Posted tagged ‘Star Wars jokes’

One America?

January 21, 2017

Not that America ever could unite easily on anything. But for a suggestion, could I suggest that after Trump’s inaugural that pitchers and catchers report early?

But yes, it won’t be TOO long until the jokes about rich white privilege can at least temporarily be focused on the Yankees.

I’m all for protests against our new @POTUS . But will these protesters remember to make as much of an effort for the 2020 election?

Obama’s last phone call as President was apparently to thank Angela Merkel,. Yes, Germany is last bastion of liberalism #whythereisnosatire

On a brighter note for moderates and liberals, Trump now has his own @realDonaldTrump AND @Potus twitter accounts. Maybe it will keep him busy enough to limit the damage?

 

 

So how many people woke up this morning with the hope of hearing at 12noon. “I was just kidding.”

 

Some complain that Trump’s speech was reminiscent of Batman villain Bane. How silly, it was much more Darth Vader.

It was a great Inauguration speech for all those who hate waiting between Olympics for all those USA USA USA!! chants.

 

“We are going to be protected by God”. Uh, if God was protecting us Trump probably wouldn’t be making this speech.

“For too long a small group of people in Washington have reaped the rewards”. But now I’m going to make sure my rich friends get their share

“Righteous people”. Code for “white men”.

Hate idea of #PresidentTrump as much as anyone. But anyone idiotic enough to protest by destroying property is playing into his rhetoric.

 

#AmericaFirst would be lot more believable if it not spouted from lips of man whose 2 out of 3 wives have been immigrants. #Inauguration

 

Yes, he’s comedy gold, but I’d have preferred to spend day struggling to think of a good inaugural ball pantsuit joke. #Inauguration

 

And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain… #InauguralBall

“Identity politics” is tossed around like “snowflakes” as a derogatory term these days. But I would venture that most people who do the tossing are people who don’t feel justifiably threatened and scared by the new administration.

From Marc Ragovin :” Wonderful inaugural speech by Trump. I hear the Russian judge gave it an 11.”

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Born lucky?

January 9, 2016

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has now made Harrison Ford the highest-grossing actor in US box office history. Of course, the way this franchise is going, #2 might be the guy who plays Chewbacca.

Florida congressman Alan Grayson says he will sue over Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s eligibility to be President if Cruz wins the GOP presidential nomination. And somewhere in D.C.Barack Obama is just giggling.

Justin Bieber was kicked out of the archaeological site, Tulum, after he reportedly showed up with beer cans, tried to climb off-limits ruins, and took a selfie with his underpants down. Following upon the antics of Ethan Couch, Mexico’s going to start thinking seriously about that border fence. ‪#‎affluenza‬

The “Affluenza” teen’s mom Tonya Couch has according to a Texas sheriff, “expressed a slight displeasure about her accommodations” in jail. “I feel so sorry for her,” said absolutely, positively, nobody.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott now wants to amend the U.S. Constitution so that states can ignore the Federal government. Fine, does that also mean the Feds are off the hook for those states’ disaster relief?

Prolia, a drug to fight osteoporosis in post-menopausal women, does television commercials with the usual laundry-list of fine print warnings. Including this one – “do not take Prolia if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant.” ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

The stock market just had its worst week ever to start a year. But the jobs report said the U.S. added 2.65 million jobs in 2015, its 2nd best year since 1999. So I think I’ve figured it out: The former is all Obama’s fault, the latter had nothing to do with him

A man who ate nothing but Chipotle for 186 days says he has cut back to occasional meals there now. Who knew, these days McDonald’s seems like the healthy option?

Chris Christie, who in 1995 campaigned for NJ State Senate as a supporter of an assault weapons ban. Now he says he’s “changed his mind.”
You know, I’d believe these folks a little more if they ever changed their minds in a way that didn’t put them more in line with their party’s base.

DeSean Jackson on the Eagles’ firing coach Chip Kelly: “I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you.” And so will Ms. Karma make sure Kelly ends up with the 49ers next?

As of Jan 1, licensed gun owners in Texas can now openly carry guns into state mental hospitals. Your move, Florida. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬

#ElChapo‬ has been caught again in Mexico. Too soon to start a pool on the date of his next jail break?

 

But really, so they are putting El Chapo back into the exact last jail he escaped from? Even in Florida they are saying “Are you nuts?”

 

 

 

 

Maine Governor Paul LePage, ranting about Maine’s drug problem and blaming traffickers: “These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty … they come from Connecticut and NY, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home ..half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.”

Wow., that’s offensive enough you have to wonder if LePage has dreams of being Trump’s running mate.

High crimes and misdemeanors?

December 29, 2015

Ohio State RB Ezekiel Elliott says now he didn’t know his driver’s license had been suspended and “I’m doing everything I can now, my dad is doing everything he can now to get that handled and get my license back in good standing.” Uh, just guessing but maybe his dad taking care of things has been part of the problem?

