Posted tagged ‘Miami jokes’

The fat lady was humming, at least….

March 20, 2016

Texas A&M coach Billy Kennedy, when asked about their miracle comeback first said “To God be the Glory.” And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I had switched to the Wisconsin-Xavier game.”

There was a rumor that for the last minute of  Northern Iowa Texas A&M game  ‪#‎TRUtv‬ executives were about to switch to Heidi? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

 

Am confused. Somehow I thought the ‪#‎Pac12‬ was a major basketball conference? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Seven Pac-12 teams in the NCAA Tournament. One, Oregon, left after four days. That Stanford NIT win last year is looking better and better….

Johnny Manziel apparently has hired a super agent in an apparent last-ditch effort to find himself a new team. Hint to Johnny, the reason you’re unemployed isn’t your agent.

Who had ‪#‎MiddleTennesseeState‬ vs ‪#‎Syracuse‬ today? Now all of you liars put your hands down. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

According to Boston media, Pablo Sandoval could be losing his starting job at third base to  25 year-old Travis Shaw, who is making the major league minimum.  Now,  I was okay when Panda said he needed a new challenge,  I was less okay when he started dissing the SF Giants. Apparently mean bitch karma agrees.

Raymond Moore, the tournament director of the BNP Paribas Open, called the WTA (women’s tennis association) “coattail riders,” and added “If I was a lady player, I’d go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were born, because they have carried the sport.”
Just wonder, how many American men tennis players most Americans can name? And also wonder what the odds on Serena playing his tournament again? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Andrew Pratt, a WR from Akron who took part in the university’s pro day, was accidentally shot by a teammate yesterday morning, but will recover. Guess Pratt really has proved he’s ready for the NFL.

RIchard Sherman ripped Roger Goodell for the new ejection after two personal fouls rule, and said “he’s just a shirt.” Wonder how much Sherman will get fined for that?

Kicker Jon Semerene was dismissed from Miami’s football team Friday after a DUI arrest that made in third Hurricane to be arrested in a week. So clearly the “Canes are back to being a major program?

Once again, who knows what really has gone on between Adam LaRoche and the White Sox: But if LaRoche had hit .307 last year instead of .207, pretty sure he and his son would still be at spring training.

 

Who the heck is ‪#‎ScottBaio‬?  (rhetorical question, mostly.)

How times have changed with running for President. We used to talk about “the best and the brightest.” Now the reason many give for supporting John Kasich – “at least he’s not bat-sh*t crazy.”

John Kasich said “under no circumstances” would he run serve as V.P. for Ted Cruz or Donald Trump. Right, like there was no way Paul Ryan was going to be speaker.

Bernie Sanders, dismissing the idea that he should drop out of the race, said “It would be extraordinarily undemocratic to the tell the people in half the states in America, ‘Oh, you don’t have a right to get involved in the nominating process for the Democratic candidate,'”
Of course, with the electoral college people in 3/4 of the states in America are basically being told their votes don’t matter in the actual election.

President Obama is visiting Cuba. Wonder how many conservatives will react saying, “So, not only is he a closet Muslim, he’s also a Communist?”

From T.C.  “The Toronto Maple Leafs have invited Chicago White Sox’s Adam LaRoche and his son to visit their locker room any time they want. As a matter of fact, they can even dress for the game and sit on the bench until needed.”

Nothing is Urban Meyer’s fault

November 1, 2015

Ohio State starting QB J.T. Barrett, 20, was arrested for alleged DUI after police saw him trying to evade a checkpoint. Urban Meyer has suspended him for the Buckeyes’ game against Minnesota, Nov 7, but Barrett will be back for games against Michigan State and Michigan. Well, of course he will. ‪#‎UrbanMeyer‬

Great timing at least on the arrest of OSU’s starting QB, he will be back from his one game suspension in time for the mid-November release of coach Urban Meyer’s new book “Above the Line: Lessons in Leadership and Life.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari drew the order for today’s Breeder’s Cup Classic horse race. Makes sense, Calipari is a good fit with talented young athletes who don’t go to class.

So it wasn’t the  Triple Crown, but ‪#‎AmericanPharoah‬ put on another damned impressive performance. Spend 2 minutes if you can and watch the replay ‪#‎BreedersCup‬

Tim Tebow went as a SWAT officer for Halloween. Good thing it’s just a costume, with Tebow’s reputation for accuracy this is one guy you probably don’t ever want to see in a job needing a gun.

