Posted tagged ‘brazil jokes’

Handcuffs are rings, right?

August 17, 2016

North Korean gymnast Ri Se-Gwang won a gold medal on the vault today, but appeared to be crying sadly on the podium. Probably because he wasn’t able to vault far enough from the guards who will be returning him to North Korea.

Members of the Irish Olympic Committee, including one on the IOC E-board, have been accused by Brazilian police of a scalping scheme involving more than 1,000 tickets. There’s corruption in the IOC? Wonder if they’re sponsoring gambling in Casablanca too?

A reigning Olympic diving champion today ended with an amazing belly-flop in the semi-finals. So Ilya Zakharov won’t get a medal. But he has a great chance to win a t-shirt in Carnival Cruises pool games.

Now there’s breaking news that a Brazilian judge has issued a search and seizure warrant for two of the swimmers who said they were robbed in Rio. Made-for-tv movie in 3-2-1…?

 

LeBron James on Team USA “Every time I watch ’em, I wish I was out there.” Uh, does King James mean playing basketball or hanging out on the luxury ship and playing beach volleyball?

Lebron James said his goal is to “own a team.” Well, actually the Cavs owned a lot of teams last season.

#‎SFGiants‬ weren’t as good as they looked 1st half of season. But can’t be as bad as they look in 2nd half. 1962 ‪#‎Mets‬ weren’t even THIS bad.

#‎MattCain‬ allows 6 runs in 1 inning on 2 hits. Flashback to that 1st year of Little League when kids graduated from coach pitch. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Phrase I DON’T want to hear on @SFGiants postgame show. ‪#‎MattCain‬ (as opposed to fill-in-the-blank) pitched better than score indicated.”

Stop the presses, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬  did get a hit in the first inning with a runner in scoring position.

A new Public Policy Polling survey found that three out of five Trump supporters in Texas want to secede if Hillary is elected. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country. ‪#‎letmypeoplego‬

 

Curt Schilling says he’s considering running for Senate to unseat Elizabeth Warren in Massachusetts. Can’t wait for her to tell him to put a bloody sock in it.

Major shake-up this morning in the @realDonaldTrump campaign. Clearly this is @HillaryClinton’s fault

New ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign CEO is Steve Bannon, head of ‪#‎Breitbart‬ News. So guess we’ve found one media outlet the Donald won’t be now attacking

 

So @realDonaldTrump is on his 3rd campaign manager & it’s only Aug. Who knew in a few short months he could have more managers than wives?

Donald Trump apparently sent out a 30 question survey to his supporters asking for help with the campaign. Question 1 is “Which issues are most important to you?” Not listed – “I just don’t want to vote for Hillary.”

 

While Donald Trump makes headlines nearly every day with some outrageous comment, Hillary Clinton continues to run a largely cautious campaign. Clearly she has no regard for US comedy writers – whatever will we do if she is elected? ‪#‎WewillalwayshaveBIll‬?

In honor of Olympics, this post should be tape-delayed.

August 5, 2016

NBC not only tape delays ‪#‎Rio2016‬ they’re broadcasting at different times across US. Good luck if you talk to friends in other time zones.

 

Viewers unhappy at @NBC tape-delaying ‪#‎Rio2016‬ an hour w/ commercials. Except on West Coast ‪#‎OpeningCeremony‬ will be OVER before they start.

 

 

At least 3 NBA players in Rio were seen going into a brothel. Clearly Rio is not ready for the Olympics. Shouldn’t the groupies be in place by now?

A Moroccan boxer has been arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting two maids at the Olympic Village. And presumably also for stupidity – he couldn’t find thousands of women happy to sleep with an Olympic athlete?

The USA men’s and women’s basketball teams are staying on a luxury cruise ship docked in Rio, instead of at the Olympic Village where Andrew Bogut has tweeted about no shower curtains and bed issues.
Carmelo Anthony was asked about it “We have the same amenities as if we’re staying in a hotel, so I don’t really see what the (discussion is about). The beds are not big. The rooms are small. There’s some disadvantages to staying on the ship.” And Carmelo said all this with a straight face

Some Olympic swimmers have been practicing with snorkels as the water looks “cloudy.” So when the events begin will we see the first ever hazmat wetsuits?

Brazil has become the butt of jokes before the 2016 Olympics. ‪#‎ThirdWorldProblems‬. But then there’s the US, where NBC still won’t show events live. ‪#‎Firstworldproblems‬

The new head of ABC has vowed there will be more “diversity” on “The Bachelor.” So this means instead of blond and brunette men, they might go for a redhead?

