Posted tagged ‘election jokes’

He should have said “there’s an election?”

September 14, 2016

Steph Curry was asked as part of a longer interview who he was supporting for President. He simply answered “Hillary” and moved on. And some people are actually complaining that athletes shouldn’t get involved in politics? #Onewordistoomany? #WTF?

Another #Padres pitcher coming in with an ERA of around 6. And of course the #SFGiants scored one run.  At some point the team should charge a fee for giving all these pitchers the best outing of their careers.

 

If by chance the #SFGiants stagger into the playoffs, no one will accuse them of peaking too soon in September.

Hillary Clinton had to cancel San Francisco fundraisers early this week over her pneumonia. Shame. She could have used that “basket of deplorables” line to great effect about the SF Giants bullpen.

(or in some cases,  like today, their hitters.)

 

Major league baseball has announced their 2017 schedule, with both the Twins and Red Sox opening at home April 3. Too soon to bet on which game is most likely to be snowed out?

Several Washington State players have been arrested this year, and coach Mike Leach, formerly at Texas Tech,  is blaming the police and media for unfairly focusing on football players. Toto, we’re not in Texas any more….

In New York, an assemblyman who fatally shot himself last week won his primary today. So voters not paying attention? Or voters deciding that a dead man could do less damage than the live alternative?

 

In Austria, an 18-year-old girl is suing her parents because she said the Facebook pictures they posted of her as a child have made her life miserable. Ah, for the good old days when your parents could only embarrass you with scrapbooks.

 

Proving it’s not just U.S. airports and airlines who are fond of euphemisms – a travel agent bulletin says the runway at Aberdeen Airport in Scotland is currently out of service, due to a technical issue.”
The issue, they discovered an actual hole in the runway.

Mike Pence this week refused to call David Duke “deplorable.” Just one question for Governor Pence, who WOULD he call deplorable?

Last year, Donald Trump was listed as 6’2″ and 198 pounds. Today he told Dr. Oz he was 6’3″ and 236 pounds. Time for a congressional investigation?

So @realDonaldTrump says he “feels as good as when I was 30.” If any 70 year-old really believes that, he’s too delusional to be President.

Hillary Clinton today released detailed medical information. The report said she has “mild, non-contagious bacterial” pneumonia. It also has details about blood cholesterol levels, allergies, her annual mammogram, etc.
Wonder how long before Donald Trump announces again he is the very healthiest but he won’t release his records because we just wouldn’t understand.

Donald Trump has said “I will end forever the use of the H-1B as a cheap labor program, and institute an absolute requirement to hire American workers for every visa and immigration program. No exceptions.”
Today, Melania Trump tweeted a letter from her lawyer defending her immigration status. The lawyer said Melania told him she “remained in the United States on five one-year H-1B visas before obtaining a green card,”
#Youcantmakethisstuffup

Monday night madness.

September 12, 2016

If this keeps up Los Angeles is going to ask St. Louis if they would would take the Rams back.

And the 49ers wonder why they can’t get fans to games, besides having a lousy team. ESPN’s Darren Rovell -“Two and half hours before Rams at 49ers, cheapest get-in ticket on StubHub is $35. Cheapest team parking spot? $69!”

 

 

Oakland 16, KC 3 on Monday.  Wait, didn’t the Raiders play yesterday?

After Saturday’s loss to CMU, Okla State coach Mike Gundy says he only wants to play nonconference home games with Big 12 officiating crews. Because his own conference refs NEVER make mistakes…?   Or because they understand the importance of avoiding upsets of top teams who bring the conference money  for bowl games.

 

Hope no #Samsung executive ever prayed for their #GalaxyNote7 to be the hottest phone in the world?

Carrie Tolstedt, the woman who oversaw the Wells Fargo community banking unit where the fake account scam happened left the bank in July. She got a $124.6 million golden parachute.
“I am shocked” said nobody.

 

 

An Indiana fertility doctor has been charged with obstruction of justice. Prosecutors said the 1970s and 80s, he allegedly impregnated perhaps 50 women, who thought they were using medical school donors, with his own sperm. So will his defense be he wanted to be the next father of our country?

Donald Trump says he will release his medical records “soon.” Like he released his tax returns “soon” after he promised them this January?

Trump today said “this last week I took a physical I’ll be releasing – when the numbers come in, hopefully they’re gonna be good, I think they’re gonna be good.” Well of course, the bestest greatest numbers, they’re going to be huge.

No joke. Conspiracy theorists are now opining that Hillary Clinton is seriously ill or worse and has been replaced by a body-double. #BeammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet

 

As Trump and Clinton battle hard for the swing state of Virginia, thinking after tonight’s MNF game either of them would get a major boost if they promised on their first day in office to ban Dan Snyder from owning an NFL team.

