Posted tagged ‘Dodger jokes’

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The $200 million dollar man.

December 5, 2015

Zack Greinke signed a 6 year, $206 million deal with the…. Arizona Diamondbacks? Well, maybe Greinke figured he would do better without all that post-season pressure.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ might have done just fine with Greinke deal: They don’t risk $200 million on a 32 yr-old pitcher & Zack’s no longer with the Dodgers.

 

 

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So Trump has backed down from his demand that CNN donate $5 million for him to participate in the next GOP debate. And the Donald expects us to think he can take on, China, Putin, ISIS….. he can’t even stand tough with a measly cable network.

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Aaron Hernandez has reportedly now been moved to a segregated unit at his maximum security prison, after he was found with a prison-made shank in his cell Thursday. You really do wonder how the former Gators/Patriots star has managed to stay alive to the age of 26. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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LSU’s AD said that the school had made “inquiries” about possible replacements for their football coach, but decided that Les Miles “was the right man for the job. Partial translation, “nobody we thought was better was interested.

 

A new report found that 1 in 4 U.S. bridges is “structurally deficient,” meaning some part of the bridge’s core structure needs repair or complete replacement. And the rest no doubt are in danger with a potential Chris Christie presidency.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ have signed ‪#‎JeffSamardzija‬ to a 5 yr deal. Too soon to tell but so far only really unhappy people have to be SF copy editors.

 

 

A Seattle policeman who pulled a 73 year-old man over for driving without headlights was going to let him off with a warning, when the officer saw the driver allegedly attempting to snort cocaine DURING THE TRAFFIC STOP. Your move, Florida. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Budapest tour guide talks about history and says Hungary has alas chosen the wrong side in all wars. Points out that the country is now part of NATO. And she adds thus NATO cannot start any future wars – because with Hungary involved, they will lose

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From T.C.  “Kobe Bryant has announced that he will retire after this season. I wonder how much collectors will pay for his last “air ball””

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Tear down that flag

June 17, 2015

Covering something serious first this time.  Was just in Memphis at the Lorraine Motel Civil Rights  Museum, where one of their  exhibition on the 1963 Birmingham Church bombing.  A horrible moment in U.S. history, and one you’d LIKE to think we’d moved beyond.   But apparently not.

 

Tomorrow morning in South Carolina the flags will be at half-staff. At the State House, that means the U.S. flag AND the Confederate flag. Too much to hope I suppose that they never raise that Confederate one again….

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Apparently Charleston police briefly handcuffed a young white man who fit the description of the shooter, but quickly released him, unharmed, when they realized he was not the right person. Wonder what would have happened if a young black man had been suspected of shooting nine white people?

 

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But since if we don’t laugh the terrorists win, including the domestic terrorists.    So, though my heart goes out to the friends and families of the victims,  below are jokes written earlier in the evening.

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The University of Texas has just approved the sale of beer to the general public at Darrell K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium, capacity over 100,000 for the 2015 football season, And the state has just legalized firearms on college campuses. ‪#‎WhatcouldPOSSIBLYgowrong‬?

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It pains me to say anything nice about a Dodger. But I do love this tweet from Brandon McCarthy. “in keeping with baseball tradition, a Houston exec should walk into the STL offices and hit their best front office guy with a fastball.” ‪#‎hackgate‬

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The FCC is going to fine AT&T $100 million for “severely” slowing down data speeds for customers who bought so-called “unlimited” mobile data plans. $100 million?!! So assume AT&T will raise rates to a total tune about $150 million to cover their costs.

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Lebron James after the Finals – “We ran out of talent.” And current Lakers fans are going “what is talent?”

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As great a run as San Francisco Bay area teams have had, neither the SF Giants nor the Warriors have clinched a championship in front of a home crowd. And now with the 2016 Super Bowl at Levi’s Stadium, pretty sure that tradition will continue.

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Johnny Manziel said hs trademark money sign “will not be back. I will not be making it out there.” Which we can all hope is a sign of maturity. Or a realization he won’t be having much on the field to celebrate.

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Jim Harbaugh has decided to hold 11 satellite football camps in 7 different states for high school players. which he says is about “sharing a love for football.” Adding, “in my America you’re allowed to cross borders.” Some other coaches, especially in the ACC and SEC, say it’s recruiting and are are apoplectic – Nick Saban says it’s a “competitive disadvantage.”

Not sure about that, but any coach who can upset Nick Saban and the SEC is likely to pick up a lot of fans all across the USA.

