Posted tagged ‘World Series jokes’

So when is spring training?

November 2, 2017

I miss baseball. That is all.

Men who are Dodgers fans can perhaps at least console themselves with watching Kate Upton w/ her fiance at Astros victory parade?

Ugh, Texans QB Deshaun Watson suffered a torn ACL in practice. Is God really pushing this year for Kaepernick to get signed somewhere?

Notre Dame announced it will stop covering birth control for students, faculty & staff. Did someone tell the football team?

Innocent until proven guilty. But many powerful men being accused of sexual harassment are in He Said/She said/She said/She Said situations.

So Jeff Sessions, 71, admits to lying under oath. Well, since he can’t claim youthful indiscretion will he claim “senior moment?”

New hidden chamber just discovered in the Pyramid of Giza. Was it the site for the first broadcast of “Larry King Live?”

 

Thinking right about now better for Dems to focus on 2017 elections NEXT WEEK than 2016 elections.

Wonder how many reasons Rick Perry can give for his claim that fossil fuels prevent sexual assault?

 

Politics is messy. But lot of folks slamming @HillaryClinton for dredging up election to sell a book don’t have problem W/ @donnabrazile.

In a time when America needs heroes, who knew an unlikely one might be the now former Twitter employee who deleted Trump’s Twitter account?

3 dead in apparently random mass shooting at Colorado Walmart. Not terrorism of course because alleged shooter is white man. #Murica

Challenge anyone to say – with a straight face – that repealing the Alternative Minimum Tax or the Estate Tax is helping the middle class. #TaxCuts

Sam Clovis withdrew from consideration to be USDA top scientist over Mueller investigation. Not fact that he knows nothing about science.

Not I’m against NYC terrorist potentially getting death penalty but since we do need jurors for trial not good idea for @POTUS to tweet it.

Somebody doesn’t know me very well. This invite in my email in-box this morning: Headline “You’re invited!”
The Trump Hotels Travel Specialist course is an accredited online education tool dedicated to familiarizing you with our growing portfolio of luxury hotels in top locations, gateway cities and international destinations. We invite you to learn more about our superior travel experience, customized service, and Trump Hotels’ standard of excellence.

#NotTheOnion From USA Today: Other members of Mar-a-Lago, including South Florida businessman Patrick Park, have said they were promised ambassadorships in Trump administration.

Earlier this year, Park told The Palm Beach Post that he had received a handwritten note from Trump promising him the top diplomatic post in Austria — the setting of “The Sound of Music,” a favorite musical.

“I know every single word and song by heart,” he told the Post. “I’ve always wanted to live in the Von Trapp house.” Park had not been nominated as of early Thursday afternoon.

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Go ‘Stros

November 1, 2017

It was less than 4 1/2 years ago when Matt Cain with #SFGiants threw a perfect game against then the worst team in baseball.

But hey, Astros have been bad so long that the stadium they were named for was built & torn down before they won World Series. #Astrodome

I officially love A.J. Hinch. Letting his pitcher bat in 9th with a 4 run lead. #Dancewiththemthatbrungyou

Fox talking about Jr. Home Run Derby during Altuve AB’s seemed somehow wrong. Most of these kids are taller than him.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers opening day 2017 payroll, $242 million. Houston Astros opening day 2017 payroll, $124 million.  Just saying.

Carlos Correa, with his post game 7 marriage proposal made most women go “aww…”  and most men hoping to pull off the ultimate marriage proposal thinking – “Thanks for setting impossible bar,   a**hole.”

 

On brighter note for LA fans , children in Africa are going to be getting really good looking blue & white Dodgers World Series Champions gear.

Also on brighter note, the 104 win 2017 LA Dodgers did get further than the 116 win 2001 Seattle Mariners.

Not a Dodgers fan, but as a baseball fan have to feel for for Yu Darvish. A class act.

Browns WR Josh Gordon has been conditionally reinstated to the NFL. Let’s hope he doesn’t go to Colorado to celebrate.

Actually while NFL conditionally reinstates Josh Gordon maybe they drug-test members of Browns staff involved in botched AJ McCarron trade?

Papa John’s, official NFL pizza company, thinks player protests hurting their profits. What if Papa John’s & NFL just have lousy product?

David Shaw says in Stanford-OSU game -“It was a gut feeling to stick with Keller Chryst.” Uh, coach Shaw, there are antacids for that.

