Posted tagged ‘black friday jokes’

This could go on all day and night….

October 27, 2015

Thanks to ESPN’s insisting that the MLB season start on a Sunday night, and in 2015, April 5, the World Series just got started tonight. Finally.  Millions of Americans have been eagerly awaiting the November Classic.

The World Series was actually delayed tonight over Fox’s unexplained technical difficulties. Maybe even God has had enough of Joe Buck.

But really, Fox having broadcast outage at ‪the #‎WorldSeries‬?   Well, maybe if the network had actually practiced by regularly showing baseball this season?

During the postgame show Joe Buck talked about  ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game 2 “tomorrow in Kansas City.”  Uh, Joe, after 14 innings, more like tonight.

First time I’ve seen even a little bat flip on a sacrifice fly. ‪#‎Hosmer‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ ‪#‎Royals‬

But give Hosmer credit, that sacrifice fly must have felt really good after he picked a really bad time to channel Bill Buckner.

So do the ‪#‎Mets‬ have a special voodoo doll they bury near first base during the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬?

Harold Reynolds, doing his best to match Joe Buck on the stupid scale. “this is about as evenly matched a World Series as I’ve heard people talk about in years.” Uh, except for last year that came down to one-run in game 7?

The NY Daily News reported Tuesday night that Derek Jeter is engaged. Apparently the Yankees really really don’t like being out of the October spotlight.

When  ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game one started Bartolo Colon had barely started shaving.

An injured deer walked into a Rochester, NY, emergency room. Assume the staff fawned over him.

REI says it will close all stores on Black Friday and pay their employees to be outside that day. Hope not too many of those employees decide “outside’ means waiting outside other stores

Taco Bell has introduced new croissant breakfast tacos. Yet another consequence of states legalizing marijuana?

-The Texans have released QB Ryan Mallett after he was late for meetings Saturday and missed the team’s charter flight to Miami. I can hear the cries from Houston now “Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.!!!”

Oracle announced they will build a public charter “Design Tech” high school on its Redwood City, California campus. The idea presumably being to hire some of these kids before they do something silly like go to college.

Walgreen’s is acquiring Rite Aid. Another step on the path to one national drug store change and one airline.

Charles Koch is bemoaning a lack of substance and civility in the 2016 Presidential race “It’s mainly about personalities, and ‘your mother sucked rotten eggs.” Yeah, well, Dr. Frankenstein also ended up not being thrilled with his monster.

Donald Trump’s response to his drop in the polls. “I don’t get it.”   Hey, when he’s right, he’s right.

John Kasich talking about his GOP competition on the eve of the next debate. “I’ve about had it with these people. I want you to know I’m fed up. I’m sick and tired of listening to this nonsense and I’m going to have to call it like it is in this race.”
With all due respect, so until now he’s not been “calling it like it is” why?

Is it too soon to start a pool on the next arrest date for Greg Hardy? ‪#‎Cowboys‬ ‪#‎NFL‬

Alex Kaseberg, co-piloting me on the bus-to-hell tonight.  “After sustaining a serious 4th-of-July fireworks hand injury, Jason Pierre-Paul agreed to terms with New York Giants. Jason was so happy, he gave the Giants a high-three.”

Where did all the blue people go?

November 28, 2014

This is a picture of a mostly sold-out Rose Bowl in the 4th quarter of today’s UCLA-Stanford game.




To be fair,  wonder how many Stanford fans were not only happily watching the game, but wondering, Who is this football team and where have they been all year? ‪#‎nerdnation‬ ‪#‎stanvsucla‬


Stanford’s David Shaw was like a different coach today. Almost like he’s auditioning for a hypothetical open local ‪#‎NFL‬ job. ‪#‎stanvsucla‬ ‪#‎fearthetree‬

Got to wonder, if the elevator “incident” happened after one of his Pro Bowl seasons, would he have been signed by now?


#‎JedYork‬ tweeted at the end of the SF-Seattle game “Thank you ‪#‎49ersfaithful‬ for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.” Wonder how the tweet was received by both fans left in the stadium.

Retailers in Denver had shoppers lining up for “Green Friday” marijuana sales. Of course, wonder how many folks will show for those sales Saturday, or Sunday, or next week….


Black Friday crowds were apparently thinner than average today.. Which might mean Americans weren’t shopping as seriously as usual. Or might mean more of us were sitting home today, drinking, eating leftovers, watching TV and shopping online.

So SF Giants fans are all whining about their rough week because Pablo Sandoval left. And SF 49ers fans are just thinking “Oh, STFU.”

British Airways is going to try to save money by standardizing lavatories in their fleet. Wonder how long it will take U.S. airlines to try to save money by just replacing lavatories with disposable plastic bottles.