The ‪#‎Yankees‬ have a press conference today about an impending retirement. Unfortunately for Yankee fans, it’s Mark Teixeira, not ‪#‎ARod‬

 –
Jeff Samardzija was almost looking like an ‪#‎AllStar‬, now looking like he should be pitching in ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ home run derby. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

Mike Henriques, the Oakland A’s strength and conditioning coach, was suspended for allegedly putting a hidden camera in the Coliseum weight room to spy on players. Well, and looking at the A’s record, a lot of good it did him.

 

Go ‪#‎redsox‬. But at some point ‪#‎Dodgers‬ losing has to stop being @SFGiants strategy for winning NLWest.

Scott Silverthorne, the mayor of Fairfax, VA, was arrested today for an alleged “meth-for-sex” scheme. SIlverthorne is also a substitute teacher. Wonder if he did his training in Albuquerque?

 

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  “There’s good news concerning the contaminated water at the Olympics in Rio. The Zika mosquitoes are dying of Dysentery.”

Tom Brady told reporters his decision finally to accept the NFL’s suspension was a “personal decision.” As in personally Brady figured he was spending more money on lawyers than he would lose in the suspension?

 

Here’s another commie pinko journalist attacking Donald Trump: “Here is a truth of life. When you act as if you’re insane, people are liable to think you’re insane…. There’s a clueless quality about him. It’s not that he doesn’t get advice; it’s that he can’t hear advice, can’t process it or turn it into action.”
The writer? Peggy Noonan.

 

The last line of an Los Angeles Times op-ed. Pass it on. The writer is Bernie Sanders: “I understand that many of my supporters are disappointed by the final results of the nominating process, but being despondent and inactive is not going to improve anything. Going forward and continuing the struggle is what matters. And, in that struggle, the most immediate task we face is to defeat Donald Trump.”

And then there were two.

July 9, 2014

Argentina over the Netherlands 4-2 in a penalty kick shootout. Setting up a World Cup final with Germany. Over-under on Nazi War Criminal jokes in the next 4 days?

 

On a brighter note for the World Cup host country, think of all the underprivileged children in Africa who will be be thrilled with their “Brazil, 2014 Champions” shirts.

 

Heard the US has offered to have a ceremony honoring the Brazilian soccer team. Their suggested venue? Wrigley Field.

 

So Germany vs. Argentina for the World Cup Championship Sunday in Rio De Janeiro. For Brazilians that must be like a World Series game 7 featuring the Yankees played at Fenway, or the Dodgers at A T & T, etc…..

 

Headline “Last Year’s Champion Drops Out of Tour de France.” And the response across America “Who?”

 

Sarah Palin is saying she would like to join “The View.” Good thing Barbara Walters has retired. This prospect might have killed her.

After Hobby Lobby, some religious leaders have asked President Obama to be exempted from his forthcoming executive order prohibiting federal contractors from discriminating against LGBTs. But okay, folks, if the point is limiting birth control and abortions, what better sex than gay sex?

An LA jury found the Dodgers partly liable for the injuries to Bryan Stow, ordering them to pay only $4.5 million of an $18 million verdict. $4.5 million!? That’s less than a half-year contract for an average rental player at the trade deadline.

 

Lebron James’ second free agency tour continues without a final decision.  Here we thought Lebron wanted to be Michael Jordan. Appears now he wants to be Brett Favre.

Edward Snowden has asked for an extension on his one-year Russian visa. So, okay, people disagree on if he is guilty of a crime. Snowden CLAIMS, however, “If I could go any place in the world, that place would be home.” So if true wouldn’t you think he’d want to publicly defend himself back home in a trial?

 

 

President Obama today in Texas about the “immigration crisis.” “Are folks more interested in politics or are they more interested in solving the problem?” If Obama has to ask maybe he really hasn’t learned that much during four years in Washington.

Joe Montana, playing in a flag football game which will be the final game at Candlestick Park this weekend “My jersey just got here. I’m pumped, it’s almost time for the game. #cantwait.” Flag football? Have news for Joe. Most of us CAN wait.  Forever if need be.

 

Former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, 58, was sentenced today to 10 years in federal prison on corruption and graft charges. Which in Louisiana means Nagin may be released just in time to run for Governor.

 

“Can’t fix stupid” item of the day. A small Pennsylvania newspaper does a reader opinion feature on various topics, complete with a photo of the responders. And a Bloomsburg University student opined on the Redskins name controversy. Campus police saw the picture, recognized it and arrested him for jumping bail in a DUI case…..

 

 

From Marc Ragovin, on the story about two members of one of the NY Mets’ Single A minor league teams being recently arrested for drag racing.  “I guess this gives new meaning to being on the fast track to the majors.”

 

 

Just a few goals past ugly?

