Posted tagged ‘Putin jokes’

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Bash brother.

January 18, 2017

Jose Canseco, voice of reason ““It’s a great day for the hypocrisy of the #HallOfFame voting induct all that used Peds or induct none.”

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With steroid era revisited Pudge Rodriguez follows Bud Selig into Hall of Fame, Bonds still excluded. WTF?  Can we blame Russian hackers?

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Patriots fans on social media think the commissioner is ducking the Sunday game in Foxboro, And radio station WEEI says “not attending AFC championship may be Roger Goodell’s most embarrassing moment yet.
With all due respect, not attending the game probablyisn’t even going to be Goodell’s most embarrassing moment this week.

 

Yeah, we’re all special snowflakes out in California but did we have to go straight from a drought into becoming a soggier version of Seattle?

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Last words from #ObamaPressconference were “Good Luck.” Wonder how tempted he was to add “You’re going to need it.”?

 

If #ChelseaManning said she was only leaking all that classified information on behalf of Russia would GOP be okay with her pardon?

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Vladimir Putin defended Donald Trump against allegations he used Russian prostitutes, but added that “ours are the best in the world.” Okay, I’m appalled. Where’s the defense of American worker superiority from Trump on this one?

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Despite rumors of him choosing a Latino, Trump has apparently picked ex-Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, 70, as Secretary of Agriculture. Because the President Elect just doesn’t have enough old white men in his cabinet.

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#Livefromthe2017Inauguration only REALLY becomes a trending hashtag if we survive through day Trump first gets nuclear codes.

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Martin Shkreli, downplaying Twitter suspension ““Twitter is actually pretty obsolete.” Ooh, potential Shkreli Trump war. #Passthelargepopcorn

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TMZ reports Michael Flatley is going to dance at one of Trump’s inaugural balls. All together now – “Who?”

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Julian Assange had promised to to “agree to US extradition” if “Obama grants Manning clemency.” Now his lawyer says “Mr. Assange welcomes the announcement that Ms. Manning’s sentence will be reduced and she will be released in May, but this is well short of what he sought. Mr. Assange had called for Chelsea Manning to receive clemency and be released immediately.”
As Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” #snake

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Remember those innocent days when we thought worst that could happen Friday was putting another Bush in the White House? #Inauguration

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Some discussion and worry about what kind of redecorating Trump might do inside the White House. But he will probably be more focused on putting up neon “T.R.U.M.P” letters outside.

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Missed the sign?

June 30, 2016

After leading the Brexit movement, Boris Johnson has now said he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister. Whatever happened to “You break it, you buy it.”

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The Dodgers have put Clayton Kershaw on the DL with a herniated  disc. SF Giants are wishing Kershaw well, and thinking “Don’t risk your career and health, take the rest of the summer off.”

 

Madison Bumgarner was the first pitcher since 1976 to be scheduled to bat for himself in an AL park.  And he doubled to lead off the 3rd in a six-run inning.  Clearly this was all the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ needed to wake them up after a horrible evening.. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoInspire‬

 

‪#‎SFGiants‬ played much better defense tonight. Presumably they didn’t want to screw up & have to answer to ‪#‎Madbum‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhocanhandleabat‬

 

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Johnny Manziel has apparently been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Well, gosh, hope that doesn’t make some team decide it would be risky to sign him.

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Disney World has apparently pulled Louis the alligator, from their Princess and the Frog movie, from the new Friendship Faire Castle Show, and Peter Pan’s Tick-Tock the Croc, from the Festival of Fantasy Parade.
Good thing that poor little boy didn’t get run over in the Anaheim parking lot, or Disney might have had to close Cars Land.

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Rolando McClain, the Dallas Cowboys LB who was suspended for the 1st four games of the 2015 NFL season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, has now been suspended the first 10 games of this season for violating the same policy.
At some point it’s not a suspension for drugs, it’s a suspension for stupidity.

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The FDA is now saying not to eat raw cookie dough, because uncooked flour can be hazardous to your health. Hmm, sounds like an opportunity for millions of Americans to start describing themselves as courageous risk takers.

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Utah senator Mike Lee says he won’t support Donald Trump because Trump attacked ‘my best friend’ – Ted Cruz. Shocking. Cruz has a best friend?

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Gwyneth Paltrow was apparently shocked to hear that Star Magazine declared her “the most hated celebrity.” “What did I do?” Well, cluelessness is a good start….-

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A new USA Today poll shows Americans by 4-1 margin agree that the Brexit vote to leave the EU “was a sign of anger and dissatisfaction that can be seen in other countries, including the United States.”
Wonder how many Americans have any idea what the EU is?

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Mike Ditka has declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the Republican National Convention. Guess he hasn’t been hit on the head THAT many times.

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One of the Istanbul airport attackers was apparently Russian. So much for that Trump-Putin bromance.