The San Diego Chargers fined Eric Weddle $10,000 and placed him on IR for staying on the sidelines to watch his 7 year-old daughter perform at halftime instead of being with the team on Dec. 20 against Miami. Really, if he had only been in the locker room surreptitiously watching porn on his phone instead…..

Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine says he will ” have a conversation” with Johnny Manziel after the QB’s most recent social media partying post. What, and tell Manziel if he does this 5-6 more times there will be serious consequences?

 

The Olive Garden at Times Square, with a “limited view” of the ball drop, is charging $400 for a New Year’s Eve buffet with open bar. Which basically means about $10 for the food, $40 for the drinks, and $350 for a bathroom.

Former New York Gov. George Pataki is dropping out of the race for the GOP Presidential nomination. All together now – “who?!”

Whole Foods has settled with New York over allegations of overcharging and will pay the City $500,000. Wonder how much the store will have to raise prices to cover the fine?

Theater today advertising special ‪#‎StarWars‬ themed pet toys for furry friends who can’t come to movie with you. ‪#‎maythefarcebewithyou‬ ‪#‎overthetop‬?

 

Not a spoiler but anyone but me think  for all the talk about ‪#‎CarrieFisher‬ she’s aged better than ‪#‎HarrisonFord‬? ‪#‎TheForceAwake

 

Now Trump has retweeted a photo-shopped picture of Jed Bush supposedly picking his nose. So guess we have the answer to the question “Can his campaign get any more sophomoric?”

 

Dallas Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones on Tuesday says he doesn’t plan any major changes going into 2016. Which is awesome news. For comedy writers and the rest of the NFC LEast.

Steve Harvey is being a good sport about his Miss Universe flub. And it’s paying off for him. Why, I’ve heard Harvey has been asked to come to New York for the New Year’s Eve 2014 Ball Drop.

“Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch and his mother were apprehended today in Puerto Vallartta. Now here’s an interesting question – how many undocumented Mexican immigrants do we have to allow to stay in the US before Mexico would agree to keep him?

Now that “Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch has been nabbed, waiting for some Mexican politician to say Mexico needs to tighten their borders because Americans are clearly not sending their best.

So apparently the “affluenza” teen and his mom were caught in Puerto Vallarta when they used their cellphone to order a Domino’s pizza. This has to be a ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ X 2. One, for not realizing a cellphone can work as a tracking device, two, all the money in the world and you order pizza from Domino’s?!!

Dynasty, eh?

October 19, 2015

This is Canada’s new “first family.”  Think suddenly Bill Clinton has extra enthusiam for that potential “First Lady hanging out with wives” role?

Xavier Trudeau covers his eyes as Liberal leader Justin Trudeau watches the results with his wife Sophie Gregoire at a hotel in downtown Montreal on Monday, Oct. 19, 2015. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Paul Chiasson

And just think, in 2017 any treaties between Canada and the U.S. could be negotiated by a Trudeau and either a Bush or a Clinton. Sure glad we broke away from England so we could get rid of that whole idea of being led by royal families.

For Canada fans of politics and sports; New PM Justin Trudeau is exactly one year and 4 days older than Blue Jays reliever LaTroy Hawkins.

Canada voted today to elect a new Parliament and Prime Minister. Apparently a CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) host complained that the two-and-a-half-month campaign was “historically long:” Can’t top John Oliver on this one – “Thinking 78 days is a long campaign is absolutely adorable.”

Meanwhile, Joe Biden apparently will make a decision this week on entering the Presidential race. If he decides to run, Biden’s campaign kickoff speech will be scheduled for Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Apparently tickets for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, opening December 18, are now available online. Assume most of the early sales are single tickets.

So when did ‪#‎RogersCentre‬ in Toronto turn into ‪#‎CoorsField‬? ‪#‎ALDS‬ ‪#‎KCvsToronto‬

Eagles fans are upset because someone put a NY Giants jersey on the Rocky statue . Broncos fans are just shrugging, they’ve been winning all year with a statue at quarterback.

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski , arguing against those who think the college basketball schedule should change later into the year “We do represent NCAA institutions, and the thing that happens in late spring is called exams.”
And players at Kentucky are going “What are exams?”

A Southwest flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco had to turn around and make an emergency landing back at LAX after a woman passenger apparently claimed a man tried to choke her for reclining her seat. Shocking. Mostly that it didn’t happen on United or Spirit.

No details yet about the passenger who allegedly choked a woman on a Southwest flight for reclining her seat. But we know it wasn’t a member of the SF Giants – they don’t choke in October.

Still not quite sure what was going on with that Colts fake punt yesterday. Maybe Indianapolis figured the Patriots defenders would all just fall down laughing?

You know your NFL division sucks when you are tied for the lead with a record that might not even make the playoffs in the NBA ‪#‎NFCLeast‬

In Tombstone, Arizona, an actor is recovering after accidentally shooting himself in the groin while reenacting a gunfight near the OK Corral last weekend.  Your move, Florida.

USA Today is reporting that in 2016, some Republicans are hoping for a higher evangelical born-again Christian turnout, as estimates are there were was many as 17 million “missing” evangelical voters in 2012.
Maybe they weren’t missing, maybe they just expected God would provide them with a President?