Another day, another powerful man (men)  accused of sexual assault. Another reason maybe we need to have more women in charge?

John Kelly-“Robert E. Lee gave up his country to fight for his state.” Uh, Benedict Arnold gave up new country to fight for his 1st country.

 

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Before victims are buried from New York Terrorist Attack we’ve got at least two dead in shooting at Colorado Walmart. Nothing to see here. #Murica

And meanwhile, as Trump goes on immigration tirade, 2 are dead on street in NYC East Village from apparent murder-suicide shooting.   More #Murica

Always too soon to start talking climate change or gun control…. Never too early for @realDonaldTrump to start spewing hate.

 

Seeing #TheLionKing trending & happy to see it’s a new Disney movie w/great cast. Not documentary on @realDonaldTrump – #TheLyingKing

Laura Bush on the Trump family “I wish them the very best.” Is that Texan for “Bless their hearts?”

Don Jr. wants Chloe to give away candy to teach her about socialism. To teach her about zoology does he show her pics of animals he’s shot?

No joke, Trump wants to name his tax reform plan “The Cut Cut Cut Act.” Because “Millionaire Relief Act” doesn’t have the same ring to it?

Thinking back to Nixon and Watergate. US did get rid of Agnew first. Maybe we should start working on Pence?

Fast pitch

October 24, 2017

Best thing about tonight’s #WorldSeries game. Big $$$ that FOX is losing on commercials because the game only went 2 1/2 hours.

2 1/2 hours?  Guessing most fans spent more time getting in and out of the parking lot.

Curtis Granderson not on Dodgers World Series roster. So much for great interviews where he could explain  (seriously) his theory that moon landing was faked.

Actual empty seats behind home plate #WorldSeries gm 1 in top 3rd. You’d think anyone w/ that much $$$ wouldn’t need to worry about traffic.

 

I miss the days when the most embarrassing news every morning usually involved the Kardashians.

And if we didn’t have enough to be outraged about, my first Christmas catalog arrived in the mail today.

This time Senators would have to re-title the play about selling your soul for a win from Damn Yankees to Damn Tax Cuts.

Everyone wondering what W said to Obama to make him giggle while Clinton was talking about PR & USVI. Guessing phrase w/ “Virgin” in it.

So much winning. It’s only taken 9 months to go from #MAGA to #AlerttheDaycareStaff

Kid Rock “F— no, I’m not running for Senate. Are you kidding me?” Translation, being amateur in govt doesn’t look as much fun as it did?

 

EPA Sec. Scott Pruitt bought $25,000 secure soundproof communications booth for office. What happened to good old-fashioned cone of silence?

(but seriously, isn’t that what closing doors is for?)

 

Trump tweet on today’s lunch. “So nice being w/ Republican Senators today. Multiple standing ovations!” Would GOP like to say who stood?

Trump claims “multiple standing ovations” today at GOP lunch. If ever a time for those who respect US to have taken knee.

If Trump really did have GOP Senators standing up during their lunch guessing it might have been because too much spice in taco bowls.

Billionaires need a tax cut like financial companies needed relief from class-action lawsuits.

Devin Nunes investigating 7-yr-old Russian Clinton uranium deal story debunked as Fake News. What’s next, more on Obama’s birth certificate?

 

GOP Senate just voted to gut Obama rule allowing class-action lawsuits vs s financial companies. Hey, in Wells Fargo & Equifax we trust.

Let’s be clear, Senators Corker & Flake don’t oppose Trump radical conservative plans, just his style that may prevent getting them done.

3 weeks ago Sunday, some NFL players knelt for anthem & 600 people shot in Las Vegas. Guess which still has Trump’s attention. #Priorities

Bill O’Reilly -“Am I mad at God? Yeah I’m mad at him.” Uh, Bill, maybe it’s “God is coming and boy is SHE pissed.”

When you’re hot…

October 23, 2017

Can we really call it the Fall Classic when it’s going to be 92 degrees for World Series  game time in Los Angeles?

Maybe Fall will refer to fans passing out in the stands.

Now Carson Palmer who will be out for at least 8 wks. If I didn’t know better would think God wanted teams to sign Kaepernick. Or Tebow?

SDChargers fan flying banner over StubHub Ctr: “Dean Spanos Cheap, Inept Weasel!” Same initials, could Redskins fans borrow for Dan Snyder?

