Posted tagged ‘Canada jokes’

Blame it all on women in Rio.

August 6, 2016

Statement from NBC’s Chief Marketing Officer John Miller last month about their tape delayed coverage “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the Games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey.”  #nottheOnion

 

So NBC tape delays ‪#‎Olympics‬ because women don’t like sports & prefer reality TV. On behalf of all women fans to NBC – Bless your heart

Maybe @NBC’s offensive comments about women and watching sports are just a blatant attempt to steal viewers from @FoxNews? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

 

Loved watching ‪#‎Olympics‬ as a child in all kinds of time zones. Waiting to see a world record 4 hr later just doesn’t compare. @NBC sucks.

 

As much as I don’t look forward to Fox and ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ having ‪#‎SuperBowl2017‬ at least they won’t put it on tape delay because of women. @NBC

Nigeria’s team almost late to ‪#‎Olympics2016‬ because of problem w/ charter flight. They made mistake of contracting with a Nigerian prince?

An American won the first gold of the Summer Olympics, in the 10 meter air rifle. Well, and shouldn’t we be the best at shooting guns? We have the most of them.

Meanwhile,  North Korea is at the ‪#‎OlympicGames‬ And their official state newspaper is already reporting on the dozen medals they have won.

A French gymnast broke his leg while competing in a vaulting event today. Gymnastics fans are thinking “how horrible.” Wonder how many non fans are thinking “Hmm, now that I might tune in to watch.”

 

These ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ basketball games have all the drama of ‪#‎SEC‬ college football games – like this year’s Alabama vs Western Kentucky. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

The story now is that the Team USA basketball players who ended up in a Rio brothel were there accidentally because they thought it was a spa. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Going into today’s SF Giants vs. Washington Nationals game:  Matt Cain. 3-6, 5.53 ERA, Stephen Strasburg, 15-1, 2.63 ERA   #soyouaresayingtheresachance

The Yankees have a press conference scheduled tomorrow, possibly about Alex Rodriguez, who will make $21 million this year, and is owed $21 million next year, whether or not he plays. To put that in perspective, the Astros payroll this year is $69 million.

Brett Favre said tonight that his Hall of Fame induction speech was “harder than any third-and-15.” Maybe because Favre realizes that no HOFer has ever rescinded his retirement?

 

Marco Rubio said today that a pregnant woman infected with Zika virus, even if she thinks the child would be born with severe microcephaly, does not have the right to an abortion.
And of course the Florida senator also proposed that government should pay for lifetime care for such a child. Oh, wait, never mind.

Donald Trump’s latest “Unstable Hillary Clinton, lacks the judgment, temperament and moral character to lead this country..She’s really pretty close to unhinged, and you’ve seen, you’ve seen it a couple times…she’s like an unbalanced person.”
Guess it’s not just Melania’s speechwriter who’s stealing phrases from Democrats.

Holi-daze?

July 1, 2016

For all my Canadian friends, Happy (now belated)  Canada Day. For my American friends, might be important to remember July 1 matters up north, in case you were thinking of moving if Trump wins in November.

 

Bill Clinton met briefly but privately with Attorney General Loretta Lynch this week in Phoenix. And of course some allege that they might have talked about the email investigation.
So the former President was alone with a woman and the rumors aren’t about sex? How the mighty have fallen.

#‎Lakers‬ signed ‪#‎TimofeyMozgov‬ to a $64 million contract. Even the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ think that’s overspending for mediocre talent.

OJ Mayo has been suspended from the NBA for 2 years for violating the league’s drug testing program. This is the same Mayo who played one year at USC, was ruled to have accepted improper benefits, got the school’s wins vacated and then entered the draft. Not that I am a Trojans fan but have to admire mean bitch Karma in delayed mode.

‪#‎Iceland‬ has become so popular with their ‪#‎EURO2016‬ run, if this keeps up some Americans will even learn to find it on a map.

One more thought for the day on Madison Bumgarner hitting. Now, he may not be the best hitter on the team by a longshot. But how many other pitchers do fans time their concession-bathroom-whatever breaks around making sure you don’t miss an at-bat? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎PitcherswhoRake‬

 

And sure, all SF Giants fans knew the team would start off July with a win thanks to Grant Green, Jarrett Parker, and Conor Gillaspie.

