Posted tagged ‘rio jokes’

Flame out.

August 21, 2016

The closing ceremony of ‪#‎Rio2016‬ was tonight. Or if you are watching NBC, sometime next week.

 

Ryan Lochte said he “over-exaggerated” his robbery story. “Over-exaggerated?” Seven syllables to say “I lied?”

On the other hand, for all the earlier worries about contamination, organizers of  the Rio Games have to be happy that the biggest piece of trash in the water turned out to be an American swimmer.

 

SF Chronicle reporting the Oakland A’s Billy Butler apparently missed games this weekend because he was injured in a fight with teammate Danny Valencia, This would never happen in the SF Giants clubhouse. These days none of them can hit anyone.

Six Notre Dame players were arrested. Coach Brian Kelly kicked senior Max Redfield off the team, this after Redfield was sent home from last year’s Fiesta Bowl for a “failure to be punctual.” Senior Devon Butler was suspended “indefinitely,” although he was supposed to miss the beginning of the season with a broken foot. The other four will be subject to “internal discipline.”
Well, the Catholic God is all about confession and forgiveness. Especially if you can play football.

 

A young woman who had just moved from Nevada became the third person in a week to die falling from a cliff in San Pedro, near Los Angeles.  She hopped a wall for a “better view” and tripped on her flip flops. Apparently about a dozen people die at the cliff each year.
Maybe they need to change the warning sign, simply to say “x number of Darwin Award winners made here in 2016.”

So regarding the new “focused and consistent” Trump, I think no one can top the late great Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

New Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway says he “doesn’t hurl insults.”. Of course not. The insults spring fully formed from his mouth, and they are the bestest greatest insults.

Will @realDonaldTrump take opportunity to be less controversial starting Mon, not having to work so hard to take headlines from ‪#‎RyanLochte

A NY Times report found that Donald Trump companies owe at least $650 million in debt. Waiting for the Donald to reply that the Times “doesn’t count good.”

Rudy Giuliani is complaining that the media “fails to point out several signs of illness by (Hillary Clinton).” Once again, Rudy is inviting the media and psychologists to point out signs of mental illness in himself.

New Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in 2005 “The fact is that Hillary Clinton could not stand up to a cheating husband, so how in the world would she stand up to North Korea and some of our other enemies around the globe?”
I must have missed when she said “Donald Trump cannot be faithful to his marriage vows, how in the world can he be faithful to the Constitution?”

From T.C.  – “The U.S. 4 x 100 men’s relay team didn’t win their appeal. On the other hand they stopped short  of saying they were robbed in Rio.”

Handcuffs are rings, right?

August 17, 2016

North Korean gymnast Ri Se-Gwang won a gold medal on the vault today, but appeared to be crying sadly on the podium. Probably because he wasn’t able to vault far enough from the guards who will be returning him to North Korea.

Members of the Irish Olympic Committee, including one on the IOC E-board, have been accused by Brazilian police of a scalping scheme involving more than 1,000 tickets. There’s corruption in the IOC? Wonder if they’re sponsoring gambling in Casablanca too?

A reigning Olympic diving champion today ended with an amazing belly-flop in the semi-finals. So Ilya Zakharov won’t get a medal. But he has a great chance to win a t-shirt in Carnival Cruises pool games.

Now there’s breaking news that a Brazilian judge has issued a search and seizure warrant for two of the swimmers who said they were robbed in Rio. Made-for-tv movie in 3-2-1…?

 

LeBron James on Team USA “Every time I watch ’em, I wish I was out there.” Uh, does King James mean playing basketball or hanging out on the luxury ship and playing beach volleyball?

Lebron James said his goal is to “own a team.” Well, actually the Cavs owned a lot of teams last season.

#‎SFGiants‬ weren’t as good as they looked 1st half of season. But can’t be as bad as they look in 2nd half. 1962 ‪#‎Mets‬ weren’t even THIS bad.

#‎MattCain‬ allows 6 runs in 1 inning on 2 hits. Flashback to that 1st year of Little League when kids graduated from coach pitch. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Phrase I DON’T want to hear on @SFGiants postgame show. ‪#‎MattCain‬ (as opposed to fill-in-the-blank) pitched better than score indicated.”