So the RNC is so upset at CNBC parent NBC they have suspended future debates. But Donald Trump, who complained as much as anyone, doesn’t seem angry enough to give up the SNL hosting. ‪#‎nosuchthingasbadpublicity‬?

It wasn’t that long ago that if someone told you Duke was favored over Miami you would think it had to be basketball

So how did Miami score that game-winning touchdown against Duke without the help of the Stanford band?

Better to be lucky than good? Or lucky and good? ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎wideright‬

Royals fans at Kaufmann Stadium were surprisingly nice last year about the SF Giants and friendly to their fans. Just guessing that assuming the World Series goes back to Kansas City, the Mets’ Noah Syndergaard made sure that won’t happen again.

After a costly E-4 tonight for Daniel Murphy, beginning to think that Westboro Baptist Church endorsement might not have been the best karma for the Mets second baseman.

So the 49ers are having a disappointing season, their QB is regressing, and fans are having a hard time selling unused tickets. What does the team do… waive one of the few popular players – former Australian Rugby League star Jarryd Hayne.
Winning with class or losing with an ass? ‪#‎JedYork‬

In California, four cities haven’t cut their water use enough during the drought and will be fined $61,000 apiece – the Coachella Valley Water District, Indio, Redlands, and Beverly Hills. Okay, $61,000 for the city of Beverly Hills?! On Rodeo Drive that’s almost enough to buy a purse.

On Halloween, what could possibly be scarier than the fact that Ben Carson and Donald Trump are leading the GOP polls?

Chris Christie, angry with a NY Times editorial that suggested he drop out of the Presidential race and go back to doing his job in NJ, where he has lost touch. “They are worried I will beat their candidate, Hillary Clinton.”
Uh, Governor Christie, it actually might be proof you’re out of touch if you think the Times has been pro-Hillary Clinton

Just a few goals past ugly?

July 9, 2014

7-1 final. Germany hasn’t rolled over another country like this since…. oh, does this even need a punchline?

This Brazil vs. Germany World Cup game should get us all ready for those thrilling September SEC-cupcake matchups.

How ugly was it looking in Belo Horizonte against the Germans today? Wonder if the Brazilian team considered singing “Edelweiss” and trying to sneak out the back? #toosoon?


#Dodgers score 5 runs off Justin Verlander in 1st, now trail #Tigers 12-5. Are both teams are taking turns emulating Brazil vs. Germany?



Rough day for the Brazilian team. Maybe a record day for Caipirinha sales.


Meanwhile, what a waste. Madison Bumgarner in an AL park with the DH. He was more likely to get a clutch hit than at least a few batters in the #SFGiants lineup.

 

Cleveland has been selected as the site for the 2016 Republican Convention. Stand by for “Mistake by the Lake” jokes.


Sarah Palin recently referred to today’s politics as “incorrigibly disastrous.” Well, if anyone should be an expert on “incorrigibly disastrous…”

(My friend Julia Park Tracey “I didn’t know she was polysyllabic.”)


Two University of Miami football players, both projected starters, were dismissed from the team after being arrested on sexual battery charges against a “physically helpless” 17-year-old girl. Wonder how long it will take for them to show up “rehabilitated” on another team or on an NFL practice squad?

This summer TGI Fridays will offer “Endless Appetizers.” $10 a person – no sharing please – unlimited refills of choices including Potato Skins, , Mozzarella Sticks and Boneless Buffalo Wings. Presumably the offer also comes with a free test for Type 2 Diabetes.


United Airlines has announced they will outsource 630 jobs at 12 U.S. airports in a cost-saving move. So you thought that customer service was bad at Albuquerque; Buffalo; Charleston, Charlotte; Columbus, Ohio; Des Moines,. Detroit, El Paso, Sioux Falls, Wichita, Pensacola and Salt Lake City before…..

Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce again. So guys, they’re available.

John Boehner wants another $3.3 million for another House investigation of Benghazi. Not sure what they hope to find out this time, though it now seems pretty certain that if Congress put as much money and effort into protecting our Embassies and Consulates as they are now into “getting” Obama, Ambassador Stevens and the others would be alive today.

Lebron would feel right at home.

