Posted tagged ‘Dallas jokes’

Be afraid, be very afraid.

October 25, 2015

A Clear Food report found that 10% of vegetarian hot dogs contained meat. Hmm, that might be a higher percentage than regular hot dogs.

As we move into Halloween week give NBC the early lead for the scariest statement of the week. During a Sunday Night Football commercial they just referred to “Republican front runner Donald Trump.”

A new AP poll says that Republican voters view Donald Trump as their most electable candidate in 2016. ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

The new president of Guatemala is former TV comedian Jimmy Morales, who has no experience in government, but won tonight in a landslide. ‪#‎PagingJonStewart‬

The LA Times reports that a survey found 39% of L.A. millennials ‘chronically stressed’ about money. Presumably the other 61% are living with their parents.

Jimmy Fallon, who badly injured his left hand in a fall at home earlier this year, apparently fell at a Harvard award event yesterday and injured his OTHER hand. Was he chewing gum at the time?

UCF football coach George O’Leary, whose Golden Knights are 0-8, is retiring effective immediately. Making him luckier than UCF season ticket holders.

As if I didn’t have enough reasons to hate FOX – First time in California we had the Saints on TV for a Sunday day game in the SF Bay Area, they have a 27-0 lead, and they just came on and said “unless you’re a fantasy owner or a Saints fan that doesn’t live in New Orleans you’re not interested in this game anymore so we are switching to another game”-  Humbug.

(and the Saints almost blew the game. Paging Heidi.)

Chris Christie was kicked out of an Amtrak “quiet car” this morning. I am sure that has nothing to with what will be a number of unexpected New Jersey rail bridge closures tomorrow.

Houston Texans QB Ryan Mallett, who said he bought an alarm clock after he said he overslept a training camp practice, missed the team plane to Miami and had to fly commercial for today’s game against the Dolphins. Apparently there is a difference between buying a clock and using a clock.

The Dallas Cowboys have lost four in a row. No punchline, I just liked writing that.

Greg Hardy, convicted of domestic violence before his ex-girlfriend didn’t show up for the appeal, apparently he shoved and yelled at teammates on the field in today’s Dallas loss.
Owner Jerry Jones’s response: “He’s, of course, one of the real leaders on this team and he earns it and he earns it with respect from all of his teammates and that’s the kind of thing that inspires a football team.”
Yeah, that’s the kind of attitude that has the Cowboys so beloved outside Texas.

Former Majority Leader Tom DeLay said that if President Barack Obama issues an executive order to require background checks on some gun sales , the House should consider impeachment proceedings.
Is Delay nuts? Of course the House should not impeach Obama over such an action – now, another Congressional committee to investigate Hillary over her potential involvement, sure, why not?

Joe Biden said tonight he didn’t run for President simply because at this point he “couldn’t win.” Uh, that hasn’t stopped most of the GOP field.

Ben Carson said today he is against abortion in all cases, and cited “the many stories of people who have led very useful lives who were the result of rape or incest.” Of course, this is the same Dr. Carson who is against welfare because he thinks it says ‘You can’t take care of yourself and I’m going to give you food stamps, a housing subsidy and free health care….”
So, basically Carson is telling poor girls and women who are victims of rape and incest that they are f*cked twice over.

If you’re reading this…. shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

March 18, 2015

Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”

 

Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?

President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”

 

#‎ESPN‬ headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. ‪#‎Kentucky‬ ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Arizona‬ etc. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”

Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?

Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”

Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.

Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.

 

From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.

The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.

T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?

Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.

Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”

‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, on so many levels.

To flag or not to flag?

January 5, 2015

Refs not only picked up a flag for Dallas tonight, they turned millions of fans, casual and otherwise, into certified Cheesehead Green Bay Packers fans next weekend

 

Okay, let’s be honest here. Other factors beyond the “tuck rule” – including the overtime rule at the time, which meant the Raiders never had the ball after they lost the coin toss – contributed to Oakland’s 2002 loss to New England. And Detroit made plenty of mistakes today against Dallas. But it was still a chickensh*t move to call a penalty and pick up the flag. Especially when the NFL needs all the integrity it can get. ‪#‎ImtalkingaboutyouGoodell‬

The SEC is thinking that if they had ‪#‎DETvsDAL‬ referees in the ‪#‎SugarBowl‬, ‪#‎Alabama‬ would be playing for the national championship next week.

