Posted tagged ‘Putin jokes’

Bash brother.

January 18, 2017

Jose Canseco, voice of reason ““It’s a great day for the hypocrisy of the #HallOfFame voting induct all that used Peds or induct none.”

With steroid era revisited Pudge Rodriguez follows Bud Selig into Hall of Fame, Bonds still excluded. WTF?  Can we blame Russian hackers?

Patriots fans on social media think the commissioner is ducking the Sunday game in Foxboro, And radio station WEEI says “not attending AFC championship may be Roger Goodell’s most embarrassing moment yet.
With all due respect, not attending the game probablyisn’t even going to be Goodell’s most embarrassing moment this week.

 

Yeah, we’re all special snowflakes out in California but did we have to go straight from a drought into becoming a soggier version of Seattle?

Last words from #ObamaPressconference were “Good Luck.” Wonder how tempted he was to add “You’re going to need it.”?

 

If #ChelseaManning said she was only leaking all that classified information on behalf of Russia would GOP be okay with her pardon?

Vladimir Putin defended Donald Trump against allegations he used Russian prostitutes, but added that “ours are the best in the world.” Okay, I’m appalled. Where’s the defense of American worker superiority from Trump on this one?

Despite rumors of him choosing a Latino, Trump has apparently picked ex-Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, 70, as Secretary of Agriculture. Because the President Elect just doesn’t have enough old white men in his cabinet.

#Livefromthe2017Inauguration only REALLY becomes a trending hashtag if we survive through day Trump first gets nuclear codes.

Martin Shkreli, downplaying Twitter suspension ““Twitter is actually pretty obsolete.” Ooh, potential Shkreli Trump war. #Passthelargepopcorn

TMZ reports Michael Flatley is going to dance at one of Trump’s inaugural balls. All together now – “Who?”

Julian Assange had promised to to “agree to US extradition” if “Obama grants Manning clemency.” Now his lawyer says “Mr. Assange welcomes the announcement that Ms. Manning’s sentence will be reduced and she will be released in May, but this is well short of what he sought. Mr. Assange had called for Chelsea Manning to receive clemency and be released immediately.”
As Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” #snake

Remember those innocent days when we thought worst that could happen Friday was putting another Bush in the White House? #Inauguration

Some discussion and worry about what kind of redecorating Trump might do inside the White House. But he will probably be more focused on putting up neon “T.R.U.M.P” letters outside.

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Missed the sign?

June 30, 2016

After leading the Brexit movement, Boris Johnson has now said he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister. Whatever happened to “You break it, you buy it.”

The Dodgers have put Clayton Kershaw on the DL with a herniated  disc. SF Giants are wishing Kershaw well, and thinking “Don’t risk your career and health, take the rest of the summer off.”

 

Madison Bumgarner was the first pitcher since 1976 to be scheduled to bat for himself in an AL park.  And he doubled to lead off the 3rd in a six-run inning.  Clearly this was all the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ needed to wake them up after a horrible evening.. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoInspire‬

 

‪#‎SFGiants‬ played much better defense tonight. Presumably they didn’t want to screw up & have to answer to ‪#‎Madbum‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhocanhandleabat‬

 

Johnny Manziel has apparently been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Well, gosh, hope that doesn’t make some team decide it would be risky to sign him.

Disney World has apparently pulled Louis the alligator, from their Princess and the Frog movie, from the new Friendship Faire Castle Show, and Peter Pan’s Tick-Tock the Croc, from the Festival of Fantasy Parade.
Good thing that poor little boy didn’t get run over in the Anaheim parking lot, or Disney might have had to close Cars Land.

Rolando McClain, the Dallas Cowboys LB who was suspended for the 1st four games of the 2015 NFL season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, has now been suspended the first 10 games of this season for violating the same policy.
At some point it’s not a suspension for drugs, it’s a suspension for stupidity.

The FDA is now saying not to eat raw cookie dough, because uncooked flour can be hazardous to your health. Hmm, sounds like an opportunity for millions of Americans to start describing themselves as courageous risk takers.

Utah senator Mike Lee says he won’t support Donald Trump because Trump attacked ‘my best friend’ – Ted Cruz. Shocking. Cruz has a best friend?

Gwyneth Paltrow was apparently shocked to hear that Star Magazine declared her “the most hated celebrity.” “What did I do?” Well, cluelessness is a good start….-

A new USA Today poll shows Americans by 4-1 margin agree that the Brexit vote to leave the EU “was a sign of anger and dissatisfaction that can be seen in other countries, including the United States.”
Wonder how many Americans have any idea what the EU is?

Mike Ditka has declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the Republican National Convention. Guess he hasn’t been hit on the head THAT many times.