Reports now indicate that Kevin Durant is “90% likely” to stay with the Thunder. So all of this media free-agent hype may be about as accurate as the supermarket tabloids regularly promising celebrity divorces.

At Machu Picchu, a man entered a restricted area, and asked someone to take his picture leaping in the air. He then leapt, fell of a cliff, and died. Not often you get a Darwin Award and an Incan sacrifice at the same time.

So has a team from ‪#‎Cleveland‬ lost since game 4 of the ‪#‎NBAfinals‬? ‪#‎Indians‬ ‪#‎Cavs‬

(my friend Richard Rothschild tells me, well, actually since before game 6.)

On Delta’s website today, fares from San Francisco to Detroit were apparently showing up for over $13,000 roundtrip, in coach. Well, that’s absurd. Who would ever think it would cost that much for a domestic airfare. Now by the time you add fees….maybe.

Trump spoke today in Denver following Sarah Palin. So he did that because after Palin there’s a CHANCE the Donald looks sane by comparison?

A Miami strip club bartender wanted to spend some time with a man who wasn’t her husband, so she told hubby she had been kidnapped. He called the cops, she got arrested. Uh, she couldn’t have found ONE friend to say it was a girls’ weekend? ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Butyoucanarreststupid‬

Now Al Qaeda and ISIS are both claiming credit for a hostage situation in Bangladesh. I do suppose it’s too much to hope that they might get mad enough to start shooting and bombing each other.

Donald Trump, on the Supreme Court’s 5-3 Texas abortion clinic ruling: “Now if we had—Scalia was living, or if Scalia was replaced by me, you wouldn’t have had that, OK? It would’ve been the opposite.”
Because 5-4 is the opposite of 5-3? The Donald is not only not qualified to be President, he’s not qualified to teach 2nd grade math.

Playoffs, eh?

May 14, 2016

So the Air Canada Centre in Toronto is hosting an NBA  playoff game 7 on Sunday. And  Maple Leafs fans are going “What’s a game 7?”

(one of myCanadian friends says they are asking “what’s a playoff?)

The losers of the Ohio State spring football game were penalized by having to shovel mulch.  Of course, if Urban Meyer really wants to motivate players, he could make the losers go to class.

Well, if you believe in redemption, here’s your potential made-for-TV sports movie story of the day. Matt Bush was the #1 MLB draft pick in 2004, and went off the rails big time. Drunken fights, accusations of assault, and finally 3 years in jail prison a DUI causing serious injury. He was released last December. And today the Texas Rangers have called him up to the big leagues. Who knows, maybe there’s hope for Johnny Manziel.

 

A New York celebrity vegan chef who ran a restaurant called Pure Food and Wine has been arrested in Tennessee after a months’ long chase after she allegedly didn’t pay wages, and cheated on taxes etc. The best part of this, she and her husband were caught after they ordered a Domino’s pizza.

SF Giants’ closer Santiago Casilla, upset when manager Bruce Bochy pulled him in the 9th with two outs, and a 4-2 lead, after he had loaded the bases, the last on a 4 pitch walk, and was facing a batter who hit a home run against him last time. “It’s my opportunity to find out who’s who…. You have to let me try to see if I can get him out.”
Uh, or maybe you have to let Bochy try to see if the Giants could win the game?

 

(although curiously enough three things happened Friday.  1. Casilla apologized.  2. Bochy gave him another chance. 3. He struck out both batters.)

 

If it’s all about keeping children safe from potential predators, waiting for someone to demand that priests be kept out of men’s rooms.

Donald Trump to a reporter who asked about his tax returns: “It’s none of your business, you’ll see it when I release.”
Ah yes, only the little people answer questions about their taxes.

Apparently a man offering “free hugs” in Times Square slugged a Canadian woman in the face after she refused to tip him. Well, or maybe that’s his idea of a New York hug.

 

Jose Reyes was suspended 51 days over his domestic violence arrest. Imagine if he had done something really serious, like buying an over-the-counter supplement in the Dominican Republic.

Show some respect, eh?