All is explained. Refs looked in ‪#‎Dallas‬ owner ‪#‎JerryJones‬‘ box & realized they needed to cross bridges to get home ‪#‎DETvsDAL‬ ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬

Since CBS has the Bengals-Colts game, after ESPN’s pre-game show on the NFL playoffs, the network shifted over to the PBA Scorpion Bowling Championship. Wouldn’t it been cheaper with similar ratings to have run a test pattern?

Thinking David Shaw at Stanford did a better job of containing Andrew Luck than many NFL defenses are doing.

 

Meanwhile, going to be tough for the SF 49ers, finding a coach who is smart enough to lead the team back to the playoffs, and still dumb enough to think Jed York knows what he’s doing.

 

Nice win Saturday for the Ravens, but afterwards coach John Harbaugh declared Joe Flacco “the best quarterback in football.” With all due respect, and I like the guy, Flacco isn’t even the best QB in the AFC North.

Joaquin commented  “About 12 men on the field, baseball players must be smarter than NFL players, as they never have ‘too many men on the field’”.

Not unexpected, but still sorry to hear of the death of Stuart Scott. Presumably if they’re watching the NFL playoffs in Heaven, there will be some rousing choruses of “Booyah!

 

“Taken 3” Really? Because even Liam Neeson can’t remember numbers 1 and 2?

 

 

2015 could be shaping up to be a fun year. Louie Gohmert is challenging John Boehner to be Speaker of the House. This is the Texas Rep. who talked about terrorist “anchor babies”, claimed the Obama administration was full of “Muslim Brotherhood members,” accused John McCain of conspiring with Al-Qaeda, and said “Jesus hates taxes.”

Two men were arrested in New York for stealing over $10,000 of Crest White Strips. No details were immediately available about the men, but a pretty safe bet they weren’t British.

 

You can’t make this “stuff” up: After “The Tablet” reported that the HarperCollins Atlas of the Middle East omitted Israel, the company says it will remove the books from shelves and destroy all copies. HarperCollins said the omission was due to “local preferences” as the book was primarily sold in the Gulf Region.

“Local preferences?” Can just imagine what fun we could have in red and blue states with that standard.

 

Toledo beat Arkansas State 63-44 in the ‪#‎GoDaddyBowl‬. Shocking. Who knew Toledo and Arkansas State had football teams?

NFL Opening Weak.

September 8, 2014

Nice win for the #49ers over the #Cowboys. Looks like SF will be ready next week to start facing NFL competition.

Although I have to say the 49ers game is looking good for Michael Sam.    Looks like the #Cowboys defense could use help asap.

 

And  have to wonder, how until #Cowboys fans will be rooting for Michael Sam to sack and injure Tony Romo in practice.

Meanwhile, during the day on NFL opening Sunday, ESPN aired a Canadian Football League game. Guess they wanted to show viewers a higher quality game than the Raiders-Jets.

Sunday was Derek Jeter Day at Yankee Stadium, with nearly an hour of pregame festivities honoring Jeter’s 20 year career. And then the 2014 Yankees went out and lost 2-0 to the Royals. #fitting

 

Mitt Romney said again that he would have done a better job than President  Obama. Being a Mormon Mitt doesn’t drink wine. But he sure is an expert on sour grapes.

Just a few days after Cleveland coach Mike Pettine said of QB Brian Hoyer “we have his back…. it’s not going to be a quick hook.”, he told ESPN the Browns have prepared Johnny Manziel to play in the season opener against the Steelers, but it would be a “feel thing.” Right, so they have Hoyer’s back, except it might have a knife in it.

ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcers said last night that the #SFGiants had a couple “mediocre” months. “Mediocre? In June and July they well and truly s*cked.

 

My friend Michael D. has the winning comment on yesterday’s Stanford-USC football game” “It’s just a crying shame the game did not end in a tie so Stanford could have become the first NCAA school to punt in overtime.”

 

 

The saddest thing about Joan Rivers’ funeral:. We didn’t get to hear her say a very funny but completely un-PC and inappropriate comment about the deceased.

 

 

 

 

 

 

From T.C   “According to ESPN, the highest price for a family of four to attend an NFL game is the new Santa Clara stadium of the SF 49ers at $641. The cheapest NFL tickets can be found at Buffalo, where the team might pay you $641 to tell your friends that you were at the game.” . . .

Beyond madness.

April 7, 2014

 

So one team no one much cares about vs. one team most of America hates. Made sense to play NCAA final at A T & T stadium in “North Texas.” It’s the basketball equivalent of many Dallas Cowboys game.