Phoenix point guard Eric Bledsoe tweeted “I Don’t wanna be here.” Suns sent him home and apparently plan to trade him. Bledsoe now says he “was at hair salon.” Missing those innocent times when this would have been biggest controversy of the day on social media.

Billionaires need more tax cuts like the NBA needs a longer season.

Bill O’Reilly attacked NY Times reporter confronting him on settlement.     “This is c**p & you know it.”   Right, Fox just paid $32 million for nothing.

Fox News would not have paid $32 million for nothing. Only time they did was for some free agents when they owned Dodgers.

 

Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted  “The average American family would get a $4,000 raise under the President’s tax cut plan. So how could any member of Congress be against it?”

Guessing someone didn’t go far enough in math to learn the difference between mean, median, and mode.    Or hopes that most Americans don’t know either.

Tom Hanks -Trump’s handling of soldier’s death “just seems like one of biggest cock-ups on planet Earth. “Loser Tom Hanks” tweets in 3.2.1..

Trump tweet “There will be NO change to your 401(k).”

Someone didn’t learn from “read my lips” & “if you like your doctor you can keep your doctor?”

 

That moment when Megyn Kelly is attacking Fox News & John McCain is attacking a GOP President.
#whythereisnosatire

Now Trump is accusing a Gold Star widow, Myeshia Johnson, of lying. This is MAGA?

Amazing.  Myeshia Johnson story & so many other @realDonaldTrump controversies would’ve been nothing if Trump could simply say “I’m sorry.”

 

If you’re trolling or attacking Myeshia Johnson, a Gold Star widow who wasn’t even allowed to see her husband’s body, you are deplorable. Period.

Long and the short of it?

October 22, 2017

So if the Astros win the World Series will they ask Altuve if he is going to Disneyland? Even though he’s not tall enough for most of rides?

Verlander named #ALCS MVP. Dodgers trying to talk to SF Giants to see if there’s any way they can somehow still trade for Pablo Sandoval.

 

Confused about all these tweets about #TheWalkingDead Is everyone talking about the #49ers or #Browns?

 

Well, at least Falcons didn’t break their fans’ hearts tonight vs. Patriots.

Took OT to do it but Browns held serve on their quest for 0-16.     Though they were more than matched by 49ers.

After 0-2 start, Saints are 4-2 and in first place in NFC South. Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

Looking like all Cowboys starters could have knelt for anthem, been benched, and Dallas would still have beaten 49ers.

 

With Justin Timberlake doing Super Bowl half time assume it’s too much to hope for that he might do a version of “D*ck in a box?

Maybe it would be faster and easier if all the women in Hollywood who WEREN’T assaulted by Harvey Weinstein came forward?

All these outraged at Federica Wilson calling out President, didn’t seem to have a problem when it was Joe Wilson calling Obama a liar during the State of the Union.

So Weinstein case somehow taints all Democrats, but O’Reilly case is a witch hunt & not like he ever did anything for GOP anyway. #WTF?

WH insists it’s inappropriate to criticize four-star general. Except Colin Powell, John Allen & any others who disagree with Trump.

Jimmy Carter “media harder on Trump than any other president.” Puts Trump in tough position, dare he tell base he agrees w/Jimmy Carter?

 

 

First Harvey Weinstein, then Roy Price, now James Toback. Wonder what other Hollywood men are worried about being next?

John McCain, reminding many of us again how in the pre-Palin days he used to be our favorite Republican: “One aspect of the (Vietnam) conflict by the way that I will never ever countenance is that we drafted the lowest income level of America and the highest income level found a doctor that would say that they had a bone spur….”

From TC   “NBA coach Gregg Popovich has blasted Dotard many times. I wonder if he may offer tribute to him by suggesting to rename his team “The San Antonio Bone Spurs”.

 

No game 8?

November 3, 2016

World Series Game 7 was moved up 8 minutes from a 5:08pm to a 5:00pm start, ostensibly to try to get it over before the rain came. Had it started at the scheduled time, that rain delay, instead of giving the Cubs a chance to regroup, would have happened before the bottom of the 9th, possibly meaning Chapman could not have pitched, certainly giving him more time to stew about the blown save.

Hmm, Hillary Clinton is a Cubs fan, where’s the Congressional investigation?

 

So if #SFGiants really want to win #WorldSeries again in 2017, maybe they don’t need to sign a closer, just another ex -Oakland A or two..