 

Think I’ve got it: Professional athletes regularly have illnesses and injuries. When they pretend they are fine and play through them for big games it’s proof of what heroic men they are. When a woman presidential candidate pretends she’s fine and shows up at an important event when she has pneumonia, it’s more proof of her duplicitous nature.

 

ESP from TC?

“Kaepernick will be the backup for tonight’s game. His role is to enter the game if it’s a blowout, take snaps and go down on one knee.”

 

Pay no attention to the man behind or in front of the curtain?

From Marc Ragovin “So Donald Trump is going to discuss his medical records this week with Dr. Oz. Trump and Oz is a very appropriate coupling.”

Be afraid, be very afraid.

October 25, 2015

A Clear Food report found that 10% of vegetarian hot dogs contained meat. Hmm, that might be a higher percentage than regular hot dogs.

As we move into Halloween week give NBC the early lead for the scariest statement of the week. During a Sunday Night Football commercial they just referred to “Republican front runner Donald Trump.”

A new AP poll says that Republican voters view Donald Trump as their most electable candidate in 2016. ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

The new president of Guatemala is former TV comedian Jimmy Morales, who has no experience in government, but won tonight in a landslide. ‪#‎PagingJonStewart‬

The LA Times reports that a survey found 39% of L.A. millennials ‘chronically stressed’ about money. Presumably the other 61% are living with their parents.

Jimmy Fallon, who badly injured his left hand in a fall at home earlier this year, apparently fell at a Harvard award event yesterday and injured his OTHER hand. Was he chewing gum at the time?

UCF football coach George O’Leary, whose Golden Knights are 0-8, is retiring effective immediately. Making him luckier than UCF season ticket holders.

As if I didn’t have enough reasons to hate FOX – First time in California we had the Saints on TV for a Sunday day game in the SF Bay Area, they have a 27-0 lead, and they just came on and said “unless you’re a fantasy owner or a Saints fan that doesn’t live in New Orleans you’re not interested in this game anymore so we are switching to another game”-  Humbug.

(and the Saints almost blew the game. Paging Heidi.)

Chris Christie was kicked out of an Amtrak “quiet car” this morning. I am sure that has nothing to with what will be a number of unexpected New Jersey rail bridge closures tomorrow.

Houston Texans QB Ryan Mallett, who said he bought an alarm clock after he said he overslept a training camp practice, missed the team plane to Miami and had to fly commercial for today’s game against the Dolphins. Apparently there is a difference between buying a clock and using a clock.

The Dallas Cowboys have lost four in a row. No punchline, I just liked writing that.

Greg Hardy, convicted of domestic violence before his ex-girlfriend didn’t show up for the appeal, apparently he shoved and yelled at teammates on the field in today’s Dallas loss.
Owner Jerry Jones’s response: “He’s, of course, one of the real leaders on this team and he earns it and he earns it with respect from all of his teammates and that’s the kind of thing that inspires a football team.”
Yeah, that’s the kind of attitude that has the Cowboys so beloved outside Texas.

Former Majority Leader Tom DeLay said that if President Barack Obama issues an executive order to require background checks on some gun sales , the House should consider impeachment proceedings.
Is Delay nuts? Of course the House should not impeach Obama over such an action – now, another Congressional committee to investigate Hillary over her potential involvement, sure, why not?

Joe Biden said tonight he didn’t run for President simply because at this point he “couldn’t win.” Uh, that hasn’t stopped most of the GOP field.

Ben Carson said today he is against abortion in all cases, and cited “the many stories of people who have led very useful lives who were the result of rape or incest.” Of course, this is the same Dr. Carson who is against welfare because he thinks it says ‘You can’t take care of yourself and I’m going to give you food stamps, a housing subsidy and free health care….”
So, basically Carson is telling poor girls and women who are victims of rape and incest that they are f*cked twice over.

Storms and other hot air

October 23, 2015

The Pacifc Coast of Mexico braced today for Patricia, possibly the “worst hurricane ever.,” which was expected still to be a major storm by the time it hits Texas.   Waiting for Donald Trump to say if he were in charge he’d put up a wall to stop it.

The only way CNN could have been more excited about Hurricane ‪#‎Patricia‬ was if there were a cruise ship potentially stuck in it.

First Jim Webb, now it’s bye bye Lincoln Chafee. Say what you want about Democrats, but at least they know when to give up on hopeless Presidential campaigns. Yes, I’m talking about you “fill-in-the-blank.”

U.S. authorities this week found a U.S.-Mexico border tunnel stretching the length of 8 football fields long, from Tijuana to San Diego, with lighting, electricity and a rail system. Sounds like these are the kind of folks Trump might want to build that wall.

Spurs basketball coach Gregg Popovich is going to be the new coach of Team USA. Will be quite a change for Pop to coach a team of American players.