Stop the presses, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬  did get a hit in the first inning with a runner in scoring position.

A new Public Policy Polling survey found that three out of five Trump supporters in Texas want to secede if Hillary is elected. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country. ‪#‎letmypeoplego‬

 

Curt Schilling says he’s considering running for Senate to unseat Elizabeth Warren in Massachusetts. Can’t wait for her to tell him to put a bloody sock in it.

Major shake-up this morning in the @realDonaldTrump campaign. Clearly this is @HillaryClinton’s fault

New ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign CEO is Steve Bannon, head of ‪#‎Breitbart‬ News. So guess we’ve found one media outlet the Donald won’t be now attacking

 

So @realDonaldTrump is on his 3rd campaign manager & it’s only Aug. Who knew in a few short months he could have more managers than wives?

Donald Trump apparently sent out a 30 question survey to his supporters asking for help with the campaign. Question 1 is “Which issues are most important to you?” Not listed – “I just don’t want to vote for Hillary.”

 

While Donald Trump makes headlines nearly every day with some outrageous comment, Hillary Clinton continues to run a largely cautious campaign. Clearly she has no regard for US comedy writers – whatever will we do if she is elected? ‪#‎WewillalwayshaveBIll‬?

Man in the mirror?

August 12, 2016

A-Rod said today to Pedro Gomez he wants to be remembered as “someone who is madly in love with the game of baseball.”
Almost as much as he is in love with himself?!

Katie Ledecky makes other swimmers feel like those other horses must have felt with Secretariat in the Belmont Stakes.

Anthony Ervin, 35, won the 50M freestyle. At which point he probably turned around & said “You punks get out of my pool.” ‪#‎Rio2016‬

The US Women’s Soccer team has been knocked out before the medal round. Who do they think they are, the men? ‪#‎USWNT‬ ‪#‎RIo2016‬

Hope Solo after the US Women’s soccer team lost to Sweden – “I also think we played a bunch of cowards. But, you know, the best team did not win today.”
Once again, proving women can be the equal of men. Including in being sore losers.

A CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) announcer called Ryan Lochte the winner of 200m medley instead of Michael Phelps. Well, that’s the trouble with Americans, we all look alike.

So NBC decided to televise five swimming events live Friday night. Except on the West Coast. So swimming is a sport in most of the country and reality TV out west? ‪#‎SMH‬

#‎Olympics‬ diving pool so green it was temporarily closed. At this point divers may hope worst they catch at ‪#‎Rio2016‬ is Zika. ‪#‎Poolgate‬

A-Rod wanted to play 3rd base in his final game with the Yankees. Joe Girardi said no – “”We are still in the business of trying to win games.”
Right, that’s why New York traded away their star closer AND their star set-up man

Burger King has a new “Whopperito,” basically ground beef with cheese sauce, lettuce, onion and tomato wrapped up in a tortilla. The company president said “We know Tex-Mex is growing a lot … and there are not that many national chains that sell burritos,”
Guess none of the names rang a bell?

 

When does ‪#‎BruceBochy‬ start saying postgame “They are who we thought they were.”? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

JetBlue is reporting that 24 people were hospitalized due to turbulence on one of their flights. Shouldn’t they say that 24 people were hospitalized due to not wearing their seat belts?

American Airlines for the win today “Rather than wait on hold we can call you back when it’s your turn. Between 1 hour and 2 minutes and 1 hour and 20 minutes from now.”

Now Donald Trump tweeted “Ratings challenged @CNN reports so seriously that I call President Obama (and Clinton) “the founder” of ISIS, & MVP. THEY DON’T GET SARCASM?’
So if he were to start WW3 by threatening to bomb Russia or China the Donald’s response would be “can’t they take a joke?”

The NY Times has filed a request to unseal the records from Donald Trump’s first divorce, saying they could speak to his “credibility and character.” So the Times may not “write good” but maybe they “revenge good.”

It’s not easy being green.

August 10, 2016

And now both an Olympic diving pool and swimming pool have turned green. Maybe we could have done with Michael Phelps’ saying that everyone pees in the pool.