 

Donald Trump today, speaking as a plane buzzed overhead “That could be a Mexican plane up there. They’re getting ready to attack.” Isn’t it nice that that Donald is trying to be more Presidential?

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Higher math?

March 14, 2015

In India, a bride left her husband to be at the altar after testing him on his math skills. She asked “How much is 15 plus six?” He answered, 17. Just guessing that’s not going to be part of Bristol Palin’s wedding ceremony.

 

 

Since their performances in Chicago on July 4 weekend sold out so quickly, the surviving members of the Grateful Dead are reportedly thinking about adding shows at Levi’s Stadium or AT&T Park. Now, I know a lot of Deadheads are in the SF Bay Area. But really, for real authenticity, shouldn’t the band now consider a show in Colorado?

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Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for over a week. Yesterday Swiss paper Bilk reported that the Russian leader, 62, was in Switzerland with his rumored girlfriend, Alina Kabayeva, 31, a former gold-medal gymnast, for the birth of their daughter. Hmm. wonder if Putin will return saying he was hiking the Alpine trail.

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RIP Al Rosen, 91.. Seems sadly fitting that he and Candlestick Park would not outlive each other. ‪#‎Yougottalikethiskids‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Who says geeks have no sense of humor? MIT issued its admissions decisions Saturday night at 9:26pm ‪#‎PiDay‬

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Amazing some of the “stupid-is-a-virtue” types in this country weren’t screaming about “Happy Pi Day” being elitist. But to be fair, they probably thought it only refers to dessert.

 

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Groupon is selling tickets to see Chicago and Earth, Wind & Fire this July. Is this a good idea now? The bands’ targeted demographic may not be able to remember anything they book that far ahead.

 

The Toronto Raptors just ended a 16-game losing streak tonight against the Miami Heat. And the Philadelphia 76ers sniffed “amateurs!”

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The San Jose Sharks may not make the playoffs, but they’re making headlines. On Thursday, GM Doug Wilson told a group of season holders that the team took the captain’s “C” from Joe Thornton because the pressure and stress were getting to him. And on Friday, Thornton told the Mercury News, Doug “just needs to stop lying, shut his mouth.” Who do the Sharks think they are? The 49ers?

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Jeb Bush refused to say whether he would have signed the letter the 47 Senators wrote to Iran, saying they did it out of “frustration” and “that I do think that we need to get back to a bipartisan consensus on foreign policy.” Translation, I want to be President and I don’t want the Democrats doing the same thing to me.

 

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As Americans prepare for selection Sunday, perhaps a way we could get people to focus on their vote for 2016 is to start a Presidential Bracket. 64 picks, presumably with Bush and Clinton as one seeds, maybe Walker and Warren next. Plenty of trendy picks like Christie, Paul, etc. And enough potential Cinderellas to fill out the rest. (Not like say, Harvard, has any more chance than some political unknowns.)

Then simply say the brackets could not be used for real betting purposes and let the fun begin.

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East and West?

November 12, 2014

Wonder how the East Coast gets that reputation about being clueless about West Coast baseball. In an ESPN thread about the Red Sox trying to sign Pablo Sandoval, a “top commenter” complains Panda has “NO power..he hit 14 homers last year in a friendly park….” Right. All the free agents sluggers want to come to AT&T because it’s such a hitters’ park…..-

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Apparently Mark Sanchez, who has a reputation for being kind of a sensitive guy, is quite happy with the adulation from Eagles fans after his game last night. Next week’s game though, is in Green Bay. Good thing Philly fans are so loving and loyal toward their players.

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Megyn Kelly introduced Mike Huckabee today and replaced the “H” in his name with a “F.” An accident? Or a shameless attempt by Fox News to go after that all important pre-teen boy viewer demographic?

 

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Fox announced that Randy Jackson is leaving “American Idol.” And a lot of Americans responded “American Idol is still on?”

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OF Michael Cuddyer has left Colorado to sign with the NY Mets. What Cuddyer is about to find out… it’s not like the Mets are really better than the Rockies. But in New York, when a team sucks, people actually notice.

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The Mormon church just admitted that founder Joseph Smith had 40 wives.  One as young as 14.   But note here. 40 wives. Not a single husband.  The man took the sanctity of marriage seriously.

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Bears coach Marc Trestman said Jay Cutler “didn’t play very well,” Sunday night and wants him “to play better.” Because had Cutler had a good game Chicago might have only lost 55-35?

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In a Hollywood movie theater, a woman reportedly used mace on a man who asked her to put her cellphone away. And Floridians are thinking, “Lucky guy, she didn’t shoot him.”

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And you think you might need a life? Two women in Beaumont, California, have been camping since Nov 5. in front of a Best Buy so they can be first in line for the Black Friday sale, which begins Nov. 27 at 5pm .