Got to love it, on Friday night, Fox Sports ticker had “Breaking News – Royals defeat Rays 4-3 to advance to second straight World Series.” During post game ‪#‎ALCS‬ coverage.

Scott Servais will apparently be named the Mariners new manager this year. So once again folks, if you want your kids to grow up to be managers, give them a catcher’s mitt.

Westboro Baptist Church was picketing the Blue Jays -Royals ALCS game tonight to “preach to the depraved Canadians.” Where were some players with good strong bat flips when you REALLY needed them?

New Jersey police are looking for the rightful owner of 50 pounds of pot that was mailed to someone who didn’t even live at the address. When that person comes forward he/she will receive free room and board from the state for a while. Along with a ‪#‎canttixstupid‬ award.

The number of confirmed Shigella infections has risen to 141 in an outbreak traced to a San Jose, CA restaurant. So waiting for N.C. senator Thom Tillis to reiterate his Feb. 2015 comments of how obligatory hand-washing rules are an example of government overreach.

McDonald’s is testing out new sweet potato fries in Texas. Makes sense. Most Americans really do feel sweet-deprived.

Maine voters fhis fall have “Question 1”, a citizen initiative to strengthen the state’s Clean Election Act . It requires more donor transparency, and would allow candidates that are being heavily outspent by their opponents to re-qualify for additional public financing by collecting more small-dollar contributions.
Governor Paul LePage says “that’s like giving my wife my checkbook. I’m telling you, it’s giving your wife your checkbook.”
Wow., that’s misogynistic enough you wonder if LePage is hoping to be a GOP running mate.

President Obama today compared Republicans to ‪#‎GrumpyCat‬. Prompting calls for an apology…. from Grumpy Cat.

While most agree Hillary Clinton is smart, some of the buzzwords used against her are “Machiavellian,” “ambitious,””ruthless,” “duplicitous,” etc.
Just thinking, what if the Dems ran a woman who was just considered smart, sweet, kind and understanding? Then the GOP would say she was naive and by no means tough enough to lead in a tough world of cunning male leader

Guess he didn’t get a rose?

September 11, 2015

Texas Governor Rick Perry has dropped out of the 2016 Presidential Race. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t realize he was still in it.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was upset about only being able to hear the Patriots radio broadcast over the team’s headsets. The NFL said New England was not to blame. Lather, rinse, repeat. ‪#‎thePatriotscandonowrong‬

Pittsburgh thought about filing a formal complaint then backed down.  Perhaps because they figured it would just get a couple New England clubhouse attendants fired, or perhaps because they figured the NFL would just fine them for annoying the Patriots.

A Virginia woman was arrested for having sex with her unconscious boyfriend in a parking lot in broad daylight. She claims it was a combination of alcohol and being “in the mood.” And considering he was unconscious, maybe some seriously good Viagra?

U.C. Berkeley, in their estimated costs to students, says the cost for rent off-campus is $7184 for the academic year. Of course what they don’t say is that the figure means living about 100 miles off campus.

MLB suspended Joey Votto, 32, two games for his major tantrum Wednesday when the Reds first baseman was denied a time out. He’s appealing the suspension. But. hey, a tantrum?  Maybe Votto should just think of it as a time out.

Now Gregor ‪#‎Blanco‬ has been diagnosed with a concussion. The 2015 ‪#‎SFGiants‬ at this point don’t need a trainer, they need a witch doctor.

Meanwhile,Jake ‪#‎Peavy‬ and the Sacramento ‪#‎RiverCats‬ had a really good night against the ‪#‎Padres‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Phillies have dismissed GM Ruben Amaro Jr.: Five words: What took them so long?

Donald Trump now says his insults, this time directed at Carly Fiorina, were made “as an entertainer, because I did the ‘Apprentice.'” So maybe Trump thinks this whole campaign is his new show – “Political Apprentice”?

Regarding all this controversy on Trump’s purported jab at Carly Fiorina’s looks, guess Carly and her supporters have forgotten her off-mike comment in 2010 about her rival Barbara Boxer – “God what is that hair?’ So yesterday!’

So amongst the various over-under bets on opening week of the ‪#‎NFL‬ season can you make an over-under on player arrests? ‪#‎NFLKickoff‬

So Aldon Smith, one of the the best pass rushers in the NFL, who’s been arrested 5 times in 3 years, was signed today by the Oakland Raiders. Is anyone surprised?

If Ray Rice hadn’t lost a few steps as an RB he’d surely have offers. Heck, of O.J. Simpson were still a Pro-Bowler HE’D have offers.

Serious bus to hell time, but hey, if we stop laughing the bad guys win.    And this one could alas be true::

On this awful anniversary of September 11, have to wonder how many more deaths there would have been had it happened now…. as hundreds of people running away from the collapsing towers would have stopped to take selfies.

$unny day.

August 13, 2015

Sesame Street is moving to HBO. So the show will now be brought to you by the letter $.