 

So today the multi-millionaire NBA superstar players living on a secured luxury ship had a somewhat close win over a team with 2-3 NBA players living in dorm conditions. Ah, the Olympic dream. USA! USA! USA! ‪#‎USAvsAustralia‬.

Not sure the real explanation as to why the water in ‪#‎Olympics‬ diving pool is green.  But it’s one way to get divers out of the pool promptly post dive.

 

 

Nice showing by ‪#‎Switzerland‬ against ‪#‎USA‬ But really “beach volleyball” in Switzerland? Makes as much sense as ‪#‎AmericasCup‬ there. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Can we stop referring to ‪#‎SFGiants‬ on 2nd & 3rd base as “Runners In Scoring Position.” It’s just getting cruel.

But today the Giants did manage to win 1-0 without a single hit with runners in scoring position.  (Crawford home run)

My day job is in the travel business. Somebody just sent me an invitation to become a Trump hotel specialist. Somebody doesn’t know me very well.

A partial power loss on the new light-rail line to Denver International Airport is causing delays. But I am sure the airlines will be as sympathetic to passengers as they expect travelers to be when carriers themselves have delays. ‪#‎Sarcasm‬

Let’s put what Trump said another way. What if Hillary Clinton stood up at a rally and said, “If we elect Donald Trump he will appoint judges to overturn Roe v. Wade. nothing you can do, ladies. Although you Second Amendment women, maybe there is, I don’t know….”
I’m sure the Donald would laugh it off.

 

One of many criticisms of Hillary Clinton is that she made money after leaving office, and now is running for President. Especially after when Giuliani, Romney, Jeb Bush all left office they never did anything for profit before they decided to run…. ‪#more‎sarcasm‬

So ‪#‎MaliaObama‬ might have smoked a joint at a Chicago concert. Kudos to @POTUS & @FLOTUS for raising a normal child.

Man arrested today for climbing ‪#‎TrumpTower‬. Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to tweet ‪#‎TweetTower‬ has best climbers ever, better than Everest.

Donald Trump is blaming yet another controversy, the one involving “Second Amendment people” on the media. Yep, the dastardly media, who persist in reporting exactly what he says.

This text exchange just was revealed between two of Chris Christie’s top aides during the New Jersey Governor’s 2013 press conference about Bridgegate:
“Are you listening? He just flat out lied about senior staff and Stepien not being involved.”
“I’m listening. Gov is doing fine. Holding his own up there.”
“Yes. But he lied. And if emails are found with the subpoena or emails are uncovered in discovery if it comes to that it could be bad.”
Time for the GOP to start talking about Hillary’s emails again.

Bill Littlejohn reports that “Tim Tebow says he doesn’t want to be a ‘sideshow’ in baseball.Right–he’s not done being one in football”

Getting late early.

August 7, 2016

Guessing ‪#‎MichaelPhelps‬‘ next retirement speech will be breaking news before @NBC shows most of his ‪#‎Rio2016‬ performances.

Just wonder, if NBC is so sure that women prefer packaged events, why don’t they do two Sunday Night Footballs?  One for guys, and another Monday night with twice as many commercials and edited highlights along with personal stories about the players?

Olympic rowing has been canceled today due to high winds. On a brighter note maybe the wind will blow some of the sewage away.

An Olympic kayaker apparently capsized today when he ran into a sofa. Well, at least the sofa didn’t have a body on it.

So @NBC thinks women don’t care about live sports. or might need to get up early. Top ‪#‎Rio2016‬ events tape delayed  past 1130p. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Serena and Venus Williams were bounced in the first round of the women’s doubles at the Rio 2016 Olympics. Although by the time NBC gets around showing it on tape delay no doubt one of them will already have won another tournament.

#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ has lost 2 complete games 1-0 in 2016. More complete games than most pitchers throw all season. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

#‎ARod‬ will retire Friday. So he’ll be contributing about as much to the ‪#‎Yankees‬ offense as he has been all season.

 

#‎ARod‬ released by ‪#‎Yankees‬. He will serve as an “advisor”but technically he could sign w/ another team. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not that desperate. Yet.

Having traded two star relievers and with A-Rod retiring, the Yankees are becoming a team of no-names. But those no-names will still get a lot more national TV exposure than the players on the division leading Orioles, Indians and Rangers.