 

Time to start a pool on how much Roger Goodell fines Richard Sherman for this one? “The league isn’t fun anymore….they say we’re trying to influence kids, and that’s their biggest thing. That’s their biggest ploy is you don’t want to be a bad influence to kids. You don’t want to be a bad role model. And I can agree with that. But in the same breath, you can’t say Budweiser is the official sponsor of the NFL, and we’re trying to influence kids. ”

And on the league talking about player safety “That’s for public perception. They don’t care about player safety. But they do care about paying the quarterback $20 million and him missing a season. They do care about that.” #whenShermanisrightheisright

Lots of outrage on the internet because Neiman Marcus is selling precooked, ready-to-heat-and-serve collard greens for $66.  Even Whole Foods is stunned. They would have charged $99.

A Mississippi lawyer is suing Popeyes after he says he choked on a piece of fried chicken. His claim is that because the restaurant didn’t give him a knife, he had to eat the chicken with his hands instead of cutting it into bite-size pieces.
Uh, how about suing his parents, who didn’t teach him how to chew?

#MelaniaTrump gave a speech today about cyber bullying. This is like #BillClinton giving a speech on marital fidelity.

#MelaniaTrump today “Our culture has gotten too mean.” Sounds like she pays as much attention to what her husband says as #MikePence does.

 

Ted Cruz, who famously said at the RNC convention “Vote your conscience,” is now stumping for Donald Trump. But it’s not as Ted is contradicting himself on conscience – he doesn’t have one.

 

Interesting election side note: Both Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump have detractors, and neither are beloved in their own parties, But while many big names in the GOP have publicly turned on Trump, no major Democrat that I can think of has turned on Hillary. And as a life-long Democrat, I can tell you, it’s NOT because we’re the organized party.

 

From an anonymous friend   about bipartisan pre-election “inner peace..

“A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political season, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu hav no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  “In the wake of the Cubs’ World Series title, scholars say that at least 45% of the prophecies of Nastrodamus will have to be researched and re-interpreted”

Same time next century?

November 2, 2016

So expecting the @Cubs to repeat in 2124?

After tonight I am really going to miss baseball. But I am NOT going to miss Joe  Buck.

Clearly the worst position in sports to be in is to have a 3-1 series lead? #Cubs #Indians #Warriors #Cavs

 

Well that was fun, so what time is game 8? #WorldSeries

So many ex-A’s making a difference in #WorldSeries maybe @Athletics should get a playoff share.

#DavidRoss becomes only man in @MLB history to hit home runs off both #AndrewMiller & #MarkGrace #WorldSeries

 

Try explaining this game to someone who’s never paid attention to baseball before? #WorldSeries @Cubs @Indians

And even to serious baseball fans, what  is this sport being played by pitchers who can’t go 6 innings?

Time to just cancel school in #Chicago & #Cleveland tomorrow already? #WorldSeries #Game7 @Cubs @Indians

 

We interrupt warm fuzzy World Series feelings to remind everyone about the Cubs’ owners, the Ricketts famiiy. They launched “Future45,” a conservative PAC who want the 45th President to be a Republican. They spent big against Bernie, and are now spending many  millions in pro-Trump attack ads against Hillary Clinton.

Today is #NationalStressAwarenessDay How could have I forgotten that?

#AnthonyWeiner mess is disgusting enough to make Democrats long for good old days when our most problematic douchebag was #JohnEdwards.

 

Awful morning news to hear two policemen ambushed and fatally shot in Iowa. Waiting for Trump to angrily tweet about the news for his campaign. Oh, wait, American-born white male suspect with a Confederate flag Never mind.

#PaulRyan campaigns across the country for #GOP like he’s playing Password, and #Trump is the secret word he can’t say.

Trump tweet today about how he is “going to repeal and replace ObamaCare. We will have MUCH less expensive and MUCH better healthcare.”
Of course Trump won’t tell us how he’s going to do this. Like everything else it’s a secret….

So some GOP congressmen are now worried about a potential impeachment crisis with Hillary Clinton over emails. Haven’t they been planning already to come up with some impeachment reason on Nov 9? When they could find time between votes repealing Obama.

In North Texas, someone blocked an official polling place sign with a Trump sign, and glued razor blades into the bottom of the placard. A poll worker sustained minor cuts while removing it. #Stayclassy