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Really, KNBR, Really?! The SF Giants’ and GS Warriors’ flagship radio station is running a Father’s Day contest for listeners to share their favorite sports memories with dad. That’s cool.  But what about a Mother’s Day contest for sharing your favorite sports memory with MOM!?

 

So with ‪#‎SFGiants‬ in Seattle they need a ‪#‎DH‬. Can’t ‪#‎Madbum‬ hit and let ‪#‎McGehee‬ be the DH? ‪

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Apparently Rep. Darrell Issa was kicked out of a closed hearing on Benghazi that he hadn’t been invited to in Washington, D.C. What’s most surprising? The chairman who escorted him out was a fellow Republican. ‪#‎toocrazyevenforawitchhunt‬?

 

My friend Tom forwards this “wish I’d thought of that”  line from his friend Cliff Miller.  “Suggested Trump campaign slogan: We shall overcomb!”

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Counting down.

April 17, 2014

Anyone who says April baseball is boring isn’t paying attention. #Giants #Dodgers

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Four and a half minutes for instant replay to decide a call stands in tonight’s Giants Dodgers game? How long until the instant replay breaks are “brought to you by….”?

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Josh Hamilton and Mike Napoli both have injured themselves on head-first slides, and Gregor Blanco got away with one Tuesday night in SF. Have any of them noticed that NO ONE at the NFL combine finishes the 40 yard dash with a dive?

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The NBA Bucks have been sold, to new owners who say they will keep the team in Milwaukee. Of course this could partly be because no one else wants them.

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Bud Selig called MLB’s instant replay rollout “remarkable” and said “we’ve had really very little controversy overall.” Presume the commissioner reiterated that the steroid era is over.

(from my friend Lindol, “I’ll have what he’s having.”)

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In the #Marlins rotation, Slowey will replace Hand. Does this even need a punchline?

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British PM David Cameron has been photographed enjoying himself on vacation in the Canary Islands at a topless beach. And President Obama no doubt got a call offering to assist with U.S. – England relations from Bill Clinton.

 

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A missing Nebraska toddler was found safe and sound INSIDE a toy claw game machine. Apparently he wanted the stuffed toys inside and managed to squeeze his way through the prize slot. Good thing the slot is small or this story might have given a number of frat boys ideas.

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At online betting site, Bovada, Tiger Woods, at 10-1, is a co-favorite with Rory McIlroy to win the U.S. Open in June. Even though Woods probably won’t play in the U.S. Open. Guess he’s the only name a lot of bettors know?

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As the NBA season ends, remember “2014” as the answer to win a future bar bet.  As in the 1st year ever the Lakers, Knicks and Celtics will all miss the playoffs.

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A United flight from JFK to Dulles was evacuated today after a Twitter post said there was a bomb on board. Silly. For that short a flight there wasn’t even time fpr a GOOD inflight movie.

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The story out of South Korea with that ferry gets worse and worse. Who have ever thought the Costa Concordia would look like a model evacuation by comparison?

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Rough opening days and open mouths?

April 5, 2014

CBS analyst and radio host Boomer Esiason has apologized to the Mets’ Daniel Murphy and his wife, for saying they should have scheduled a C-section before the season started, calling it “a flippant and insensitive remark that I sincerely regret.” Translation, “Oops, forgot women watch and listen to sports too. And I really really would like to keep my jobs here.”

 

The Mariners As game tonight was postponed due to soggy field conditions after recent rains. Well, considering the Coliseum’s recent sewage problems, have to figure players have to feel lucky the sogginess was only water.

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The SF Giants have scored more runs than any team in MLB as of today. And if you say “Just as I predicted,” you must be really good at Liar’s Dice.

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Maybe the Giants should have brought in Barry Bonds as a special hitting instructor sooner?

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And really, how amazing is this SF Giants’  team? Takes serious work to win a game 8-4 and be no-hit for the last seven innings. #SFGiants

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On the other side, Yasiel Puig was benched for the LA Dodgers home opener against the SF Giants because he showed up late for batting practice. On a brighter note for Dodgers fans, at least Puig didn’t get arrested for speeding while trying to be on time.

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James Franco, 35, says he’s “embarrassed” about his revealed conversations with a 17 yr old girl on Instagram, and added “I guess I’m just a model of how social media is tricky.” Uh, no, you’re just a model of being a celebrity male douchebag who’s old enough to know not to hit on teenagers.

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“Money can’t buy me love” dept.. The Dodgers signed a huge $$$ deal with Time Warner. And for now only people with TW cable can see Dodgers games. Which is about 30% of households in the Los Angeles area.