May 8, 2016

It takes some work to make Canadians angry. But Dwyane Wade managed to do it, by taking warm up shots during the Canadian national anthem. On the other hand, the Raptors, who sometimes seem to have trouble getting fired up, won the game. So maybe Wade should keep up the “Oh Canada” shooting.

 

Major league teams are selling today’s Mother’s Day equipment and uniforms to raise money for breast cancer research. Although the SFGiants. who lost 2-0, and were 0-6 with runners in scoring position,  won’t be able to market them as actual “game-used” bats.

An unknown person in New Jersey has won the $429 million Powerball lottery. His or her first act with the winnings will no doubt be to move out of New Jersey.

Americans apparently spend over $21 billion on Mother’s Day. Wow. To be fair, at least $1 billion of that must be spent by players in the NBA.

 

#‎Hawks‬ have now joined the ‪#‎Braves‬ in making ‪#‎Atlanta‬ fans really look forward to the ‪#‎Falcons‬.

The Yankees are in last place and worse, ticket sales are way down. Not sure what the team will do. Maybe they can sign Kobe Bryant for a one year contract so he can sit the bench and do a baseball version of his farewell tour?

Ted Cruz apparently feels now that he could have stopped Donald Trump, if Marco Rubio had only agreed to become his running mate in March. Got news for Ted, the bottom half of the ticket wasn’t why Americans “Just Said No” to him.

Former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer said she’d be willing to be Donald Trump’s running mate. Waiting for Hillary Clinton to second that choice in female solidarity.

 

Sarah Palin on Paul Ryan “His political career is over.” Well, ‪#‎takesonetoknowone‬

 

 

Mississippi State has confirmed that a student died when he fell off of the football stadium Jumbotron at 1:30am Saturday morning. Sad, but just guessing alcohol gets an assist on this Darwin award.

To save money, Dropbox is apparently cutting back on some of its perks. The company is pushing free dinner from 6pm to 7pm, and limiting guests to five a month. ‪#‎Getouttheviolins‬

 

David Maloney is an  Alabama attorney who has run commercials talking about how he turns out down drunk drivers as clients. ” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you drink and you drive and you hurt someone, don’t call me. I’m not going to represent you, I’m not going to help you. If anything, I’m going to be the lawyer going after you.”

Maloney was arrested this weekend in Florida. For alleged DUI.  Well, guess he won’t be one of those fools who has himself for a client.  #meanbitchkarmahasacousinhubris

 

 

Dynasty, eh?

October 19, 2015

This is Canada’s new “first family.”  Think suddenly Bill Clinton has extra enthusiam for that potential “First Lady hanging out with wives” role?

Xavier Trudeau covers his eyes as Liberal leader Justin Trudeau watches the results with his wife Sophie Gregoire at a hotel in downtown Montreal on Monday, Oct. 19, 2015. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Paul Chiasson

And just think, in 2017 any treaties between Canada and the U.S. could be negotiated by a Trudeau and either a Bush or a Clinton. Sure glad we broke away from England so we could get rid of that whole idea of being led by royal families.

For Canada fans of politics and sports; New PM Justin Trudeau is exactly one year and 4 days older than Blue Jays reliever LaTroy Hawkins.

Canada voted today to elect a new Parliament and Prime Minister. Apparently a CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) host complained that the two-and-a-half-month campaign was “historically long:” Can’t top John Oliver on this one – “Thinking 78 days is a long campaign is absolutely adorable.”

Meanwhile, Joe Biden apparently will make a decision this week on entering the Presidential race. If he decides to run, Biden’s campaign kickoff speech will be scheduled for Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Apparently tickets for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, opening December 18, are now available online. Assume most of the early sales are single tickets.

So when did ‪#‎RogersCentre‬ in Toronto turn into ‪#‎CoorsField‬? ‪#‎ALDS‬ ‪#‎KCvsToronto‬

Eagles fans are upset because someone put a NY Giants jersey on the Rocky statue . Broncos fans are just shrugging, they’ve been winning all year with a statue at quarterback.

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski , arguing against those who think the college basketball schedule should change later into the year “We do represent NCAA institutions, and the thing that happens in late spring is called exams.”
And players at Kentucky are going “What are exams?”

A Southwest flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco had to turn around and make an emergency landing back at LAX after a woman passenger apparently claimed a man tried to choke her for reclining her seat. Shocking. Mostly that it didn’t happen on United or Spirit.