One of the Istanbul airport attackers was apparently Russian. So much for that Trump-Putin bromance.

 

Donald Trump today, speaking as a plane buzzed overhead “That could be a Mexican plane up there. They’re getting ready to attack.” Isn’t it nice that that Donald is trying to be more Presidential?

Higher math?

March 14, 2015

In India, a bride left her husband to be at the altar after testing him on his math skills. She asked “How much is 15 plus six?” He answered, 17. Just guessing that’s not going to be part of Bristol Palin’s wedding ceremony.

 

 

Since their performances in Chicago on July 4 weekend sold out so quickly, the surviving members of the Grateful Dead are reportedly thinking about adding shows at Levi’s Stadium or AT&T Park. Now, I know a lot of Deadheads are in the SF Bay Area. But really, for real authenticity, shouldn’t the band now consider a show in Colorado?

Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for over a week. Yesterday Swiss paper Bilk reported that the Russian leader, 62, was in Switzerland with his rumored girlfriend, Alina Kabayeva, 31, a former gold-medal gymnast, for the birth of their daughter. Hmm. wonder if Putin will return saying he was hiking the Alpine trail.

RIP Al Rosen, 91.. Seems sadly fitting that he and Candlestick Park would not outlive each other. ‪#‎Yougottalikethiskids‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Who says geeks have no sense of humor? MIT issued its admissions decisions Saturday night at 9:26pm ‪#‎PiDay‬

Amazing some of the “stupid-is-a-virtue” types in this country weren’t screaming about “Happy Pi Day” being elitist. But to be fair, they probably thought it only refers to dessert.

 

Groupon is selling tickets to see Chicago and Earth, Wind & Fire this July. Is this a good idea now? The bands’ targeted demographic may not be able to remember anything they book that far ahead.

 

The Toronto Raptors just ended a 16-game losing streak tonight against the Miami Heat. And the Philadelphia 76ers sniffed “amateurs!”

 

The San Jose Sharks may not make the playoffs, but they’re making headlines. On Thursday, GM Doug Wilson told a group of season holders that the team took the captain’s “C” from Joe Thornton because the pressure and stress were getting to him. And on Friday, Thornton told the Mercury News, Doug “just needs to stop lying, shut his mouth.” Who do the Sharks think they are? The 49ers?

Jeb Bush refused to say whether he would have signed the letter the 47 Senators wrote to Iran, saying they did it out of “frustration” and “that I do think that we need to get back to a bipartisan consensus on foreign policy.” Translation, I want to be President and I don’t want the Democrats doing the same thing to me.

 

As Americans prepare for selection Sunday, perhaps a way we could get people to focus on their vote for 2016 is to start a Presidential Bracket. 64 picks, presumably with Bush and Clinton as one seeds, maybe Walker and Warren next. Plenty of trendy picks like Christie, Paul, etc. And enough potential Cinderellas to fill out the rest. (Not like say, Harvard, has any more chance than some political unknowns.)

Then simply say the brackets could not be used for real betting purposes and let the fun begin.

East and West?

November 12, 2014

Wonder how the East Coast gets that reputation about being clueless about West Coast baseball. In an ESPN thread about the Red Sox trying to sign Pablo Sandoval, a “top commenter” complains Panda has “NO power..he hit 14 homers last year in a friendly park….” Right. All the free agents sluggers want to come to AT&T because it’s such a hitters’ park…..-

Apparently Mark Sanchez, who has a reputation for being kind of a sensitive guy, is quite happy with the adulation from Eagles fans after his game last night. Next week’s game though, is in Green Bay. Good thing Philly fans are so loving and loyal toward their players.

Megyn Kelly introduced Mike Huckabee today and replaced the “H” in his name with a “F.” An accident? Or a shameless attempt by Fox News to go after that all important pre-teen boy viewer demographic?

 

Fox announced that Randy Jackson is leaving “American Idol.” And a lot of Americans responded “American Idol is still on?”

OF Michael Cuddyer has left Colorado to sign with the NY Mets. What Cuddyer is about to find out… it’s not like the Mets are really better than the Rockies. But in New York, when a team sucks, people actually notice.

The Mormon church just admitted that founder Joseph Smith had 40 wives.  One as young as 14.   But note here. 40 wives. Not a single husband.  The man took the sanctity of marriage seriously.

Bears coach Marc Trestman said Jay Cutler “didn’t play very well,” Sunday night and wants him “to play better.” Because had Cutler had a good game Chicago might have only lost 55-35?

In a Hollywood movie theater, a woman reportedly used mace on a man who asked her to put her cellphone away. And Floridians are thinking, “Lucky guy, she didn’t shoot him.”

