Posted tagged ‘#Marchmadness jokes’

Fight on!

April 1, 2015

USC AD Pat Haden tweeted today he will skip the College Football Playoff meeting this week in Indianapolis. “I am the proud father of a gay son In his honor, I will not be attending the FP committee meeting in Indy this week.” Impressive work by Indiana, who knew you could give USC the moral high ground?

After supporting the new “religious freedom” law strongly, Indiana Governor Mike Pence today said “we’ll fix this and we’ll move forward.” Translation, “we had no idea that even old boys’ clubs NCAA and NFL would be against it. and we’ve $uddenly got million$ of rea$on$ to rethink thi$.”

 

New “Daily Show” host Trevor Noah is taking heat for tweets from a few years back that were misogynistic and/or racist. This should be interesting, Noah may turn off some regular viewers, but he might be the first person on the show to be defended on FOX News.

 

 

We’ll see how it plays out with Trevor Noah’s offensive tweets. But was anyone but me just a bit annoyed that the Daily Show had to go all the way to South Africa to find someone to replace Jon Stewart, rather than hiring a woman?

Coach K and his former player-assistant coach both have chances to hoist banners this year. ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎Duke‬ ‪#‎NITTournament‬ ‪#‎NCAATournament‬

The average salary this year in Major League Baseball will top $4.25 million. You know what that means. Beer prices are going up.

Phil Jackson, trying to reassure Knicks season tickets holders for next year said “We have a clear plan.” Uh, so did Custer.

 

Josie Canesco, 18, daughter of Jose, was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Maybe the apple doesn’t stagger far from the tree.

Alabama RB Tyren Jones was already suspended for “conduct not to the standard of the football program. Now he was arrested for marijuana possession, the third Crimson Tide player arrest in four days. Yep, Nick Saban really is running an NFL type program.

Asked why Tampa should make him the first NFL pick this year, Jameis Winston responded “Because I’m the best player in this draft.” Well, it’s a better answer than “Florida has cheap crab legs.”

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today in court that Aaron Hernandez told him he was innocent of murder. Well, and why would Kraft think anyone connected with the Patriots would have reason to lie?

Just a hint to political fundraisers – putting “URGENT” on emails asking for donations is a great way to get things urgently put into the spam box.

Tough time to be a environmentally conscious Californian. Starbucks gives you a 10 cent discount for bringing a reusable cup. But washing that cup takes water…..

From Gary M, in response to my suggestion that the Falcons pay guys from local frats rather than paying a fine to pipe in crowd noise…. “Good idea, but the frats probably can’t make bail till after the weekend.”

What’s in a word?

March 22, 2015

So ‪#‎Wisconsin‬ survives to challenge the ‪#‎NCAA‬ stenographer for at least another day. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ ‪#‎antidisestablishmentarianism‬

 

(And if you haven’t read aboutf the Badgers and the Stenographer, here’s the link. Might be the best non-Georgia State story of the tournament – http://espn.go.com/blog/collegebasketballnation/post/_/id/105479/nigel-hayes-and-his-wisconsin-teammates-are-fascinated-by-the-ncaa-stenographer)

Stanford vs Rhode Island tonight in the NIT. Many Cardinal fans tuned in, if only for the memories and replays of a game that actually mattered. “And he was FOULED!”

 

 

Stanford holding up ‪#‎Pac12‬ honor in the “Not in Tournament.” So what’s better-worse? Another potential NIT banner? Or being knocked out in the first round of the NCAA’s.

Ted Cruz apparently will announce his candidacy for the Presidency Monday, skipping the usual step of an “exploratory committee.” Well, makes sense. “Exploratory” sounds too much like science.

Jerry Brown said today that U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’ is “unfit” to run for President. It’s actually a birther thing. Cruz was born stupid.

A 46 year old woman was arrested after allegedly stripping on a British Airways flight from Jamaica to London, and then according to the UK Mirror “performing a solo sex act.” Men across the world have one reaction – “Where is the video?”

NY Yankees are advertising individual game tickets against the “best of the American League”. Translation “which in 2015 will not be us.”