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So some in the media were up in arms over New Orleans at 4-5 potentially hosting a playoff game. Where was this outrage when the 7-9 Seahawks hosted and beat the 10-6 Saints.

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George W. Bush has a new book out – “41. Portrait of my Father,” about George H.W. Bush. Impressive. So the former President has now written two books before he’s read one.

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The Chinese have censored an internet photo showing Vladimir Putin wrapping a shawl around the wife of the president of China. Wonder what they would have done if W. had been around to give her a shoulder rub?

 

Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino is getting a $500,000 bonus for keeping his players academically eligible. Wonder if the Cardinals borrowed course syllabi from UNC?

 

 

There are many good reasons to choose MLB awards before the postseason. On the other hand, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ Bruce Bochy has one “Manager of the Year” award. And it’s from 1996 with the San Diego Padres.

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Watching the ‪#‎Spurs‬ in action you have to wonder how ‪#‎SanAntonio‬ would ever stoop so low as to recruit the ‪#‎Raiders‬.

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Provocation?

July 26, 2014

Stephen A. Smith started out today about the Ray Rice situation telling women “Let’s make sure we don’t do anything to provoke wrong actions.” And then in his first apology “What about addressing women on how they can help prevent the obvious wrong being done upon them?” What is with Smith? Does he want to leave ESPN for a job at NFL headquarters.

 

And not that I condone violence, but it would be hard to be too broken up if some random woman hauls off and punches Stephen A. Smith, suggesting that he in future try not to “provoke wrong actions.”

 

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So today the Russian consumer protection agency said they are suing McDonalds for selling foods that contain more fats and carbohydrates than are allowed by national regulations. What’s next, Putin saying the U.S. via McDonald’s has killed more people than the MH17 missile?

(Or maybe it’s just that Putin has a man-crush on Michael Bloomberg.)

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They’re now selling seats from Candlestick Park before the stadium is being torn down. ($749 a pair, with a $50 discount for SFGiants season ticket holders.) Wonder for authenticity if the seats come with a free ice pack?

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Chris Paul has joined Doc Rivers in saying he could boycott the season if Donald Sterling is still in charge. So who knows, maybe there’s a chance the Lakers won’t be the worst NBA team in Los Angeles this year.

 

 

Rough night for SF Giants at A T and T, losing 8-1 on a night when Yasiel Puig got three triples and a double. Maybe the Giants strategy was to have Puig run enough he might pull a hamstring.

Zack Greinke struck  out four SF Giants in one inning.    Atlanta Braves fans were shocked one wasn’t Dan Uggla.

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But, hey, the  Dodgers had an off-day Thursday in San Francisco. #SFGiants were just one day behnd.

 

Johnny Manziel, about his off-field adventures. “At the end of the day,’ Manziel said, ‘I’ve made some rookie mistakes.’ But hey, now training camp has started. So soon Johnny can make some on-field rookie mistakes.

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A recent poll said 65% percent of Americans don’t want President Obama impeached. But 35% do. Leaving politics aside guess this means at least 35% of Americans have never actually read the Constitution.

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Gun rights advocates are touting the “good guy with a gun” case of an armed Philadelphia doctor who wounded a psychiatric patient who allegedly killed his caseworker and was apparently planning a mass shooting. Glad the guy was stopped. But what was a psychiatric patient with a long criminal history doing with a gun and over 40 bullets in the first place?

 

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Drew Brees, 35, says he feels like he’s still 25, and “I could play for another 10 years. And that would be my goal.” The Green Bay Packers are thinking “Damn, nobody tell Brett Favre,”(who’s 44.).

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A Google Shopping Express contract worker was arrested and charged with stealing more than $1000 of merchandise from a Target store while she was buying items for customers.

TThe woman has a criminal history involving possession and sale of meth. But apparently Google subcontracts out the shopping and the subcontractor didn’t do background checks.    Can’t wait to see what fun we could have with subcontracted Amazon drone operators.

 

 

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Walking the line?

July 20, 2014

The future King of England, Prince George, is upright. Probably more upright than Prince Harry after a night on the town.

Prince George Of Cambridge First Birthday

 

The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit over “Billy Cub”, a fake mascot that allegedly has been engaging in bad behavior outside Wrigley Field. Wonder how long it will take some Cubs season ticket holders to file a lawsuit over bad behavior on the field inside Wrigley.

 

The Mariners and Angels have played two games since the All-Star Break, totaling 28 innings. Note to both teams, the World Cup is over, enough with the stoppage time.

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And if  the MLB season ended today, the Angels and Mariners would be in a one-game wild card playoff. Seattle is 6.5 games behind L.A.(Anaheim.) But if they could start Felix Hernandez, they’d be the favorites to advance. Another “gift” from Bud Selig.

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Giancarlo Stanton takes  Sergio Romo deep to lead off the bottom of the ninth in Miami. “I didn’t see that coming.” Said nobody.