 

 

Of course, if the BCS had been in charge of March Madness, #7 UConn would have been playing in something like the Carquest or Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

 

 

Reporters in #Kentucky locker room will be outnumbered by agents trying to sign up their #freshmen for #NBADraft #MarchMadness

 

 

 

Go figure, Stanford women can’t beat #UConn in basketball, but as my friend David Lombardi points out, the Stanford men did.

The senior pastor of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale . Florida’s largest megachurch, has resigned after confessing to cheating on his wife. Clearly this is what comes of being too tolerant of heterosexual marriage.

A politically connected friend in Florida says Jeb Bush has decided to run for President. If true this completes the bipartisan bridge to the 20th century.

 

Delta Air Lines announced they will now give free eyeshades and earplugs to economy passengers on international flights, and on flights to Europe coach passengers will receive a full-size bottle of water following their meal service. Gosh. How much will Delta need to raise fares to pay for this?

 

So FB says they will always be free. But how long until they do the airline version of “free” As in if you don’t want your wall crammed into a tighter and tighter column, you have to pay the equivalent of an economy plus surcharge? Just askin’

 

Bizarre thought on the death of Mickey Rooney. Had she lived, Judy Garland would only be 91.

Oscar Pistorius’s murder trial was adjourned Monday today during his testimony, after the accused track star told the judge he was exhausted and did not sleep the night before. “I feel so sorry for him,” said few men and no women.

 

Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told a media ethics and law class in February that it would be “great” if the Star-Ledger, NJ’s largest newspaper, went out of business, adding “I’m going to do all I can to not give them a headline to keep them alive.” Uh, Ms. Hermann, you just did.

(Must say, Julie Hermann and Chris Christie might be a sparring match I’d pay to see.)

Yep, Gary Bachman nails this one. “Phrases you won’t hear on cable news networks: FOX–“Good news for the President”; MSNBC–“Bad news for the President”; CNN–“In other news.””

Timberwolves forward Dante Cunningham. arrested last week for alleged domestic violence towards his live-in girlfriend, was arrested again just three days later for sending her threatening messages that police said “rose to a terroristic level.’ If true, will the charges have an enhancement for criminal stupidity?

 

 

If you haven’t seen the Aquinas college April Fool’s joke, this is two minutes well worth taking.  Who says today’s youth isn’t creative?

 

Cheap shots?

January 17, 2014

 

Now the allegations are that Aaron Hernandez was actually the gunman in a 2012 double murder. This would never happen with Tony Romo. No chance he’d hit the targets.

Florida is spending $2.8 million on new interstate highway signs saying “Florida Welcomes You.” Will the signs also add the practical advice “Duck and cover.”?

In a Florida Walmart, a 77 year old man was arrested for using his shopping cart to bash another customer. The victim, who was not seriously hurt, allegedly had too many items for the Express Lane. Two thoughts: Who hasn’t wanted to do that? And if only they had both been armed.

Tough times in Los Angeles during the NFL playoffs since they don’t have a team. And who’d a thunk they’d now be saying – “Thank God for the Clippers, or we wouldn’t have an NBA team either.”

John C. Kelly, an ex-Morgan Stanley wealth manager, is on trail for secretly recording himself having sex at his NY apt with three different women. He claims he “accidentally” made the recordings with the camera he has set up as a pet dog monitor. Wonder if Kelly also filmed the dog eating his homework?
Great timing award? Jennifer Montana, who designs jewelry, just announced a new piece. It’s in partnership with Marshawn Lynch and it’s a #24 Seahawks necklace.

New MLB instant replay rules will finally let teams to show replays of controversial plays in the stadium. Bud Selig “The opportunity for our fans to see more replays in our ballparks is an important modification that the clubs and I favored.” Right, and Selig acted on this as promptly as he acted on steroids.
Much controversy over the Seahawks not selling playoff tickets to Californians. Actually after watching him on the sidelines last weekend it would make more sense for Seattle to ban coffee shops from selling to Jim Harbaugh.
Oscar nominations are out. And somehow Chris Christie was snubbed for his “I am not a bully” role.
At what point do they just give Meryl Streep a lifetime Oscar and retire her name from Academy Award contention?
A recent Salt Lake Tribune poll found Utah residents are now evenly split on gay marriage, with 48% in favor and 48% against. Well, the state does have a record of accepting unusual unions.
Alex Rodriguez now says he thinks 2014 will be “a new chapter of my life.” Not sure of the ending of this autobiography, but it will definitely be shelved in the fantasy section.
Russell Johnson, “The Professor” on “Gilligan’s Island.” has died. Have to wonder if his character ultimately inspired the astronauts on Apollo 13. (Although you had to wonder, if the Professor could fix anything, why couldn’t he build a boat?)
A Texas man is getting death threats after he paid $350,000 for the right to hunt a black rhino in Nambia. His statement “I want to experience a black rhino. I want to be intimately involved with a black rhino. If I go over there and shoot it or not shoot it, it’s beyond the point.” Well, if he really wants to experience and be intimately involved with the animal, how about he walks up close to it without a gun….

