Posted tagged ‘shopping jokes’

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What’s the word, or rather, the letter?

November 29, 2013

Ohio governor John Kasich has posted a resolution urging state residents to boycott using the letter “M” Saturday when Ohio State plays Michigan. One word. “Orons”

 

Two men were arrested after a fight in a Virginia Walmart over a parking place resulted in one of them being stabbed. If only the other shoppers had been armed.

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Where’s the anti-spam device we really need right now? The one that zaps EVERY message with “Black Friday” in it in our in-boxes.

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Thanksgiving fell on the first night of Hanukkah. Wonder how many Jewish Americans got a little tipsy and tried to light one leg of the turkey on fire?

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Okay, now scientists say comet ISON may have survived its trip around the sun. Or part of it,, or maybe it did flame out. Where’s Monty Python when you need them? “Not dead, sleeping…”

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Maybe we should rename the ISON comet for the city of Green Bay. Because this year it flamed out faster than the Packers.

 

Demi Moore, 51, and Ashton Kutcher, 35, have finalized their divorce. And Kutcher reportedly will marry Mila Kunis, 30. Well at least he’s not marrying one of Demi’s kids.

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Apparently there’s a backlash on Twitter and other social media over Carrie Underwood’s starring in NBC’s live broadcast of “The Sound of Music.” Okay, two things. One, as much as I love the Julie Andrews version, the movie itself was a remake of a Broadway play with Mary Martin. And two, it’s NBC, so who’s going to watch anyway?

 

 

 

The NBA fined him $50,000. And Jason Kidd now says he was just “trying to win” but spilling a drink as a stall tactic was “something I probably shouldn’t have done.” Translation, it would have been much easier to have a player feign injury

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Nets coach Jason Kidd has been fined 50,000 dollars for spilling a soda on the court to stop the game. And in Utah the Jazz coach has to be wondering what it would take to stop the whole season.

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The Baltimore Ravens are angry about Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin being on the field yesterday and keeping Jacoby Jones from scoring on a kickoff return. But rumor has it Tomlin has been offered a contract to join the Redskins’ defense.

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The Washington Wizards have won three in a row and five of six. Can we blame Obama?

The bad news for Fresno State. They lost to San Jose State today 62-52. The good news for Fresno State. They didn’t lose 102-52 in a BCS bowl.

 

 

Fresno State’s loss to San Jose State means that Northern Illinois will probably get a chance to erase their fans’ memories of a blowout BCS bowl loss last year to Florida State. This year the NIU Huskies will probably get blown out by Oklahoma State.

 

 

 

American Express is making their annual big deal about “Small Business Saturday” where they encourage everyone to work with local small companies. Unless that small company is for example, a travel agency that competes with American Express.

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Turkey time

November 28, 2013

This year Thanksgiving falls on the first day of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Perfect. We can start feeling guilty even before we overeat.

 

 

Storms were milder than expected Wednesday, resulting in fewer than expected air traffic delays. Although no doubt airlines looking ahead to next year have to be considering a “holiday weather surcharge.”

 

Three NFL games tomorrow – Green Bay Detroit, Dallas Oakland, and Pittsburgh-Baltimore. With only two teams, Detroit and Dallas, over .500, barely, at 6-5. Talk about Thanksgiving turkeys.

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President Obama pardoned two turkeys Wednesday. And Republicans immediately accused him of turkey appeasement.

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So let’s see, family tensions, check, turkey to make people sleepy, check, plenty of alcohol before and during dinner, check. Sounds like we’ve got all the ingredients for a real adventure as Americans drive to the mall for Thanksgiving night shopping.

 

A Huffington Post/YouGov poll found that 65% of Democrats, 63% of Republicans and 60% of independents said stores should be closed on Thanksgiving.  Wonder how many people saw those numbers and thought  “Let’s head to the mall – less competition for parking spaces.”

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A Pizza Hut manager in Indiana was fired over his refusal to open his restaurant on Thanksgiving day. Well, it’s understandable. He was depriving all those Americans of their traditional pizza and hot wings feast.

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A Michigan car dealer has offered to give away free cars if the Wolverines shut out Ohio State in football this weekend . Presumably all those free cars will be driven by flying pigs?

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A picture-taking tourist who leaned over too far and fell into a gorge at Victoria Falls in Zambia, somehow escaped with only minor bruises. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Aren’t we glad that those in charge of college athletics are focusing on the right stuff? The NAIA has told a Southwestern College basketball player who won $20,000 for making a half-court shot at an Oklahoma City Thunder game that he will have to forfeit the money or lose his eligibility to play college basketball. (Wish this was the Onion.)