 

In a 5-1 game that became a 5-3 game  #SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy removed Sergio Romo in the ninth after a home run and a double and apparently told Romo that it wasn’t about him finishing the game, but wanted Casilla to get the work. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

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Huston Street, after being traded from San Diego to the Angels “I believe in the Padres’ ownership. They want to win and they are not content with status quo. I blame the players for what’s happened here.” Right, all those high-priced superstars that just can’t gell as a team, like so-and-so, and him, and.., can anyone name a Padre? (More than one.)

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Newt Gingrich wrote an op-ed saying that President Obama hides in a fantasy world. Of course, Gingrich’s fantasy is that he’s still relevant.

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Vladimir Putin is retaliating against new sanctions against Russia by denying some Americans visas. Just thinking flying into Russia is not at the top of too many people’s wish lists right now.

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The NY Knicks may sign Metta World Peace again. Not sure if it will help the team. But this is good news for comedy writers.

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Rand Paul, who’s against raising the minimum wage, talked about his son happily delivering pizza,: “The minimum wage is a temporary thing. It’s a chance to get started.” Of course, if you’re the son of a senator, it probably is a way to get started….what about all those other grown-ups still working those jobs?

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The Heat is really on

June 5, 2014

The air conditioning broke down at A T & T Center during game 1 of the NBA Finals between the San Antonio and Miami, resulting in temperatures inside the arena topping 90 degrees. And over in New Orleans they’re thinking. “Hah, all we had was a little Super Bowl temporary power blackout.”

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So isn’t it supposed to be the old folks who can’t handle the heat? #MIAvsSA #Spurs #Heat.

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Who knew the Heat couldn’t handle the Heat?

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So the Seattle Pacific University gunman was apparently subdued by pepper-spraying students as he stopped to reload. So the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a non-automatic gun and good guys with pepper spray?

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South Carolina police are investigating how a loaded gun wound up among children’s toys at a Myrtle Beach Target store. Guns in the toy department are only supposed to be found at Walmart.

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A Crowne Plaza in Mexico City is advertising a room as “2 DBL BEDS WITH JACUZZI TUB. VACATION WITH YOUR SWEETIE IN THIS COZY JUNIOR SUITE.” Uh, two double beds? Reminds me of the Cialis ad with two tubs.

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The #HoustonAstros once again had today’s first draft pick. They’re now the #ClevelandCavaliers of MLB.

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Go figure. Hockey-mad Canada has the best team in the AL East, and baseball-mad New York has the best NHL team in the East. Wonder how many Torontonians can name three Blue Jays and how many New Yorkers can name three Rangers.

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A court has suspended Jim Irsay’s driver’s license for one year following his DUI arrest. Guess Roger Goodell will bring the hammer down and punish the Indianapolis Colts’ owner as severely as a player who does something really egregious, like wearing unauthorized socks.

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Understated corporate comment of the month. “You have successfully reset your password. eBay is not requesting that you take any further action at this time. If you would like to call us, please know our colleagues are especially busy right now assisting other customers and we apologize in advance for making you wait.”

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While I know as a Giants fans that the Dodgers could go on a tear any minute, Don Mattingly just said that L.A. “hasn’t felt like a true team at this point.” Gosh, wonder what the rea$on$ for that could be?

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Hillary Clinton in March criticized Vladimir Putin “a tough guy with a thin skin.” Putin’s reply in an interview aired yesterday: “It’s better not to argue with a woman. But Ms. Clinton has never been too graceful in her statements.” Well, at least he proved the second part of her statement.

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Sarah Palin is bashing Obama for releasing prisoners to free a soldier with “Anti-American views.” So I guess in future our armed forces members should fill out a political questionnaire before going to war so we can decide if they are worth saving?

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Bowe Bergdahl may be a young man with some serious issues, but what would Sarah Palin and other GOP politicians be saying if he were one of THEIR sons?

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A new Houston spa, called “Float Baby,” offers babies (with moms nearby) a 1 hour water floatation and infant massage for $65. This is why other countries hate us.

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From T.C.  “Following Super Bowl XLIX, the following year will be marketed as Super Bowl 50, using standard numerals. Why did it take them XVIII weeks to come up with this change?   Btw, The NFL has announced that Super Bowl 50 will be played in the year MMXVI.”

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Rough opening days and open mouths?

April 5, 2014

CBS analyst and radio host Boomer Esiason has apologized to the Mets’ Daniel Murphy and his wife, for saying they should have scheduled a C-section before the season started, calling it “a flippant and insensitive remark that I sincerely regret.” Translation, “Oops, forgot women watch and listen to sports too. And I really really would like to keep my jobs here.”

 

The Mariners As game tonight was postponed due to soggy field conditions after recent rains. Well, considering the Coliseum’s recent sewage problems, have to figure players have to feel lucky the sogginess was only water.

