of gay rights: “But as far as the Christians, if people want to pass judgment, they’re already sinning. The sin of judging is just as bad as any other sin they might say somebody else is committing. I try to love everybody.” As Dolly has also said, “I know I’m not dumb, and I know I’m not blonde.”

Girl Power

October 26, 2014

mone

SF Giants are undefeated in games in which Mo’Ne Davis throws out the first pitch.

My Twitter post at 430p today….  Lucky guess?  .#‎Stanford‬‘s moribund offense woke up today against ‪#‎oregonstate‬. Maybe a good omen for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ offense. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬”

 

So who figured that the SF Giants would outscore both LSU and Ole Miss tonight.

World Series game four did last four hours exactly. Hope this isn’t an omen for game five.

USA Today’s Bob Nightengale led his game 4 World Series story about the SF Giants’ win  “Those loveable little, pesky cockroaches, you just can’t kill ’em.”

How long until they start selling stuffed cockroaches at A T & T Park.?

 

The Kansas City Royals had them trapped

One weird thing at ‪#‎WorldSeries‬. The out-of-town scoreboard is blank. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Need a reason to root for the ‪#‎SFGiants?‬. Apparently their being in the World Series upset Kanye West’s plans to take over AT&T park for a private concert as a birthday present for Kim Kardashian.

(as my friend Marty B. said, then it would be T &A ballpark.)

 

 

 

And after a great sports day with Stanford and SF Giants both winning, saw USC lose to Utah 24-21 on a touchdown pass with 8 seconds left. ‪#‎asgoodasitgets‬

 

(although, to be fair. Oregon State alums who live in Kansas City with kids going to USC were not happy today.)

New York’s LaGuardia Airport was the only one in America to make the top ten in a list of the “World’s Worst Airports”. And LaGuardia came in at 10th. Another way in which we’re losing U.S. exceptionalism?

Stay classy, Texas. This tweet from Ted Cruz’s Deputy Chief of Staff, Nick Muzin, tweeted Thursday “Before Obamacare there had never been a confirmed case of Ebola in the United States.”