And you think you might need a life? Two women in Beaumont, California, have been camping since Nov 5. in front of a Best Buy so they can be first in line for the Black Friday sale, which begins Nov. 27 at 5pm .

So some in the media were up in arms over New Orleans at 4-5 potentially hosting a playoff game. Where was this outrage when the 7-9 Seahawks hosted and beat the 10-6 Saints.

George W. Bush has a new book out – “41. Portrait of my Father,” about George H.W. Bush. Impressive. So the former President has now written two books before he’s read one.

The Chinese have censored an internet photo showing Vladimir Putin wrapping a shawl around the wife of the president of China. Wonder what they would have done if W. had been around to give her a shoulder rub?

 

Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino is getting a $500,000 bonus for keeping his players academically eligible. Wonder if the Cardinals borrowed course syllabi from UNC?

 

 

There are many good reasons to choose MLB awards before the postseason. On the other hand, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ Bruce Bochy has one “Manager of the Year” award. And it’s from 1996 with the San Diego Padres.

Watching the ‪#‎Spurs‬ in action you have to wonder how ‪#‎SanAntonio‬ would ever stoop so low as to recruit the ‪#‎Raiders‬.

Provocation?

July 26, 2014

Stephen A. Smith started out today about the Ray Rice situation telling women “Let’s make sure we don’t do anything to provoke wrong actions.” And then in his first apology “What about addressing women on how they can help prevent the obvious wrong being done upon them?” What is with Smith? Does he want to leave ESPN for a job at NFL headquarters.

 

And not that I condone violence, but it would be hard to be too broken up if some random woman hauls off and punches Stephen A. Smith, suggesting that he in future try not to “provoke wrong actions.”

 

So today the Russian consumer protection agency said they are suing McDonalds for selling foods that contain more fats and carbohydrates than are allowed by national regulations. What’s next, Putin saying the U.S. via McDonald’s has killed more people than the MH17 missile?

(Or maybe it’s just that Putin has a man-crush on Michael Bloomberg.)

They’re now selling seats from Candlestick Park before the stadium is being torn down. ($749 a pair, with a $50 discount for SFGiants season ticket holders.) Wonder for authenticity if the seats come with a free ice pack?

Chris Paul has joined Doc Rivers in saying he could boycott the season if Donald Sterling is still in charge. So who knows, maybe there’s a chance the Lakers won’t be the worst NBA team in Los Angeles this year.

 

 

Rough night for SF Giants at A T and T, losing 8-1 on a night when Yasiel Puig got three triples and a double. Maybe the Giants strategy was to have Puig run enough he might pull a hamstring.

Zack Greinke struck  out four SF Giants in one inning.    Atlanta Braves fans were shocked one wasn’t Dan Uggla.

But, hey, the  Dodgers had an off-day Thursday in San Francisco. #SFGiants were just one day behnd.

 

Johnny Manziel, about his off-field adventures. “At the end of the day,’ Manziel said, ‘I’ve made some rookie mistakes.’ But hey, now training camp has started. So soon Johnny can make some on-field rookie mistakes.

A recent poll said 65% percent of Americans don’t want President Obama impeached. But 35% do. Leaving politics aside guess this means at least 35% of Americans have never actually read the Constitution.

Gun rights advocates are touting the “good guy with a gun” case of an armed Philadelphia doctor who wounded a psychiatric patient who allegedly killed his caseworker and was apparently planning a mass shooting. Glad the guy was stopped. But what was a psychiatric patient with a long criminal history doing with a gun and over 40 bullets in the first place?

 

Drew Brees, 35, says he feels like he’s still 25, and “I could play for another 10 years. And that would be my goal.” The Green Bay Packers are thinking “Damn, nobody tell Brett Favre,”(who’s 44.).

A Google Shopping Express contract worker was arrested and charged with stealing more than $1000 of merchandise from a Target store while she was buying items for customers.

TThe woman has a criminal history involving possession and sale of meth. But apparently Google subcontracts out the shopping and the subcontractor didn’t do background checks.    Can’t wait to see what fun we could have with subcontracted Amazon drone operators.

 

 

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Walking the line?

July 20, 2014

The future King of England, Prince George, is upright. Probably more upright than Prince Harry after a night on the town.

Prince George Of Cambridge First Birthday

 

The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit over “Billy Cub”, a fake mascot that allegedly has been engaging in bad behavior outside Wrigley Field. Wonder how long it will take some Cubs season ticket holders to file a lawsuit over bad behavior on the field inside Wrigley.

 

The Mariners and Angels have played two games since the All-Star Break, totaling 28 innings. Note to both teams, the World Cup is over, enough with the stoppage time.