In Cottonwood, Arizona, eight police officers and a Walmart employee were assaulted in the store parking lot. Two suspects were shot, one fatally, and seven others were arrested. According to a police spokesman, the suspects are all related. ‪#‎Familyvalues‬ Your move, Florida.

Bloomsburg (Pa.) University dismissed one of their best hitters after he posted a offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis. (He used the four letter S word that is only marginally better than the four letter C word.)

But okay, once again, the guy is not being dismissed so much for being a sexist pig, but for being idiotic enough to tweet it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

John McCain, on CNN, dismissing what “Bibi Netanyahu said during an election campaign.” “If every politician were held to everything they say during a campaign, obviously that would be a topic of long discussion.”

Right, like saying that Sarah Palin was qualified to be President?

Cinderella needs to knock off those Thursday night benders?

March 20, 2015

A 17 year old woman was bitten by an alligator in Tampa while swimming in a retention pond near a mall. When will people learn? In Florida, gators ORIGINATED the concept of “standing your ground.”

Apparently almost 2 percent of entrants in ESPN’s tournament challenge had UCLA advancing to play UAB in the second round. Did they use one of those “quick pick” lottery machines?

Thursday, Day 1, was wild, but Friday’s potential day 2 Cinderellas may have stayed up partying after midnight last night. ‪#‎noupsets‬ ‪#‎NCAATournament‬

 

Happiest people about the lack of upsets on Day 2?  Las Vegas bookies who probably took in a lot of last minute upset-money.

Donald Trump says that as President he promises to make the USA ‘so rich’ that Social Security and Medicare won’t need cuts. So is part of the Donald’s strategy for the country to follow his example and declare bankruptcy four times?

A new poll shows 36% of adults in the Boston area support the city’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. That high?

Eva Mendes yesterday said that the “number one cause of divorce in America” was “sweatpants.” Sweatpants? More like spandex.

The Oklahoma Thunder are shutting Kevin Durant down indefinitely. Along with their season.

 

 

Robert Morris was up 2-0 on Duke today. So maybe we’ve already had the moment that many of the Colonials will later describe as the “one shining moment”of their lives.

 

Buffalo lost today to West Virginia. Thereby ending a mini-controversy over the team having “New York” on its jersey, even though the state school is a long way from New York City. Wonder how many of the complainers were Jets-Giants fans.

Wonder if all those people who thought Kentucky was invincible are getting nervous. That 79-56 win over Hampton yesterday didn’t even cover the 33 point spread. ‪#‎Marchmadness‬

The Oklahoma Thunder announced Kevin Durant has been “removed from basketball activities.” Does that mean they traded him to the Knicks?

 

From Bill Littlejohn “Johnny Manziel is reportedly doing ‘fantastic’ in rehab. Meanwhile, flags are flying at half-staff on the Las Vegas strip.”

 

From Gary Bachman.  “Barack Obama has made his March Madness picks. Unfortunately, they are unlikely to be confirmed by the Senate.”

Opening day, and night, and twilight….

March 30, 2014

So the Dodgers have already played 2 regular season games in Australia, and now got the ESPN Opening Sunday night game? What, did the Yankees turn MLB down?

 

So Brian Wilson came in with a 1-0 lead in the 8th, and gave up 3 runs in a 3-1 Dodgers loss to the San Diego Padres. Welcome to Torture, Los Angeles.

In an article to be published in “Management Science,” researchers found that umpires were 16% more likely to call a ball a strike for a five-time All Star than for a pitcher who had never been in the All-Star game. And the the bias “was even stronger when the pitcher had a reputation for precise control” (like Greg Maddux.) Baseball fans are looking for the accompanying article saying water is wet.

 

Jeopardy is turning 50 this week. What is “What is that question I can’t remember” for $600. Alex?

That profanity-accompanied sound you heard at #ESPN and in the #WhiteHouse is a lot of shredding brackets.#UConn #MarchMadness

 

So wonder how long it will take FOX to claim that President Obama’s picking MSU to win it all was the reason the Spartans lost in the Elite Eight?