 

Quite a love fest from former 49ers players etc for Eddie Debartolo on his election to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. But not much mention of 1992 allegations of him sexually assaulting a waitress in California, and the reported $200,000 out-of-court settlement. Boys will be boys and owners will be owners?

Jeb Bush’s son George P. Bush, a Texas Land Commissioner, is now saying his fellow Republicans should support Donald Trump. And somewhere W. is thinking, “now who’s the stupid one?”

Oliver North is attacking Obama over an alleged ransom payment to Iran for hostages. So Ollie thinks the President was too wimpy to send them arms instead?

 

John Kasich has indicated he can’t support Donald Trump, and it will be “very very difficult” for Trump to win Ohio. But Kasich also says he thinks a Clinton White House would result in “total gridlock.”
As opposed to what we have now?

 

Donald Trump announced that he would ‘walk’ from Japan, Germany, South Korea and other allies if they don’t commit to defending America and or paying their “fair share” of NATO fees.
This guy is gunning for a new game “Trump Insult Bingo.” Wouldn’t be hard to win.

 

From T.C., as it approaches football season: “Seattle head coach Pete Carroll has been given a three-year extension with the Seahawks.  Owner Paul Allen figures that should be more than enough time for Carroll to design a play that will score a TD from the one-yard line.” . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blame it all on women in Rio.

August 6, 2016

Statement from NBC’s Chief Marketing Officer John Miller last month about their tape delayed coverage “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the Games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey.”  #nottheOnion

 

So NBC tape delays ‪#‎Olympics‬ because women don’t like sports & prefer reality TV. On behalf of all women fans to NBC – Bless your heart

Maybe @NBC’s offensive comments about women and watching sports are just a blatant attempt to steal viewers from @FoxNews? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

 

Loved watching ‪#‎Olympics‬ as a child in all kinds of time zones. Waiting to see a world record 4 hr later just doesn’t compare. @NBC sucks.

 

As much as I don’t look forward to Fox and ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ having ‪#‎SuperBowl2017‬ at least they won’t put it on tape delay because of women. @NBC

Nigeria’s team almost late to ‪#‎Olympics2016‬ because of problem w/ charter flight. They made mistake of contracting with a Nigerian prince?

An American won the first gold of the Summer Olympics, in the 10 meter air rifle. Well, and shouldn’t we be the best at shooting guns? We have the most of them.

Meanwhile,  North Korea is at the ‪#‎OlympicGames‬ And their official state newspaper is already reporting on the dozen medals they have won.

A French gymnast broke his leg while competing in a vaulting event today. Gymnastics fans are thinking “how horrible.” Wonder how many non fans are thinking “Hmm, now that I might tune in to watch.”

 

These ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ basketball games have all the drama of ‪#‎SEC‬ college football games – like this year’s Alabama vs Western Kentucky. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

The story now is that the Team USA basketball players who ended up in a Rio brothel were there accidentally because they thought it was a spa. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Going into today’s SF Giants vs. Washington Nationals game:  Matt Cain. 3-6, 5.53 ERA, Stephen Strasburg, 15-1, 2.63 ERA   #soyouaresayingtheresachance

The Yankees have a press conference scheduled tomorrow, possibly about Alex Rodriguez, who will make $21 million this year, and is owed $21 million next year, whether or not he plays. To put that in perspective, the Astros payroll this year is $69 million.

Brett Favre said tonight that his Hall of Fame induction speech was “harder than any third-and-15.” Maybe because Favre realizes that no HOFer has ever rescinded his retirement?

 

Marco Rubio said today that a pregnant woman infected with Zika virus, even if she thinks the child would be born with severe microcephaly, does not have the right to an abortion.
And of course the Florida senator also proposed that government should pay for lifetime care for such a child. Oh, wait, never mind.

Donald Trump’s latest “Unstable Hillary Clinton, lacks the judgment, temperament and moral character to lead this country..She’s really pretty close to unhinged, and you’ve seen, you’ve seen it a couple times…she’s like an unbalanced person.”
Guess it’s not just Melania’s speechwriter who’s stealing phrases from Democrats.