October 24, 2011

The Dolphins led 15 to 0 with less than three minutes to play, when Tim Tebow led an improbable comeback and the Broncos won 18-15 in overtime. What is it with Miami teams and fourth quarters?

Although actually Tebow’s rally did give the Broncos their SECOND win of the year. And kept the Dolphins winless. Wonder if Denver GM John Elway will now bench Tebow for hurting the team’s chances in the race to “Suck for Luck.”

Three interceptions from Kyle Boller, three interceptions from Carlson Palmer, and the lowly Kansas City Chiefs destroy the Oakland Raiders 28-0. If Al Davis wasn’t dead this game might have killed him.

Miami collapsed, St. Louis actually made Dallas look good, and Indy, well, they just s*cked. Wonder if Andrew Luck called John Elway for advice on a good hitting or pitching coach?

How do you beat a #25 team by 44 points and drop in the polls? Ask Jeff Sagarin. After Stanford’s 65-21 win over Washington, Sagarin’s computer ranking DROPPED the Cardinal from #15 to #21. (Behind two-loss Arizona State.) No, I’m not making this up.

Theo Epstein took out a full page ad in the Boston Globe, allegedly to thank the Red Sox for “10 Years, Two Championships, Countless Memories, Infinite Thanks.” Presumably he resisted the urge to add “Prior to me, 84 years, Zero Championships, Countless Miseries, Nyah, nyah, nee, nee, nah, hah.”

Meanwhile in Texas, the Rangers won 4-0, a day after getting destroyed 16-7 by the St. Louis Cardinals. Wonder if Nolan Ryan sent a private jet to Colorado to borrow the Rockies’ humidor?

Michele Bachmann is slamming Herman Cain and other GOP candidates for their “flip-flops” on things like abortion and gay marriage. Hmm, does this mean her new campaign slogan is “Consistently Crazy?”

Got to love banks. My husband is travelling for business in Eastern Europe (9 hour time difference), and Wells Fargo’s fraud system went into overdrive when he took out less than $100 cash from an ATM over there. Three “urgent” phone messages this afternoon and evening. Of course, when he tried to call them back during European business hours, they are closed.


Watched Pan Am, sort of, tonight. So wanted to like this show, but the scripts seem to be written as intelligently as most current airlines’ business models.


And don’t we all feel so safe with all the hassles of flying these days…. Alaska Air luggage workers at LAX found a handgun when it fell out of a bag they were loading onto a flight to Portland. The gun at least was unloaded. But a TSA spokesperson said they check carry-ons but firearms in checked bags are “not the agency’s responsibility.” And Alaska said passengers should “self-disclose dangerous goods.”

But they are so good on those water bottles..

Suspended animation?

September 6, 2011

“Suspended animation.” Is that what they might call a cartoon about the 2011 Miami Hurricanes?


The Hurricanes, with eight players suspended over a scandal about talking illegal benefits from a booster, lost to Maryland tonight, 34-32.

And many in the media were talking about bad breaks and how tough it is for the Hurricanes.

Excuse me, bad breaks are car or plane crashes, or injuries, or random illnesses. Players who have heard lectures repeatedly on NCAA rules regarding boosters and payouts, and then go out and ignore those rules? Sorry, that’s just plain stupid.


Best sign seen in College Park on the sidelines of the Miami-Maryland game: “Two Hurricanes, One Week, No Problem.”


The GOP candidates are just now starting to attack each other as well as President Obama. But it’s going to get worse. If the race was six months further along wonder if someone would say God sent the wildfires in Texas to get Rick Perry off the campaign trail.


Yesterday exactly two FBS (former Division 1 football teams lost to FCS (former D1-AA) teams. Oregon State lost to Sacramento State. And Duke lost to Richmond. The Blue Devils next opponent? Stanford. Probably not the Luck they were hoping for.

While his playing status for the Colts opener is still uncertain, Peyton Manning has been told not to practice this week or do any hard workouts. In other words, pretend he’s JaMarcus Russell.

Michele Bachmann’s campaign manager Ed Rollins quit today, along with his deputy. Rollins said that at 68 he just “doesn’t have the stamina for 12- and 14-hour days every day of the week.” Sounds better than saying he no longer has the stamina for dealing with “bat sh*t crazy.