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The SF Giants have scored more runs than any team in MLB as of today. And if you say “Just as I predicted,” you must be really good at Liar’s Dice.

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Maybe the Giants should have brought in Barry Bonds as a special hitting instructor sooner?

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And really, how amazing is this SF Giants’  team? Takes serious work to win a game 8-4 and be no-hit for the last seven innings. #SFGiants

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On the other side, Yasiel Puig was benched for the LA Dodgers home opener against the SF Giants because he showed up late for batting practice. On a brighter note for Dodgers fans, at least Puig didn’t get arrested for speeding while trying to be on time.

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James Franco, 35, says he’s “embarrassed” about his revealed conversations with a 17 yr old girl on Instagram, and added “I guess I’m just a model of how social media is tricky.” Uh, no, you’re just a model of being a celebrity male douchebag who’s old enough to know not to hit on teenagers.

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“Money can’t buy me love” dept.. The Dodgers signed a huge $$$ deal with Time Warner. And for now only people with TW cable can see Dodgers games. Which is about 30% of households in the Los Angeles area.

 

Sounds like the latest Fort Hood shooter was ultimately stopped by a female member of the military police. So maybe the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good gal with a gun?

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Tyson recalling 75,320 pounds of chicken nuggets after some customers complained about finding small pieces of plastic in their food. So did the people who purchased nuggets expected them to be large pieces of plastic?

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Oklahoma and Texas have announced their annual college football game, which has been known as “The Red River Rivalry” will now be referred to as the “AT&T Red River Showdown.” But heaven help any players who try to sell any memorabilia from the inaugural “showdown.”

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Really, CNN, really? Today’s MH 370 headline is about plane spotters who took pictures of the plane before it disappeared, one even as recently as “a few months ago.” 

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Okay, I’m a Democrat. But regarding emails to sign petitions for stuff like ‘Send Paul Ryan a message saying you reject his budget.” Does anyone think Paul Ryan gives a rat’s a** what Democrats think of his budget?

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George W. Bush now tells a story of Putin dissing his beloved Scottish Terrier, Barney – “‘You call it a dog?’” And then when W. and Laura visited Russia, Vladimir introduces his “huge hound, obviously much bigger than a Scottish terrier, looks at me and says,’‘Bigger, stronger and faster than Barney.'” What happened to “I looked into his eyes and saw his soul?”

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Missed it by that much….

March 24, 2014

Today was a rough Monday.  All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.

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For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.

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Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.

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Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.

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Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?

 

 

 

So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?

 

 

In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.

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Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”

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Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”

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The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.

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Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..

 

From Neil Berliner :   The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.

 

A couple MH 370 thoughts.

Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.

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As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.

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Brackets, brackets, who’s got brackets?

March 16, 2014

Selection Sunday for March Madness. That glorious time of year when your heart can be broken by a team you didn’t know existed a few days ago.

 

St Patrick’s Day is Monday.. So wonder how many Americans will end up blaming their bracket mistakes on too much green beer?

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Selection Sunday! Where beyond the #1 seeds, the biggest drama is which bubble teams will complain bitterly that they just missed a #16 seed...

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There was a televised NIT selection show Sunday night. And if you knew that, you are probably just a bit over obsessed with brackets.

And if you watched the show and aren’t related to someone connected to an NIT team, you are probably more than a bit over obsessed.. (No, I didn’t watch, but saw it while flipping Direct TV channels on a plane.)

And if you are upset that your favorite team fell just short of the NIT tournament… well….

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Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Sr. is reportedly near death. “What a shame” said absolutely positively nobody.

 

 

President Obama says the U.S. will not recognize the Crimean election. Will Putin counter that Russia allowed election observers sent by Kim Jong-Un?

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John McCain today – “Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.” Guessing this eliminates all chance of the Senator being seated next to Vladimir Putin at a future White House state dinner.

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United announcement on plane today:  ,”If San Francisco is not your final destination please come forward so we can get you on the correct plane.” No takers but uh, shouldn’t your boarding pass readers have caught that?

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A new Republican CNN poll shows the leader for the 2016 Presidential nomination is… Rand Paul?!. Which means somewhere Hillary Clinton might be starting her St. Patrick’s Day toasting early!

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In Palm Coast, Florida, an man drinking at a resort bar left and returned later in the evening dressed as Rambo, carrying an assault rifle and two hunting knifes. Two other bar patrons were able to subdue him and grab the gun, sustaining only minor knife injuries in the process. And the Rambo wanna-be is in custody. Your move, Arizona.

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Reality television star Kristin Cavallari says she will not get her son vaccinated because she’s “read too many books.” Shocking. Kristin reads books?

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Scattered pictures

March 5, 2014

Listening to the song “Kodachrome” on the radio and realizing the younger generation has no idea what “kodachrome” is. For that matter, few may soon recognize the term “Nikon camera.”