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill, 19, has been suspended indefinitely following his arrest for public intoxication. Maybe when Aggie fans told Hill he could be the next Johnny Football, they should have been more specific.

There were riots last night in Tucson after the University of Arizona’s men’s basketball team lost in the Elite 8. Scary to imagine what would have happened if the Wildcats had actually won it all.

 

The GOP is claiming that the last minute rush to meet the Obamacare deadline March 31 is a sign of the weakness of the legislation. Of course had it been President Romney in charge the Republican narrative would have been about setting limits to motivate people.

In Washington, a sign of the apocalypse? “Wizards can clinch playoff spot tonight. #IblameObama

 

Cal basketball coach Mike Montgomery may be retiring. Wonder if Stanford’s trip to the Sweet 16 scuttled any hopes he might have had of returning to coach the Cardinal next year?

 

 

So it begins, Chris Christie has apologized to Sheldon Adelson for a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition in which he recalled an Israel trip where he took “a helicopter ride from the occupied territories….”

 

Now the CNN headline is “Most Promising Leads” detected for MH370. Whether or not they find the plane, someone at the network can write a book someday. “1,000 ways to say nothing.”

The ring’s not the thing.

March 29, 2013

The Cowboys just gave Tony Romo a six year $108 million deal. Wow. Well, at least Dallas won’t have to find additional room in their budget for Super Bowl rings.

Just thinking, if marriage is all about procreation and children, should we require a woman to be pregnant before a couple marries? Just to make sure they’re doing it for the right reasons…

The San Francisco Giants are apparently trying to figure out a way to get rid of or cut down on the number of seagulls that show up at A T and T Park in the late innings. Four words “Bring your cat day!”

Buster Posey and SF Giants have signed 8 year $167 million deal, though few expect him to catch for all 8 years. And if this 1st base thing doesn’t work out, even in 8 years Buster probably could still pitch faster than Barry Zito.

Meanwhile, Justin Verlander has signed a 7 year contract extension for $180 million. This is great news for the Tigers. And how far have the mighty fallen when the Yankees make staying in Detroit look good?

Rush Limbaugh said today that conservatives “lost the issue” of same-sex marriage by “allowing the word ‘marriage’ to be bastardized and redefined by simply adding words to it.” Hmm, wonder if Rush’s four ex-wives agree with him.

When I was in Sunday School often used to ask why it was called “Good Friday.” Seems like for Jesus there wasn’t much “good” about it.

Truth from my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “A North Carolina company has a dog IQ test for $60. The first sign your dog is smarter than you? If you spend $60 on a dog IQ test.”

One of the (all too brief) joys of March Madness. Rooting wholeheartedly for a team you didn’t know existed last week.

Alaska Rep. Don Young says he “meant no disrespect” when he referred to describe migrant workers on his father’s old ranch as “wetbacks.” Between Young and Palin is Alaska trying to give Arizona and Florida a run in the crazy sweepstakes?

Willie Nelson, keep on smokin’ – “I never thought of marriage as something only for men and women. But I’d never marry a guy I didn’t like.”

Kim Jong Un and George W. Bush… Both destined to make us miss their fathers?

 

From my funny friend Abbe Nelson:  The only reason Dallas signed Tony Romo to such a long contract is that Jerry Jones found God and he wants to hear the home crowd stand up and yell Jesus Christ.

More madness….

March 22, 2013

Theme of a lot of people’s #Marchmadness brackets after today. “One round and done.”

The “Catholic 7”   founding members of the new Big East include Georgetown,  Villanova, and Marquette and DePaul.  And then there’s Notre Dame. Last time Catholics were as embarrassed as in this #Marchmadness, priests and altar boys were involved.

For most American sports fans, this weekend is the exciting second round of March Madness. For anyone who had Wisconsin, Marquette, Georgetown , New Mexico and/or Kansas State in the Final Four… we’re only about a week away from MLB opening day.