Despite her anti-union record Michele Bachmann is scoffing at suggestions that she has no business celebrating Labor Day. After all, as she says “I have five children, I’ve been in labor five times.”

The Washington Redskins have announced Rex Grossman will be their opening day starter. Which means even Republicans will soon be likely to agree that President Obama is not D.C.’s most disappointing ex-Chicagoan.

Trivia question of the night. (No fair googling the answer.) Who was the last quarterback to start for the Colts before Peyton Manning? And no, it wasn’t Johnny Unitas.

It’s a brave new world, or something, with all the fertility treatments now available. The NY Times reported on a group of 150 children, all conceived with sperm from one donor, where some of the mothers and kids even vacation together. Previously these sort of “extended families” existed only when the father played in the NBA.

Maryland football uniforms must be seen to be believed. Anyone remember Julie Andrews making playclothes out of drapes in “The Sound of Music.” Maybe they hired her to turn some extra state flags into jerseys.

Lebron James has tweeted “Maryland uniforms…. Ewwwwwww” Yeah, almost as ugly as his playoff performances in the fourth quarter.

College openers – are you ready for some semi-pro football?

September 1, 2011

Although the schools are rivals, Florida State coach is wishing Miami coach Jimbo Fisher “nothing but the best” in dealing with their current scandal. Makes sense, if the Hurricanes get away with it, or find and exploit a loophole to minimize their punishment, the Seminoles can use the case in future as precedent.


At this point despite overwhelming allegations of illegal benefits given to players, so far the NCAA is only slapping Miami on the wrist. And Pete Carroll is thinking, “Had they only come to this mindset sooner, I could have stayed at USC for a few more years.”


So now the Big 12 has 9 teams and the Big 10 has 12. And we wonder why college football players aren’t good at math.


Somehow I think I missed the page in the official MLB rulebook where it states all Yankees-Red Sox games MUST go at least four hours. Even Joe Biden says “these teams go on FOREVER.”


And regarding those increasingly long Red Sox-Yankees matchups, we need to remember, with commercials and other television requirements, playoff games take even longer.

Should the two teams meet in the ALCS, well suffice it to say the game time might be longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

Stephen Strasburg will return to the Nationals to start on Sept. 6. Washington was considering giving him one more rehab start in the minors, and then figured “We’re playing the Dodgers. Same difference.”

San Francisco designated Aaron Rowand and Miguel Tejada for assignment. Which means both players will contribute about as much in September for the Giants as they have all year.

After the SF Giants released two pieces of deadwood (Tejada and Rowand) Wednesday morning, they hit two home runs in that afternoon’s game. Can they release a few more and get more homers?

Inspired by a comment from my friend Neil Berliner: Deja vu all over again. This time it’s an iPhone 5 but once again an Apple employee has lost a prototype device in a bar. Unbelievable. Who’d a thunk two Apple employees knew where to find a bar? (Yeah, I know, there’s an app for that.


I’m still not getting this. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has talked in the past of seceding from the Union. And Perry still believes in states rights, and says he is only running for President because God wants him to. But considering the God the Governor believes in, why didn’t HE tell Rick to secede and run for President of Texas?

In honor of the U.S. Open and to use more positive terminology, the SF Giants have asked announcers not to say in future that the team is being shutout. Instead they should refer to the score as, for example 2 – love. (Or in Monday night’s case “7 – love.)

Condoleeza Rice is the latest to dispute Dick Cheney’s memoir. Rice is denying that she “tearfully admitted” that Cheney was right in saying W. shouldn’t have apologized for claiming that Iraq was searching for uranium for nuclear arms. Well, the claim was pretty unbelievable anyway. Not that Condi cried, but that she would have said anyone else was right about anything.

Football and other felonies?

August 18, 2011

Michele Bachmann said when she is President she will make gas prices come down under two dollars a gallon. Which means Ben Bernanke soon won’t be the only person Texas Governor Rick Perry will accuse of being treasonous.


from Marc Ragovin: After Rick Perry accused Ben Bernanke of treasonous conduct, Karl Rove said that you just don’t make that kind of charge against the Fed Chairman. “You save it for the President,” according to Rove.


The University of Miami just hired football coach Al Golden in December, and already the program is potentially facing the “death penalty.” If the NCAA moves fast enough Golden’s tenure could rival that of George O’Leary at Notre Dame.