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Richard Simmons said that he wanted to help the Obamas with their fitness campaign but that “hey have rejected me totally.” Finally, SOMETHING the President and Michelle have done that will get bipartisan agreement.

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Minnesota LB Erin Henderson was arrested last week for DUI and possession of a controlled substance, the 3rd Viking arrested in 3 weeks. What are they all trying to do, get traded to the Bengals?

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Ryan Braun at a press conference about PEDs. “It was a huge mistake. I wish that I hadn’t done it. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things different. I don’t think I could specifically pinpoint one thing that I regret more than anything else…”  One thing?  Uh, how about Braun’s trying to throw everyone under the bus who accused him, for starters.

 

Southwest Airlines has announced that wi-fi will now be available gate to gate on their planes. In response, United Airlines said that wi-fi will be available on some of their planes, if you get lucky, but they won’t promise which ones, and that’s if the wi-fi actually works. (But in the meantime they’re taking out the entertainment systems so you might have several hours with NOTHING.) #notsofriendly

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Mission accomplished.

December 27, 2012

Another year, another superhuman effort by Santa Claus to deliver millions of toys overnight without a break. Wonder how long until he and the reindeer get investigated for Adderall?

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Netflix’s video streaming service crashed Christmas Even.. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives.

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Ben Affleck has announced that he won’t seek John Kerry’s Senate seat. Bipartisan bummer for women. If Affleck ran against Scott Brown it might the best looking Senate race in history.

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Syracuse suspended two players from their upcoming New Era Pinstripe Bowl game. Shocking! Syracuse is playing in a bowl game?

 

Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi  was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter,  saying the person who did it she was “way uncool,” and saying to “always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.”  “Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I’m really sorry that happened to your family” said absolutely nobody.

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A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked “You can hug your own wife?”

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A 30 foot whale was found Wednesday morning on a New York beach. It would of course be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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Alas for Pacers fans, bad weather forced the cancellation of tonight’s game in Indianapolis. Alas for Wizards fans the weather in Washington was fine.

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Anyone but me thinking it was a lot easier and more fun to root against the Los Angeles Lakers before Steve Nash came back?

 

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Wednesday was the first day of the after-Christmas sales. You know what that means – only about a week until the first Valentine’s Day sales.

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Okay, who’d a thunk this? A hot NBA upcoming ticket is the Warriors vs. Clippers.

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Starbucks employees will be writing “come together” on customers’ cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff.. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal.

 

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6 1/2 more shopping days…

December 18, 2012

A Visa poll found that 16% of Americans have not started their Christmas shopping yet.

These people are called “men.”

 

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What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez.

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The Detroit Tigers re-signed Anibal Sanchez to a 5-year, $80 million contract, and GM Dave Dombrowski said “He’s in the prime of his career.” Well, except how do you really know when the prime of someone’s career is? Usually when he’s past it.

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One good thing for New York sports fans Monday night… the Jets knocked the Giants’ lousy performance Sunday right off the front of the sports page.

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Dina Manfredini, 115, died less than two weeks after becoming the “world’s oldest living person”. Well, that might be the only title with a shorter average life expectancy than being #3 in Al Qaeda.

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Awful that he needed to do this. Awesome that he did it. Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson wrote the names of all the victims  at Sandy Hook school on his shoes for the MNF game tonight.

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Well, slowly our nation is returning to normal. Saw the first headlines in a few days purporting to have the all-important scoop that this time, Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant.

 

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So it didn’t work out for Colbert. But maybe Hawaii’s governor can now appoint Jon Stewart to the Senate.

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Bears LB Brian Urlacher complained yesterday about Chicago fans booing the team at home. Uh, Brian, there’s a way for the team to stop that….it’s called “playing better.” (or if you will, “sucking less.)

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Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera said he’s not sure if his resurgent 5-9 team’s latest 31 to 7 win over San Diego will save his job. Many Chargers fans are just hoping the game costs Norv Turner his.

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Pete Carroll ran a fake punt when his Seahawks were up 30 points yesterday on Buffalo. Did the now-Seattle coach think he was back at USC playing Stanford?

 

For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves – yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter’s mother.

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-“Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.” This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough….

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Cyber weekend.

November 23, 2012

If you’re reading this, then for another year there’s one more thing to be thankful for – you’ve survived your relatives.

 

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And for anyone who does Black Friday shopping online,  shouldn’t there be an online game you can click to where you can virtually  trample or be trampled?

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As we head towards Cyber Monday, have to think retailers could get a lot more men participating if they could just figure out a way to bet on it.