 

Sounds like the latest Fort Hood shooter was ultimately stopped by a female member of the military police. So maybe the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good gal with a gun?

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Tyson recalling 75,320 pounds of chicken nuggets after some customers complained about finding small pieces of plastic in their food. So did the people who purchased nuggets expected them to be large pieces of plastic?

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Oklahoma and Texas have announced their annual college football game, which has been known as “The Red River Rivalry” will now be referred to as the “AT&T Red River Showdown.” But heaven help any players who try to sell any memorabilia from the inaugural “showdown.”

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Really, CNN, really? Today’s MH 370 headline is about plane spotters who took pictures of the plane before it disappeared, one even as recently as “a few months ago.” 

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Okay, I’m a Democrat. But regarding emails to sign petitions for stuff like ‘Send Paul Ryan a message saying you reject his budget.” Does anyone think Paul Ryan gives a rat’s a** what Democrats think of his budget?

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George W. Bush now tells a story of Putin dissing his beloved Scottish Terrier, Barney – “‘You call it a dog?’” And then when W. and Laura visited Russia, Vladimir introduces his “huge hound, obviously much bigger than a Scottish terrier, looks at me and says,’‘Bigger, stronger and faster than Barney.'” What happened to “I looked into his eyes and saw his soul?”

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Opening day, and night, and twilight….

March 30, 2014

So the Dodgers have already played 2 regular season games in Australia, and now got the ESPN Opening Sunday night game? What, did the Yankees turn MLB down?

 

So Brian Wilson came in with a 1-0 lead in the 8th, and gave up 3 runs in a 3-1 Dodgers loss to the San Diego Padres. Welcome to Torture, Los Angeles.

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In an article to be published in “Management Science,” researchers found that umpires were 16% more likely to call a ball a strike for a five-time All Star than for a pitcher who had never been in the All-Star game. And the the bias “was even stronger when the pitcher had a reputation for precise control” (like Greg Maddux.) Baseball fans are looking for the accompanying article saying water is wet.

 

Jeopardy is turning 50 this week. What is “What is that question I can’t remember” for $600. Alex?

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That profanity-accompanied sound you heard at #ESPN and in the #WhiteHouse is a lot of shredding brackets.#UConn #MarchMadness

 

So wonder how long it will take FOX to claim that President Obama’s picking MSU to win it all was the reason the Spartans lost in the Elite Eight?

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Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill, 19, has been suspended indefinitely following his arrest for public intoxication. Maybe when Aggie fans told Hill he could be the next Johnny Football, they should have been more specific.

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There were riots last night in Tucson after the University of Arizona’s men’s basketball team lost in the Elite 8. Scary to imagine what would have happened if the Wildcats had actually won it all.

 

The GOP is claiming that the last minute rush to meet the Obamacare deadline March 31 is a sign of the weakness of the legislation. Of course had it been President Romney in charge the Republican narrative would have been about setting limits to motivate people.

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In Washington, a sign of the apocalypse? “Wizards can clinch playoff spot tonight. #IblameObama

 

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Cal basketball coach Mike Montgomery may be retiring. Wonder if Stanford’s trip to the Sweet 16 scuttled any hopes he might have had of returning to coach the Cardinal next year?

 

 

So it begins, Chris Christie has apologized to Sheldon Adelson for a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition in which he recalled an Israel trip where he took “a helicopter ride from the occupied territories….”

 

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Now the CNN headline is “Most Promising Leads” detected for MH370. Whether or not they find the plane, someone at the network can write a book someday. “1,000 ways to say nothing.”

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Sunday IS the most religious day..

February 27, 2014

The NFL reportedly was considering moving the 2015 Super Bowl from Glendale, Ariz., in the event SB 1062 became law. But Gov. Jan Brewer vetoed the bill, which would have allowed residents to cite religious beliefs as a reason to deny services to anybody. Good to know that in this case, religious intolerance bowed to the greater God of football.

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A Texas judge today struck down the state’s gay marriage ban, saying it had no “rational relation to a legitimate government purpose.” So where are all the “small government” conservatives cheering this one?

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An ESPN poll of the 128 FBS head college football coaches found only 25 who were in favor of changing the rules to slow down the game. Translation, Nick Saban and 24 other coaches who don’t think their teams can run the hurry-up offense.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers announced that Larry King will host a series for the team’s 24/7 television network called “Larry King at Bat.” Presumably Larry hopes to get as a regular guest that nice young man Vin Scully.

