Posted tagged ‘New Year’s Eve jokes’

High crimes and misdemeanors?

December 29, 2015

Ohio State RB Ezekiel Elliott says now he didn’t know his driver’s license had been suspended and “I’m doing everything I can now, my dad is doing everything he can now to get that handled and get my license back in good standing.” Uh, just guessing but maybe his dad taking care of things has been part of the problem?

The San Diego Chargers fined Eric Weddle $10,000 and placed him on IR for staying on the sidelines to watch his 7 year-old daughter perform at halftime instead of being with the team on Dec. 20 against Miami. Really, if he had only been in the locker room surreptitiously watching porn on his phone instead…..

Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine says he will ” have a conversation” with Johnny Manziel after the QB’s most recent social media partying post. What, and tell Manziel if he does this 5-6 more times there will be serious consequences?

 

The Olive Garden at Times Square, with a “limited view” of the ball drop, is charging $400 for a New Year’s Eve buffet with open bar. Which basically means about $10 for the food, $40 for the drinks, and $350 for a bathroom.

Former New York Gov. George Pataki is dropping out of the race for the GOP Presidential nomination. All together now – “who?!”

Whole Foods has settled with New York over allegations of overcharging and will pay the City $500,000. Wonder how much the store will have to raise prices to cover the fine?

Theater today advertising special ‪#‎StarWars‬ themed pet toys for furry friends who can’t come to movie with you. ‪#‎maythefarcebewithyou‬ ‪#‎overthetop‬?

 

Not a spoiler but anyone but me think  for all the talk about ‪#‎CarrieFisher‬ she’s aged better than ‪#‎HarrisonFord‬? ‪#‎TheForceAwake

 

Now Trump has retweeted a photo-shopped picture of Jed Bush supposedly picking his nose. So guess we have the answer to the question “Can his campaign get any more sophomoric?”

 

Dallas Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones on Tuesday says he doesn’t plan any major changes going into 2016. Which is awesome news. For comedy writers and the rest of the NFC LEast.

Steve Harvey is being a good sport about his Miss Universe flub. And it’s paying off for him. Why, I’ve heard Harvey has been asked to come to New York for the New Year’s Eve 2014 Ball Drop.

“Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch and his mother were apprehended today in Puerto Vallartta. Now here’s an interesting question – how many undocumented Mexican immigrants do we have to allow to stay in the US before Mexico would agree to keep him?

Now that “Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch has been nabbed, waiting for some Mexican politician to say Mexico needs to tighten their borders because Americans are clearly not sending their best.

So apparently the “affluenza” teen and his mom were caught in Puerto Vallarta when they used their cellphone to order a Domino’s pizza. This has to be a ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ X 2. One, for not realizing a cellphone can work as a tracking device, two, all the money in the world and you order pizza from Domino’s?!!

Another five bite the dust

December 31, 2013

Five NFL coaches fired already as of  today. They’re dropping faster than Taylor Swift’s boyfriends.

Dwayne Wade recently became a father for the third time. But not with the fiancee he proposed to last week. The baby was conceived while he and Gabrielle Union were “on a break.” Kind of explains the 8.5 carat engagement ring. (Wonder if Dwayne got it from Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.)

Bus to hell time:  Mack Brown’s final game as coach of the Longhorns was Monday’s bowl in San Antonio. And Oregon’s 30-7 win was somehow fitting. Don’t Texans always get slaughtered at the Alamo?

Temperature in Green Bay Monday, -19. So “who’s got it better than us?”  might refer to whoever sells long thermal underwear to the SF 49ers team and staff.

Wonder how many people who were traveling or otherwise busy Sunday saw the ESPN headline “Cowboys lose on late pick” and thought “Wow, so Romo was able to play after all?”

Mike Shanahan was fired Monday morning as coach of the Washington Redskins. An announcement almost as surprising as Brian Boitano coming out as gay.

The city of NY is suing FedEx Corp for $52 million in fines and taxes, saying the company illegally delivered millions of untaxed cigarettes from an Indian reservation to customers. While we’re on the subject of smokers, should be an interesting year for FedEx shipments from Colorado and Washington….

On January 1, Colorado will legalize marijuana sales. But pot will still be banned at Denver International Airport. Bummer. That might have been one way to keep travelers mellow with TSA, boarding and luggage issues etc.

Two suicide bombings yesterday in Volgograd, Russia, only 400 miles from Sochi. And suddenly Vladimir Putin is thinking an Olympics marred only by gay rights protests doesn’t sound too bad.

A “Price is Right” contestant was thrilled to be the show’s biggest winner ever – winning an Audi R8 black convertible worth $157,300. Do wonder how thrilled she’ll be when she gets the tax bill…..

Applebee’s Times Square branch is offering a $375 per person New Year’s Eve dinner and party. Which includes food and drink but not a view of the ball drop. $375 for Applebee’s? That’s about as good a value as 50 yard-line tickets for the Washington Redskins.

Miley Cyrus will perform on ABC’s “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.”  Wonder how many Americans New Year’s resolutions will include not watching her.

Following on the Target news, now it looks like hackers have swiped credit card information from NY and SF sandwich chain ‘wichcraft. This latest breach occurred between Aug. and Oct. of this year. What’s scarier though… how many of these breaches do we not know about? (yet)

A recent Pew poll found that only 43% of Republicans believe in evolution, down from 54% in 2009. And 48% believe that “all living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time.” Would love to be a fly on the wall when these folks take their kids to commie pinko places like the Museum of Natural History….

or as my friend Jerry Perisho says   “One-third of Americans reject evolution. What a bunch of Neanderthals!”