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At the Onion they must be throwing their hands in the air and saying “Can’t top this. We give up.” Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

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A teacher in England was suspended for taping her students’ mouths shut because they wouldn’t keep quiet. Wonder if she’s already been offered a job with several airlines?

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Ryan Braun has a .875 batting average in the Cactus League. Either the guy’s got a major chip on his shoulder to prove he can play clean, or he’s found a REALLY undetectable PED.

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So a young Travolta had “Saturday Night Fever.” Did he now have “Sunday Night Fever?” Symptoms including memory lapse and stumbling over words?

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The NCAA Football Rules Committee apparently has given up on a proposal that would have basically outlawed the “hurry-up” offense. Who knew, guess the NCAA is not a WHOLLY owned subsidiary of the SEC and Nick Saban.

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Nick Saban, still pushing an end to the hurry-up offense “”The fastball guys (up-tempo coaches) say there’s no data out there, and I guess you have to use some logic. What’s the logic? If you smoke one cigarette, do you have the same chances of getting cancer if you smoke 20? I guess there’s no study that specifically says that. But logically, we would say, ‘Yeah, there probably is.'” Hmm, after reading this have to wonder, what is Saban smoking?

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In an interview, Pope Francis reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage but suggested it could support some types of civil unions. If Francis retires from the Vatican someday could the U.S. borrow him?

 

Michele Bachman, angry about Jan Brewer’s veto of SB 1062. “Right now, there’s a terrible intolerance afoot in the United States, and it’s against people who hold sincerely held religious beliefs.” Assume Michele would feel the same way if a Muslim refused to serve her because she’s a woman?

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Chipotle says there’s a chance it could stop selling guacamole temporarily due to an avocado shortage the chain blames partly on climate change. Finally, something that could get the state of Texas on board against global warming.

 

 

So Tennessee legislators just took the major step of passing a bill to allow grocery stores and super markets to sell wine. Which means that when you go to Walmart to pick up your food and guns, you can get a nice bottle to go with them.

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Putin on the Blitz?

March 4, 2014

Russia watcher Sarah Palin “”People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates.” So who taught Sarah those new words?

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Nice to see spring training baseball scores on ESPN if they are basically meaningless. Sort of like the NBA regular season.

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Former Ranger Ian Kinsler, now with the Detroit Tigers, says he hopes Texas goes 0-162. Mark your calendars for June 24. The first game between the Tigers and Rangers in Arlington.

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In Ohio, a 10 year old boy was suspended 3 days from school for pretending his finger like a gun and pointing it at another boy’s head. Could have been a worse result, in Florida he might have been shot..

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Radio Shack has announced they are closing 1,100 stores. Shocking. Radio Shack still had 1,100 stores?.

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Syracuse’s men’s basketball team just had their fourth loss in five games. This former #1 team is falling faster than Russia’s warm fuzzy image after Sochi.

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Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear announced he will hire outside counsel to appeal a judge’s ruling that the state must recognize same-sex marriages legally performed in other states. He says “It’s about placing people over politics.” Right. I guess this ruling could be harmful to traditional Kentucky marriages between heterosexual cousins, brothers, sisters etc….

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Hell has frozen over dept. The 49ers have to be thrilled with…the Dallas Cowboys?  While Kaepernick says wants to be paid Romo money, Dallas has restructured their QB’s contract, dropping his cap figure from $21.773 million to $11.773 million.

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Meanwhile, Clemson suspended four players including two returning starters due to a “team rules violation” for the football season opener at Georgia. Either it was a pretty big rule, or Clemson figures they were going to lose anyway.

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The NY Times today published a correction for originally misspelling the name of Solomon Northup, the man whose memoir was the basis for “12 Years a Slave. The article in question ran on January 20, 1853. So was the mistake discovered after Larry King found he had kept a copy of the paper?

 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Gold-medal-winning ice dancing couple Meryl Davis and Charlie White will be contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’.Isn’t that like Roger Federer entering a ping pong tournament?”

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Missing Jean.

March 1, 2014

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A different sort of post today, after a memorial service for Jean Crawford, my dad’s partner of 26 years.  Since she was basically my step-mother, I can’t claim I inherited my twisted sense of humor from her. But she shared it.  And was always supportive.   A funny, fabulous woman who was with us only 67 years.

 

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And since she was more liberal than I am  – only political jokes tonight.  More sports tomorrow.

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What a scary situation with Putin’s potential invasion of the Ukraine.  Makes us long for those more innocent days when the  biggest mess in Russia was their Olympic hockey team.

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Headline “Putin-Obama relationship in deep freeze.”  This might be the frostiest interpersonal time for a U.S. President since Hillary found out about that blue dress.

 

Sarah Palin is in “Told Ya So” mode because she warned in 2008 that Obama’s reactions might lead to Putin invading Ukraine. And when asked about Crimea, Palin presumably responded, “well yeah, invading there too.”