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Not the Onion. One of the Dodgers’ giveaways this year will be a Babe Ruth bobblehead in September. (After retiring the Babe spent a year in Brooklyn as a first base coach.) So is L.A. that worried about playing meaningful games to draw in fans in September?

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Dallas owner Jerry Jones says it’s his fault, not Tony Romo’s, that the Cowboys haven’t gotten to the Super Bowl. What, because Jones didn’t trade Romo?

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Raymond Felton, arrested on felony gun charges and for allegedly waving a loaded at his estranged wife during an argument, stated “This is not a distraction to this team.” Forget the “gay teammate” question, where’s the poll asking players how comfortable they are with this kind of idiot in the locker room?

 

From Marc Ragovin:  “One day after being charged with illegal gun possession, Raymond Felton of the NY Knicks briefly addressed the matter with reporters, then shifted the discussion to the team’s playoff push. Ahhh, so I see he’s laying the groundwork for an insanity defense.”

 

 

Jim Lange, former California radio icon, and host of “Name that Tune” and “The Dating Game”, passed away this week. At his service, mourners will be invited to name that hymn in only five, four, three notes…..

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Apparenlty the world’s largest exchange for trading bitcoin currency shut down today, triggering a massive sell-off. So maybe the bitcoin era is ending before I even had to figure out what it was?

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Ohio is ending early voting on Sundays and weekday evenings, leaving early voting only by absentee ballot, or in person for four weeks from 8a-5pm M-F, and two Saturdays. Secretary of State Jon Husted said – with a straight face – “Our goal is to make it easy to vote and hard to cheat and to ensure that everyone has an equal opportunity in the voting process.” Right, because cheaters only come out at night and on Sundays. And no one ever mails in someone else’s absentee ballot….

 

From my friend Jim Barach:  “Colorado is cracking down on DUIs from people driving while stoned. Recently a police officer was involved in a chase with a suspected pot smoker that reached speeds up to 7 mph.”

(Just thinking, if California ever legalizes marijuana, it ought to get real interesting with all our Priuses. (Prii?)

 

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Droning on…

June 5, 2013

Domino’s is testing a drone, dubbed the DomiCopter, that could someday deliver two large pizzas within a four mile radius in 10 minutes. Considering the fat and calories in an average large Domino’s pizza, this drone is likely to kill a lot more Americans than those used by the Defense Department.

The GOP is mad at Chris Christie for calling a special election in October and not appointing a Republican senator through 2014. Democrats are mad at the N.J. Governor for not having the election three weeks later when he himself is running for re-election. Thinking if you can annoy both parties you must be doing something right.
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Chris Christie has called a special election for October 16 to replace N.J. Senator  Frank Lauterberg. Smart decision. Avoids the political trap of choosing someone to serve 18 months, and at least Mets, Phillies and probably Yankees fans won’t be distracted by playoff games.
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Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is finally final. So where are all the defenders of traditional marriage for procreation and child raising on this one?

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Am I happy reading about the tax money spent on expensive IRS conferences, no? But a little amusing to hear the outrage from Congress when they also support allowing tax deductions for “business expenses” like Michelin-starred meals, five-star hotels and Super Bowl tickets…

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Adrian Peterson says now that he would be okay with a openly gay teammate. But that “simple things, as far as showers and things like that, you know, of course, anyone would be uncomfortable.” Once again, proof that women are tougher than men.

 

Wednesday’s Blue Jays Giants game is a 100mph pitchers’ duel. Dickey and Zito combined might throw 100mph.

Well, we knew Yasiel Puig could hit AAA pitching. Now let’s see what happens when the Dodgers take on someone other than the Padres.
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Meanwhile from Bill Littlejohn:   “A skunk made an appearance in the stands at Dodger Stadium last night.Scouting reports said that he’s a pretty good spray hitter”

(insert Pepe Le Puig joke here.)
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“Really?” department: The Pres. of the Coalition for Life of Iowa, a witness at the IRS hearings said her group was provisionally granted 501(c)(3) nonprofit status on the condition that its officers sign a promise that they would not protest nor organize protests or pickets of Planned Parenthood. “That’s not what we’re even about. When we go to Planned Parenthood, we’re there to pray. Granted some of our members do bring signs….”
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After a few statements he made at a dinner in December became public, Ohio State president Gordon Gee announced his retirement today. Gee had simply joked about “those damn Catholics” at Notre Dame and mocked SEC academics. Kind of makes you wonder what else he said that might be on someone’s video.
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After #GameofThornes #RedWedding presumably there will be less bitching from #DowntonAbbey fans that the show is too cruel to its characters.
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From Paul Seaburn   “Former Miss America Erika Harold announced she’ll run for Congress in Illinois in 2014 as a Republican. Her platform is expected to be shoes.”