 

 

Hey, if we don’t buy enough crap, we tank the economy. So shopping is actually somewhat patriotic.

 

 

New Jersey was hit by a small earthquake. Either that or Chris Christie has taken up jogging.

(and note to anyone who is offended. Christie HIMSELF tells fat jokes,  so the rest of us have dispensation.)

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My friend Tarun Reddy points out the Miami Marlins FB status update today: “Skip the lines and save up to 30% on Marlins gear at marlins.com” Wonder if this also means for other MLB teams that there will be a 30% discount on any remaining Marlins players..

 

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Ben Roethlisberger and his wife Ashley just had their first child, a boy. Disappointing all those who were hoping for a girl so that someday Big Ben could watch her grow up and start going out to bars.

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So throwing a challenge flag on a play that should be automatically reviewed not only is a penalty, but makes the play unreviewable? What a shame for Detroit that they didn’t have replacement refs who wouldn’t have known that stupid rule.

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Guess it wouldn’t have been Thanksgiving without Ndamukong Suh being a douchebag.

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Lots of controversy over Thanksgiving night store openings:. While I understand the problems for employees, it does make a certain amount of sense. Families could go right from watching football to participating in the real American contact sport – shopping.

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The Los Angeles Lakers just lost 97-113 to the Sacramento Kings. Have the calls already started to fire Mike D’Antoni?

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It’s a Happy Thanksgiving in 49 states.    Dallas lost.

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Letdown?

September 17, 2012

Wonder how many viewers tuned into tonight’s  49er-Lions game and were secretly disappointed by the relative lack of violence? Especially between the Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz.

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Jim Harbaugh tonight borrowed Molly Ivins’ line about Ann Richards to praise his QB Alex Smith, saying he was “tougher than a two-dollar steak.”   And a Golden Corral Restaurants spokesman said,  “Hey, what did we ever do to you?”

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Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he will go to court to force teachers back to work. Which means either he thinks the union has gone too far, or he realizes children don’t vote.

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Have to wonder if the Cowboys will feel the same sense of urgency this week in signing that long term contract with Tony Romo?

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The Patriots fell at home to the Arizona Cardinals. Frustrated New England fans are wondering if they can blame it on Bobby Valentine?

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Dwight Howard in an ESPN interview to air tonight” That’s one of the lessons that I learned, you know. I can’t make everybody happy.” Here’s a hint, Dwight, if you can’t make up your mind, you don’t make anyone happy.

(Even Lebron James is saying,  “Hey, bro, at least I made a decision.”)

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Reggie Bush had such a good day, wonder if we should expect Kim Kardashian to reconsider?

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A new study has 7 signs of being a “shopaholic,” One supposed sign “You experience a rush of excitement when you buy.” Of course there’s a name for people like that, they’re called “women.”

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“I am not a witch” Christine O’Donnell, is considering another run for Senate in 2014, saying “I think I owe that to my supporters.” Not to mention the nation’s struggling comedy writers.

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Love these “bombshells.” The National Enquirer has a headline story about Malia and Sasha’s private school, saying 71% of students said they have attended parties where drugs or alcohol available. Wow. Would guess in most high schools it’s closer to 100%. (And wonder if that counted their parents’ parties.

(as a friend says,  well, that means 29% percent of the kids have already learned how to lie.)

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Stanford’s number 9?! Okay, not too bad after barely beating San Jose State and beating that other California team by a touchdown.

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My favorite statistic from last night’s Stanford-USC game: As the clock ran out in the first half with the Cardinal protecting against a Hail Mary, Curtis McNeal ran for 30 yards. Without that the Trojans would have been in minus numbers for net rushing.

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Netanyahu said today that the U.S. must establish a clear “red line” that Iran cannot cross with its nuclear program if it wants to avoid war. Sometimes I wonder, does the PM realize Americans are not electing a President of Israel?

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Another statement on Libya: “This is a time when we all should reflect on those who continue to give, even the last measure, of service and sacrifice, to promoting and defending America’s interests abroad. This is above all a reminder that politics should end at the water’s edge.” From Jon Huntsman, proving again why he was too sane to make it through the GOP primary.

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Leftovers

November 26, 2011

No, this isn’t a scene from a potential Power Rangers movie….it’s the one-time special Nike-sponsored Stanford football uniform.

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Nike says Saturday’s uniforms -pictured above- are a “metaphor for the pulse of life and the heart that pumps the relentless engine that is Stanford pride.” I think I like “a shameless but eye-catching-albeit-ugly brand promotion” better.