An Iowa man, arrested for stealing a taxi in Des Moines, said he took it because he didn’t want to walk home. I think I see a new potential ad campaign “Uber – there’s an easier way.”

May the night light be with you.

November 7, 2014

Star Wars VII now has a title “The Force Awakens.” And given the age of many in the cast, presume the subtitle is “Every Few Hours in the Middle of the Night to Pee.”

 

Madison Bumgarner just won the “Silver Slugger” award for being the best offensive player at his position. But the SF Giants lefty didn’t get a hit in the postseason, including the World Series. What a disappointment.

San Diego shortstop Everth Cabrera was stopped for allegedly driving under the influence of marijuana, and ultimately charged with resisting arrest. Of course, being a Padre, if he pulled the “Do you know who I am?” card, the answer might have honestly been. “No.”

A-Rod reportedly admitted to using PEDS during a meeting with the DEA earlier this year. Yep, baseball normalcy has returned: The World Series is over and the Yankees are back in the headlines.

The first NFL 2015 “International Series” game at Wembley will be the Miami Dolphins vs. the NY Jets. And Jets fans are thinking, “Can London just keep them?”

John Boehner said that executive actions by Obama on immigration would “poison the well” for legislation. As opposed to that great bipartisan effort Congress has made with the President so far?

A court today upheld gay marriage bans in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee. So in those last two states, men can still marry their sisters, just not their brothers?

On Fox News, Condoleezza Rice criticized Democratic campaign ads aimed at African Americans in the South that featured Ferguson and the death of Michael Brown. She said she found the fear mongering “appalling” and “insulting.” Uh, okay Condi, but what about fear mongering in GOP ads aimed at whites about crime and immigration featuring minorities?

 

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said of freshman Jahlil Okafor “We won’t have him long. We’ll have him this year and then he’ll be one of the top [NBA] picks.” In other words, Okafor’s second semester professors might as well forget about getting those papers turned in.

Wonder if Okafor will stick around long enough to learn to spell “Krzyewski?”

 

 

Let the fun begin. Sources told ESPN that Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome testified under oath Thursday that he heard Ray Rice in June tell Roger Goodell that he hit Janay in a casino hotel elevator.  So let’s see, does the NFL commissioner claims amnesia or a concussion.

 

 

Jennifer Aniston apparently goes without makeup in her new film “Cake,” and called it “dreamy and empowering and liberating.”    And yes, imagine what a shocking change  it must have been – relying only on her personal assistants, trainer and esthetician.

Lebron James is apparently “concerned” about the Cavaliers 1-3 start. Did he think it would be easy for the team to improve enough to be knocked off by the Spurs in the NBA finals?

Walker this way?

February 21, 2013

Mark Hamill, 61, says that his Luke Skywalker character will probably appear in the new Star Wars movie. This time of course, with Skywalker using a Sky Walker.

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Former N.M Senator Pete Domenici, who voted to impeach Clinton, now admits he had an out-of-wedlock son 30 years ago himself. (With the daughter of Paul Laxalt, who was a Senator from Nevada at the time.) Ah, family values.

Holland America is going to have a “Dancing with the Stars” cruise. Well, for some men we’ve probably got a vacation prospect less appealing than going on the Carnival Triumph.

 

One way in which celibacy will make Pope Benedict’s retirement easier: He won’t be dealing with a wife saying “Infallibility, schmallibility, just take the  damn garbage out.”

 

Now it turns out the lead detective in the Oscar Pistorius case is himself facing attempted murder charges? Who knew that the South African police might end up making the LAPD with the O.J. Simpson case look good?

Good thing at least in the Pistorius case no gloves seem to be involved. Yet.


But seriously, while no one absolutely knows what happened that night, anyone doubt that if  Pistorius had been  a non-celebrity with this story about shooting his girlfriend ,  they’d already be discussing sentencing and plea bargains?-

 

UCF, (University of Central Florida), just became a D1 football school in 1996. Today the school shut down most fraternity and sorority activities as it investigates two frats for alleged hazing and alcohol abuse. Guess it didn’t take the UCF Greek system long to advance to the big time.

The Univ. of North Dakota suspended men’s basketball announcer Paul Ralston for two games after he used the phrase “choke job” regarding a recent loss. During his suspension wonder if Ralston has been offered the chance to do announce spring training games for the Chicago Cubs.

 

Former U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson pleaded guilty to misusing campaign funds, saying in a statement: “I offer no excuses for my conduct and I fully accept my responsibility for the improper decisions and mistakes I have made.” What? No blaming it on the media or his enemies? The guy clearly doesn’t belong in politics.

 

A legal claim filed in Antioch, California accused a teacher of duct-taping an 8-year old boy’s mouth to keep him quiet. Which if true, is awful. Duct-tape has no place as a silencer involving children – unless it’s used on the parents of Little Leaguers.

From Tony Alan Banks:  “Roger Clemens needs to be tested. For Massengill or Summer’s Eve.”