Posted tagged ‘Olympic hockey jokes’

Putin on the not so Ritz

February 20, 2014

This just in from Sochi. President Putin has announced that all bomb-sniffing dogs for the remainder of the Olympics will be replaced by the Russian men’s hockey team.

But give Putin time.  Maybe he can blame this on Obama.

A West Virginia Pizza Hut has been shut by the authorities after a surveillance video showed a manager peeing into a sink. So presume at Domino’s and Papa John’s, they’ve just updated the rules in their employee manuals?

26% of Americans got this question wrong in a recent survey “Does the Earth go around the sun, or does the sun go around the Earth? Wonder how many of that 26% thought the whole question was silly, because of course they know the Earth goes around the moon.

In Chandler, police are deciding whether or not to charge a man who fatally shot an unarmed man during a fight that started with an argument at a Walmart service counter. The shooter is claiming self-defense. What, is Arizona jealous that Florida’s getting all the headlines?

A Seattle burglar who was still in the apartment when police showed up implied to police he had taken LSD but also told them he was Jack Bauer of “24.” Presume the cops’ first clue was when the thief said he had broken in between 900a and 1000a.

Washington TE Fred Davis today was suspended indefinitely for violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Apparently the substance was marijuana. Makes sense, no one watching the Redskins play last year would believe any of them used performance enhancing drugs.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino banned his players from tweeting, and would prefer they don’t use any other social media either “I’m trying to get our players to read more, pay attention to important things.” Of course if players are spending all their spare time with social media they won’t have time to have affairs with say, equipment manager’s wives….

Remember Bonnie Blair? Hey, whatever happened to speedskating anyway? Didn’t it used to be a Olympic Prime Time Sport? #sarcasm

The company behind #CandyCrush” has filed for an IPO. Will their opening price be known as “Level 1?:

The Los Angeles Lakers traded Steve Blake to the Golden State Warriors tonight. That’s perhaps less of a surprising story than the idea that Blake had to think “Thank God I’m going to a playoff team.”

Closing ceremonies…..and of course, the gold medal game..

March 1, 2010

But Olympic junkies on the west coast are in luck, NBC’s taped delayed coverage should go on until at least Tuesday.

It actually kind of feels right that the gold medal goes to a country where the average man or woman on the street can actually name at least one hockey player.

Americans watching the gold medal hockey game were both confused and disappointed by the overtime period. Where was the coin toss? And where was the little guy who comes in to win the game by kicking the puck into the net?

So the US came close. But did anyone, especially in San Jose, really expect any team coached by Ron Wilson to win it all?

Tickets for the USA-Canada hockey game were going for $4000.00 a ticket and up with scalpers. Wonder how many were being bought by new fans from the US who wondered when they will ever get another chance to see a game between two teams with so much top professional talent in North America.

Ron Turner, who was just hired this month as an assistant coach by Jim Harbaugh, resigned today to take a similar position with the Indianapolis Colts. Who does Turner think he is – Lane Kiffin?

Manny Ramirez actually told a reporter at Dodgers’ spring training – “”I’m an employee here, I just do what they want me to.” I think I like his story about the fertility drug better.

Regarding those new “Cant Trust Steve” ads that Meg Whitman is running against her opponent Steve Poizner: Anyone else think they would be appropriate to get her elected as senior class president?

And in closing.

For all those Winter Olympics fans who will be glad to see the last of Vancouver and go back to having the games in an actual COLD city – I give you today’s weather in Sochi, Russia. High 56, Low 47.

(Sochi is a resort town on the Black Sea. According to the Los Angeles Times. “The average February temperature is 43 degrees. Winter temperatures rarely fall below freezing. It has a moderate tropic climate and rarely sees snow.)

Maybe they should put these games somewhere that actually gets cold. Like San Francisco in July.

Winding down the Olympics…

February 27, 2010

Only two more days of competition. Which means only about a week until NBC catches up with the tape delay.

The US hockey team scored SIX goals against Finland in the first period of today’s Olympic semi-final. Most Canadian hockey fans have never seen anything that embarrassing before. Well, without the Maple Leafs being involved.

With all the U.S. excitement over Olympic hockey, some reporters have started asking American fans who they are rooting for in the Stanley Cup. The number one response – “What’s the Stanley Cup?”

Short track speed skating is amazing. Especially as it’s often the only skaters still upright at the end who medal. Sometimes it seems as if the athletes have less chance of making it to the end of the race than Mel Gibson has to pass a field sobriety test.

A centralized technical glitch caused JetBlue Airways to delay or cancel many flights that had not yet taken off Friday afternoon. Sounds like business as usual.

The California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control has started warning bars that it is illegal to “infuse” spirits – for examples to make ginger or fruit vodka, or jalapeno tequila. Good to know that in these tough economic times our state tax dollars are being used wisely.-

Howard Stern is planning to organize a beauty pageant for all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. His biggest potential problem – don’t pageants, like Miss America, usually cap the contestant total at 50?

Tacky time.

Gatorade is the latest company to drop Tiger Woods as a promoter. Apparently while the company coined the slogan “Is it in you?” they weren’t happy with who Woods was in.

And commie pinko time:

Insurance companies are not only greedy, they are dumb. After the Republicans got the 41st vote in the Senate, some insurers immediately implemented huge rate increases. Six months or a year from now the issue might have died down, but instead they are giving us new ammunition to get reform passed.