 

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Joe Biden told an interviewer he was “given every sh*t job in the world” by Obama. Uh, isn’t “every sh*t job in the world” the Vice President’s job description?

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At least 28 people were killed by men wielding knives in China. Are they trying not to gloat too much at the NRA?

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An 8-year-old Cincinnati boy was shot and killed Saturday by one of his brothers. Police said the shooter was was playing with a loaded handgun that he thought was a BB gun.  If only the 8 year old had been armed.

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The iStamp?

February 20, 2014

The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….

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Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.

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For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get  Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?

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Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.

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German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?

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President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?

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Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014

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Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?

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Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”

(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google  “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)

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Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.

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Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..

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At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’

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Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?

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The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?

Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?

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President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?

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Putin on the not so Ritz

February 20, 2014

This just in from Sochi. President Putin has announced that all bomb-sniffing dogs for the remainder of the Olympics will be replaced by the Russian men’s hockey team.

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But give Putin time.  Maybe he can blame this on Obama.

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A West Virginia Pizza Hut has been shut by the authorities after a surveillance video showed a manager peeing into a sink. So presume at Domino’s and Papa John’s, they’ve just updated the rules in their employee manuals?

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26% of Americans got this question wrong in a recent survey “Does the Earth go around the sun, or does the sun go around the Earth? Wonder how many of that 26% thought the whole question was silly, because of course they know the Earth goes around the moon.

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In Chandler, police are deciding whether or not to charge a man who fatally shot an unarmed man during a fight that started with an argument at a Walmart service counter. The shooter is claiming self-defense. What, is Arizona jealous that Florida’s getting all the headlines?

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A Seattle burglar who was still in the apartment when police showed up implied to police he had taken LSD but also told them he was Jack Bauer of “24.” Presume the cops’ first clue was when the thief said he had broken in between 900a and 1000a.

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Washington TE Fred Davis today was suspended indefinitely for violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Apparently the substance was marijuana. Makes sense, no one watching the Redskins play last year would believe any of them used performance enhancing drugs.

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Louisville coach Rick Pitino banned his players from tweeting, and would prefer they don’t use any other social media either “I’m trying to get our players to read more, pay attention to important things.” Of course if players are spending all their spare time with social media they won’t have time to have affairs with say, equipment manager’s wives….

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Remember Bonnie Blair? Hey, whatever happened to speedskating anyway? Didn’t it used to be a Olympic Prime Time Sport? #sarcasm

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The company behind #CandyCrush” has filed for an IPO. Will their opening price be known as “Level 1?:

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The Los Angeles Lakers traded Steve Blake to the Golden State Warriors tonight. That’s perhaps less of a surprising story than the idea that Blake had to think “Thank God I’m going to a playoff team.”

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Too many options?

February 15, 2014

Fox News hosts were apparently mocking Facebook’s decision to provide users with over 50 new options for their gender, other than simply “male” or “female.” That’s not nice. Considering that several of those options were probably designed to give choices to Ann Coulter.

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Vladimir Putin visited Team USA headquarters yesterday, though did not meet with any of the men’s slopestyler medalists. Maybe he’d been told to “leave the children alone.”

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So who knew men’s figure skating was going to turn into short track speed skating? #sochi14 #crashes

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Nice job by the U.S. men’s slopestyling team. But even the Chinese women gymnasts are thinking “Those boys are YOUNG.”

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From Marc Ragovin  “I think Hansen won the Slopestyle Skiing competition yesterday”
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The U.S. speedskating team is switching uniforms, blaming the new suits they brought to Sochi for their so-far lackluster Olympic performance. Hmm, wonder if the Denver Broncos had new uniforms for the Super Bowl?

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Tom Perkins said yesterday that only taxpayers should vote (has he thought that even children pay sales tax..?) He added that those who pay more should get more votes. “You pay a million dollars in taxes you get a million votes.” I think we’re discovering the answer to a question. “What happens when “affuenza” meets dementia?

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On Valentine’s Day, hope all men  who valued their health remembered those three little words that mean so much to women: “Where’s my chocolate?”

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Oops.  A Groupon promotion today offered $10 off any Groupon deal of $40 or more in honor of President Alexander Hamilton, who’s on the $10 bill. But millions of Americans said, “and your point is?
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Nothing against Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera but didn’t it used to be possible to retire without taking a victory lap?
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Meanwhile, wonder if at this point Roger Goodell is wishing the Saints put out a bounty on Richie Incognito?
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Carmelo Anthony says he is willing to accept less money to re-sign with the Knicks. Maybe it’s about getting more free agents. Or maybe Melo just really doesn’t like playoff pressure.
Last year, Newark Airport finished dead last in the U.S., with 70% of flights arriving on time. And regular Newark fliers responded “How dd they over-inflate those results?”
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Actress Ellen Page, who in Juno played a pregnant girl who decided to give her baby up for adoption, has come out as gay. And conservative Republicans immediately responded “Exactly, adoption is the option that all gay women who get pregnant should choose….. Oops, never mind.”
From Bill Littlejohn:   “Recently, Japan’s Olympic womens hockey team scored its first goal in 16 years.Boy, and you thought California was in a drought”
Guiness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/news/local/news/v/Local/348766/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-February-14-2014-Edition-458#sthash.SxKxxzAe.dpuf
Guiness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/news/local/news/v/Local/348766/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-February-14-2014-Edition-458#sthash.SxKxxzAe.dpuf

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Cattiness.