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Meanwhile, in the NFL on Thursday night, Poor Alex Smith. Yesterday he spent so much time on his back under large men the 49ers QB was named an honorary Kardashian.

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Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh, after being ejected for another personal foul penalty, will be out of action probably for a week or two for the Detroit Lions. Says T.C,, “well at least he has increased his chances of one day being offered a role on the Calgary Stomp-peders.”

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On Thursday night during an early Black Friday sale, a shopper in a Southern California Walmart allegedly used pepper spray to keep others away from things she wanted to buy. In the woman’s defense, she claimed she was just in the spirit of Thanksgiving by sharing food with others.

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But really, if pepper spray is a vegetable does this make salsa a multi-vitamin?

Harvard upset #20 Florida State tonight in men’s college basketball. This would never happen in football. Between the BCS and the scheduling gods, there’s no way Harvard would ever play FSU in college football.

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The latest conservative complaint against Obama is that while he said “God Bless You,” at the end of his Thanksgiving speech the President didn’t explicitly thank God. Fox Radio host Todd Stearns, for example, said “Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God.” Uh, if you asked most Americans wouldn’t they say it’s for giving thanks and praise to family, food and football?

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There are rumors that people have developed seizures while watching the movie “Twilight, Breaking Dawn.” Which means millions of men will be telling their wives/partners/girlfriends- “Honey, of course I’d love to see the movie with you, but my doctor recommends against it.

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Listening to announcers talking about LSU senior QB Jordan Jefferson’s “comeback.” After he was suspended from the team for allegedly kicking a guy on the ground in the head during a bar fight. But after the charges were downgraded from a felony to a misdemeanor (and the trial will be in the off-season), Jefferson was reinstated. How heartwarming.

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And moving onward, another of those serious thoughts: Okay, I get anti-Wall Street, and I get anti-greed. But Occupy protests like Friday night’s to stop shopping in San Francisco’s Union Square? (Didn’t work well, but no one got hurt.)

Sorry while I’m not pro-big-corporation, I am necessarily anti-retail employees just trying to make a living selling stuff we may or may not need.

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Are you ready for some shopping?

November 25, 2011

Thursday’s paper – 1/2 inch wide. Thursday’s ad inserts – 2 inches wide. So when are we going to officially change the name of Thanksgiving to “Black Friday Eve?”

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All these football games on Thanksgiving supposedly to honor our national sport. Sorry, actually they are the pre-game to the TRUE U.S. national sport — shopping.

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The Baltimore Ravens got to Alex Smith tonight NINE times. Yes, nine. That’s more sacks than most dedicated shoppers get at a Black Friday sale.

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So tonight’s answer for Jim Harbaugh to the question “Oh, brother where are thou?” “Watching my defense sack your quarterback.”

Ndamukong Suh said he didn’t mean to stomp on a Green Bay Packers’ lineman’s arm. What, was Suh aiming for his head?

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Jeno Paulucci, 93, died today. He originally founded Chun King, a brand that sold canned Chinese food. But Paulucci later established Jeno’s Inc, the first and biggest U.S. sellers of pizza rolls. All over the country, joints are being extinguished for a minute in his name.

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Black Friday brings to mind a sign seen in London last winter: “Buy more sh*t or we are all f*cked.”

(And seriously – over one in four jobs in the U.S. are in or closely associated with retail.)

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Former American Idol finalist Lauren Alaina forgot the words to the national anthem before the Packers-Lions today. On a brighter note, she was immediately offered a gig singing the anthem before campaign events for Rick Perry.

(My comic friend Michael Piccard says, “actually, she didn’t get offered the gig. Perry forgot to call.)

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One factor delaying Urban Meyer’s hiring at Ohio State may be the fact that the school, looking to recover from recent scandals, may be concerned about the 30 plus arrests during Meyer’s tenures at Florida. But in Urban’s defense, only about a dozen of those arrestsinvolved violent misdemeanors or felonies.

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What some politicians give thanks for on Thanksgiving: Rick Perry, that no one has asked him the three things he is most thankful for, Herman Cain, that no one had camera phones in the 90s, Newt Gingrich, that he only has to spend it with one of his wives. And Barack Obama, that these three are taking turns leading the GOP polls.

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The NBA players and owners are apparently trying again for a settlement to “save Christmas for their fans.” “How heartwarming,” said absolutely nobody.

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For sports fans who use holiday games as a respite from the craziness, it’s a darn shame they don’t play baseball in November. Because even in the late innings, comebacks are always a possibility. Whereas the Lions-Packers game at the end of the third quarter is OVER.

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