Apparently got off to a much better start in the first week of its second year, with 220,000 new signups. Which means the GOP will be in even a bigger rush to repeal Obamacare now that it looks like it’s working.

Thanksgiving is over for another year. And pretty amazing job in retrospect by the NFL. Three games, three turkeys.


Okay, you think you had a tense Thanksgiving with your loved ones. In Pennsylvania a man is recovering in the hospital after his girlfriend woke up from a nap to discover he had started eating dinner without her. So she stabbed him in the chest. (Of course, in Florida or Texas she’d have probably shot him. ‪#‎smallmercies‬)

If the ‪#‎SEC‬ is that good in football why has the team they added from ‪#‎Big12‬ made it to the championship game 2 years in a row? ‪#‎Mizzou‬


Post Turkey Stress Syndrome?

November 29, 2013

Forget Obamacare, the healthcare most Americans really need on Thanksgiving is something to monitor blood pressure and tell them when it’s time to stop arguing with their relatives.

The Bengals-Chargers game in San Diego will be the first NFL blackout this year. Yeah, that’s the way to raise interest in a team that can’t sell out its games – make sure local fans can’t watch.

Meanwhile in Washington D.C., even though the Giants-Redskins game at FedEx Field is a sellout, football fans are wondering, can’t the league be kind and give them a less painful network game to watch?

Brett Favre thought he was irreplaceable to the #Packers . Turns out the QB who really was is Aaron Rodgers.

A few days, Packers offensive lineman Josh Sitton called the Lions defensive linemen “a bunch of dirtbags or scumbags.”  And no doubt after today’s 40-10 game Detroit fans are thinking “how do we get more dirtbags and scumbags?”

Another thing to be thankful for. Most crooks are stupid: In Arkansas, man is under arrest after he “butt-dialed” another man he was allegedly paying to have murdered. The intended victim heard the suspect say to make the killing look like an accident. He then returned to his home with police, where someone had broken in and started a gas leak….

So with stores opening Thursday night many people were faced with a difficult choice after dinner. Leave your family to go to the mall to shop. Or ignore your family to go online to shop.

Scientists hoped the “comet of the century”, ISON, could slingshot around the sun Thursday and be visible to the naked eye in December,. But apparently the comet has “broken up and died.” Chalk up another victim of Obamacare?

From T.C   “A Target store in Jacksonville is giving away free Jaguars gear. A spokesperson said, What else can we to do with all this stuff that’s been returned?”


All this commotion about stores opening on Thanksgiving: Many Americans who were flying, stopping at gas stations, staying in hotels and eating dinner at restaurants, found it very depressing that retail employees needed to work today.

Cyber weekend.

November 23, 2012

If you’re reading this, then for another year there’s one more thing to be thankful for – you’ve survived your relatives.


And for anyone who does Black Friday shopping online,  shouldn’t there be an online game you can click to where you can virtually  trample or be trampled?


As we head towards Cyber Monday, have to think retailers could get a lot more men participating if they could just figure out a way to bet on it.



Hey, if we don’t buy enough crap, we tank the economy. So shopping is actually somewhat patriotic.



New Jersey was hit by a small earthquake. Either that or Chris Christie has taken up jogging.

(and note to anyone who is offended. Christie HIMSELF tells fat jokes,  so the rest of us have dispensation.)

My friend Tarun Reddy points out the Miami Marlins FB status update today: “Skip the lines and save up to 30% on Marlins gear at” Wonder if this also means for other MLB teams that there will be a 30% discount on any remaining Marlins players..



Ben Roethlisberger and his wife Ashley just had their first child, a boy. Disappointing all those who were hoping for a girl so that someday Big Ben could watch her grow up and start going out to bars.

So throwing a challenge flag on a play that should be automatically reviewed not only is a penalty, but makes the play unreviewable? What a shame for Detroit that they didn’t have replacement refs who wouldn’t have known that stupid rule.

Guess it wouldn’t have been Thanksgiving without Ndamukong Suh being a douchebag.

Lots of controversy over Thanksgiving night store openings:. While I understand the problems for employees, it does make a certain amount of sense. Families could go right from watching football to participating in the real American contact sport – shopping.


The Los Angeles Lakers just lost 97-113 to the Sacramento Kings. Have the calls already started to fire Mike D’Antoni?

It’s a Happy Thanksgiving in 49 states.    Dallas lost.


November 26, 2011

No, this isn’t a scene from a potential Power Rangers movie….it’s the one-time special Nike-sponsored Stanford football uniform.