The outlet mall in Livermore, California is expanding and has renamed itself “San Francisco Premium Outlets.” Well, at about 45 miles from the city it’s no further away than the “SF” 49ers.

Carly Fiorina is going to solve the maternity leave problem in the U.S! In her own words by making the economy “so strong that employers are forced to compete for workers by offering better salaries, better leave policies, more time off, and good benefits.”
And no doubt many of those workers will be with military contractors developing flying pigs.

The A’s are having Mark McGwire bobblehead night next Tuesday. Does it come in two sizes, “before” and “after”?

Vernon Adams finally completed his undergraduate degree from Eastern Washington so he can play this fall for Oregon. The Ducks’ expected starting QB passed the final exam today on his second attempt for a math class.

And down in the SEC they’re going “math class?”

IK Enemkpali has a job in the NFL, Junior Galette has a job in the NFL Greg Hardy has a job in the NFL… Anyone but me thinking that with Ray Rice, who at least does appear to have learned something, the issue isn’t that elevator punch but the step or two he’s lost as a running back?

The court sketch artist who drew an unflattering picture of Tom Brady now says she is being “cyber-bullied” by Patriots fans. Okay, if you REALLY care about a courtroom sketch to the point of harassing the artist, you probably have too much time on your hands.

Frontier Airlines is getting rid of their toll-free numbers. Wonder which airline will decide to go them one better by getting rid of phone numbers period?

Uh, ‪#‎ESPN‬, at this point isn’t “Tiger Struggling” redundant? ‪#‎TigerWoods‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

A NASA climatologist says that this winter “has the potential of being the Godzilla El Niño,” Bill Patzert, a climatologist with NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.” Great, so Californians can deal with a drought and flooding at the same time.

So Buzzfeed is reporting that Al Gore is at least thinking of entering the 2016 Presidential race now. Well, heck, let’s run him against Mitt Romney. “I’ll take two politicians most people just want to go away for $1000, Alex.”

Wisconsin men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan announced in June that he would retire after the 2015-16 season. Now he says “I’m not totally sure, ” and adds that the AD “said I could change my mind at any time.”

“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

Next stop, the Supremes? A Colorado court has ruled that a baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple cannot use his Christian beliefs as a defense. You know, I would have a lot more sympathy for these religious folks if they also made an effort not to bake cakes for couples who live together before marriage, or who met while one was already married, etc.

From T.C. “MetLife Stadium has gone totally wireless, except one QB’s jaw.”

Counting crows?

June 4, 2015

So if it’s a pack of wolves, a murder of crows, what do you call all these wealthy people running for President in 2016? I’m thinking “an embarrassment of riches.”

Okay, giving the Duggars every benefit of the doubt and then some…. As Jim Bob excuses his son by saying it was a (14-15 year old) “child preying on a child.” And “there were a couple of instances where he touched them under their clothes, but it was like a few seconds.” Just trying to imagine their reaction if this “child” was a boy dating one of their “side-hug” only daughters.

A lot of conservatives are having problems with this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. On one hand, they have issues with the idea of transgender people. On the other hand, the fact that Caitlyn will make more $$$ than Bruce ever did is ammunition for their belief that we don’t need laws requiring equal pay for women.

Sarah Palin has weighed in and blamed the Duggar family uproar on the “liberal media.” So congrats to all those who had June 4 in the pool.

The SF Giants went back to the White House Thursday to meet the President. Their first visit was in 2011. Wonder after that first meeting if the Giants or Obama were more surprised that the other was back there in 2015.

Apparently Lincecum missed the SF Giants’ White House visit today because he had gone ahead to Philadelphia to get ready to face the Phillies tomorrow. What a shame, Timmy was the one Giant who could have done some serious lobbying with Obama for marijuana legalization. ‪#‎letTimmysmoke‬

 

President Obama today as the SF Giants visited the White House for the third time in five years, “I mean, the truth is, it seems like if they get in, they’ll probably win it.” Clearly the same mantra dozens of candidates are using for the 2016 Presidential election.

At this point wouldn’t it be simpler and faster for all Republicans who AREN’T running for President to announce it?

Airline delay excuse of the day. On United a client reports lead flight attendant sliced his finger, had to get stitches so they had to get another attendant. Uh, wasn’t one of the points of TSA to take care of all the sharp objects?

Rick Perry is running for President again. And he’s smarter this time, because he has glasses. No doubt he’ll tell us three, or at least two reasons why….

John Bowlen, son of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, was arrested last night on domestic violence charges, following on John Elway’s son Jack’s arrest for domestic violence last year. Sounds like these guys are trying a little too hard to act like they fit in with NFL players.

The NCAA has charged UNC with five major violations connected to the school’s long-running academic fraud scandal. Now let’s see how they come up with “severe” punishments that don’t keep the men’s basketball team out of March Madness.