Although under investigation, the University of Miami says they have no plans to suspend any current players. Translation, unless the NCAA decries otherwise, expect suspensions – but not starting until after whatever bowl game the Hurricanes play in ths year.

Panthers coach Ron Rivera says Cam Newton will start Friday night’s preseason game for Carolina against the Miami Dolphins. Rivera allegedly also told his rookie QB to relax and pretend it’s just another college game, albeit with a pay cut.

A major league baseball player was placed on the disabled list this week with a shoulder strain that he aggravated by sleeping on it. And shockingly to San Francisco fans, this player is not a member of the Giants. (It was Orioles’ first baseman Chris Davis.)


Goldstar, an online ticket site, has been offering discount tickets to the 49ers-Raiders preseason game this upcoming weekend. Wonder how much they would have to pay fans to fill up the stadium.


Reports have it that Best Buy ordered 270,000 HP Touchpads and they have sold only 25,000. The most common reaction to this story? “What’s an HP Touchpad?”


Regarding that Giants-Mets trade of Zach Wheeler to Carlos Beltran, is it too late to invoke California’s “Lemon Law?”


Last year, Ohio State’s president Gordon Gee mocked the “Little Sisters of the Poor” by accusing other universities of playing them in football. Today he toured a home for the elderly operated by the religious order in Ohio, and promised to be one of their “greatest advocates.”

Then Gee did add that if the sisters had any room on their 2012-13 schedules, he’d love to arrange a game with the Buckeyes.

Abercrombie & Fitch is offering “The Situation” money to stop wearing its clothing. Think the Giants can do that with Barry Zito?

A recent poll shows 79% of Americans give an “A” or “B” grade to the public school their oldest child attends, but only 17% gave an “A” or “B” grade to public schools in the nation as a whole.” This is the same great logic that has had Americans so negative about Congress while consistently re-electing their own representatives.

Drive time:

June 15, 2011

Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.  But wait, it gets better. Turns out according to ESPN that the car was rented and paid for by a female university employee.  Who says that a friend of Harris’s asked to use the car, and paid her the cost of the rental in cash.

The woman added that she had no idea Harris would drive the car, and didn’t even know if his friend is on the team.

Yep, this should silence all those naysayers who say the Ducks don’t have a big-time football program.

(Not sure what will happen to Harris and his friend, but the woman, if she is fired by Oregon, should have a great chance to be hired by Jim Tressel.)

New OSU head football coach Luke Fickell, a former assistant to Jim Tressel, said he had no idea about any NCAA rules violations: “I wasn’t going to say that I had blinders on, but I was very focused. I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.” Considering the cars his players were driving, having blinders on might have been Fickell’s best defense.

Dirk Nowitzki, on Mark Cuban’s comment that he might want to reward the team with something other than “old school” rings – “I think I would vote for a ring. I mean, I’m a man. I don’t know how I’d feel about a bracelet. I’ve gotta go with a ring.” Besides in the NBA, when most players hear “bracelet,” they think “ankle.”

Justin Verlander almost threw his third no-hitter tonight. Most teams look at him and think “I hope we don’t have to face him this year.” The Yankees think “I wonder how he’ll look in pinstripes.”

Crystal Harris has apparently just called off her Saturday wedding to Hugh Hefner. Maybe Hef shouldn’t have told her about that pre-nuptial physical in which the doctor told him he was in good health and likely to live for many more years….

A second judge turned down a request by Prop 8 supporters to disqualify the judge who overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage, simply because the first judge was in a long-term relationship with another man. Makes sense, we don’t disqualify heterosexual judges in all rulings involving traditional marriages.

Mark Cuban left a $20,000 tip at a Miami Beach nightclub after the Mavericks’ celebration party.  Along with a free tip for the Heat ownership – it takes more than three superstars to make a team

For their NBA finals win over Miami, Governor John Kasich of Ohio just declared the Mavericks honorary Ohioans. For their surrender in the fourth quarter, how long will it take for the Heat to be declared honorary French?.

Commie pinko time:

GOP 2000 – George W. will make our strong economy stronger. GOP 2004 – we need to re-elect Bush as the best man to fix the economy after 9/11. GOP 2008 – Bush did as well as anyone could have with this tough global economy, McCain will keep us on the right track. GOP 2012 – It’s all Obama’s fault.