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Changing seasons:

April 1, 2011

Forget  all this equinox stuff, TODAY is the first real day of Spring. Play Ball!

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As the first pitch was thrown on Opening Day, thousands and thousands of fans were still filing into Dodger Stadium. Good to see Los Angeles fans are in mid-season form.

Orel Hershiser said during the ESPN Opening Night game that the SF Giants haven’t faced a batting practice pitcher like Kershaw. With all due respect, anyone in the Giants organization who throws like Clayton Kershaw (lefty, mid-nineties with control) won’t be throwing batting practice.

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Another discussion topic on Opening night was whether or not the Dodgers are committed to winning.  Well, Frank and Jamie McCourt are certainly committed to winning, the problem is, it’s in their divorce case against each other.

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The missing cobra from the Bronx Zoo was caught alive today. I see a made-for-television movie in our future – a combination of “Escape from New York” and “Snakes on a Plane.”

(the Cobra was located in an out of the way corner of the Reptile House.  As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “Even cobras know it’s not safe to go outside in the Bronx.)

John Mellencamp and Stephen King are collaborating on a new musical. Let me guess, it’s not going to be produced by Disney.

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Chad Pennington (torn ACL) has now joined Zack Grienke (cracked rib) on the list of athletes who have injured themselves playing pickup basketball. Why can’t these guys follow the NBA players’ regular season regimen?:   Just don’t play that hard.

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Barry Zito’s car was broadsided by a red-light runner in Los Angeles last night. Fortunately the Giants pitcher was not seriously injured although his car was severely damaged. SF fans are hoping that’s the hardest Zito gets hit all year.  (assist to T.C.)

So the movie industry can take a perfectly lovely movie like “The King’s Speech,” and turn it into a PG13 film by cutting some off-colour language. Then why can’t they take some other top-rated films and re-release them as PG13 by cutting out some graphic and bloody violence?

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And they can’t even blame it on the butterfly ballot. A Florida PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows that in a hypothetical rematch, after only 2 months, Governor Rick Scott would lose to his Democratic opponent Alex Sink, 56 to 37 percent, with 16 percent of voters switching sides, INCLUDING 21 percent of Republicans.  Is there something in the water?  

(Too bad the governorship isn’t like Target, with a 90 day return policy with receipt.)

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Embarrassments?

September 12, 2010

Stanford 35, UCLA 0. This could be the most embarrassing thing to happen in Los Angeles since the Dodgers.

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Good news from Gainesville, the home of the University of Florida, and the “Dove World Outreach Church.”)

On September 11, nothing got burned except USF’s secondary (The Gators won 38-14), and Penn State women’s volleyball 109 consecutive match winning streak. (Stanford beat them in 3 sets.)

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Meanwhile, the Vatican issued a message calling for Catholics worldwide to show love and tolerance. Except pertaining to Ann Arbor, Michigan.

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Congrats to Quarterback Denard Robinson, who broke the school record with 502 total yards today in Michigan’s 28-24 win over Notre Dame. It takes a special talent to overcome the coaching abilities of Rich Rodriguez.

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Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl got fined $1.5 million for making misleading statements to the university amidst an NCAA investigation.

Guess Tennessee can use the money to help pick up the pieces left by football coach Lane Kiffin – who misled the university, and got the team under an NCAA investigation. And got rewarded with a new contract at USC.

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The USA basketball team has quietly made it to the FIBA World Basketball Championships, without much fanfare or high ratings back home in America.

So much for all those who said that Americans didn’t care about the World Cup because it wasn’t our sport. We don’t care about any sport unless it’s the NFL, NBA, or maybe Major League Baseball.

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Pat Riley is complaining already about those who have made personal attacks against players on the Miami Heat. And really, what have any members of the team done to warrant any unwanted special attention this summer?

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Alabama 24, Penn State 3. Joe Paterno is about to discover one of the only good thing about being 84 years old. He may not remember this game in the morning.
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Shocking upset of the day, Virginia Tech lost today to James Madison. The biggest shock to most sports fans, that James Madison HAS a football team.

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Meg Whitman has been running ads saying she’s the only “fiscally responsible” candidate for Governor in California. And she’ll spent as many millions as it takes to get that message out.

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Question of the day. At an event with Glenn Beck in Anchorage, Sarah Palin asked the crowd “What would we do without Fox News?”

Any readers want to answer that question? (Keep it PG-13, please.)

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