July 9, 2014

7-1 final. Germany hasn’t rolled over another country like this since…. oh, does this even need a punchline?

This Brazil vs. Germany World Cup game should get us all ready for those thrilling September SEC-cupcake matchups.

How ugly was it looking in Belo Horizonte against the Germans today? Wonder if the Brazilian team considered singing “Edelweiss” and trying to sneak out the back? #toosoon?


#Dodgers score 5 runs off Justin Verlander in 1st, now trail #Tigers 12-5. Are both teams are taking turns emulating Brazil vs. Germany?



Rough day for the Brazilian team. Maybe a record day for Caipirinha sales.


Meanwhile, what a waste. Madison Bumgarner in an AL park with the DH. He was more likely to get a clutch hit than at least a few batters in the #SFGiants lineup.

 

Cleveland has been selected as the site for the 2016 Republican Convention. Stand by for “Mistake by the Lake” jokes.


Sarah Palin recently referred to today’s politics as “incorrigibly disastrous.” Well, if anyone should be an expert on “incorrigibly disastrous…”

(My friend Julia Park Tracey “I didn’t know she was polysyllabic.”)


Two University of Miami football players, both projected starters, were dismissed from the team after being arrested on sexual battery charges against a “physically helpless” 17-year-old girl. Wonder how long it will take for them to show up “rehabilitated” on another team or on an NFL practice squad?

This summer TGI Fridays will offer “Endless Appetizers.” $10 a person – no sharing please – unlimited refills of choices including Potato Skins, , Mozzarella Sticks and Boneless Buffalo Wings. Presumably the offer also comes with a free test for Type 2 Diabetes.


United Airlines has announced they will outsource 630 jobs at 12 U.S. airports in a cost-saving move. So you thought that customer service was bad at Albuquerque; Buffalo; Charleston, Charlotte; Columbus, Ohio; Des Moines,. Detroit, El Paso, Sioux Falls, Wichita, Pensacola and Salt Lake City before…..

Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce again. So guys, they’re available.

John Boehner wants another $3.3 million for another House investigation of Benghazi. Not sure what they hope to find out this time, though it now seems pretty certain that if Congress put as much money and effort into protecting our Embassies and Consulates as they are now into “getting” Obama, Ambassador Stevens and the others would be alive today.

Missed it by that much.

June 29, 2014

South Korea says North Korea fired two projectiles Sunday that “appear to be short-range missiles” into the sea off the eastern coast of the country. Or were these Kim Jong-Un’s attempt to hit Hollywood after that “act of war” James Franco movie?

 

 

Cover of NY Times Magazine from June 8 “The World Cup Issue – Featuring Ronaldo. The Man With the Golden Touch.” Who does the magazine think they are, Sports Illustrated? #jinx

Seen on a package of Trader Joe’s Turkey Jerky – “Turkey raised without artificial hormones.” Underneath – “Federal regulations do not permit the use of added hormones in Turkey.”

 

Luis Suarez says in no way was it ‘”a bite or intent to bite.”After the impact… I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent.” I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

When Brazil escaped their World Cup match with Chile by one penalty kick, wonder how many of the 11 players on the team cancelled their one-way flights out of the country?

With a “blowout”, by World Cup standards, 2-0 win today, looks like Colombia didn’t have to fight tooth and nail to beat Uruguay.

On June 13, ESPN’s’ Dan Szymborski wrote an article saying “Calling the NL West for S.F.” Would he like to write another article now saying the Dodgers look like a juggernaut and the Giants look done? #jinx

Fine whine of the day. Serena Williams, after being upset in the third round at Wimbledon “If I’m not playing a great, great match, these girls, when they play me, they play as if they’re on the ATP Tour, and then they play other girls completely different. It’s never easy being in my shoes.”

 

Chris Bosh and  Dwayne Wade have now joined Lebron James in opting out of their Miami Heat contracts to try free agency.  Shame they can’t all take their talents overseas. Would be fun to have an NBA team named “the Swiss Mercenaries.”

Confused about this #WorldCup. I think I’ve now figured out the penalty kicks. But when do they give out the Academy Awards for flopping.

 

 

Nestle recalled 10,000 containers of Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream where the top lid was correct but the cartons said Chocolate Chocolate Chip, And sent out a notice “People who have an allergy or severe sensitivity to peanuts may run the risk of serious or life-threatening allergic reaction if they consumer this product.” Absolutely true, a real mistake, and yes, people should return the product but have to think if you’re deathly allergic, you should be paying close attention.

 

 

#SergioRomo, after 5th blown June save. “It doesn’t deter my confidence.” #SFGiants fans’ confidence, however, just a bit past deterred.