And if  the MLB season ended today, the Angels and Mariners would be in a one-game wild card playoff. Seattle is 6.5 games behind L.A.(Anaheim.) But if they could start Felix Hernandez, they’d be the favorites to advance. Another “gift” from Bud Selig.

Giancarlo Stanton takes  Sergio Romo deep to lead off the bottom of the ninth in Miami. “I didn’t see that coming.” Said nobody.

 

In a 5-1 game that became a 5-3 game  #SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy removed Sergio Romo in the ninth after a home run and a double and apparently told Romo that it wasn’t about him finishing the game, but wanted Casilla to get the work. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

Huston Street, after being traded from San Diego to the Angels “I believe in the Padres’ ownership. They want to win and they are not content with status quo. I blame the players for what’s happened here.” Right, all those high-priced superstars that just can’t gell as a team, like so-and-so, and him, and.., can anyone name a Padre? (More than one.)

Newt Gingrich wrote an op-ed saying that President Obama hides in a fantasy world. Of course, Gingrich’s fantasy is that he’s still relevant.

Vladimir Putin is retaliating against new sanctions against Russia by denying some Americans visas. Just thinking flying into Russia is not at the top of too many people’s wish lists right now.

The NY Knicks may sign Metta World Peace again. Not sure if it will help the team. But this is good news for comedy writers.

Rand Paul, who’s against raising the minimum wage, talked about his son happily delivering pizza,: “The minimum wage is a temporary thing. It’s a chance to get started.” Of course, if you’re the son of a senator, it probably is a way to get started….what about all those other grown-ups still working those jobs?

The Heat is really on

June 5, 2014

The air conditioning broke down at A T & T Center during game 1 of the NBA Finals between the San Antonio and Miami, resulting in temperatures inside the arena topping 90 degrees. And over in New Orleans they’re thinking. “Hah, all we had was a little Super Bowl temporary power blackout.”

So isn’t it supposed to be the old folks who can’t handle the heat? #MIAvsSA #Spurs #Heat.

Who knew the Heat couldn’t handle the Heat?

So the Seattle Pacific University gunman was apparently subdued by pepper-spraying students as he stopped to reload. So the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a non-automatic gun and good guys with pepper spray?

South Carolina police are investigating how a loaded gun wound up among children’s toys at a Myrtle Beach Target store. Guns in the toy department are only supposed to be found at Walmart.

A Crowne Plaza in Mexico City is advertising a room as “2 DBL BEDS WITH JACUZZI TUB. VACATION WITH YOUR SWEETIE IN THIS COZY JUNIOR SUITE.” Uh, two double beds? Reminds me of the Cialis ad with two tubs.

The #HoustonAstros once again had today’s first draft pick. They’re now the #ClevelandCavaliers of MLB.

Go figure. Hockey-mad Canada has the best team in the AL East, and baseball-mad New York has the best NHL team in the East. Wonder how many Torontonians can name three Blue Jays and how many New Yorkers can name three Rangers.

A court has suspended Jim Irsay’s driver’s license for one year following his DUI arrest. Guess Roger Goodell will bring the hammer down and punish the Indianapolis Colts’ owner as severely as a player who does something really egregious, like wearing unauthorized socks.

Understated corporate comment of the month. “You have successfully reset your password. eBay is not requesting that you take any further action at this time. If you would like to call us, please know our colleagues are especially busy right now assisting other customers and we apologize in advance for making you wait.”

While I know as a Giants fans that the Dodgers could go on a tear any minute, Don Mattingly just said that L.A. “hasn’t felt like a true team at this point.” Gosh, wonder what the rea$on$ for that could be?

Hillary Clinton in March criticized Vladimir Putin “a tough guy with a thin skin.” Putin’s reply in an interview aired yesterday: “It’s better not to argue with a woman. But Ms. Clinton has never been too graceful in her statements.” Well, at least he proved the second part of her statement.

Sarah Palin is bashing Obama for releasing prisoners to free a soldier with “Anti-American views.” So I guess in future our armed forces members should fill out a political questionnaire before going to war so we can decide if they are worth saving?

Bowe Bergdahl may be a young man with some serious issues, but what would Sarah Palin and other GOP politicians be saying if he were one of THEIR sons?

A new Houston spa, called “Float Baby,” offers babies (with moms nearby) a 1 hour water floatation and infant massage for $65. This is why other countries hate us.

From T.C.  “Following Super Bowl XLIX, the following year will be marketed as Super Bowl 50, using standard numerals. Why did it take them XVIII weeks to come up with this change?   Btw, The NFL has announced that Super Bowl 50 will be played in the year MMXVI.”