A 42 year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was arrested for allegedly offering to perform sex acts on a 12-year-old boy. She told the police she was drunk, “confused”, and thought the boy was a man she knew. And across the country guy are thinking “That’s awful – why didn’t any cheerleaders get drunk and confused when I was 12?”

If you feel stupid about college basketball today just think – you could be the rocket scientist who seeded the West bracket….

A falling boulder damaged an SUV on US Highway 101 near Sausalito this morning. Bummer. If a rock was going to fall on an SUV why couldn’t it be one parked in a “compacts only” space?

Not a good morning for the Badgers. Last time sports fans in Wisconsin were this upset, a Brett Favre retirement was involved.

A Frenchman was arrested for impersonating an Air France and sitting in the cockpit of a US Airways plane at Philadelphia Airport. Wonder if the flight attendants became suspicious when the man declined a pre-flight cocktail.

Iowa State upset Notre Dame tonight. At least those who have their brackets further busted can take some consolation in the fact that we won’t have to see those lime-green uniform monstrosities anymore.

Meanwhile, UCLA  continued their best  efforts to be more disappointing this year than the Lakers.

In the meantime, the Los Angeles Lakers lost, AT HOME, to the Washington Wizards.  Making this Kobe and company’s best effort so far to make a case that the Lakers should be at least an NCAA six seed.

NBC is going to air some jailhouse interviews with Jerry Sandusky next week. Wow. I know the network is struggling, but why couldn’t they try to get ratings with something classier like mud wrestling. the Octomom,  or “Girls Gone Wild?”

A Texas woman saw a snake, threw gasoline on it, and set the poor reptile on fire. The snake slithered into a nearby brush pile, starting a fire that burned down the house. Mother Nature and Karma together can be mean bitches.

From my friend M.D. “I’m pretty sure there are no perfect brackets left in America, because the guy who had Harvard AND Florida Gulf Coast could not get out of the institution long enough to submit it. Hell, he couldn’t even get out of the strait jacket.”

The Knicks clinched a playoff spot tonight. Thereby assuring that New York sports fans with a masochistic streak will have alternatives in April to watching the Mets.

Gentlemen, and ladies, start your brackets.

March 17, 2013

Why we know the same people who run the BCS are not on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament selection committee – not only did defending champions Kentucky not get in, but the field only has 3 SEC teams.

Wonder what kind of shape the USA would be in if Americans spent as much time thinking about who they vote for as they do filling out their NCAA brackets? #Marchmadness

So which happens first? President Obama releases his NCAA brackets? Or the GOP criticizes him for making time to select them?

Wonder how busted most people’s brackets would already be if you had to know the city and state of any team picked, and for that matter at least one player on each team….

Pat Boone called President Obama a Marxist. Wonder how many people these days actually remember what a Marxist is? For that matter wonder who many people actually remember who Pat Boone is?

Now former Denver Bronco Elvis Dumervil has fired his agent. Wonder if he did it by fax.

Just saw a commercial saying: “KFC whole chicken is delivered and prepared fresh by real cooks in our restaurants.” Is SNL starting to run their fake ads during the day now?

Two high school football players in Steubenville were found guilty of raping a drunk 16 year old girl at a party last year. Proof perhaps that doing very bad stuff and posting it online trumps even society’s bias in favor of athletes.

Lindsay Lohan apparently could miss her Monday morning court date because she missed her flight last night from NY to LA to stay and party at a local nightclub. Gosh, if she shows up the judge again Lindsay could face a really really stern warning.

Mark Teixeira says his wrist injury may sideline him longer than originally thought, but added “I don’t know if it’s the beginning of May, the end of May, the beginning of June, I don’t know when it is but we got a whole bunch of season left and the time that really matters is the playoffs.” Uh, this assumes the NY Yankees make the playoffs.

 

Of course, GOP Rep. Steve LaTourette is retired so he can say this, “We’re supposed to wonder why we don’t have the women’s vote in this country when we have a candidate suggesting that a child born as a result of rape is a gift from God?” And “If we ever want to be a national party, then we have to look like America. Today we look like a bunch of white guys below the Mason-Dixon line.”