September 13, 2013

Hope everyone had a safe Friday the 13th. And remember, black cats are only really unlucky if you trip over one while you are texting and walking.

 

The SI report on abuses at Oklahoma State includes football players saying that recruits and school hostesses had sex. Shocking. Guess the gals were supposed to wait to sleep with the players until after they had committed.

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Strange times in Pittsburgh. The Pirates may well be playing meaningful games later into the year than the Steelers.

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A Pennsylvania judge Thursday ordered a suburban Philadelphia court clerk to stop issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Where is the conservative outrage about judicial activism and government interference in private lives?

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Sign of the times: Chris Davis tonight became the latest member of baseball’s 50 HR club. A feat that now not only brings “Congratulations,” but also “Wonder what he’s taking”

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Some like to ascribe natural disasters to God’s punishment of sinful behavior: Haven’t heard any of those folks wondering whether the floods in Colorado might mean God didn’t like the state voting out representatives who favor gun control.

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A story on NFL.com today is titled “Concussion issue continues to grow in Major League Baseball.” Large black pot, smaller black kettle?

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A U.S. man who was trying to emulate the movie “Up” and cross the Atlantic Ocean from Maine to France using only hundreds of helium balloons, has landed a bit short…. in Newfoundland. “Missed it by THAT much” said Darwin.

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For two hours yesterday, United was accidentally selling tickets online for $10 roundtrip. Which means by the time fees are added a lot of people will have purchased trips for only about $400.

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Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s mom, was arrested last night for DWI and speeding in New York, allegedly with a blood alcohol of .20. Guess the apple didn’t stagger far from the tree.

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The Russian newspaper Pravda is indicating that in response to Putin’s op-ed in the NY Times, they will accept and print John McCain’s rebuttal op-ed. That is, unless they get a better offer – like an op-ed from Sarah Palin.

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Tiger Woods was penalized two strokes today in the BMW tournament for moving his ball. Not nearly as much as the, uh, moving balls cost him with Elin….

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Our shrinking status?

September 12, 2013

Mount McKinley, the tallest mountain in the USA, has gotten a bit shorter. It’s now measured at 20,237 instead of 20,320 feet. What an outrage. I blame Obama.

 

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Apparently Aaron Hernandez will not be allowed to watch the Patriots while he is jail awaiting trial. If the authorities really wanted to punish him, however, they’d make former Gator Hernandez watch replays of last week’s Florida-Miami game.

 

Geno Smith, 3 interceptions in the 4th quarter. Can hear the chants all the way from California – “Tebow, Tebow, Tebow…”

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Two Saskatchewan Roughriders (CFL) players have been charged with aggravated assault following an August bar fight. Were the two trying to prove they really belonged in the NFL?

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Apple stock has fallen after the much anticipated new iPhone updates turned out basically to be … new bright colors? And somewhere Steve Jobs is thinking “No one person is indispensable, my a**.”

 

Emirates Team New Zealand now has a commanding lead in the Americas’s Cup, in part due to tactical errors by Oracle Team USA. Maybe even the U.S. sailors are sick of being on the same team as Larry Ellison.

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From Bill LIttlejohn:  “Ndamakong Suh reportedly threatened a cable guy with a pellet gun.This time, though, an overwhelming number of frustrated subscribers have offered to help pay his fine”

 

 

Michelle Obama is now getting criticized for saying “Drink just one more glass of water a day and you can make a real difference for your health, your energy, and the way you feel.” You do get the sense if she made a statement in support of motherhood and apple pie that the immediate reaction would be “what about fathers and cherry pie?”

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Newt Gingrich says that Putin’s NY Times opinion piece is a “lie.” And if anyone knows lies, it’s a man who’s said three times “until death do us part.”

 

The silly season never goes away…. A Republican operative posted a screenshot of Montana Lt. Gov (and likely 2014 Senate candidate) John Walsh’s FB page. Apparently he had “liked” a profile with pictures of women’s breasts called “Breasts. Proof that men can multitask2” Walsh said the “like” was a mistake and deleted it. At least the Lt. Gov didn’t feel compelled to say that that he DIDN’T like breasts.

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Putin in his anti-American-exceptionalism op-ed in the NY Times: “We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord’s blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you are female, Chechen, or gay.

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