No details yet about the passenger who allegedly choked a woman on a Southwest flight for reclining her seat. But we know it wasn’t a member of the SF Giants – they don’t choke in October.

Still not quite sure what was going on with that Colts fake punt yesterday. Maybe Indianapolis figured the Patriots defenders would all just fall down laughing?

You know your NFL division sucks when you are tied for the lead with a record that might not even make the playoffs in the NBA ‪#‎NFCLeast‬

In Tombstone, Arizona, an actor is recovering after accidentally shooting himself in the groin while reenacting a gunfight near the OK Corral last weekend.  Your move, Florida.

USA Today is reporting that in 2016, some Republicans are hoping for a higher evangelical born-again Christian turnout, as estimates are there were was many as 17 million “missing” evangelical voters in 2012.
Maybe they weren’t missing, maybe they just expected God would provide them with a President?

An Iowa man, arrested for stealing a taxi in Des Moines, said he took it because he didn’t want to walk home. I think I see a new potential ad campaign “Uber – there’s an easier way.”

One small step…

February 24, 2014

 

It’s a big step that it now looks like we will have two openly gay male athletes play major US professional sports this year. The next big step – when we get to the point that such events aren’t even news.

Jason Collins signed with the Nets and played tonight against the Lakers at Staples.   If Brooklyn judges his play to be good enough, Jason should get a chance to be the first openly gay NBA player to play against a professional NBA team.

 

So let’s start with the POSITIVES of having a gay player on your team. I’m sure my creative friends can make this a good list. 1. He might be the only teammate you can trust not to hit on your wife/girlfriend.

 

So a supporter of Arizona’s bill allowing businesses to discriminate based on religious beliefs brought up the idea of a supermarket bakery worker not wanting to make a wedding cake for a gay couple. Leaving aside Jon Stewart’s brilliant question “What gay wedding has a supermarket cake?” why then should that worker not be able to ask if the bride and groom have had premarital relations? Or previously divorced? Etc. Because that could go against their religious beliefs too.

CNN is going to end Piers Morgans’ show. “What a shame” said both of his viewers.

Canada won men’s hockey gold in a game that started at 7am Toronto time. Does the city have someone chaperoning Rob Ford?

I think a requirement for any American who professes to be upset by Canada’s hockey wins should be to name at least try NHL players. Current ones.

The USA women’s hockey collapse against Canada was embarrassing. But in the long run suppose less embarrassing than being shut out for the last two games….

 

Sigh. Shows like Downton Abbey have their season flash by in an instant and stuff like “Keeping up with the Kardashians” apparently never ends? #qualitynotquantity

The Daytona 500 was delayed several hours due to heavy rain. Sounds like Mother Nature is saying “Don’t gloat about this winter so fast, Florida.”

 

13 car crash on lap 146 of 200 Daytona. For millions of Americans, finally a reason to watch the race highlights on Sportscenter.

Half expected when the race was over to have Fox interrupt with historic breaking news of the second Daytona 500 winner in a single day.

(during the rain delay, they showed the 2013 race on Fox. Someone at Fox News thought it was for 2014.  And announced the winner again accordingly.)

Non-US carriers are different. ANA made a apologetic announcement today at the airport that boarding would be delayed due to cabin preparation. By FIVE minutes. And the guy sounded really sorry.

Zack Greinke, on the Dodgers and Dbacks opening the MLB season in Australia “I would say there is absolutely zero excitement for it. There just isn’t any excitement to it. I can’t think of one reason to be excited for it.” I am thinking the league will quickly remind him of million$ of rea$on$ to be excited by it.

 

Justin Bieber, unhappy about the “Loser gets Bieber” billboard about the US vs. Canada hockey, tweeted. “I guess I’m an easy target for some. I’m still human. I will continue to meet hate with love. It’s all about the music. Much love” Uh, Justin, if you WERE all about the music, millions of Americans wouldn’t be so eager to send you back.

Oh Canada Day, Eh?

July 1, 2013

Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.

This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.

This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”

Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”

Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.

Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.

Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.

Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.

Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?

So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.

Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?

Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -” If they support you, they’re “The People”. If they oppose you, they’re a “Mob”.”

The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.

 

Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?

 

This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.