Nike says Saturday’s uniforms -pictured above- are a “metaphor for the pulse of life and the heart that pumps the relentless engine that is Stanford pride.” I think I like “a shameless but eye-catching-albeit-ugly brand promotion” better.

Meanwhile, in the NFL on Thursday night, Poor Alex Smith. Yesterday he spent so much time on his back under large men the 49ers QB was named an honorary Kardashian.

Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh, after being ejected for another personal foul penalty, will be out of action probably for a week or two for the Detroit Lions. Says T.C,, “well at least he has increased his chances of one day being offered a role on the Calgary Stomp-peders.”

On Thursday night during an early Black Friday sale, a shopper in a Southern California Walmart allegedly used pepper spray to keep others away from things she wanted to buy. In the woman’s defense, she claimed she was just in the spirit of Thanksgiving by sharing food with others.

But really, if pepper spray is a vegetable does this make salsa a multi-vitamin?

Harvard upset #20 Florida State tonight in men’s college basketball. This would never happen in football. Between the BCS and the scheduling gods, there’s no way Harvard would ever play FSU in college football.

The latest conservative complaint against Obama is that while he said “God Bless You,” at the end of his Thanksgiving speech the President didn’t explicitly thank God. Fox Radio host Todd Stearns, for example, said “Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God.” Uh, if you asked most Americans wouldn’t they say it’s for giving thanks and praise to family, food and football?

There are rumors that people have developed seizures while watching the movie “Twilight, Breaking Dawn.” Which means millions of men will be telling their wives/partners/girlfriends- “Honey, of course I’d love to see the movie with you, but my doctor recommends against it.

Listening to announcers talking about LSU senior QB Jordan Jefferson’s “comeback.” After he was suspended from the team for allegedly kicking a guy on the ground in the head during a bar fight. But after the charges were downgraded from a felony to a misdemeanor (and the trial will be in the off-season), Jefferson was reinstated. How heartwarming.

And moving onward, another of those serious thoughts: Okay, I get anti-Wall Street, and I get anti-greed. But Occupy protests like Friday night’s to stop shopping in San Francisco’s Union Square? (Didn’t work well, but no one got hurt.)

Sorry while I’m not pro-big-corporation, I am necessarily anti-retail employees just trying to make a living selling stuff we may or may not need.

Are you ready for some shopping?

November 25, 2011

Thursday’s paper – 1/2 inch wide. Thursday’s ad inserts – 2 inches wide. So when are we going to officially change the name of Thanksgiving to “Black Friday Eve?”

All these football games on Thanksgiving supposedly to honor our national sport. Sorry, actually they are the pre-game to the TRUE U.S. national sport — shopping.

The Baltimore Ravens got to Alex Smith tonight NINE times. Yes, nine. That’s more sacks than most dedicated shoppers get at a Black Friday sale.

So tonight’s answer for Jim Harbaugh to the question “Oh, brother where are thou?” “Watching my defense sack your quarterback.”

Ndamukong Suh said he didn’t mean to stomp on a Green Bay Packers’ lineman’s arm. What, was Suh aiming for his head?

Jeno Paulucci, 93, died today. He originally founded Chun King, a brand that sold canned Chinese food. But Paulucci later established Jeno’s Inc, the first and biggest U.S. sellers of pizza rolls. All over the country, joints are being extinguished for a minute in his name.

Black Friday brings to mind a sign seen in London last winter: “Buy more sh*t or we are all f*cked.”

(And seriously – over one in four jobs in the U.S. are in or closely associated with retail.)

Former American Idol finalist Lauren Alaina forgot the words to the national anthem before the Packers-Lions today. On a brighter note, she was immediately offered a gig singing the anthem before campaign events for Rick Perry.

(My comic friend Michael Piccard says, “actually, she didn’t get offered the gig. Perry forgot to call.)

One factor delaying Urban Meyer’s hiring at Ohio State may be the fact that the school, looking to recover from recent scandals, may be concerned about the 30 plus arrests during Meyer’s tenures at Florida. But in Urban’s defense, only about a dozen of those arrestsinvolved violent misdemeanors or felonies.

What some politicians give thanks for on Thanksgiving: Rick Perry, that no one has asked him the three things he is most thankful for, Herman Cain, that no one had camera phones in the 90s, Newt Gingrich, that he only has to spend it with one of his wives. And Barack Obama, that these three are taking turns leading the GOP polls.

The NBA players and owners are apparently trying again for a settlement to “save Christmas for their fans.” “How heartwarming,” said absolutely nobody.

For sports fans who use holiday games as a respite from the craziness, it’s a darn shame they don’t play baseball in November. Because even in the late innings, comebacks are always a possibility. Whereas the Lions-Packers game at the end of the third quarter is OVER.