From Bill Littlejohn:   The Dodgers now have seven $20 million men, which now makes their starters the world’s fifth largest economy”

The ring’s not the thing.

March 29, 2013

The Cowboys just gave Tony Romo a six year $108 million deal. Wow. Well, at least Dallas won’t have to find additional room in their budget for Super Bowl rings.

Just thinking, if marriage is all about procreation and children, should we require a woman to be pregnant before a couple marries? Just to make sure they’re doing it for the right reasons…

The San Francisco Giants are apparently trying to figure out a way to get rid of or cut down on the number of seagulls that show up at A T and T Park in the late innings. Four words “Bring your cat day!”

Buster Posey and SF Giants have signed 8 year $167 million deal, though few expect him to catch for all 8 years. And if this 1st base thing doesn’t work out, even in 8 years Buster probably could still pitch faster than Barry Zito.

Meanwhile, Justin Verlander has signed a 7 year contract extension for $180 million. This is great news for the Tigers. And how far have the mighty fallen when the Yankees make staying in Detroit look good?

Rush Limbaugh said today that conservatives “lost the issue” of same-sex marriage by “allowing the word ‘marriage’ to be bastardized and redefined by simply adding words to it.” Hmm, wonder if Rush’s four ex-wives agree with him.

When I was in Sunday School often used to ask why it was called “Good Friday.” Seems like for Jesus there wasn’t much “good” about it.

Truth from my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “A North Carolina company has a dog IQ test for $60. The first sign your dog is smarter than you? If you spend $60 on a dog IQ test.”

One of the (all too brief) joys of March Madness. Rooting wholeheartedly for a team you didn’t know existed last week.

Alaska Rep. Don Young says he “meant no disrespect” when he referred to describe migrant workers on his father’s old ranch as “wetbacks.” Between Young and Palin is Alaska trying to give Arizona and Florida a run in the crazy sweepstakes?

Willie Nelson, keep on smokin’ – “I never thought of marriage as something only for men and women. But I’d never marry a guy I didn’t like.”

Kim Jong Un and George W. Bush… Both destined to make us miss their fathers?

 

From my funny friend Abbe Nelson:  The only reason Dallas signed Tony Romo to such a long contract is that Jerry Jones found God and he wants to hear the home crowd stand up and yell Jesus Christ.

The Heat is gone.

June 13, 2011

Is it just me, or does Callista Gingrich make Cindy McCain look relaxed and natural?

Silver lining for the Miami Heat? After the team’s disappointing and at times childish performances when it was clear they felt entitled to a ring, they’ve all been offered a spot on next year’s “the Bachelorette.”

Another silver lining, for the Heat,  while the Dallas Mavericks get the White House visit with Obama, all the crying and whining has earned Miami a private invitation from John Boehner.

Anyone who doesn’t believe in evolution clearly hasn’t seen Dirk Nowitzki.

I think if JFK were alive he might say to all Americans north of Fort Lauderdale “Ich bein ein Maverick.”

‎24,000 or so emails released from Sarah Palin’s time as Governor of Alaska, and so far nothing ridiculously embarrassing. Which illustrates one point – even the dumbest women seem to be smarter about electronic communication than men.

Speaking of electronic stupidity, apparently Lebron James refers to himself as “King James” in texts.  Open note to Lebron and any other athlete  – before you refer to yourself as royalty, it’s a good idea to actually win a crown first.

Actual Stanford Psychology PhD thesis title: “Using counterfactual transgressions to secure a moral identity.”. “Counterfactual transgressions” – I see a new political buzzphrase coming on.

Also from Stanford commencement –  Mexican President Felipe Calderon was the keynote speaker.  His speech lasted 18 minutes.  Or as Joe Biden would call it, perfect timing for good introductory remarks. 

Suggested by my son’s friend Zev – “Who’s happier tonight?” Fans in Dallas, or in Cleveland?

Actually there’s one unhappy man in Dallas –  Jerry Jones.   The Mavericks win a championship,  the Rangers win the American League championship.  And the Cowboys….   Hey, how about that impressive job Dallas did in hosting the last Super Bowl in their new stadium?   Oops, never mind.