Posted tagged ‘Vancouver jokes’

Back to back

June 17, 2011

Not titles,  but posts.    Apologies since apparently my attempts to hit the “publish” button last night were as successful as the Canucks’ efforts to put a puck in the goal.

But there’s a silver lining after last night’s Canucks Stanley Cup loss and the subsequent riots: Al-Qaeda probably will not be attacking Vancouver any time soon – the terrorists have decided “Those people are scary.”

 

After an opening round 65 on Thursday, Rory McIlroy, 22 is leading the U.S. Open. How young is McIlroy? Why, he can’t even remember a time when famous golfers had to call their mistresses on payphones.

 

So much for Anthony Weiner’s grand ambitions – He probably expected that he would some day walk into a room to “Hail to the Chief.” Instead it’s more likely to be “Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word.”

Now that Weiner has resigned, we have to wonder how many Congressmen have as yet undiscovered potentially embarassing pictures and texts out there. This is known in military parlance as “unexploded ordnance.”

For my non-English friends, in Britain a cellphone is known as a “Mobile.” So this means the past month will go down in history across the pond as the “Weinermobile” scandal.

Once Anthony Wener resigns, as a private citizen he can sext and send pictures to anyone he wants without media attention. Of course, as a private citizen, he will find a lot few women interested in answering his tweets.

A particularly offensive campaign ad in Southern California shows Congressional candidate Janice Hahn as a stripper hanging out with gangsters. The ad has received bipartisan condemnation, although Hahn herself has reputedly now received some texts from Anthony Weiner.

An editorial in the Manchester Union-Leader, which sponsored the first GOP debate, has gone after Mitt Romney for acting “high-falutin” and “haughty.” Responded Romney, if they’re going to criticize me, the correct word is “supercilious.”

 

The Texas Rangers accused the New York Yankees of stealing signs. The Yankees responded they don’t steal anything. They buy the signs fair and square.  (Or as my friend Karen says “they fell off a truck, I know a guy.”

Former NY Giants wide receiver David Tyree said gay marriage is the first step towards “anarchy,” partly because two men or two women together cannot raise a child. So if he feels that way, why have we heard nothing from Tyree about other players like Ray Lewis, Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry, who all have more than a half dozen kids by various women.

And finally, here’s the question of the day. Father’s Day is Sunday. How many cards will Arnold Schwarenegger get?

A picture is worth?

June 17, 2011

$1000?  Wonder how much Edwards spent on his hair and makeup?

Some sympathy for Vancouver hockey fans. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to lose a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals?  

Well, no, replied hockey fans in Northern California.

Roberto Luongo did not have a perfect evening. On the other hand, he had so little support that the Canucks goalie has just been named an honorary SF Giants pitcher.

Is “Canuck” Canadian for “Shark?”

Adult movie actress Ginger Lee said today that Congressman Anthony Weiner asked her to lie about their online relationship. So who are you going to believe? Someone who sells themselves for money? Or the porn star?

Now when Lee, who says she texted and tweeted with Anthony Weiner, held her  press conference, she was flanked by her attorney… Gloria Allred.

“I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

Apparently the main reason that Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staffers quit was his wife, Callista. Hmm, maybe given Newt’s history the staff should have treated the marriage like the weather – just wait and it will change.

Some are criticizing President Obama for only spending five hours in Puerto Rico. Well, it’s five hours more than George W. Bush spent during his presidency in San Francisco.  (Or as a friend reminds me – Puerto Rico.)

Former UConn forward Jamal Coombs-McDaniel, who was arrested on drug charges earlier this year, was allowed to enter a first-time offenders program which will require him to perform community service and to take 10 drug education classes. Hmm. This may be more classes than he took at UConn.

from TC  ” Monday’s Miami Herald ran a full page Macy’s ad for “NBA 2011 Championship Miami Heat” tee shirts, hats and related souvenirs.

A spokesperson for Macy’s has apologized saying the wrong ad was accidentally submitted.

The correct ad should have read NFL Surplus Tee Shirts and Hats, “2007-2008 New England Patriots Perfect 19-0 Season” and “New England Patriots SB XLII Champions”

In Canada, the Macy’s ad meant to say “Congratulations Vancouver Canucks on your First Stanley Cup Victory.”

 

From Gary Morton on yesterday’s post  about Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.”

“Cliff’s having flashbacks. He thought he was still chasing Cam Newton.”

Closing ceremonies…..and of course, the gold medal game..

March 1, 2010

But Olympic junkies on the west coast are in luck, NBC’s taped delayed coverage should go on until at least Tuesday.

It actually kind of feels right that the gold medal goes to a country where the average man or woman on the street can actually name at least one hockey player.


Americans watching the gold medal hockey game were both confused and disappointed by the overtime period. Where was the coin toss? And where was the little guy who comes in to win the game by kicking the puck into the net?

So the US came close. But did anyone, especially in San Jose, really expect any team coached by Ron Wilson to win it all?


Tickets for the USA-Canada hockey game were going for $4000.00 a ticket and up with scalpers. Wonder how many were being bought by new fans from the US who wondered when they will ever get another chance to see a game between two teams with so much top professional talent in North America.


Ron Turner, who was just hired this month as an assistant coach by Jim Harbaugh, resigned today to take a similar position with the Indianapolis Colts. Who does Turner think he is – Lane Kiffin?

Manny Ramirez actually told a reporter at Dodgers’ spring training – “”I’m an employee here, I just do what they want me to.” I think I like his story about the fertility drug better.

Regarding those new “Cant Trust Steve” ads that Meg Whitman is running against her opponent Steve Poizner: Anyone else think they would be appropriate to get her elected as senior class president?


And in closing.

For all those Winter Olympics fans who will be glad to see the last of Vancouver and go back to having the games in an actual COLD city – I give you today’s weather in Sochi, Russia. High 56, Low 47.

(Sochi is a resort town on the Black Sea. According to the Los Angeles Times. “The average February temperature is 43 degrees. Winter temperatures rarely fall below freezing. It has a moderate tropic climate and rarely sees snow.)

Maybe they should put these games somewhere that actually gets cold. Like San Francisco in July.